Thread 1: Stories 31-45

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 >Applejack?

>Ah, Cadence... always happy tah see ya'll about these parts.

>I've got a question.

>Do ya' ever not? Ah' swear you ask me fer somethin' every week.

>It's just... how did you become an alicorn?

>What now?

>You're an Alicorn. The horn and wings. How'd that happen?

>What're ya'll talkin' about, Ah don't have-GAAAH!

>What!?

>WHERE THE BUCK DID THOSE COME FROM!? Sweet merciful tarnation, how long have those been there!? And a horn! AH' HAVE A HORN! Oh fer lands sakes, why did'n anyone tell me!? Mah entire life has changed! WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS!?

>...Are you serious?

>Lord no, that would be silly. Celestia pulled me into a magic white room, sang at me for a bit and then handed me a bunch of tax codes so I could get started. Pretty standard stuff.

>Ah. Good show?

>It was for me.
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 "Celestia, Shinin' keeps actin' strange, you think he's dropping hints about somethin'?."

>Whatever about, Applejack?

"Hard to say, should we ask him?"

>No no, I'm sure whatever it is will blow over in no time at all.
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 You've come such a long, long way
And I've watched you from that very first day
To see how you audit
To see what you might pass
To see who you'll lead through
And all the ways you've made me trust in you

It's time now for a new change to come
You've grown up and your new life has begun
To gather new taxes
To enact new charters
To find new resources
For it's time for you to fulfill my duties
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 "Now, let's not get so glum and move onto the new balloon design. I don't know how you convinced Celestia to part with these stable gases from the star but they're much safer than the combustable hydrogen we were using..."

>Pfft! Hahaha!

"Did I say something wrong, Princess?"

>Can you say the last sentence again?

"What? Like, I don't know how you convinced Celestia to part with..."

>Haha! Pffff-hahahahahah!

 >>Celly, about the trade agreement with the diamond dog capital, Ah wanted to go over a list of things to mention in the negoti- what in tarnation?

>"Hahahahahahaha, oh Applejack, you sound like a filly now! Squeaky squeak! Whine whine! How adorable! This was the (hahaha) most fun I've had (haha) ever since you've been elev...(hahaha) become a princess!"

>>It's something in the air, isn't it? Did ya fart out something so much it fills yer entire room? How are you not affected by it? And fun? Now you make a mockery of me at the expense of my ability to work with my subjects!

>"'Mockery of me at the expense of my ability to work with my subjects.' Come now, dear Applejack. You've only taken three days off during the last year and those three days were spent organizing gatherings with your extended family. Even a pony of your stamina and unbreakable will would soon burn out and be jaded!"

>"Now that your "ability to work" has been compromised I order, nay, ask you to take the whole day off until your voice returns to normal."

>>Ugh. Fine. Until whatever you put in the air is spread thin.

>"Normally the gas is light enough that it should just gather at the ceiling and dissipate, but today is one of those days my biological activities become a bit errant... has to do something with the sunspot activity."

>>Come again?

>"You didn't know? Pockets of low temperature on the sun's surface, low enough to be seen as black compared to... Sorry. I sometimes forget that there isn't a telescope invented specifically for viewing the sun yet. Just think of it as me being me."

>>Alright, alright. I won't even be talking to my guards with this kind of voice... Wait. How are you not affected?

>"I'm directly projecting my voice to your mind. My lips are just miming what I want to see."

>>Is that so? Before I go, I want to hear you speak like I did, right now. You owe me that much.

>"Alright..."

"Please don't laugh at me too much, please?"

>Wahahahaha! Hahahahaha!

 >>So yer saying, what you're farting is basically some kind of gas that's lighter than air, doesn't have an odor and not poisonous. Is that so?

>"I wouldn't go so far to say it's... "fart," as you say, but yes. The reason your voice got higher in pitch is because the gas is much lighter than the air we breathe, so the air vibrates much faster in our necks. I do have to periodically release the gas build up in order to keep me from bursting. An inconvenience stemming from being connected to the sun for so long."

>>Interesting... and nobody else aside from your sister knows of its existence yet?

>"That's correct."

>>Do you know where else can Ah get the same kind of gas?

>"I have absolutely no idea. Why do you ask?"

>>Because Ah think your fart would be a highly valuable commodity, if Ah'm getting to it correctly...

