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Riki, I'm tired of this. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. Maybe if my resolve weakens, maybe if I start doubting why you left, maybe then I'll hit enter and try for some reason. Every day is a chore. It's a chore dude, there's no joy to it. There's no joy to much of anything anymore because I shared everything I had with you and now it's all tainted. Every time I think about how you love Garrett more than me I cry and I cry and I cry I can't take it anymore. I can't go into the greenroom I can't see you two I can't talk to you I can't take it anymore. Any semblance of friendship or affection I could ever try to build up is impossible. Every time I want to say something I stop myself because it's either something along the lines of I love you or something that reminds me that you two are together now. Any chance I could have of even having you as a friend is ruined. I can't look at you anymore without thinking about him and honestly I hated him before you two were dating and not because we were compared. He stands for every single part of me that I hate and he embraces all of it as if it's something to be proud of. You think I don't want to be a perfect gentleman? You think I don't want to hold the door for everybody and preach treating others with respect? You think I don't want to gently hold your hand and just tell you it's going to be okay? You think I'm going to be okay while you're together? You're wrong. You're so so so so very wrong. I can't tell you how much I want to stab myself. I can't tell you how close I came to jumping yesterday because I can't take going to school anymore. Everything that makes me me has been stripped away and replaced with a loathing and jealousy and pain that I've never ever felt before to this degree. Every single ounce of me wants to scream I love you Riki why can't it be the same why can't you love me. Every part of me wants to ask how long it's been since you loved me. Every part of me wants to say fuck you Riki fuck you for that picture of me after the performance, with me in the shadows and him in the light. Every part of me wants to say fuck you control your emotions sort yourself out if I put this much in and you even loved at all ever you would keep trying but you're not. You never ever loved me. Love doesn't fade. Every section of my atom of my being of my spirit wants to say that you don't know what the fuck love feels like, that you couldnt take a fucking WEEK to just try to undersdtand your own emotions before dating someone else you idiot. You're not even trying to improve, that's the worst part. If you were trying to improve, you wouldn't be dating him because you're intelligent enough to know that there's no fucking way you'll ever improve while you're dating someone like THIS, ESPECIALLY not with Garrett.And I hate myself I hate myself so much. BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE YOU. I spend every waking moment distracting myself from the undying hope that for no reason at all you'll someday walk into my room and I'll just smile and rush over and hug you and hold you and treat you better than I had ever treated you before. I hate the fact that that hope never dies, I hate the fact that, three days ago, I had a dream that you told me it was all a ploy just to get me to toughen up but you couldn't stand to see me suffer anymore and decided to end it. I hate the fact that, no matter how much I know that what you want in a relationship is someone who is consistently happy, and how I could have been that. And how I fucked it up by leaning too hard on you and stressing you out andf not communicating enough and I can't stand it anymore. Every day I hope that I wake up from a coma that started before junior year so I can go through and be what I was again. Just be better. Just tell you how happy I am every day that you're with me because I was. Just tell myself never to forget how much she loves you no matter what. Tell himn to treat edvery day like the gift it is because if you don't you'll find that the love of your life is dating the person you hate most on this god-forsaken planet. And you know you can do it. There's always a way to do it. There's a perfect combination of letters and actions and sounds that I could make and everything would be fixed and you would give me another chance and no matter how much I obsess and scour and hunt I can never ever find the goddamn combination. I can't I can't I can't. No matter what. I've searched every area of my mind for something because I can't take another day of seeing it. I can't take another day of realizing what I lost and how it's right in front of me. I can't take another day of wondering how much time you two spend together, what you've done, if he's less pure than he preaches. I can't take another day pretending that I'm happy and knowing that you see thought it and knowing that you'll only ever want me again if I'm happy. I can't take another day without you with me another day without time that I can spend sharing things with you, another day agonising over my grief and simultaneously hoping you get closer to me and wishing you would leave me alone. As hope leaves my body and despair fills it slowly but surely, I cling everlastingly to the belief that you can love me because I hate the world that you cannot. I hate remembering that if we were both going to die, you would choose to save Garrett over choosing to save me. I can stand watching him tickle you and wathing you smile because you don't like being tickled goddamnit you don't like it.I can't take another dad joke you laugh at another time you sit under the blanket with him and I have to hope despite fear in the bottom of my soul that you're just holding hands. I can't take you losing to him at games because that's what I do. I do that. That's me. I'm the one who was supposed to win but I never do. Even when I told myself. I told myself if there's one thing you have to win it's her. It's her love it's her affection her kisses her stares her dresses her dances her hand. And it's hopeless it's an oxymoron. How am I supposed to be happy like this? How am I supposed to be happy when I see you two together? I can't do it, no matter how much time passes I will never be able to do it. At one point I had prepared myself for the possability that you date him until we move in together. At one point I didn't cry when I thought