Believing Hearts (ch2)

EARLY RELEASE FOR HIGHER-PLEDGING PATRONS! THANK YOU!

This chapter and the parts in it are from Akko's point of view. You can look up some of Neon's tags for an idea of what Akko looks like in her disguise, and more info about her in this part of the AU.

For those who don't know, Akko and Diana were married after they graduated. Diana become Luna Nova's headmistress and Akko went off to be a performer like Chariot as she always wanted. But during that time, she lost contact with Diana. And now they're like this...

Disclaimer: I do not own Little Witch Academia.

------------

													Chapter 2. Shadows

When she opens her eyes, she still expects to find herself somewhere else, somewhere different than from where she fell asleep last night.

Oftentimes, when she wakes, she imagines she isn't alone. She imagines Diana is beside her.

But it only takes a few seconds for reality to settle in, and for Akko to remember she is alone.

A whimper tumbles from her lips as she pushes herself up from the pillow. Locks of messy chestnut-brown hair spill over her shoulders.

This is the only time she sees her actual self. Only for a few moments every morning.

As soon as she's able to, Akko reaches for her wand and casts her usual spell – a spell of deception.

Her brown hair takes on a reddish hue, and her eyes become dark blue. More minor changes are made to the shapes of her cheeks, trimming away a bit of the childish plumpness there to take on a more mature appearance. Her marital ring hides itself against her skin, becoming invisible.

She deliberately disguises herself to hide from her own wife. From the person she loves and cares for most in the world.

She knows it's gone too far, this little cowardice game of hers. She's kept herself away from Diana for too long. Even one day was too long, but three years...

Akko still can't fathom how she's let it get this bad. But every time she'd considered or even attempted to reveal her identity to Diana, a horrible panic had consumed her mind.

The paranoia always strikes her in the most awful of ways, telling her Diana will reject her if she reveals herself after all this time.

/It's too late.../ Akko's mind tells her heart. /She'll never want me back.../

And yet, every day as she goes about Luna Nova in her disguise, she hears from the students and other professors just how deeply and sorrowfully Diana misses her, and longs for her return.

Akko has done her best to avoid being alone with Diana over these years, but the few times when she finds herself with the headmistress, it feels like her internal organs all shut down. She feels horribly ill, gripped by nausea and fear, so much so that she's never been able to go through with telling Diana the truth.

/It's too late... I've waited so long... She'll never accept me back... It's better if I just stay like this.../

Her mind speaks, and it tells her these things.

But Akko's heart knows better.

It knows Diana wants her back more than anything.

All her life, she's been a firm believer in her heart over her mind.

Until now.

Now, her mind has an unshakable grip on her, and it won't always allow her to act as she wishes.

Especially around Diana. In fact, only around her.

The other aspects of Akko's life are more or less normal, and perhaps even enjoyable at times.

But whenever she catches a glimpse of that soft white hair in the hallways, or hears that familiar voice in the lecture halls, the paranoia takes hold, sinks in its claws, and doesn't let go until it's frightened Akko away.

/After all.../ it reminds her. /What happened to her... it's all my fault.../

Though Akko knows Diana has never once placed blame on her for her dire injuries, she can't help but take the weight of that blame upon herself.

/I could've been faster... I could've seen the attacks coming... I could've saved her... But I didn't... I couldn't.../

The same process commences each morning, and now is no different. Akko battles against her own mind, gritting her teeth as a soft snarl works its way out.

"No... she doesn't blame me... And she told me I shouldn't blame myself..."

When had it gotten this bad? That she'd been apart from Diana long enough to stop taking her advice?

She isn't sure.

But every day, she gets farther and farther away from Diana, even if she's physically right next door.

The rift between them is already gaping, and it only becomes more and more difficult to close it.

But Akko is too terrified. She can't help it.

No matter how badly she wants to tell Diana the truth, her heart is no longer strong enough to best her mind's dreadful thoughts.

