Thread 4: Stories 61-75

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >AJ2
"Sombra"
'Applejack'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>LEFT!

*CRASH!*

>No no no, other left!

*SMASH!*

>....wait, hold on, I need to sing my song real quick. Ahem, ~this is your left, that's your left, ~This is your left, that's your left, ~this is your left, you're gonna die!~

"...Grah!?"

>No, I was right, it WAS left, you were going right.

"GRAH!?"

>Right, left.

"GRAAAAAAAH!"

>Now, see, now we're just spinning around. This is not a direction.

'...What in tarnation!?'

>Hey Appkja-whoops. Gotta wait for you to come back aro- there we are!- No, wait, now we're gone again- Hey Apple-No... shoot, this is hard-Hey Applejack! NAILED IT!

'I-is that!?'

>Yes, Applejack, it's exactly what you think it is... Somby the giant white cloud. I found him and Shiny said I could keep him-Whoa, getting dizzy now.

'...M'kay, jus' gonna pretend Ah' didn't see nothin', iffin' that's okay with you.'

>Your call....TURN RIGHT!

*Wall shattering noise*

>Hah! I knew that would stop... you okay, Somby?

"Graaaaaah."

>....NOW TURN LEFT!

"GRAH!"

>WHEEEEEEE!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Applejack
“Luna”
__________

>Luna, about yer’ request for an increase of the Lunar Guards health plans…

“What about it gives thee reason to pause, orange princess? We would like to think the care of our guard would be a top priority here at the castle!”

>Okay. First of all, Equestrian healthcare is free, Luna. Y’all would know this if ya bothered to, y’know, do any figurin’ around here.

"...oh."

>Second, why the need for an increase at all?

“It’s a confounding issue to be sure. Whenever we walk the halls, our guards always whack their heads on corners or else walk right into the walls!”

>...whenever y’all walk the halls.

“Indeed! We are growing worried that this is a symptom, a reverse side-effect of always denying sleep at night. Dost thou think this holds any credibility?”

*Applejack facehooves with a long sigh*

>It’s not a symptom so much as it is an attraction, Ah wager.

“An... attraction? To what, we ponder?”

>How’s the diet goin’ there, Luna?

“Alas, not as good as we’d hoped. Our backside is ever the same size, perhaps bigger! But what relevance doth that… have with….

>Jus’ sayin’.

“Oh fuck thee.”

>Yer’ fault.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >AJ2
"Applejack 18"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>HEY 18!

"Hey 2, what's- CELESTIA FUCKING IN THE SKY!"

>GASP! Language!

"No, fuck that, what in the name of Tartarus is that thing!?"

>He's Somby, the big white cloud!

"Should you really be riding that!?"

>Dawww, it's not big deal! Look, his horm is all dull and not pointy!

"...is that thing crying?"

>A little, he does that sometimes. Do you have time to play?

"No, no thank you, neit, non, nope. I'm going to get to work, thank you."

>Aww well, C'mon Somby, to adventu-WRONG WAY WRONG WAY-

*Window shatters*

"...What is WRONG with this place!?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Sombra
'AJ2'

>Grawr!

'I'm working on it, hold still! How was I supposed to know this stuff drying would have screwed up your floating?'

>Grrgargh!

'I'm scrubbing, I'm scrubbing...how do I clean the weird dark tendrilly parts?'

>...grawr?

'Great, you don't know either, ok, hold your breath.'

>Rawgh-? *glub*

'Hold still, I figure soaking it'll get you nice and clean...almoooost...there!'

>*gasp* GRARARGGLARGH!

'Hey, you're clean now, aren't you?'

>...Rargh.

'You're welcome, now come on, I got other ideas to make you less scary.'

>...raaaargh....

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Applejack
"Applejack 12"
'Applejack 471'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Sooo.... how'd it go?

"The Job interview?"

>Well, yeah. Not like Ah'm gonna ask ya' how yer' day went.

"They laughed. A lot. And then called security. A lot. And then got their asses kicked. A lot."

>Fantastic first impression.

"No, my fantastic first impression was walking in with a smile, and somehow managing to KEEP said smile while the factory owner devolved into uproarious laughter."

>Other Applejack, you got any good things ta' say?

'The floor of the museum looked great.'

>...And?

'And the knife the curator chucked at my head looked very shiny. I still have it, you want to look?'

