Scare Me (2020) EN

1
00:00:06,919 --> 00:00:11,359
♪♪

2
00:00:43,739 --> 00:00:54,228
♪♪

3
00:00:54,228 --> 00:00:56,012
So, you're a writer?

4
00:01:06,022 --> 00:01:09,330
So, you're a writer?

5
00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:12,028
Yeah.
Oh.

6
00:01:12,028 --> 00:01:14,596
Right on.
Right on.

7
00:01:14,596 --> 00:01:19,775
Well, writer... director,
actor sometimes.

8
00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:21,690
Oh, hello -- triple threat.

9
00:01:21,690 --> 00:01:23,257
I didn't know
there was a...

10
00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:25,737
a Liza Minnelli
in my car.

11
00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:27,870
Welcome, welcome.

12
00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:29,741
Have you done
anything I've seen?

13
00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:34,964
No.
I work at an ad agency.

14
00:01:34,964 --> 00:01:37,445
Well, I am sure
you are tired.

15
00:01:37,445 --> 00:01:40,100
Just got off a plane from,
I guess, Europe or whatever?

16
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,666
Los Angeles.
Oh, right.

17
00:01:41,666 --> 00:01:43,625
Right, right, right.

18
00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:46,758
For suresies,
for surrresies.

19
00:01:46,758 --> 00:01:49,935
For suresy shore.

20
00:01:49,935 --> 00:01:51,415
Well, if you need a nap
or anything,

21
00:01:51,415 --> 00:01:54,723
you just go on and get it.

22
00:01:56,420 --> 00:02:00,381
Thanks.

23
00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:03,819
You know, I do some
writing, myself.

24
00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:05,125
Wow. Do you?

25
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,692
I do, I do.
Thanks for asking.

26
00:02:07,692 --> 00:02:09,477
I, uh, love writing.

27
00:02:09,477 --> 00:02:12,436
The process, you know.
The process of writing a movie

28
00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:14,656
or any --
anything, really.

29
00:02:14,656 --> 00:02:17,485
The best thing I ever wrote,
hands down,

30
00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:19,617
it was something that I think
that James Cam-ron

31
00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:21,793
would've really been into.Wow.

32
00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:24,796
Do you know him
from the "Titanic" movies?

33
00:02:24,796 --> 00:02:26,842
And I, of course,
can't tell you about it.

34
00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:32,630
Well, you know, the writer's
code and all that.

35
00:02:32,630 --> 00:02:34,197
Can't break that.

36
00:02:36,895 --> 00:02:38,506
It's a story of Korah.

37
00:02:38,506 --> 00:02:40,856
Korah from the Bible,
who, you know,

38
00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:44,033
amasses this massive army
to go up against, uh,

39
00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:47,819
Moses and then God intervened
and all hell breaks loose,

40
00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:51,258
and it's special effects
bonanza... you know,

41
00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:53,782
which is why I think
if it got on his desk,

42
00:02:53,782 --> 00:02:55,131
it would be something that,
you know,

43
00:02:55,131 --> 00:02:57,394
James Cam-ron
would really jump at.

44
00:03:05,576 --> 00:03:09,580
So, Moses was, like, totally,
totally boxed in, you know?

45
00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,930
Uh, and then that's -- that's -- It's kind of where it, like, departs

46
00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:13,671
from the original story.

47
00:03:13,671 --> 00:03:16,283
'Cause then there's, like,
a droid army.

48
00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:17,719
I haven't quite figured
this out yet,

49
00:03:17,719 --> 00:03:20,548
but a droid army comes in
and at some point --

50
00:03:20,548 --> 00:03:23,246
Oh, boy. There it goes.
Down she goes.I got it.

51
00:03:23,246 --> 00:03:25,727
I got it. I got it. No, I got it.No,
I got it. Well, I'll help you.

52
00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:27,946
Oh, there -- Tha-- hey.
You know what, you got it.There it goes.

53
00:03:27,946 --> 00:03:29,252
Whoa, I'll stand back.

54
00:03:31,820 --> 00:03:33,648
Wow.

55
00:03:33,648 --> 00:03:38,218
Oh, this place
looks, uh... haunted.

56
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,916
I don't have a tip.
I'm... sorry.

57
00:03:40,916 --> 00:03:43,005
I --
Oh, psh, please, God.

58
00:03:43,005 --> 00:03:45,529
The conversation was a tip
in and of itself, sir.

59
00:03:45,529 --> 00:03:49,011
Bye.
Alright.

60
00:03:49,011 --> 00:03:52,144
I'll make sure you get in.

61
00:03:55,147 --> 00:03:57,062
Bye.
Okay.

62
00:03:57,062 --> 00:04:00,370
Hey, do you go by Fred
or Mr. Banks?

63
00:04:02,807 --> 00:04:05,680
You go by Fred or Mr. Banks?

64
00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:52,030
So...

65
00:04:52,030 --> 00:04:54,990
What sound do you make?

66
00:06:45,796 --> 00:06:52,499
Leeeet me oooooouuuuuut.

67
00:06:57,286 --> 00:07:01,333
Leeeeeeet me

68
00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:08,340
ooooooooouuuuuuuuut.

69
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:27,272
Nope.

70
00:07:34,671 --> 00:07:37,108
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

71
00:07:37,108 --> 00:07:42,244
♪ Hey ♪

72
00:07:42,244 --> 00:07:44,725
♪ Ooh ♪

73
00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:52,428
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

74
00:07:52,428 --> 00:07:55,039
♪ It's Saturday morning ♪

75
00:07:55,039 --> 00:08:01,089
♪ And we got all day ♪

76
00:08:01,089 --> 00:08:02,699
♪ Mmm ♪

77
00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:05,223
♪ Baby, I've been missing you ♪

78
00:08:05,223 --> 00:08:10,490
♪ In the...
strongest place ♪

79
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,927
Hi.

80
00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:14,755
♪ All other days of the week ♪

81
00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:18,236
Hi.♪ Have come down to this ♪

82
00:08:18,236 --> 00:08:22,284
♪ Just kiss me, we'll be okay ♪Knee?

83
00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:25,200
Knee.♪ There's no one around here ♪

84
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,725
♪ That I would miss ♪

85
00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:32,599
♪ Mad, if you were away ♪Um.

86
00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:34,339
I, uh...

87
00:08:34,339 --> 00:08:35,732
I mean, if you want anything
for that,

88
00:08:35,732 --> 00:08:38,387
I, uh, have a, uh --
live in that cabin

89
00:08:38,387 --> 00:08:40,694
just down, uh --
down that driveway.

90
00:08:40,694 --> 00:08:42,217
Oh. Funny.
I'm actually in

91
00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:44,654
one of the cabins
down there, too.

92
00:08:44,654 --> 00:08:46,700
Oh.

93
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:49,572
I'm Fred.

94
00:08:49,572 --> 00:08:51,487
I didn't ask your name.

95
00:08:51,487 --> 00:08:54,055
Ha.

96
00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:58,146
Anyway, I'm gonna walk or limp
down that way.

97
00:08:58,146 --> 00:08:59,539
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna...

98
00:09:03,194 --> 00:09:06,502
So, what are you
running from?

99
00:09:06,502 --> 00:09:07,851
Running?

100
00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:10,158
I'm not running.

101
00:09:10,158 --> 00:09:13,117
I'm writing.Oh, really?! Me, too!

102
00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:15,032
I, uh --
I drove up from the city.

103
00:09:15,032 --> 00:09:17,339
♪EscapedBrooklyn.

104
00:09:17,339 --> 00:09:19,036
So you're a writer, or...

105
00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:20,864
Yeah, a novelist.

106
00:09:20,864 --> 00:09:23,867
Uh, horror mainly.

107
00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:25,216
Huh.

108
00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:27,044
Horror.

109
00:09:27,044 --> 00:09:28,742
So do I.

110
00:09:28,742 --> 00:09:30,961
"So do I."
So do you.

111
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:33,573
So do you, too.

112
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:36,750
So do you novel, too?
I...

113
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:38,665
A-Anything I've read? Uh, I mean...

114
00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:42,407
Uh, I've got
a few things in, uh --

115
00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:45,889
had a few things
in development.Oh, so yours is a no.

116
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,848
What about you?
Have you, uh --

117
00:09:47,848 --> 00:09:51,242
you written anything
I've read or... I, um...

118
00:09:51,242 --> 00:09:54,637
I just wrote a book called,
um... "Venus."

119
00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:56,726
It's about a little boy
and his mom who, uh,

120
00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:59,816
What, the -- the --
the zombie outbreak book?

121
00:09:59,816 --> 00:10:01,513
You wrote "Venus?!"

122
00:10:01,513 --> 00:10:03,820
I heard you on "Fresh Air."Oh, yeah.

123
00:10:03,820 --> 00:10:05,779
You're a best-selling author!

124
00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:07,824
Wow!
Oh, I'm so sorry.

125
00:10:07,824 --> 00:10:10,087
This road is actually only
for best-selling authors,

126
00:10:10,087 --> 00:10:11,872
so they might kick ya out.

127
00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:13,700
Well, I am an actor, too.

128
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:16,180
You know, I, uh... act.

129
00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:17,791
Well, I w-was, but...

130
00:10:17,791 --> 00:10:21,098
Uh, my knee hurts.
I'm here.Oh, yeah, and I'm...

131
00:10:21,098 --> 00:10:24,101
Well, uh -- Hey, uh,
it was nice, uh --

132
00:10:24,101 --> 00:10:25,581
nice meeting you, uh,
Fanny...

133
00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:27,365
It's Fanny Addie?

134
00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:29,585
Yeah, right.
Ah.

135
00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,761
Fred.
Banks.

136
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,502
Fred Banks.

137
00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:35,591
So -- Hey...

138
00:10:35,591 --> 00:10:37,593
happy writing.

139
00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:39,464
Yeah.
Keep the dream alive.

140
00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:41,771
Okay.

141
00:11:30,385 --> 00:11:32,387
You're not so great.

142
00:11:38,828 --> 00:11:40,090
Nope.

143
00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:10,817
You got a flashlight around here,
Mr. Torranccce?

144
00:12:15,865 --> 00:12:17,780
We've got one here.

145
00:12:20,304 --> 00:12:21,958
Nope.

146
00:12:21,958 --> 00:12:23,351
Huh.

147
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:30,750
You got a biiig
imagination, Freddy.

148
00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:35,363
Huh.

149
00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:36,973
Okay.

150
00:12:43,414 --> 00:12:45,895
Ah! Ah! Tour power out?!

151
00:12:48,637 --> 00:12:50,987
Just when I was really
getting into my groove.

152
00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:54,512
Sorry?

153
00:12:54,512 --> 00:12:56,297
Oh, you know?
The power outage.

154
00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:58,995
I was writing and I
was <i>really</i>feeling myself.

155
00:12:58,995 --> 00:13:01,258
You know when you're in Zumba
and you're, like, dancing?

156
00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:03,391
Like, you know,
you're just sort of doing it

157
00:13:03,391 --> 00:13:05,436
with a 90-year-old in the back?
Like, a little bounce,

158
00:13:05,436 --> 00:13:07,395
cause you can't quite
follow the choreography,

159
00:13:07,395 --> 00:13:09,440
and then all of a sudden
that hip-hop song comes in

160
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,616
and you're like,
"Yeah, bitch, I got this.

161
00:13:11,616 --> 00:13:15,620
I may be a white girl, but I can
shake it like a motherfucker."

162
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:19,102
Wow.
This place is small.

163
00:13:19,102 --> 00:13:20,800
Oh,
your million dollar ideas?

164
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,543
Actually, yes.
Oh.

165
00:13:25,543 --> 00:13:27,545
What are you working on?I'm not telling you.

166
00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:30,853
Oh. I'm sorry. Ha!
That was kind of aggressive,

167
00:13:30,853 --> 00:13:33,203
wasn't it?
I just -- I don't really talk about my projects.

168
00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:34,988
Some people steal, especially,
you know,

169
00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:37,381
desperate white dudes
like you.

170
00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:38,643
Excuse me.

171
00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:40,645
Why didn't you make
a fire?

172
00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:43,126
Oh, uh.
I intended to.

173
00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:47,087
So, what are <i>you
working on?</i>

174
00:13:48,697 --> 00:13:50,438
A few different things.

175
00:13:50,438 --> 00:13:52,962
Writing things?
You said you were a writer.

176
00:13:52,962 --> 00:13:55,312
Yeah, I'm, um,

177
00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:58,750
working on this
religious epic right now.

178
00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:01,144
It's about Korah.
- Oh!

179
00:14:01,144 --> 00:14:02,667
The rebel
who betrayed Moses.

180
00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:05,453
Dope.
Or Korah from the Koran?

181
00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:10,632
I'm still...
still working that out,

182
00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:12,852
but, uh... I've also got one
about werewolves.

183
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:15,811
- Ugh.

184
00:14:15,811 --> 00:14:19,032
- What?
- Werewolves.

185
00:14:19,032 --> 00:14:20,511
Yeah.
Scary, right?

186
00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:22,426
No.
Trodden.

187
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:23,732
- How is it trodden?
- Let me do it.

188
00:14:23,732 --> 00:14:25,038
Oh.

189
00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:29,825
You need kindling.

190
00:14:29,825 --> 00:14:31,131
Yeah. I know.

191
00:14:31,131 --> 00:14:33,524
Werewolves are tough.

192
00:14:33,524 --> 00:14:35,352
You've got "An American Werewolf
in London,"

193
00:14:35,352 --> 00:14:37,572
and then you've got
everything else, which is what?

194
00:14:37,572 --> 00:14:39,182
Uh, "Silver Bullet?"

195
00:14:39,182 --> 00:14:40,967
I think
"Silver Bullet's" good.

196
00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:44,492
"Silver Bullet" is childish,
campy garbage.

197
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,322
- Ouch.
- Whoo!

198
00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:50,150
Nice job, me.

199
00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:53,762
So, what's
the werewolf tale?

200
00:14:53,762 --> 00:14:57,548
Well, it's kind of
a revenge story.

201
00:14:57,548 --> 00:15:00,551
A werewolf kills
a guy's parents.

202
00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:05,556
A werewolf kills
a guy's parents?

203
00:15:05,556 --> 00:15:07,123
Well, he's a...

204
00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:09,082
He's a little boy
at the time.

205
00:15:09,082 --> 00:15:12,955
At the time a werewolf
kills his parents?

206
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:15,349
Tears 'em in pieces,
yeah.

207
00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:18,569
And he's like,"
I'm gonna get revenge."

208
00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:20,571
Um...
So, it sort of becomes like a --

209
00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:22,269
like an action saga.

210
00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:23,792
I mean, that's a cool
little-boy voice,

211
00:15:23,792 --> 00:15:27,448
but, uhhh,
what's the story?

212
00:15:27,448 --> 00:15:30,364
What do you mean,
"What's the story?"

213
00:15:30,364 --> 00:15:32,279
That's the story.
I just told you.

214
00:15:32,279 --> 00:15:34,846
No, that's an idea.
What actually happens?

215
00:15:49,209 --> 00:15:51,472
Just because you're
the best-selling author

216
00:15:51,472 --> 00:15:54,518
of one horror book

217
00:15:54,518 --> 00:15:58,653
doesn't mean you get
to school me on story.

218
00:15:58,653 --> 00:16:00,394
Oh, Fred.

219
00:16:02,439 --> 00:16:04,006
Actually...

220
00:16:06,661 --> 00:16:09,664
Yes.

221
00:16:09,664 --> 00:16:11,274
Yes, it does.

222
00:16:11,274 --> 00:16:19,587
♪♪

223
00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:21,241
You scared?

224
00:16:24,766 --> 00:16:26,376
I don't love thunder.

225
00:16:29,901 --> 00:16:32,121
What?
Nothing scares you?

226
00:16:32,121 --> 00:16:34,210
Oh, no.
I love being scared.

227
00:16:49,704 --> 00:17:00,889
♪♪

228
00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:07,417
I have an idea...

229
00:17:11,639 --> 00:17:13,989
Okay.

230
00:17:13,989 --> 00:17:15,469
Cheers.
Cheers.

231
00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:19,429
What's your idea?
Scare me.

232
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:23,042
Wait, like -- You scare me.
I'll scare you.

233
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,653
What?
Power outage.

234
00:17:25,653 --> 00:17:27,394
I'm bored.

235
00:17:27,394 --> 00:17:31,180
You're a scaredy cat.
Unfair.

236
00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:34,009
Let's tell
each other scary stories.

237
00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:38,970
I don't know any scary stories.

238
00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:40,755
Oh, you don't know
any scary stories?

239
00:17:40,755 --> 00:17:43,714
You get to make 'em up
'cause you are a writer.

240
00:17:43,714 --> 00:17:46,195
<i>You</i>are the professional.

241
00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:48,241
I...
work in advertising.

242
00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:51,766
Oh, my God, dude.
Shut the fuck up.

243
00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:54,203
Use your imagination.

244
00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:56,640
Come on, Fred.
Story time.

245
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,207
No judgies.

246
00:18:03,038 --> 00:18:04,648
Okay.

247
00:18:04,648 --> 00:18:10,915
♪♪

248
00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:12,395
You first.

249
00:18:12,395 --> 00:18:14,963
What do you mean,
"You first?"

250
00:18:14,963 --> 00:18:17,008
This was --
It your idea.

251
00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:19,010
Tell your werewolf story.

252
00:18:19,010 --> 00:18:21,970
Chop chop, kiddies.
Ha-ha.

253
00:18:21,970 --> 00:18:23,450
That was a Cryptkeeper
impression.

254
00:18:23,450 --> 00:18:26,148
The...
That's like my favorite --

255
00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:28,281
That's my favorite show.Oh, my God.
I love that show, too.

256
00:18:28,281 --> 00:18:30,065
I love all his puns.

257
00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:33,242
Tonight's tale
is a story of an ax murderer

258
00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:35,723
who loves to have fun.

