More than a couple of weeks passed since the New Year’s Eve party. Rayas still felt confused and anxious a lot of the time. They probably figured that at this point, Addie suspected something, since she acted even more cuddly and sweet than usual. While they were a little scared Addie somehow knew, they nonetheless appreciated Addie trying to make them feel better. Hayden and Cedar helped move over the last of Rayas’s belongings into Addie’s apartment. It was a bittersweet moment for Rayas, they were head over heels in love with Addie but at the same time they weren’t sure how the next two years would go.

Especially with all of the gender questioning they had been doing lately. They felt a little selfish for thinking this way, but they didn’t want to tell Addie anything explicit out of fear of the two of them breaking up. Rayas wasn’t sure if Addie would be interested in dating anyone non-binary, they never had any reason to ask until now. But they also knew that Addie obviously wouldn’t date a man, and while Rayas wasn’t sure of their own identity of the moment, there was definitely a possibility of them being transmasculine too. Vaughn did end up sending Rayas links to various trans questioning sites and resources. They helped a little, and Rayas knew that at this point they definitely weren’t cis, but what they really needed was somebody to talk to out loud to help rationalize their thoughts.

They looked at their phone. It was three in the morning. They didn’t want to be rude but after a long shift of getting called ma’am at work, they needed somebody to talk to. And with all the confusion and doubt they had felt over their gender, they wanted to sort their identity out as soon as possible.

“hey, u up?” they texted Cedar.

They assumed that Cedar would be awake right now and that Cedar would obviously understand what they were going through. They got out of bed, careful not to wake the sleeping Addie beside them, and headed into the living room.

“can u call? its important,” they sent another text.

“Rayas it’s three in the morning,” Cedar replied a few minutes later.

“i know,” Rayas wrote back. They felt nervous while typing their next reply, but eventually sent a follow-up.

“i think im trans”

Rayas’s phone started buzzing almost immediately. Rayas was happy to answer and ready to tell Cedar everything. It would be good to tell someone while sober, they thought.

“Oh thank you for answering, I know it’s late, I’m sorry,” Rayas said.

“Nah, it’s all good, no worries. I wasn’t even tired, to be honest,” Cedar replied.

“Okay, well, uh, is it okay if I just tell you everything, I guess?”

“Go for it.”

“Okay. Um. So like, the night I moved in with Addie, I started becoming more aware of how gendered all my surroundings were? Like I guess when I was living on my own with y’all I didn’t have to worry as much about strangers looking at me and making assumptions and all that, so I didn’t really think about my gender or anything much, but. Almost immediately as soon as I got there I started realizing how much everybody looks at me and stuff. Like getting called lady and ma’am and shit like that makes me really upset. And I guess it always has? Like in high school I would always be like, why the fuck are you calling me a lady, and I assumed it was just a punk thing or whatever, but now I’m pretty sure it’s not.”

Rayas suddenly stopped. “Is this too rambly? I have no idea if any of this makes sense at all.”

“Nah, I think it all makes sense so far, I think it’s best you try to say what immediately comes to your mind,” Cedar responded.

“Okay. I’ll keep doing that then. Well anyway. Then I go to the mall with Addie, right, for clothes shopping before the party we had?”

“Yeah?”

“And I see this poster. Of a skunk man. And he’s wearing a suit. And I was like, oh, I need to buy that suit. I want to look like that. And honestly I figured, well, I’m probably just butch, I mean, butch lesbians wear men’s clothing all the time. So, no big deal. But I really liked the way I looked in it. And almost everything else I wear, just looks weird. Like, I never really hated dresses before, I mean I love not wearing pants, and I still think they’re pretty and maybe I’d wear one, but trying to wear one right now? Awful. I hate the way I look in them now.”

Rayas paused again. “Sorry, I’m getting sidetracked. So that night while you were asleep and before Addie joined in, it was just me and Vaughn in the car, and I told Vaughn like, hey, I’ve been having these thoughts that maybe I’m not a girl, I mean, when he showed off his top surgery that one time when Reese said they’ve never had surgery. When I saw that I was like, oh, okay, I kinda want that. And I’m pretty sure most cis women don’t look at trans guys getting top surgery with jealousy, you know?”

“Yeah… I’d have to say you’re probably right in that case,” Cedar said.

“Okay, well, that’s mostly what I came to ask. Vaughn also sent me some trans forums and stuff, and some of it has been helpful, but, can you just like. Can you tell me if I’m trans? And if I’m trans, can you tell me what the fuck I am? Because not knowing fucking sucks, I hate this,” they said.

