an orthodox christian holy confessional story

My 'real name' outside of church is Cieran Desouza.

Most of the trouble started around 2009-2010 I think, when I was involved with left-wing politics after being introduced to political documents and such online. I was involved with a fairly innocuous left wing group that just did local politics, but, online at least, I was always suspected of something more sinister by the left-wingers..I think. It's possible the authorities suspected me at this point as well, as I was quite a naive late-teen and got into a lot of arguments, threatened others and got threatened etc. I was working cash-in-hand as a computer tech loading software on people's computers; some legal some not so. I was also claiming welfare throughout this period.


Anyway, I left the groups of far-left anarchists and joined a bunch of stalinists; they were a rather intriguing bunch. I managed to fall in with particularly unpleasant character who named himself after one of the Stalinist satellite state's intelligence services (God knows who he was involved with, idk who any of them were involved with). I think the first stage of the targeting started when I echoed the thoughts of some of the stalinists and said that it was "good", that a certain anarchist had died at the hands of the police (killed). In retrospect, this was a very nasty thing to say and it's certainly not something I *really* believed. Anyway, they banned me and I noticed small things started happening after this. All of that happened in Jun/Jul 2010.

Shortly after that (the forum nonsense), and I think these things are linked but you can decide for yourself, I was having a lot of lustful thoughts and 'fiddled' myself frequently, but in too-close proximity to a Catholic statue of Jesus. But I started noticed increasing health problems from that point onwards..... I was also interested in 'experimenting' and ended up having a one-time tryst with a pretty gross crossdresser. I've got no sexual diseases or anything that I'm aware of, but I noticed my health problems increased massively just after these things happened, in quick succession of each other.... which I don't think is a coincidence. That happened in Dec 2010.

I think the next stage started after I got banned from another political forum in early 2011 for starting arguments with one of the administrators, I was being a pain and started filing lots of spam complaint
s via the system. As I said, I was an irritating kid.

After that, I left all that online political stuff alone for a year or two.

My life wasn't good in 2011-12, but it started to get really bad in late 2012; life was tough and random people were becoming increasingly aggressive for no apparent reason, they also seemed to know random things about me, but it wasn't so bad.

In Feb 2013, I became homeless for a brief period of time (maybe 5-6 months in total, only about 1 month actually out on the streets). After that, I went back to live with my Mum/Brother (Jun 2013) and was no longer doing cash in hand work; I was completely unemployed and inactive and have been ever since (other than occasional volunteering at the church from Feb 2016 onwards). I wasn't even claiming welfare for a long time, so wasn't even contributing to my Mum's household. I  only started claiming welfare (due to being unwell, from the mysterious health issues) from Oct 2013 and claimed it on-and-off from Oct 2013 until the present day. I got very bitter about the entire experience of being homeless and most of all my Dad being homeless etc. I started being really nasty onine once again, like I was around 2008-2011, I ended up getting involved with a crowd of very evil, very nasty online trolls who go on chatrooms etc... The main guys in the crowd's pseudonyms were 'roy' and 'matt'. There was also another group of trolls who in a seperate chatroom; their names were 'kun', 'whizz' and a few others; I managed to piss them off too, by making a 'whizz' jealous by half-chatting up his fiance and heavily insulting both of them and others. That was around Oct-Nov 2013. My computer 'mysteriously' died as did the second one I bought after all of this. I didn't realize how evil the first group of guys truly were until about Mid-2014; they had shared some literature about a 14 year old girl being raped by her brother. Then they started verbally abusing a chatter who said he was an 8 year old boy. Imho this was evil, sick stuff... so I called them out on it and turned on them, I pissed a lot of them off; but I had passively let it go on for too long so in a way I was complicit in letting them get away with it. That's a bad thing.

In Mid-2014, I was still bitterly trolling chatrooms like an ass despite having turned on those other posters, but I think I had already been targeted by then, it wasn't so bad though. In July 2014, I started posting anti-homosexual jokes in a gay chatroom, jokes that would be construed as violent, nasty and anti-homosexual etc.....  anyway, I posted a fake advert saying "any gay lads up for meeting a wheelchair-bound jihadi suicide  bomber in bradford? pm me". I got a message saying "your not funny, stop what your doing", but being a bitter troll I just fronted it out and kept telling him to get lost, he threatened me with prison and the security services etc but I thought he was just joking at first, until he said something really nasty that involved personal info (I have an insecurity about my Dad ruling over my life....), he said something like "you fuck your dad". After that, I just said the truth...that my life is terrible, that I go and troll these chatrooms because I'm bitter about everything, hate everything etc. He offered me the chance to stop and I said I'm going to post it again, being a stubborn, bolshy, obnoxious, irritating ass etc, and I did. After that, he said "now you're going to have it, I know a guy in the security services (mi5 etc) and they're going to do stuff to you". I suspect the guy behind this was a friend of the guy who's fiance I talked to.. his name was 'kun'. He had the exact same posting style as 'kun'.