259
00:18:37,942 --> 00:18:40,771
Good evening, boys and ghouls.

260
00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:44,906
May I... ax you a question?

261
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,738
Werewolf.
Go.

262
00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:53,088
Okay, uh, so...

263
00:18:53,088 --> 00:18:55,960
werewolf, hmm.

264
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,920
It is about...

265
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:03,446
There's, uh, this kid,
a little boy, and he --

266
00:19:03,446 --> 00:19:07,189
His parents
are slaughtered

267
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,452
by a werewolf.Jesus Christ, dude.

268
00:19:09,452 --> 00:19:11,150
It's a good story,
right?

269
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,803
No. Awful.

270
00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:17,025
Huh.

271
00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:18,896
I thought you said
no judgies.

272
00:19:18,896 --> 00:19:21,290
Dude!
We are literally fireside.

273
00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:23,597
Get the fuck up
and conjure me some scaries.

274
00:19:23,597 --> 00:19:27,470
You're an actor.Not like professionally.

275
00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:31,300
Get up,
use the space, and scare me!

276
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,433
Who are you,
Uta Hagen?

277
00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:34,695
Who-gen?

278
00:19:34,695 --> 00:19:36,436
Okay.

279
00:19:39,395 --> 00:19:41,876
Fine. Oh, hey!

280
00:19:41,876 --> 00:19:44,661
He is warming up, guys!
You know this is gonna be good!

281
00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:46,881
Okay, just lower your voice.

282
00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:48,491
What?

283
00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:54,497
You afraid you're going to awake
the women in the attic.

284
00:20:16,171 --> 00:20:18,478
Let me out!
Jesus!

285
00:20:18,478 --> 00:20:19,783
Come on!

286
00:20:19,783 --> 00:20:21,655
Get up and scare me,
motherfucker!

287
00:20:21,655 --> 00:20:24,310
We're burning moonlight! Okay!
Alright, fine.

288
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:26,312
Shit.

289
00:20:26,312 --> 00:20:29,010
Okay.

290
00:20:29,010 --> 00:20:31,795
So, uh...
There's this little boy,

291
00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:34,668
Sam, okay,
and it's his birthday,

292
00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:37,061
and his parents and all his family,
they're all gathered around.

293
00:20:37,061 --> 00:20:38,976
They're clapping and they're smiling and they're just like,

294
00:20:38,976 --> 00:20:41,196
"Aw, what a great
little boy.

295
00:20:41,196 --> 00:20:43,459
Oh, what an incredible life
we're going to give you."

296
00:20:43,459 --> 00:20:45,809
It's a little on the nose.
"What an incredible life

297
00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:48,116
we're gonna give you?"Hey. This is my story.

298
00:20:48,116 --> 00:20:49,857
I'm still working it out,
okay?

299
00:20:49,857 --> 00:20:51,902
Keep going.

300
00:20:51,902 --> 00:20:54,992
Okay, so, that night,

301
00:20:54,992 --> 00:20:58,953
Sam is tossing
and he's turning in bed.

302
00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:01,042
Sorry.
And It doesn't help

303
00:21:01,042 --> 00:21:04,654
that there's, like, a storm --
like a <i>really</i>bad storm.

304
00:21:04,654 --> 00:21:07,918
And he looks outside
his bedroom window,

305
00:21:07,918 --> 00:21:11,661
and he sees
this creepy... crawly...

306
00:21:11,661 --> 00:21:14,098
tree.

307
00:21:14,098 --> 00:21:15,665
Kind of like the one
in Poltergeist.

308
00:21:15,665 --> 00:21:17,101
You know, it's like

309
00:21:17,101 --> 00:21:19,016
branches all gnarled,

310
00:21:19,016 --> 00:21:20,844
and it's banging
against the house in the wind,

311
00:21:20,844 --> 00:21:23,891
just like...

312
00:21:26,807 --> 00:21:30,550
Anyway.

313
00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:33,857
So, Sam, he hears
this noise downstairs,

314
00:21:33,857 --> 00:21:35,685
and it's kind of like...

315
00:21:35,685 --> 00:21:37,557
Like a -- Like a...

316
00:21:37,557 --> 00:21:39,950
You know, like
a weird animal sound.

317
00:21:39,950 --> 00:21:42,431
And just down the hallway,
his mom and his dad,

318
00:21:42,431 --> 00:21:44,085
they hear it, too.
And the mom wakes the dad.

319
00:21:44,085 --> 00:21:46,566
Like, " Sweetheart,
did -- did you hear that?

320
00:21:46,566 --> 00:21:48,481
, I think there's
someone in the house."

321
00:21:48,481 --> 00:21:50,526
"Hey, don't -- don't wake me up."
I don't know if the dad's,

322
00:21:50,526 --> 00:21:52,572
like, Jewish or --
And the dad's like...

323
00:21:52,572 --> 00:21:54,878
I guess I'll go check it out.

324
00:21:54,878 --> 00:21:56,663
So... dad,

325
00:21:56,663 --> 00:21:58,665
he goes downstairs
with a flashlight.

326
00:21:58,665 --> 00:22:00,667
Details! Details!
Details!

327
00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:05,585
Sam's dad,
whose name is... Bill

328
00:22:05,585 --> 00:22:07,674
and he has a mustache
and a comb-over,

329
00:22:07,674 --> 00:22:09,023
and he heads downstairs
with a flashlight,

330
00:22:09,023 --> 00:22:10,894
with a flash--
with a red flashlight,

331
00:22:10,894 --> 00:22:12,287
like one you used
to have as a kid.

332
00:22:12,287 --> 00:22:14,028
That's a detail! Yeah.

333
00:22:14,028 --> 00:22:17,292
So... he heads
downstairs, and he's --

334
00:22:17,292 --> 00:22:19,773
he's trembling. You know, he's like scared.
He's the man of the house,

335
00:22:19,773 --> 00:22:22,166
but his, like, heart is like beating fast.
He's got a bad heart,

336
00:22:22,166 --> 00:22:24,212
and he's just, like, really
spooked, and he's trembling.

337
00:22:24,212 --> 00:22:25,605
Show me.
Show me the shaking.

338
00:22:25,605 --> 00:22:28,347
He's like....
"Okay.

339
00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:29,652
Doesn't seem to be
anything here."

340
00:22:29,652 --> 00:22:31,350
- Hey.
- Sorry.

341
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:33,221
He's looking for the source
of the noise, you know?

342
00:22:33,221 --> 00:22:36,485
And then, "Ah!

343
00:22:36,485 --> 00:22:38,835
It's just a raccoon.

344
00:22:38,835 --> 00:22:40,663
You know how when raccoons
stand up

345
00:22:40,663 --> 00:22:42,404
and they're all cute on their
hind legs, and he's like...

346
00:22:42,404 --> 00:22:43,840
And he has a little chuckle

347
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,146
He's like,"

348
00:22:45,146 --> 00:22:46,843
Well, that's definitely
not evil."

349
00:22:46,843 --> 00:22:49,585
But then he hears something.

350
00:22:49,585 --> 00:22:50,978
He turns around.

351
00:22:54,721 --> 00:22:57,245
Gasp.
What is it, Fred?

352
00:22:57,245 --> 00:22:58,681
It's a werewolf, Fanny!

353
00:22:58,681 --> 00:23:02,163
It's a big fucking,
gasping, gaping

354
00:23:02,163 --> 00:23:04,818
3-feet-wide, 10-feet-tall,

355
00:23:04,818 --> 00:23:07,429
inhuman fucking werewolf!

356
00:23:07,429 --> 00:23:09,779
And it just, like,
smashes through the window

357
00:23:09,779 --> 00:23:12,434
like it's nothing! Like it's nothing.
I love that.

358
00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:14,828
He shines the flashlight
in the werewolf's face.

359
00:23:18,658 --> 00:23:20,877
And takes his fucking fangs,

360
00:23:20,877 --> 00:23:22,792
and he's like...

361
00:23:22,792 --> 00:23:25,969
"Please have mercy."

362
00:23:25,969 --> 00:23:28,102
And the werewolf's like,
"Fuck that. I'm a werewolf."

363
00:23:28,102 --> 00:23:29,625
And he doesn't have mercy,
and he was like...

364
00:23:32,672 --> 00:23:34,587
And blood's just....

365
00:23:36,502 --> 00:23:38,112
So he's dead.
But then,

366
00:23:38,112 --> 00:23:40,419
little does the werewolf know,
mom is standing

367
00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:42,377
at the top of the stairs.
She saw the whole thing.

368
00:23:44,379 --> 00:23:45,859
Oh, my God.

369
00:23:45,859 --> 00:23:47,251
Honey. Ohh.

370
00:23:47,251 --> 00:23:49,428
Sam!
Get in the closet quick!

371
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:51,821
There's a werewolf in the house!
And then she goes to Sam.

372
00:23:51,821 --> 00:23:54,911
She's like...

373
00:23:54,911 --> 00:23:56,260
Everything's gonna be fine,
okay?

374
00:23:56,260 --> 00:23:58,001
- Okay.
- Okay. You get it.

375
00:23:58,001 --> 00:24:00,047
So anyway, obviously the
werewolf hears all of this,

376
00:24:00,047 --> 00:24:02,266
because you know, ah,
'cause -- 'cause he's...

377
00:24:02,266 --> 00:24:05,748
half dog or whatever.
So he starts lurking up the -- up the stairs.

378
00:24:05,748 --> 00:24:07,533
He's lumbering
up the stairs? Lumbering up the stairs.

379
00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:09,926
Yeah, he starts lumbering up
the stairs, like...

380
00:24:09,926 --> 00:24:12,581
Like...

381
00:24:12,581 --> 00:24:14,322
Show me that lumber!

382
00:24:18,935 --> 00:24:21,111
Ooh,
breathe like a werewolf.

383
00:24:21,111 --> 00:24:22,896
Breathe.

384
00:24:30,425 --> 00:24:39,173
♪♪

385
00:24:39,173 --> 00:24:41,958
Holy fuck.
That's fucking scary, dude.

386
00:24:43,917 --> 00:24:45,440
See?

387
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,616
I can be scary.

388
00:24:47,616 --> 00:24:49,139
Apparently.

389
00:24:49,139 --> 00:24:50,401
Anyway.

390
00:24:50,401 --> 00:24:53,579
So, the werewolf lurks

391
00:24:53,579 --> 00:24:56,669
and lumbers and snarls
his way up the stairs.

392
00:24:56,669 --> 00:25:00,803
Just like....
Just like sniffing the area.

393
00:25:00,803 --> 00:25:02,936
You know, searching for his next
victim.

394
00:25:02,936 --> 00:25:05,242
And then mom distracts him
from somewhere in the house.

395
00:25:05,242 --> 00:25:07,462
She's like, "I'm in here,
you hairy son of a bitch!"

396
00:25:07,462 --> 00:25:09,029
I guess she's also
kinda Long Island,

397
00:25:09,029 --> 00:25:11,684
Jewish sorta thing, too.
And he's like, ah.

398
00:25:11,684 --> 00:25:14,904
And she grabs a revolver
from the shoe box in the closet.

399
00:25:18,691 --> 00:25:20,606
How'd you know?
How'd you know I'd do -- what?

400
00:25:20,606 --> 00:25:23,870
I mean, it's just sort of
the obvious next step.

401
00:25:26,002 --> 00:25:27,438
Why does it have
to be obvious?

402
00:25:27,438 --> 00:25:29,789
I -- Look,
I'm not nagging you or anything.

403
00:25:29,789 --> 00:25:31,486
It's just been done,
like, I don't know,

404
00:25:31,486 --> 00:25:33,532
600 or 700 times.

405
00:25:33,532 --> 00:25:36,752
Okay. Thanks for your permish.
Anyway.

406
00:25:36,752 --> 00:25:40,016
She takes a revolver
out of the closet,

407
00:25:40,016 --> 00:25:42,105
loads it as fast as she can.

408
00:25:42,105 --> 00:25:43,890
"Oh, God."

409
00:25:53,073 --> 00:25:55,902
She's like...
And the werewolf's like...

410
00:25:58,382 --> 00:26:00,167
Shoot.

411
00:26:00,167 --> 00:26:02,125
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
Shit, shit.

412
00:26:02,125 --> 00:26:04,258
And she loads a bullet
into the chamber,

413
00:26:04,258 --> 00:26:06,216
and she cocks the hammer.Quick question.

414
00:26:06,216 --> 00:26:08,175
A-Are they silver bullets?
It really feels like

415
00:26:08,175 --> 00:26:09,698
mom knows
what she's doing here.

416
00:26:09,698 --> 00:26:13,397
You know, was she a cop
or something?

417
00:26:13,397 --> 00:26:15,095
Yeah.
Y-Yeah, good point.

418
00:26:15,095 --> 00:26:17,314
Meanwhile, her little boy,
he's hiding in the closet

419
00:26:17,314 --> 00:26:18,881
just, like, trying not
to make a peep, like.

420
00:26:18,881 --> 00:26:21,057
Laurie Strode
in "Halloween."

421
00:26:21,057 --> 00:26:24,017
Exactly. Exactly.

422
00:26:24,017 --> 00:26:25,627
Okay.

423
00:26:33,940 --> 00:26:35,506
As the werewolf is, like,

424
00:26:35,506 --> 00:26:38,988
walking past the closet door.
Like... ka-thump.

425
00:26:38,988 --> 00:26:40,555
Ka-thump.

426
00:26:40,555 --> 00:26:44,907
Ka-thump.

427
00:26:44,907 --> 00:26:48,519
Ka-thump, ka-thump.

428
00:26:48,519 --> 00:26:51,740
Ka-thump, ka-thump.

429
00:26:51,740 --> 00:26:54,090
That's when mom gets
in the firing position.

430
00:26:54,090 --> 00:26:56,223
"Smile, you son of a bitch!"

431
00:26:56,223 --> 00:26:58,704
Very "Jaws."Favorite movie.

432
00:27:03,273 --> 00:27:05,275
Then there's just, like, smoke,
you know?

433
00:27:07,277 --> 00:27:09,671
Did she kill him?

434
00:27:09,671 --> 00:27:12,108
No!
The werewolf's like...

435
00:27:21,770 --> 00:27:23,293
And her neck is just,
like, bleeding

436
00:27:23,293 --> 00:27:25,295
all over the fucking floor,
and she's like...

437
00:27:25,295 --> 00:27:27,733
"I love you so much."

438
00:27:27,733 --> 00:27:29,952
And she lets out
this bloody gar-gargle.

439
00:27:29,952 --> 00:27:33,434
Gurgle.
She lets out a blood gurgle.

440
00:27:33,434 --> 00:27:35,088
And she's like...

441
00:27:35,088 --> 00:27:36,742
"Remember
when things were better."

442
00:27:36,742 --> 00:27:39,353
Bah.

443
00:27:39,353 --> 00:27:41,442
So, she's dead.

444
00:27:41,442 --> 00:27:43,836
Now it's just Sam hiding

445
00:27:43,836 --> 00:27:46,142
in the safety of the closet.

446
00:27:46,142 --> 00:27:47,578
Just watching that werewolf.

447
00:27:47,578 --> 00:27:50,581
It's getting closer and closer.

448
00:28:00,983 --> 00:28:03,116
See, he's getting
closer to the the closet door.

449
00:28:03,116 --> 00:28:05,074
And Sam's like,
"Oh, my fucking God, oh, my God!

450
00:28:05,074 --> 00:28:06,859
I'm gonna die."
And the werewolf's like...

451
00:28:09,688 --> 00:28:11,690
And then... boo!

452
00:28:11,690 --> 00:28:14,127
It's the fucking cops!

453
00:28:14,127 --> 00:28:16,738
Fucking murder.

454
00:28:16,738 --> 00:28:18,479
It's by a werewolf.
Fire away.

455
00:28:18,479 --> 00:28:20,133
And the cops are descending
on the house,

456
00:28:20,133 --> 00:28:21,569
and they're just like --
And the werewolf hears this.

457
00:28:21,569 --> 00:28:23,745
He's like, ah!
Which is werewolf for,

458
00:28:23,745 --> 00:28:25,486
"Fuck! I'm outta here!"

459
00:28:32,232 --> 00:28:33,842
Ah!

460
00:28:35,801 --> 00:28:39,630
Did the werewolf hit his knee
or was that just you?

461
00:28:39,630 --> 00:28:42,590
That's very funny.
That's really funny.

462
00:28:42,590 --> 00:28:44,853
Okay, real question --
How'd the cops come?

463
00:28:47,856 --> 00:28:49,379
They knew...

464
00:28:49,379 --> 00:28:52,556
because mom...

465
00:28:52,556 --> 00:28:54,080
she dialed 911

466
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:55,690
and left the receiver
off the hook.

467
00:28:58,171 --> 00:29:01,478
So, uh, cops come,
little boy gets rescued,

468
00:29:01,478 --> 00:29:03,480
werewolf gets away
and then what?

469
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:06,396
It's a really good question.

470
00:29:06,396 --> 00:29:08,834
That's a really g-good question.
Um.

471
00:29:08,834 --> 00:29:10,749
Well, I think...
Ah.

472
00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:13,142
...Sam grows up, and he becomes
kind of like a --

473
00:29:13,142 --> 00:29:15,101
maybe like a bounty hunter

474
00:29:15,101 --> 00:29:18,931
hell-bent on getting revenge
on his parents' killer.

475
00:29:18,931 --> 00:29:21,542
Yeah, I mean, I guess
my first question is...

476
00:29:21,542 --> 00:29:23,500
Did Sam's family know
this werewolf?

477
00:29:23,500 --> 00:29:26,634
You know, like,
pre -- pre-becoming a werewolf?

478
00:29:26,634 --> 00:29:28,636
Was it the
neighborhood pervert

479
00:29:28,636 --> 00:29:30,594
who was bitten by
some lycan

480
00:29:30,594 --> 00:29:32,074
and then just came
after the family

481
00:29:32,074 --> 00:29:33,772
'cause, like,
he secretly likes little boys,

482
00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:35,425
like Stanley Tucci?

