Candy Hell back up Jan 27

    Candy Hell

    I have seen some pretty fucked up things since I arrived in Hell, but this was more fucked up than anything I've ever seen, and...well...okay,

   My name is Jonathan Taylor, no relation, seriously Taylor is my last name for crying out loud; at any rate I got to calling myself Briggs shortly after arriving in Hell anyway. In life I was a high school drop out, worked at a Taco Bell for like seven years, then at a movie theater for like two years...customers were actually bigger assholes there than at the Taco Bell; a gas station for like one summer, and then Wal-mart. But no, I was only like 23 when I...died. I'm not really sure about what happened; I mean, its not like I had some out of body experience and was all floaty ghost around myself, or haunted my family or a hospital...not even a graveyard. Last thing I remembered was driving home in winter like a week before Christmas, bright lights, and boom...I wake up on the floor of a gas station, like one of those one's with a little store inside with donuts, soda, and shit. It was totally empty, and outside I was on the outskirts of some huge city...but no, long story short, I was on what I would later be told was one of the open islands in some "Mega Metropolis Hell", like they had these southern California looking deserts, patches of jungle and shit; with like haunted hotels, possessed large houses, cars that were really torture traps, and all sorts of fucked up demons wandering around. My first experience was zombies; but while I was on the roof of the gas station...which by the way when people tell you not to try the food you find they mean it; I got lucky; bag of potato chips tasted like bean boozled jelly beans, like the cat food flavor ones; found out later some of that stuff can taste like piss, shit, or be made of tiny glass shards or acid and stuff. Like a random grab bag of fuck yous right. Anyway, on the roof, helicopter spotted me, got rescued.

   So that was that, I spent the next six years or so of my...um, after life. With this military group. They had set up bases, got their hands on military grade equipment that was...I guess the way it was explained was the demons that set up this place wanted you to think you had hope to make the hoplessness that sets in that much worse type psychological torture bullshit. So anyway, I saw alot of fucked up shit, giant eel women in the sewers, fish people in the waters, people's bodies taken over by frogs, slugs, zombies, slime monsters, and a fungus; people raped by statues, I mean I have seen some shit. The worst part is realizing you can't really die again, and that you never get used to the pain as what grows back is stupidly sensative; so turning into a zombie or body stolen...you just respawn with a new body; and its random as fuck. If you're lucky its near the base, if not...well...better luck next time if you can't get back to the base through the hordes of fucked up shit in the city.

   Thing is back when I was first, found, the helicopter I was on stopped short of the massive Manhatten looking city we were going to and stopped here on this much smaller outlying, less densly filled with buildings island because the city was under attack by several kaiju sized demons. I was told by one of the "old timers" (people who have been in Hell for decades if not centuries), about the "scale of escalation". That the demons are drawn to you based on your "threat level", that a lone un-armed person is more likely to come across scratching imps behind doors and under cars, shadows and small sandworms, and all sorts of horror movie shit like living dolls stabbing at you with kitchen knives. But start getting guns and grouping together and that shit coming after you gets bigger, meaner, like Hellraiser demons, giant sandworms, those fucked up "evil angels", and fucking Jaws with spider legs and shit like that. But these guys had an army an were taking an entire city back from the demons, they supposedly even had the *random encounter* spawning points of these demons memorized to target them; while the animal demons were tracked and kept at bay with barriers, slowly pushing them back, till us humans controlled most of the city; they even made deals with some demons to act as executioners to punish those who broke the laws of this dictatorship. But as the "old timer" said; this is Hell...we are not in charge. I saw it, a giant blue dragon woman flooding the city and smashing the buildings, and swarms of other things flying around. I was new, but it was a reminder; this is Hell; never forget it.

