Free Range Fluffs

Gardel, August 9, 2019; 09:15 / FB 54598
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Free Range Fluffs

By Gardel

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My name is Kato, I'm.........asian? don't know from where in asia, the name is japanese but that's because I was adopted by weebs, anyway.

Living in the city you see tons of stray fluffies, the shittier the city the more there are because they can't pay for top-grade fluffy control. These strays are always shit-grade, bad colors, stunted growth and half starved to death. The few good ones might end up in a shelter and somebody adopts them, a big "maybe" but you hear it happens.

Point is, see those youtube videos about people finding stray alicorn foals in detroit? pure bullshit and completely staged, you never find anything like that. Those fuckers make money out of clickbait and views, then return the alicorn to the store for a refund.

But one day I was out in the sticks with some friends drinking cheap beer talking about random shit to pass the weekend since I was too broke to do anything else. And near some trees on the other side of the road I saw some feral fluffies. Big deal right? there are tons of them eating through crops according to the news.

But here's the thing: those wild shitrats? they all looked great, good build and they had prime quality colors, the kind you can take to a store and make bank off it, easily $100 a foal, some way more.

Why the quality? my best guess is that in the wild these fluffies had to optimize. Like I only saw mares with 2 foals each, while urban strays have 5 foals or more. So these ferals must only take the best foals with them and abandon the rest......or maybe eat them? I saw ones on the street eating their babies once. So here the best foals get miwkies, the rejects turn into 'nummies'.

So after a few generations only the best fluffies are around. Sure I saw some brown and green ones, cheap colors, but their physical condition was great. Some shit colored adults still had nice colored foals so I guess eventually good hues trickle down or whatever. We have some very mild winters here meaning that these fluffies have been living here for many generations without a complete herd die-off like it usually happens in other places.

Anyway, next day I went back, alone, got some black clothes to blend better since I heard fluffies are attracted to bright colors. My gear is pretty basic: a hunting knife, some rope, a cheap net I bought at a sports store and 2 dog carriers one for adults and the smaller one for the foals. As I arrive to the place there were no fluffies around but there were some faint tracks. Easy to tell they were fluffies because of the heart-shaped hoofpad with the hasbio logo imprinted on the mud, a leftover from when they were only made by that company.

After around 2 hours of walking down a path I find the nest. I hide behind a bush to take a closer look. The fluffies are of all types and nearly all colors, again not all are great but they are all in top shape.

But despite their build they are still fluffies: weak, slow and their bite is a joke.

Showtime!

"Come here!"

'EEEEEE! MUNSTAH HUMMIN!'

I grab a purple pegasus mare by the neck, it has two foals: a white unicorn with a blue mane and a monochrome red earthie. Fucking jackpot! can sell the foals online and the mare to a store or to a breeder.

Huuuu! wun babbe-ACK!

Next its a piss-yellow pegasus mare with a brown unicorn colt and a pink pegasus filly. Once again I notice these fluffies seem way better than the strays back home, stronger and more robust, even better than most domestics. Guess the wild life really increased the quality of the local stock. Back to this family, the mare has some potential but with that color there's no fucking way I can sell it to anybody so I decide to let it go, that way it can keep making good foals and when I come back next time there will be more to take..........except for the brown colt, this turd is worthless.

But as I bag the pink filly I realize all the other fluffies have gone into hiding.

"FUCK! ok what now? think think........."

Then it hits me, I remember seeing some pest control guy on youtube showing how to bait fluffies the right way.

I take a small piece of rope, tie it around the neck of the mare...

"huuu, nu wike-EEEP!" - it yells after I flick it in the nose

I then tie it to a nearby tree, grab a long pointy stick....

"Come here!"

"Nu! mummah! sabe babbeh! sab-SCREEEEEEEEEEE!"

....and shove it up the colt's ass, then plant it in the ground next to the mare.

"Nuuu! babbeh! mummah wescue! mummah hewp!" - it says while pathetically standing on its back legs, wings buzzing thinking that way it will fly and reach the foal which stands at roughly twice the mare's height, the rope too short for it to be able to topple the stick with its hoofs and reach the foal.

