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- The Derpy’s Speech
- >you are a foal
- >and mommy is talking, so you’d better listen up
- >”Gud fwuffies haf wotsa fwends. Fwends make fwuffies happies when fwuffies haf saddies! Fwends gif huggies ta fwuffies! Fwends pway wif fwuffies!”
- >sounds reasonable enough
- >”Babbehs nee’ fwends. Aww fwuffies nee’ fwends.”
- >mommy walks over to you and put a hoof on your head, petting your mane
- >”Babbeh say ‘fwend’ ta mummah?”
- >oh no
- >you don’t know if you can talk like mummah does
- >what if it comes out sounding all dummy?
- >you’ve barely even said more than a few words in your whole life!
- >well, you might as well start now
- >you feel scaredy poopies, but stop them
- >if you’re gonna do this, you need to be a brave fluffy
- >planting your hoofs in the ground and drawing a deep breath, you muster up the best possible pronunciation you can
- >”F-b-wend.”
- >no, that’s not right!
- >fwend, not fbwend
- >”Fbwend!”
- >wrong again
- >you start to cry into your hooves
- >if you can’t get it right now, you never will!
- >suddenly, you feel mommy pick you up and give you a big hug
- >”Shh, babbeh. Shh. Dat gud twy. You nee’ pwactice. Pwactice.”
- >you don’t understand why mommy is hugging you, since you’re such a dummy for not saying it right
- >but, soon, she begins singing a little song, and you feel happy again
- >mommy makes pretty song noises
- >you wish you could tell her, but you can’t even say “fwend”
- >that’s okay
- >mommy told you that you just need some practice
- >you’re not sure what a “practice” is, or how it’ll make you say words better, but it’s a start
- -----------------------------------------------------
- >you wake up in a soft bed
- >you are Derpy, now a much bigger fluffy
- >and you had a dream about mommy
- >looking back, you really miss mommy
- >but your new daddy is nice, too
- >he saved you from the loud monster that got mommy and the rest of the herd
- >you just wish he got there a bit faster
- >but what’s done is done, and having lots of saddies isn’t going to help
- >daddy walks in, and sees you awake in bed
- >”Oh, hey, Lazybones. Guess you finally decided to wake up. C’mon, I’m gonna give you some more speech lessons.”
- >your name isn’t Lazybones
- >it’s Derpy
- >silly daddy
- >despite this, you follow him down the big hallway into the talking room
- >daddy calls it the ‘living room’, but it’s where you practice your talking, so you call it the talking room
- >oh, and you figured out what a practice is!
- >it’s when you do something lots of times until you can get it to work
- >and while it may be boring, it’s managed to help you talk like a good fluffy
- >daddy sits down in the big Daddy Chair, and puts you on his lap, petting your mane
- >”Alright, Derpy. Are you ready? Repeat after me: Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary…”
- >daddy trails off, waiting for you to repeat what he said
- >you clear your throat just like he taught you to, and raise your head up so you have a prettier voice
- >”Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary.”
- >you speak like the best fluffy now!
- >you even sound like a human!
- >daddy taught you a whole lot of things about how to properly use your voice
- >drink lots of wawas, have lots of sleepies, how to pronounce “hard and soft” letters, and all sorts of other fun things
- >you still have the high-pitched voice of a fluffy pony, but daddy says that just makes you sound cuter
- >it makes you happy when daddy says you’re a good speaker
- >the two of you continue with the lesson, and go through the entirety of the poem
- >when it’s all over, daddy puts you down on the floor, and talks on his magic toy
- >it lets him talk to other daddies all over the world!
- >you’re not even sure how big a world is, but you know there are a lot of daddies out there
- >at least more than you have hooves
- >so that’s a lot
- >daddy talks and talks on his magic box, and you wander off to go play with your blocks
- >you can roll one end over end all the way across the room by pushing it with your sniffer
- >it’s fun!
- >you do that for a very long time, and daddy comes in and talk to you
- >”Derpy? We did it! I finally managed to get us a spot at the Fluffy Conference!”
- >the Fluffy Conference?!
- >daddy taught you all about the Fluffy Conference!
- >it’s where all the smarty humans get together and talk all day about fluffies
- >and you and daddy get to go there
- >”But wait, Derpy! It gets better! You’re going to have a seat with all of the other Senators!”
- >your jaw hits the floor
- >not literally, that would give you ouchies
- >you get to sit up there and talk with all the smarty hoomins, all day long!
- >you’ve never heard more exciting news in your whole life!
- >”Thank you, daddy! When Derpy and daddy going to the Conference?”
- >while your voice may be clear, your grammar is still poor
- >”Today, Derpy. We’re going to board the plane in just a few hours. Hey, you know, we might have time to stop by the park. Maybe even meet a friend or two.”
- >”Fbwend?”
- >”Still can’t pronounce that one, hmm?”
- >you shake your head
- >”That’s fine. Everyone at the Conference is going to think it’s endearing.”
- >daddy scoops you up in his arms, and the two of you head out of the house
- >wow
- >you’re going to go to the Fluffy Conference
- >mommy would’ve been so proud
- >maybe you’ll take a little bit of sleepies to see her again, and tell her the good news
- >yeah
- >that sounds pretty good
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