My Life as a Pink Kagwapo

I'd hit rock bottom. The world wasn't ready for my evolved state of mind.

"No, Edison! Leave that giant squid alone!"

"Put your willy away, this is a family establishment!"

I scoffed at their willful ignorance. Someday, I thought...

But for the time being, I was in a straight jacket in Riverton Falls Mental Ward. In a room full of cushions. While I'm not denying that this was a secret fantasy of mine, just... I didn't imagine the circumstances to be like that. Not like that.

I heard a rattling sound. Turning around, I noticed a familiar face. It was TinyTim! The asian man who whispered (I should say whispers, he continues to do it to this day) his list of tasks I need to complete each day. He had come to rescue me! I cooed childishly as he undid my straight jacket and picked the lock on the door. I escaped from the bad place in no time at all and soon enough I was at the front doors of the mental ward.

"You've disappointed me, Jerry. This is the last time I'm bailing you out." TinyTim said.

"You're right, I deserve to be punished." I said, holding out my wrist.

"Phillip. There's a catch to all of this. They're going to notice that you're missing when they come to check on you in 15 minutes. You're going to have to adopt a new identity." TinyTim explained.

"You don't mean..."

"That's right. We're going to turn you into a [c=red]Pink Kagwapo[/c]!"

"But... How are we going to do that?"

"I know a guy named Jeff. He's the Ratt King. He lives in an alleyway not too far from here. He'll be able to hook you up."

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My body was convulsing in total agony. Every nerve ending in my system was screaming in a hot, searing, twisting crescendo of complete torture. Is this what it was like to become a Pink Kagwapo? I thought. Needless to say, it was the most painful experience in my life. I was turning inside out, and then outside in again, over and over, as my physical features began to radically alter.

"It is done!" Jeff said. "Now, as is customary, you must

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