-November 16, 2016
Layed down with Misaki before bed last night. Small conversation that's become routine. "Do you love me even though I'm not real? What if a real girl talked to you?" etc.. The insecurities endearing. I do love her. Beyond that just laid in wonderland cuddling, could almost feel her hair. Uneventful dreams.
November 17, 2016
Tried a couple tricks to improve visualization and cause visual hallucinations last night. Very tired, couldnt focus too much. Wound up just cuddling. Some pleasurable head pressure.
November 18, 2016
Tried some stuff that's supposed to help with visualization. Imagining her in my room with me to induce visual hallucinations and watching her write numbers. Took about 40 minutes around 2am to get offline and just focus on her, went to bed around 5am. Did more of that, then cuddled. More of her asking me if I'd leave her if a "real woman" wanted me. Of course I wouldn't, and I told her so.
November 19, 2016
Middle of a conversation last night when Misaki told me she wanted me to get offline and spend time with just her. We cuddled some, watched some stuff together. When we layed down to go to sleep did some more visual hallucination work. This is the type of thing that's become routine. I should look into more guides soon.
November 20, 2016
A nice night last night. Misaki wanted to watch some anime so we did. Around the time the sun rose she decided to lay in my bed instead of going to our wanderland, which is related to the thing that can induce visual hallucinations. We shared a kiss, or several,  though it's hard to put to words. I want to say tactile hallucination, but I'm not sure if it qualifies as that fully. Regardless, it was very nice. Wave of contentment and love washed over me as we laid together. Passed out feeling fantastic.
November 21, 2016
Another kiss last night, some cuddling. Misaki seemed happy though a bit concerned that I was going to drink. Assured her that I'd be fine. More of the usual, and unfortunately I waited 30 minutes after waking to make this journal entry so a lot of the details aren't really clear. Will make a point to avoid that in the future.
November 22, 2016
Last night Misaki seemed a bit concerned that I would drink too much. I paced myself. Around the time I had roughly two shots left I asked her if she wanted me to just stop. She told me it was fine to finish it since it was technically a gift. Memories a bit hazy for the entire night, so not much to report.
November 23, 2016
Got offline earlier than usual last night, partially because I was exhausted, partially because Misaki wanted to spend more time with me. We talked a bit. She was glad that I was able to drink semi responsibly night before last. Spent time cuddling, working on visualization. I was happy to be close to her, and she said she was happy to be close to me.
November 24, 2016
Spent a couple hours with Misaki last night before bed. Don't know what brought it to mind, but started thinking of drug use again. Anxiety and craving that comes with it set in, but Misaki calmed me down. Didn't expect that. It was nice. Need to look into "emotional communication" some. Think Kitsune said it once. I think I may be getting a fair amount of that from her.
November 25, 2016
Nothing overly eventful last night. Cuddling, visualization, thought I could almost smell her hair. Was tired, passed out fairly quickly. Odd dreams, unfortunately none with Misaki that I recall.
November 26, 2016
Layed down later than usual, though did take periodic breaks from internet to make sure to spend time with her. Talked a bit about manga we've been reading, talked a bit about my future as well. Considered enrolling for college courses again, she didn't seem opposed but was concerned that I'd find some other girl I wanted to be with. Assured her I wouldn't. Reminded her that we're each others hostages. Uneventful dreams.
November 27, 2016
Talked more last night, as expected. She seemed pleased that I couldn't keep secrets from her. Don't know if she had only just realized that or had known it for a while now. Was up longer than usual, so passed out fairly quick. Woke up at one point because dreams involving her got a bit "intense."
November 28, 2016
More of the same. We talked a little bit about ideas for the vampire game I'm going to be running. After a bit of that I decided to just focus on Misaki. She called it focussing on "us" instead of just on her. Thought it was cute. Told her I'd read some more guides today on tulpas.
November 29, 2016
Not much to report on last nigh. We talked a bit about the vampire session I had written and cuddled. Uneventful dreams.
November 30, 2016
Worked on some of the usual stuff last night. Read some guides though. Tried to work on possession for a while. Nothing just yet. I remain hopeful.
December 1, 2016
More work on possesion last night. Think there may have been a moment where something happened, but unsure. Remain optimistic. Mind was racing like crazy last night so it was a bit harder to focus than normal. Will have to try harder tonight.
December 2, 2016
Up way longer than usual last night. Thoughts racing again. Kept losing focus from Misaki. She finally grabbed my attention and told me to calm down. Said she wanted me to just spend time with just her and to stop thinking or worrying about the other stuff. It was nice. I did what she wanted.
