Route - Velvet

Theme
Learning?
If I had to do some anthropomorphism: a fawn
A child playing grown up
A story of firsts

Characters
Me:  Girl in relationship
Generic-Name: Boy in relationship
Two boy names which rhyme: Idk, I googled and came up with Aidan and Caden
Some-Hoe-Name: Girl he cheated on me with

Location
University


ACT ONE
On the plane back from Hong Kong, after I saw a young couple calming their crying infant, I thought wouldn’t it be nice to be able to find someone of my own
Will provide sketch of it I found in my notebook
Velvet goes off to college in her home state!
First night in, I obviously must go to a frat party and take my entire dorm floor with me
Soon, we meet at a Pi Iota Epsilon party, commence flirting
He was scrawny and just decent looking, I wasn’t too interested, we danced
He walked me to the bus stop and we sat on the metal stairway outside the convenience store
I lied and said I was a little chilly as an offhanded comment while we waited for the bus, he draped his jacket over me
He asks for my number, I tell him “next time”
Two weeks go by with a lot of drinking, partying, and making friends
He asks me to be his girlfriend
I say yes, because why not, it’s college the perfect time to experiment
My parents would take me home most weekends so as soon as I would come back at night, we would meet up at a picnic table halfway between our dorms, sit next to each other and talk in the comfort of the summer night’s warmth
One night he came out in his glasses, retainer, a bright orange oversized hoodie, pajama pants, and slides
That was the first time my heart actually skipped a beat for him
One day, while hanging out in his room he was on his computer wearing a beat up grey hoodie with the sleeves pushed up. Alicia Keys was playing in the background. I was playing a phone game when I looked up at him it just dawned on me that this guy was my boyfriend. An inexplicable feeling of joy welled up in my chest and this was the first time I could not control a smile from forming on my face. Saying the words aloud, I was on a calm cloud nine
Two weeks after we started dating, we both lost our virginity in my dorm
Meh wasn’t that special, overhyped
I think for our silly one month celebration, he made me a t-shirt that said “Please return to ‘Generic-Boy-Name’ if drunk”
It was silly but I loved it
Gradually we settle into a comfortable groove in our relationship (START TOXICITY HERE)
We attended class less often
Drank and partied too much
Played too many games, ordered too much delivery
I pretty much moved out of my dorm altogether and moved into his all-male dorm
Funny enough, there were a decent amount of girlfriends living with their boyfriends there that we pretty much claimed a bathroom for girls only
I rarely saw or talked to any of the friends I had just made
I wasn’t allowed to talk to other guys other than our friends inside of the dorm
Most guys who friended and messaged me on facebook were just hitting on me, so it was understandable to a certain degree, but I wanted to socialize with somebody not in our circle
We started arguing over little things more frequently
I felt kind of crazy and I experienced my first spell of “loud thoughts” and anxiety
But at this point, I already knew I loved him

