Anon's Joke

>Day bombing at the Apollo in Equestria
>Technically, it's actually day two in Equestria if you want to be a dick about it
>Anyway, despite both you and your new guests' initial shock at you spontaneously ending up here, things have been pretty good so far
>You've met quite a few of the residents of Ponyville and they've all been very friendly by and large
>Your current house-mate Twilight is showing you around
>"You know, Anon, I wasn't sure how you were going to react to everyp0ny, but you seem to be fitting in quite nicely!"
>Shrugging your shoulders casually, you brush off the compliment
"What can I say?  I like getting along with people...or ponies"
>"Well, with that attitude you certainly won't have trouble with our last stop"
>Trotting ahead, she takes a sharp right before alighting the doorstep of a most peculiar looking building
"Sugarcube Corner..." you mumble out, peering at the colorful sign above the door
>The structure looks like one giant confection with shingles that look like gingerbread and trim that looks like frosting
"Let me guess..." you state, raising a brow at your host
"They sell desserts here?"
>Twilight giggles
>"Nothing gets past you"
>Rolling your eyes, you skip up the stairs and prepare to knock at the door
>"Hold on a second, Anon"
>Twilight's interjection stops your fist in mid swing as you turn to look, quizzically, at the purple unicorn
>The mirth from her face is gone, a look of worry replacing it
>You thought she said this would be easy...
>"Look, I don't want to alarm you, but the mare who works here is..."
"Is?"
>Twilight screws up her face, searching for a proper adjective
>"...Eccentric, to say the least"
>As your fist begins to fall, Twilight quickly tries to assuage your doubt
>"But she's really nice!  In fact, she's one of my best friends, and she's a lot of fun!"
>Twilight chuckles
>"A little too much fun if you ask me...but seriously, Anon, she's great.  I just didn't want you to be too shocked by her...her..."
"Eccentricity?"
>"Yeah..."
>Again, you amiably shrug
"Ah, what the hell, she can't be more 'eccentric' than that pony who sells clothes despite the fact that you guys barely seem to wear them"
>She sighs
>"We'll see if you still think that in a minute..."
>Not particularly disturbed by Twilight's warning, you knock at the door
>The instant your fist makes contact, the door swings wide and the building falls away from you
>No, wait...you just fell backwards
>Hard, you might add
>Desperately trying to force air back into your lungs, you open your eyes to see that the world has turned pink
>And it appears that the world also decided to sprout two gigantic, blue eyes that encompass your vision
>"Oh, wow!  I've never seen anything like you before!  What is he, Twilight?!  Can we keep him?  Huh?!  Can we?!?"
>Eccentric doesn't seem to be the right adjective...
>With her last sentence, the pink pony with the poofy mane begins to jump up and down on your chest in what you hope is happiness instead of gleeful malice
>"Can we?!!"
>Either way, you can't breathe
"Aaugh!" you choke out in pain, before grabbing her by the torso and pushing her off of you
>You hear Twilight scolding her as you rise to your feet
>When you look at the two mares, you see the pink one's attention being drawn to you while Twilight continues her lecture
>"...he's new here, and you shouldn't be jumping all over him!  I know you want to be friendly but-"
>"OOOOO!!!  He's tallllll!" she gasps up at your 6 foot frame
>"Wait here for a sec!"
>In a cloud of dust, she darts away back into the shop, reappearing an instant later at eye level
>"There!  Now you and I can see each other perfectly!"
>Somehow, she found, put on, and walked out with four wooden stilts attached to each leg in under two seconds
>Before you can question your apparently vacant sanity, she pipes up
>"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie!  What's your name?!"
>She puts her muzzle right in your face, her wide smile still pulling at the corners of her mouth, before wobbling back a bit on her stilts
"Uh...hi, Pinkie...I'm Anon"
>She cocks her head to the side in confusion
>"You're a 'non'?  I've never heard of a 'non' before"
"No, that's my name.  My name is-"
>Pinkie's gut busting laughter cuts you off
>"Oh, I know, silly.  I was just joking with you!"
