work shit

The other night I was at work taking a shit and thinking about life. Then I thought about how I wish my job was the exact opposite of what I was doing. You know, I wish I was taking a life and thinking about shit. Like a pensive hitman. I could never be a hitman though. There’s just no way that I could utilize crawl space. Even if I lost some weight, I’m too tall. I’m tall enough that I hunch over whenever I’m using the stall in a public restroom, because I don’t want to make eye contact with people in the room while I’m wiping my ass. One time that happened to me and the person I met eyes with was my boss at the time. It was awkward; I’m still convinced that that’s why I got fired from that job…that or the fact that I was in the habit of leaving for several hours, returning just in time to clock out at the end of my shift. I guess could be a noisy hitman. Like, I could get paid to kill deaf people, but that’d be a little messed up. Plus if they turned around, I’d be ruined. So anyway, I was taking a shit and thinking about life, and I thought about how many times in my life I’ve taken a shit while at work, and I thought about adding all of those times up and calculating how much money I’ve made throughout my life while sitting on a toilet. I mean, it could include when I was a kid and my mom gave me 5 bucks a week for allowance. I was only earning a fraction of a penny per shit back then, but it all added up. I imagined someone saying something to me like, “that isn’t worth shit.” And then I’d come back with, “oh yeah? Well shit is worth $386.54, so take that.” Then I of course realized that was silly. Then I looked down and saw sunflower seed shells on the floor and I immediately gagged at the thought of someone eating a snack while sitting on the toilet at work. It’s not like we work in an evil sweatshop where snacks aren’t allowed and have to be consumed in private; this person chose to eat their snack while taking a shit and possibly while someone took a shit in the adjacent stall. Then I just got up and left, because I had no more material to work with regarding taking a shit at work.