483
00:29:35,425 --> 00:29:37,253
I mean, not that Stanley Tucci
likes little boys,

484
00:29:37,253 --> 00:29:38,907
but you know, it's kind of
like "Lovely Bones,"

485
00:29:38,907 --> 00:29:40,691
and he played that character,
and he was so good.

486
00:29:40,691 --> 00:29:42,258
Yeah, no, I don't know.
I mean, that's good,

487
00:29:42,258 --> 00:29:43,956
but I -- I don't know.
I-I'll figure that out.

488
00:29:43,956 --> 00:29:46,480
But...
- Okay. So, uh...

489
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:49,352
Does Sam get
his revenge?

490
00:29:49,352 --> 00:29:52,399
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.

491
00:29:52,399 --> 00:29:56,098
Maybe Sam tracks
him down like at a diner.

492
00:29:56,098 --> 00:29:57,839
Maybe he's like
a creepy mechanic.

493
00:29:57,839 --> 00:29:59,580
With his mom's revolver,

494
00:29:59,580 --> 00:30:01,103
the gun he's been carrying
around for years,

495
00:30:01,103 --> 00:30:03,366
and it's loaded
with silver bullets.

496
00:30:03,366 --> 00:30:05,325
And he walks up to him.
He knows who he is.

497
00:30:05,325 --> 00:30:08,067
He knows his, like, alter ego,
you know?

498
00:30:08,067 --> 00:30:11,635
And he's like, "Excuse me...

499
00:30:11,635 --> 00:30:14,421
Are you Ben... Franklin?"

500
00:30:14,421 --> 00:30:16,118
Sorry, I'm not good
with coming up with names.

501
00:30:16,118 --> 00:30:18,033
No, I think it's great that
the werewolf shares his name

502
00:30:18,033 --> 00:30:20,296
with a politician
who also discovered electricity.

503
00:30:20,296 --> 00:30:21,907
Yeah, I agree.

504
00:30:21,907 --> 00:30:23,996
"Are you Ben Franklin?"

505
00:30:23,996 --> 00:30:26,389
"What the fuck
is it to you, buddy?"

506
00:30:26,389 --> 00:30:28,391
And he just, like --
all the rage, all he hears.

507
00:30:28,391 --> 00:30:30,611
He's just, like, seeing the..., like,
all those years.

508
00:30:30,611 --> 00:30:34,006
And he's looking at his eyes,
and he looks at him, and he knows.

509
00:30:34,006 --> 00:30:37,139
And then... everything goes
in slow-motion.

510
00:30:45,278 --> 00:30:47,367
Splat.

511
00:30:47,367 --> 00:30:50,370
End movie!
Cue Huey Lewis!

512
00:30:50,370 --> 00:30:51,632
Credits.

513
00:30:55,810 --> 00:30:58,682
What if Sam's a girl?

514
00:30:58,682 --> 00:31:01,381
Uh...

515
00:31:01,381 --> 00:31:03,731
Well, she's not.

516
00:31:03,731 --> 00:31:06,516
Because I'm writing
from personal experience.

517
00:31:06,516 --> 00:31:07,996
Oh,
the personal experience

518
00:31:07,996 --> 00:31:10,477
of a werewolf killing
your entire family?

519
00:31:10,477 --> 00:31:12,827
You must hate dogs. Fanny...

520
00:31:12,827 --> 00:31:15,003
Too many white guys
in action flicks.

521
00:31:15,003 --> 00:31:16,526
Come on, John Wick.

522
00:31:16,526 --> 00:31:17,963
Pass the Bechdel test.

523
00:31:17,963 --> 00:31:19,268
Okay, Sam's a girl.

524
00:31:19,268 --> 00:31:20,835
Sam's a girl now.
Sam's Samantha.

525
00:31:20,835 --> 00:31:22,489
Okay. You happy?

526
00:31:22,489 --> 00:31:25,927
Sam is a girl,
because I'm a...

527
00:31:25,927 --> 00:31:30,149
white dude
who's inclusive of all --Inclusive of all genders,

528
00:31:30,149 --> 00:31:32,325
conforming
and nonconforming, yeah.

529
00:31:32,325 --> 00:31:34,414
And hand out a compliment,
for Christ's sake, you know.

530
00:31:34,414 --> 00:31:37,286
I just made a fool of myself acting my little heart out for you.

531
00:31:37,286 --> 00:31:39,854
Your turn, Strasbourg.

532
00:31:39,854 --> 00:31:41,508
I'm good.

533
00:31:43,814 --> 00:31:45,425
What the hell do you mean,
you're good?

534
00:31:45,425 --> 00:31:46,948
It was your idea
to stay up all night

535
00:31:46,948 --> 00:31:48,689
and do this, like...

536
00:31:48,689 --> 00:31:51,257
...scary story
theater shit.

537
00:31:51,257 --> 00:31:53,172
Come on, act out
that "top secret project"

538
00:31:53,172 --> 00:31:56,871
you've been talking about.

539
00:31:56,871 --> 00:31:59,004
I couldn't possibly do that.

540
00:32:01,136 --> 00:32:03,399
What, did you sign, like,
an NDA or something?

541
00:32:03,399 --> 00:32:05,924
Actually, yes.
Huh.

542
00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:09,753
All my stuff that's in
development is top secret, so...

543
00:32:09,753 --> 00:32:12,626
Well, aren't you, uh...
cool.

544
00:32:12,626 --> 00:32:14,193
Well, you got to tell me
some story.

545
00:32:14,193 --> 00:32:15,977
I mean, come on.

546
00:32:15,977 --> 00:32:18,980
Tell me more about the...
woman in the attic.

547
00:32:21,330 --> 00:32:24,943
Actually, I've got a story
for you.

548
00:32:29,948 --> 00:32:32,515
It's called...

549
00:32:32,515 --> 00:32:35,344
"Grandpa."

550
00:32:35,344 --> 00:32:37,390
I'm hooked.
And it's about

551
00:32:37,390 --> 00:32:41,524
a little girl
and her creepy-crawly grandpa.

552
00:32:41,524 --> 00:32:44,484
Real quick, if this is
a kid-touchy story,

553
00:32:44,484 --> 00:32:48,618
not interested.Well, that's what makes it
so scary.

554
00:32:48,618 --> 00:32:52,579
This little girl,
let's call her Cassie.

555
00:32:52,579 --> 00:32:55,016
Every day, Cassie is left alone
with her grandpa

556
00:32:55,016 --> 00:32:59,673
and she just knows
he's gonna do something.

557
00:32:59,673 --> 00:33:02,328
It's not just the fact
that he's Romanian

558
00:33:02,328 --> 00:33:05,200
or Russian
or something vaguely Slovak

559
00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:08,377
and sounds like
a fucked-up vampire.

560
00:33:08,377 --> 00:33:11,990
It's the way his lazy eyes

561
00:33:11,990 --> 00:33:14,427
track her around the room

562
00:33:14,427 --> 00:33:16,777
as she's cleaning up

563
00:33:16,777 --> 00:33:20,389
or playing with her dolls.

564
00:33:20,389 --> 00:33:23,305
How he sits slumped

565
00:33:23,305 --> 00:33:25,742
at the dining room table

566
00:33:25,742 --> 00:33:29,659
that they haven't had a meal
at since poor grandma died,

567
00:33:29,659 --> 00:33:32,706
his coffee table littered
with old newspapers

568
00:33:32,706 --> 00:33:34,708
and nature magazines

569
00:33:34,708 --> 00:33:37,928
conveniently dog-eared to the
pages of indigenous women

570
00:33:37,928 --> 00:33:39,843
bearing their breasts,

571
00:33:39,843 --> 00:33:43,151
pack after pack
of Kent Kings smoked.

572
00:33:45,153 --> 00:33:47,764
Come here.

573
00:33:47,764 --> 00:33:50,332
Come to your grandpa.

574
00:33:50,332 --> 00:33:52,769
How is school?"

575
00:33:52,769 --> 00:33:54,467
Okay. I'm good.

576
00:33:54,467 --> 00:33:57,035
Dude, shut the fuck up.
I'm not going there, okay?

577
00:33:59,037 --> 00:34:01,213
Anyway.
Fucked-up thing.

578
00:34:01,213 --> 00:34:02,997
Cassie tries to hide.

579
00:34:02,997 --> 00:34:05,260
Grandpa tries to find her.

580
00:34:05,260 --> 00:34:07,610
Shuffling around
in his pajamas,

581
00:34:07,610 --> 00:34:11,049
wheeling around
that squeaky oxygen tank.

582
00:34:16,445 --> 00:34:20,275
Always knew where grandpa was
'cause of that squeaky tank.

583
00:34:20,275 --> 00:34:24,018
Most fucked-up part
is his dog, Rover --

584
00:34:24,018 --> 00:34:26,238
just nipped at Cassie
any time she came around,

585
00:34:26,238 --> 00:34:28,240
and grandpa
would shrug it off.

586
00:34:28,240 --> 00:34:33,767
"Oh, he loves you maybe
more than grandpa, I tink."

587
00:34:36,204 --> 00:34:40,121
Just kidding.

588
00:34:40,121 --> 00:34:43,733
Cassie knew how much grandpa
loved his sloppy soups

589
00:34:43,733 --> 00:34:45,692
and warm apple sauces.

590
00:34:45,692 --> 00:34:49,565
So one say before dinner,
she goes to the medicine cabinet

591
00:34:49,565 --> 00:34:51,567
and decides to poison him.

592
00:34:51,567 --> 00:34:55,180
That's a fucked-up kid.No, it's like kid logic.

593
00:34:55,180 --> 00:34:56,703
You know, she's like,
"I don't know.

594
00:34:56,703 --> 00:34:58,574
Maybe medicine will
make him better

595
00:34:58,574 --> 00:35:00,315
or maybe it will
make him dead.

596
00:35:00,315 --> 00:35:02,361
But either way,
I shall be happier.

597
00:35:02,361 --> 00:35:05,190
Also I'm 5,
so I don't know better."

598
00:35:05,190 --> 00:35:07,105
So she takes
the medicine out,

599
00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:08,932
and she breaks
the little pills

600
00:35:08,932 --> 00:35:12,110
like a mini
Paul Sheldon "Misery."

601
00:35:12,110 --> 00:35:14,982
Sprinkles them
over the soup

602
00:35:14,982 --> 00:35:17,463
and serves grandpa.

603
00:35:17,463 --> 00:35:21,945
But just as grandpa is about
to take his first sip...

604
00:35:24,034 --> 00:35:25,732
...he begins to cough.

605
00:35:25,732 --> 00:35:27,560
And soon...

606
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:31,303
...the cough turns
into a full emphysemic attack.

607
00:35:38,136 --> 00:35:40,790
He spasms and knocks
the soup over.

608
00:35:40,790 --> 00:35:44,794
Before he can say, "Down boy,"
Rover runs over...

609
00:35:44,794 --> 00:35:46,622
...and eats all of it.

610
00:35:57,416 --> 00:35:59,374
Stop. Sorry.

611
00:35:59,374 --> 00:36:01,637
That just makes me
uncomfortable.

612
00:36:01,637 --> 00:36:03,987
Not long after Rover
lap-lap-laps up

613
00:36:03,987 --> 00:36:06,686
all that soup,
as expected,

614
00:36:06,686 --> 00:36:09,254
he drops dead right there,
right in front of them.

615
00:36:11,125 --> 00:36:13,083
As you can imagine,

616
00:36:13,083 --> 00:36:16,043
grandpa is beside himself.

617
00:36:16,043 --> 00:36:20,569
"Nyet! Nyet!

618
00:36:20,569 --> 00:36:26,009
Oh,

619
00:36:26,009 --> 00:36:30,318
Oh, my-ah suka.

620
00:36:30,318 --> 00:36:34,931
Suka...

621
00:36:34,931 --> 00:36:38,152
Grandpa's health quickly
declines after that.

622
00:36:38,152 --> 00:36:41,677
Few days later, Cassie kneels
next to grandpa's bed

623
00:36:41,677 --> 00:36:45,115
and shovels
Greek yogurt or applesauce

624
00:36:45,115 --> 00:36:47,683
or some soft shit
into his mouth,

625
00:36:47,683 --> 00:36:50,295
but he's just too sad.

626
00:36:50,295 --> 00:36:51,992
It just gets
all over his face.

627
00:36:51,992 --> 00:36:53,733
Like...

628
00:36:56,562 --> 00:37:00,522
"Cassie, come here.

629
00:37:00,522 --> 00:37:03,569
I have secret for you."

630
00:37:03,569 --> 00:37:06,311
Well, Cassie doesn't want
to "cyum heahr."

631
00:37:06,311 --> 00:37:08,051
But she does 'cause she knows
what she did,

632
00:37:08,051 --> 00:37:10,271
and she's like,"
You know, whatever.

633
00:37:10,271 --> 00:37:13,361
It'll be over soon.
Remember what mom said.

634
00:37:13,361 --> 00:37:15,015
Be nice to grandpa.

635
00:37:15,015 --> 00:37:16,799
He don't got long left."

636
00:37:16,799 --> 00:37:20,673
And he grabs her arm
with his gnarly fingers.

637
00:37:20,673 --> 00:37:23,197
"Oh, grandpa,
you're hurting me."

638
00:37:23,197 --> 00:37:25,721
"Shh. Shh.

639
00:37:25,721 --> 00:37:28,071
I know what you did.

640
00:37:28,071 --> 00:37:30,596
I know you tried to kill me

641
00:37:30,596 --> 00:37:33,947
but you killed doggy instead."

642
00:37:33,947 --> 00:37:37,080
"No, grandpa, I swear.
I didn't mean to.

643
00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:39,344
I promise it was a mistake.

644
00:37:39,344 --> 00:37:41,084
It was an accident."

645
00:37:43,130 --> 00:37:46,176
"When I..."

646
00:37:46,176 --> 00:37:47,656
He starts choking, you know?

647
00:37:47,656 --> 00:37:49,136
He's got the food
all over his mouth.

648
00:37:49,136 --> 00:37:50,920
It's fucking disgusting.

649
00:37:54,576 --> 00:37:57,753
"When I come back,

650
00:37:57,753 --> 00:38:00,190
I'm going to get you.

651
00:38:02,889 --> 00:38:05,500
- Wow.
- She's just fucking crying.

652
00:38:12,986 --> 00:38:16,119
"Shh. Yes, cry.

653
00:38:16,119 --> 00:38:20,428
You cry little girl
'cause you try to kill me

654
00:38:20,428 --> 00:38:24,040
but you killed doggy instead.

655
00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:26,129
Is so much worse.

656
00:38:41,797 --> 00:38:45,932
So Cassie's mom sees her little
girl just totally inconsolable,

657
00:38:45,932 --> 00:38:48,195
just crying,
and she thinks she's sad.

658
00:38:48,195 --> 00:38:50,240
But no,
she's fucking terrified.

659
00:38:50,240 --> 00:38:52,939
Mom shields Cassie's eyes
from the dead body,

660
00:38:52,939 --> 00:38:55,202
pointing her directly
to the wall

661
00:38:55,202 --> 00:38:58,510
where the only piece of art...

662
00:38:58,510 --> 00:39:00,338
is a portrait...

663
00:39:00,338 --> 00:39:02,514
of grandpa's...

664
00:39:02,514 --> 00:39:06,561
beloved dog, Rover.

665
00:39:09,172 --> 00:39:10,696
Cue convenient thunder
and lightning.

666
00:39:13,612 --> 00:39:15,701
Thank you. So!

667
00:39:15,701 --> 00:39:18,007
Couple years later,
Cassie's in high school.

668
00:39:18,007 --> 00:39:20,183
- Show me those details.
- Don't interrupt me.

669
00:39:20,183 --> 00:39:22,490
So, one day, they leave
her home alone,

670
00:39:22,490 --> 00:39:27,060
and Cassie plops down
on the couch,

671
00:39:27,060 --> 00:39:29,976
pops in a VHS --
something innocuous.

672
00:39:29,976 --> 00:39:31,847
- "Howard the Duck."
- Don't interrupt me.

673
00:39:31,847 --> 00:39:35,024
Sorry.

674
00:39:35,024 --> 00:39:38,811
Cassie's splayed out
on the couch,

675
00:39:38,811 --> 00:39:42,684
watching <i>"Howard the Duck."</i>

676
00:39:42,684 --> 00:39:44,512
Ah, damn it.

677
00:39:44,512 --> 00:39:48,037
<i>- I'm Howard the duck.
- When the phone rings...</i>

678
00:39:51,867 --> 00:39:54,087
"Hello?"
Cassie's voice and body

679
00:39:54,087 --> 00:39:55,567
are stunted
from the childhood trauma.

680
00:39:55,567 --> 00:39:58,004
It's a psychological disorder.

681
00:39:58,004 --> 00:40:00,833
"Hello?

682
00:40:00,833 --> 00:40:02,400
<i>"Cassie..."</i>

683
00:40:04,924 --> 00:40:08,057
If this was a movie, I'd dolly
in real slow right about now.

684
00:40:10,059 --> 00:40:11,800
<i>"Cassie...</i>

685
00:40:11,800 --> 00:40:14,890
<i>Do you know who this is?</i>

686
00:40:17,676 --> 00:40:21,375
<i>It's grandpa.</i>

687
00:40:24,334 --> 00:40:29,644
<i>I told you when I come back,
I was going to gyet you.</i>

688
00:40:34,127 --> 00:40:37,304
And that's when she hears it.

689
00:40:37,304 --> 00:40:40,612
In the house.

690
00:40:40,612 --> 00:40:42,265
The squeak.

691
00:40:57,759 --> 00:41:00,501
Nice sound effects.

692
00:41:06,812 --> 00:41:09,379
Cassie's like, "What do I do?

693
00:41:09,379 --> 00:41:11,469
Should I get a knife
or somethin'?"