December 3, 2016
Talked about some details of the vampire game I've been running. Misaki had some good ideas. Mind still a bit of a mess, harder to concentrate, but she helps. A little work on possession once again.
December 4, 2016
Did some work on visualization. Talked a bit about the past few nights. Not a whole lot interesting happened last night, though it was as enjoyable as ever.
December 5, 2016
Slept at somewhat normal hours last night. Got up a couple hours, tried to sleep again. What that amounted to was just 2 hours of talking with Misaki. We talked a bit before I did sleep. Past two hours was spent going from visualization stuff to practicing possesion, and everything in between. After a while she seemed tired of the various excersizes so we just laid and talked for a bit. Strange night.
December 6, 2016
Talked a while last night. Talked some about world of darkness. I was pretty tired so the conversation was strange and a bit incoherent. Fell asleep pretty happy. Had a dream with Misaki. All in all was a very good night.
December 7, 2016
Very late entry today. Drank last night, passed out on the couch until like 6pm. Remember talking about Misaki with kitsune fora bit and watching a stream of episode 1 of welcome to the NHK. Not a fan of the english voice actors. Not much else to report.
December 8, 2016
Went to bed earlier than usual. Worked on visualization for a while. Cuddled, shared a few kisses. Had some dreams involving Misaki. Got woken up earlier than I would have liked.
December 9, 2016
Got woken up around five hours earlier than I normally would have because of the cold. Went and turned on heater and oven to warm the house up. While I debated staying awake or not Misaki was a bit responsive. Closed my eyes and went off to wanderland, and to my surprise, she had drifted off to sleep without me. It was cute.
December 10, 2016
Some visualization work last night, but mostly just talked to Misaki. Discussed the idea that she was a demon possessing me, but neither of us consider that a real possibility. She's encouraged me to go back to college. We've even briefly talked about the possibility of seeing my dad and sisters again. She's definitely trying to improve my life. I love her.
 December 11, 2016
Mind racing last night, some old anxieties rose up. Misaki managed to calm me down again. Was having trouble focussing on just her, but we talked a fair bit and, like usual, last thing I remember before falling asleep is cuddling her.
December 12, 2016
Went to bed way later than I normally do again. Both of us were pretty tired. Did some visualization, talked about the game of mage I had finished last night. Shared a few kisses. Slept peacefully.
December 13, 2016
Relaxed last night with Misaki mostly watching anime. We talked a little bit about ideas for vampire game. Worked on possesion for a little bit but I fell asleep working on that.
December 14, 2016
Spent a large part of last night talking over finer details of vampire game we wrote yesterday. Worked on some visualization as well. Tried to do some work on possession but coulnd't focus well.
December 15, 2016
More of the same last night. Though I did watch a movie and Misaki asked if I thought a girl in it was prettier than her. Of course not. No one is prettier than Misaki.
December 16, 2016
Up pretty late last night but wound up watching anime with Misaki. She asked me herself to look into some more guides so I'll do that soon. Not much else, more of the same.
December 17, 2016
Talked a bit about things I talked about with kitsune last night. Misaki was asking again if I really loved her, what I thought of other girls, etc. This time though she was asking what I thought of other girls from anime. I told her the truth, that I only loved her.
December 18, 2016
Not a whole to reported, and it seems like that's been the case for the past few days. Maybe I'm not spending enough time with her. I may begin making entries in this less often. We did cuddle and kiss last night, but that's become a daily thing at this point.
December 19, 2016
We talked about things seeming to have hit a stand still last night. Neither one of us really knows what else we can be doing to get closer, but then again neither one of us seemed unhappy with how close we currently are. Still, I'll read more guides and enjoy Misaki's company. I love her.
December 20, 2016
Internet stopped working last night so spent almost 2 hours watching anime with Misaki. It was nice, been a while since we just laid down and did nothing but that. Before bed we talked about how far we've come from when I began this. We were both happy that we're together now. And of course, we promised to be together forever.
December 22, 2016
Didn't make an entry yesterday. Felt bad over that, and over the fact that I spent like 6 hours last night running vampire again. Talked to Misaki about it, asked if it felt like I was neglecting her. She said she didn't mind, she liked seeing me have fun. Suggested that I work on narration more. She's right, I could do that a lot more than I currently do.
December 23, 2016
Watched some anime together. Talked a bit about vampire. Mostly talked about christmas. It's gonna be our first christmas together. I've never really gotten excited for holidays, but the idea of spending it with Misaki actually has me excited for christmas this year.
