Hi Doc,

I have a somewhat general question that relates to a lot of the advice I’ve seen you give over the years. Like many of your advice-seekers, I’m a man who is shy about approaching people... but I’m baffled about why I SHOULD. What I mean is, I don’t understand the moral argument in favor of it.

It seems like a pretty simple issue to me. If I find someone attractive and approach them, then it is perfectly reasonable that I might cause them some level of distress when I do: awkwardness or annoyance or creeped-out-ness. I don’t presume this level of distress would be large, nor do I think it’d necessarily happen 100% of the time. But the moral calculus here seems very easy: I can do something that is reasonable to cause some level of distress and have no positive outcomes, or I could refrain.

Furthermore, as I said, I’m a man. I believe that men have a moral responsibility to keep from doing anything that causes sexually relevant distress in others. (It’s not that other genders LACK this responsibility, but for men in our society it’s especially important.) With this in mind, I can’t imagine any possible justification for me possibly ever approaching anyone in that way, in any context.

This also applies to finding someone attractive. If I see someone I think is hot, I’m likely to show a bunch of nonverbal, subtle signs of this, even if I try not to. The object of my attraction could very easily pick up on these behaviors and feel that same distress. I consider this slightly more forgivable than approaching someone, since it involves behaviors I can’t directly control. But since I’m aware of the possibility, don’t I have the responsibility to cut these feelings off at the pass as much as possible?

I’m aware that it’s not completely outside the realm of possibility that someone might respond positively to me, because they’re deep in the long tail of some population distribution. But that would make ME feel bad... someone so open or generous could be dating anybody, and so there’s certainly better people than me they could be with. And if their issue is low self-esteem, then I’d feel like I was taking advantage of them.

I’m aware of one common answer to this question: because my line of thinking here often leads to resentment and bitterness, which in turn lead to hurting others. But no form of anger has ever made sense to me, in this context. Anger is for when something UNJUST happens... and there’s nothing unjust about this.

It might cause me SADNESS or DISAPPOINTMENT that someone doesn’t reciprocate my attraction, but sadness is just part of life, and it’s honestly not that bad. And it’s hardly something to blame someone for, if they have preferences that exclude me.

The other problem is that this results in neediness, but that seems like kind of the same thing. I’m not a lonely person, thankfully; there are plenty of people with whom I have emotionally intimate relationships. So I don’t think that’s a danger, either.

I don’t write because this is a big issue that’s causing me daily turmoil, but more as a genuine expression of confusion. Many people (including you) seem to presume that a guy in a situation like mine should just approach people with confidence and then be cool when rejected. Sure, that’s better than NOT being cool, but how is the morally superior option not just to refrain? The worst-case scenario is, someone would want to be with me and so we both miss out on it, but this is highly unlikely, and... I mean, grow up and deal.

The other option is I cause sexually relevant distress in people more often than necessary, and that just does not seem like the side to err on. The only person whose behavior I have responsibility over is myself; how could I not pay attention to that to minimize hurt in other people?

So... what’s the argument, here? How is it possibly morally justified for me to find people attractive, much less approach them because of it?

Thanks,
Immanuel Can’t