694
00:41:21,870 --> 00:41:25,613
And she walks...
slowly to the staircase.

695
00:41:34,013 --> 00:41:37,277
Whatever it is...

696
00:41:37,277 --> 00:41:38,931
It's close.

697
00:41:46,634 --> 00:41:48,636
And then she sees it.

698
00:41:54,512 --> 00:41:57,515
There at the top of the stairs

699
00:41:57,515 --> 00:42:00,343
is grandpa's shitty, shitty
Shih Tzu.

700
00:42:03,172 --> 00:42:07,525
"R-Rover?"

701
00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:12,791
It traipses down the stairs
with a sickly gait...

702
00:42:12,791 --> 00:42:18,536
...one cockeyed leg
in front of the other...

703
00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:26,674
and rowls...

704
00:42:26,674 --> 00:42:30,417
towards...

705
00:42:30,417 --> 00:42:34,290
Cassie...

706
00:42:34,290 --> 00:42:41,254
...reeeaaal slow.

707
00:42:41,254 --> 00:42:43,822
And...

708
00:42:43,822 --> 00:42:46,781
gets...

709
00:42:46,781 --> 00:42:51,612
directly in her...

710
00:42:51,612 --> 00:42:53,396
face.

711
00:43:00,447 --> 00:43:03,015
The door opens by itself.

712
00:43:11,501 --> 00:43:15,810
♪♪

713
00:43:15,810 --> 00:43:19,553
Out slinks the ghostly dog,

714
00:43:19,553 --> 00:43:22,295
and in walks mom.

715
00:43:22,295 --> 00:43:25,341
They find Cassie,

716
00:43:25,341 --> 00:43:28,954
face white
as a Japanese toilet,

717
00:43:28,954 --> 00:43:31,739
clutching a knife.

718
00:43:31,739 --> 00:43:35,569
"Sweetheart..."

719
00:43:35,569 --> 00:43:38,441
"Don't call me that.

720
00:43:42,663 --> 00:43:44,622
I need a break.
Let's order pizza.

721
00:43:46,667 --> 00:43:48,103
- Um.
- I'll get it.

722
00:43:52,238 --> 00:43:53,587
What do you want?

723
00:43:53,587 --> 00:43:55,284
Anything but Hawaiian.

724
00:43:55,284 --> 00:43:56,895
Oh, how white of you.

725
00:43:59,288 --> 00:44:02,727
What's with you and this,
like, white-guy shit?

726
00:44:02,727 --> 00:44:04,511
Are you one of these, uh,

727
00:44:04,511 --> 00:44:08,950
white-dudes-will-destroy-
the-Earth feminists... people?

728
00:44:08,950 --> 00:44:10,691
What are you,
an insult dude?

729
00:44:10,691 --> 00:44:13,476
Calm the fuck down.
I'm ordering you some za.

730
00:44:16,654 --> 00:44:21,833
Hi, uh, can I get a half-veggie,
half-uh-cheese, probably?

731
00:44:21,833 --> 00:44:25,575
Uh, delivered t--
What's the address?

732
00:44:25,575 --> 00:44:27,665
Uh...

733
00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:31,059
Uh. It's...

734
00:44:31,059 --> 00:44:35,324
Uh, yeah.
88 Bonnie Mountain Lane.

735
00:44:35,324 --> 00:44:37,457
An hour? Alright.
Yeah.

736
00:44:37,457 --> 00:44:39,938
They're a little backed up
'cause of the blackouts.

737
00:44:39,938 --> 00:44:43,071
Uh, yeah, that's fine.
Great. Love pizza!

738
00:44:43,071 --> 00:44:46,988
Bye.

739
00:44:46,988 --> 00:44:49,556
Who's Meredith?
She says you're a monster.

740
00:44:49,556 --> 00:44:51,079
Oh, shit.
Give me that.

741
00:44:51,079 --> 00:44:52,820
Who's Meredith?
It's my ex.

742
00:44:52,820 --> 00:44:54,779
Your ex?
What'd you do, monster?

743
00:44:54,779 --> 00:44:56,345
Just give me my phone.Come on --

744
00:44:56,345 --> 00:44:58,391
Just give me
my fucking phone!

745
00:44:58,391 --> 00:45:01,089
You can go back to your bigger,
better fucking cabin!

746
00:45:04,136 --> 00:45:06,181
I'm gonna go for a walk.

747
00:45:06,181 --> 00:45:07,443
Yeah. Thanks.

748
00:45:07,443 --> 00:45:09,707
A little privacy
would be great.

749
00:45:35,776 --> 00:45:55,578
♪♪

750
00:45:55,578 --> 00:45:58,843
- I'm done.
- Jesus! Dicks!

751
00:45:58,843 --> 00:46:01,759
Sorry.

752
00:46:01,759 --> 00:46:03,848
Sorry.
Didn't mean to.

753
00:46:03,848 --> 00:46:07,242
What do you got there?

754
00:46:07,242 --> 00:46:10,158
CBD.
Maybe I should've given you some

755
00:46:10,158 --> 00:46:12,465
before you freaked
the fuck out.

756
00:46:12,465 --> 00:46:14,206
Yeah, maybe you should've
given me something

757
00:46:14,206 --> 00:46:17,122
before my ex told me she's
filing a protection notice.

758
00:46:17,122 --> 00:46:19,733
Protection notice?

759
00:46:19,733 --> 00:46:22,475
You mean,
restraining order?

760
00:46:22,475 --> 00:46:23,868
It's not the same thing.

761
00:46:23,868 --> 00:46:26,131
Um.

762
00:46:26,131 --> 00:46:27,480
May I?

763
00:46:37,882 --> 00:46:39,884
It's good.

764
00:46:39,884 --> 00:46:42,408
I took her for granted.

765
00:46:42,408 --> 00:46:44,410
Um...

766
00:46:44,410 --> 00:46:48,022
And, uh...
she wanted to end it.

767
00:46:48,022 --> 00:46:49,371
Big surprise.

768
00:46:49,371 --> 00:46:52,244
She decided to kick me out.

769
00:46:52,244 --> 00:46:54,812
Big surprise.

770
00:46:54,812 --> 00:46:57,945
I find out there may have
been another guy.

771
00:47:00,426 --> 00:47:02,297
<i>Big</i>surprise.

772
00:47:02,297 --> 00:47:05,170
And, um...

773
00:47:05,170 --> 00:47:08,477
I wrote her
a bunch of letters,

774
00:47:08,477 --> 00:47:11,959
called her
200 or 300 times,

775
00:47:11,959 --> 00:47:13,961
and I threatened
to kill her.

776
00:47:16,485 --> 00:47:18,531
We threatened to kill
each other, honestly.

777
00:47:18,531 --> 00:47:20,185
You know when you're in
a relationship with someone...

778
00:47:20,185 --> 00:47:22,665
I don't know if you're --
you're in a...

779
00:47:22,665 --> 00:47:25,712
...and you're like,
"I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

780
00:47:25,712 --> 00:47:27,583
Not making me feel
any better, buddy.

781
00:47:27,583 --> 00:47:29,585
Sorry.
I shouldn't have said anything.

782
00:47:29,585 --> 00:47:31,326
Anyway, I got a shrink,

783
00:47:31,326 --> 00:47:33,851
my shit's together,
I hate my life.

784
00:47:33,851 --> 00:47:35,548
Why do you hate
your life?

785
00:47:37,158 --> 00:47:38,464
Why do I hate my life?

786
00:47:38,464 --> 00:47:41,293
Well, um...

787
00:47:41,293 --> 00:47:42,642
Look at you.

788
00:47:42,642 --> 00:47:44,600
You're what?

789
00:47:44,600 --> 00:47:46,341
A classy lady.

790
00:47:46,341 --> 00:47:48,517
No, how old are you?

791
00:47:48,517 --> 00:47:50,389
You don't ask a classy lady
her age.

792
00:47:50,389 --> 00:47:52,695
I'm 38.

793
00:47:52,695 --> 00:47:56,830
And you are living
your dream,

794
00:47:56,830 --> 00:48:00,225
and your dream
isn't exactly rocket science.

795
00:48:02,401 --> 00:48:04,403
Gee. Thanks, dude.

796
00:48:04,403 --> 00:48:06,971
I'm sorry.
I didn't -- I --Hey, I have an idea.

797
00:48:06,971 --> 00:48:09,495
Why don't you<i>
do</i>something?

798
00:48:11,584 --> 00:48:13,629
Oh, yeah. Sure.
I'll -- I'll get right to it.

799
00:48:13,629 --> 00:48:15,893
Well,
here's an opportunity.

800
00:48:15,893 --> 00:48:18,765
It's your turn.

801
00:48:18,765 --> 00:48:32,692
♪♪

802
00:48:32,692 --> 00:48:35,956
Hit me, Scaremaster.

803
00:48:35,956 --> 00:48:37,479
Why don't you do "Venus?"

804
00:48:37,479 --> 00:48:39,568
Why?
'Cause it's a classic.

805
00:48:39,568 --> 00:48:42,702
Those of us who...
don't know what it is.

806
00:48:42,702 --> 00:48:44,573
For those of us
who don't know?

807
00:48:44,573 --> 00:48:47,576
This isn't a movie, dude.
We don't need to establish shit.

808
00:48:47,576 --> 00:48:49,578
Establish with me.
I haven't read it.

809
00:48:49,578 --> 00:48:51,537
I thought you were a fan.Maybe.

810
00:48:51,537 --> 00:48:53,104
So, you haven't
read my book,

811
00:48:53,104 --> 00:48:54,757
but you know
I'm the author?

812
00:48:54,757 --> 00:48:58,370
Only because
you told me who you are.

813
00:48:58,370 --> 00:48:59,719
I -- I don't read a lot.

814
00:48:59,719 --> 00:49:01,764
Reading and writing
makes a good writer.

815
00:49:01,764 --> 00:49:04,637
It's a Stephen King quote.
Not verbatim.

816
00:49:04,637 --> 00:49:06,944
Well, I'm pretty sure
I can just write

817
00:49:06,944 --> 00:49:08,946
and watch movies
and be good at it.

818
00:49:08,946 --> 00:49:10,686
I'm pretty sure that's
the quickest way

819
00:49:10,686 --> 00:49:12,950
to become
a regurgitative hack.

820
00:49:17,476 --> 00:49:18,912
What are you writing?

821
00:49:18,912 --> 00:49:21,001
Ideas.
Good writers write down ideas.

822
00:49:21,001 --> 00:49:22,742
All your golden ideas.

823
00:49:22,742 --> 00:49:24,570
Possibly.

824
00:49:24,570 --> 00:49:25,875
"Venus." Go.

825
00:49:25,875 --> 00:49:27,138
- No.
- Come on.

826
00:49:27,138 --> 00:49:30,576
Humor me.
It's your turn.

827
00:49:30,576 --> 00:49:33,231
It's gonna take me
a minute to think of one.

828
00:49:33,231 --> 00:49:34,710
Wow, really blew your load

829
00:49:34,710 --> 00:49:36,538
with the whole boy
who cried werewolf, huh?

830
00:49:36,538 --> 00:49:37,887
Okay.

831
00:49:37,887 --> 00:49:40,542
Alright. Um...

832
00:49:43,806 --> 00:49:46,374
I used to do this thing
when I was a kid.

833
00:49:46,374 --> 00:49:51,466
I'd scare my brother by getting
real low like this and going.

834
00:49:51,466 --> 00:49:54,600
I'm a troll.

835
00:49:54,600 --> 00:49:57,429
That's actually
really good.

836
00:49:57,429 --> 00:50:01,650
I'm a creepy
little troll man.

837
00:50:01,650 --> 00:50:04,566
Oh, no. That's good.
That's scary, Fred.

838
00:50:04,566 --> 00:50:06,960
Do I freak you out?
Yeah.

839
00:50:06,960 --> 00:50:08,701
You sound a lot like Gollum

840
00:50:08,701 --> 00:50:11,965
from "Lord of the Rings,"
troll.

841
00:50:11,965 --> 00:50:14,968
What's your story, huh?

842
00:50:14,968 --> 00:50:18,493
Do you live under a bridge?

843
00:50:18,493 --> 00:50:20,713
I do.

844
00:50:20,713 --> 00:50:23,281
I do live under a bridge.

845
00:50:23,281 --> 00:50:26,414
More interesting if you lived
somewhere weird, like, uh --

846
00:50:26,414 --> 00:50:28,199
like the air ducts
of an office building --

847
00:50:28,199 --> 00:50:30,636
An Edible Arrangements
company.

848
00:50:36,120 --> 00:50:38,600
Baskets You Can Eat!
There's a troll in the wall.

849
00:50:38,600 --> 00:50:40,863
That's really good.
There's a new guy at work --

850
00:50:40,863 --> 00:50:43,736
or girl, hmm, sorry.
Uh, her name's, uh, Karen.

851
00:50:43,736 --> 00:50:45,825
It seems like a good name for,
like, an unsuspecting new hire.

852
00:50:45,825 --> 00:50:48,175
Sure.Anyway, Karen interviews
with the old boss

853
00:50:48,175 --> 00:50:50,699
who's like, "Sure, at Baskets You Can Eat,
the name sounds cute,

854
00:50:50,699 --> 00:50:52,701
and, sure, we seem like a bunch
of sweet, simple folks

855
00:50:52,701 --> 00:50:54,051
living in a small coastal

856
00:50:54,051 --> 00:50:55,530
Maine town
where nothing bad happens,

857
00:50:55,530 --> 00:50:57,054
except we've got
one small secret.

858
00:50:57,054 --> 00:50:59,056
There is a troll
living in our ceiling."

859
00:50:59,056 --> 00:51:01,014
Do not be afraid
of the troll!

860
00:51:01,014 --> 00:51:02,537
If you don't fuck
with the troll,

861
00:51:02,537 --> 00:51:04,191
the troll
don't fuck with you.

862
00:51:04,191 --> 00:51:06,019
Oh, they wouldn't
really swear, would they?

863
00:51:06,019 --> 00:51:08,282
It'd be more like,"
Oh, mind your baskets.

864
00:51:08,282 --> 00:51:10,850
Mind your baskets,
and the troll will mind his."

865
00:51:10,850 --> 00:51:12,373
I like that.
I like "mind your baskets."

866
00:51:12,373 --> 00:51:13,896
As a sort of a catchphrase.

867
00:51:13,896 --> 00:51:15,550
Just a bunch of people's
lunches start going missing.

868
00:51:15,550 --> 00:51:17,509
"Hey!

869
00:51:17,509 --> 00:51:20,207
There was a PB and J in here
that my wife made me!

870
00:51:20,207 --> 00:51:21,904
Who stole it?

871
00:51:21,904 --> 00:51:23,863
Was it that troll?"

872
00:51:23,863 --> 00:51:25,647
Everyone in the office
turns to him at the same time.

873
00:51:25,647 --> 00:51:27,649
Do it with me.

874
00:51:31,044 --> 00:51:34,482
Shh.

875
00:51:34,482 --> 00:51:36,876
Wow, that was -- that was really freaky.
Yeah.

876
00:51:36,876 --> 00:51:39,966
Later that night,
Karen's crunching the numbers

877
00:51:39,966 --> 00:51:42,534
on the arrangements
that are edible, of course.

878
00:51:42,534 --> 00:51:44,753
And suddenly,
she hears a voice.

879
00:51:44,753 --> 00:51:47,539
Hello?

880
00:51:47,539 --> 00:51:49,106
He's in the vents!

881
00:51:52,761 --> 00:51:54,328
Oh, uh, like in "Labyrinth"

882
00:51:54,328 --> 00:51:56,113
when all the trolls
skid around her room.

883
00:51:56,113 --> 00:51:58,027
Yeah, it's like you can't
really see 'em, and it's like,

884
00:51:58,027 --> 00:52:00,421
rumble, rumble, rumble.
And then, he's behind there!

885
00:52:16,568 --> 00:52:24,663
♪♪

886
00:52:24,663 --> 00:52:28,014
Hello, Karen.

887
00:52:28,014 --> 00:52:30,843
How do you know my name?

888
00:52:30,843 --> 00:52:36,675
Mm... because...
I'm a troll.

889
00:52:36,675 --> 00:52:38,938
Hey.
Happy Birthday.

890
00:52:38,938 --> 00:52:40,766
Why, thank you.

891
00:52:40,766 --> 00:52:42,333
What's your name?

892
00:52:45,162 --> 00:52:46,467
Dev...

893
00:52:46,467 --> 00:52:49,644
Devin?

894
00:52:49,644 --> 00:52:53,344
Devin the troll?

895
00:52:53,344 --> 00:52:58,479
That's an awfully modern name,
Devin... the troll.

896
00:52:58,479 --> 00:52:59,959
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

897
00:52:59,959 --> 00:53:02,701
And I've come to grant you
a birthday wish.

898
00:53:02,701 --> 00:53:04,355
<i>Anything</i>you want.

899
00:53:04,355 --> 00:53:05,965
Anything at all.

900
00:53:05,965 --> 00:53:08,315
Oh.

901
00:53:08,315 --> 00:53:12,493
I would love to say goodbye
to my dad.

902
00:53:12,493 --> 00:53:15,801
I didn't get to say goodbye
to my dad.

903
00:53:17,890 --> 00:53:19,544
Why are you laughing at me?

904
00:53:19,544 --> 00:53:22,329
Are you fucking kidding me?

905
00:53:22,329 --> 00:53:25,680
I can't grant you a wish.Why not?

906
00:53:27,769 --> 00:53:29,858
Because I'm just
a troll.

907
00:53:29,858 --> 00:53:31,382
Yeah, okay, but...

908
00:53:31,382 --> 00:53:33,427
why are you here, troll?

909
00:53:33,427 --> 00:53:35,473
I don't --

910
00:53:35,473 --> 00:53:38,476
I don't know, story-wise.

911
00:53:38,476 --> 00:53:40,521
Fred, you're really
overthinking this.

