Dave's lesson on Fluffy pony Phisiology

What follows is the audio transcripts of a Fluffy Pony scientist trying to educate the world about the biology of the fluffy pony:

Hello there, My name is Dave. I’m here to teach you today about fluffy pony biology. With me is a stray fluffy I picked up named Feather. Say hello Feather.
hewwo Fetha! Who you tawkin’ too?
Why all, the people out there, Feather. Can’t you see them?
Dey no smeww pwetty.
Ha ha, you adorable scamp. I’m sure they’d think the same of you. Let’s start today with an X-ray to show off what the inside of a fluffy pony looks like. Now hold still as I use this Chinese X-ray machine I got off eBay to blast massive amounts of radiation through you.
OWCHIES! BIG OWCHIES IN TUMMEH! NO WAN BE XWAYS!
Isn't that fun? Now as you can tell from this x-ray, fluffy ponies have slender bone structure that easily cracks under any pressure. They were designed with poor connective tissues so that they couldn’t hurt a child, no matter what.
Waaah! Fwuffy gwowin! No wan gwow in dawk!
Just settle down. You probably won’t live long enough to worry about the radiation poisoning.
Wha wa-die-atin?
Not featured on the X-ray are Feather’s wings because I forgot to put film in the X-ray machine, and this is just stock footage. To demonstrate how poor the connective tissues are, I’m going to tear a wing off Feather.
Do wha now?
Hold still, this is going to sting like a bitch.
OWIES! WHY TAKE WINGIES? WHY GIF FETHA OWCHIES? PWEASE DUN HUWT FETHA!
As you can see, that wing cam off with barely a twist. Really, it’s just shoddy genetic engineering.
Pwease gif back wingies!
Rather than breaking a leg on Feather...
DUN HUWT FEATHA!
I'll demonstrate the frailty on this wing. With just an few pounds of pressure the hollow fluffy bones snap like twigs.
Why you bweakin mah wing? Gif dat back!
Now you might be asking yourself, you just tore off a wing, how is he not bleeding out? It’s simple really.
Wingies make boo boo juice. Pwease come back wingies.
The cardiovascular system, unlike the musculoskeletal system was designed to be robust. Veins and arteries clamp shut to prevent exsanguinations, and efficient clotting mechanisms seal off wounds quickly. This was designed to support the brains of the fluffy.
Fwuffy haf bwains?
Despite their low intelligence and rather serious flaws, fluffy brains are sophisticated triumphs of genetic engineering. Let's take a closer look.
Wha dat shiny ting? Why you put wegs in stwaps? Dis new game?
Now watch carefully as I saw through the back of Feather's head.
NUU! OWIES! PWEASE STAWP HUWTY FWUFFY HEAD! BE GOOD FWUFFY! NO WIKE DIS GAME!
As you can see the fluffy brain is highly overdeveloped in the speech areas and uses a quarter of the blood supply in a fluffy.
Fwuffy head cowd.
In fact, the speech centers are so important to the fluffy brain, it's possible for them to overwrite parts of the hind brain that control breathing eating, breathing, and sleeping. A fluffy can literally think itself to death if stressed enough.
Pwease gif back head fwuff. Featha head huwtie.
Let's just staple his skull cap back on so we can continue with the lesson. Hold still, this staple gun will make your head owie go away.
Make owies go way? Featha wan... DAT HUWT EVEN MOW! WHY MEANIE TING GO KACHUNK? DUN WIKE NO OWIE GAME!
As you can see, fluffies are very sensitive to pain due to an over developed nervous system that was designed to encourage them to give hugs. Let me demonstrate.
You... hug Fetha? Fetha wuv hugs! Tank you daddeh!
It was also designed to allow for easy discipline via the "Sorry stick."
No wan sowwy stick!
Combined with a low tolerance for auditory pain, shouting and using the sorry stick is a very effective method of training your fluffy as I shall now demonstrate..
BAD FLUFFY! BAD FLUFFY! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!
Dun huwt Fetha! Be good fwuffy! Pwease no sowwy stick!
Of course with a thin, whippy stick such as this, it's hard to make solid contact through all that fluff, which brings us to the next point.
*whimper*
Fluffy fluff is a hollow tube like structure that provides enough insulation to keep a fluffy from dying at room temperatures. Because blood flows so close to the surface of fluffy skin, the lose heat quickly without fluff.
Dun take fwuff! Pwease! It aww I got!
Don't worry, little guy. I need you alive for the remainder of the lesson.
Fwuffy... wiv?
...No promises. Fluff is deeply tied to the psychological well being of fluffies. It helps them identify each other, it gives them confidence, and it makes them feel good about themselves.
Without Fluff, the fluffy becomes highly depressed and will be outright rejected by other fluffies, provided they live that long. Fluffies have been known to cannibalize bald fluffies.
Wha can-a-bawl? Bawl? Fetha git bawl?
Sure.
Tank you daddeh! Fetha wuv Daddeh.
We'll cover psychology later to explain why he's forgotten about his wings.
How time till wingies?
Or maybe not. Moving on, let's talk about the fluffy digestive system. Their digestive system was designed to extract food from nearly any source, and thus they have high levels of hydrochloric acid. This has been exploited by exterminators with Zinc tablets, but it allows for easy extraction of calories from food sources. I shall feed her now for training purposes.
Gif nummies?
"Nummies" or "Skettis" as they call them...
