[FLUTTERRAPE] Chef Anon

>Day Anger in Equestria
>You are Anon
>Royal chef
>Be screaming at your staff
WHAT IS THIS?!
>You grab a fist-full of mushy potatoes and hold it up to them
>The ponies at the front shrink back slightly
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? MASHED POTATOES?
>One of the cooks steps forward and shakily nods
>"I-It's for P-princess Luna, sir"
>Hurl the mash at him
>It hits his face and he stumbles back, screaming and trying to get the mash out of his eyes
>Turn to the rest of them
WHICH CUM-GUZZLING FOAL FIDDLER THOUGHT IT WAS a GOOD IDEA TO FEED MASHED POTATOES TO ROYALTY?!
>A stallion at the back raises his hoof
>Pick up a pan of boiling grease and toss it at him
>The stallion, as well as several others before him, drop to the floor and writhe in agony as the grease burns them
>Sigh and turn to your second-in-command
Well, at least you don't do stupid shit like this, Windy.
>Windy, a short, scared looking white stallion laughs nervously
>Narrow your eyes
Windy. Is there something you need to tell me?
>He shakes his head and takes a step back
N-not at all, Chef Anonymous, sir.
>Turn to face him and bend forwards, pushing your face against his
>Extend a finger and wipe it on his ear
>He flinches and closes his eyes
>Look at your finger, now covered in red sauce
This better not be what I think it is, Windy.
>He trembles in fear
>Slowly lick your finger, your eyes fixed on him the whole time
>The moment your tongue touches the sauce, your blood rises in temperature and you feel insanity taking hold
>Ketchup.

1/?

>"Well, Anonymous. I just don't know how you do it."
>Celestia looks around at the kitchen
>Bits of pony adorn the walls
>Windy lies on his back on a grill, several knifes poking out of his chest in what appears to be a ritual sacrifice
>A pile of dead bodies in sat in the corner, and a decapitated head has been hollowed out and turned into a jack-o-lantern, merrily burning away at the entrance to the kitchen
>"15 good cooks, gone!"
>She frowns at you
>You shrug
Honestly, this is just as much your fault as it is mine.
>"...How?"
>Stare blankly at her for a moment
Can I have some more cooks?
>"Well that's not up to me, Anon. This is the second time this has happened. I don't think ponies will want to work in your kitchen anymore."
Not my fault none of them can cook for shit
>"You could TRY to contain your anger for once."
Nah. It feels good to vent. Anger makes me creative
>Pull a plate out of a nearby oven
Here, I made this after the massacre
>You hand her a small white plate with a delightful looking treat resting on it, covered in sugar, strawberry jam and cream
>Celestia squeals and chomps on it
>Scratch her ear while she chews
>Her back leg wiggles slightly and her wings unfurl
>God damn horses
>"Anyway, I'll put up an advertisement for new staff. What's for dinner?"
You'll get what you're given, you pest. Now get the hell out of my kitchen.
>You slap two pans together and make "OOGA BOOGA" noises while you chase the goddess out of the kitchen
>She stops just before the door and steals an entire bag of sugar
GOD DAMMIT!
>You hear Celestia giggle madly as she runs through the doors and back to her room, no doubt to engorge herself on raw sugar
>It's a miracle she isn't fatter

2/?