So each day, she helplessly disguises herself and goes about her tasks under the alias Ms. Ophiuchus, the Mystic Biology Professor.

Each day, she loses another part of what makes her Atsuko Kagari.

In denying herself the relief of telling Diana the truth, she denies herself Diana's love, and in turn denies her own identity.

/Before very much longer 'Atsuko Kagari' will be dead.../

And she knows this much isn't only in her head.

She's glimpsed the pitiful glow of Diana's ring before, how dull and pale it's become with time.

Because Akko is losing herself, as Diana had lost her.

And yet, her own ring is losing its shine just as quickly.

Presently, steels herself before glancing down at it. As expected, it's even duller than it had been yesterday morning. It's a barely noticeable difference, but she knows it all the same.

Akko knows she is losing her own sense of identity, and that is why Diana's ring loses its glow.

But Akko's is different. It weakens because Diana's life force is dwindling.

She knows this. She's known this all along.

She's heard it from her colleagues, especially the classmates who had once sat in lectures beside herself and Diana.

That this separation – that being apart from Akko – is all but killing her. And every day, her condition worsens, bit by bit.

Akko can't even reveal herself to save Diana's life.

Her fears far outweigh her senses.

There are times she thinks it could be so simple to go up to Diana and remove the spell on her appearance. But no matter what kind of mindset she's in, the fear always takes control immediately.

It should be such an easy thing to do.

But she can't do it.

She hasn't been able to all this time.

And she's beginning to think she never will.

Every morning, she tells herself today will be the day.

But then the fear creeps back in.

/No... she'll reject me... she'll never forgive me... she'll hate me.../

All of these thoughts pile up, seeming to crush her shoulders beneath their weight, shoving her down until she can hardly breathe-

It always wins.

And it always ends with the same thought.

/M-Maybe I'll tell her tomorrow.../

She's been telling herself the same thing for three years.

-------------

It always takes Akko a while to prepare herself in the mornings, not so much in a physical sense, but a mental one.

It takes her only a few seconds to disguise herself, and only a few minutes to freshen up and dress.

But the mental battle can sometimes last for hours.

She's had to cancel her classes before because of it, faking a lesser kind of sickness so as not to worry her students.

Today, it only takes what she considers to be a normal amount of time, a little over an hour. She cleans herself up, puts on her robes, then ties her hair into a few messy braids. She then takes all her necessary supplies and begins to head out the door, bound for her classroom.

The hallways are alive with the girls' lively chatter, sounds that always put Akko's mind at ease, just a little.

Only one sound can do it better.

She hears Diana's voice even when she's too far away to understand what she's saying. Even the indistinct murmur of tone is something she recognizes right away if it is Diana's.

It's coming from a nearby classroom, one Akko must pass in order to get to her own.

It isn't often she encounters Diana so early on in the day. Most of the time, she'll glimpse her at common hour, or in the evenings.

But when Diana isn't cooped up in her office dealing with business and paperwork, she's spreading her presence across campus, visiting classrooms and observing flying lessons, often giving demonstrations of her own impeccable skills.

Even despite the fact that she doesn't have Akko beside her, Diana is doing an exceptional job as headmistress.

/See?/ Akko tells herself. /She doesn't need me anyway.../

She shakes her head vigorously, then continues forward. She nears the classroom – one shared by Hannah and Barbara – to the sound of Diana's voice. The doors are open a crack, and Akko pauses just outside to listen.

"The luna alphabet was once only able to be read by a scarce remaining number of witches. However, due to the unlocking of the Grand Triskelion nearly five years ago, it has been revived along with a great deal of magic and knowledge that was previously suppressed by the great seal. Now, we teach the students of Luna Nova the ancient alphabet with pride."

Akko can only listen for now. She listens to the distinguished, professional manner in which Diana speaks, just as she always had. Her tone is strong and supported, but Akko can tell there is no smile on her lips.