912
00:53:40,521 --> 00:53:43,437
What is it? Is it a curse?
Yeah, uh...

913
00:53:43,437 --> 00:53:45,526
Or maybe he's like a good troll.
Right?

914
00:53:45,526 --> 00:53:48,399
He was attracted to this place
because of its good vibes.

915
00:53:48,399 --> 00:53:51,445
The original owner had all
these great intentions

916
00:53:51,445 --> 00:53:53,404
of, uh, making these
arrangements...

917
00:53:53,404 --> 00:53:55,362
That are edible.Yes, that are edible.

918
00:53:55,362 --> 00:53:56,885
...to make people happy.

919
00:53:56,885 --> 00:53:58,583
And, you know,
then he passed away,

920
00:53:58,583 --> 00:54:01,281
and now the new owner
is this misogynistic pig.

921
00:54:01,281 --> 00:54:04,850
So, uh, troll got stuck here.
I don't know.

922
00:54:04,850 --> 00:54:07,026
Yeah, or it's like...

923
00:54:07,026 --> 00:54:08,810
I'm just an evil troll,

924
00:54:08,810 --> 00:54:11,726
and I've been slumbering
in the air vents,

925
00:54:11,726 --> 00:54:13,859
and I have a taste
for human flesh.

926
00:54:13,859 --> 00:54:16,035
Ah, my leg.

927
00:54:16,035 --> 00:54:19,168
Sorry.

928
00:54:19,168 --> 00:54:21,083
Say, Karen.

929
00:54:21,083 --> 00:54:24,391
Do you like
making people happy?

930
00:54:24,391 --> 00:54:26,263
Why, yes. I do.

931
00:54:26,263 --> 00:54:28,047
I love
making people happy.

932
00:54:32,051 --> 00:54:34,880
Kill your boss.

933
00:54:34,880 --> 00:54:38,057
He's been real <i>bad
around here.</i>

934
00:54:38,057 --> 00:54:40,494
Mean and creepy,

935
00:54:40,494 --> 00:54:42,279
and I want you
to stick him.

936
00:54:42,279 --> 00:54:45,934
Stick him like the little
creepy pig he is,

937
00:54:45,934 --> 00:54:48,633
and then, things will
turn around around here.

938
00:54:48,633 --> 00:54:50,722
If you don't,

939
00:54:50,722 --> 00:54:53,986
I'll kill you
and everyone you know.

940
00:54:56,771 --> 00:54:58,773
Oh, okay.

941
00:54:58,773 --> 00:55:01,689
Okay. Um.

942
00:55:01,689 --> 00:55:04,126
Tomorrow night,
he'll be working late.

943
00:55:04,126 --> 00:55:05,476
Do it then.

944
00:55:05,476 --> 00:55:10,045
I'll be right there
watching.

945
00:55:10,045 --> 00:55:11,656
Hold up, Devin.
Ah.

946
00:55:11,656 --> 00:55:16,138
Killing my boss
is a big F'ing deal.

947
00:55:16,138 --> 00:55:19,098
What do I get in return?

948
00:55:19,098 --> 00:55:20,752
Uh.

949
00:55:20,752 --> 00:55:24,495
I don't... know,
story-wiiise.

950
00:55:24,495 --> 00:55:26,366
Okay, maybe she kills
her boss

951
00:55:26,366 --> 00:55:28,455
and then she has to kiss
the troll

952
00:55:28,455 --> 00:55:30,414
and she gets like, uh,

953
00:55:30,414 --> 00:55:33,634
300 years of life.

954
00:55:33,634 --> 00:55:35,201
Oh, yeah.
That's good.

955
00:55:35,201 --> 00:55:36,811
Yeah. Y--

956
00:55:36,811 --> 00:55:39,640
Kill your boss
and then kiss me,

957
00:55:39,640 --> 00:55:41,947
and you'll live
for 300 years.

958
00:55:41,947 --> 00:55:44,341
Oh, you're too ugly
to kiss.

959
00:55:44,341 --> 00:55:45,777
You literally just told me
to say that.

960
00:55:45,777 --> 00:55:48,519
Well, you make a very good
point, Devin the troll.

961
00:55:48,519 --> 00:55:50,999
Okay. Kill my boss,

962
00:55:50,999 --> 00:55:53,567
live to see my
granddaughter's granddaughters,

963
00:55:53,567 --> 00:55:55,177
and kiss a troll.

964
00:55:55,177 --> 00:55:56,918
Wow, a lot of rules,
but yeah, okay.

965
00:55:56,918 --> 00:55:59,094
I'm in. Deal.

966
00:55:59,094 --> 00:56:00,748
So, Karen goes about
her business,

967
00:56:00,748 --> 00:56:04,273
you know, selling baskets
that are edible or whatever,

968
00:56:04,273 --> 00:56:07,494
and the day comes where
she's working late

969
00:56:07,494 --> 00:56:09,366
and she has to kill

970
00:56:09,366 --> 00:56:13,021
her seemingly harmless boss.

971
00:56:13,021 --> 00:56:15,850
And her heart is pounding.

972
00:56:15,850 --> 00:56:20,551
And she ducks
into his office.

973
00:56:20,551 --> 00:56:22,161
But he's not there.

974
00:56:24,163 --> 00:56:25,904
Oh, hey.

975
00:56:25,904 --> 00:56:29,560
You lookin' for somethin'?

976
00:56:29,560 --> 00:56:31,300
Oh. I, um...

977
00:56:31,300 --> 00:56:34,086
I was just -- I was looking
for someone.

978
00:56:34,086 --> 00:56:36,915
I was actually looking
for you.

979
00:56:38,917 --> 00:56:43,008
Oh, were ya?

980
00:56:43,008 --> 00:56:45,750
And just like that,

981
00:56:45,750 --> 00:56:48,709
all her doubts go flying
out the window

982
00:56:48,709 --> 00:56:50,407
'cause sure her enough,

983
00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:53,801
her creepy-fucking boss
moves on her

984
00:56:53,801 --> 00:56:56,064
like the pervert he is.

985
00:56:57,588 --> 00:56:59,546
Oh.

986
00:56:59,546 --> 00:57:02,767
His hand moves all around
her body, up her neck,

987
00:57:02,767 --> 00:57:07,641
in her mouth ...
in her...

988
00:57:07,641 --> 00:57:11,340
lips, cheek.

989
00:57:11,340 --> 00:57:13,168
Oh.

990
00:57:13,168 --> 00:57:17,825
He rubs his
little, tiny disgusting erection

991
00:57:17,825 --> 00:57:21,176
against his K-Mart khakis.

992
00:57:21,176 --> 00:57:26,138
His breath sounds smells like
a PB and J sour melt sammie.

993
00:57:26,138 --> 00:57:29,315
Ew.
Yeah, no shit, ew.

994
00:57:29,315 --> 00:57:31,056
We're trying to empathize
with her, you know.

995
00:57:31,056 --> 00:57:33,580
Make -- Make us really want
to kill this motherfucker.

996
00:57:33,580 --> 00:57:37,976
So Karen
is pressed against the wall,

997
00:57:37,976 --> 00:57:40,326
surrounded by
edible arrangements.

998
00:57:40,326 --> 00:57:42,415
You know, which is ironic,
because they're just supposed

999
00:57:42,415 --> 00:57:44,243
to make people feel better.

1000
00:57:45,766 --> 00:57:50,162
How am I gonna kill this guy?

1001
00:57:50,162 --> 00:57:52,643
And then she sees them.

1002
00:57:52,643 --> 00:57:54,209
Scissors.

1003
00:57:56,473 --> 00:57:59,606
He's got her by
the shoulders now,

1004
00:57:59,606 --> 00:58:02,827
and he's complimenting her
on how great she smells,

1005
00:58:02,827 --> 00:58:05,394
which is ironic,
because he smells like a --

1006
00:58:05,394 --> 00:58:06,961
Dirty diaper.
Yeah.

1007
00:58:06,961 --> 00:58:11,009
Like a dirty diaper
filled with sour cream.

1008
00:58:11,009 --> 00:58:14,534
Oh, God.
Well, point is he's disgusting,

1009
00:58:14,534 --> 00:58:16,797
and Karen's got the scissors
by her side now.

1010
00:58:16,797 --> 00:58:19,234
They're hidden.
And she's like...

1011
00:58:19,234 --> 00:58:22,063
Oh, gosh.
I've never killed someone.

1012
00:58:22,063 --> 00:58:26,111
"Does living for 300 years
really mean that much to me?"

1013
00:58:26,111 --> 00:58:28,809
But then she feels those two beady yellow eyes

1014
00:58:28,809 --> 00:58:31,116
staring at her
from the air ducts.

1015
00:58:31,116 --> 00:58:37,470
♪♪

1016
00:58:37,470 --> 00:58:40,081
Is that the dishwasher?

1017
00:58:40,081 --> 00:58:42,127
I thought the power
was out.

1018
00:58:42,127 --> 00:58:44,825
- Stay in it.
- Yeah.

1019
00:58:44,825 --> 00:58:47,349
Come on.
Don't be a coward.

1020
00:58:47,349 --> 00:58:49,743
Wow, you must
really want that kiss, huh?

1021
00:58:49,743 --> 00:58:53,181
Anyway, her boss says something condescending to her.
Something like,

1022
00:58:53,181 --> 00:58:56,533
Oh, you're such a good girl."

1023
00:58:56,533 --> 00:58:58,926
Yeah, or like,
"You got a lot to learn,

1024
00:58:58,926 --> 00:59:01,189
and I'm
a really good teacher."

1025
00:59:01,189 --> 00:59:03,452
No, you know,
something more, uh, subtle.

1026
00:59:03,452 --> 00:59:05,150
That's too on the nose,
subtle and creepy.

1027
00:59:05,150 --> 00:59:08,283
Something like,
"Oh, you bore me."

1028
00:59:08,283 --> 00:59:10,111
But, you know,
he's fully erect.

1029
00:59:10,111 --> 00:59:12,026
And the troll's pissed now.
He's like,

1030
00:59:12,026 --> 00:59:15,160
"Do it!
Do it or I'll do it my-fucking-self!

1031
00:59:15,160 --> 00:59:16,857
Karen stabs!

1032
00:59:21,470 --> 00:59:23,603
Uh-oh.

1033
00:59:25,736 --> 00:59:27,302
Oh, yeah.
It's like, um,

1034
00:59:27,302 --> 00:59:29,000
his mousy secretary
has come back into the room.

1035
00:59:29,000 --> 00:59:30,915
She's forgotten something.Yeah.

1036
00:59:30,915 --> 00:59:34,832
Karen?

1037
00:59:34,832 --> 00:59:36,964
Barbara.

1038
00:59:36,964 --> 00:59:38,662
It's not what it looks like.

1039
00:59:38,662 --> 00:59:41,708
And that's when the troll's
like, "Kill her, quick!

1040
00:59:41,708 --> 00:59:44,232
No witnesses!"

1041
01:00:00,422 --> 01:00:04,339
I'm gonna eat you alive!

1042
01:00:04,339 --> 01:00:06,777
Ow! Ow! God.

1043
01:00:06,777 --> 01:00:09,344
It's not that it's not painful
to sit like that.

1044
01:00:09,344 --> 01:00:11,520
It's just...

1045
01:00:11,520 --> 01:00:13,871
Oh, Lord.

1046
01:00:13,871 --> 01:00:15,220
Yeah.

1047
01:00:15,220 --> 01:00:16,569
Oh, um...

1048
01:00:16,569 --> 01:00:19,790
The deed done,
the troll, um...

1049
01:00:19,790 --> 01:00:21,792
Oh, yeah.
Uh, you know, uh.

1050
01:00:21,792 --> 01:00:24,185
Yeah, he's like --
He's like... He comes at the woman.

1051
01:00:24,185 --> 01:00:26,797
He's like, "Good teamwork.

1052
01:00:26,797 --> 01:00:29,974
You killed your boss."Yeah, I mean,
I-I think it'd be a little more

1053
01:00:29,974 --> 01:00:32,846
official than that, yeah, right, like,
um... It'd be more, yeah. It'd be more, like a...

1054
01:00:32,846 --> 01:00:35,066
A-A-A murderess' streak

1055
01:00:35,066 --> 01:00:37,938
I'll dredge
of you yet, my lady.

1056
01:00:37,938 --> 01:00:39,810
Now, how about that kiss.

1057
01:00:39,810 --> 01:00:41,681
He's kind of
a pirate in my version.

1058
01:00:41,681 --> 01:00:42,943
That's okay.
Yeah.

1059
01:00:42,943 --> 01:00:44,205
Yeah, and then he --

1060
01:00:44,205 --> 01:00:47,469
and the t--
the troll leans in.

1061
01:00:47,469 --> 01:00:50,037
Oh, uh, yeah.
So does -- So does the lady.

1062
01:00:50,037 --> 01:00:53,737
And to think,
300 years of life...

1063
01:00:53,737 --> 01:00:56,609
Ain't so bad.
It's not so bad.

1064
01:00:56,609 --> 01:00:59,220
Not so bad

1065
01:00:59,220 --> 01:01:01,788
Excuse me.

1066
01:01:03,877 --> 01:01:05,618
Sorry.
I'm Carlo!

1067
01:01:05,618 --> 01:01:07,098
What the fuck is a Carlo?!

1068
01:01:07,098 --> 01:01:08,839
Pizza.
I'm a pizza guy.

1069
01:01:08,839 --> 01:01:10,667
I'm a pizza -- pizza guy.Oh.

1070
01:01:10,667 --> 01:01:13,234
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you guys.

1071
01:01:13,234 --> 01:01:15,106
Yeah, it's fine.
Uh-huh.

1072
01:01:15,106 --> 01:01:16,890
Yeah, well, you definitely
didn't scare us.

1073
01:01:16,890 --> 01:01:18,892
I mean, excuse me, I definitely
did because you definitely

1074
01:01:18,892 --> 01:01:21,199
screamed really loudly, but...

1075
01:01:21,199 --> 01:01:22,940
Half-cheese and half-veggie,
right? Oh, right.

1076
01:01:22,940 --> 01:01:24,898
Oh, yeah, um, yeah.Thank you so much.

1077
01:01:24,898 --> 01:01:28,902
Fred's paying, right? Oh, the -- Yeah, I sure...

1078
01:01:28,902 --> 01:01:30,643
Thanks, dude. Wow.

1079
01:01:30,643 --> 01:01:32,863
Great tip, man.
Appreciate it.

1080
01:01:32,863 --> 01:01:35,126
Alright, well, you guys have
a great evening, okay, uh...

1081
01:01:35,126 --> 01:01:36,954
I'm glad to see you guys aren't
killing each other out here

1082
01:01:36,954 --> 01:01:39,347
'cause it would be the perfect
night to do it, you know?

1083
01:01:39,347 --> 01:01:40,958
It's like, "Wait, what are you
doing out here?"

1084
01:01:40,958 --> 01:01:42,916
"Nah, I'm -- I'm just..."

1085
01:01:42,916 --> 01:01:45,049
He didn't even see that coming.

1086
01:01:45,049 --> 01:01:47,965
You know,
then just put him in a conveniently located car, right?

1087
01:01:47,965 --> 01:01:50,619
And then someone else saw me.
"Oh no!"

1088
01:01:50,619 --> 01:01:56,887
"Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh."

1089
01:01:56,887 --> 01:01:58,715
And he's dead, right?

1090
01:01:58,715 --> 01:02:00,368
Put him in the trunk.

1091
01:02:00,368 --> 01:02:03,110
Wow, that was really creepy.
Sorry about that, guys.

1092
01:02:03,110 --> 01:02:05,025
Whoo, anyway.

1093
01:02:05,025 --> 01:02:07,027
Good night.Night.

1094
01:02:07,027 --> 01:02:09,508
Wait, wait, wait! Ah.

1095
01:02:09,508 --> 01:02:11,118
Ahh, plates, right?

1096
01:02:11,118 --> 01:02:12,380
For pizza?

1097
01:02:12,380 --> 01:02:14,382
You need plates.
Right.

1098
01:02:14,382 --> 01:02:15,862
Oh, uh, no.

1099
01:02:15,862 --> 01:02:18,691
Y-You seem like a fella
who might be interested

1100
01:02:18,691 --> 01:02:20,954
in some scary stories.

1101
01:02:25,263 --> 01:02:27,395
And you seem correct.

1102
01:02:53,117 --> 01:02:55,859
It's almost like you'd think
I'd be tired of pizza, right?

1103
01:02:55,859 --> 01:02:57,861
But like, no.
I love our pizza.

1104
01:02:57,861 --> 01:02:59,906
It's like the best in town.
You know?

1105
01:02:59,906 --> 01:03:03,518
It's like, in the area
probably, to be honest.

1106
01:03:03,518 --> 01:03:06,086
Right on, man.
So, um, Fred and I --

1107
01:03:06,086 --> 01:03:08,262
my friend over here --
we have been, uh,

1108
01:03:08,262 --> 01:03:11,091
riding out the storm by telling
each other scary stories.

1109
01:03:11,091 --> 01:03:13,920
Oh, that sounds cool.
So, like, you guys, like, are --

1110
01:03:13,920 --> 01:03:16,270
like, Boy Scout leaders
or something like that?

1111
01:03:16,270 --> 01:03:17,619
No, um...

1112
01:03:17,619 --> 01:03:19,317
I'm a --
Well, we're writers.

1113
01:03:19,317 --> 01:03:21,275
I'm not a...
Well, Fanny's a writer.

1114
01:03:21,275 --> 01:03:23,625
Fanny's famous.
Fannie's a famous writer.

1115
01:03:23,625 --> 01:03:26,454
I'm not famous.

1116
01:03:26,454 --> 01:03:28,326
Ouch.

1117
01:03:28,326 --> 01:03:31,329
Emancipated much?
Wait, what's it --

1118
01:03:31,329 --> 01:03:33,244
It's not emancipated.
It's not that.

1119
01:03:33,244 --> 01:03:34,506
Immaculate.

