Hei's letter

Dear Nydia,

You were right. I never know how much having you as my friend, by my side meant to me until I was at my darkness and did nothing but spout venom at you. While I did not mean those words, they should've never came out of my mouth, I took you being my friend for granted.

But I was hurt. I've always been hurting like this, hurting for attention by my neglectful and abusive parents, hurting for money due to the mafia's debts being shoved my way, hurting myself as life started to weigh down on me, hurting those that came to support me due to my own fears of neglect and abusive natures of others taking advantage of me.

It's hard to let people in when all you've known is betrayal, and yet I still turned those venomous words back onto you because I thought you were doing the same for me. And yet despite all of that, despite how I still see the world, you with your crow-like wings illuminated my path and at least helped me to change myself for the better.

It took me a while to realize that. when meeting you and getting to know you better, I was happy. I want to still view you as my best friend, I want to lift you up when you're at your darkest just like you did for me, I want to be your shoulder to cry on.
this.

But most of all I want you to seek happiness, because despite all the hardships you've also managed to overcome, you're still here, It's because of you I met Willis and took the step forward to meet others, that's why I'm afraid. I'm afraid of myself relapsing, I know I can't outrun this pouring rain as the darkness inside my mind encapsulates me, as I said I'm so sick of waiting for the sun as my silver lining never comes.

I'm sick of feeling not enough for this world. Sometimes I ask does hope hurt more than giving up? I hate sounding cynical but I've learned to stop chasing miracles and I've started seeing the glass half empty all the time as my silver lining never comes. The monsters, demons that I battle within my head on a daily never stops, with all the labels people put me through, what I put you through, the people I've harmed. I continue to think about it as the thoughts I hide in my brain, I've been holding them down but they continue to twist me violently. It feels like I'm hanging by a thread, thinking that I don't deserve to be saved that I should just let go and fall, let it break under everything unsaid. I've been begging just to let me die because I could not take living with what's in my head. I've asked if I'd surrender to the monsters in me if it'll set me free? I've asked what's the point of holding on like this when no one seemed to care if I exist? There is no agony of being strong when no one knows you're sick, broken. I was so sick of hearing that I should stay when I know I'd never be missed. If you could see under my skin, you'd realized why I held it in, why it's a fight I don't wanna win, if you could see all my abuse and spent a day inside my shoes maybe you'd realize why I just wanna lose. Would anyone believe the hell of being me before I decide to be the dying proof? Asking if I died tonight threw the fight and let it go the weight of holding on being sick of being strong just to end up alone, wondering why who I am has never been enough. Because I've never known what it's like to just feel wanted. This question always haunting me "Am I not worth remembering" "what it's like to be more than just invisible?" only realizing that maybe I'll never know.

I've always felt like a hand-me-down, like a waste of space, the spare wheel in the attic, the accessory to my parent's marriage racked in infidelity, knowing that nothing is permanent and thinking "The hell is wrong with me?" it messes me up thinking the reason why nobody thinks that I'm nothing but a burden, if I was dead then I couldn't be ignored by the crows picking at my flesh.


And it's despite all of this, you still gave me a reason that I should even be alive, you've helped me believe that tomorrow's even worth the fight. That's why I must confess I'm terrified that sometimes I won't make it through the night. But because of those fears, I'll try to bury my personal hell, the weight that you had to endure for my sake, I'll carry it as you pile it on, because I have to be strong, not for myself, but for you and everyone. As you were telling me, I have to hold on, but it's hard.

Lately, I've been feeling so ashamed of myself, hating myself as I sink further into this pit knowing full well what I've done to you. Knowing what I must do in order to see myself in a better light, requires sacrifices, knowing that hope and pushing through this climb will cause me more pain and scars is the price I have to pay in order to finally see what you've saw in me all this time. I have to go through this hell so I can come out a better me.

And because of the torment I've given you, because knowing how much you really meant for me, that I must take whatever punishment that has been ordained to me. I'm a broken husk of a man, that does not deserve the kindness and light that you've given me. Because all I've ever given you back is emotional strain and anguish only to drive the knife further and spit words at you, that despite the pitiful excuse of me hurting, I still said.

- Hei Zhuzi