There had only been a few rare times when Akko had heard her lose her formal way of speaking, when she'd heard her voice waver and crack with emotion. And only a few years' worth of time when she'd smiled freely.

All times Akko been with her.

But she's never heard Diana's voice sound that way since Akko had left her. She hasn't even seen Diana smile once in three years. Not genuinely, anyway.

Akko is an expert at determining Diana's fake smiles from her real ones, after all.

A small applause goes up in the lecture hall, and Akko peers in to glimpse Diana dipping her head.

"Now, all of you ladies must apply yourselves to the best of your abilities. And should you feel you are struggling with the materials, do not hesitate to seek advice and assistance from your professors." She nods to Hannah and Barbara, standing together – as always – at the side of the room. "As you know, they are very dear friends of mine..."

Akko can't stay to listen to anymore. Not just because her own class is about to start, but also too because it pains her to linger.

She's heard and seen Diana many times over the past three years of course.

But she's never once touched her. And she's never looked her in the eyes.

Not even when she'd come to Luna Nova to apply for a position as a professor.

She'd needed to stand in front of Diana disguised and demonstrate her extensive skills and knowledge of magic, with her voice disguised and her mannerisms altered. She'd been certain not to use any notable spells that she'd often used as a student, ones Diana might have been able to connect her to.

But even as Diana had gladly offered her a position at Luna Nova, and Akko had thanked her gratefully, she hadn't looked her in the eye.

She still can't. Some part of her fears she'll never be able to again.

/She doesn't need me anymore.../

With an ache in her chest to combat the one in her head, Akko turns away and limps toward her classroom.

-------------

By suppertime, she's recovered most of her energy.

Seeing and interacting with her students always helps her forget about her thoughts for a while and focus on better things.

She loves teaching magic, and her classes are always revered as some of the most enjoyable in terms of materials and professor. Her classes are fun, though not unprofessionally so. But they are the kinds of classes where everyone smiles, laughs, and breathes easily, without fear of judgement by peers or proctor.

Akko picks up her food for supper and makes her way around the tables, greeting her students along the way. She often sits with them, but sometimes she heads to the professors' table instead.

Diana has sat with them a few times before, but for the past year or so, she's never eaten in public.

Akko heads for the teachers' table now, as she sees Hannah and Barbara have arrived. Akko makes sure to always sit by the two of them, because they haven't changed a bit in the sense that they are almost always talking about Diana. It's the best way for her to obtain information about her wife without raising suspicion or risking herself.

Akko greets the other young women there and takes a seat beside Barbara, who is, of course, beside Hannah. The two of them look up and greet her by her fake name of course, not knowing any better. But their voices lack any genuine happiness.

"Oh, hello Professor Ophiuchus."

"It's nice to see you."

"Hi," Akko says, her smile already fading. "Is... something the matter...?"

She makes sure to take her seat quickly, because some part of her already knows what their answer will be, and she fears she won't be able to stay on her feet to hear it.

Hannah and Barbara glance at one another uncertainly, then release a simultaneous sigh.

"It's Diana..."

Akko's stomach clenches and flips. She can feel the blood pumping through her veins, but she bites her lip to prevent herself from blurting out.

"What... What do you mean? Is she all right...?"

Hannah and Barbara look to her, then to one another.

"We..." Hannah shakes her head. "We really aren't sure anymore..."

"It's all too much for her," Barbara whimpers. "We should've known better-"

"What?" Akko says tensely. "What happened?"

Barbara has begun to cry softly, so Hannah pulls her wife into her arms and takes over speaking from here.

"She was visiting our class this morning. And she was fine, up until the very end..."

Akko's blue eyes are wide with terror. Her appetite has vanished completely, and her mind and heart are racing.

"What...?" she chokes. "What happened...?"

Hannah closes her eyes as tears begin to drip down. She rests her chin on Barbara's head, keeping her voice low.

"Our students requested she demonstrate a spell. And she tried. She tried... but..." She tapers off, leaving Akko petrified.

