F(r)iends

I've always had a lot of trouble making lasting relationships with "friends."
I've never had a best friend. A best friend to me is someone who's always on my side, someone who's always there for me in times of despair... someone who I could talk to about anything... I couldn't find that certain friend. The best friend.

Well... I actually have found that special person, but a certain event separated us too soon... You could say it was fate... A cruel fate at most...

I'm so weird... awkward... how can anyone take me seriously? I had a lot of strange views and thoughts most people had trouble relating with. I couldn't even get close to getting personal with a friend, let alone have a best friend. Maybe it's just me. My personal upbringing in this society that made me this way.

I try so hard at interacting with other people. I want to get to know people better. I want to talk to them... and have them talk to me.

There was always a dreaded case I had to deal with. That was... people having "other friends"
I get jealous very easily but you couldn't blame me. Like I said I am an awkward person. I'm very shy and I'm the type of person who had to think before I said anything. An example of this dreaded case... Well first, where do I meet new "friends?" It always had to be a place where people gathered... Because a place where people gather is always a place to meet new people! If you went to a place no one would ever go to, chances are you won't find anyone new. If you happen to find someone in a place where nobody goes to then you've met someone new... but that isn't what I want to talk about.

I wish I wasn't so awkward and shy... It's just me... I can't change that...
Whenever I meet new people in these "gatherings" they are always accompanied with their "other friends."
This is why it is so tough for me to make friends. I am the stranger. A weird stranger. I look weird, I talk funny, my hair is different. I am abnormal to the person I am interested in. People tend to stray away from the abnormal.

Since this certain person I'm interested in has a friend with them, they are more compelled to interact with their friend rather than me because they are more comfortable with them. I understand this because I've had this situation before. Of course I would rather talk to my acquaintance than a stranger because I don't know much about the stranger. But my problem is that I'm weird...

I went up to my person of interest (despite my awkwardness I had the guts to bring myself to start a conversation with a stranger... desperate for friends I had to!) and tried to have a conversation with them. I talked about the surrounding area and asked questions, broke the ice. They were ok with my presence (as I thought). My person of interest talks to me for a little bit but then proceeds to converse to their other friend... and without hesitating either...  they just keep conversing and there's no way I can butt into their conversation. By the time I could say something, the conversation had already changed subjects. I just had to stand there awkwardly in silence just listening to what they had to say to each other. It was unfair! How am I supposed to get to know my person of interest if the "enemy" keeps talking to them! At this point I start to get really jealous. I have low self esteem and I consider myself a nuisance at all times. I give up on them. I had to find someone else to try and make friends with. This is my dreaded case.

At the next "gathering" I attend, I always look for the person of interest and the same scenario keep happening over and over again. This is why I only like one on one interactions. I crave attention, the person I'm interested in should only be focusing on me. Not on some other person. I always try and find a spot where I can have this one on one interaction. I just needed to find that person sitting alone. Unfortunately most of those people are busy, uninterested in me or actually just waiting for another friend to show up. I don't understand why I go to these gatherings alone. Am I the only one who does this? This perpetual cycle of being alone at every "gathering." People always favor their other friends over me. It's like everyone has a best friend... except for me.

But then again, I'm abnormal. The people I'm interested in always happens to be "normal." They only want to meet more normal people. People they could relate to. Because I'm not "normal" there is nothing to relate to. Why would anyone talk to someone whom they don't relate to? There would be nothing to talk about.

I have had people who had interest in me, but I was not interested in them. You could say it's my fault for being selective but that's just the sad truth.

I want to find that one person who is just like me. Very alone... very weird... looking for a best friend...Just me and them... No one else to interfere with our socializing... It would just be us, trying to build upon each other... Making unforgettable memories... Judging everyone we see in public... Just... Us...