>"Oh? So you're suddenly thinking of forcefully extracting my gas for some kind of petty revenge? I said you can take the day off but now you're overstepping your boundaries... Wait, where did you get the rope and gas cylinder?"

>>The rope? Ah carry it with me all the time. Ach for the cshl'ndr, d' rem'mber Ah'm also a princhess...

 >>Ah think it worked quite well. Too well, in fact. I've never seen a balloon fly so high before without being heated up.

>"Filling up a balloon with the gas may be a feasable idea, afterall. If we can scale up the balloon we may have a new class of airship in our hooves."
>"Similar research was being done to replace the air heaters in commercial airships, but the only type of gas they could find was hydrogen. You know how the prototype ended up."

>>Ah know. The airshipyard chief is still in recovery and project manager dead, last time Ah heard.

>"This gas would be able to replace hydrogen for floatation, because the last time I checked my fireplace didn't explode while I was in the period. Scaling up the size of the balloon and adapting preexisting airship designs should be trivial. The problem is, I certainly won't be hooked up to a machine, giving out the gas for the rest of my life..."

>"Princess Celestia, Princess Applejack. I bring urgent news from Los Pegasus.

>"What is it?"

>"There was some kind of mining accident near Los Pegasus about 17 hours ago, minor injuries and no trapped miners down there. What's wierd is, after around 10 hours since the mining accident occurred, citizens of Los Pegasus started speaking in this, wierd, high pitch like foals and what the foals are saying couldn't be heard. We would like to get input from one of the princesses at the site."

>"Well, Applejack. I guess you found your supply of the gas."

>>I'll get to it. Take my place for a week, would ya? Gotta spends some more time at the city after it's dealt with.

 >Hahahahahaha! Haha...

"You know, if you're going to trip over memories and undergo mood swings like that, I guess living for so long doesn't appeal to me anymore."

>Oh shush. You gotta let this old mare have some fun once in a while.

"Yeah, you're never coming close to the wheel or the engine rooms. I'll get a court order if I have to."

>Try me.
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 >"Howdy, Princess Luna, got a minute-?"

>"NAY! Thou shalt naught torment us with thine doomsaying! We shall never take blame as our sister! Away!"
>Luna flees a sonic speeds through the castle halls.

>Applejack's eyes narrow
"Oh, no ya don'!"
>Gives chase to Luna

>During said chase they knock over a bunch of guards
>Blow up parts of the castle in attempts to block escape or block pursuit
>Activate all of the traps in the Canterlot Castle
>Jump onto the backs of their respective guards and chase eachother with them
>used disguises in attempts to escape or ambush the other
>But after a long chase, Applejack finally corners Luna

>She's smashing a piece of paper in Luna's face.
>"SIGN IT! SIGN THA DAMN BILL!"

>"NEVER! NOR SHALL WE GAZE UPON YOUR POLITICAL PROPHECY!"
>Luna's missing several teeth right now and is bleeding from her nose but still refuses to sign it

>Press O to persuade Luna to sign the bill
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 >Celestia.

"Applejack. What do I owe you for this wonderful, joyous occasion?

>You remember me saying the Crystal Empire needs more farmland to survive?

"Yes. I also remember having to come up with the land usage plans and time tables because both Cadance and Shining Armor still cannot count numbers larger than 5,130."

>Wow. I guess that's why the entire guard branch consisted of only 5,120 ponies before I stepped in... Anyway, you should be proud that your planning payed off and the Crystal Empire has enough food reserves to last them two years, because they aren't getting any from the outside during this entire winter.

"How could that happen? Wait, don't answer me... Something wrong with the trains?"

>Two bridges and a tunnel. Collapsed because too much snow piled up. Not an avalanche, just four hooves of snow. I don't even understand how the tunnel collapsed.
(1 hoof = about half feet)

"Great. Just great. Would you point out to me where the bridges and the tunnel used to be?"

>North 33, Inter-Canterlot NB3 and Inter-Canterlot NT3.

"NB3 and NT3... you mean the only way up to the entire northern Equestria?"

>That's correct.

 "I... I personally oversaw the construction of the bridge and tunnel. I didn't design them myself, of course, but I have full trust on the designers that their proposals are safe and sound."

>If that's so, I think the bridges and the tunnel are just symptoms of a larger problem. Were the workers and designers of the bridges and tunnels officially certified?

"Certified? Well, their cutie marks would be more than enough validation, would they not?"