>As she giggles and snorts, you look at Twilight
>She offers you a forced smile and chuckles awkwardly along with Pinkie
>She probably hoped you weren't mad
>And in truth, you weren't
"Heh...got me good, Pinkie Pie.  Wait, what's that behind your ear?"
>Her laughter suddenly stops as you move a hand to the side of her face and "pull out" a single bit from behind her ear flap
>Luckily, Twilight had given you some money when you arrived...
>Pinkie's joy turns to astonishment
>"Whoa!  How'd you-"
>Deftly, you "swap" the bit from one hand to the other, before opening up your fingers, one by one, to reveal the absence of the coin
"Whoops!  Looks like it's gone"
>At Pinkie's frown, you suddenly make the coin "reappear" in your other hand
"Gotcha!" you say with a smirk
>Pinkie beams at you before turning to her friend
>"This guy is the best, Twilight!  Why didn't you tell me he likes jokes too!?"
>"Well, you didn't really give me time t-"
>"I've never met anyp0ny who could pull money from behind my ear..." Pinkie whimsically interrupts as she turns back to you
>"Well, except me, of course"
>With that, she turns her head to the side and shakes out an entire bag of coins onto the ground
>Now it's your turn to be amazed
"What?  How-"
>"But you won't be needing bits right now, Nonny!  Come on!  You and Twilight eat free today!"
>With that, she bounds off into the store, obviously expecting you to follow
>You give Twilight another good, long stare as the purple mare just sighs
>"Don't bother trying to understand it, Anonymous...I gave up a long time ago"
>Twilight then moves towards the shop and you follow with trepidation
>However, Pinkie seems to have calmed down a little, at least for her, as she quickly sets a table and lays out three gigantic ice cream sundaes
>Finally...you hadn't eaten all day
>As you all take your seats, Pinkie launches a challenge at you
>"So...you like jokes, Anon?" she states, teasingly
>You look at the tasty treat in front of you and scowl
"Did you put something in my sundae?"
>She laughs
>"No, silly, I mean JOKES!  Ones that you tell!  You seem to like jokes and you probably have SO many from where you're from!  Could you tell me one?  Please?!"
>Twilight finishes a bite of her dessert before turning to Pinkie
>"Come on, Pinkie Pie.  Anon just got here and he's still a little shell-shocked right now"
"I don't mind"
>"Anon..."
"No really, it's fine"
>Twilight frowns at you before conceding
>"If you say so..."
>"Yes!"  Pinkie exuberantly cries
>The pink mare turns to you, giving you her full attention
>"Well?  Whad'ya got, Anon?"
>Oh, right...jokes
>You knew plenty of them, but when called on to just up and tell a joke...your memory felt like it was blanking
"Okay, let's see..."
>You begin to shift through the file cabinets of your mind, searching for anything that resembled a joke or funny story
>First bike?  No.  High School graduation?  Nope.  That one time Uncle Freddy tried to get way too friendly with you?  Uggh, what's that still doing here?  Be gone with you!
>Finding the first thing that seemed funny to you, you mentally grab a hold of the memory and begin speaking
"Okay, I got one.  So there was this man, or...stallion or whatever, and he had a son.  Now the thing is, the stallion was a single dad, being that his wife was dead"
>"Oh, that sounds sad..." Pinkie pouts
>Shit, you're losing her
"Stay with me, Pinks, it gets better"
>Her pleasant smile returns as she giggles at your pet name
"Now, this guy was very wealthy.  But, despite all his money, the one thing he loved most in the world was his son.  Ever since the boy could speak, he promised the child anything his heart could desire on his birthday"
>"Ooh!  What'd he ask for?  Was it a really big cake?  Or maybe a sailboat?  Or-"
>"Pinkie, let him finish"  Twilight interjects
>"Oops!  Sorry, Anon.  Keep going!"