>A week goes by
>You silently make food and mope
>You miss being able to scream at people
>Or ponies. Either one works
>You trained under the most angry chefs in the world back on earth
>Ever since you were little you dreamed of having your own team of chefs to abuse and shout at
>But what is a chef without his team?
>A miserable pile of non-anger
>Sigh
>Hear voices outside the kitchen
>Your heart flutters
>Even if it's not a new crew, you can still shout at them
>You search frantically for your largest cleaver and hold it above your head, ready to run screaming at the unfortunate sod to walk through those doors
>Celestia barges through, followed by 6 ponies
>"Anonymous! I have found you some helpers!"
>You blink a few times
Help...eeeerrrrr?
>"Oh knock it off, Anonymous. I got you a small team to help"
>Look over at the ponies, who are smiling back at you
>"They are strong, willing, imaginative, intelligent, have saved Equestria numerous times and are ready to help you!"
Can they cook?
>"How the hell should I know?"
>Celestia laughs and trots into the store rooms to steal more snacks
>You watch her go and look back to the group
>The purple one steps forward
>"Good morning, sir! My name is Twilight Sparkle, person student of Celestia!"
Can you make food?
>"Well... Uhh... I can make toast!"
>She beams at you
>You smile back at her and grip the handle of your cleaver harder
>Her skull would make a nice mop bucket
>Just then the pink one and the orange one step forward, the pink one bouncing right up to you and giggling
>"Oh! Oh! I can cook! I can cook anything!"
Oh, wonderful! Then be a dear and put together some caramelized pears with cheese soufflé and a side dish of oriental sauces, please. You have 30 minutes.
>The pink one goes into hysterics and rolls around on the floor
>Stare at her and then back at the orange one
What about you, buffalo bessy? Can you do anything useful?
>"Ah can make apples!"
Anything else?
>She blinks
>"Ah don't understand."

3/?

>Groan
OY, CELESTIA
>Celestia pokes her head around the corner, her mouth covered in chocolate and levitating several cakes near her
>"Yes?"
Get your fat ass out here and get me some real help. These idiots probably couldn't even make braising steak!
>A blue horse flies up to you and begins shouting
>"HEY! You don't get to talk to my friends that way!"
>You bare your teeth at her, showing her your canines
I bet those wings would look great with some seasoning
>Lightly touch her body with your cleaver
>The colour leaves her face and she backs off
>"Girls, I think this guy is crazy-"
>You slam your cleaver into a chopping block, creating a huge crack down the middle
OF COURSE I'M CRAZY. I'M A COOK, GOD DAMMIT!
>The group gasps
>Celestia walks out of the store room, taking half of its contents with her in a golden aura
>"Oh, I forgot to mention, Anon. I told them that they'd get medals in friendship or something if they helped you"
>She stuffs a jam tart down her gullet
>"I'm off to go do political stuff. Cheerio!"
>She trots out, her ass jiggling with each step
>Silence reigns
>Turn back to the group
>Twilight smiles at you
>"So! Shall we get to work?"

>You walk around, eyes darting all over your kitchen
>Once again, busy chatter fills the air, but it's more controlled than what you're used to
>Pass Applejack, who is busy rolling out some pastry
What's this?
>"Apple pie! All ah need now are some apples!"
They're in the store room. Celestia doesn't eat fruit.
>Applejack thanks you and dashes off to the back room
>Notice that an oven is running at 300
>Open it
>Pinkie Pie is reading a book with a nightcap on
>"Do you mind?"
Sorry.
>Close the oven
>Wait
>Almost tear off the door
>Reach in and grab the red hot pony
>Your hand burns but the rage dulls the pain
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

4/?

>Pinkie giggles
>Cut her off before she can utter her second "hehe"
SHUT UP. YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO, SO DO IT!
>Pinkie's smile wavers
>"You don't have to be so mean about it..."
>She drops to the floor and sulks, before walking over to a chopping board and slicing up some cucumber in silence
>Rub your temples
>Follow her to apologise
>Prod her
Look, I-
>She melts
>Stare in shock as the pony seems to turn to mush
>A pink puddle on the floor now stares back at you with big blue googly eyes
>Scoop it up and put it in a measuring jug
>Put it in a cupboard and pretend that it didn't happen
>Look around
>No one saw it
>Good
>Stroll away, whistling a tune
>Observe Fluttershy over her shoulder
>She's drawing dicks in the flour
>Clear your throat
>She screams and blows away the flour, causing white powder to fly everywhere
>Fluttershy spins around to face you
>"Oh! Umm H-hello mister Anon!"
>She blushes
>"Come to... Assist me?"
>What.
>She begins rubbing flour all over herself
>Look over your shoulder at the rest of the staff
>Then back at Fluttershy
>She's licking her lips and covering herself in flour
>"Oh dear! I'm so dirty! Looks like you'll have to clean me!"
>You shrug
>Pick her up
>And put her in the sink used to clean massive dishes
>Cover her in water
>The flour inevitably turns into dough
>She squirms, the dough slowing her movements
>You watch with a smirk as she tries to move closer to you, the dough acting like glue and preventing her from doing anything

5/?