'Huuuu! nee hewp! wewe best fwend? wewe hewd?'
'EEEE! wowest poppie huwties! hewp daddeeeeeh!'

I simply let the cages right there then move behind a tree. Fluffies are so dumb that if they can't see you then they assume you have disappeared forever and its safe to come out. You think this is bullshit? these things cover their own eyes and think they've become invisible...

I wait and in less than a minute all the racket brings the tard patrol: the entire herd shows up.

'Am...am safies?'

'Hoomin munstah gu? yay!'

'Humpf! hoomin fraid o' tuffy! gib hoomin wowest huwties if com bak!'

I let the shitrats celebrate their imaginary victory, and then...

'Fwends! mummah nee hewp! wittle babbeh nu am wingie babbeh! nee com downsies!'

'Whu? y pointy babbeh nu com down?' - says what I assume must be the father, a blue unicorn with a red mane.

'Huuuhuuu! nu can! wowest poopie owies!'

As the rest of the herd gathers around to help free the mare and its foal I throw my net.

'EEEEE!'
'Nu can wun!'
'Hewp! hewp!'
'Doomeh hoomin wet gu!'

I look at them: around 7 out of every 10 foals have good colors and among all of them there's 8 that are designer-tier and could net me hundreds of dollars, maybe over a grand. Same with the adults, some look like prime fluffies for adoption, and if not I can always make money selling them to mills that will breed them to death.

But some of the mares and stallions with plain shit colors have foals that share the same worthless colorations they have, what are the odds the next batch comes out right?. So I decide to help accelerate the process of natural selection....

'Nuuuu! pwase-HURK!'

'cant'----bwe-ties!'

....by hanging those same stallions and mares from a nearby branch.

'nu touch poopie pwace! nu-EEEEEE!'
'SCREEE! NUUUU-HUUUHU!'

Then impale their shit foals ass-first right below them, god forbid they get to grow up and pass their kitschy genes to the next generation.

"Ba-behs! wub---ERK!"

*PRRRRRRRRRT*
*SPLAT*

"EEEEE! wy mummah gib babbeh sowwy poopies?!" - yells the puke green foal, its mother last deed before death being taking a big shit on its tiny face. What a world....*chuckles*

In the cages together with the chosen few there's a white earthie mare with a red mane that's looking at some of its shittier offspring that didn't get a ticket out, crying as the pieces of good slowly burrow into their buttholes and perforate their innards, blood oozing out and dripping into the dirt bellow. I bet crows are gonna have a field day with these wild foal popsicles!

Before leaving I released from the net all the adults with bad coloration but that had given me good looking foals. And indeed after just a month I went back there and the same retards had made new quality foals for me.

And boy did they remember me...

'EEEEE! THE HOOMIN MUNSTAH!'
'AGEN?! NUUUUUU!'
'HIDE YUO FOALS! HIDE YUO MAWES!'

This time I throw the net before any can waddle away. Take the good foals, sacrifice the crap looking ones to the snake god Glycon by "anal insertion of tree fragment".

Next month I do the same, rinse and repeat. Eventually the herd saw me as a force of nature, something they couldn't stop, like an elder god or some of that shit that fat goth chick from school wouldn't shut up about. Some mares simply gave me their foals, others tried to hide the worthless ones as if I couldn't see the little peepin' turds squirming under their legs and fluff. Some stallions get uppity so I have to kick them in the face, I can tell which ones refused to cooperate last time because of how many teeth they are missing, and how they piss themselves when I show up.

After a year I decided to not take all of the good foals and left a few. I also didn't kill the bad looking foals since odds are some of them carry the good genes their prettier sibblings have, and because their parents are getting old and wont be able to shit more foals for long I better leave some around to keep my free shitrat factory going.

But next time there will be blood...

Needless to say I'm making good money out of this, was able to quit my shitty job at the convenience store and spend my days doing whatever I fell like, all thanks to those free range fluffies.