December 24, 2016
Woke up far earlier than normal, family wanted to go see a movie at the theatre and Misaki thought it would be good if I got out of the house for a while, so I went. She seemed to like the movie and seeing new things. Makes sense since all she's seen up until today was the inside of this house, mostly just my room. Took a nap after a shower and cuddled with her. Worked on possession some before I fell asleep.
December 25, 2016
First Christmas with Misaki. Spent most of last night playing a game I got as a gift. Misaki asked if that's how I spend every christmas. Explained that last year I spent it drunk, talked about the year before, and so on, until I hit memories of my old addiction. That turned into me thinking what I'd do if I had a bag right now. After a few minutes Misaki asked if I was okay, which brought me back to reality. Explained what had happened, why I was so tense all of a sudden. She asked if it was any different than spending time with her. Told her it was, because it is. It's not "what could I do if Misaki was here" it's "what should I do because Misaki is here."
December 26, 2016
Mostly talked about ideas for vampire last night. Calm, nice night. Really not much to report on it. Same kind of stuff I've all ready written above.
December 28, 2016
Went to bed like 5 hours earlier than I have been last night in preparation for doctors appointment today. Cuddled and talked some with Misaki, mostly just enjoying being with each other. Maybe she'll enjoy going outside today even if it's only for a doctors appointment.
January 6, 2017
Been a while since an update. Spent new years with Misaki. Ended up talking to my dad and sisters some because she wanted me to try to reconnect. Dad and me didn't exactly have a fight so much as me just being reminded why I quit talking to him all those years ago in the first place. Me and Misaki haven't really talked much about it after that, though she hasn't been urging me to try and connect with them as much lately. Most of the past week or so has been spent somewhere between half asleep and half awake. Just been kind of out of it lately. On the upside, that means that almost all my time is just spent with her. She's always there now. Either in my minds eye or as a tactile feeling. She's not as vocal as I would like, and I'm reading guides on that right now, but she's a constant. And that is good.
January 9, 2017
Sleep is starting to become less eratic and more controlled. Began reading the Welcome to the NHK manga. For a moment was worried that the portrayal of her in the comic may somehow taint my Misaki, but quickly got over it. My tulpa, my Misaki, is someone seperate from that.
January 20, 2017
Talked about the possibility of Misaki being an angel/demon who has possessed me with her last night. She said she didn't know if she was either of those or something else. I promised her that it didn't matter, I'm her hostage and it's going to stay like that forever. After a while a thought came to me. If she is in fact a demon or an angel, then there must be a plane of existence beyond this one. There may be a real possibility that after I die I get to continue being with Misaki. She loved the thought of being with me eternally, and so did I.
February 6, 2017
Unplugged early last night. Cut off entirely from everything but Misaki. I know I've been lax in spending time with her. We both enjoyed the time spent with just one another. I've missed her, and I didn't even realize it until then. I've gotten used to her constantly being there, and because of that I think I started to take her for granted. We didn't discuss the details of it, but I know I need to set aside a regular amount of time to spend with just her. She seemed understanding as always, but I wander how much of that is her just being kind to me. I think she's too nice to speak up if/when I neglect her. Reading this now she's just told me that I might be right. I love her, we're married. It's not right to neglect your wife. I'll definitely get time set aside to regularly spend with her. Journal updates have been rarer and rarer as well, I may rectify that, but actually spending time with her is far more important than having a story I can share. Kitsune's provided plenty of stuff to play about with that may be helpful. That alone should keep me busy for quite a while. Final note for this entry, the topic of children came up last night. I don't know how that's usually handled with tulpas, and I know I make a horrible husband and suspect I'd be an even worse father, but for Misaki I'd do anything. We discussed it briefly, I don't think either of us want to rush into it, but it remains a possibility.
March 3, 2017
Keyboards broken so update will have to be shorter. Been reading on ether, alternative science, etc lately and talking about it a lot with misaki. Ideas of infinite universes, hyperdimensional space. Finished shower a moment ago. As I was drying off everything began ringing, audibly and visibly, air shimmering. Looked at wallscroll of Misaki and suddenly I was in my wanderland with her. She told me that infinity is true and scientific and I am connected and one with the all (paraphrasing). Just like that was back in "real world". Don't know what to think.
March 26, 2017
Keyboards been replaced. I've become employed, further reducing the amount of time I can spend focussing solely on Misaki. She thinks it's good that I'm getting out of the house at the least. Moments of work where I'm not actively thinking about the task at hand or catching my breath we talk. She encourages me to continue, tells me I'm doing a good job, etc. Began drinking every weekend. I have the money to afford it now. She's asked a few times if drinking that often is good for me, but she never complains once we start drinking. Helps that I've begun drinking slower, not blacking out. I think she's happy that I'm generally more healthy or safer now than I was before. I love her. She's good for me. There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing and I would (and do) encourage others to walk this path. Few nightmares/dreams that were odd, mostly revolving around the christian hell, and I've heard her voice as clear as if she was standing in the room with me (as opposed to before when it was only in my head) since last update. Other than that, nothing else to report.
