Phrisa

This change is something I've been thinking about for the better part of 2 years now, and I've finally decided to give myself the chance to try it. There are a few reasons for the change, and I'd like to take the time to talk about here.

Although I have little interest in streaming at my current point in life, there's something about vtubing that clicked with me on a conceptual level. When the vtubing space really started to grow a few years ago, I felt drawn to the idea of aligning myself with a character. The idea of having full creative control over how I present myself and using the character as a device for self-growth is something I really grew attached to. And that's what motivated me to design Phrisa. I understand that furries have had this kind of thing figured out for a long time, but the idea of something akin to a fursona never really clicked with me personally until I saw it through the lens of vtubing.

So that's the basic reasons for the change; it's a new way for me to feel more comfortable with my online presence and a way for me to work on myself. But what are the things I want to work on and why? Over the past two years, its become more and more apparent to me how much I've stripped away my own personality. And I know the reasons it's happened. Some of it was lockdowns making it harder to connect with friends, some of it is the constant exposure to the burdens and political backlash that trans people have to bear. But I know the most significant reason is something that happened way back in 2017.

Before the first Splatoon came out, I had just moved away from my hometown. I had essentially been living with friends for the past three years, so the reality of being alone was a sudden and awful shock. But then along came Splatoon. I got into the competitive scene, met some wonderful people, and made some of the closest bonds I've ever had with another person. But in 2017, I went through a particularly bad depressive episode. I grew really apathetic and pushed away the people who cared about me most. The consequences of what I had done have hurt me for a long time, but I knew for my own sake I had to continue to push forward. Since then, I've met so many people, and I like to think I've done a lot of good in supporting people in the botw speedrunning community. But at the same time, I continued to grow defensive from that experience. This fear that I would hurt people, or that people would hurt me, is something that has just grown and grown. Subconsciously, I stripped away at how I presented myself, removing the things that made me personable or vulnerable.

To me, there's nothing more valuable in life than to bring something positive to another person. To make them smile during a difficult time, to make them feel important when they feel worthless, to make someone feel cared for. And this is something I think I used to be really good at. But because of the experiences I've detailed, I feel I've strayed very far from this concept I value so much. This new identity is an opportunity to shed the defensiveness and pessimism I've grown and to let myself finally heal those old wounds. To let myself turn back time to when I could connect with people in that way again. A chance to work towards the person I want to be instead of the person I've become.

So those are the heaviest reasons, but I've also just simply felt some staleness and personal restriction with how I present myself currently. As I've explained it to my partner, I want the internet to feel like a "playground" again, where I can feel free to post whatever whenever, without this feeling that it has to be "perfect" or has to be botw related.

With the new identity, it also felt like a good opportunity to let myself have a presence on some different sites. Twitter has been my mainstay for at least the past 8 years, but I don't have a lot of faith in it with the current leadership and recent changes. I do not plan to completely abandon my old accounts, but I'll need a little time to feel out what I'd like to use them for. As an example, my current twitter may become a place I don't post often, but somewhere I check on activity from the wider botw and splatoon communities, while I restrict my new identity to having a more tight-knit circle of friends that I follow.

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading. I'm excited to start on this new journey to seek out a happier and more fulfilled sense of self. Here's a handful of the sites I've made accounts for. As mentioned, I'll still have to feel things out to see what I'd like or not like to use, but the more people I recognize on a particular site, the more comfortable I'll feel with using it

Discord: Will be using the same account but with new name/icon
Twitter: @PhrisaPrism
Twitch: Phrisa
Youtube: PrisaPrism and PhrisaPlus
Tumblr: @Phrisa
Instagram: @PhrisaPrism
Tiktok: @PhrisaPrism
Mastodon: @[email protected]
Cohost: @Phrisa