>...Is that stuck in yer back?

'I didn't want to move it, blood gets everywhere you know.'

>Ah'm not likin' how this is turnin' out.

"Says the pony that did NOT almost get set on fire in front of a vending machine. As opposed to the Changeling who ponies screamed in terror of and ran away from."

'I was actually fine with that, I could see WAY more windows that way."

>Ah' may have ta' rethink mah' strategy.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Applejack 29
“Applejack 18”
____________

>By that dejected look on your mug, I’m gonna guess you didn’t get the sausage, eh?

“And I’m going to assume by the way your dong is dragging to the floor that you got the length wrong again?”

>I can’t help it! Twilight won’t help me get it right, that stuck-up mare. You know she knows how big Shining is, damn it. I bet if I could just get the size down-pat, I’d be all up in some diamonds!

“Buried in diamonds, you mean.”

>I do mean that! To the hilt!

“What? No, you idiot! I meant you, dead, buried in diamonds.”

>You can’t bury dead head in diamonds, 42. Geez, you may want to learn a thing or two about canoodling, might explain why you keep failing.

“...Well. It’s obvious why YOU keep screwing up.”

>Hey, I just had an idea.

“By Chrysalis, here we go….”

>What if we, like… well, you’re trying to bed Shining and me, I’m going for Cadance, right? What say we try each other out?

“Come again?”

>What if we have sex with each-

“Yeah, no, I got that part. I’m more confused on how you think this will help us.”

>Because we’ll both be in our targets form, right? It can only help us understand them better.

“But we’re not them…”

>Doesn’t matter. A visualization can do wonders!

“Honestly? I just think you’re feeling a bit of sexual frustration and want the satisfaction of bedding your target, even if it’s your own teammate done up LIKE your target.”

>...okay, there might be some truth there. A smidgen perhaps.

“No.”

>Oh, come on!

“...is this how Shining feels? Wow. What goes around comes around.”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Applejack
"Shining Armor"
'Cadence'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Hey Shining, what's new today?

"My wife has been experimenting with new cakes"

>...that's not exactly new, but go on.

"They're rainbow cakes."

>Oh, that actually sounds good. Are they edible this time?

"Yeah, try a slice"
He levitates a tray with rainbow cakes.

>Do you keep 'em around just for when Ah visit?

"Uh...no"

Applejack takes a bite.

"They're made from actual rainbows from the rainbow factory."

>Gugh-
She rapidly turns into mulitiple shades of colors before breathing fire.
>SPICY!!!!
She runs off trying to find water.

"Looks like they're garenteed to turn you into a fire-breathing dragon."
He turns around and finds Cadence standing there.

'*sniff* My cakes were...my cakes were...garenteed to turn ponies into a dragon!?!'
Cadence runs off crying.

"No, Honey! It's a compliment!"
He gets a mouthful of cakes and runs after Cadence.
"I luf your cakes! Gah-"
He spews fire.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Applejack 42
"Chrysalis"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>My Queen, I had another question.

"Shoot, I've got nothing better to do."

>How did you get elected?

"...The fuck does 'elected' mean?"

>How did you become Queen?

"My mother was Queen, and I ate her still beating heart and ascended to the next level."

>...That's horrifying.

"I know, it's kind of a dark little thing. See, if my mother didn't love me, then the process wouldn't work, so I had to spend my entire life trying to make her proud of me, and just at the one moment she truly loved me as a daughter, WHAM! My teeth in her chest, and her heart in my mouth."

>What happens if you don't eat it?

"What?"

>If you didn't eat her heart, what would have happened?

"...Dunno, none of my ancestors ever tried it. If I hadn't eaten my mother's heart, I would have been telling her I didn't want to be Queen. If I had done that, it would disappoint her so much, she wouldn't love me anymore, ever again. She would likely kill me on the spot, and my one chance would be gone. It's pretty much a do or die kind of thing."

>Do... do you have any children?

"Nope, and no plans for them either. So long as I don't have any kids, I don't risk being overthrown, and I can live forever. Hah! Bet my ancestors wished they were born in a time with widespread contraception, eh?"

>I-I suppose. Thank you for your time, My Queen.

"Anytime. LOVE talking about my mom. My mom was awesome. Didn't even put up a fight."