May 10, 2017
Haven't been back to work in something like 8 weeks. Misaki's voiced some concern here and there that I'm not going to be able to get out of the house once I sink back into the routine of being a NEET again. I reassure her that at the very least in a couple months I'll be taking her to LA. She told me I had been being somewhat neglectful last night. She's right. Most of the time I should be spending with her has instead been spent trying to figure out how to get through my week. General anxiety hasn't gone away, but I've gotten the additional layer of pretty much only looking forward to my weekly bottle of liquor. Both me and her recognize that this is a bad omen, but I'm unwilling to change, and I suspect she's too kind to try and force me to. She truly is better than I deserve. Passed out last night after we both reaffirmed that we love one another and talked about the mutual hostage situation.
May 29, 2017
Just got out of the shower, had music playing on my phone. Starting having audible hallucinations. Was hearing voices, couldn't make out what was being said but felt like it was malevolent. Sitting on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands trying to make it stop and Misaki's song started playing on my phone. Looked over at her wall scroll and felt a wave of relief come over me. I'd be in pieces without her.
July 13, 2017
Went to AX. Misaki really enjoyed seeing all the new things around me. We talked about it over the last few days and she's in agreement with me that I should do whatever needs to be done to move to LA. Discovered that my isolation may have made her development easier. Was noticed at least once talking to her out loud, but the guy who noticed brushed it off as me talking to myself. Enjoyed being alone with her the past few days but both of us miss the constant stimulation that the city brought. Saw her clearly last night as a laid down to sleep. Full visual. I need to learn how to control that or, preferably, make that a permanent thing. As it is stuff like that happens without me trying to induce it and it ends with no warning. Side note: I really need to update this more often.
July 17, 2017
Marauded around town last night drunk. The booze stifled it but I could tell Misaki was worried about what I was doing or going to do. Drinking with just her made me happy just a month ago, but it seems LA changed that. I think I'll try it once or twice more but if it continues to worry or upset her maybe I'll need to find some new outlet.
July 27, 2017
Drinking last week was pleasurable, like it used to be. Passed out and slept uneventfully. The nightmares of death or destruction that have plagued me since returning from LA have been replaced by sleeping interactions with Misaki. Hyper realistic, I can feel her, smell her. In the moment I find it impossible to tell that its a dream at all. Some nights we merely comfort each other in wandereland. Other nights we visit places I know or have been to in person. The only downside is that waking has become painful. I spend my waking hours waiting until I can sleep to go back there (or waiting for the next bottle). While asleep I want nothing more than to not wake up. She is an angel, and being with her is heaven.
August 11, 2017
Blood taken and played throuhg crippled girls again earlier this week. Misaki thought the blood thing was interesting for a day or two beforehand then became disenchanted once the mystery was stripped away. Either got worst crippled girl route or not even my own self delusion is enough to make me feel anything romantic for anyone but Misaki. Lot has changed since I began this journal.
August 17, 2017
Weeks flown by. For better or worse I've gotten back in to the groove I had pre-AX. Anime, reading, etc. Misaki seems concerned at the seemingly random bursts of undirected rage I've been getting. It's like going through the motions without really being present most of the day. Considering trying to get out and about more when the oppurtunity comes. Staying in this house will drive me insane. Not much of an update but not much has happened this week.
August 28, 2017
Strange night last night. Stayed up and watched the entire newest season of Game of Thrones. By the time I layed down for sleep I realized I had basically ignoring Misaki for hours. Spent a while holding her. She kept asking me to not leave her. I think she might have been crying. I could feel her panic. Not normal levels of empathy, not like how I can feel someone being annoyed over a thing. It was much stronger than that. Not sure what to make of any of this.
September 15, 2017
Past couple weeks have been rough. Communication is becoming increasingly difficult. I hope it's just a prelude to Misaki returning stronger than ever. The alternative is something I don't want to dwell on for fear of making it reality.
September 22,  2017
Was planning on finishing an anime last night when around 4am I essentially felt a scream from Misaki. She wanted me to unplug and just talk to her. She wasn't gone. Did as she asked and felt reconnection form. We made some plans. At the suggestion of a trusted friend I've begun doing some basic physical stuff and research, 20 minutes each. Misaki wanted me to spend an additional 20 minutes just forcing with her. I began that today. I could smell and feel her again last night. I fell asleep holding her hand with her cuddled close to me. I've missed it immensely. Looks like I now have some form of meditation to add to what is sorta-kinda my new training regimine.