   There was an attempt to rebuild their human empire, but keeping it more subtle I guess. Keep us in communication but more spread out among the islands and reinforce existing structures like penthouses and gas stations. So I guess I showed up for human empire 2.0 then. Now an important thing is, one thing they brought back was "commerce", treat the different bases like towns; that sort of thing rather than as one big military empire. Trade is pretty simple, clothing, materials, weapons. But there is one thing worth more than anything else; food and drinks. Funny thing is, we can't die of thirst or hunger; but we still feel them. Problem two on that is we can't grow any food, this is Hell, every plant and animal is some vicious abomination. Even the grass half the time, especially in those creepy suburb areas on this island are made of fucking needles. I've seen birds with teeth, dogs that spit flaming blood chunks, and the last time I saw a "cow" it's head twisted apart and ate a guy. So farming is out of the question. But as I said before, food does exist. But as an "old timer" pointed out, food here comes in three types. The first is trap food; the sort of shit that was in that gas station where I first showed up. The second is bait food; the shit never spoils, but is otherwise normal; and is just sitting out there. You find that stuff in the cubbards and fridges of the suburb houses, sitting out in fruit bowls in those houses, and some of what is inside Super Stores and office building vending machines will be like that...problem is...its bait. Its there to lure you into a trap. Those houses and such are all traps. Heard about people going into a Super Store only to get lost because the aisles are some sort of teleport you around invisible maze craziness...also demons in there too. Demons are fucking everywhere. But then there is the third food...the unique food. Special delicious food belonging to high level demons, like sweets with strange unique flavors. You may get a squad together to raid a house, machine gunning down living lawnmowers, robot transforming appliances and jack in the box zombies...and once a litteral jack in the box with teeth and little swords I shot up; but all you get from those raids is things like canned goods, cartains of orange juice, bread, bannanas, apples, and basic shit like that. We're in Hell, we're not starving to death, so its not really worth the effort in my opinion. But some want to buy it. The point I am coming to though is, luxury food...THAT is worth the most. People will trade information, food, and this fucking currency these guys set up at some point...in Hell and still have to deal with capatalism. The easiest to get is from office Vending machines, but getting it out of an office building is really difficult; the sorts of things crawling around inside buildings makes the suburb stuff look like child's play.

   Now I get to the real point of all of this, out in the sea there are these four islands sitting way out away from the mega cities; helicopters spotted them, but only reliable way to reach them is by boat. Each island is surrounded by a tall wooden poles wall with only two to four entrances is...an obvious trap. Each island is pretty big but also...like stupid. Okay, they are cartoonishly absurb food islands. Like there is one that is the most natural, fruits and veggies island, normal looking trees but always have fruit on them, fields always filled with veggies...but also some weird stuff like fruits and veggies that don't exist like blue strawberries and corn that tastes like it is already cooked and buttered while on the cob...hell there is a pie swamp with like apple pie, peacon pie, and such....scalding hot swamps. That stuff is far in. Like normal stuff is near the edge, and weird stuff shows up closer to the center of the island where there is some tower Chinese castle that has a garden in its walls with giant peaches and a mysterious busty robed demon woman in a pink dress living there. The whole place I am told feels like a combination salad bar, farm, and fruit dessert tray.

   The other three islands are even more surreal, there is a pasta island...like lasagna marshes, raviole mushrooms, and other weird shit like that. I don't know much about it, other than they consider it a 100% death trap that no one ever manages to bring food back from. Supposedly the pasta has some addictie quality and those that land smell it and can't stop eating it, until some glowing white light demon woman *one guy who stayed on the boat described her as wearing diamond armor and hair like diamond filaments*, would carry them off into the island. The guy said he believes they were fattened up like ravioles to be eaten by the demons...thing is...you should respawn, and then you'd be able to tell the tale but its like they don't.

   The other three islands they have returned/respawned to talk about it, there are only two others though I didn't talk about yet; one is the meat island...which is...kinda confusing. Like BBQ pits, and meat products growing like plants. I mean, when you stop and think about it...its kinda like fucked up zombie meat, like snakes made of hotdogs, pork ribs growing from trees made of steaks and cow bones with strips of beef jerky for leaves. I mean...if you don't think about it...its food, but when you consider WHERE these normally come from, its like the most fucked up undead chimera plant/animal hybrid psycho bullshit there is. Like really, the water around there...also I have helped out on a ship that went into this one's harbor...but yeah the water around there has sushi growing like kelp and breaded popcorn shrimp crawling on the beach like...its shrimp...headless...no shells...shrimps that are breaded...its like eating zombies covered in bread and butter. But its also the safest island to harvest food from. Alot of "good stuff" is right there in the harbor. But go too deep and you run into some viscious demons, that want to eat and cook you too...I mean people are meat too I guess...which, even these bodies are, but its also meat not rotting or anything, that regrows so...the island is kind of made of the same Hell's flesh as we are. Try not to think about during the simple pleasure of eating slim jim's that grow like grass right?

  So this brings me to the fourth Island...the one whose stuff is the most valuable. Some call it Candy Island, others Sweets Islands. It is an island of desserts that never go bad. It is rare to go there. Said to be second only to the pasta island in danger. I regret my decision to volunteer for the ship going there to "harvest" some sweets. The captain of the base I was staying at was making a deal for our safety with a demon lord that lived in the nearby bay; and it demanded 1,000 pounds of sweets in exchange for ignoring us and letting the ships go between the islands. Demons may be tasked with tormenting us, but they are greedy creatures by nature, or so I'm told; and in my experience honestly.

