pork rinds taste like grandma/farttotextfeature

I’ve been doing this low carb diet recently, because I'm trying to get in shape, or rather I'm trying to turn my circle into a rectangle; I'd settle for a narrower oval. However I am entirely opposed to becoming a trapezoid because I don't even know what that entails. So to try and adhere to my diet, I’ve been eating pork rinds in place of the usual suspects: Frozen pizza and Oreos. I was at the grocery store, walking by all the things that I love, looking for pork rinds, which are passing okay at best, and I find this bag of pork rinds by some brand I've never heard of called Yoder’s, and on the bag, there’s a slogan that reads, “It’s Grandma Good!”

I thought, “There’s no way.” But I bought the bag and ate them on the ride home, and you know what? That slogan is correct. They taste exactly like my grandmother. Once again I felt validated in the fact that she made us eat her first when we were stranded on the desert island. My bad; I meant to say dessert island. We are on a dessert island, and all of us were doing this aforementioned low carb diet together, and my grandmother was a very generous woman and didn’t want us to all to have to cheat on our diets, so she sacrificed herself. Don’t worry; those of us who partook didn't become cannibals. As you can tell by my physique, my grandmother was obviously a pig.


I was raised in a household in which farts were not considered funny. This obviously resulted in me becoming an adult who thinks farts are inordinately funny. Yeah, I think that David Sedaris is a talented literary wit and I chuckle quietly to myself every time I read one of his books or essays, but if I went to a David Sedaris book reading and he interrupted the passage he was regaling to fart into the microphone, I would probably die from the resulting laughter.
So, my friend and I were hanging out the other day and we were messing around with the talk to text function on our phones. I thought it would be funny to type in the word fart, and send it to my friend whilst farting on the phone, to try to trick him into thinking my phone has a fart to text function. So after I farted on my phone, like a man-child, he received a text from me that read, "fart," and he was so blown away that he shit his pants. And right when he shit himself, my phone vibrated and an alert popped up that read, “New Picture Message.” Yeah, I’m not opening that. He definitely has a snazzier smart phone. Shit to picture messaging. He must have the iphone 6.