Dear Red States:

We've had fun together, but let's face it: you're sick and tired of putting
up with us, the "Fake Americans" in the Blue States.  We're just too
different.

So we're leaving.

In case you aren't aware, our new country includes Hawaii, California,
Illinois, Washington, New York and Massachusetts. We know this split
will be for the best, in the long run.

To sum it up: You get Arkansas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Barack Obama.
You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get Apple and Google. You get Krispy Kreme.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian
Coalition's. So we get a bunch of healthy families. You get a bunch of
poverty-stricken single moms.

Good luck coping with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their health
care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of the Southern
Baptists, most of the televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones
University, Clemson and the Aggies.

Please be aware that New California will be pro-choice and against
unnecessary wars, and we're going to bring all our citizens back from
Iraq. If you want people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for good reason, and they
don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming
home. We do wish you success in Iraq, but we're not willing to kill our
children, trash our economy and destroy our reputation for Bush's
quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country's fresh water, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit,
95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines
at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech
industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias
and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford,
Berkeley, Cal Tech and MIT.

You're tired of seeing us associated with your "Real America?" Perfect.
Step off our coattails and we'll go our separate ways.

We'll take Silicon Valley and Yosemite, thank you.

Thirty-eight percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually
swallowed by a whale, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory,
53 percent think that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you
"Real Americans" believe that you have higher morals then the lefties who
provide the only things that separate you from the third world.  That's right:
you're not the only folks who are tired of welfare.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.  You'll need to tunnel under that wall to find work,
anyway.

Peace out,
Blue States