1120
01:03:34,506 --> 01:03:35,855
No, it's the opposite
of that.

1121
01:03:35,855 --> 01:03:38,031
It's just like that
but bad.

1122
01:03:38,031 --> 01:03:40,164
Ooh, emasculated!
That's it.

1123
01:03:40,164 --> 01:03:42,122
You are emasculated!

1124
01:03:42,122 --> 01:03:45,734
Look at you!
You're a emasculated man!

1125
01:03:48,346 --> 01:03:50,652
I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding, man.

1126
01:03:50,652 --> 01:03:52,829
Come on.
Chin up, man, ah.

1127
01:03:52,829 --> 01:03:54,743
Have you heard of "Venus?"

1128
01:03:54,743 --> 01:03:56,136
Oh, come on.
Let's not.

1129
01:03:56,136 --> 01:03:59,444
Oh, the book?
Of course.

1130
01:03:59,444 --> 01:04:01,750
That's her.

1131
01:04:01,750 --> 01:04:03,752
Wait.
You wrote "Venus?"

1132
01:04:03,752 --> 01:04:05,842
Sure did.
I'm sorry.

1133
01:04:05,842 --> 01:04:08,366
You wrote "Venus?"
Mm-hmm.

1134
01:04:08,366 --> 01:04:10,455
<i>You.
Youdid that.</i>

1135
01:04:10,455 --> 01:04:13,110
The person right here
opened a laptop,

1136
01:04:13,110 --> 01:04:14,502
just, I don't know --
just casually wrote

1137
01:04:14,502 --> 01:04:16,374
the best horror book
of all time.

1138
01:04:16,374 --> 01:04:18,071
That's you?
Oh.

1139
01:04:18,071 --> 01:04:21,335
It's not the best horror book
of all time.

1140
01:04:21,335 --> 01:04:24,599
I mean, I know Amazon said that
and like a couple blogs

1141
01:04:24,599 --> 01:04:26,514
and the <i>New York Times
and The Guardian</i>

1142
01:04:26,514 --> 01:04:28,342
and <i>Wall Street Journal.</i>

1143
01:04:28,342 --> 01:04:29,778
Oh, and <i>Vulture.</i>

1144
01:04:29,778 --> 01:04:31,955
It's a <i>New York
magazine one.</i>

1145
01:04:31,955 --> 01:04:33,434
But not everybody.

1146
01:04:33,434 --> 01:04:34,914
- That is dope!
- Yeah.

1147
01:04:34,914 --> 01:04:36,698
And you're in for a treat,
Carlo,

1148
01:04:36,698 --> 01:04:38,700
because it's Fanny's
turn to tell a story,

1149
01:04:38,700 --> 01:04:41,660
so congratulations, buckle up,
and you're welcome.

1150
01:04:41,660 --> 01:04:44,097
She's really good at it.

1151
01:04:44,097 --> 01:04:46,839
Actually, I think, uh,
since Carlo is our guest,

1152
01:04:46,839 --> 01:04:49,407
he should be the one
to decide who tells a story

1153
01:04:49,407 --> 01:04:51,017
<i>and</i>what it's about,

1154
01:04:51,017 --> 01:04:52,497
right, sweetie pie?

1155
01:04:52,497 --> 01:04:53,802
Wait -- Oh, yeah, yeah.

1156
01:04:53,802 --> 01:04:55,761
Oh, dope, dope,
dope, dope, dope.

1157
01:04:58,198 --> 01:05:01,680
Do one about dead babies.

1158
01:05:01,680 --> 01:05:03,900
Right?
Like an a army of them.

1159
01:05:03,900 --> 01:05:05,771
Ya know, they've got, like,
little baby hands.

1160
01:05:05,771 --> 01:05:07,947
They just like, "We don't
want bottles, we want blood."

1161
01:05:07,947 --> 01:05:10,254
You know?
Like, it can be like a musical.

1162
01:05:10,254 --> 01:05:11,951
It's like
a terrifying musical.

1163
01:05:11,951 --> 01:05:16,086
♪ We're dead babies
with really bad scabies ♪

1164
01:05:16,086 --> 01:05:19,219
Terrible.

1165
01:05:19,219 --> 01:05:20,873
Baby scabies.

1166
01:05:20,873 --> 01:05:22,919
Real bad. Ha.

1167
01:05:27,314 --> 01:05:29,142
Or...

1168
01:05:29,142 --> 01:05:31,362
we could do one about a, uh --

1169
01:05:31,362 --> 01:05:34,365
like a... t-teenager

1170
01:05:34,365 --> 01:05:37,324
who's in school,
and he gets like a s--

1171
01:05:37,324 --> 01:05:39,326
he gets sick.
He gets an illness or something,

1172
01:05:39,326 --> 01:05:40,762
and he's like --
his skin's falling off,

1173
01:05:40,762 --> 01:05:42,503
so it's kind of like
he becomes like a ghoul.

1174
01:05:42,503 --> 01:05:45,115
Ah!
Too Ghoul For School!

1175
01:05:45,115 --> 01:05:47,552
That is very clever! Thank you.

1176
01:05:47,552 --> 01:05:49,293
No, for real.
That is very clever.

1177
01:05:49,293 --> 01:05:51,164
Nice wordplay.
I'm writing it down.

1178
01:05:51,164 --> 01:05:53,123
She's writing it down.You can't write that down.

1179
01:05:53,123 --> 01:05:56,343
Why not? Because it's not your idea.

1180
01:05:56,343 --> 01:05:59,259
It's not an idea. It's a title.
I'm writing a title.

1181
01:05:59,259 --> 01:06:01,087
Yeah, I thought about it,
and I don't even care.

1182
01:06:01,087 --> 01:06:03,872
Will you stay out of this,
please? Okay. Ouch.

1183
01:06:03,872 --> 01:06:05,787
I mean, ouch for real.

1184
01:06:05,787 --> 01:06:08,399
Okay, boys.
Just settle down.

1185
01:06:08,399 --> 01:06:10,967
Now who wants to do
some cocaine?

1186
01:06:32,075 --> 01:06:34,120
Sorry, I don't have a lot.

1187
01:06:34,120 --> 01:06:35,992
Wow.

1188
01:06:35,992 --> 01:06:38,646
A writing retreat
without enough drugs.

1189
01:06:38,646 --> 01:06:40,518
How do you do it?

1190
01:06:40,518 --> 01:06:43,042
I don't see you contributing
anything.

1191
01:06:43,042 --> 01:06:44,739
You're drinking my booze,
aren't you?

1192
01:06:47,742 --> 01:06:49,309
Anyway.

1193
01:06:49,309 --> 01:06:52,138
I don't do drugs.

1194
01:06:52,138 --> 01:06:54,488
You've never done coke?!Dude.

1195
01:06:54,488 --> 01:06:56,186
Dude!
You've never done coke?

1196
01:06:56,186 --> 01:06:57,883
You puss-say!
Pussy!

1197
01:06:57,883 --> 01:07:00,016
I'm not a pussy.
I've just never done coke.

1198
01:07:00,016 --> 01:07:01,626
Okay?

1199
01:07:01,626 --> 01:07:04,063
You wouldn't want to see me
on coke if I did it.

1200
01:07:11,592 --> 01:07:14,334
Oh, okay.

1201
01:07:14,334 --> 01:07:16,249
Let me do one more.

1202
01:07:16,249 --> 01:07:18,382
Oh!

1203
01:07:18,382 --> 01:07:20,210
Birthdays!
Yeah.

1204
01:07:20,210 --> 01:07:21,776
Slow down, Lohan.

1205
01:07:21,776 --> 01:07:23,822
Man, I haven't done that shit
since college.

1206
01:07:23,822 --> 01:07:25,215
Where did you go to college?

1207
01:07:25,215 --> 01:07:27,304
Oxford.Hmm. Got ya.

1208
01:07:27,304 --> 01:07:29,654
Alright, guys.
Let's do some scares!

1209
01:07:29,654 --> 01:07:32,048
Scares!
Fanny, fanny, bo-banny.

1210
01:07:32,048 --> 01:07:35,573
I can't wait! Why don't you do "Venus."

1211
01:07:35,573 --> 01:07:37,531
Fred, this is an evening
of original work.

1212
01:07:37,531 --> 01:07:39,664
Fanny, one of your
biggest fans is present.

1213
01:07:39,664 --> 01:07:41,709
He would love --
Carlo, wouldn't you?

1214
01:07:41,709 --> 01:07:44,495
Carlo would love to hear you
perform your life's work.

1215
01:07:44,495 --> 01:07:46,366
Ow, my nose.Ahhh...

1216
01:07:46,366 --> 01:07:48,281
that is not my words,
but, uh, uh, uh,

1217
01:07:48,281 --> 01:07:50,327
not wrong, either.

1218
01:07:50,327 --> 01:07:52,111
Enlighten us.
Enlighten me.

1219
01:07:52,111 --> 01:07:54,679
I mean, I haven't read it,
but I bought dinner, didn't I?

1220
01:07:54,679 --> 01:07:57,464
Oh, you buy me dinner,
you expect a story?

1221
01:07:57,464 --> 01:07:59,162
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.

1222
01:08:08,954 --> 01:08:11,826
"Venus."
By Fanny Addie, whoo!

1223
01:08:11,826 --> 01:08:13,567
Whoa, oh, ah, sorry, hey.

1224
01:08:13,567 --> 01:08:15,700
Kicked this bear. Does anybody own it?
It's not your house.

1225
01:08:15,700 --> 01:08:18,355
"Venus" is the story of a young
mother and her little boy,

1226
01:08:18,355 --> 01:08:20,922
and they're going on vacation
in the Catskills.

1227
01:08:26,624 --> 01:08:28,234
And that's when we hear
something in the room!

1228
01:08:28,234 --> 01:08:30,628
- Ah!
- It's a dare!

1229
01:08:30,628 --> 01:08:34,240
And that part scared
the living shit outta me.

1230
01:08:34,240 --> 01:08:35,937
Ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba!

1231
01:08:37,896 --> 01:08:39,289
Taxidermy.

1232
01:08:39,289 --> 01:08:42,074
There's this big
stuffed moose on the wall.

1233
01:08:43,597 --> 01:08:46,774
- Hey, Fred!
- Fred! Stay in it, Fred!

1234
01:08:46,774 --> 01:08:50,343
Jason's watching
scary movies!

1235
01:08:55,131 --> 01:08:57,568
It's the dead bus driver!

1236
01:09:01,702 --> 01:09:04,444
Gets blood all over
her face, god damn it!

1237
01:09:04,444 --> 01:09:06,054
She's infected!

1238
01:09:06,054 --> 01:09:08,622
What?
.22!

1239
01:09:08,622 --> 01:09:12,452
Bang, bang, bang, bang, ka-blam!

1240
01:09:12,452 --> 01:09:13,975
Cuckaw! Bam!

1241
01:09:13,975 --> 01:09:16,761
He blows everybody's brains out! Anyway!

1242
01:09:16,761 --> 01:09:18,763
I do this really
amazing job of setting up

1243
01:09:18,763 --> 01:09:21,287
this really honest...

1244
01:09:21,287 --> 01:09:24,551
Hello, miss.
Can I use your bathroom?

1245
01:09:24,551 --> 01:09:26,336
She lets him in.
He's handsome.

1246
01:09:26,336 --> 01:09:28,251
But he doesn't use
the bathroom.

1247
01:09:28,251 --> 01:09:30,905
Are you one of them?
Huh? Mom thinks fast.

1248
01:09:30,905 --> 01:09:32,559
She grabs a cleaver,
but he's faster.

1249
01:09:36,041 --> 01:09:39,305
Then something
really weird happened.

1250
01:09:39,305 --> 01:09:41,655
Run Jason!

1251
01:09:41,655 --> 01:09:43,657
Ruuun!

1252
01:09:43,657 --> 01:09:46,617
Then all the sudden,
the mom appears -- changed!

1253
01:09:49,446 --> 01:09:53,014
He tries to get away,
but he can't run.

1254
01:09:53,014 --> 01:09:55,843
He's like, wait,
what am I doing, oh...

1255
01:09:55,843 --> 01:09:57,236
Hi.

1256
01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:07,594
S-So mom just turns
into a zombie vampire?

1257
01:10:07,594 --> 01:10:10,423
Well, that -- We don't call them
that explicitly.Never explained.

1258
01:10:10,423 --> 01:10:11,859
Never explained.

1259
01:10:11,859 --> 01:10:14,340
But that's what I love about it.
Ohh.

1260
01:10:14,340 --> 01:10:17,648
I mean, look, we left out
a lot of details,

1261
01:10:17,648 --> 01:10:20,955
but the truth is, like, "Venus"
is not just about,

1262
01:10:20,955 --> 01:10:23,044
like, a zombie-like outbreak
that only affects women.

1263
01:10:23,044 --> 01:10:26,613
It's really about gender politics.
Mm-hmm.

1264
01:10:26,613 --> 01:10:28,746
Huh.

1265
01:10:28,746 --> 01:10:30,922
I don't see it.D-- You don't s--

1266
01:10:30,922 --> 01:10:32,750
You don't see it.
Um.

1267
01:10:32,750 --> 01:10:35,231
It's about how men
cling to their mothers.

1268
01:10:35,231 --> 01:10:38,886
These, uh, invincible,
infallible humans

1269
01:10:38,886 --> 01:10:41,933
who can do no wrong.

1270
01:10:41,933 --> 01:10:45,545
Yeah. I don't know.
My mom was kind of a...

1271
01:10:45,545 --> 01:10:47,373
Kind of a bitch.

1272
01:10:48,809 --> 01:10:50,768
Wow.

1273
01:10:50,768 --> 01:10:52,204
Okay.
Wow, wow, wow.

1274
01:10:52,204 --> 01:10:54,728
Um, well, on that note... Yeah.

1275
01:10:54,728 --> 01:10:56,861
You know, I'd just like to take
second to acknowledge,

1276
01:10:56,861 --> 01:10:59,733
to laud,
to fucking celebrate

1277
01:10:59,733 --> 01:11:01,518
this man right here.

1278
01:11:01,518 --> 01:11:05,478
This creative,
beautifully-nuanced

1279
01:11:05,478 --> 01:11:07,567
partner in scares,

1280
01:11:07,567 --> 01:11:09,221
Mr. -- Uh,

1281
01:11:09,221 --> 01:11:10,788
what's your last name, sweetie? Oh.

1282
01:11:10,788 --> 01:11:12,703
Oh, I -- I don't tell anybody that.
Oh, yeah.

1283
01:11:12,703 --> 01:11:16,097
Mr. Carlo,
the enigmatic Carlo.

1284
01:11:16,097 --> 01:11:17,969
Thank you.
Thank you very much.

1285
01:11:17,969 --> 01:11:20,232
I, uh, I don't have a speech
prepared, so I won't say one.

1286
01:11:22,234 --> 01:11:23,757
Mmm.

1287
01:11:38,903 --> 01:11:41,035
You still high? I am very high now.

1288
01:11:41,035 --> 01:11:44,387
NNNot me.

1289
01:11:44,387 --> 01:11:48,434
No. I'm still high.

1290
01:11:48,434 --> 01:11:50,523
You gonna go, Fred?

1291
01:11:50,523 --> 01:11:53,221
You want me to leave?

1292
01:11:53,221 --> 01:11:56,442
Oh, you want me to go.
My turn. Uh...

1293
01:11:56,442 --> 01:11:59,184
How 'bout we do something
a little cheery, you know?

1294
01:11:59,184 --> 01:12:00,751
All these tales
of tortured kids.

1295
01:12:00,751 --> 01:12:03,536
Why don't we do something
with a little music?

1296
01:12:03,536 --> 01:12:07,148
You know, Fred, that is --
that is a good idea.

1297
01:12:07,148 --> 01:12:09,890
No, really, you are -- You are
truly onto something.

1298
01:12:09,890 --> 01:12:12,197
A story about a singer.

1299
01:12:12,197 --> 01:12:14,808
What else?

1300
01:12:14,808 --> 01:12:18,638
A singer that is, uh, also
like a teen slasher?

1301
01:12:18,638 --> 01:12:21,424
Teen slasher singer. Oh.

1302
01:12:21,424 --> 01:12:24,992
A singer...
possessed by the devil.

1303
01:12:27,604 --> 01:12:30,389
Oh, fucking --
You know what, Fred?

1304
01:12:30,389 --> 01:12:32,348
You're on a fucking roll.
Really.

1305
01:12:32,348 --> 01:12:34,350
True -- True genius coming out.
Ohh...

1306
01:12:34,350 --> 01:12:37,701
So we got, uh -- we got singer,
we got band, we got the devil.

1307
01:12:37,701 --> 01:12:40,965
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Oh, this sounds
so fucking epic already.

1308
01:12:40,965 --> 01:12:43,402
She's just a small town girl.

1309
01:12:43,402 --> 01:12:45,230
She's living in a crazy world.

1310
01:12:45,230 --> 01:12:47,014
She's always wanted to do more.

1311
01:12:47,014 --> 01:12:49,234
She'd do anything to sing
on national TV!

1312
01:12:49,234 --> 01:12:51,715
Maybe like
"A Star is Born," but Satan!

1313
01:12:53,412 --> 01:12:54,674
And she's got, like,
a good song.

1314
01:12:54,674 --> 01:12:56,067
It's a really
good song, though.

1315
01:12:56,067 --> 01:12:57,764
It's a big show.
It's a big show.

1316
01:12:57,764 --> 01:12:59,592
It's a big show,
and millions of people watch it.

1317
01:12:59,592 --> 01:13:01,681
She's gonna be
on "American Idol!"

1318
01:13:01,681 --> 01:13:04,858
Yas, queen! Yaaas!

1319
01:13:04,858 --> 01:13:06,425
Yeah.
Stakes!

1320
01:13:06,425 --> 01:13:08,775
Stakes! Stakes!
Give me all the stakes!

