post sgdq pastebin and rambling about bullshit

just want to thank everyone for being great. i was apprehensive about this gdq for multiple reasons, the primary being that most of my close friends who i spent my last GDQ (AGDQ 17) with would not be there, and i wouldnt really have a "group" to stick to. i tried to be optimistic and say it'd be an opportunity to develop more friendships, and i feel like i did sorta ok at that. i also started off the week being very upset with someone important to me and feeling shitty because i was (unreasonably) hesitant to say anything to them, and that just got worse and worse in my head when it didn't need to at all. i really gotta not do that.

whether we hung out in the prac room, roomed together, played ddr together, faced each other in tournaments, hung out in hotel rooms, went for dinner/trips, or even if you just said hi to me in the hall, it's nice to have somewhere to "belong" I guess. no matter how minimal our interactions, i appreciate all of you for making this trip better than i expected it to turn out.

going to events like gdq is important to me. i know that some of you look at my life and are envious that i get to go on a lot of trips to cool stuff, but the truth is at most of those trips i'm working or have commitments to worry about. and that's not even a bad thing, the majority are smash bros related work, which i love doing. the brawl and 64 communities and the staff at all the events i'm "obligated" to attend are wonderful, and after my last pastebin about impostor syndrome, you can imagine that the respect i get from those communities means a lot to me. the same goes for gdq when there are ppl sitting by cheering me on when i pb in mario kart or do well in a smash bros tournament, even tho gdq is my trip to just be free from all commitments.

but that said, im not a good community leader. i dont know how to successfully engage ppl and do more than keep myself at arms length from like 99% of people. almost everybody overestimates how close they really are to me, and that gives me constant low-key anxiety that i just try to not pay attention to. i think im just afraid of ppl having 1 idea about the kind of person i am, and then finding out what im really like and not wanting to associate with me anymore. i feel like it's a recurring theme in my failed relationships as well (yeah ive lost count of these, i'm that fucking bad/unlovable i guess), and this is a huge reason why i dont trust men who find me attractive (not that there are many lol), im not some kind of misandrist or anything but i dont flirt with ppl ever and i run for the hills anytime someone shows interest beyond platonic friendship unless that person is like already REALLY super super close to me bc i always feel like no 1 knows what im really like and they're just into a simplified/palatable version of me that isnt real, and that only the ppl closest to me know what im really like and can be trusted to accept me for who i really am. there's also the whole side of im extremely extremely private about my intimate life and i dont wanna just be somebody's failed romantic pursuit story, but eh that's another topic. this is what i like so much about going to gaming events, ppl just treat me like a real person whos there for the same reasons they are and i can really just be comfortable and be myself and not worry about literally anything or worry about having to manage other ppl's emotions and shit. "being myself" includes dressing super ultra extra because i love doing that and dont really get a chance to in my day to day life lol. i wish i could find a dev job where i could just work from anywhere and make decent money still and not have to worry about office conduct n stuff, every day i wanna go ham on eyeliner and wear all the ostentatious stuff in my closet lmao. truth be told im so socially anxious at work that i actively avoid going to the kitchen or the bathroom at times of day when i expect anyone will be in there

and on that note, just like apparently literally everyone else who plays video games, i def got that social anxiety bullshit going on (despite seeming like im a very open person from my twitter account i guess...), and ive felt lately like i dont really have somewhere i truly belong, im lucky enough to have enough basic charisma to be surrounded by wonderful people, and a great community in my discord who stick around despite the fact that i havent streamed in 2 months, but i dont really have like, a "squad" i guess. i wish i did, but im too stunted to really form one or seek one out. i mean, im not lonely or whatever, because im blessed enough to have close friends in different circles who i trust a lot, and especially because i have my best friend, but as wonderful as he is i dont wanna burden him with ALL of my bullshit lol. that's not fair to anyone :x guess that's why alt twitter exists lol. i feel like im a pretty nice person but beyond basic acquaintanceship i have no social skills whatsoever and that's why i feel so lucky to have a handful of ppl who don't expect me to be anything im not.

i feel like im not really good at anything and i hold myself to very high standards, and having bad self esteem most of my life and all that shit, going somewhere where ppl really respect me who have no obligation to do so helps me a lot. so thanks everyone for being nice/respectful to me this week and reminding me that shit doesnt always suck and i dont always gotta be terrified of literally everyone

i guess i had no expectations going in. the only real bad part about the week is that i feel really really bad that claris had such a bad time. xelnas told me during the week that she was hurting so i went "omfg invite her up to this room right now!" so we could try to cheer her up and take her mind off things a bit, but i feel like we did something wrong cause it didnt seem to have helped... i hope i didnt say or do anything wrong. she's really great and even tho we havent known each other long i just wanted her to feel happy/appreciated but i also dont like to be overbearing and maybe that came off as uncaring... also i slipped out of GDQ quietly, like i do at every event, because saying goodbyes to ppl is hard for me. i rather just not do it and go back home to talking to all of you online. and i tend to try and "escape" when the situation gets too crowded like i did on saturday. this dumb trait of mine was made even worse bc july 1 always fucking sucks and i was trying to hide and not be seen by ppl cuz i was too busy crying about my friend who passed away two years ago (we teamed at the first event i ever traveled for, apex 2012...). so i apologize if anyone feels like i brushed them off, im sometimes just a jerk who likes to think she's way more complicated than she actually is. this is just how i am and there's nothing anyone can really do about it i guess

im streamin again now. my main focuses upcoming are going to be smrpg, cc1, and studying japanese in my spare time. plz dont ask me about other games if you can help it, ill be getting to everything i promised, but streaming isnt my job and i gotta prioritize what's most important to me at the time. this is what i wanna do right now.

im prob not gonna reply to many DMs about this pastebin because the "reply to tweet" button is literally right there and im usually more comfortable w/ that. theres a big diff between looking for catharsis vs looking for advice, the former is something i can rarely get out of anything besides writing essays like this to nobody in particular (as opposed to talking to ppl about it... with some exceptions) and the latter is pretty much never something ill post on twitter. thanks for reading/caring and thanks for a good week