[PiE] (Un-named Story) Chapter 4: Pinkie PiE

>You are Pinkie Pie.
>Today is your first day in Candyland.
>Twilight keeps telling you that it's not called that, and that it's actually called "Earth," but you can't help but find that a little bit silly.
>Who would want to call their land "Earth?" It would be like calling a planet "Water" or "Sky."
>Sure, there's a ton of dirt on it, but there's also a ton of dirt in Equestria, and at least you guys give it a cool name.
>Nope, you're going to do these folks a favor. They can call their world whatever they want, but you're going to call it Candyland.
>After all, what else would you call a world with so many delicious treats?

>"Now remember, we have a schedule to follow. We can't just go about goofing around today; we'll have plenty of time for that later."
>That was Twilight.
>She's been bugging you for the past hour or so to behave. Apparently pulling pranks on the natives is not something you should be doing on your first day here.
>Nor is eating some of the potted plants, even if they look delicious.
>In fact, you're not supposed to be eating anything for an entire day.
>You, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash are all scheduled to undergo a number of medical procedures so the humans can examine what your bodies are like on the inside.
>You can't remember what the process is supposed to be like, in spite of Twilight explaining it to you at least five times by now, but you do know it involves probes. Butt probes.
>It all sounds cool to you in your head; after all, who wouldn't want to be probed up their fanny, but the fact that you can't eat until after the procedure is a bit annoying.
>You're in Candyland after all, but you can't have any of its delicious treats, and that includes those wonderful little cookie-like bars that Nonny called "Twix."

>Speaking of Twix, a certain "friend" of yours seems to be taking advantage of your inability to eat by waving one of the delicious chocolate-covered treats right under your nose.
>Her name is Loki, a pink-maned green earth pony you met only a few days ago who seems to share your love of good-hearted pranks.
>She takes one of the Twix and starts making slow bites, to tease you further with her enjoyment.
>By now, you're starting to find her a bit annoying - something you rarely ever experience - but fortunately for you, the joke is on her.
>For the next year, she's going to be living with you in the same dorm room, and will be likely be subject to daily prankings.
>In fact, you have half a mind to put a whoopie cushion under her pillow tonight as payback.
>The other half of your mind is thinking about what kind of candy you should eat after your probing.
>You pass a vending machine on your way to your dorm, and your question is soon answered.
>There's a flavor of skittles Anon never brought you, and you just have to try them.

>You begin to contemplate the fact that only a few halls down from where you are going to be living, there is a machine that dispenses candy.
>This alone may make having to go to college a second time worth it.
>You had mentioned to Twilight a few days ago that you had already been to an institute of higher learning, but she is convinced that Acme Looniversity is neither an accreditted institution, nor a real place for that matter.
>As if this "MIT" is a real accreditted institution either, they don't even have a program for the study of theoretical hammerspace mechanics.
>In fact, they don't seem to have any classes on fifth wall theory either.
>You begin to wonder how humans can find such institutions in any way practical for up and coming academicians seeking credible work.

>Soon, you arrive at your dorm room, and are shown around by a resident assistant who seems to rather like your wild pink hair.
>She seems to have a more up-beat attitude than most humans you've met, so you make a mental note to become the best of friends with her.
>This brings up one of your age-old unsolved friendisophical (friend + philosophical) quandries: is it possible to have too many best friends?
>In general, the term "best" generally refers to a single being, and yet you can't help but feel that it is entirely possible and logical for a pony to have perhaps a hundred best friends or more.
>After all, how could you choose between Twilight or Rainbow Dash, or perhaps Applejack, in who you consider your best friend of all of your best friends?
>This new lady, your "RA" (perhaps you should call her Susan, that's what she said her name was), could easily fit into that same category with all of your other best friends, so should you call her best friend or friend?
>And now your brain hurts from all of that thinking. Perhaps it's good that you'll be seeing a doctor soon.

>There isn't much to do in your dorm.
>After putting away the things you brought from Ponyville, you search around the dorm, only to discover that your dorm consists of nothing but a bedroom, a kitchenette, and a bathroom.
>It's probably a good thing that Susan had warned you not to throw any parties in here; there is no way you could fit a decently sized party in such a small confined box of a living space.
>You make a mental note to secure a venue somewhere in town for throwing wild parties.
>Surely, you think, in a city with so many large buildings, there has to be a good party scene.

>"Pinkie Pie, we have to be in the med labs in 15 minutes. Are you almost done?"
>Twilight sure is insistent.
>Still, you can't help but feel as if there's something you're missing.
>A lightbulb lights up over your head
>How could you forget?
"Just a sec Twi!"
>You double check to make sure Loki isn't in the room.
>Noting that she is distracted talking to Susan, you retrieve a can of itching powder from hammerspace and sprinkle a little on her pillow
>A good prank always deserves another in kind.
>Having been satisfied with your work, you toss the itching powder through the fourth wall and into the writer's face before returning to Twilight.
>Today should most definitely be fun. After all, you're getting PROBED!

>The campus of MIT is notably large.
>On one hoof, this means that you will have plenty of opportunities to make new friends on your way to classes.
>On the other hoof though, this means you will have to wait a good half hour before getting probed by your new alien friends.
>And yes, that is indeed a half hour, not 15 minutes. You'll never get over Twilight's need to show up early for appointments, even at doctors' offices.
>Inevitably, however, you reach the MIT medical laboratories, where doctors will be poking and prodding your body with strange machines while med students take note.

>It takes a while for your procedures to come up.
>Rainbow Dash and Twilight had volunteered to be operated on first, leaving you alone in a waiting room with nothing but a few magazines to keep yourself entertained.
>As it turns out, it isn't considered polite to be talking to everyone within a 10 meter radius of you when you're waiting on a medical procedure, even if some of them may be curious about what goes on in the mind of a bouncy pink pony.
>You had to be reminded twice to be quiet before realizing that some people just don't want to talk.
>You eventually find yourself reading one of the health magazines floating around to keep yourself from going insane.
>All in all, you'd have to say humans are a weird lot. They think candy is unhealthy to eat in large doses.
>If that's true, however, you have to wonder why they would make such GOOD tasting candy in the first place.
>You let this quandary battle out in your mind until you are summoned by a nurse for your probing.

>You are brought into a white room with a stretcher and are hooked up to a few IVs, which hurt a bit going in, but do almost nothing to stop your excitement.
>This confuses the hell out of the med students, who are asking questions such as "how is she able to stay so hyper if she hasn't eaten in a day?" and "shouldn't the anesthetic be calming her down?"
>You hear two of the doctors speaking with each other using medical jargon you can't understand.
"Am I ready for my probing?"
>One of the doctors walks over to you with a warm smile on his face and some sort of face mask in his hands that he places over your muzzle.
>"Now you're ready."
>You fall asleep just before the machine collides with your sphincter.

>You wake up.
>You are on the stretcher again.
"Oh my goodness, I fell asleep!"
>"Yes, Pinkie, that tends to happen when we put you under. The good news is all of your examinations are complete"
>Your left ear begins to twitch.
>You know what this means.
"Doctor, could you tell that med student to step a little to the left?"
>"Why would he need to do that?"
"Well, I just woke up, and my left ear twitched."
>"And what's that supposed to mean?"
>Before you can start to explain, an ACME brand anvil falls upon the student's head.