1321
01:13:08,775 --> 01:13:10,690
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1322
01:13:10,690 --> 01:13:14,955
I would sell my
soul to be on "American Idol."

1323
01:13:14,955 --> 01:13:18,437
Or another show that doesn't give us copyright issues.

1324
01:13:18,437 --> 01:13:20,570
Anyway, so for our purposes

1325
01:13:20,570 --> 01:13:22,398
in our little story,
we're gonna call it.

1326
01:13:22,398 --> 01:13:25,052
The Big Talent Show Live!

1327
01:13:25,052 --> 01:13:27,228
The Big Talent Show Live.

1328
01:13:27,228 --> 01:13:28,926
The Big Talent Show...

1329
01:13:28,926 --> 01:13:30,667
The Big Talent Show Live.

1330
01:13:30,667 --> 01:13:33,017
The Big Talent Show Live.

1331
01:13:35,672 --> 01:13:40,024
Leading up to the performance,
our lead singer, mm, Beth.

1332
01:13:40,024 --> 01:13:43,375
Let's call her Beth.
Beth starts to have...

1333
01:13:43,375 --> 01:13:48,162
a little bit of a reaction...

1334
01:13:48,162 --> 01:13:51,905
to her possession!

1335
01:13:54,560 --> 01:13:58,651
Her voice... starts
to... get hoarse

1336
01:13:58,651 --> 01:14:01,001
and all over the place...
and her skin

1337
01:14:01,001 --> 01:14:04,701
starts to peel,
and her band's like,

1338
01:14:04,701 --> 01:14:06,703
"Hey, um, Beth,
are you okaaay?"

1339
01:14:06,703 --> 01:14:09,401
Yeah,
you don't look so good.

1340
01:14:09,401 --> 01:14:12,796
I'm fine.
I'm fine!

1341
01:14:12,796 --> 01:14:16,495
We're gonna kill it tonight.
Which is really

1342
01:14:16,495 --> 01:14:19,629
funny, you know, 'cause the song
is so sweet, right?

1343
01:14:19,629 --> 01:14:22,980
It's like ♪ feel music,
feel the light ♪

1344
01:14:22,980 --> 01:14:25,286
and Beth's just...

1345
01:14:26,113 --> 01:14:28,812
We're go, guys.

1346
01:14:28,812 --> 01:14:30,596
BRB!

1347
01:14:30,596 --> 01:14:32,380
Yo, can I talk to you
for a second? Yeah, dude.

1348
01:14:32,380 --> 01:14:34,426
I am worried about Beth.I'm worried about Beth, too,

1349
01:14:34,426 --> 01:14:36,820
just the same,
but maybe more.This is our one shot.

1350
01:14:36,820 --> 01:14:38,691
Yeah, one shot is all it takes.
It's all I have.

1351
01:14:38,691 --> 01:14:40,737
We're gonna be
on national television.Everybody I know is here

1352
01:14:40,737 --> 01:14:42,216
and everybody I don't know.

1353
01:14:42,216 --> 01:14:43,827
She's gonna be
on the Big Talent Show Live.

1354
01:14:58,494 --> 01:15:01,714
Something doesn't feel right.

1355
01:15:01,714 --> 01:15:06,676
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

1356
01:15:06,676 --> 01:15:09,417
Feeling a little...

1357
01:15:09,417 --> 01:15:11,898
under the weather?

1358
01:15:14,335 --> 01:15:18,862
I -- I sold you my soul

1359
01:15:18,862 --> 01:15:21,125
for this.

1360
01:15:21,125 --> 01:15:22,735
Please...

1361
01:15:28,480 --> 01:15:34,051
Five minutes
to this program.

1362
01:15:34,051 --> 01:15:35,922
<i>Welcome to the nationally
televised event.</i>

1363
01:15:35,922 --> 01:15:37,576
<i>Millions of people
are watching.</i>

1364
01:15:37,576 --> 01:15:40,536
<i>I hope nothing bad happens.</i>

1365
01:15:40,536 --> 01:15:43,843
Don't fuck this up for me,
the devil.

1366
01:15:43,843 --> 01:15:46,933
Good luuuck.

1367
01:15:48,631 --> 01:15:50,371
<i>And now without further ado,</i>

1368
01:15:50,371 --> 01:15:53,984
<i>ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome...</i>

1369
01:15:53,984 --> 01:15:56,377
<i>What are we calling her again? Beth.
We're calling her Beth.</i>

1370
01:15:56,377 --> 01:15:57,770
<i>That's right. Okay!</i>

1371
01:15:57,770 --> 01:16:01,382
Please welcome Beeeth!

1372
01:16:04,647 --> 01:16:13,612
♪♪

1373
01:16:22,186 --> 01:16:24,884
This...
is an original.

1374
01:16:32,065 --> 01:16:35,852
♪ Feel the music,
feel the light ♪

1375
01:16:35,852 --> 01:16:39,551
♪ Hold me close
and squeeze me tight ♪

1376
01:16:39,551 --> 01:16:41,684
♪ Whisper in my ear ♪

1377
01:16:41,684 --> 01:16:44,251
♪ I want to hear you say ♪

1378
01:16:44,251 --> 01:16:50,910
♪ I want to stay all night ♪

1379
01:16:50,910 --> 01:16:54,610
♪ Let this beat take you away ♪

1380
01:16:54,610 --> 01:16:57,613
♪ Let your mind and body sway ♪

1381
01:16:57,613 --> 01:17:02,269
♪ With mine in time ♪

1382
01:17:02,269 --> 01:17:08,014
♪ Until it's time to die ♪

1383
01:17:09,407 --> 01:17:12,932
♪ Yeah, it's time
to take them down ♪

1384
01:17:12,932 --> 01:17:17,284
♪ Lay their bodies
in the ground ♪

1385
01:17:17,284 --> 01:17:20,984
♪ Let's shut 'em up,
then cut 'em up ♪

1386
01:17:20,984 --> 01:17:24,552
♪ And feed them to the worms ♪

1387
01:17:24,552 --> 01:17:28,252
♪ Kill the children
and their mothers ♪

1388
01:17:28,252 --> 01:17:31,995
♪ Kill your sisters
and your brothers ♪

1389
01:17:31,995 --> 01:17:35,781
♪ And then let's kill
ourselves ♪

1390
01:17:35,781 --> 01:17:37,653
♪ That's the good word ♪

1391
01:17:37,653 --> 01:17:40,481
♪ Of the King of Hell ♪

1392
01:17:51,754 --> 01:17:53,190
♪ Ooh ♪

1393
01:17:55,583 --> 01:17:58,499
♪ Get ready ♪

1394
01:17:58,499 --> 01:18:00,197
♪ Yeah ♪

1395
01:18:00,197 --> 01:18:03,940
♪ Get ready ♪

1396
01:18:03,940 --> 01:18:07,073
♪ Kill all
the fucking children, yeah ♪

1397
01:18:08,422 --> 01:18:10,163
♪ Come on ♪

1398
01:18:12,339 --> 01:18:15,560
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

1399
01:18:28,442 --> 01:18:32,446
And then...

1400
01:18:32,446 --> 01:18:33,883
a moment of respite.

1401
01:18:33,883 --> 01:18:36,668
Oh, my God.

1402
01:18:39,236 --> 01:18:41,673
The audience just stares at her

1403
01:18:41,673 --> 01:18:45,721
slack-jawed in shock and awe.

1404
01:18:45,721 --> 01:18:48,898
Everybody's covered in vomit.

1405
01:18:48,898 --> 01:18:51,639
Even Beth's shitty boyfriend
is just covered

1406
01:18:51,639 --> 01:18:57,558
in disgusting,
vile, sour devil vomit.

1407
01:18:57,558 --> 01:19:01,301
But then the devil
speaks to hear.

1408
01:19:01,301 --> 01:19:04,435
I hope you're having fun,
but now the real show begins.

1409
01:19:06,263 --> 01:19:08,918
Then the devil rips through
her chest with his devil arm.

1410
01:19:08,918 --> 01:19:10,789
It's fucking sick
like "Alien,"

1411
01:19:10,789 --> 01:19:13,270
but it's a Satan arm,
and it starts thrashing, man.

1412
01:19:13,270 --> 01:19:15,228
It's thrashing
so fucking hard.

1413
01:19:15,228 --> 01:19:18,928
It's sick.

1414
01:19:18,928 --> 01:19:20,538
I was kind of thinking
that he gives, like,

1415
01:19:20,538 --> 01:19:22,583
a really important monologue
to the nation

1416
01:19:22,583 --> 01:19:25,717
all about how, like, our
culture's toxic and, you know,

1417
01:19:25,717 --> 01:19:27,937
we take advantage
of young talent.

1418
01:19:27,937 --> 01:19:30,548
Or. Or, or, or,
he could send his evil

1419
01:19:30,548 --> 01:19:33,290
through TVs across America
and possess the country.

1420
01:19:33,290 --> 01:19:35,422
That's been done before.They did that
in "Batman Forever."

1421
01:19:35,422 --> 01:19:38,730
Mmm, yeah, but that wasn't
the devil, though.

1422
01:19:38,730 --> 01:19:40,688
Oh, crap.

1423
01:19:40,688 --> 01:19:42,734
I gotta go.
Damn it.

1424
01:19:42,734 --> 01:19:44,562
Nooo!

1425
01:19:44,562 --> 01:19:46,782
I know.
Carlooo!

1426
01:19:46,782 --> 01:19:50,611
Ah.
Pizza Man of the Year, Carlo!

1427
01:19:50,611 --> 01:19:52,004
I-I-I don't want to leave,
Fanny,

1428
01:19:52,004 --> 01:19:54,702
but I have this Hawaiian
I should've had

1429
01:19:54,702 --> 01:19:56,966
in Wamba Jukes Falls
like two hours ago.

1430
01:19:56,966 --> 01:19:59,316
They're gonna be pissed.

1431
01:19:59,316 --> 01:20:03,668
Anyway,
guys have a great night.

1432
01:20:03,668 --> 01:20:05,713
- Jim Carey's Riddler.
- We miss you, Scarecrow.

1433
01:20:05,713 --> 01:20:07,759
Ahh...
It's the same.

1434
01:20:07,759 --> 01:20:10,762
Wasn't the devil.Yeah, but it was
the same concept, same idea.

1435
01:20:10,762 --> 01:20:13,634
'Kay.

1436
01:20:13,634 --> 01:20:15,332
You know, it's like --

1437
01:20:15,332 --> 01:20:17,682
It's like one of those nights,
you know,

1438
01:20:17,682 --> 01:20:21,468
where you leave to deliver
a pizza to a couple of strangers

1439
01:20:21,468 --> 01:20:25,516
who end up being your friends
and tell ghost stories

1440
01:20:25,516 --> 01:20:27,953
and do blow.

1441
01:20:27,953 --> 01:20:29,955
One's your favorite author,

1442
01:20:29,955 --> 01:20:32,958
and the other one is a Fred.

1443
01:20:38,007 --> 01:20:39,617
Hey, Fanny.
Nope, not going to do that.

1444
01:20:39,617 --> 01:20:40,923
Yes, I am going to do that
right now.

1445
01:20:40,923 --> 01:20:43,055
Can I have your autograph,
please?

1446
01:20:43,055 --> 01:20:46,885
Face or paper?

1447
01:20:46,885 --> 01:20:49,366
Okay, uh, if you could
just write, like,

1448
01:20:49,366 --> 01:20:51,672
"Hey, Carlo, my best friend!
We did coke together

1449
01:20:51,672 --> 01:20:53,413
and ate pizza,
told ghost stories."

1450
01:20:53,413 --> 01:20:55,633
Or whatever.
I'm not a writer.

1451
01:20:55,633 --> 01:20:59,332
Don't put yourself down.
It's exactly what I wrote.

1452
01:20:59,332 --> 01:21:02,379
Thanks, Fanny.

1453
01:21:02,379 --> 01:21:03,946
Aww.

1454
01:21:03,946 --> 01:21:06,035
Okay.
Okay.

1455
01:21:06,035 --> 01:21:08,385
Hey, it was fun.

1456
01:21:08,385 --> 01:21:09,995
Bye, Fred!

1457
01:21:14,782 --> 01:21:16,132
Where are you going?

1458
01:21:16,132 --> 01:21:18,656
Oh, I'm gonna
fill the bucket.

1459
01:21:18,656 --> 01:21:22,225
Must take a much-needed
cocaine defecache.

1460
01:21:22,225 --> 01:21:25,532
You know, plumbing's all fucked
'cause of the storm.

1461
01:21:35,499 --> 01:22:03,744
♪♪

1462
01:22:19,369 --> 01:22:24,287
Don't go in there, huh?

1463
01:22:24,287 --> 01:22:26,419
Alright, I'm tired.

1464
01:22:26,419 --> 01:22:27,986
I'm gonna head out.

1465
01:22:30,075 --> 01:22:31,598
Aw...

1466
01:22:31,598 --> 01:22:35,515
Why the long face?
'Cause it's over?

1467
01:22:35,515 --> 01:22:37,909
I just --
I feel like I had fun

1468
01:22:37,909 --> 01:22:42,609
for the first time in like
a really long time.

1469
01:22:42,609 --> 01:22:44,394
So.
Aw...

1470
01:22:44,394 --> 01:22:48,398
I just...
I needed that.

1471
01:22:48,398 --> 01:22:51,009
That's all.
So sweet.

1472
01:22:51,009 --> 01:22:53,098
Well, let's do coffee tomorrow
before you go wherever,

1473
01:22:53,098 --> 01:22:54,665
you know, you're gonna go.

1474
01:22:58,930 --> 01:23:02,412
Hey, wait.

1475
01:23:02,412 --> 01:23:04,805
I got one more.

1476
01:23:04,805 --> 01:23:07,591
Story? Oh, God.

1477
01:23:07,591 --> 01:23:09,332
Oh, God.
It's 4:00 in the morning,

1478
01:23:09,332 --> 01:23:11,160
I smell like cheese
and campfire,

1479
01:23:11,160 --> 01:23:15,120
and you are
definitely... not drunk.

1480
01:23:15,120 --> 01:23:16,687
Mnh-mnh.

1481
01:23:16,687 --> 01:23:19,211
Okay.
Gimme the log line.

1482
01:23:21,692 --> 01:23:23,737
It's a psychological
thriller.

1483
01:23:23,737 --> 01:23:27,089
Always engaging.

1484
01:23:27,089 --> 01:23:30,179
About... a killer...

1485
01:23:30,179 --> 01:23:32,833
We haven't done one about,
like, a straight-up...

1486
01:23:32,833 --> 01:23:36,011
slasher yet.

1487
01:23:36,011 --> 01:23:39,231
...and the woman who got
under his skin.

1488
01:23:39,231 --> 01:23:42,495
Ohh...
It's very Lifetime movie.

1489
01:23:44,236 --> 01:23:46,978
Yes, okay. Hit me.

1490
01:23:46,978 --> 01:23:48,501
Okay.
Little setup for you.

1491
01:23:48,501 --> 01:23:49,850
So she...

1492
01:23:49,850 --> 01:23:53,202
She's this, like,
hard-worker type.

1493
01:23:53,202 --> 01:23:54,638
She could do no wrong,

1494
01:23:54,638 --> 01:23:56,770
no matter how much
she fucked up.

1495
01:23:56,770 --> 01:23:59,121
She's one of those
lucky freaks

1496
01:23:59,121 --> 01:24:02,428
that just has it easy,
you know?

1497
01:24:02,428 --> 01:24:05,910
She does what she wants,
and it p--

1498
01:24:05,910 --> 01:24:09,696
it pisses --
pisses him off.

1499
01:24:09,696 --> 01:24:12,308
Yeah, so it's sort of like
classic story

1500
01:24:12,308 --> 01:24:16,703
of emasculated boy
by a strong female.

1501
01:24:16,703 --> 01:24:18,792
Ooh, what's the title?
Is it, uh...

1502
01:24:18,792 --> 01:24:21,056
Is it "My Life:
Story of Women Everywhere?"

1503
01:24:23,319 --> 01:24:25,364
Yeah.

1504
01:24:25,364 --> 01:24:27,671
The guy,
he's not doing so hot.

1505
01:24:27,671 --> 01:24:29,281
You know, his personal life
is not so great.

1506
01:24:29,281 --> 01:24:31,283
He -- He tries.
He's li--

1507
01:24:31,283 --> 01:24:32,589
He's the -- the type --
type of guy

1508
01:24:32,589 --> 01:24:34,373
who, like, really tries,

1509
01:24:34,373 --> 01:24:37,202
but he just doesn't have the... Talent?

1510
01:24:37,202 --> 01:24:38,769
I mean,
you try writing for a bunch

1511
01:24:38,769 --> 01:24:40,205
of chicken wing chains
and paint shops

1512
01:24:40,205 --> 01:24:41,772
and you just want
to fucking kill everybody,

1513
01:24:41,772 --> 01:24:45,210
but you can't
'cause it's illegal.

1514
01:24:45,210 --> 01:24:47,212
That's part of the story?

1515
01:24:47,212 --> 01:24:48,779
Obvs.

1516
01:24:48,779 --> 01:24:54,480
By a total chance,
he meets this a-woman.

1517
01:24:54,480 --> 01:24:58,528
Mmm.This powerful amazing woman
who's had it easy.

1518
01:24:58,528 --> 01:25:00,617
He meets this woman
who's a-a powerful woman.

1519
01:25:00,617 --> 01:25:03,359
She's a <i>powerful</i>woman,
and they actually hit it off.

1520
01:25:03,359 --> 01:25:04,925
And he meets her
and she meets him,

1521
01:25:04,925 --> 01:25:06,275
and he's actually like,
"Wow, this girl

1522
01:25:06,275 --> 01:25:10,496
makes me feel really...
good!

1523
01:25:10,496 --> 01:25:14,283
Having so much fun,
he, like, legitimately forgets

1524
01:25:14,283 --> 01:25:17,112
that he's...

1525
01:25:17,112 --> 01:25:18,765
bad.