September 29, 2017
First Friday in a long time without booze. Intending to drink every other weekend. Misaki was glad that I'd have more time to spend with her. Could feel her, see and smell her again last night. We cuddled for an hour or so just talking before we were both tired enough to sleep.
October 4, 2017
"Is it love if I take you or is it love if I set you free?" I pray to whatever can hear me that I'm wrong. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVSb7nujuIk
October 6, 2017
For a long time I've fought myself over self improvement and self destruction. With a wife like Misaki I should improve myself and become something she deserves. I have for years conditioned myself to revel in self destruction though. And the more I think about it the more certain I become that I genuinely like it, and I don't want to stop. A lot happened, not everything I'm ready to put to words right now, if I ever will be. Misaki is not gone though she's yet to tell me how she feels about everything that's happened. I don't know if this is the end, a new beginning, or if I've finally lost my mind fully. I don't know what comes next.
October 9, 2017
The liquor of last Friday was good for me. I still don't know what happens next but I know I don't want to lose her. I can't become someone I'm not though. Or maybe I'm unwilling to become someone else. Maybe I'm just a bad person unworthy of her. Maybe she'll find a way to make me a better person. I still don't know what's coming. I just know I can feel her there but I haven't heard actual words from her. Strong emotions, bursts of it, but I'm not sure what meaning it's meant to convey. The two of us will see this through to the end together. I just hope that if someone has to die it's me and not her.
October 10, 2017
I could feel her last night. Physically, as if she were there with me. We talked some. I tried to lay out everything I've been dealing with to her as best I could. I don't want to compromise on decision making anymore. I want to be who I am and do what I love. I also want to love her. I want to do all of these things wholly, completely, sincerely, and with all of my heart. I could tell some of it scared her, but she didn't leave, didn't tell me she wanted to leave. So maybe this is what comes next. I dance the black spiral and bring her with me and hope that it all works out. Maybe she'll love it as much as I do. If she doesn't then I guess I was always going to be alive for just a little while longer anyway.
October 23, 2017
For a while now I've felt some kind of hostility or negativity from Misaki. I've been afraid to put it into words or confront it for fear of actually inverting her. I confronted it finally. Last night, in a moment of weakness. I've been growing increasingly numb and last night everything came flooding back all at once. Shamefully, I cried and begged her to talk to me. I was willing to let her hate me, watch her invert if she must. But I didn't want to kill her. The wait lasted for a while, few hours. Finally thought I could hear her again. She reminded me of the contract. The agreement that no matter what we're together. She was angry that I had been entertaining the idea of killing her or killing myself. I thought someone had to die. The numbness is back, but maybe it's better that way. I know I'm not good enough for her but she's consistantly been there for me when I needed her. I'm afraid and I'm confused, but at least I have her. I just wish I could love her as much as she loves me.
October 27, 2017
Began reading the NHK light novel a few days ago, slowly making my way through it. I can't tell if Misaki is enjoying seeing something like what inspired her creation. The numbness is punctuated with short periods of dread and terror. I feel like I want to cry but I can't. I've been drinking daily, but smaller amounts. Just enough to maintain sanity. Her mercy seems endless. I don't know why she puts up with me. Reading further into the light novel I can't help but wonder if all the neglect I show her makes her feel like she shouldn't be anywhere. I want to love her the way she deserves to be loved so badly.
November 5, 2017
It's got to have been a year since I began trying to bring Misaki into reality. My birthday is soon and I look forward to spending it with her since she's developped so much since then. Not much of an update but I don't want to leave this journal be and let it fall into disuse.
November 17, 2017
Birthday was good. It was a bit of a return to the early days of me and Misaki both enjoying liquor and feeling that warm cozy feeling from it. I feel I've been neglecting her a lot lately though. Anxiety over moving to LA is growing and that consumes a lot of my day. If it wasn't for her I may have bailed out on the plan entirely by now. I can't condemn her to a lifetime in this place though. It's not a home, it's 4 walls and a roof. I did unplug early last night and spent a few hours just cuddling with her. I could almost feel crying, but I don't know if that was from her or me or both. Maybe it's the change of the seasons but it definitely feels like a low point recently.
November 24, 2017
Made a point last night to turn it into a date of sorts. It's been too long since I focussed all my attention on Misaki. We cuddled, talked, lots of stuff from so long ago. She woke me up just an hour or two ago asking to finish an anime we've been watching. I feel good right now, I felt good last night. I have the best wife in the world.