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fire219

RCR 2003 WRX transcript

fire219
Jan 13th, 2017
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  1. 2003 Subaru Impreza WRX
  2. ---
  3.  
  4. MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR
  5.  
  6. (in highly exaggerated faux-Asian voice) SUBARUUUUUUUUUU IMPOSSIBRUUUUUUUUUU ("Subaru Impossibru")
  7.  
  8. ---
  9.  
  10. INTRO SONG by THE ROMAN
  11.  
  12. Official car, Bros Night Out
  13. Sponsored by "let's go right now"
  14. Better than subpar sex
  15. It's a dub-RX
  16.  
  17. ---
  18.  
  19. MONOLOGUE by MR REGULAR
  20.  
  21. (exaggerated voice again) a-SUBARUUUU IMPOSSIBruuu. Oh you like-a SUBARUUU? You like ta' rallycross? <unintelligible noises> Four-wheel-drift-a-wu. uh-Mitsubishi-uuuww. uh-this review just-a this-a voice-uuwww. This is-a racist-uuuwww. A FOUR DISK a-SYSTEM-uuww. <noises break down into MR REGULAR's laughing>
  22.  
  23. This is so bad... this is horrible.
  24.  
  25. This is a 2003 Subaru WRX bug-eye. It's the weird one. In the late-90s, WRXs and Subarus were spank material. And the new line of WRXs come now with gamer tags and a casual Red Bull or Monster energy drink sponsorship. But these early-2000 WRXs with these frat boy innocent "come here I wanna show ya sumthing" eyes are not aged enough to bear nostalgic fruit, nor are they new enough to be any real value. They're not even relevant. 2003 WRX -- the hoobastank of cars.
  26.  
  27. This is a car for guys who wear knock-off Wayfarers from Dollar Tree and toss an xFL football around their frat house front lawn. I was surprised when I saw the 7000 RPM redline. The owner told me that the 2.2 turbo welcomes high revs because that 300cc diet lightens the pistons enough to compete with Mitsubishi in fifth period gym class shuttle runs.
  28.  
  29. Why is this boost gauge measured in Pascals? Why is the shift knob cold? Why does the rear deck wing have to be <voice again> SUBARU IMPOSSIBRUuuh -- the voice is a-back-a-uuuuuuuwwww. A flying camera-uuuwww. Vent-ta-atmosphere-uuuhhh. Inappropriate-uhh. Ja-lop-a-nik will not run this one-uhhhww. <voice over>
  30.  
  31. The thing about being into Imprezas is that you *have* to sign up for message boards, and you *have* to talk to other people who are into these cars, and you *have* to know all the intricate differences between all the models. And often that results in a degraded pissing contest about who knows the most abbreviations for things. GDB, GDF, STI, BRF, USDM -- oh but it makes 260 horsepower -- no it makes 280 horsepower -- no it really only makes 250 -- oh but at the wheels you make 220, and buh-buh-ba-buh-buh. Yea, but on Japanese spec, which is what we're going by, there's Applied C, there's Applied D, there's Applied E, there's Applied F, there's Applied *GEE*. But they're missing the point! A Subaru Impreza WRX is for the guy who honestly believes no means yes.
  32.  
  33. Subaru WRX -- a ten dollar cover charge on wheels. A zig-zag Tetris block when all you need is the line.
  34.  
  35. Subaru WRX -- sponsored by undergraduate degrees and graphical design. A car for the guy whose favorite movie is the trailer for "Matrix Reloaded."
  36.  
  37. Subaru WRX -- a car for the guy whose favorite sexual position is "Reverse Cowgirl" because it doesn't require making EYE CONTACT.
  38.  
  39. Subaru WRX -- a gold medalist in the olympics of COCK BLOCKING.
  40.  
  41. A tentative driving experience, a car that feels locked in a constant state of hesitation as if waiting for that last nudge of peer pressure to justify leaving its comfort zone.
  42.  
  43. Subaru WRX -- sponsored by sincere dude bros who play Wonderwall and Santana at every open mic night.
  44.  
  45. Subaru WRX bug-eye, a car whose nickname is synonymous with rebound Rebecca's expression when you give her the shocker while rounding the central computer and passing through "the oven", resulting in a lifetime ban from Chocolate World.
  46.  
  47. ---
  48.  
  49. POV DRIVE
  50.  
  51. Owner: --Cause when you said they had a copter, I thought it was like one of those smaller like --
  52. Reg: Yeah...
  53. Owner: --Quadcopters, and like SHIT.
  54. Reg: No, they, yea, they did the one video of when Matt Farah drove that guy...
  55.  
  56. ---JUMP CUT---
  57.  
  58. Reg: It's the ultimate JDM, and that it's right hand drive, and all the parts are -- even the radio can't get any stations because it's the Japanese radio.
  59. Owner: I don't know why you'd do that.
  60. Reg: He turned it right back to where it was, to what it would've been.
  61.  
  62. ---JUMP CUT---
  63.  
  64. Reg: And so then the helicopter guys were doing video for them. For that.
  65.  
  66. ---
  67.  
  68. ENDING SONG by THE ROMAN
  69.  
  70. Busting my quads and my collar is popped
  71. This car's like the deuce that is yet to be dropped
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