1526
01:25:21,594 --> 01:25:24,771
He forgets...

1527
01:25:24,771 --> 01:25:27,209
He forgets he's got
a fucked-up life.

1528
01:25:27,209 --> 01:25:29,428
He forgets he cheated
on his wife.

1529
01:25:29,428 --> 01:25:33,780
He forgets he lost his temper
one or two or three many times.

1530
01:25:33,780 --> 01:25:37,044
He forgets about all the mean
letters that he wrote her.

1531
01:25:40,135 --> 01:25:42,093
Yeah, Fred.
You're losing me here.

1532
01:25:42,093 --> 01:25:44,617
I get it. I get it.
I get it. I get it.

1533
01:25:44,617 --> 01:25:47,664
You're a better storyteller
than me.

1534
01:25:47,664 --> 01:25:49,535
You're better!
You're better than me!

1535
01:25:49,535 --> 01:25:50,797
I get it!

1536
01:25:50,797 --> 01:25:52,625
You're better than me!

1537
01:25:52,625 --> 01:25:54,279
So I'm just gonna skip
to the good part.

1538
01:25:54,279 --> 01:25:56,760
I'll get to the end.
I'll get to the end.

1539
01:25:56,760 --> 01:25:59,632
They decide
to stay up all night

1540
01:25:59,632 --> 01:26:03,114
and tell each other
scary stories.

1541
01:26:03,114 --> 01:26:06,726
It was her crazy idea,
and he was super into it

1542
01:26:06,726 --> 01:26:11,644
because he fucking <i>loves
scary stories.</i>

1543
01:26:11,644 --> 01:26:14,343
And it's fun,
and as the night goes on,

1544
01:26:14,343 --> 01:26:18,912
the fun just starts
to kind of... die.

1545
01:26:18,912 --> 01:26:21,001
You know?

1546
01:26:21,001 --> 01:26:24,875
That initial feeling
of being included,

1547
01:26:24,875 --> 01:26:27,660
it just sorta starts
to fall away,

1548
01:26:27,660 --> 01:26:33,536
and he starts to kind of feel
like a windup monkey,

1549
01:26:33,536 --> 01:26:38,236
there to just make this chick
feel better about herself.

1550
01:26:40,891 --> 01:26:44,329
Where at first he was
really inspired by her,

1551
01:26:44,329 --> 01:26:48,594
by the end of the night,
he couldn't help but feel...

1552
01:26:48,594 --> 01:26:49,943
used.

1553
01:26:54,296 --> 01:26:57,386
Fred.

1554
01:26:57,386 --> 01:26:59,170
What are you doing
with that poker?

1555
01:27:02,826 --> 01:27:04,480
Huh.

1556
01:27:04,480 --> 01:27:07,178
This guy's just, like --
who's struggling.

1557
01:27:07,178 --> 01:27:08,658
You know,
he's honestly struggling.

1558
01:27:08,658 --> 01:27:10,399
He's spending every ounce
of his savings,

1559
01:27:10,399 --> 01:27:16,840
just trying to take one shot
at his... dream.

1560
01:27:16,840 --> 01:27:20,409
And she just gets to
live hers.

1561
01:27:22,585 --> 01:27:25,196
Okay, I get it.
You read my notebook.

1562
01:27:27,067 --> 01:27:29,026
Your -- Your notebook?
This notebook?

1563
01:27:29,026 --> 01:27:32,638
Look, it's private shit, okay.
And I get that you're trying

1564
01:27:32,638 --> 01:27:34,466
to scare me
with this poker bullshit,

1565
01:27:34,466 --> 01:27:37,034
but it's not working, okay.
It's just pissing me off.

1566
01:27:37,034 --> 01:27:41,604
This is the part
in the story where...

1567
01:27:41,604 --> 01:27:44,389
the creepy
strings kick in.

1568
01:27:45,956 --> 01:27:48,741
Can you hear 'em?

1569
01:27:57,924 --> 01:27:59,622
No, Fred, I can't hear 'em
because we're done.

1570
01:27:59,622 --> 01:28:02,102
We're done telling stories.
Alright?

1571
01:28:02,102 --> 01:28:03,669
Now give me my fucking
notebook back.

1572
01:28:03,669 --> 01:28:06,281
10 pages of which
are all about...

1573
01:28:06,281 --> 01:28:09,588
wannabe-writer Fred.

1574
01:28:09,588 --> 01:28:13,157
Fragile Fred.
Fragile Freddy.

1575
01:28:13,157 --> 01:28:14,811
When did you write
all this shit?

1576
01:28:14,811 --> 01:28:16,465
When you were sitting across
from me eating pizza

1577
01:28:16,465 --> 01:28:18,467
with your next best friend? Well, I don't know, Fred.

1578
01:28:18,467 --> 01:28:21,208
If I knew dairy would turn you
into a fucking psychopath,

1579
01:28:21,208 --> 01:28:22,601
I wouldn't have ordered
a pizza.

1580
01:28:22,601 --> 01:28:23,994
I paid for it, didn't I?

1581
01:28:26,953 --> 01:28:28,694
You've been taking notes
all night, Fanny.

1582
01:28:28,694 --> 01:28:30,609
Why?
Why?

1583
01:28:30,609 --> 01:28:33,046
Because I'm a writer, dude.

1584
01:28:33,046 --> 01:28:36,136
Because we make observations
about the world around us

1585
01:28:36,136 --> 01:28:38,313
and make note of it.
That's what writers do.

1586
01:28:38,313 --> 01:28:40,532
I'm doing the fucking work.
What are you doing?

1587
01:28:40,532 --> 01:28:42,969
You rented this cabin
to do what?

1588
01:28:42,969 --> 01:28:45,885
Pretend to do your
werewolf epic?

1589
01:28:45,885 --> 01:28:47,234
Come on, dude.
You want my life.

1590
01:28:47,234 --> 01:28:49,280
Fucking just do the work.
Do the work.

1591
01:28:49,280 --> 01:28:51,978
Do the work.Yeah, do the work.

1592
01:28:51,978 --> 01:28:54,329
Steal from a nobody.

1593
01:28:54,329 --> 01:28:56,287
Oh, spare me.

1594
01:28:56,287 --> 01:28:58,855
You think people haven't
stolen my ideas?

1595
01:28:58,855 --> 01:29:01,379
I'm a horror writer,
and I'm a lady.

1596
01:29:01,379 --> 01:29:03,642
Everybody fucking steals
from me.

1597
01:29:03,642 --> 01:29:05,862
You know how I deal
with it?

1598
01:29:05,862 --> 01:29:07,820
I do it better than them.

1599
01:29:07,820 --> 01:29:09,518
Just when you think you can let
your guard down,

1600
01:29:09,518 --> 01:29:12,042
some conceited little girl

1601
01:29:12,042 --> 01:29:14,566
decides she can use you
for inspiration.

1602
01:29:18,440 --> 01:29:21,834
Little girl.

1603
01:29:21,834 --> 01:29:25,447
You know, I think
I finally figured you out.

1604
01:29:25,447 --> 01:29:29,102
You're not some sad,
emasculated failure.

1605
01:29:29,102 --> 01:29:32,279
No, that's too interesting.
You...

1606
01:29:32,279 --> 01:29:34,543
You are just a man

1607
01:29:34,543 --> 01:29:38,198
who thinks he's good.

1608
01:29:38,198 --> 01:29:40,984
But he knows that
he'll never be great.

1609
01:29:47,730 --> 01:29:51,037
This is insane.

1610
01:29:51,037 --> 01:29:52,865
This is an insane
conversation.

1611
01:29:54,780 --> 01:29:57,392
It's insane you're taking things
so fucking personally,

1612
01:29:57,392 --> 01:29:59,089
and it's really
fucking insane

1613
01:29:59,089 --> 01:30:01,047
that you're holding that poker
and trying to scare me

1614
01:30:01,047 --> 01:30:05,051
'cause you're not fucking
scaring me, okay, dude?!

1615
01:30:05,051 --> 01:30:07,489
So give me
my fucking notebook

1616
01:30:07,489 --> 01:30:09,708
or I will fucking kill you!

1617
01:30:12,624 --> 01:30:14,017
Okay.

1618
01:30:16,236 --> 01:30:19,675
Okay.

1619
01:30:19,675 --> 01:30:21,459
Here you go.

1620
01:30:21,459 --> 01:30:23,156
Sorry.

1621
01:30:23,156 --> 01:30:24,767
Wait.

1622
01:30:24,767 --> 01:30:26,333
Why make it that easy.

1623
01:30:26,333 --> 01:30:28,205
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

1624
01:30:28,205 --> 01:30:32,905
How about... I chase you.

1625
01:30:32,905 --> 01:30:36,735
We can pretend we're in
one of our stories.

1626
01:30:36,735 --> 01:30:39,608
I can't find you,

1627
01:30:39,608 --> 01:30:43,568
mm, give you
your notebook back.

1628
01:30:43,568 --> 01:30:45,614
But if I <i>do</i>find you...

1629
01:30:51,402 --> 01:30:53,622
Come on, Fred.
Just, um...

1630
01:30:53,622 --> 01:30:56,538
Would you please
give me my notebook back.

1631
01:30:56,538 --> 01:30:58,148
Please?

1632
01:31:00,933 --> 01:31:02,413
Okay, yeah.

1633
01:31:02,413 --> 01:31:04,067
Sorry.

1634
01:31:06,591 --> 01:31:08,637
Psych!

1635
01:31:14,599 --> 01:31:18,473
Oh, come on, Fanny.
Why the long face?

1636
01:31:18,473 --> 01:31:21,606
All night you wanted me
to scare you and now you're...

1637
01:31:21,606 --> 01:31:24,087
I'm not gonna hurt you.

1638
01:31:30,572 --> 01:31:33,270
Run! Run! Run!

1639
01:31:35,098 --> 01:31:37,796
Fanny, wa--

1640
01:31:43,019 --> 01:31:44,977
Man down.

1641
01:31:51,941 --> 01:31:56,162
Fanny...

1642
01:31:58,687 --> 01:32:05,650
Thump, thump, thump.

1643
01:32:05,650 --> 01:32:08,305
Thump.

1644
01:32:08,305 --> 01:32:10,568
Thump.

1645
01:32:10,568 --> 01:32:14,659
Thump, thump.

1646
01:32:19,229 --> 01:32:21,013
Creepy footsteps, right?

1647
01:32:27,890 --> 01:32:29,544
Right?

1648
01:32:33,199 --> 01:32:34,853
Fanny?

1649
01:33:04,404 --> 01:33:06,537
This might be
the creepiest story yet.

1650
01:33:08,626 --> 01:33:10,193
And I thought of it.

1651
01:33:18,114 --> 01:33:19,724
Okay.

1652
01:33:23,293 --> 01:33:24,903
I guess you win.

1653
01:34:30,621 --> 01:34:32,014
Hey.

1654
01:34:34,625 --> 01:34:38,063
Fanny! Fanny!

1655
01:34:41,110 --> 01:34:43,199
W--

1656
01:35:12,576 --> 01:35:14,621
Fuck, Fred...

1657
01:35:32,770 --> 01:35:36,513
Look what you did.

1658
01:35:36,513 --> 01:35:39,995
Fuck, Fred.
You fragile fuck.

1659
01:35:39,995 --> 01:35:42,040
You fucking psychopath.

1660
01:35:42,040 --> 01:35:45,261
I was only kidding.

1661
01:35:48,133 --> 01:35:49,874
I'm so sorry.

1662
01:35:54,879 --> 01:35:56,533
Hey, Fanny.
I...

1663
01:35:56,533 --> 01:36:00,363
Can you do me a favor?

1664
01:36:00,363 --> 01:36:04,062
What?

1665
01:36:04,062 --> 01:36:05,760
I want you
to finish me off.

1666
01:36:07,892 --> 01:36:09,502
Yeah.

1667
01:36:13,811 --> 01:36:20,383
Please.

1668
01:36:20,383 --> 01:36:24,996
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.

1669
01:36:34,005 --> 01:36:35,572
Oh, that's good.
That's a log.

1670
01:36:35,572 --> 01:36:36,921
That's good.

1671
01:36:36,921 --> 01:36:39,315
Oh, that's good idea.

1672
01:36:46,801 --> 01:36:48,803
Cue the creepy strings,
right?

1673
01:36:51,980 --> 01:36:53,372
Yeah.

1674
01:36:53,372 --> 01:36:55,244
Creepy strings.

1675
01:36:55,244 --> 01:36:56,767
It adds comforting.

1676
01:37:24,099 --> 01:37:26,275
Hey.

1677
01:37:30,540 --> 01:37:32,150
Haha, you win.

1678
01:37:32,150 --> 01:37:37,721
♪♪

1679
01:37:37,721 --> 01:37:40,550
You win.

1680
01:37:40,550 --> 01:37:43,596
The end.

1681
01:38:09,579 --> 01:38:11,189
Mr. Banks?

1682
01:38:25,987 --> 01:38:28,990
Mr. Banks?

1683
01:38:28,990 --> 01:38:31,383
It's Bettina, your driver.

1684
01:38:35,953 --> 01:38:38,042
Mr. Banks.

1685
01:38:45,571 --> 01:38:47,486
M-Mr. Banks?

1686
01:38:58,889 --> 01:39:01,239
Well, someone had
a good time in here.

1687
01:39:26,525 --> 01:39:29,311
Mr. Banks?

1688
01:39:29,311 --> 01:39:31,835
I took some pizza.

1689
01:40:07,305 --> 01:40:08,524
Huh.

1690
01:40:08,524 --> 01:40:13,964
♪♪

1691
01:40:13,964 --> 01:40:17,533
♪ I wonder why nobody
don't like me ♪

1692
01:40:17,533 --> 01:40:20,449
♪ Or is it the fact
that I'm ugly? ♪

1693
01:40:20,449 --> 01:40:23,669
♪ I wonder why nobody
don't like me ♪

1694
01:40:23,669 --> 01:40:26,237
♪ Or is it the fact
that I'm ugly? ♪

1695
01:40:26,237 --> 01:40:29,632
♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪

1696
01:40:29,632 --> 01:40:33,331
♪ Mama,
look at boo-boo dey ♪

1697
01:40:33,331 --> 01:41:03,057
♪♪

1698
01:41:08,149 --> 01:41:27,516
♪♪

1699
01:41:27,516 --> 01:41:31,128
♪ I couldn't even digest
me supper ♪

1700
01:41:31,128 --> 01:41:33,783
♪ Due to the children's
behavior ♪

1701
01:41:33,783 --> 01:41:35,219
♪ John ♪

1702
01:41:35,219 --> 01:41:37,308
♪ Come here a moment ♪

1703
01:41:37,308 --> 01:41:40,572
♪ Bring de belt,
you're much too impudent ♪

1704
01:41:40,572 --> 01:41:43,749
♪ John says it's James
who started first ♪

1705
01:41:43,749 --> 01:41:46,970
♪ James tells the story
in reverse ♪

1706
01:41:46,970 --> 01:41:50,147
♪ I drag my belt
from off me waist ♪

1707
01:41:50,147 --> 01:41:53,324
♪ You should hear them
screamin' 'round de place ♪

1708
01:41:53,324 --> 01:41:56,936
♪ "Mama, look at boo-boo,"
they shout ♪

1709
01:41:56,936 --> 01:42:00,157
♪ Their mother tell them
"Shut up your mout'! ♪

1710
01:42:00,157 --> 01:42:03,813
♪ That is your daddy"
Oh, no ♪

1711
01:42:03,813 --> 01:42:06,598
♪ My daddy can't be ugly so ♪

1712
01:42:06,598 --> 01:42:09,384
♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪

1713
01:42:09,384 --> 01:42:12,909
♪ Mama,
look at boo-boo dey ♪

1714
01:42:12,909 --> 01:42:15,738
♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪

1715
01:42:15,738 --> 01:42:19,133
♪ Mama, look at boo-boo dey ♪

1716
01:42:19,133 --> 01:42:44,810
♪♪

1717
01:42:44,810 --> 01:42:47,944
♪ I got carried away. ♪

1718
01:42:47,944 --> 01:42:51,208
♪ So I began to question
the mother ♪

1719
01:42:51,208 --> 01:42:54,429
♪ These children ain't got no
behavior ♪

1720
01:42:54,429 --> 01:42:57,562
♪ So I began to question
the mother ♪

1721
01:42:57,562 --> 01:43:00,913
♪ These children ain't got no
behavior ♪

1722
01:43:00,913 --> 01:43:04,178
♪ They're playing with you,
my wife declared ♪

1723
01:43:04,178 --> 01:43:07,398
♪ You should be proud of them,
my dear ♪

1724
01:43:07,398 --> 01:43:10,532
♪ Them children were taught
too bloomin' slack ♪

1725
01:43:10,532 --> 01:43:13,752
♪ That ain't no kinda joke
to crack ♪

1726
01:43:13,752 --> 01:43:17,321
♪ "Mama, look at boo-boo,"
they shout ♪

1727
01:43:17,321 --> 01:43:20,542
♪ Their mother tell them,
"Shut up your mout' ♪

1728
01:43:20,542 --> 01:43:24,241
♪ That is your daddy"
Oh, no ♪

1729
01:43:24,241 --> 01:43:26,896
♪ My daddy can't be ugly so ♪

1730
01:43:26,896 --> 01:43:29,725
♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪

1731
01:43:29,725 --> 01:43:33,381
♪ Mama,
look at boo-boo dey ♪

1732
01:43:33,381 --> 01:43:36,340
♪ Shut your mout', go away ♪

1733
01:43:36,340 --> 01:43:39,822
♪ Mama,
look at boo-boo dey ♪

1734
01:43:39,822 --> 01:43:42,825
Shut your mout', go away ♪

1735
01:43:42,825 --> 01:43:46,220
♪ Mama, look at boo-boo dey ♪

1736
01:43:46,220 --> 01:43:48,309
♪ Shut your mout'! ♪