When you hear someone shout at a dog in a foreign language, you can feel how the dog feels in that moment,

Ledger’s joker wanted to watch the world burn because he saw the world as a joke,
Joaquin’s joker wanted to watch the world burn because the world saw him as a joke,

Bald people probably don’t stick their hand out to see if it’s raining cause they can feel it on their head,

Birth certificates are just receipts for human beings,
How and where can i return myself,

When you clench your sphincter muscles to hold in a fart you’re diverting all power to shields,
This is the lamest nerd reference i’ve ever seen, and i’ve watched whole episodes of the big bang theory,

Way back in the middle ages, humans thought their actions and behavior would directly influence the weather, which obviously wasn’t the case, nowadays our actions actually do but people actively choose to deny it,

The most epic sword fight has probably already happened and there’s no record of it,

The teenage mutant ninja turtles are the only crime fighting heroes that wore masks so you could tell who they were,

If two celebrities meet each other, the one with lower self esteem will post the picture,

Foreshadowing is spoilers without context,

For many dogs, their human seems like an immortal being who doesn’t really age and can provide unlimited food,

Toy story, but all humans have died off,
Woody’s immortal gang roams the earth in search of human love that they will never find again,

The voice in your mind can’t get louder or softer, our brains already set the volume by itself,

Sunlight travels 93,000,000 miles to get to earth just to be blocked from hitting the ground because your fat as is in the way,

Grays may be colors that we just can’t see,

Someone needs to invent a microwave which scans the barcode of your food and cooks it the way it’s supposed to be cooked,

People give us money as gifts when we’re young and don’t need it but stop giving us money as gifts when we start to need it,

If the force was real, most people would probably use it significantly more for mundane daily tasks than they would for actual fighting,

You know you’re an adult when pulling two matching socks out of the dryer feels like a huge victory,

Switzerland is a neutral country, but have set the world standard for army knives,

Due to today’s culture, people would only really freak out if the zombie apocalypse had fast zombies,

There are probably areas of google earth that no user has seen/zoomed in on,

Maybe your sleep paralysis demon is actually a guardian for when you’re paralyzed,

We have to add foot pedals to toilet lids like they have on trash cans,

If women really do care about size, then in a hundred years or so years, just about every man will have a big dong due to natural selection,

Tofu and a dildo are both alternative meats,

Scooby doo movies are great because you know the dog isn’t going to die,

Everyone hates amazon for their exploitative and invasive business practices, but at the same time nobody wants to stop using them,

If you pee on yourself and get mad about it, you’re pissed,

If we figure out how to grow coco beans on mars, we can make real mars chocolate,

R 2 d 2 was so offensive they bleeped out every line he said,

If pinocchio told people his nose grew every time he told the truth, no one would know he was lying,

Frick is the perfect word, it can be used in any sentence,

If you’re under 18 years old rob a bank naked and then sue the bank when they show the camera footage for child pornography,

If numbers had feelings, 52861057294727406392746294739373962937381037748400476152847727227910003966282 would probably feel a bit unused,

Spicy is the only taste your butt can detect,

The original emergency number was changed from 999 to 911 to make it faster to dial on a rotary phone, but with a cell phone 999 would now be faster again,

If riley were a sociopath, inside out would make a great horror film,

If you earned $7000 every hour of every day since the birth of christ, you still wouldn’t be as rich as jeff bezos,

Having a toddler in their why phase makes you realize how much you know and don’t know about things,

Wearing pants but no shirt feels and is fine, but shirt and no pants is horrible and feels disgustang,

Maybe the urinals were invented when a tall guy walked by a sink and thought, why not,

It’s surprising that there are no conspiracy theories about the moon being flat, since we only see half of it,

Good morning, good afternoon and good evening are all greetings, but goodnight is not,

Okay is a stick figure laying on its back,

The only thing that’s worse than being ignored by the other gender is being ignored by automatic door sensors,

When a watch dies, it records its own time of death,

One upside of having bad memory is that you can watch your favorite shows all over again,

Your wife is also your ex-girlfriend,

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it,

Even after 106 years, the titanic's pool still has water in it,

Spongebob’s shoes squeak because they’re always wet,

We know our parents for our whole life but they only know us for a portion of theirs,

Flipping a coin and realizing how much you dislike the outcome is more useful for decision making than the actual result of the flip,

Having a cup of coffee thrown at you unexpectedly would probably wake you up more effectively than actually drinking it,

The difference between 4 a m and 5 a m is freaking late and extremely early,

Kids have no idea why their phones make that clicking sound when they take a picture,

Urban dictionary is like an older brother that teaches you the things your parents, wikipedia and thesaurus, think you’re too young to understand,

A bullet does its job after its fired,

I have never seen an alcohol company use a drunk person in any of their advertisement, are they ashamed of their customers,

There, they’re theirs, is a grammatically correct sentence,

Batteries and bra sizes follow the same general pattern,

The day before your birthday is actually your very own new years eve,

Everytime you think about how bad your life is, remember that there are people who are currently spending years in jail for something they didn’t do,

Suction cups suck when they don’t suck, but when they do suck, they don’t suck,

The first thing veggie tales teaches kids is that tomatoes are vegetables,

If the purge was real every school would be burned down every time,

If keyboards came with braille on them, we all could have subconsciously learned braille by now,

The moment someone asks for the board game instructions, you know its getting serious,

The best thing about being an adult,
Not having a bedtime,
the worst thing about being an adult,
Not having a bedtime,

Somewhere in the world there’s an owner of a plastic straw company that’s panicking,

If a person is allergic to cats, they’re probably allergic to lions too, lion allergy, sounds much cooler,

We are more likely to go onto page two on pornhub than page 2 of google,

Showers are great because where else is it acceptable to piss on the floor whilst brushing your teeth,

You’re the last person that’s gonna die in your lifetime,

Having your reading glasses from the dollar store break and you’re not fazed because you can just go buy another pair, or two, is exactly how wealthy people must feel about everything they purchase,

With stark gone, professor hulk is both the smartest, and angriest, person in the room,

Jedi are taken as children and are forbidden relationships, so the majority of them are virgins, nerds,

If you work in a sex shop, there is no n s f w content,

When a baby on board sticker is faded and a little beat up, you know the kid is at least one or 2 years old so the vehicle is safe to ram,

Technically you have never lost a fight against a dragon,

Half an inch doesn’t seem like much until you sit down on a toilet with the seat up,

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars, today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses,
The stables have turned,

The first ninja to be seen/caught ruined everything,

Leonardo dicaprio is wealthier than the man he played in wolf of wall street,

Snoring must have been a trait developed after we started living in a civilization because there is no way you can survive snoring in the wild without being detected by predators,

Corona the drink has killed more people than the virus,

Butterflies and ladybugs are the only two bugs we’d let land on us without fear only because they’re visually pleasing,

Thanks to tinder, the probability that you will see your future spouse for the first time while taking a crap is no longer zero,

It’s theoretically possible that starting now and for the rest of your life, any coin you flip will always land on heads,

The friends theme song never actually explains what way life is,

Harry potter is a drop out trust fund jock that became a cop,

If ice cold water is really ice cold, it would just be ice,

Short people are less likely to break their phone when they drop it,

How many miles have i scrolled with my thumb,

You can smear ketchup all over your body and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop you,

If you had one lasagna, and you put it on another lasagna, you’d still have one lasagna,

Turtles can never have sleepovers because they always sleep in their own homes,

It must really suck to break your arms if you’re deaf,

Someone out there hold the record for falling off of rainbow road the most number of times,