>You continue
"Well, the strange thing is that despite all his dad's wealth, the boy didn't ask for anything like a giant cake or a sailboat.  Every year, the boy only asked for one thing..."
>You lean in and whisper for dramatic effect
>The two ponies lean in as well
"...A single, green golf ball"
>Their looks of perplexity nearly make you lose it...just keep a straight face, Anon...
"Now, naturally the father was very puzzled by this.  Every year he bought the boy multitudes of expensive and elaborate toys and playthings.  And every birthday, the child thanked his father for the wonderful gifts...before patiently asking for the green golf ball"
>Pinkie rubs her chin thoughtfully
>"Uhh, Nonny?  Are you sure this is a joke?"
"Pinkie, just hang with me for another minute, okay?  Now, when the boy turned 16, his father bought him a Mercedes-"
>"Whaght's that?" Twilight pipes up, still swallowing a mouthful of ice cream
"Oh, well...it's like a...carriage.  Yeah, a carriage that moves without being pulled and goes really, really fast"
>"Now that sounds like a good present!" Pinkie cheerfully adds
"Yes, you'd think so.  That was what the father thought anyway, but when he revealed the extremely expensive present to his son, the boy thanked him like always and then asked for the green golf ball"
>You take a few bites of your sundae to let the ponies process the information
"Now, later on that night, the father gets a message saying that his son was involved in a really bad carriage crash and that he needs to come see his son right away!"
>Pinkie gasps
"When the father gets to the scene of the accident, he's taken to his child, who lies on a hospital stretcher"
>"I-Is he alright?" Pinkie squeaks
>You shake your head slowly
"No...the paramedics say that he'll be lucky to make it to the hospital alive and that the father should be by his side in the boy's final moments"
>"Anon, where is this going?" Twilight interrupts, her brow raised in curiosity
"Just hang on and I'll tell you.  Now, the father and son are united for what they both know is the last time they will see each other on this earth.  They cry, they share memories, they apologize for any wrong-doings they feel they have committed against each other over the years they've been friends"
>Pinkie looks like she's about to cry
>Even Twilight is looking misty eyed
>Again, you lean in and speak softly
"And while they share their goodbyes, the father suddenly poses a question that he knows he should have asked so many times before...he says 'Son?  It may seem selfish of me right now, but I have to know.  Why?  Why did you, every year, ask me for nothing but a green golf ball?'"
>Pinkie speaks in a whisper
>"What did he say?"
"The son looked up into his father's tear-filled eyes and said 'Well, dad.  I think you deserve to know the truth...the truth is...'[spoiler]and then he died"[/spoiler]
>You break their gaze and sit back in your seat, munching away at your sundae, acting like nothing had happened
>Looking up to see the shock on the ponies' faces, you grin
"Gotcha..."
>Twilight slumps in her seat, groaning
>"Ohhhh!  You cheeky bastard!"
>She laughs and playfully hits your arm
>"That was awful!  Wasn't it, Pinkie?"
>Twilight turns to her friend and immediately stops laughing
>"Pinkie?"
>You look at Pinkie
>She's still bearing that same, dumbfounded look
"Yo, Pinks"
>You snap your fingers in front of her face
"You alright?"
>Pinkie scowls and launches forward, knocking your sundae across the room
>"Get the fuck out of my store, Anon!!"
"Wha-"
>"Shut up!  Shut the fuck up!  That was the worst fucking joke I've ever heard!"
"But-"
>"Fuck you, and fuck your jokes!"
"Pinkie, come on-"
>She begins to push you out the door
>"SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!!"
>With that last bit of profanity, she hurls you out the front door of the bakery and into the street
>Picking yourself up, you turn to see Twilight coming up behind you
"What just...what just happened?"
>Twilight shrugs
>"Like I said, Anon...eccentric"
>Today was a dark humor day