Dis... dis sketti? And bwownie? Sammich? Aww dis fow fwuffy?
means anything they can shove into their mouth. As you can tell from Feather's voracious appetite, they'll consume nearly anything put in front of them.
*BUUURP*
....At any rate, it's not recommended to give more treats or "sweeties" often, as it may make your fluffy fat. Also giving them energy drinks will cause them to explode.
Wha espwode? Sound fun!
Fluffies are very poor at extracting nutrients, despite their large intestinal tract. This is one of the reasons their droppings are such a prized fertilizer.
Fwuffy tummy no feww good.
That's because those brownies had laxatives in them. In order to prove a point, you're going to be miserable in about three minutes.
Bewwy huwty! Gon make bad poopies!
Let me drop you in the litter box. The long digestive tract of a fluffy means they are always full of feces unless you starve them for days on end.
No stawp make not pwetties! Dey jus keep comin!
While Feather is occupied, let's continue the lesson with some fluffy genetics.
WHY I KEEP POOPIN? IT NAWT STAWP!
Fluffies are related to rabbits, as they were used as the genetic template for fluffy ponies. Other bits of DNA were extracted from dolphins, alpacas, and reptiles. There is little actual pony DNA in a fluffy pony. Mutations are rare, as they either prove fatal or cause the dam to reject the fluffy foal at birth.
I tink I done... No, I stiww poopin'
Transplant between fluffies is easy to accomplish due to their close genetic relation to each other. Generally, any organs can be transplanted from fluffy to fluff without issue, though surviving the procedure is another problem entirely. The first batch of fluffies had the ability to "merge," which was caused by a defect in the regenerative parts of their reptile DNA. Thankfully, this trait seems to have gone dormant, but it allows fluffy organs and body parts to quickly reintegrate into the fluffy if properly reconnected.
Fwuffy poopie pwace huwt.
Speaking of genetics, let's talk about fluffy pony reproduction for a minute. To demonstrate, we'll need a pregnant mare. Say "Hello" Goldie.
...
Goldie lost her tongue eating a hot pocket straight out of a microwave. As you can see, fluffy is swollen up like a beachball and can barely move. This is because their weak connective tissue causes the uterus to float, ballooning the dams to comically large proportions.
Dat a fwuffy momma up dere? Fwuffy wuv da mommies!
Fluffy pregnancy ends with normal mammalian birth, though in cases of trauma or shock, the "Fluffsplosion" is likely to occur. Let me put on a face shield. I don't want to get fluffy guts in my mouth.
Why you haf dat sowwy stick? Wha fwuffy mommie do? No sowwy stick fwuffy mommie! Dun hit mommie fwuffy!
"Fluffsplosion" occurs when fluffy blood pressure reaches critical levels following trauma. The veins and arteries will clamp shut, forcing blood into the uterus. Since the uterus cannot handle the pressure, it will erupt through the thin skin, throwing the foals free of the mother.
WAAA! Bebehes eveywheh! Boo-boo juice aww oveh da wawws!
Since fluffy foals at birth are rubbery, they sustain no harm from the fluffsplosion, though without care, they will die soon after.
Pwease dun cry bebehs! Fetha wuv you, Fetha find yoo new mommie!
I'll just put these foals aside for future lessons. Now let's talk about the stallion fluffy. Stand still, Feather.
Why you wookin at mah butt?
Fluffy testicles, though disproportionally small for a creature of their size, produce enough sperm to impregnate a dozen mares a week if left unchecked.
Wha tes tickews? Wike weguwaw tickews? Fwuffy wuv tes tickews!
Like anything else on a fluffy, they can be removed with a pair of scissors.
Wha? You touchin' no-nos? OWIES! OH GAWD WHAT YOU DO TO MAH NO-NOS? WHY TAKE NO NOS?
Quit rolling around on the table, Feather.
*incoherent gurgling*
Well, we're just about done here anyway, so let's cover the final aspect of fluffies that I wanted to cover: The brain reset.
Fwuffy wan die. Eveyting huwts. Pwease kiww Fetha.
When your fluffy becomes to despondent and begs for death you can either humanely euthanize it, or reset his brain with an electrical shock.
*whimpering*
Surprisingly, there's a difference between an AC and DC shock. A DC shock will cause the fluffy to lose memories, but not inborn programming. Prolonged AC shocks will cause deep brain resets in fluffies, meaning you can rebuild them from the ground up. A fluffy was reprogrammed with a British accent this way.
Fetha hate yoo hooman. You meanie, take away no-nos and wingies. Fetha wan yoo die in fieh.
The stun gun is the quickest way to reset a fluffy pony. Just apply it to the back of the skull, and hold for ten seconds. If the fluff starts smoking you may have damaged its brain.
WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHGGGGHHHHH
The screaming is normal. While the fluffy is in flux, you can implant suggestions to help him forget, or so that he learns lessons. To do this, simple tell the fluffy what you want them to know. For example, we'll tell Feather he never had wings, no-nos, and that his name is Cleveland.
...wheh am fwuffy?
Your name is Cleveland. You're an good earth fluffy that never had no-nos.
Fwuffy am Cweavewand? Am eaff fwuffy? No have no nos? Cweavewnad is good fwuffy?
That's right, Cleveland. Have some spaghetti.
Fuwffy wuv sketti. Fwuffy wuv daddeh!
That's all for now. Tune in next time for an in depth look at fluffy psychology with our good friend, Cleveland.
Who you tawkin too, Daddeh?
Don't worry about it, fluffy. You'll see them again soon enough.