An Apology.

Hey, some pretty big shit has went down these past few days and I'm here in an attempt to explain everything, not justify it.

First and foremost, it began with Michi's passing, which was announced in GS with Michi's brothers wishes being that it remain private, I've never lost a friend before so this all really took it out of me. What followed this the next day was MindCap dming me and asking who it was that passed, his suspicion on who it was, was already present I learned after I told him, me being in one of the worst emotional states I had ever been in, told him and had made a promise with him to just keep it to himself. Before I continue I want to say me being in a bad emotional state is NOT an excuse nor justification to my actions, and I hold that with full accountability. Later in the day I learned MindCap had spread it when he told me Viprin had been dming him wanting him to spill the beans on who it was. Me acting out of pure fear pleaded that MindCap didn't tell him, I really wish I didn't do this as it only further delayed what was coming and made me ultimately look worse, I wish I could go back to a week ago before any of this happened and prevent it from happening. But I don't have a time machine so I can't exactly do that, all I can do is use this to better myself and use it as a massive lesson, before I go further I want to express how deeply sorry to gs, the mod team, all of you guys, and most importantly Michi and his family, I wish nothing more than the greatest wishes and hope for them moving forward from this terrible loss.

After MindCap told Viprin I said my goodbyes to GS and left the server, additionally sending long, heartful messages to Viprin and various other members and moderators of GS in an attempt to express my remorse for my actions. This was all immediately met with friends blocking and unfriending me, which of course, I never blamed anyone for, I had deserved this, I knew my actions and the horrible timing of them, so soon into mourning, who could blame anyone for blocking the person who had disrespected a close friend and his family? Over those next few days I made an effort to reach out to various GS members to apologise and explain (again NOT justify or excuse) my actions. It was met with some good reception with some forgiving, some not but willing to move ahead someday, and some neither, I was starting to feel a bit better about the whole situation and believed the worst had passed on, between feeling absolute guilt for Michi and his family, loneliness and sadness from being kicked from GS and feeling hated by my friends and complete utter hatred for myself, it was clear that there was a long road ahead for me but I was optimistic. I went to sleep slightly happier than past nights because of this.

I woke up the next day, banned from mod chat, I was scared and upset by this so I attempted to dm viprin and pauze about it, to which no response. Fretting that I'd be unmodded I fell into yet another mental breakdown and imagined this was the first sign of being unmodded, I then did something, incredibly stupid. I dmed Pan who I knew had talked to lolwut the day prior about the person who told MindCap and how they shouldn't be in trouble if they were manipulated, while I do believe I was to a degree by MindCap. I certainly wasn't to the degree that I made out to Pan, I made some horrible decisions and even asked him to blame someone else, which I failed to present to Pan as I had deleted it, this was a decision I immediately came to regret, seconds after saying it. once again betraying trust of my friends, out of my own selfish and emotional actions I was selective with what dms I showed to Pan and even deleting some such as "blaming someone else" in order to make out I wasn't in the wrong, this was quite possibly the biggest mistake I faced through this whole thing, and as MindCap had already showed the dm's prior they knew it wasn't the truth straight up and it cost me my mod status. I want to say one more time yes this all happened as a result of multiple mental breakdowns on my end, no it doesn't excuse nor justify ANYTHING I did here.

I understand that actions like this do not come without consequence and I am now prepared to face them, if I am to make any sort of road to redemption, I acknowledge that I must be completely truthful and the lies must end here. Viprin, Pan, GS, the mod team, Michi, Michi's family, and everyone reading this. I'm deeply sorry for everything that unfolded these past few days, I genuinely hope that one day this can be put behind us, I never had ill intent behind this I, however am a very stupid person that made too many stupid mistakes on a high scale.

To Michi, I'll never forgive myself for how I disrespected your life, you will never be forgotten and you will always be an idol and more importantly a good friend to me, I love you man.

I'm sorry, and I hope this one day can be a distant memory to all of us.

-Golden