10:23 - kaboom. kaboom.
ok so hi. i was just down in guidance due to marcus and maria's inability to take simple jokes. guess joe and i can't mess with them next period like we planned. rippp.
but that suicide train thing was hilarious earlier. nooses hanging on a bus.
be a puppet on a string hangin' from a fuckin' tree.
but hype for next period. food and joe. FOOD and JOE. two great, great, happy things.
joe = the main source of all my emotions.
when joe is happy, i'm ecstatic. when joe is upset, i feel down. my state of mind is very dependent on his. since i love him and always care about how he's feeling, his feelings will be the center of my life.
i love when he's affectionate. makes me feel loved and ready to give love. all the affection he needs. my adorable giant. my cute, bashful prince. the man of my dreams. the one guy who can solve all of my problems and insecurities. the guy who i just want to spend all my time with. the guy i miss even when he's gone for a short period of time. the only thing on this planet that i feel like he's halfway across the world when he's only a mile away.
babe.. i know you're in band right now and you're still in the same building as me and i only saw you like 25 minutes ago... but i miss you already and i want you by my side.
so that i'll never feel alone,
again.
i've never felt alone knowing that he's mine. i can't remember the last time i actually felt alone. those days seem so far back in history now. did they even exist? or is it these times that feel unreal? feeling so good that it's so hard to believe it's actually happening.
and that last sentence is basically how i felt on four two three. two days ago.
hard to believe that's already in the past now, damn.
let's not get explicit right now, but literally every single thing that happened on four two three felt like a dream. like, i never ever deserved this. after feeling unwanted and so useless and undeserving for so long, sometimes my mind tries to deny it ever happened and that it was just an illusion. that it was only another dream.
but it's all real. i really do have an affectionate guy who actually loves me and thinks i am actually attractive. it's like who knew. and hell, a guy who can quote and reference john mayer. beautiful. absolute perfection.
you got criticism about joe? shut the fuck up. i don't see who could ever be better. i don't even think that's possible. there is no one better. that's just utter retardation. i have someone who i can connect to in every single way.
our minds are linked. we usually can figure out what the other is thinking just from facial expressions. and i can always predict his reactions and his thoughts. i know what makes him smile and what makes him happy and what makes him blush. i got a little physical and cute with him in web design today so i can see him smile. that smile is priceless. really, if there was a price tag on there; i'd probably kiss it off.
gotta get off the treadmill.
the "it's time to stop" button.
6 more minutes till i can see joe and EAT.
i'm proud of myself for writing more fluff. i did tell him i would, so i followed through.
it came naturally though. the hype for next period and knowing i'm gonna see him again gets me so lovestruck.
baby...
i love you.
i love you, i love you, i love you.
i love you so much.
also hype for four three zero. we're thinking it will happen, but nothing's for sure yet. we'll see if the stars are still on my side. even if it doesn't happen, the stars might be planning something bigger.
the purple sunset of four two three made me reflect a lot and now i constantly talk about the stars and nature being the cause of my luck or misfortune.
lately it's been luck. pure, pure, luck.
and damn my thighs feel weird. needa get some food in 'em, no?
23 spirit, please stay on my side.
these times have been my happiest.
(thought end 10:47)
13:33 - WELP. another half a period to write in my diary.
neato. *fistbumps*
*fistbumps baby berg*
thank god for baby berg so that berg wasn't here yesterday, isn't here today, and won't be here tomorrow.
while writing that i was interrupted in order to write my name on the packet that i did not write my name on. it was our classwork packet, but counts as two homeworks. i was the first to finish it, somehow. probably because i did it alone and cause i'm not one of these numbskulls.
anyway, good vibes. i dunno how i feel about ms strunk not being here today, though. i hope it wasn't cause her mom died as rumored which would suck cause i have a personal connection with her and would feel bad. and since she's like a really good teacher and person in general, i enjoy seeing her from day to day. although with a sub, we are probably gonna do nothing/near nothing, so i can write more in here. woo hoo.
k so let's talk about urges. let's try and talk about urges without getting too graphic. i'm trying to tone down my notes cause of what happened yesterday. i'll get back to my usual, casual, non-filtered, open minded self soon, just let me say this without getting too over the top. while i was doing my work in this class, my mind kinda wandered off back into four two three territory. now why do i write this down? to keep track.
plus it'd make sense to get urges in this period cause 13:30 was considered the start of 423.
i know his urges probably have gone down a bit but personally mine have been staying strong just suppressed due to the complications from yesterday. i'm gonnaaa start things up again as soon as i think he's once again comfortable, as much as my mind just wants to keep talkin' bout that same shit constantly.
him before me though, obviously. all the time.
he's gonnaa read this though of course but i usually try to disregard that fact because i really want this to be my safe space and feel like i'm talking to myself, saying whatever is on my mind. so EXCUUUSE me if things cannot be catered, because this diary is not catering to anyone but myself.
he will read this and basically there's going to be no not saying certain things just because he's gonna read this. i'm still gonna plot and think to myself and plan and speculate and (COUGHED UP BLOOD SCUSE ME)
nah jk. didn't cough up blood. i coughed up some random shit though. it's kinda weird cause ever since i blew him i have been getting a buildup of shit in my throat. small price to pay though.
yahhh though you see my point... i can basically talk about urges and anything of improperness of the current moment/time and really it doesn't matter that he's gonna read this cause this diary is my coping mechanism and i know he puts up with me no matter what shit i spew into this diary.
raw thoughts. right as i think them, written in their purest, unprocessed forms.
actual. legitimate. thoughts.
that's what this diary is, was, and always will be. there will be no changes to the main principles.
what i say is what i say.
that trump quote is literally the most relevant thing ever.
so yahh it's also good he reads my raw thoughts cause it allows us to have such good communication and for him to know what is really going on in my mind even when i'm afraid to say things. since this is my comfort zone and i can write a lot for a long period of time... it is perfect to use to show him what i truly think.
also of course it's good cause i always think about him and this diary is basically a bunch of love letters to him.
walking to math.
(thought end 13:56)
14:01 - RIPPERONI SUB NEVER MIND WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY. SHE'S THE PHILLIP COMPUTER CRISIS LADY TOO