 Cedar remained silent for a while, wanting to word their next sentences very carefully. “Well. The short answer is no, I can’t tell if you’re trans or not. The longer answer is that while ultimately, you’re the only person who can know their own gender, I can try to help you by maybe like, I don’t know, asking stuff? Trying to get you to do more thinking?”

“Ugh, I’ve done more than enough thinking,” Rayas groaned.

“Yeah, okay, fair enough. Do you want me to talk about my own experiences? Maybe certain stuff will resonate, and it might push you in a certain direction, I don’t know. I can definitely relate to the overthinking and confusion you’re probably feeling though,” she said.

“Oh, uh, yeah, I think that would help, actually. Okay, so, when did you first start questioning? And how’d you come and realize you were trans?”

“Sure. I guess I started realizing around puberty. After we all watched some cheesy video in class one day about it, every other guy in my classes kept talking about how much they wanted their voice to get deeper or brag about how they’re ‘becoming a man’ or whatever. And I just kept thinking to myself, why the hell would anybody want this? And I spent most of my nights like, wishing I was a girl instead. And then I found out what being trans was and I just. Made the connection, I guess, and realized I was trans. Of course, then I started being more active in trans communities online, and I realized that I was actually genderfluid but still transfeminine, and that I wasn’t a binary trans woman like I thought I was, since some days I feel really confident in my femininity and other days I’m just sick of gender. So, yeah, that’s my story, I guess. Anything stick out to you?” Cedar asked.

“The puberty stuff sounds familiar, now that you mention it. When I got my first period, my mom was like, ‘oh dear you’re becoming a woman now,’ and I hated it. I was like, this is what being a woman is? Ugh. That was around the time I started dressing more punk and shit too. I wanted to be a rebel and not be her idea of a woman, I mean as a kid I did shit like ballet and wore dresses and skirts all the time, but then after all this talk about becoming a woman or whatever, I didn’t want to do any of that anymore.”

“Oh. Yeah that's definitely similar then, wow,” Cedar said. “Well, okay, do you feel any closer?”

“A little bit. I’m pretty sure I’m trans at this point. I just don’t know what I am specifically, though.”

“Okay. Well. You said you hate being called ma’am, right?”

“Yeah?”

“What about sir? How would you feel if somebody called you that?” Cedar asked.

Rayas thought it over. “I don’t know. It’s never happened before.”

“It has now, sir,” Cedar responded.

“Heh, okay. I kinda liked that, actually,” they said.

“Okay, noted. So what if, like, somebody on the street mistook you for a guy, how would that make you feel?”

“I couldn’t tell you. The closest thing that’s happened is one time when I was out in public with Addie, and some dipshit was like, ‘hey which one of you is the man of the relationship?’ and started laughing. I know it made Addie really upset, and it annoyed me too, but part of me wanted to be like, well, I am. I’m the man of the relationship. It was a weird feeling. Because they definitely just wanted to make us mad since we’re a lesbian couple, but, I don’t know.”

“Hm. Interesting. I’m trying to think of what else to ask here,” she responded. “Oh! Okay, let’s say that like, there’s a magic button in front of you, okay? If you press it, it turns you into a guy, but it’s permanent and you can’t change back, do you press it?”

Rayas spent a long time in silence. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I would.”

“Okay. Why would you press it?”

“I don’t know. I just. Want to be a guy, I guess? I’d like it way more than being a girl anyway. I know I don’t want to be a girl now. That’s for sure. But, yeah, I think I want to be a man. Like, hypothetically.”

“What if the button just like, made you more androgynous? And nobody used gendered terms for you? Or only certain ones you like. Would you be more or less likely to push it than the first?”

Rayas thought for a second. “Less. I want to be a guy.”

“Alright. What about pronouns? Have you thought about that at all?”

“...Not really,” Rayas said after a while. “Some of the forums and websites Vaughn showed me mentioned them, but, to be honest I haven’t tried experimenting or anything.”

“Well, do you want to? Like, right now?”

“Uh. Sure, yeah.”

“Okay. Let’s see. I have a friend named Rayas. She’s really cool. I helped her move out last week. I think a box of hers might still be in my living room.”

“Wait, I left a box at your place? Shit,” Rayas said.

“No dude, it’s just the example sentence I thought of,” Cedar playfully said. “But how’d that make you feel?”