"Was... Was she injured...? Did the spell go wrong?" Akko's about to bolt from her seat and find Diana wherever she is. But she needs to hear everything first.

It is Barbara who speaks next, her voice broken by sobs.

"N-No... the spell didn't go wrong... It didn't even work..."

"...Eh?" Akko shakes her head, unsure of what she's just heard. "Wh... What do you mean it... didn't work...? Th-The headmistress' magic is the strongest in Luna Nova. Or s-so I've always been told..."

The pair shake their heads again.

"Maybe that's how it once was... when Akko was with her..."

"But now... Diana's magic... it's dying..."

Akko feels her jaw falling open, disbelief mixing with the fear.

"That... That's impossible. The Sorcerer's Stone is-"

"It has nothing to do with the Stone," Hannah explains. "Barbara and I... we've known Diana since childhood. And this has happened to her before. Right after her parents passed away, Diana completely lost the ability to use magic."

"It was a result of her pain," Barbara murmurs. "She suffered from such intense emotional distress that it had an affect on her magic abilities. It nearly depleted them at the time... Sh-She managed to get them back by working hard, b-but now..."

"She's lost her parents, and now her wife..." Hannah explains. "This time, the loss was too great for her to bear. It's too much for her. Her heart was already weakened from the start. Because of that Sorcerer and because of Croix-"

"-But even before all of that, it was in her blood. Everyone had always feared a heart condition was hereditary in her family, because that's how she'd lost her parents."

"And now she's been wounded so many times, within an inch of her life," Hannah goes on. "She's lost Akko, and now she's losing her magic again. At this rate..."

"We could lose Diana, too..."

Both of them break down in each others' arms, unable to speak any more.

They leave Akko numb. Entirely numb with terror.

The purest form of terror she's ever experienced before.

She'd seen Diana get stabbed through the heart not once, but twice.

But the terror she feels now dominates even the terror she'd felt then.

She remembers hearing the same things about Diana's childhood and parents many years ago, from Andrew on the night Diana attempted to become the Cavendish family head. She'd barely been able to believe Diana had once lost her ability to use magic.

But to think she's losing it again. A second time...

/And it's... because of me... Because I left her... Because... my leaving caused her so much pain... enough to be equivalent to losing her own parents.../

She'd known Diana's heart was weak and damaged due to the life-threatening injuries she's sustained in the past. But Akko had never know about her parents passing away due to heart complications.

/If... If it's hereditary... Diana was already at great risk just from that... So for her to have been hurt so badly like she was... and twice.../

It's a miracle she's still alive.

But Akko's absence has hurt her so horribly, so tremendously, that her distress is now taking its toll on Diana in the form of her magic weakening.

"N-No..." Her voice slips out, her eyes staring blankly at the table in front of her. "That... Th-That..."

Of course, Hannah and Barbara see her as a different person, as someone who had never known Diana. They tell her things only they could have known all these years, being as close to her as they are.

"It's been manifesting itself slowly over the past few years," Hannah says. "Diana's magic has been weakening gradually, so it's been hardly noticeable to anyone other than her closest friends."

"But recently... her condition's taken a rapid decline," Barbara whimpers. "No one knows why. The doctors can't figure it out... but they... they don't know how to stop it... They can't help her anymore..."

"Even though she's... descendant from a family of healers... from Lady Beatrix herself... Diana can't heal her own heart..."

Each of their words sinks into Akko's mind link a stone into an ocean. It all sinks in so it sticks. So Akko can tell this isn't a daydream.

What she's heard – what she's hearing – is real. All too real.

/Diana is losing her magic. Her condition is weakening more and more every day.../

Of course, only Diana's closest friends would know about these things. Only Hannah, Barbara, and her doctors. Akko is another person to them. She has no right to have heard about Diana's personal life all these years.

But for her to think... to know Diana has been suffering like this... all this time... because of her...