>Certified, as in via means of officially sanctioned and endorsed educational institutions?

"We... didn't feel the need for such an institution that teaches construction and what not."

>And that goes to the project managers, engineers and mechanics that are working on the infrastructure as we speak?

"Yes."

>Pffff-hehehe-hahahahaha! Hahahahaha... Haha...

"I fail to see what's funny, Applejack."

>It's alright, Princess. All I have to do is to personally inspect every single one of these projects to make sure they INCLUDE DAMNED SAFETY MARGINS FOR SUPPORT STRUCTURES SO THEY WON'T COLLAPSE WHEN AS SO MUCH AS RAIN FALLS AND PILES UP ON TOP OF THEM! HOW DID THE CASTLE DIDN'T COLLAPSE FOR TEN CENTURIES?

"Well... sometimes parts of a roof may fall off... But that's okay! We manage the weather patterns precisely so no excess snow piles on top of the rooftops!"

>Ah can't believe it. Ah can't... I thought it was only happening in Ponyville, with that aborted tower and the town hall, but...

"Alright, I know. I'll send construction teams to work on rebuilding the tunnel and bridges immediately. You know this will cut through both of our cake budgets."

>Yes, yes. But you know this is would happen again if our construction efforts are being done by ponies that are at best making educational guesses, when ponies' lives are at stake!

"Are you suggesting another course of action, then?"

>We need to educate the engineers and mechanics in their jobs so that they won't make the same mistakes again.

 "An academy, then? Something equivalent to Starswirl's academy, I suppose? Founding another school would be a massive undertaking, but maybe I can assist in that by assigning some of my most trusted scholars as-"

>No, Celestia. We need more earth ponies and pegasi in that school. Somep0ny more... down to earth, I should say. More connected to their creations and designs than your unicorns in the ivory tower... Damn. Sorry for insulting your trusted scholars like that. I just couldn't help.

"I know. At least with you, I get to solve these deep seated problems. problems I didn't know existed. That's why I have you around, to act as something like my exercise after binging on cake."

>I may suggest to the council cutting your cake budget permanently if you keep making those metaphors.
>They may want to do that right now, because they're blaming you for...

"IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO KEEP SAYING THAT!"
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 >Did ya'll hear? Cadence is releasing her memoirs this year! She says it's really going to inspire some less fortunate ponies.

>Oh, wonderful, what's the title?

>"Learning to count past the number Blue, a princess's story."

>...At least she's open about it. Though I wish we could get her past orange.

>Baby steps, yer highness, baby steps.
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 >Alrigh' Celesita, we need to talk.

>Do we? I'd much rather throw my head into the wall. Repeatedly. And then chew my way through it. But please, by all means.

>Did ya'll hire Spitfire?

>Yes, what's the problem? She's an exemplary flier, and has shown she has excellent teamwork skills.

>No. No she does not.

>....explain.

>Her team mate suffered an injury in the field and she almost let him crash into the ground.

>W-well, I mean, it is rather hard to catch a falling object.

>She also did not see him off when they carried him away.

>...more important things to do, I suppose?

>She didn't visit him in the hospital.

>.....Uh huh....

>And then she immediately tried ta' replace him. With Rainbow Dash. Tha' element of Loyalty. You told her about that, right? She knows about tha' giant window over there?

>....She might not be giving preferential treatment.

>She kicked a pony out of the Wonderbolt Academy for endangering us. On her word alone. No investigation, just Dash says it and off Lightning Dust goes.

>...She's a good flier!

>Fantastic, next time a dragon stomps through Ponyville, we can have her fly around and dazzle him into submission. Don't we have a less terrible candidate?

>They're all terrible! Seriously, I have never actually found a Wonderbolt who is both competent and a good person, so I went with competent, sue me.

>Uh huh. Was was she during the Changeline invasion, again?

>Uh...

>.....

>....IT'S NOT MY FAULT SHUT UP.

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>What is the status of the guard currently stationed in Ponyville, lieutenant?

"Sixth and Seventh companies of the third Canterlot tri-race regiment are patrolling the northern perimiter of the Everfree Forest, and another two companies consisting of Ponyville citizens are in reserve, Your Highness."

>Good. I want the Sixth tri-race company and as many volunteers from the reserves as you can gather. Have them ready to depart to the Everfree in two days. Pack for a three-days and two nights.