about the techincal possability that you still date him afterwards. At one point I was okay when I thought about watching you two marry. But I can't do it when I see you two together, I can't. I can't stay happy when I'm with you because all I think about is you two. I can't say anything because all I can imagine is  you two. All these cute little things that you did that made me love you so much and I see them and they're not for me anymore. You don't care what I think of your outfit, I'm not the one you care about impressing. You don't want to go shopping with me anymore. You play games with him now, and ignore me for the most part. How is one to be happy when they've lost everything they take solace in? What has to be undergone before I can regain it? And then, if I make it past the paradox of needing to be happy for you to want me back but not being able to be happy with the knowledge that you two are together, what comes next? You couldn't just leave him and come back to me. You couldn't, it's not in your nature. It'd be so long before anything happened, so long. Even if you started to love me again what would it matter. At this point, you would deny it, hate yourself for feeling butterflies or hormones or whatever you called loving me for a year. You would never come back you would doubt yourself into a corner and just stay with what you knew. Coco. I would have loved nothing more than to see that with you but am I really so stupid that I would think you would go see it alone. There's only really one possability for who you saw it with. A memory formed without me in it and something you treasure undoubtly. Do you treasure our time? Do you treasure your time with him more? Every morning ZI have to wake up to the fact that you love him more than me. Every morning I have to wake up to the fact that you believe there's more potential in him than in me for a relationship. You think he's smarter, funnier, more fun to talk tyo, more handsome, more kind, more worthwhile, more caring and I can't take it anymore. Why didn't you just tell me? WHy? PLease why. Why didn't you just say that you were losing feelings for me, why didn't you just say that you wished I was happier. Why didn't you say any of it? Why? PLease. I would have shown you how happy Iwas everyday. I would have started looking at myself objectively and realizing again how special you are but now it's too late, probably forever. Even if, by some miracle, by some chance arrangement of words and actions and belief that you don't have in me anymore, I got you to love me again it doesn't matter. I'm dead in the water. Even in that scenario, even if I did it, even if I found myself again and started being myself so you could love me again because I'm going to be hoinest with myself I think if I were normal right now and you were normal right now we would love each other so much. Just due to the fact that, for the longest time, we were normal. It WAS just us figuring out how relationships worked, what our boundaries were, all that madness and arguing and learning and everything as soon as it was all done if we were still normal we woulod love each other. But my Aunt is dead Riki my aunt is dead and my future is uncertain and I don't know what college is like and the entire time I was freaking out all I could think about was how much I wouldn't mind being in high school forever if it meant being that way with you forever.Crying, having a mental breakdown because I didn't know about a commute and changing my plans on the fly. It's all so pathetric now, looking back. So soft, so weak, he doesn't know what real pain is. We would still love each other if we were normal. But we're not. And I wasn't happy for you. I wasn't a joyous place to relax and be yourself I was a bowl of reality and complaints about how poorly things were going for me anbd I just want to support and I wished I could have gone with you and all I can think about is us sitting next to the fireplace in the district as I looked into your eyes and decided that I was going to do everything I coiuld to hold on to you. But none of it matters. Not a bit. Nothing matters. It's hopeless for me and I can't stop hoping. I can't stop spending half an hour in my closet in the morning hoping that you'll like me again when you look at me. I can't stop spending an hour in the tub shaving my entire body so you'll be surprised when you come back to me and happy. And every little thing I did every single chore I did every single time you asked me to do something I really didn't want to do I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it I wanted to do everything for you. I wanted to see you smile be happy, like me just a little bit more. Rely on me. None of it mattered. I threw it all away when I got complacent and I want to die for it. None of these words matter. They likely won't be sent to you at all, I'm scared of hurting you. Every second I spent with you was happier than a second spent with anybody else in the world by a very very wide margin. But for the fiftieth time Jordan, none of it matters. It's not a persuasive essay. It's not something she would take into account or care about because plain and simple she doesn't love you at all. Imagine what she sees. She sees someone self-destructing because they love her. How can she be sure? Who really knows what love feels like? It's not like you look at her all the time and think, man I sure do love her. She loves Garrett more than you and this will always be the case, you're nothing you fucking maggot. Every single trait you decided you hated in a person she seems to love in him. Kill yourself. Do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it.It's frustrating knowing that I have the key to make it all better and to rekindle our relationship and having no way to show it. Sometimes I look outside and hope I see your car. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you these things and have you believe me. But it's hopeless. Every day from now on is going to be a slog for you Jordan. Every single day you have to force yourself to be happy so she doesn't get sad. She probably doesn't care that much anyway. She's got Garrett, right? Fuck. I hope she walks is sometime soon. Like an hour later here. Imagining it. You telling me you're ready to give me another chance. I can't imagine a scenario where I don't accidentally break something because I'm bouncing around out of sheer joy so much.