/I'd... I'd always known it was hurting her... b-but I never thought.../

"It's killing her..."

Akko's voice isn't even her own as it falls from her lips. She hadn't meant to say it aloud, but hearing the truth sends a sickening shudder up her spine. Both Hannah and Barbara sob, but they don't deny the statement.

"We've done... everything we can..." Hannah whispers.

"It's only a matter of time now..." Barbara rasps. "The doctors can't help her anymore..."

"We can't help her anymore..."

Their final thought, they give in unison.

"Only Akko can..."

The words shake Akko through to her very core.

It almost feels prophetic in a way. She hasn't felt this way in over five years, not since she'd revived the Seven Words.

It plants a seed of conviction inside of her. The roots coil in and find purchase in the center of her soul, locking down on her.

/Only Akko... only I can help Diana.../

The words resonate from her heart, making her remember how it's beating without Diana's, how Diana's is beating without hers.

/I... I have to do it... I have to tell her the truth... before it's too late.../

Akko pushes herself up from her seat, leaving her food untouched. She wishes she could thank Hannah and Barbara for what they've told her. She wishes she could tell them everything will be all right.

/But what if it won't be...? What if I'm already too late? What if Diana can't be saved...? What if... she's already too far gone...?/

Akko nearly stumbles when she starts moving, setting a brisk pace for the exit. It's as close as she can get to running.

As she passes by the tables of girls, she can pick up on their worried voices.

"The Headmistress was in our class this morning-"

"She couldn't cast the spell..."

"What? Headmistress Cavendish?"

"Could it be because of her old injuries?"

Akko knows it won't be long before the entire school knows of Diana's loosening grip on her magics.

/I have to do something... before... b-before.../

She rushes into the hallway, and a wave of nausea slams over her as though she's just ran herself into a solid wall. Akko staggers and slumps against the nearest doorframe. Had she eaten anything at suppertime, she knows she'd be seeing it again right now.

The blood is pounding in her veins, beating in her skull and her chest. The fear surges up, the paranoia bursts through.

/I can't... she won't want to see me... not after all this time... I left her. I'm the one who made her so sick. It's all my fault.../

The thoughts form something akin to a barrier in her mind, one that seems to project in the hallway in front of her. It forces her back a step, against her will. Every time she tries to advance, another thought pushes her back.

/I did this to her. I don't deserve to see her again. I don't deserve her.../

The voice in her head drags her back, pulls her away from the path she wants to take.

/It's my fault... I did this to her.../

But then-

Then her voice comes out.

Not her disguised voice. Her real one.

"Who?"

She snarls into the silence.

For the past three years, the voice in her head has always said those things.

She. Her.

But not once has it ever said her name.

Only Akko has done that.

She can feel it as the voice in her head falters, just for a second.

/I know who. Of course I know her. She's my wife./

"Who?!" Akko barks again. She lifts her boot and takes a loud, defiant step forward, past that intangible barrier. "You coward... you can't even say her name..."

/I don't have to. I know her name./

"Then say it."

/My wife... the love of my life.../

But that voice can't say her name.

/Only I can./

"Diana!"

With a cry of her name, Akko breaks through.

She pushes past the fears in her mind and runs.

The paranoia... those fears...

Those fears are nothing compared to the fear she feels for Diana.

Akko runs.

Racing through the hallways she's known for nearly a decade, since she'd been a student here herself.

She knows the way to the Headmistress' office. She'd been there a million times as a student.

She runs.

Runs.

Until-

"Oof!"

"Kyaa!"

It's not a wall she runs into, but she runs into it hard enough that it feels that way. But before Akko can fall back from the force of the impact, the other person rights herself and grabs her by the wrist to keep them both on their feet. A startled, but familiar voice calls for her.

"Ak- I-I mean Professor Ophiuchus!"

Chariot's voice is one of the few that have never left Luna Nova's hallways for as long as Akko has been here. She's elected to keep her natural red hair color now, because Akko had learned years ago who she truly was.