>...Hello corner, my old friend

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Applejack 2
"Shining Armor"
'Cadence'
~~~~~~~~~~~

>Aaand, perfect. They're all perfectly stacked!

"Hey 2, what're you up to?"

>SHINY! You're just in time! Look at all of this!

"Okay, I see a bunch of canisters. What's in them?"

>The PERFECT idea. Seriously, I want you to sit down for this, it's that amazing.

"Okay?"

>Okay, and really brace yourself for this, I found the bestest, most amazingist, stupenderous way to make Somby not look so scary!

"More paint?"

>No, Shiny! That didn't work last time. THIS time... you're mind is gonna get blown here.... rainbows.

"...Two, be straight with me. Are those giant canisters full of rainbows from the Cloudsdale factory?"

>Uh huh!

"And is that a really, really big fuse leading away from said cans?"

>UH HUH!

"And is that fuse lit?"

>... mind... blown, am I right!?

"...Blown away, Two, blown away."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Perfection! ABSOLUTE, PERFECTION! This dress may have cost a FORTUNE, but it is going to blow everyone... away?'

She didn't try to move out of the way of the massive wave of rainbow coming towards her. It wouldn't have mattered if she had.

You'd think she'd be most worried about the fact that rainbows stain clothing permanently.

She wasn't. For once, there was something more important than pretty dresses.

Just once.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >AJ2
"Shiny"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Could you hold still for a second?"

>You are the one who put me in a bath filled with bubbles, there was only one way this was gonna end.

"You can play more when I finish scrubbing this rainbow off you."

>Aw come on, I look pretty with it on!

"You look pretty either way, I assure you."

>M'kay! I'm just glad everypony had fun!

"Two, only you can set off a rainbow bomb in the middle of a city and accidentally start a massive festival. I swear, the land will sing of the dancing for months to come."

>Can we do it again next year!?

"To my dismay, yes, this is probably now an annual event."

>..C-can I set off the bomb next time too?

"C'mon, Two, really?"

>...

"As if I would have it any other way."

>YAY! Extra bubble time!

"Sure, I-Wait not the whole bottle! NO!"

>YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THEM, SHINY! WHEEEE!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Applejack 42
"Applejack 29"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>42! Progress report!

"They have taken to shooting me on sight, and there might be a giant smoke monster hungering for my soul."

>...

"I didn't get it either. OH! I do have another thing to report on Twilight, though!"

>...please stop.

"I can't say for sure, and don't quote me on this, but she might be a virgin!"

>I don't want this.

"I know, you two must have SO much in common! Oh! And you might need to have a meeting with 18."

>I can taste my shame from even knowing you, and yet you continue to speak.

"Really now, she is not being a team player at all! I ask for a bit of help in demonstrating just what I'm offering dear Shiny oh Shiny, and she tries to set herself on fire! Really, I don't even know why she was carrying around that canister."

>There is not enough bleach in all of Canterlot to burn away the stain on my soul.

"So, sadly, the Shining-Me-Cadence conga line remains unfulfilled- no I'm not married to that order, they can mix it up if they want, I pretty much go any way- and I am finding it more and more difficult to enter the Crystal Kingdom! But I shall persevere, I assure you, and I SHALL leave my mark on Cadence, and swallow as much... love of Shining Armor's as I can. And OH, dear 42, I can swallow a LOT."

>If someone shot me right now, it would be a mercy killing.

"Tata~ lovie! I'm off to get a good nights rest and renew my mission on yonder morn!"

>...The saddest part of my life, by far, is that he's the only one who fills out the reports.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 *Applejack 2 sits at a desk, singing to herself*

>~Hey there paper how ya doin'
>~That's real good, I'm good too!
>~Let's draw on you with some crayons
>~There's some pink and here's some blue!
>~Puppies, kittens, birds and tables
>~All drawn by me, Applejack 2!

>Ohhhh boy I bet 42'll be real happy with this one!

*Applejack 2 draws a picture of Applejack 42 on the back of the paper and puts a stamp on it. She leaves the castle and drops it in a mailbox*

---------------------------

*Applejack 42 sits at her desk in the corner, a small pile of paperwork strewn around, all reports from 29 with various degrees of lewdness.*

'Special letter for you, Mr. Helmetchangeling!'

"Drop it with the rest of 29's smut, Derpy"

*Derpy drops the letter onto the pile, it floats down slowly as 42 glances at the crayon marks*

"Wha'-"

*Applejack 42 looks over the form, "CHRYSALIS SECRET CHANGELING REPORT FORM, NO PEEKING" in bold at the top. The page is covered in crayon drawings of hearts and animals and waffles and flowers.*

"Well, at least she tried..."

*Applejack 42 places the note in a drawer of her desk, flipping it over for confidentiality. On the back is a crude picture of Applejack 42, identifiable only from the helmet, captioned "Me and Shiny's friend"*

*Applejack 42 looks at the captioned picture with a tear in her eye*

"This one's going on my fridge"

*Another note is placed in the drawer shortly after reading "Note to self: Buy fridge"*

*A post-it note is thrown in that says "Do we even get paid? Ask the Queen about it later"*

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 I'm so sorry ... I just can't not write musical numbers
Melody is Sound of Silence, roughly

>AJ42
"AJ18"
'AJ56'
#AJ471#
*Princess AJ*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Hello corner my old friend
>I've come to talk with you again
>Our Queen spends all day watching bad romcoms
>The ponies shun us like we're living bombs
>And the Princesses, just eat more cake than a thousand mares
>Nopony cares
>About the tears …
>of Changelings

"So you think you have bad?"
"I ain't promoted, I've been had"
"But not by Cadence nor by Prince Shining"
"No matter all my working and whining"
"But that kid 2, they give their time out of every day"
"to laugh and play"
"and cry no tears …"
"of Changelings"

'18, lighten up you putz'
'Embrace the wonder that is butts!'
'Flowerplot and Spoony's first in class'
'Back here Apple-, Sun- and Moon-stamped ass'
'Can't hardly choose, between whose glutes I will recline'
'Dem plots be fine'
'Not like the rears …'
'of Changelings'

*Hay y'all, what's with all the frowns?*
'Beats me, sweet cheeks, they're in the downs.'
>I'm sick of fighting for a useless queen!
"Nopony wants to go to bed with me!"
#I don't know why, nopony lets me see the crystal train!#
'… I can't complain!'
...
*Ain't enough cake*
*… to deal with Changelings*

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Applejack
"Rainbow Dash"
'Spitfire'
~~~~~
Applejack walks in on a rather exhausted but oddly satisfied looking Rainbow Dash

