Instructions for Mobabowl 2024:

We have a bunch of new players, so here’s some quick background on their memes and stuff:

King of Jobbers: a.k.a. Beelzebub. Kneels harder than Vegeta on a regular basis. Also shows up naked one of the times you fight him. Despite being a jobber, his 40-pack abs are 100% natty.

GODete (pronounced Gahd-eh-tay): a.k.a. Siete. He has no friends, and everyone bullies him. Also he gets punched, kicked, and shot in the junk on a daily basis. And he’s really 'tismo about collecting swords. Players also farmed his raid for swords, which then got nerfed into oblivion.

BREADED: a.k.a. Cupitan. Dumb schizo like most of our posters. Also she has gigantic milk truck LIFE and HOMETOWN. And her girlfriend is a furry. And she canonically sold herself when she was uoooh-aged to dozens (hundreds?) of villagers in exchange for bread. But seriously, holy moly look at those tits, Jesus Christ. Even skeegee’s biggest tiddy monsters would be jealous.

Satyr’s Big Meaty: she’s a goat, and the game sort of implies (if you’re a schizo) that she has a dick. Which obviously is a 3 foot-long horse dong like all futanaris.

Phalanx!: the return of one of our classic players from yesteryear. She has gotten a class promotion from Spartan to Paladin, so now she works perfectly 80% of the time instead of the old 70%.


—---Actual tactical stuff begins here—----

Pregame:

1. Sub by condition, and keep the new players out wherever possible. Kenkyuu no Seika Da is a super-sub, so keep him benched unless he is at least 2 conditions better than the next best alternative. Likewise, let Phalanx (GK) play unless T4 Peasant is at least 2 conditions better.
2. Put the RB and LB on their respective corners.


First half:
1. If we get a concession before we score, activate Centering Targets.
2. Otherwise, let Rackam cook, and Stay Blue (™).

Half-time:
1. If we’re winning, let it roll.
2. If we’re tied or losing, add Centering Targets (if it's not already on) and go +1.


Subs at 60:
1. If any new player (besides Phalanx) hasn’t gotten to play yet, put the lads in.
2. Do other subs as normal by whichever non-medal is most dead. Kenkyuu is preferred to be brought in if there are multiple choices available.

At 75:
1. If we’re winning, set mentality to -1 and activate tiki-taka. Park the airship.
2. If we’re tied, go to neutral mentality.
3. If we’re losing, it’s clearly Bubs’s fault for jobbing. Kick Siete in the junk and pray to Bahamut for last minute meme-mentum. Also go +1 if we’re not there already.


Extra time part 1 (90 minutes):
1. Use the 4th sub as normal on a dead non-medal.
2. Disable tiki-taka if it’s on.
3. Activate centering targets if it’s not already on.
4. Set mentality to neutral if it’s not already there.


Extra time part 2 (105 minutes):
1. If we’re winning or tied, let Rackam cook.
2.  If we’re losing, go +1.

Oh fugg :DDD benuldies:
1. Sort by ability.
2. Whoever scored the most recent goal for us, put them 4th so they can bat clean-up like we’re playing baseball. In the unlikely event we made it to benuldies on a nil-nil, let the keeper bat clean-up, since he’s obviously the only one doing any work today.
3. Flip the coin correctly so the other guys get fugged instead of us.




If someone gets a red card:
1. If GODete is on the field, drag the offender next to him. Nobody likes hanging out with him, so this is their punishment.
2. Otherwise, drag the offender next to POZ’D so they can watch him and see what a real winner looks like.
Either way, leave the formation as is. Maybe something nice will happen. (Why would anything nice ever happen?)