[REQUEST] Clever Dick - Luck

Neb, I need to speak to you with regards to a request.

>Anon has implausible luck.
>He inadvertently wrecks all of Fluttershy's attempts through incredibly lucky coincidences.
>e.g. He's locked in a cage - it turns out his house key is the same shape as the lock.

Think you could do anything with this?

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>Implausible Luck
Oh yes, Clever, my darling. I think I can.

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>Day Fortune in Equestria
>Wake up
>Shit shower shave
>Walk downstairs to get some breakfast
>Pour cereal into a bowl
>Just as the bowl is filled, the cereal runs out
Well damn. That was lucky.
>Of course it was lucky. Ever since you got to Equestria you've been blessed with supernatural luck.
>Granted, that's a bit redundant to say. "Supernatural" luck. Given that luck itself is a supernatural concept- Oh never mind
>You finish up and grab your jacket from the coat hanger
>Look in the hallway mirror before you walk out
>Your hair is just the way you like it
>Again.
>Without any effort on your part.
>Open the front door
>The mailpony drops a newspaper at your feet the moment you open the door
>Pick it up
>Read it
>"Local human voted 'most sexually attractive creature'"
Oh ok then.
>Throw the paper over your shoulder into the house, without caring what it hits
>Stroll out the front door and lock it
>Look around at the peaceful town of Ponyville
>Sigh
This... This is what I needed in life.
>Put on a smile and walk through down, taking in the warm sun, pleasant sights, sounds and smells, and generally enjoying the morning.
>Something catches your eye
>Look down
>A single bit is lying in the grass
>Grin
Hello there.

1/?

>Bend down and pick it up, pocketing it
Heh.
>Notice another bit a short distance away
>Raise an eyebrow and look around
>No one else has seen it
>Walk over and pick that one up as well
>Yet another bit after that one
>Follow a trail of bits along the ground
>No one has noticed them, just you
>Your pocket feels heavy from all this free money
>You chuckle and follow the trail down an alleyway
>Wait...
>Oh god
>Before you realise how stupid you've been, you are tackled and knocked against the wall of a house
>Fluttershy stands over you, smiling
>"Oh dear! S-sorry, Anon!"
>Growl at her
>"Y-you look hurt! Here! Take this! It'll ease the pain!"
>She pulls out a needle the size of a javelin, dripping with green liquid
>A droplet falls from the tip of the needle to the floor
>It hisses when it touches the ground
>Gulp
Fluttershy, don't do anything you'll regret now
>"Don't be silly, Anon! This won't hurt a bit..."
>She points the needle at your face and starts to move it towards you
>You clamp your eyes shut
>Just then, a window above you opens
>"...THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU BRING THIS SHIT INTO MY HOUSE!"
>"BABE, NO! THAT WAS VINTAGE!"
>A loud crack and a smash make you jump, your eyes bolting open
>Fluttershy is unconscious on the floor, a giant bruise on her head
>Around her body are the remains of a very lewd statuette of a mare masturbating
>The artist put a lot of work into the facial expression and vaginal detail
>The couple in the house continue arguing until the window is slammed shut again
>You sit in silence, looking at the limp pegasus in front of you

2/?

>Lean forward and gently remove the purse around her neck
>Empty it of bits and put them in your pocket
>Carefully put the purse back around Fluttershy
I'll consider this payment for my injuries.
>Stand up and walk out into the street, counting your legitimately acquired currency
>35 bits
>She just gave you 35 bits to watch her get hit by a statue of a mare touching herself
>Today is turning out to be a fine day
>You swagger on down that street, whistling "All Star" by Smash Mouth
>This small victory calls for a cupcake
>You head on over to Sugarcube Corner
>Once there, you practically dance over the threshold and up to the counter
>Pinkie sees your happy demeanour and tries to out-smile you
>Ha. Bitch, please.
>You slam down your bits and grin at her
I wanna cupcake.
>"Sure thing, Annie!"
Don't call me that.
>She bounces off to the backroom while you wait
>Turn around and look around the shop
>Ponies and foals alike are enjoying sugary delicacies.
>Soon you shall join their ranks
>And all will fall before you
>Before you can plan your sugar-fuelled world domination, Pinkie returns
>She hands you a cupcake
>It's awe-inspiring
>She even put a candle in it
>Try and hold back your tears of joy
T-thanks, Ponko.
>"No problem, Annie!"
Don't call me that.
>You gently pick up your treat, take back your bits, give pinkie 2, and leave the store.
>Gotta be responsible with money, these days

3/?