>Leave Fluttershy in the sink and go over to Twilight, who is dissecting a bell pepper
You're meant to cook it, not experiment on it.
>"Oh! But I figured out a spell to make them bigger! Watch!"
>She focuses her magic and infuses the pepper
>It grows to 10 times its original size
Woah! That's actually quite useful!
>Pat her on the back
Nice job, twinkle toes. I could fashion this into a dish.
>At that moment the bell pepper shudders
>You and Twilight look at each other
>The pepper violently shakes, and a jagged limb explodes from its back
>The limb ends in a huge scythe
>Another one explodes out of the other side of it
>Arms and legs sprout from the pepper, all tipped with some kind of sharp point
>The pepper then grows a mouth, filled with knife-like teeth, and shrieks
>You wince at the noise and duck as the pepper jumps over you
>It runs into the storeroom
>Hear Applejack scream
>Hear curses and yells of "help"
>A loud crash and several bangs follow
>Applejack runs out of the storeroom, covered in deep cuts and clutching a shattered broom handle
>She slams the door and locks it, wheezing
>Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Twilight rush over to comfort their friend
>They scream at you to help
Seriously? Get back to work, you idiots
>Rarity seems mortified
>"Applejack is injured! She needs help!"
Ehh, walk it off. I once had a guy who lost 3 legs and still got back to work despite blood loss
>You sniff
>You miss Haystack sometimes. He knew what it meant to be a chef
>Shame he died shortly after making the soup
Cooking is a grisly job. If you can't handle it, get out.
>You turn and head back to your post, where you slice up vegetables and prepare a kind of spicy-gravy
>Hear several loud bangs
>Ignore it and keep slicing
>"OH SWEET CELESTIA! THE PEPPER HAS ZOMBIFIED ALL THE OTHER FRUIT AND VEG! EVERYPONY RUN!"
>You hear screams and horrifying roars emitted from the mutant zombie fruit
>Ignore it and keep slicing
>Hear Twilight vapourising things, the smell of burnt fruit and vegetables filling your nostrils
>"RARITY DOWN! RARITY DOWN!"
>"GO ON WITHOUT ME, TWILIGHT!"
>"NO! I'M NOT LEAVING YOU!"
>You reach for a couple of potatoes and start peeling them so you can boil them later

6/?

>After 10 or so minutes, you turn around again
>The kitchen is utterly destroyed
>Twilight is rocking back and forth under the sink
>Applejack is holding Rarity in her hooves
>Rarity is covered in pepper seed and sticky goo
>"Com'on, Rare! Jus’ hold on a lil' bit longer!"
>Rarity smiles softly and strokes Applejack's face
>"T-there there, Applejack... I'll be... F-..."
>She goes limp
>Applejack lets out a long, drawn out "NOOOO"
She dead?
>"Nah. Just knocked out."
>She drops Rarity and gets back to work
>Rainbow Dash is talking way too fast
>"And did you see what I did to that orange?! Ohmygosh it was SO COOL!"
I don't care.
>"I know right! I'm SO. AWESOME!"
>She squeals, flies out the backdoor, and starts pleasuring herself
>You know that she does that, because you can hear her grunting and saying her own name over and over again
>Fucking Cerulean-Flight-Fast-Go-Speedy-Neigh
>You look down and see the measuring jug of Pinkie wobbling and trying to bounce around
>Move it back to where it was
>The Pinkie-Goo growls in frustration
>Move over to the sink to clean your knife
>Look up
>A solid mass of goo is blinking at you
Fluttershy.
>"mmmMGhmmMM."
>Move back to your post and slice up more ingredients in peace, putting a couple of things on the stove and in the oven
>Rainbow walks back in, shudders, and runs back outside after grabbing a cucumber off the counter
>Look at the clock
>It's been an hour.
>How the shit have you lost half your crew in an hour.
>Look around
>Applejack is the only one working, Twilight is just twitching on the floor and not doing anything
>Scratch that, you lost 5/6ths of your team in an hour
>That's a new record of some kind

7/?

