jokes 041015

I was uncharacteristally high the other day to the point where watching my friends talking felt like I was watching a very awkward sitcom. I should clarify- it is not uncharacteristic for me to be high, I was just way higher than I typically get. I broke through my marijuana glass ceiling. I was the Mary Tyler Moore of stoned. Talk about loud; my fucking eardrums exploded. I wanted to leave the room and explore the world, equipped with this beautiful mindset, but unfortunately I couldn’t figure out how to set the DVR to record my friends and I wanted to find out what would happen at the end of the episode. Luckily I came to my senses and remembered that I could just download a torrent of the episode later. Or wait for it to become syndicated on Netflix.

I usually don’t get all that high. It’s one of the many downsides to being as big as I am. My tolerance to drugs is annoying. Having never done cocaine, I once tried to buy some from my friend and I only had $20. He sent me away saying that if I didn’t do at least $50 worth it would be a waste. I felt envious of his 5’4’’, 110lb build, but also a little relieved that I didn’t have to go through with taking the coke challenge.

If the “greater than” symbol opens up facing the larger of two numbers, that means that a crocodile is about to eat that number. But that also means that behind that crocodile there is a smaller number about to eat its ass. Math is weird.

I hope there’s no god. Or ghosts, for that matter. I just do a lot of embarrassing stuff when I’m alone, and I would prefer there be no audience. This thought occurred to me earlier today while I was sitting on a toilet, gyrating. I read somewhere that if you’re heaving constipation issues to try rocking, but I can’t remember whether it implied back and forth or side to side…so I just go in all kinds of directions.