>You stroll back out into the sun and sigh happily
>Nothing could ruin this day
>Not one thing
>You get home later on, with your cupcake and innocence completely intact
>Heh. Stupid readers thinking that something bad will happen.
>See that's the problem with fake suspense, it only pays off if something happens and catches the read "off-guard". But if nothing ends up happening then-
>While you were busy thinking out a long winded explanation to yourself, Fluttershy burst out of a nearby bush and tackled you to the floor
>Damn this bitch hits hard
>Fluttershy stands over you, a massive bandage on her head
>You push her off
>She squeaks and hits the floor, before trying to scurry back on top of you, but you've already stood up
God dammit, Fluttershy. You made me drop my cupcake. I paid hard-earned money for that.
>Fluttershy ignores you, and instead pulls out her javelin-needle again
>Now the liquid inside comes in blue!
>She screams and charges at you
>"YOU WILL TAKE TH-"
>She slips on your cupcake, lying on the floor
>She comedicly falls flat on her back, groaning
>The needle flies into the air
>You watch it with an amused expression
>It reaches its peak above Fluttershy and falls back to earth, point first
>And lands straight in her shoulder
>The liquid empties itself into her and she starts dribbling
>Her eyes roll up and she passes out
>You look around
>Grin
Now now, Fluttershy.
>You turn away from her
Get to the point.
>Fireworks go off in your mind and you smugly walk into your house, slamming the door behind you.

4/?

>The day goes by with you reading and lying around the house
>It's a nice silence.
>No Fluttershy to annoy you
>Eventually, night rolls around and you feel tired enough to get into bed
>You crawl under the covers and slump against the soft mattress with a contented sigh
>It doesn't take long for you to fall into a deep sleep.

>Nor does it take you very long to wake up
>It's the dead of night
>You're on your back, naked, staring at the ceiling
>And your limbs are secured to the bed
Oh for fucks sake.
>Fluttershy stands between your spread legs, licking her lips
>"N-now, Anon. That wasn't very nice, today. I think you owe me some payment!"
>You consider what's about to happen
>Can't say you're very "gung ho" about it
>Sigh
Just get it over with, you goddamn horse. I hope you choke on it.
>She giggles
>"That's mean, mister. I'll have to punish you for that..."
>She leans in to kiss you
>You slam your eyes shut and pray for a miracle.

5/?

> - 35,000 LIGHTYEARS AWAY -
>You are commander Yeir
>Leader of the most incompetent bunch of faggots this side of the Hayrea Cluster
For the last fucking time, Jim. DO NOT PUSH THE BUTTON UNTIL I SAY SO.
>Jim sniffs and stares at you, a vacant expression on his face
>"But what if we get attacked, sir?"
We're not GOING to get attacked, Jim. We're in the middle of fucking nowhere in a secret base only WE know about.
>"But, like, what if we do?"
I swear to god I will snap your neck if you say one more thing.
>You turn away and look out of the window of the control room
>You're on an asteroid
>Which is also a research facility that you were put in charge of
>The weapon you're testing is a laser of incredible power.
>Just point it at a target and it's gone
>And some genius decided to place it on the same asteroid as the retard next to you
>Look at him
>He's picking his nose and playing with this face tentacles
>Slap him
Stop that, you're an adult, for fucks sake.
>"Sorry, boss."
That's 'Commander', whelp.
>"Sorry, Commander whelp."
>Before you can slap him again, you get an incoming message
>Turn away from Jim to answer it
>While your back is turned, Jim snickers to himself and reaches over to the big red button
>He presses it.
>"Whoops."
>You hear the entire asteroid shudder
>Slowly turn around
>Jim is giggling to himself like a school boy
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!
>"W-well we're here to test it, right?"
WHERE THE HELL IS IT POINTED?!
>"I dunno. Some random dark area of space"
>You watch in horror as the laser primes itself, and fires an enormous blue beam deep into space, travelling at speeds that far exceed the speed of light

6/?

>The beam travels across space, narrowly missing suns, planets, black holes and space junk
>By sheer coincidence it travels through an asteroid field without hitting a single one
>It continues its journey for quite some time, until it finally hits a small satellite forged by a long dead civilisation
>The debris, struck by an insurmountable amount of kinetic energy, flies off in a random direction
>It travels at an extraordinary speed towards a lonely solar system with a bizarre celestial structure
>The sun and the moon appear to be orbiting a single planet
>The satellite, incapable of rational thought, due to the fact that it isn't a sentient being, is not perturbed by this most unusual circumstance, and instead hurtles towards the planet
>It hit's the planet's atmosphere and immediately begins to slow down, aided by the unusual magical interference the planet is giving off
>The now burning hunk of scrap soars over the quiet landscape and collides with a mountain, where it then cracks the mountain in half
>A small pebble on the mountain is propelled from it towards a small town near Canterlot
>There it flies over the town, oblivious to it's coming purpose in the grand cosmic scheme

7/?

>You are Anon
>Fluttershy has finished making out with you
>It tasted like animal food
>You hold back the urge to throw up
>"I-I think it's time for my p-prize now!"
>She moves down the bed and begins unzipping your pants with her teeth
>Before she can move on to your boxers, the window next to you bed shatters and a small rock collides with her head, knocking her off the bed
>A shard of glass from the window also cuts straight through one of your arm bindings
>You undo your other arm then your legs
>Get off the bed
>Look down at Fluttershy
>Drag her unconscious body down the stairs, her head hitting every step on the way down
>Open the front door
>Throw her outside
>Walk back inside
>Get into bed
>Stare at the broken window
>Wonder what caused it
>Probably some dumbass kid who thinks he's cool
>You'll sort it out tomorrow
>For now though, you need sleep
>You drift off into a deep slumber once more, this time uninterrupted by rapists or shards of broken glass
>A small smile creeps onto your face and you mutter to yourself in your sleep
Fucking Lady Luck

8/8
The End