>A servant walks in through the doors, look around the room, and walks back out
>Stroll after him and drag him kicking and screaming back in
Waddya want, sonny?
>"T-the princesses are hungry..."
The princesses are ALWAYS hungry, boy.
>"I-I mean it's time for dinner."
Fuck. Fine.
>Grip his tail and fling him out
Team! Form up!
>Applejack trots over to you
>Rainbow collapses through the back door, utterly exhausted
>She catches her reflection in a shiny pot
>Grabs a few carrots
>And runs back out
>Applejack smiles at you
Right, Applehorse. We need to make something for the princesses. You up to the task?
>"Sure thing, boss! Waddya have in mind?"
Something that isn't apples.
>Applejack's lower jaw drops open and she starts drooling
>Close it for her
Come on. Lets make a cake or some shit. They don't eat properly anyway.
>You and Applejack assemble a quick cake and send it out
Huh. That didn't take long at all. And I only lost...
>Hold up a hand
Three fingers.
>Celestia will magic some back later. She always does
>You know what they say about chefs
>Their own sweat and blood goes into their work
>You watch as the various servants take the cake out and serve it up to the princesses
>Sigh
Another meal made. Another calamity survived. Honestly, Applejack. I just don't know how I do it.
>Applejack shrugs
>"Maybe it was friendship"
>Stare at her
That's fucking retarded
>"Ah know."
>You both stand in silence for a while
Hold the fucking phone, why was the cake bright pink?
>AJ motions to the empty, pink stained measuring jug
>"Ah used that icin' ya made"
Oh my god.

8/?

>Run out of the kitchen and towards the royal dining room in time to see Celestia eat an entire cake
YOU FAT FUCK!
>Her ears flatten
>"Buh uh eed iiihh"
YOU DON'T NEED SHIT YOU OVERSIZED BEAN BAG
>She doubles over
>"Oh, my... What was in there, Anonymous?"
>At that moment, her head is tossed back and her jaw opens as wide as it can
>Pinkie Pie, fully formed, explodes from Celestia's gullet like an overjoyed xenomorph
>"SURPRISE!"
>Luna screams and falls off her chair
>She waves her hooves around in the air and wails
>"HELP! I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!"
Fuck this, I'm out.
>You storm back to your kitchen
>When you get there, Rainbow Dash is trying to insert an entire banana into herself
>Fluttershy has escaped from the dough and is sticking your favourite knife inside her anus, handle first
>"A-are knives what get you hot, Anon? Do you want to... grill me?"
>You tear the knife out of her rectum
>Sob
>And throw it in the incinerator that you just have lying around in the corner of the room
>Pick up Fluttershy
>Carry her out the backdoor
>Trip up on a load of soggy carrots lying on the floor
>Fall on your back
>Fluttershy lands on your chest
>"You're hurt! Let me kiss it better!"
>She mushes her face against yours
>Your rage knows no bounds
>Throw her in a bin
>Carry the bin all the way from the castle to the Canterlot train tracks
>Wait an entire hour, the bin held over your head with Fluttershy banging around inside it the whole time
>See a train coming
>Throw the bin onto the tracks
>The train slams into the bin and obliterates it
>Run back to the kitchens
>Grip Rainbow Dash, hoof deep inside herself
>Throw her in the incinerator
>Find Twilight, rocking back and forth under a table
>Grip her horn and drag her out of the kitchen and towards the griffon ambassador's house

9/?

>Toss her inside with a piece of paper saying "Din dins"
>Run back to the kitchen
>Rarity wakes up as you get inside
>She tries to flirt with you
>Force feed her bell peppers until she passes out again
>Applejack stares at you once you've finished you fast paced rampage
>"Uhh, aren't ya gonna do somethin to me?"
>Glare at her
>Grin
Sure. How'd you like to be my second in command?
>She screams and runs out the door
>Watch her go, too tired to follow her
>Slump to the floor and hold your head in your hands
>You sit there for what seems like hours, just thinking about how bad your life is with these ponies
>Stand up after a while
>Go over to the store room
>A single can of beans is left
>Open it
>Spend the rest of your evening chugging beans and complaining about how stupid ponies are to the various kitchen appliances
>All in all it was a pretty normal day.

10/10
The End.