And in turn, Chariot is the only person in Luna Nova who knows who she is.

She holds tightly to Akko's wrist until the risk of either of them falling has passed, though her voice remains distressed.

"What is going on? Are you all right?"

Chariot dusts off Akko's shoulders, her red eyes wide and concerned. Akko catches her breath only for a second before she blurts out.

"Professor! I... I have to... D-Diana..."

And in seconds, her voice is broken into nothing more than tearful rasps. Her knees begin to buckle, and it's all Chariot can do to pull her into a quick embrace. She lets out a long, regretful sigh.

"So you've heard about what happened... I was about to come find you to let you know if you didn't already. I'm so sorry, Akko..."

She keeps her former student close, whispering her real name. She's the only one who's ever said it these past three years fully knowing who she is.

Akko grabs onto her robes and clings there like a frightened child.

"It's... it's all my fault..."

"Of course it isn't."

Chariot's always told her this much. She's the only person Akko could confide in during her years of hiding. She's done her utmost best to help her through her ailments.

But there's only so much other people can do. Akko's ability to heal and forgive herself lies within herself.

But that doesn't mean Chariot doesn't do everything within her power to help.

She can tell Akko needs her now, for guidance and support in this very serious matter.

Akko sobs heavily into her shoulder, her back raked by violent tremors.

"P-Professor... Chariot... I... I-I have to tell Diana the truth... I-I have to..."

Chariot has been expecting this response. She's always known that Akko would reveal herself eventually, in due time.

But Chariot's known her for many years, and she'd been fully aware that this terrible news of Diana's declining health would be the final push Akko needs.

Even so... Chariot coaxes the young woman back a pace, so she may meet her eyes.

"Akko... are you sure?"

And Akko doesn't even need to give a verbal reply.

She just gives her that look.

That determined, serious, empowering look Chariot knows all too well.

The older witch dips her head.

"Very well."

"Now," Akko grunts. "I h-have to do it now- b-before-"

"Akko, please..." Chariot keeps a firm hold on her wrist. "Diana is in a very precarious state. Her health is extremely poor. I fear she won't be able to handle seeing you again after all this time. Her heart is far too weak. You mustn't reveal yourself carelessly. If at all possible... you mustn't startle her. Do you understand? Just one small fright could send her into a terrible panic."

Akko flinches visibly. She'd seen that happen many times in the past, back when they'd been younger.

After the sorcerer had attacked Diana, her injured heart would often spiral into painful frenzies, sometimes for no reason at all.

But as Diana is now, after missing Akko for three years, and with her magics fading...

Something as major as finally seeing Akko again could have a highly intense affect on her straining heart.

Akko is grateful Chariot has held her back to warn her about this. She draws in a deep, deep breath, then releases it.

"Thank you, Professor. For helping me clear my head... I needed that."

Chariot dips her head.

"Of course. Akko, I wish you... the very best of luck. For Diana's sake, and for your own, please see this through. You are her only hope."

Akko wipes her free hand over her eyes.

"Yes... I know that now. It's taken me... this long, b-but I... I understand. I'm going to do it, Professor. No matter what I'll do it. Tonight."

Her blue eyes are clear. There is no haze in them, no uncertainty. No fear.

Not the kind invited by her mind, anyway. Her fear now is for Diana, not of her.

Only now does Chariot release her wrist.

"Go, Akko. It is time."

She nods.

And then, Akko turns her back to her most beloved professor, and runs.

-------------

A/N: In this AU, Akko learns of Chariot after unlocking the Grand Triskelion. So then Chariot reveals herself to everyone and lets her hair stay red. Akko calls her Chariot now, but sometimes (like here) she reverts back to calling her "Professor".

The "Shadows" of this chapter are meant to reference Akko's mental demons. I've never written a character with paranoia quite like this before, so I hope how I wrote her dealing with it made sense.

Now she has to go to Diana. But what if she's too late...?