Back

Well, I'm back! And so I'd like to give you all an update!

I thought of a few different ways to write this pastebin. I thought at first just keeping things low-key, and writing a relatively brief paste and summing things up. I considered just posting a couple tweets about what I've been up to and what I'd like to do going forward. But it's been long enough, and I figured there would be enough of you that would like to care that I'll actually write a bit more. I'll use a FAQ format (Fairly-sure-nobody-has-been Asking Questions).

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So, why are you back? Didn't you quit?
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I got the itch. Even back when I retired to begin with I wasn't sure that I'd be gone for good. Even as far back as January I found myself thinking about coming back and streaming Starcraft matches. But now I finally am feeling refreshed enough and interested enough that it felt like a good time to come back. Seeing the new wrong warp in DKC2 piqued my interest, and watching Justin achieve his goals in SMRPG reminded me how much I like that game. I've been thinking about it seriously for a few weeks, and then SGDQ this week just stirred up a bunch of good memories. I have unfinished business with some speedruns, and I missed you guys.

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What have you been up to?
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A ton. Even if I had wanted to stream, I wouldn't have had much chance. I've been really busy with my family and at work. We've done a ton of household projects. We had a few vacations and a busy Holiday season. My wife and I binge-watched Cupcake Wars, Chopped, and Cutthroat Kitchen (and it was amazing). I obsessed over Infinity War in the weeks leading up to it and then loved the movie.

I started training to do a run at a marathon in January. No, not AGDQ. Not a speed run. Actually running a marathon. Like, 26.2 miles. I'm up to 9 miles in my training so far and have a half marathon planned for Labor Day. I'm down 10 pounds and am starting to enjoy the exercise!

I've played a *ton* of casual games. I finally got Starcraft 2: Legacy of the Void, so I got all the single player achievements in that. Then I played through all three SC2 campaigns on Brutal. I got 100% completion in Kirby Star Allies, Mario-Rabbids, Puyo Puyo Tetris, and Yooka-Laylee. And I put in over 150 hours into Skyrim. And now I'm playing through Breath of Fire II and am back to working on achievements in FFXV.

(oh yeah and we had another baby so I have 5 kids now)

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Do you have a different perspective?
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Yes, definitely. And I hope that a new perspective is able to help me have a better attitude about things and make streaming into not such a big deal. I think the biggest thing that was a sort of stress for me was that I always felt like I had to be streaming. I mentally set a target of starting a stream by 8pm every night, and then putting in at least 2 or 3 hours. It caused me to neglect some household chores and to rush my kids to bed. I wanted to absolutely maximize the time I had working on speedruns.

And I think a lot of what fueled that was that I *really* wanted to do a run at a GDQ event. Those events are what got me into this hobby and inspired me, and what helped me to meet so many of you. I wanted to do that, and despite my claims to the contrary, I felt like I needed to get into one of those events to sort of validate myself as a runner. This caused me to put way too much pressure on myself to get certain times by a deadline. I'd find myself watching the leaderboards way too closely and comparing myself to others' times - just hoping that I'd pull away or they'd stop working so that I could be good enough to get in. It felt like no matter how much I worked, I just couldn't keep up. And in a lot of ways, that was true. It added a ton of stress and was just a really unhealthy attitude.

Now, I said this before AGDQ18 submissions, and I think I meant it. I really don't think it's likely I go to another one of those marathons (unless they come back to Denver). I just have too much going on with my family, and really can't justify stepping away from them for that long. And moreover, I really just don't see myself being able to put in the time or effort to get good enough to play a game at that level. This realization is actually quite freeing, as it takes a lot of that above pressure off. With that goal (dream?) having died somewhat, I don't have t shoot for it anymore. I can stop comparing myself to others, stop worrying about the progress I'm making, and just plain have fun!

Hopefully these realizations about myself help me to have a healthier attitude and not get burned out so quickly. (and having the aforementioned marathon that I'm committed to in January will only help make sure I don't get sucked back into that right away)

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Why are you back on Twitter?
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A lot of the reason I left Twitter was to remove myself from so much of the toxicity and negativity. There's just so much people trashing each other all the time, and so much cynicism that it was a hard environment to be in. Moreover, it would be hard to not just fish for likes, get jealous of others' attention, or get upset at things I'd read.

