The Sketti Man in The Town With No Ferals

Mr_Potatamoto, December 13, 2016; 04:36 / FB 43350
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The Town With No Ferals

Well howdy there, friend. What’s that? Choco-Taco? Hah ha ha…you must be new to our little town. I ain’t no ice cream man. If you’ll take a look at my truck over there, you’ll see I’m a Sketti Man. What’s a Sketti Man, I can see you wonderin’? Well, you’re a newcomer and all, and I was just about to start my route. If you’ve got the time, I wouldn’t mind showin’ you just what we do.

Sketties am bestest nummies!
Sketti Man hab bestest Sketties fow aww fwuffies!
Pwease come owt fow yummy nummy Sketties!

Yeah, might want to just keep the window rolled up there, friend. Keeps the ‘song’ down to a minimum. Other than that, pretty quiet ride though, ain’t it? All these Sketti Man trucks run on hydrogen fuel cells. Livin’ in the future sure is somethin’. Costs a pretty penny, but those fluffies wouldn’t come near these trucks if they had regular ol’ combustion engines roarin’ away, sketties or no sketties.

Heh, yeah, I caught that look there, friend. Wonderin’ why we go through all the good time, trouble and money? Fact is, in this little town, we love our fluffy ponies, yes we do. That is to say, we love our fluffy ponies. Hate to see fluffies out in the cold, without a soul to care for ‘em, carryin’ on and fallin’ into who knows what mischief and tragedy. So we do our level best to make sure every fluffy pony in our town has a good, carin’ home. And that’s where we Sketti Men come into the picture.

Now take this little green darlin’ comin’ out from between those two houses up ahead. Got one…two…goodness, five little peepin’ young uns’ clingin’ to her back! Poor girl got knocked up good, looks like! Definitely need to make sure this sweet young thing’s taken care of! Looks kinda nervous…won’t get any closer. Well, we can fix that! Pass me one of those cans, would ya? Just gotta put it in a bowl and pop it in the microwave back here, get it nice and warm. Wazzat? Heh, yep, sure is, Monsignore Boiardi’s finest. Got a deal with those folks for a blend they make up special, just for us.

Now, just gotta get the service counter open here…ah, yep, see that? She smells it already. Here she comes. Now I’d take it as a kindness if you’d just kinda sit quiet and watch while I get down to business, friend. Thanks!

“N-n-nice mista Sketti Man weawwy gib sketties to Ivy?”

“Ivy, huh? You and your babies got a human momma or daddy, little girl?”

*sniff* “Daddeh…Daddeh nu wan’ Ivy when Ivy hab special huggies at day cawe. Nu wan babbehs, eben though dey aww bestest babbehs! Daddeh make Ivy weave housie, teww Ivy, ‘Gu fin’ Sketti Man!’ *sniff* Sketti Man hewp Ivy? Gib sketties?”

“Aww, no reason to cry, little cutie. You bet you’ll have sketties, enough to make all the milk your babies can drink! There’s just one little thing you’ve gotta do for me.”

“W-wha du Ivy hafta du?”

“Heh…once you’re done eatin’ your sketties, you and your babies gotta come with me, so we can find all of you a new momma or daddy that’ll give you a nice new home!”

*gasp* Weawwy? Sketti Man gib Ivy nyu Daddeh? Nice nyu wawm housie? Fo’ Ivy an’ aww bestest babbehs?”

“You betcha little girl. You just eat up and we’ll be on our way!”

“Ivy wub Sketti Man!”

*peep* Wub! *chirp* Sketti! Mik! Mummah! Wub! *chirp chirp*

*Om nom nom nom*

*yawn* “Ohhh…Ivy su fuww…su fuww hab sweepies, nee’ nappies. Babbehs dwink miwkies an’ mummah hab nappies…”

“In a moment, darlin’. Let’s get you settled into the truck, and then your babies can have a drink. And when you wake up from your nap, you’ll be with your new daddy!”

*yawn* Otay…Ivy wub Sketti Man…Sketti Man gib bestest…sketties… *snore*

Alrighty, let’s just get you up here…hmm…quiet now, little babies, your momma’s just sleepin’. Oh, now don’t look at me like that, friend. Gotta give these little critters a nice cuddle before we get ‘em in the truck. Lets any other fluffies that might be watchin’ know we don’t mean no harm. That bit of sedative in the spaghetti works fast though, don’t it? Stops their hearts dead sometimes…looks like this time she’s just asleep. Well, no matter. Let’s get back in the truck.

Betcha were wonderin’ why this truck had such a big chest freezer if we didn’t have ice cream, eh? Well, it’ll carry this little girl off soon enough, if the sedative doesn’t end up doin’ the trick first. Course, can’t have the little ones peepin’ about bein’ cold, can we?

*peep* *SNAP!*

Wub! *SNAP!*

*chirp* *SNAP!*

Mumm… *SNAP!*

Mik! *SNAP!*

See that? Just sit ‘em down in your palm, hold the little heads between your thumb and your middle finger and move like you were snapping your fingers. Out like a light. We’ll just put ‘em back on momma Ivy there and shut the lid.

Hmm? Try and find the owner? Heh, did it sound much to you like he’d want this one back? Send her out to find me, didn’t he? Anyway, wouldn’t matter, even if he did want her back. That’s the law in our little town. Like I said, we want all the fluffies in our town to have loving owners that can keep ‘em safe. If a fluffy finds its way to me, it definitely doesn’t have one of those. So we gotta take steps. And that’s that.

I remember when we first started up, had a whole fleet of trucks. It was bad then. Buncha feral herds came in, eatin’ up the fields on the outskirts, wanderin’ into town and causin’ all sorts of hell. Got real bad, real fast, before some fella came up with this. Worked like a charm…just gotta keep a smile on your face, have a kind word, give ‘em a cuddle before you bring ‘em in the truck, never let on how it really is, and it worked like a charm. I recall havin’ four trucks workin’ one farm out in the boonies…freezer’d get so full we’d have to run back one at a time and dump the bodies back at HQ for the grinder, and when we’d come back there’d just be more ready for their turn.

Nowadays, there’s just four of us workin’. We all got routes through town we do durin’ the week, and then each weekend we take turns goin’ through the rural areas. Almost never anythin’ out there, unless a new herd wanders up from some other area, and then any farmer who sees ‘em can give us a call and we come out special. Here in town, pretty much all we see are strays and rejects, almost never any born ferals. Some days I don’t get any business at all, and I can’t say I’m sorry for it.

Ah, but now look over here…busy day today! Check out this little purple fella. See, he was watchin’ to make sure things were okay. That’s why we gotta make sure everything always looks good, always. Can’t blame him for bein’ nervous. Half-starved, patchy fluff, down an ear, one leg looks like it got broke bad and didn’t heal right. Thinkin’ this boy was with someone who wasn’t treatin’ him too good. Maybe he managed to sneak off, maybe whoever it was got bored and dumped ‘em. Well, either way he’s gonna get one last good meal, soon as he limps over here.

“Muh-muh…Mista Sketti Man gib sketties? Nu be meanies to fwuffy?”

“Sure thing, little fella. Let’s get you some nice warm skettis and then we’ll get you some help.”

“Huuu…huuhuuhuuuu! Tank yu Sketti Man! Yu sabe fwuffy! Wub!”

“Aw shucks little guy, no worries. Here’s your skettis!”

END