"Hey, AJ! How's it happenin'?"

>Wit' fire an' brimstone. So what's got you all so happy, surgarcube. Did you start gettin' some from Soarin'?

"Even better than that. I thought about how you told me everyone's got their way of dealing with stress. You and the other princesses have cake, Fluttershy torments Chrysalis, Spike caps knees, Twilight has her godless, abominable, genetically altered horrors of experiments."

>Now ta be perfectly fair, she only needed Spike ta mercy kill one batch. Ah mean how would thar poor thing's ten hooves have supported itself wit'out bones?

"I don't disagree there. But what I'm saying is that I'm not too different from Spike or Fluttershy."

Applejack grins as she begins to understand.

>Ya'll mean?

"Yeeep."

Dash hits the comm button on her desk.

"Oh, Soupe au Lait!"

'Yes, BOSS?'

"There's a guest in my office, please bring us some tea and cake after you're done with the dirty laundry. Oh, and remember: it's Mistress Rainbow Dash, do we need to train you with the shock collar again?"

'... No, Mistress Rainbow Dash. I will bring you your cake and tea after I finish cleaning your panties."

Applejack is barely able to suppress a giggle.

"Excellent! And remember, hoof wash only, color safe bleach, and be sure to to clean the crotch with the thongs with your tongue."

'Someday, I will have my position back and you will die for this.'

"And until then, you can clean the toilets and tongue clean our dirty underwear."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Applejack
"Celestia"
'Spike'
~~~~~
'So, what do you think of my new law reform proposals?'

>Ah'm jus' still shocked ya'll did make yer own law proposals. Ah mean this is some heavy readin' ye gave us, both physically an' in content.

"I must agree, Spike. Your idea of punishment is quite harsh! I mean you're suggesting locking ponies up for so much as jaywalking!"

'I know! They're supposed to be!'

"Spike, I these laws are pretty-"

>'Tia, don' say-

"-Draconian-..."

Spike just wears the biggest, shit-eating grin ever.

>Spike... You wrote up a six hundred page series of proposals on law reforms jus' fer a joke?!

'She said it, not me!'

"... I'm going to need two guns for this one."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________