Anima, Ch.55: Unholy Unity

--01-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
"A compromise?"
"I could not have lived as you did, Meara. I would've seen the mortals around me as chattel, as kine, as prey.
I no longer wish it to be so, now that I know...what I've been missing."


--02-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
"You are...my consciousness. I...am your memories. We...need each other."
"We can't go on being divided," I said. "So what do we do?"
"We were one entity once... Perhaps it should be so once more."


--03-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
"So I offer you this: Let us...become one mind again. I will share my past, if you share your future."
"We can do that?! What happens to me then? What happens to you?"
"We will...both cease to be."


--04-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
"In our place, there will be something new. Something greater than the sum of us."
"Who will I be...who will *we* be...after we do this?"
"I don't know. We'll have to figure that out all over again."


--05-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
"...but we'll have all the answers we need. We just have to ask the right questions."
I stared at her suspiciously. "This sounds too convenient... You're not plotting anything sneaky, are you?"



--06-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
"No. No deception," she said. "I cannot lie to myself any more than I could cut off my own limbs.
It is...against my nature.
I can accept this...
This...is the only way I can walk your path..."

--07-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
"I...want to be different. But I can't change my nature. It's all that I have. It's all that I am.
...I can't do it. Not alone."
"You...just want a chance to experience life again, don't you?"


--08-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
"A real life. I never had any...choices in my life," Sariana lamented. "I could not be anything other
than what I was. And if you're not making your own choices, you're not really living, are you?"



--09-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
"No," I said. "You're just going through the motions, like a puppet."
"...But now...I do have a choice."
Sariana closed half the distance between us, and held out her hands to me.
"So, I choose this."

--10-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
It makes sense.
She wants to move forward, but can only look back, and can't see a path.
I'm trying to move forward, too...but without knowing where I came from, I don't know which paths I can take.


--11-- <BGM: Scene 04>
I warily crossed the remaining distance, taking her hands in mine.
"I guess...we need each other. All right...I accept.
We've got a lot of work ahead of us, though... Let's do it together...partner."


--12-- <BGM: Scene 04>
Sariana smiled briefly, then frowned again. "I'm... I'm sorry...for what I did to you...
I didn't know what I was missing out on, and I ruined it for both of us. It won't happen again..."



--13-- <BGM: Scene 04>
"Apology accepted," I said. "Still, what's done is done. We're going to have to start over again.
It won't be easy."
"With my strength, we can overcome anything," she boasted. "Put it to good use."


--14--
"I'll be counting on it."
"Now...let us find our place, out there...partner." Sariana laughed, genuinely mirthful.
Then...everything around us disappeared.
We disappeared.

I woke up, screaming.
--15-- [Scene: Herba Jungle] <BGM: Whisper of Wind>
(Merlin)
What's happening? Did it...did it work?




--16-- <BGM: Whisper of Wind>
(Akule)
Meara? Are you all right?
Are you...still you?



--17-- <BGM: Tale Untold>
I looked around, disoriented, my mind a jumble of unfamiliar thoughts and feelings.
"I... I don't know anymore... But I don't think I'll be burning anything today."
They breathed a sign of relief.


--18-- <BGM: Tale Untold>
I sat up, got down off the altar, then immediately fell to my knees again.
So many memories swirling around in my head like a tempest...so much pain I caused...
I was overcome with regrets...


--19-- <BGM: Tale Untold>
(Akule)
Are you sure you're all right?
You don't look like it...
Maybe you'd better lie down a bit more.


--20-- <BGM: Tale Untold>
"No... I...
I need some time alone...time to think."
I struggled to my feet, and started walking.
"Just let me be by myself...until I sort things out..."
Akule stood aside.
--21-- <BGM: Tale Untold>
(Akule)
All right, if that's what you want...
I suppose you have a lot of...soul-searching to do.
Don't go too far, though.
I will be here, if you need me.

--22--  <BGM: Tale Untold>
I walked south for some time, coming to the river.
I sat on the riverbank, slumped forward, eyes closed.

It may never be too late for regets...but it certainly can be too late to remedy their causes.

--23--  <BGM: Tale Untold>
Everyone that I...that I killed...
They're all gone now...
My reality, gone...!
I can never go home! I can never fix things!
I have to bear this guilt forever! I can never make amends for what I did!
--24--  <BGM: Tale Untold>
Wait...the things I did?
...that's right. I did it. I did all of it. I won't deny it.
But...what am *I*, now? I'm...not sure.
Am I Meara or Sariana? I remember being both of them...now I'm neither.

--25--  <BGM: Tale Untold>
I don't know where one begins and the other ends.
And I remember both their lives as part of a whole...with a long gap in between.
They are...aspects of myself now; one compassionate, one pragmatic.


--26-- <BGM: Tears of Memories>
What do I even call myself now?
...maybe I'll just stick with 'Meara.'
There's too many...unpleasant memories associated with my old name...and it's what
everyone here knows me as already.


--27-- <BGM: Tears of Memories>
Huh. Funny I should think of it that way...
I guess my precursors still have some say in my thoughts and feelings.
I don't think this is exactly what they were hoping for...but this is what I am now.


--28-- <BGM: Tears of Memories>
I lay by the riverbank for some time, going through my restored memories, recalling my life as Sariana,
and the person I'd once been, between the visceral ponderings and gruesome experiments...



--29-- <BGM: Tears of Memories>
In that mental construct where I had become whole again, the palace that had been my home
was empty because I hadn't bothered remembering any of my dozens of servants.
They had been beneath my notice.


--30-- <BGM: Tears of Memories>
I had been arrogant, contemptuous, spoiled, and conceited.
I had a keen mind, but only put it to use for a few select interests...
I knew little and cared less of what went on outside the palace.


--31-- <BGM: Tears of Memories>
I had a sadistic streak, and became obsessed with pain and death...
Father certainly didn't discourage it. It was our stock in trade, after all, being rulers of hell...
Like father, like daughter...


--32-- <BGM: Tears of Memories>
Mother didn't object either, always warm and affectionate, with the unconditional love any mother
would have for their child.
Then again, she *was* a succubus, and I got more from her than her looks.


--33-- <BGM: Tears of Memories>
And it's no wonder my little sister hated me.
I'd terrorized her, threatening to use her as a lab experiment.
Sorry, Azeila. I was a terrible big sister...
I'd just been a terrible person, period.

--34-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
But by who's standards?!
If I'd woken up there without my memories, instead of here in Erinn, would I have thought the same way?
If you grow up among literal devils, is it any wonder you become one?


--35-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
At least here, I have some choices, some agency over my life...
Not nearly as many as I did when I could still pass for an elf and blend in,
but I still have choices...and the freedom to make them.


--36-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
And now I have nothing left to lose, either.
Ironically, that's when you have the most freedom of all, isn't it?

So what do I want to do?
I can't go on living in this world, the way that I am now...
--37-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
I don't belong here anymore.
I have to leave. I have to leave Erinn.
Furthermore, before I go, I feel it's only right that I try and undo some of the damage I've done...
But how?
I need to know more.
--38-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
I need to know what's going on out in the wider world.
I've been completely out of touch for so long that I have no idea what's happening out there,
let alone what I can do about it.


--39-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
As for how to leave...
Souls come to Erinn from other worlds as Milletians. Can't they choose to go back?
I don't have a world of my own to go back to any more...but are there any others I can go to?


--40-- <BGM: Splitting a Gray Sky>
It's been a long struggle to rediscover my past, but I know myself again.
Now, I can finally look forward!
What I need to know now is what paths lay open to me...

I need to ask the right questions.
[end of chapter]