“Not great. I mean, my pronouns never really bothered me, I guess, but now that you’ve pointed them out, the more that sentence doesn’t feel right. Keep going,” Rayas responded.

“I have a friend named Rayas. They’re really cool. I helped them move out last week. I think a box of theirs might still be in my living room. How was that?”

“Better. But still not right. It doesn’t feel personal enough to be me, you know?”

“I get that. I don’t feel that way personally obviously, but I get it. Okay. I have a friend named Rayas. He's really cool. I helped him move out last week. I think a box of his might still be in my living room. What about that?”

“...I uh. I really like that, actually, yeah,” Rayas said in a flustered voice after a minute.

“Okay! Sweet. You want me to keep going with a new set of pronouns or do you think those fit you?”

“Nah, I don’t think you need to keep going. I uh, I liked that a lot actually,” he said in a happy and excited, albeit quiet voice due to not wanting to wake up Addie.

“Glad that helps. So, still any lingering questions?”

“Uh. I guess I have a couple of things. Like, I want to be a guy but, can I still be a trans man if I still like watching cheer movies? Or romantic comedies? Or like the color pink?” he asked.

“Yeah, of course dude! Gender norms are fucking stupid,” Cedar said.

“Okay. Then uh. Yeah. I think I’m a trans man then,” he said. Saying it out loud made him feel better too. A lot of his feelings earlier made sense. He finally felt confident after a low point of self-doubt and confusion. “Yeah. I definitely am.”

“Fuck yeah,” Cedar said. “Happy to help.”

“Well, one more thing, though,” he said. “I think I might want a new name. Rayas was always more of a nickname to begin with, and like, it’s considered a feminine word in Spanish so, I don’t really want to go by that anymore, now that I think about it, can you help me come up with a new name?”

“Uh, okay! Sure!” Cedar excitedly said. “Any idea on where to start with?”

“I think I still want it to start with an R. Keep the initials the same. Well, not really, since Rayas isn’t my actual deadname, but, you know what I mean.”

“I gotcha. What about Rowan?”

“Ain’t that one of the professors in Pokemon? I know you named yourself after a type of tree Cedar but I don’t think I want to join you in that.”

Cedar laughed. “Actually, Cedar’s my birth name. My parents are total natural loving hippies. Honestly, if you name your kid Cedar Solstice, it shouldn’t be a surprise they end up trans.”

“...Wait, your middle name is SOLSTICE?” he asked.

“Did you not know that? Yeah, I know, it’s kind of ridiculous. I like how unique it is, though. Anyway, uh, how about Ryder?”

“Eh? Don’t love it really,” he said.

“Roy?”

“Nah.”

“Uh… Romeo? It’s hard to think of names that start with R.”

“...Didn’t you call Reese that at the party? I remember thinking it sounded cute…”

“Oh yeah, I did say that, huh? But, I could definitely see it suiting you! I mean, you are the romantic type, I’d say.”

“Heh, yeah. I like it. Romeo. Yeah. Yeah, I think I want that to be my name!” he said. He immediately covered his mouth after realizing him being too loud could wake up Addie.

“Okay, cool. Romeo’s a great name dude.” She yawned. “I’m getting super sleepy so I think I’m going to go to bed now unless you need anything else,” Cedar said.

“Okay. I don’t need anything else right now. I mean, I kinda wanna look into transitioning stuff now, but I’ll ask Vaughn those kinds of questions. But, thank you so much for all of your help Cedar. I feel a lot more confident about myself now that I think I have everything figured out, Goodnight,” Romeo said.

“No problem, happy I could help. And g’night. Be trans and do crimes.” She ended the call.

Romeo walked back into their bedroom. Addie was thankfully still fast asleep. He climbed back in the covers and smiled. He felt so much more reassured about himself. The feelings he had felt, especially in the past couple of weeks, made so much more sense now. The thought of him being a trans man existed since he began questioning, but it wasn’t until talking it out with Cedar like that that he really felt sure. He was really excited to tell Hayden, Reese, and Vaughn about it. Although he felt more anxious and apprehensive about telling Addie. She would most likely break up with him, which was completely understandable considering he wouldn’t want to be with a guy either, but the thought still saddened him. Still, he knew he didn’t want to remain in the closet forever. Romeo knew how unhappy Addie felt during high school, after all.

He decided that tomorrow he’d tell Hayden, Reese, and Vaughn at least. He contained his excitement though and closed his eyes and fell asleep.