random bullshit irc log

<Sweatshirt> angst angst angst
<StarBunny> ?
<Sweatshirt> if you're a fan of Harry Potter I highly recommend it
<Sweatshirt> wait what
<StarBunny> You recommend angst?
<Sweatshirt> why was that
<Sweatshirt> why
<Sweatshirt> the second message was
<Sweatshirt> the message that appeared when I hit the up arrow
* JuliaZSIL has quit (Read error: Connection reset by peer)
<Sweatshirt> i thought the juxtaposition was funny and somehow ended up hitting enter
<Sweatshirt> but seriously
<Sweatshirt> angstttttttt
* JuliaZSIL (~Julia@Rizon-C8149B6F.nycmny.east.verizon.net) has joined
<StarBunny> xD
<StarBunny> What's with the angst?
<Sweatshirt> im fuckin sick of lots of things
<Sweatshirt> i've been considering the reasons behind my original decision to be trans
<Sweatshirt> and it's been painful
<StarBunny> Hm?
<Sweatshirt> most of the reasons revolve around traumatic experiences from my adolesence
<Sweatshirt> i had a lot of negative male role models
<Sweatshirt> and no positive ones
<Sweatshirt> and all my male role models were pretty stereotypically masculine
* Aria` (~Aria@3B294511.321EA79A.FA1D661C.IP) has left (Leaving)
<Sweatshirt> i saw responsibility being heaped onto them
<Sweatshirt> and i saw them taking on unreasonable expectations as challenges
<Sweatshirt> and failing
<Sweatshirt> and when i puberty kicked in for me and i started being male rather than being a kid, i suddenly had a kid brother to be a role model to
<Sweatshirt> but
<Sweatshirt> no matter what i did i wasn't good enough
<Sweatshirt> i took on a job and bought my own car and paid for my own gas through the last couple of years of high school
<Sweatshirt> i did a bunch of extracirricular shit because i wanted to do something i thought my parents might like
<Sweatshirt> i wanted to make people proud of me
<Sweatshirt> but i wasn't good enough
<Sweatshirt> but my sister just kind of did whatever
<Sweatshirt> and everybody loved her
<Sweatshirt> she didn't get an actual job until she started college last year
<Sweatshirt> she fucked around and played guitar while i was working my ass off to pay for the car she rode to school in every day
<Sweatshirt> she got along great with our mom, but our mom was apparently just fuckin appalled by my existence
<Sweatshirt> and so i saw all this
<Sweatshirt> all the responsibility and the unreasonable expectations and scorn that seemed to come with being male
<Sweatshirt> and saw in my sister freedom and happiness
<Sweatshirt> in my mother, unyielding authority
<Sweatshirt> and so i wanted to become more feminine
<Sweatshirt> i became interested sexually in guys
<Sweatshirt> fantasized about crossdressing
<Sweatshirt> wore girly underwear
<Sweatshirt> then everything fuckin blew up and i left
<Sweatshirt> and since i've left i'm not living in a toxic miasma, being hated for being me
* StarBunny nods
<Sweatshirt> but i don't know who i am anymore
<StarBunny> Do you have to decide now?
<Sweatshirt> i'm in the prime of my life
<Sweatshirt> i don't want to make it to thirty and be some fat hairy dude and decide i hate myself because of it
<Sweatshirt> i'd rather make the decision now and remain at least moderately attractive the whole time
<Sweatshirt> i don't want to get older
<Sweatshirt> and aging is way more apparent in men
<Sweatshirt> men get fat and wrinkly and grow facial hair
<Sweatshirt> women just get fat and wrinkly
<Sweatshirt> i think that's one of the bigger problems though
<Sweatshirt> i don't want to get older
<Sweatshirt> i mean i'm not ever going to get any taller
<Sweatshirt> and i'm pretty fuckin short
<Sweatshirt> nobody's going to take me seriously as a guy
<Sweatshirt> i'm scrawny as fuck and i've got long hair and my voice is high-pitched and i'm 5'3"
<Sweatshirt> im just not masculine
<Sweatshirt> and i don't want to be either
<Sweatshirt> but nobody's going to take me seriously as a girl either
<Sweatshirt> i mean
<Sweatshirt> i'm actually taller than many women i see at work
<Sweatshirt> i have no chest
<Sweatshirt> no hips
<Sweatshirt> and my voice is pretty deep for a girl
<Sweatshirt> why am i even talking about this
<Sweatshirt> I want to decide now because I've wasted almost ten years being tormented for what i am
<Sweatshirt> and i don't want that to happen ever again
<Sweatshirt> but
<Sweatshirt> being trans won't help that at all
<Sweatshirt> i'll just get tormented for being trans
<Sweatshirt> and that's actually more likely than getting tormented for being a guy
<Sweatshirt> but i don't wanna be a guy either
<Sweatshirt> most of the men i see when i'm at work are fat rude jerks
<Sweatshirt> and the men's toilets at work are a lot worse than the women's
<Sweatshirt> i know because i clean them pretty regularly
<Sweatshirt> i just don't know what it will take for me to be happy
<Sweatshirt> i mean
<Sweatshirt> except for altering my body so that it looks and functions exactly as a cisgendered woman's
<StarBunny> Will that?
<Sweatshirt> but that's beyond what's possible right now
<Sweatshirt> even with six years of hormone treatment and a sex-reassignment procedure my body wouldn't perfectly mimic that of a person born female
<Sweatshirt> and it would probably fuck over my ability to have satisfying sex
<StarBunny> Look to the future, do what you can for now
<Sweatshirt> but the thing is i can't do anything now
<Sweatshirt> i'm scraping by
<StarBunny> Focus on what can be done now. The rest will fall into place
<Sweatshirt> THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT TRANS SHIT
<Sweatshirt> nothing that won't make me miserable in other ways
<Sweatshirt> if I start working full-time I'll get benefits from walgreens and also have a lot more money to spend
<Sweatshirt> but I wouldn't have nearly as much down-time
<Sweatshirt> I'd be working around the fuckin clock
<StarBunny> I hope whatever choice you make makes you feel better
<Sweatshirt> and I'd also be sacrificing any chance at ever making a living out of my drawing
<Sweatshirt> to work a job i hate
<Sweatshirt> just so i can pay for hormones
<Sweatshirt> it's tempting
<Sweatshirt> but not tempting enough
* StarBunny nods
<Sweatshirt> i just
<Sweatshirt> want
<Sweatshirt> to do shit
<Sweatshirt> but only certain shit
<Sweatshirt> and i'm sick of other people expecting me to do shit i don't want to do
* StarBunny nods
<Sweatshirt> i want to fuck around on the internet and draw shit and play video games
<Sweatshirt> i don't want to stand behind a stupid counter and wait for stupid people to ask me to sell them stupid stuff at stupid prices
<Sweatshirt> which is exactly what my job is
<Sweatshirt> and i wanna wear dresses and panties and thighsocks and have my hair done up and shit
<Sweatshirt> cause boy clothes are boring to look at
<StarBunny> Agreed a lot
<Sweatshirt> and when I get in bed with someone I want to shudder under them as they try their damndest to make sure i feel good, and when we finish i want them to hold me close and let me know that what we did isn't something i'm going to regret or feel guilty about
<StarBunny> I hope you can find that someone someday
<Sweatshirt> i've associated things i like with being girly
<Sweatshirt> on top of all this i can't help but think i wouldn't even give a fuck if i was just high
<Sweatshirt> but even if i had weed i dont have a bong