"That's about three hundred ponies, not even counting the reserves, Your Highness. Is there a threat originating from that area?"

>A threat? No, lieutenant. Officially, it's a training exercise for reconnaissance and traversing difficult terrain. I expect it to be a bit less structured than our usual excursions, because I'm going to a place with some personal reasons. Tell them to bring musical instruments if they like, I know I will pack my fiddle.

"Sounds like more of a camping trip back at elementary school(especially because there would be no hard cider, haha), but may I ask what those reasons would be? If I'm not imposing on you of course, Your Highness."

>Sure. Our destination would be an ancient castle used by Celestia and Luna back in the days. To make it short, the items contained in there would serve as valuable displays to the newly commissioned Historical Heritage Musiums in Canterlot and Hollow Shades.

"... You're hoping to find something that will rub off the faces of Her Majesties Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Your Majesty."

>Well, it's not her fault for not going back there to retrieve her foalhood family photo albums and portraits.

"Riiiiight... You know, Princess, these are the moments I'm glad I'm part of your retinue, not Princess Celestia's, because that would earn me a one way express trip to the glorious sun."
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>No.

>Aw, c'mon sugar-

>NO!

>It'd be real useful-

>We are not, and let me clarify this just so we all know, we are NOT, WEAPONIZING, SPIKE.

>It can't be that hard!

>Applejack, I said no when Luna asked, I said no when Shining Armor asked(though he seemed more interested in fighting the little guy than anything, weirdly enough), and I am saying no to you. We are not going to mind control Spike and use him to combat other dragons. It's not happening. No.

>You know he wants to.

>That's the point! The moment he finally gets power we're all doomed!

>...think yer' blowin' that one a bit out of tha water.

>You look me in the eye, and you tell me you honestly think Spike will react completely reasonably the moment he has the ability to stomp anyone who opposes him, and the inability to be sent to his room.

>.....

>.....

>Fine. But if a dragon attacks and we can't fight him off, Ah'm blamin' you.

>You know what? I'll wear that one with pride.
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>Good lord! You've defeated Chrysalis and the entire Changeling army!? But how?

"Bug zapper. Took like, five minutes to hook up. Stuck it on the top of Canterlot Castle and Ah watched the fireworks."

>Why didn't I think of that?

"Ah'm startin' ta' think ya'll like everything being yer' fault. A lot of these problems have themselves some real easy fixes."

>....Shut up.
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>Celestia!

>And it begins....

>No need tuh worry, no need to uh worry. Ah'm just tryin' to figure out a certain matter because, honestly, it still keeps me up at night wonderin' into the early hours.

>Oh, great. Starting with sarcasm. Should I just bend over now or later?

"Later. But Ah hafta ask... do y'all have some sort of 'damsel in distress' complex or something?"

>Not... necessarily? What an odd question, do I even want to know why you're asking me this?

>Because y'all done been insta-KO'ed an embarrassin' amount of times, Ah'm startin' to think ya like bein' face-down and plot-up.

>Why, such accusa--

>And Ah know Shinin's in charge of the royal guards and whatnot, but what're the regulations for actually makin' it into yer private protection services?

>Regulations...?

>...

>...

>Y'all don't even have any regulations, do ya? Ya just take whatever schmuck Shinin' tosses up, am Ah right?

>Hey, here's a thought. What say we skip this entire conversation and subsequent blaming of my person if I have the cooks whip up an apple cake...?

>...Y'all get the cake and we'll see.
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>Princess?

>Hold on, let me pick up this handy piece of floor real quick. Theere we go! I'll be with you in a sec!

>Actually, Ah' was lookin' fer Cadence, ya'll can bludgeon yerself later.

>Oh....oh! Is that why she ran past here so quickly? Good lord, I thought Shining Armor had lit himself on fire.... again.

>And ya'll didn't try to help?

>Last time this happened, the fire was caused by, and I swear I am quoting her with this, "Sexy roleplay." There are not enough bits, jewels and fluffy delicious cakes in the world to get me to help out with that again.

>Ah. Jus' wanted ta' ask her how her construction of a second railway is goin'.

>Honestly, if I had to guess, she took one look at all the legal jargon and ran away.

>Dang it.... wait, and ya'll knew about it?

>.....wait, shoot.

>So then this one is-

>APPLEJACK I SWEAR TO MY MOTHER IN THE SKY!

>...All yer fault.

>ARRRRRGH!
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