   ******

    I guess I didn't really need to explain all that, or that the islands are bigger than they look; even the helicopters flying over them report they look like prisms from above and can't be approached, I mean...I'm procrastinating, I'll get to the point.

   I will begin properly then, I was selected among a group of ten "soldiers" to board this small motorboat to head over across the sea. There was myself, the captain, like five loyal soldiers, and these other three; like myself two of them had been around only a few years and were still getting the hang of things; hell one of them had been rescued from a slug woman "love nest" and joined us just because he would have a gun and be surrounded by men with guns. This last guy though; he was tied up, gag on his mouth. He had a crazy look in his eyes like he was both pleading with us and looking like he wanted us all to rot in...well...I'd say Hell...but here we are.

  My job was to guard this prick. The five loyal to the captain stayed up top ready for anything that might jump out of the water or swoop down...I say read for anything, but really...its the fact the demon lord was being paid off that we could go out this far without some giant shark, octopus with a human face, or other crazy shit dragging us down. Everyone was on deck, including the tied up man *held by two of the loyal soldiers in riot gear whose faces I never saw...there's a red flag for ya*, as we passed through the entrance in the wooden poles to the Candy island. Passing through the entrance the beach of white sugar stretched on for miles. Like I said, the outside was some distorted zone thing, not unlike doors that teleport you to random places, invisible wall mazes in stores, and other crazy shit like that. Hell one of these other two like me there had a story about how he walked from a Jungle Hell to the City Hell through an underground cave that turned into the sewers. But the cities are islands and the jungle was some large landmass elsewhere that even the higher ups here couldn't say; the closest visible continent is this place full of forests and mountains, not jungles. But hey, plenty of people from there got to the cities by falling through sewer grates, opening doors in random basements and shit, so; there you go.

  So the Candy island...how the hell do I describe this, powered sugar beaches, mountains of candy and icecream, all sorts of crazy shit, like loose candy, stuff shaped like recognizable brands and stuff shaped like normal things but made of candy. Like every weird ass cartoon, children's board game, and fantasy story...only...not. The two guy and I were tasked with dragging that one guy along with two soldiers to the island on a smaller raft. Our job was to collect as much candy and sweets as quickly as possible into these sacks like it is fucking trick or treat night and get the fuck off the island. So there I was plucking gummy leaves off trees made of chocolate while one guy was using a chisel to break up some rock candy; very colorful assortment of jagged crystal candy by a chocolate milk spring, which the third guy was filling up cantines of the stuff. Like I said so there I was when we heard the scream; the man who had been brought tied up. We ran to see the two soldiers in full gear were spraying small flame throwers at a hornet's nest. Like and these bugs were melting, like they were made of candy as well. The man however was on the ground screaming, screaming that he was a priest, that he didn't deserve this, and holding his arm as he slowly was panting "not again, not again". His arm was swelling up. One of the soldiers saw us and told us to get back to work as they dragged the man, a trail of thick caramel...yes caramel not just caramel colored, goo was oozing from his mouth, nose, and tear ducts. We couldn't help but watch as he was dragged to the beach. His breathing was labored, I had seen men die and re-die over and over in this world many times. But this looked...so much worse. He stared at us as his eyes glazes over, solidifed and sparkled as they turned crusty and dry and sugary. His skin thickened and turned yellow, thickening and crusting around his body like a cocoon as the soldiers dragged him onto the boat. We were ordered to grab what we had and move out *before they noticed us*.

   On the boat we saw the captain go through out bags and divide things up into groups. The man's body had stopped moving completly. One of the soldiers removed his helmet and changed his gloves with medical gloves; he was apparently some doctor or...something. As our boat left the harbor area back out to sea, he commented on the eyes turning to jaw breakers, the skin to honey hard candy, he scooped the eyes out and tossed them into the bag with all the rock candy. He then pried the man's mouth open with a loud crack, making certain to sweep all the pieces of the honey candy that broke off into the bag. He commented that the teeth had become peppermints and the tongue was caramel taffy. We watched as he dissected this candy-fied corpse, smashing it to pieces and throwing it into bags. The captain had called ahead to base to keep an eye out for if/when the man respawned.

   Then...the shit hit the fan. The boat felt snagged on something. The captain growled something under his breath and ordered me and the other two who were not in riot gear off the boat into the raft. There was no point in arguing...hell these guys had dragged a man to that island, clearly for the intent of some transformation bugs or whatever you want to call them, turning a 200 pound man into 200 pounds of candy, more than we could have gotten in those bags in such a short time.

  *****

  So here is where the real story begins.