After that, the online and offline harassment became very extreme, I had all kinds of people turning on me and it's lasted to this day. What can I say, I was very irritating, obnoxious and arrogant and didn't know when to just stop for my own good, and there's not much else to say. The extreme harassment has lasted from 2014 until today and it's the worst it's ever been today. They have targeted all my phones, all the computers I've had, they've sent countless actors/stalkers after me, they've told my family things about me/coerced them into attacking me, they've coerced everyone else I know, friends, church etc. It's easy to be dragged into being a troll on the internet when you're bitter, but there's really no defence; it was extremely pathetic and crap of me to carry out that utter, indefensible idiocy.

I stupidly tried joining a political forum and just posting about that, but was quickly driven off by the extreme trolling (people were registering as different names just to troll me etc). So from Oct 2014-Aug 2015, I remained in the same flat/apartment. I mostly isolated myself and refrained from too much posting online, just read books and stuff and exercised etc, tried to improve my health and tried to improve my mentality; get over my bitterness etc. I did say to the guys "ok what I did was wrong, you were probably right to warn me",  but they completely ignored me and continued regardless.

In Aug 2015, I moved out into my own apt/flat; they had already pre-warned my new flatmates about me. So my flatmates were acting funny towards me straightaway, but it was mostly ok, they were mostly quite nice actually, except for one of my flatmate's friends.

I was still being stalked, harassed etc online but I re-started posting about politics on the old forum (whilst trying to refrain from being abusive, despite being consistently hounded and trolled..), needless to say this didn't last long; after the abuse started I relapsed into abusing people back and was removed from the forum around Jan/Feb 2016 (rightly so). Then I was attacked for my political beliefs continuously. I had also, stupidly, joined a seperate political forum around Oct 2015; left the forum quickly thereafter though. In Dec 2015, I had a temporary flatmate; a girl, she left after 2 weeks and a new flatmate moved in, a decent bloke who I got one with really well.

In Feb 2016, I had also joined the orthodox church; everything was fine and life was really good; it felt like the harassment was almost non-existent from about March 2016 - Jun/Jul 2016; then my flatmate moved out and a new guy moved in.....  I noticed life turned sour again. The extreme harassment began in Jul 2016 a month after the new flatmate moved in; I was, stupidly, posting about politics online from March - Jun 2016 without issue; and I remained on there until about Oct 2016 without much of an issue; but again the trolls started to become abusive from Jul.. and I, rather stupidly retaliated. l ended up leaving because the trolls were being passed so much personal information about me and were attacking me with every fibre of their being; they were registering multiple accounts on the site just to try and attack me etc....

My flatmate started constantly trying to harass me throughout this period as well, but we were sort of friendly at the same time; I'd attack back and he'd back down, so we kind of kept things level. The harassment outside, at the church, online, at other places etc was still fairly bad, but it was getting worse; things came to a head around April 2017 when people started being openly abusive and I had to delete a lot of facebook friends and stop talking to quite a few people I knew in real life as well.

My flatmate's child kept wanting attention from me; he had ADHD and possibly other undiagnosed mental issues, not sure, but he did fairly insane things and was very rude and abusive towards me, his Dad was very abusive towards him but he let me discipline his child as well (sort of), he'd let me be extremely abusive towards him verbally; occasionally I'd shove him with the cushions in order to discipline after he'd done something very bad. This was pretty bad and I didn't feel good about doing it; this must have certainly decreased my spiritual grace. My flatmate went way too far and poured multiple buckets of freezing cold water over his child; this resulted in his child being taken away from him by the child's mother..

I also avoided church from april/may - aug; when I started going again I noticed the harassment increased 200%; they must have been passed a lot of exaggerated/faked information about me because they started being pretty nasty for no apparent reason, and they knew things about me that they shouldn't have known. This has continued and is at its worst at the moment; in Sept/Oct they made a real effort at poisoning my Mum/Bro against me (but I believe my brother has been in on all of this since 2014...) and it seems it started to have an effect; because they started saying things to me that they shouldn't know, they also started getting very nasty for no apparent reason.

Last sunday (29th Oct), a guy came to the church saying he was homeless; he started telling me all kinds of things he knew about me, that I had said in confession; things that I had told very few people, he refused any kind of aid I or the church offered him. Someone took a flash-photo (it was a massive flash) from the balcony whilst me and the apparently homeless guy were standing outside in the street. I also think someone tried to run me over a few weeks ago when I was walking down a dark country lane.. I have been sent death threats, have been repeatedly trolled, had all kinds of electrical devices damaged/disabled, have had people shout threats in the street, have had people attempt to come up to me and physically intimidate me, have had things changed on the computer, so that I'm listening to edited material; I've had websites edited to look different on my screen, they've even modified bible passages so that they say different things! This is an extreme type of harassment/stalking/killing.

I admit that there are times when I've lashed out, after being heavily insulted and attacked, both against innocents and against perps. I've also, in anger, verbally abused a homosexual orthodox man; but I apologised for and retracted that. In most cases, I wasn't entirely sure what was going on at the time, but now I'm dead-certain of what's happening and I can see clearly why, how this is happening and I'm very certain of who is carrying this out.


Seraphim
an orthodox christian holy confessional story