But I like a lot of you. And I missed a lot of you. So I just didn't want to cut off really the only means I have to communicate with so many.

But to mitigate the negativity, I'm going to do a few things. I'll be a bit more free with unfollows and blocking than I was before. I'm going to try to follow a lot fewer people than I was. And I'm all around just going to check my feed a lot less. Try to be a bit less obsessive about it.

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So you're gonna stream again?!
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Yep. Not sure when I'm going to start, but it will probably be within the next few weeks. But don't plan on it being as much as it was before. Part of my new attitude is that I am going to try not to put so much pressure on myself to maximize the amount of time I spent streaming and working on games. I'm going to try to be a bit more relaxed about things! I don't think I was ever too uptight on stream or anything, but I definitely put pressure on myself to stream as much as I could at every free opportunity. I'll probably do some kind of DKC2 run at first for the luls and old-times sake. And then I may stream an FF5 4JF.

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When's 39?
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Sometime, I guess? With the new wrong warps (Krackhead and CC), this becomes a time that would very much be in range for me. And it would be a really cool milestone. But it would take a *lot* of work. I'm super rusty. I did a few runs in the last month, and I had times of like 56 and 52. It's amazing how much I've forgotten and how little muscle memory I have left (but first try Brambler and Vine Clip both times... o yea). So I really don't know if I have it in me to put in that amount of work again. I've been dealing with a bit more hand pain lately than I used to, so I might be too old to speed run at a top level now. Unless I learn to stretch or work out my hands better. If I put in enough work to get 39, that would almost certainly get me back to a level where I could get 1:29 in 102%, so I'd have to do that as well....

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Are you going to watch my stream?
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Probably not. I never watched streams much before. I watched them even less while retired. It's just that if I have free time, I want to either be playing games myself or hanging out with my family. If I watch runs, I like to watch them on YouTube when I can pause and such. I'll occasionally pop in from time to time, but don't expect to see me any more than you had in yours or others' chats.

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Coming back to Discord?
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Nope. I can't keep up with it. If I have to use it to have a voice call, I will, but I won't be in any chats or respond much (if at all) to DMs there.

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What are you going to play?
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-More casual stuff. I may do an FF54JF. I like playing games to completion, so I'll probably stream directly from my PS4 as I seek to get trophies on FFXV and FFXII Zodiac Age. I won't stream all the time I play those or try to make YouTube series anymore.
-Starcraft II? Probably. I played a ton of this since Christmas - but mostly single player. I'd like to maybe do some multiplayer again, and if I can get my computer to cooperate, I may stream it.
-Chess?!?! I've kinda started trying to learn Chess, and I may stream myself playing this, too!
-Speedruns! Yes, of course, speed runs. I have some unfinished business. I'd still like to play those SNES pentathlon games (https://pastebin.com/s1vP4EC3). I want to get sub-3 in SMRPG (despite the fact that I alienated half of the community with my thoughts on turbo, I still like the game very much and was very happy to see the new records that Albrecht and Justin were able to get). I want to play the Mega Man NES games. And I may yet go for 39 or 1:29 in DKC2. But since the pressure to get a top time to play in a GDQ is pretty much off, I'll probably take a more leisurely approach to this. (Unless I get obsessed. which I almost certainly will.)
-Another FF9 E2PG?!?!?!?!

But I make no commitments for all or even any of the above. I'm done making commitments with what I'm going to play or what I'm going to stream, or what times I'm going to hit. I'll stream as the mood hits, and play when it seems fun. No further commitment or schedule promised.

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Are you going to retire again?
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Definitely. In a few months? A year? Two years? Five? Only God knows. I may not make as big a deal of it when I stop next time, but nobody can keep this up forever.

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Anything else?
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Well, yes. I haven't made any secret of my Christian faith around these parts. And, in truth, that's a large part of why I was on Twitch and Twitter to begin with. God calls us to be around others, to try to be a light in this world, and to share the good news of Jesus and the hope that he brings.

I certainly didn't hide my faith, but I wasn't very outspoken about it either. That's going to change a bit. If Jesus really is the most important thing to me, I need to talk about him more. I need to be more authentic in that. So expect me to be a bit more direct on that front. I'll share more Bible verses, retweet more Christian thinkers, and try to express more along those lines. I'm not here to try to push religion on anybody. Far from it. But I need to be more sincere about what matters to me. It's too important not to.