C would be Judaism - it's old and restrictive, but most of the world
is familiar with its laws and respects them. The catch is, you can't
convert into it - you're either into it from the start, or you will
think that it's insanity. Also, when things go wrong, many people are
willing to blame the problems of the world on it.

Java would be Fundamentalist Christianity - it's theoretically based
on C, but it voids so many of the old laws that it doesn't feel like
the original at all. Instead, it adds its own set of rigid rules,
which its followers believe to be far superior to the original. Not
only are they certain that it's the best language in the world, but
they're willing to burn those who disagree at the stake.

PHP would be Cafeteria Christianity - Fights with Java for the web
market. It draws a few concepts from C and Java, but only those that
it really likes. Maybe it's not as coherent as other languages, but at
least it leaves you with much more freedom and ostensibly keeps the
core idea of the whole thing. Also, the whole concept of "goto hell"
was abandoned.

C++ would be Islam - It takes C and not only keeps all its laws, but
adds a very complex new set of laws on top of it. It's so versatile
that it can be used to be the foundation of anything, from great
atrocities to beautiful works of art. Its followers are convinced that
it is the ultimate universal language, and may be angered by those who
disagree. Also, if you insult it or its founder, you'll probably be
threatened with death by more radical followers.

C# would be Mormonism - At first glance, it's the same as Java, but at
a closer look you realize that it's controlled by a single corporation
(which many Java followers believe to be evil), and that many
theological concepts are quite different. You suspect that it'd
probably be nice, if only all the followers of Java wouldn't
discriminate so much against you for following it.

Lisp would be Zen Buddhism - There is no syntax, there is no
centralization of dogma, there are no deities to worship. The entire
universe is there at your reach - if only you are enlightened enough
to grasp it. Some say that it's not a language at all; others say that
it's the only language that makes sense.

Haskell would be Taoism - It is so different from other languages that
many people don't understand how can anyone use it to produce anything
useful. Its followers believe that it's the true path to wisdom, but
that wisdom is beyond the grasp of most mortals.

Erlang would be Hinduism - It's another strange language that doesn't
look like it could be used for anything, but unlike most other modern
languages, it's built around the concept of multiple simultaneous
deities.

Perl would be Voodoo - An incomprehensible series of arcane
incantations that involve the blood of goats and permanently corrupt
your soul. Often used when your boss requires you to do an urgent task
at 21:00 on friday night.

Lua would be Wicca - A pantheistic language that can easily be adapted
for different cultures and locations. Its code is very liberal, and
allows for the use of techniques that might be described as magical by
those used to more traditional languages. It has a strong connection
to the moon.

Ruby would be Neo-Paganism - A mixture of different languages and
ideas that was beaten together into something that might be identified
as a language. Its adherents are growing fast, and although most
people look at them suspiciously, they are mostly well-meaning people
with no intention of harming anyone.

Python would be Humanism: It's simple, unrestrictive, and all you need
to follow it is common sense. Many of the followers claim to feel
relieved from all the burden imposed by other languages, and that they
have rediscovered the joy of programming. There are some who say that
it is a form of pseudo-code.

COBOL would be Ancient Paganism - There was once a time when it ruled
over a vast region and was important, but nowadays it's almost dead,
for the good of us all. Although many were scarred by the rituals
demanded by its deities, there are some who insist on keeping it alive
even today.

APL would be Scientology - There are many people who claim to follow
it, but you've always suspected that it's a huge and elaborate prank
that got out of control.

LOLCODE would be Pastafarianism - An esoteric, Internet-born belief
that nobody really takes seriously, despite all the efforts to develop
and spread it.

Visual Basic would be Satanism - Except that you don't REALLY need to
sell your soul to be a Satanist...