on *:TEXT:!taze *:#: {
  var %z = $rand(1,2)
  if (!%tazespam [ $+ [ $chan ] ]) {
    set -u15 %tazespam [ $+ [ $chan ] ] 1
    if (($2 == $nick) || (!$2)) {
      describe $chan gives $nick a tazer.
      timer 1 2 { describe $chan watches $nick put the tazer to their head. }
      timer 1 4 { describe $chan watches as $nick $+ 's face melts. }
    }
    else if (*!*@P2PNET-7AD19DC1.dsl.wotnoh.sbcglobal.net iswm $address($nick,2)) {
      describe $chan tazes LSDuke and throws him out a 12th-story window.
    }
    else if (($2 isnotify) && ($nick isnotify)) {
      describe $chan hugs both $2 and $nick so they get along.
    }
    else if ($2 isnotify) {
      $iif($nick isop $chan,describe $chan hands $nick and $2 tazers and forces them to duel!,describe $chan tazes $nick because $2 is a friend of mine.)
    }
    else if ($me isin $2-) {
      describe $chan laughs maniacally while tazing $nick $+ .
    }
    else if (($2 isreg $chan) || ($2 isvoice $chan)) {
      describe $chan sticks the tazer under $2 $+ 's chin and pulls the trigger. $me gives a blank look around the room before turning and leaving.
      timer 1 2 msg $chan Business is business, y'all.
    }
    else if (($nick isop $chan) && ($2 isop $chan)) {
      describe $chan puts the tazer up to $2 $+ 's neck and pulls the trigger. But the taser's battery is dead! $me smacks $nick over the head with a large trout instead.
    }
    else if (($nick ishop $chan) && ($2 isop $chan)) {
      describe $chan tazes $nick because $2 is better than $nick $+ .
    }
    else if (($nick ishop $chan) && ($2 ishop $chan)) {
      describe $chan lets $nick and $2 duel it out, Spock and Kirk-style, until there is only one survivor.
    }
    else if ($2 isop $chan) {
      $iif($2 isnotify,describe $chan tazes $nick for trying to taze a friend of mine!,describe $chan tazes $2 for trying to taze an op.)
    }
    else if ($2 !ison $chan) {
      describe $chan tazes $nick in the face for abusing this script.
    }
    unset %z
  }
}