[draft] Futaradia Goes Plundering

Aradia had traveled farther from home than usual on her latest expedition, but archeological adventures knew no range bound. Her exploration had taken her all the way to the sea, to a cove somewhere lost in the vast Alternian coastline. Her target was a rumored pre-industrial battleship, shipwrecked here so many sweeps ago there was a good chance it would have rotted away to nothing by now. But the state of the ruins wasn't what made them exciting; it was the thrill of the hunt!

As she picked her way through the cave, Aradia came upon the ruin proper. It was a wreck all right, but in better shape than she had dared to hope. Crucially, the boat was still shaped more or less like a boat. It had a mast! Port holes! Aradia could hardly contain her glee.

As the young explorer picked her way carefully through the surrounding rubble, she was overwhelmed by a sense of time and scale from the thing. The cave was full of the salty stink of sea air, yet the ship itself gave off a strong smell of aged wood and dust, totally overpowering the surrounding atmosphere. Aradia breathed in deeply. It was a warm, comforting smell. Aradia could hardly contain her raging hardon.

She found a suitably stable pile of rocks and rubble near the ship and scampered up them, managing to get a high enough perch to jump onto the deck properly. The whole ship was already tilted at a sideways angle, and she worried for a moment that the wreck might shift underneath her, but nothing moved save a creaking wooden plank or two. She exhaled a sigh of relief. She hadn’t noticed she had been holding her breath.

Exploring any ruin had a certain order to it, a sequence of events that had to be followed according to tradition. The coolest, most important discoveries would be found in the captain's quarters, so that had to be saved for last. Instead, Aradia found the stairs leading below deck, switching on her trusty flashlight to guide her way through the dim interior.

It became apparent that the ship was full of dead Trolls. Skeletons littered the interior, some lying on the ground, others tangled in decayed ropes or hammocks. Everything here had been dead long enough to decay to clean, yellowed bone. But lead the ship to being wrecked here also left it with a full crew on board. The only thing better than a ruin was a tomb, and this shipwreck clearly counted as both. Aradia was overcome with glee, and her ecstatic grin would have been terrifying to look at. Nothing got her motor running like a good tomb.

The tent she was pitching was becoming a hazard down here – with the support beams of the ship and various debris, she was likely to bash cock-first into something. That would certainly ruin the atmosphere and she couldn't have that. Reluctantly she turned around and made her way back to the stairs to the upper deck. She'd take care of herself first, then go back to exploring. Emerging onto the mid-deck she was surprised to find herself face to face with a stranger. An Indigo-blooded Troll, holding a bullwhip and dressed in a brown leather jacket and fedora.

"Woah, who the fu-" began the Troll, before hastily attempting to compose himself. "Uh, I mean, hi there! The name's Indian Ajones, archeologist and explorer! What brings a sweet thing like you out to these parts?"

Aradia silently switched off her flashlight, stowing it. She did not have time for this stranger, there was a ruin to explore! What's more, this was HER find! What business did he have being here?

"Get lost," she said. "This wreck is my find."

"Woah, slow down girl, no need to get aggressive!" He raised his hands in a placating gesture.  "I've been staking this place out for a couple weeks now, waiting to see if a fine lady like yourself might stop on by. And let me tell you, you're the finest doll I have ever seen in this here cave. You dig?"

"First of all," Aradia said tersely, "I climb around in caves and dig through excavated dirt for fun. I am not 'fine' nor am I a 'lady' by any of your standards. Nevermind the fact that we're from opposite ends of the hemospectrum."

"Hey, hey, don't get yourself all worked up," said the Indigo Troll, placing his hands gently on Aradia's shoulders. "I know you and me are from different worlds, but that doesn't have to matter tonight. Sure, I live in gold and luxury while you have to forage in the mud like an animal, but that doesn't mean that true love can't bridge the gap between us."

"I don't think you're actually paying attention," said Aradia.

"It's a cold dark world out there, honey," continued the Troll, "But play your cards right, and some day you might find a cool, suave daddio like me to take you away from all this. In fact, you might just be lucky because tonight's the night you met me."

"I came up here to take care of my raging hardon, not to meet some dude."

"Tell you what girl, I'll make you a deal. Let's both go back to my place tonight. I've got a fancy speedboat waiting not far outside. We can leave this dark place behind, and let our passions be the real treasure tonight. What do you say?"

There was a long silence as the dashing fool waited for Aradia's response. He seemed to finally pay attention to her for the first time.

"Wait, hang on," he said, his façade cracking slightly. "Your raging whatnow?"

"You said you wanna bang?" asked Aradia with a sigh.

"Uh, yeah, in as many words, I guess. Sorry, I've been trying to pick up chicks here for like a month and you're the first person who's heard my big rehearsed speech. What was that about a hard-on...?"

"I've got a bulge," she said bluntly. "Is that a deal-breaker for you?"

"Uh… well, I was kind of hoping for, uh… I guess, I dunno?"

"Don't be a prude," said Aradia. "We all have holes. We all like putting things into holes. We all like having things put into our holes. And the ambience in here is wonderful. So let's fuck."

"Wait, right here? On this wrecked piece of garbage? Girl, this place is nasty. You gotta be kidding me."

Up until now Aradia regarded the Indigo Troll with only a mild distain. He was a schmuck, but she was okay with that. Except now he had crossed a line. He had insulted this ruin, her find, HER archeological site. In an instant she lifted him telekinetically a foot off the ground. He kicked his feet instinctively, trying to scramble away from the hostile lowblood.

"Hey, what the hell!?" he yelled. "Are you doing that? Put me down!"

"Oh, I'll put you down all right," said Aradia, tearing loose her skirt to reveal her throbbing meat. "I don't know if you actually plunder tombs for fun or if you just pretend to so you can pick up chicks. But tonight, you're going to be the tomb, and I'm going to do the plundering."

The indigo Troll yelped as Aradia tore his pants off with her psychic power. The cave echoed with the sounds of their archeological expedition, as secret depths were intruded upon, sacred relics were violated, and multiple priceless artifacts were painstakingly excavated.

All in all, it was a good dig.