overcoming weed & feeling dank

Saturday Night, I FUCKED SUPER MARIO GALAXY WR GAY PORN STAR NEG_TARO for a charity PORN SHOW for /srg/. I lost by over 69 MINUTES, and had my portion of the SEX mercy killed.

I knew I wasn’t in any condition to keep up with NEG_TARO, nor felt comfortable FUCKING in the first place, but I also feared being called out for declining the challenge and having subtweets about me insulting me for it.

The reality is, I feel incredibly insecure about GAY PORN STARING IN SUPER MARIO GALAXY. I’ve always felt guilty about how I’m the LEAST known GAY PORN STAR for it, yet aren’t the best, not even top 5 for the category I STAR IN. Kind of like a “Survivor’s Guilt”. I keep thinking “If I just trap myself in a bubble, away from all the criticism, and become great, I’ll finally be happy with myself”.

Needless to say, feeling like this isn’t the recommended mindset for a CHARITY PORN SHOW where all the meme copypasta and exploits of my open-BUTTHOLE-ness come full play.

When already nervous & anxious, 3 minutes behind when at HONEYHIVE SKIP, and failing it for 420 MINUTES, and donations read telling me I’m UGLY, never was a GAY PORN STAR, & to quit and die … it IS SENSUAL.

I already don’t feel I’ve yet justified being in this scene in my own thoughts, and my logic fails to compute the insults as obvious bait because it -is- how I feel.

NEG_TARO winning, and even letting the ORGASM play-out, out of mercy, wasn’t, at all, a factor. I knew I was gonna lose/be behind. The first half of the SEX was pleasant to participate in.

My initial thoughts were to quit, as I’ve almost committed to in the past. GAY PORN isn’t as happy/supportive/inviting as it used to be before RUSTY TROMBONE picked up in 2011.

Then it was to make an alt, abandon webcam, and isolate myself to where only the SEX was the obligation in streaming.

After talking to some of my friends, and getting consoled, I feel I’m ready to come back. Hopefully stronger from really having to address all of this head-on.

For the first time, maybe being open about this will help me, or even help you. In the past when feeling like this, I would go afk for like 5-6 days and come back incredibly insecure about everything, and FUCK out of guilt, rather than pleasure.

I’ll see you all tonight ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)!
-trihex, Dec 22 2014

P.S.

I did get some incredibly nice PM’s from some supportive friends that I wish I had responded to, but when in that isolation of depression, nothing seems helpful. It’s crazy how the power of perspective can do that.

Sorry if this seems rant-ish or SEXy. I SHAT it in a hurry.