ACT TWO
We’re clubbing in the city with our circle and some of my friends from high school and guys hit on me a, he protected me
Surprised me with little notes, flowers, or breakfast in the morning
“When I decide to date someone, it’s because I have the intention of marrying them”
He learned guitar and would play “I Won’t Give Up” by Jason Mraz
It was moments like these which happened sporadically which always drew me back in
We went to the shore for the weekend for an ultimate frisbee beach tournament with his high school friends he was on the team with
After a day of hanging out and tossing around we stroll on the boardwalk at night hand in hand, look at the stands, play some carnival games when all of a sudden fireworks come on
It was literally a storybook moment and I felt so much bliss in my heart that I was able to spend my days with this person
Of course he gets a text that back at the hotel, they started to key beers and race, so we sprinted back
Previously, all summer, we had fought consistently because I was unhappy
I was placing the responsibility of my happiness on him mistakenly but was not experienced enough to notice, all I knew was that I was unhappy
We return to school for our 2nd year, because of my constant praising of my mentors who were in greek life and my harsh teasing way of speech, I probably hurt him a lot more than I meant to
He started the process to join and the hours he would be gone at night would increase week by week until he would come back at 5-6 AM consistently
Blood, vomit, bruises, exhaustion, change in personality
They called it making him a man, I saw it as a path to destruction
I was against it all because I was the only one who could see the negative changes which often happens when someone joins greek life
He gave me the song “All of Me” by John Legend
It comforted me while I was up and couldn’t sleep at night waiting for him
It was a hard trial for him to get through, but it was just as tough for me
I couldn’t eat well, sleep well, I was sick most of the days
It wasn’t uncommon for accidents to happen during the process, death wasn’t too uncommon of an outcome given the wholeheartedly stupid shit they did
I searched for solace in friends in my club who had gone through a similar situation with their boyfriends and it’s a very trying process for couples to endure because they will undoubtedly change into someone else
We were exhausted all semester but somehow we had made it, he did it, but we had both changed as a result
I lost sight of who I was, I defined myself as a package with him, I didn’t have very many friends, I switched majors and had no idea where I was going with my career, I was also walking myself to self-destruction
The celebration parties with sororities started and of course they want to mingle and become best buddies after their hard semester
He would have to go out every time there was a party at the house to watch the door and such
I was proud of him for doing something he wanted to do, but I hated it had to be this lifestyle
He would start texting these girls first thing in the morning
They would go to the parties together, hang out, go to events together, grab lunch, coordinate to take the same classes next semester
Meanwhile, I would be at home waiting
Our words and actions became mentally abusive, we fought with degrading and mean words
Thinking back about it now, I believe we both fought hard to keep us together, he just gave up first
I was crying every other day, the stress I had been enduring for the last 6 months left my body weak
We decided to take a break but established rules about not being with other people
However, my friends were the guys over there, so I was still over at his suite often
After a celebration for a successful year for our community of school clubs, I went home pretty heavily intoxicated and went to his suite
The guys tried to stop me from opening the door to his room but I pushed past them
I saw the girl in his bed, he was on his roommate’s bed
I’ve never felt such rage in my entire life, I threw off my jacket and went to fight the sleeping girl, his roommates rushed to hold me back
This was the first time I had felt such a complete shattering feeling on the inside
I held so much faith and trust in this one person, it simply never crossed my mind that this would be our story, I thought we loved each other and that would be enough to make it to the grave. At least for me, that was enough to walk through any problem we encountered hand in hand and to fight for what we had; it was infinitely special
He said he brought her back because she was too drunk to get home, despite the fact that the party they were at was with her entire sorority there
Guttural sobs, I couldn’t breathe, I threw things, yelled, I couldn’t find a proper outlet for the amount of grief I felt
I lost myself so entirely that night
Soon, I realized that our time was coming to an end but I also didn’t want to believe it
I lost my self-respect and did all I could to bring him back
I turned to God for I had never felt so helpless in a situation before
I wrote snippets of Bible verses about perseverance and love on little notes and would hide them in random places such as his jacket pocket and desk drawer.
I felt like I was honestly insane, I was scared and angry, I tried to keep him next to me with my body
Who was this person I slept next to at night? The boy I had met over a year ago would not have left me just after I got a call that my aunt had passed away
I could not function, I cried and drank and fought with him some more
I just did not understand how this was our reality, how this was true, how did the boy I loved with my entire being and would have so easily given up anything for hurt me in such a way. No, I’m sure deep down he still loved me and believed in us, somewhere
I made a video of our pictures together
Couldn’t find the very obscure but fitting song :(
Lyrics were like “I’m sorry I did wrong but you did too, give us another chance”
It was such a fitting song D:
But this was pretty much my begging to be together even if it hurt, to fix things
On the brightside! I found out that the friends I had made in the beginning of college still cared for me despite my neglect
They came to my suite to help me regain myself, to drag me out of bed, shower, and eat something
I had lost all appetite and would sleep for majority of the day
A friend bought me soondubu (one of my favorite foods) and I could only eat a few mouthfuls before it threatened to come back up, by this time, I had fallen down to a meager 90 pounds
He helped me through all of my stages of grief and would always listen to my rants
The school year ended and it was time to go home, I wouldn’t be able to see him anymore in person, I failed almost all of my classes that semester
I did everything I could to possibly hold things together, both myself who was in hysterics and this already crumbled relationship
The feeling I had was like grasping at a handful of sand. You can squeeze your fingers together as tight as possible and stand absolutely still, but the sand will fall through the cracks. No matter how tightly I held on, it was only a matter of time before everything was gone
We talked/ argued over and over again and many weeks later finally decided to break up but we would keep in touch, I would message him online and he wouldn’t reply very often
I had to attend summer classes, just being on the same street where his frat house was would give me extreme anxiety
One day, I did run into him, he was in the car behind me with her
He honked and waved, I flipped him off
I developed a seasonal anxiety and a therapist diagnosed me with PTSD
Every time spring comes around, I experience constant unease, anxiety, and insomnia
The lesson learned is to not make homes of people
But years later, I am stronger now and it doesn’t hurt anymore
Who I am now is a work in progress made of stories he has never heard, friendships he has never touched, and hard work he has nothing to do with
I do not regret any part of this relationship and still cherish it as an important milestone in my life, I would not be who I am today had I not gone through this trial