It's Always Sunny in Blahblahland

Zed: When we get out of this, I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast...Not in the sexual way! In the 'I am pissed off' sort of way.

Zed: Jax's right! We shouldn't be breakin' our shit! We should be out there breakin' other peoples' shit! That's rock and roll!

Opal: Zorana, you wanted in on this poop war from the start!
Zorana: No, I didn't.
Opal: The outcast. The slut. The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore. You sat on the sideline while these four titans battled it out. You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you. That's why when the lights went out you unleashed some thunder of your own. Thunder of the... chocolate variety!

Jax: Wait, wait, wait...Check his pulse.
Zorana: He doesn't have a head, Jax!

Zed: You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. You want this baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll.
Jax: Stop, stop, stop. All right not bad, good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying "boy's hole", and it's clearly "soul". And I know, Opal, you did write "soul", right?
Opal: [writing on her script] I did write "soul". I definitely did.

Zorana: Maybe you shouldn't have your window open!
Rhythm: Maybe you shouldn't be throwing jars of piss out the window!

Jax: Do wasps make honey?
Val: No wasps do not make honey.
Jax: Alright well I'm gonna check it out anyway, there could be something delicious in here that wasps do make and I want that.

Jax: Yes, my good man, I'll have the milk steak, boiled over hard, and your finest jelly beans...raw.


Jax: What if he can smell crime??
Rhythm: ...what if he smells crime?
Jax: Dude dude dude dude dude dude dude! What if he can smell crime before it even happens?
Rhythm: Holy shit dude, that's amazing! Smells crime before it even happens! Yes, dude!
Jax: WHAT IF HIS ENTIRE HEAD IS JUST ONE BIG NOSE! Write that down, I like that.
Rhythm: (Disappointed and looking down) Ah, shit....


Rhythm: [about M. Night Shyamalan] He always puts some like awesome twist at the end of his movies to trick the audience.
Jax: Aw yeah, yeah, like in The Sixth Sense you find out that the dude in that hair piece the whole time, that's Bruce Willis the whole movie.

Zed: I'm the Trash Man! I come out, I throw trash all over the- all over the ring! And then I start eatin' garbage! And then I pick up the trash can, and I bash the guy on the head.



Jax: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Val: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Jax: What's on the other side of it there?
Zed: Europe.
Jax: Now, how long would it take...
Val: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Jax: *Don't* swim to Europe...
Zed: Do not.

Holly: Do you have any history with drugs or alcohol?
Zorana: Never. Neither.
Artemis: Um, any family history of mental illness?
Zorana: Uh, well my sister's a dick if that counts.

Jax: This company is being bled like a stuffed pig Rhythm, and I got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out, take a look at this.
Rhythm: Jesus Christ, Jax.
Jax: That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail please, Rhythm? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay? Pepe Silvia, this name keeps comin' up over and over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail's getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia, Pepe Silvia, I look in the mail, this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself I gotta find this guy. I gotta go up to his office, I gotta put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise he's never gonna get it, it's gonna keep coming back down here. So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Rhythm, what do I find out? There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decided, ohh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper. There's no Pepe Silvia, you gotta be kidding me, I got boxes full of Pepe! All right, so I start marching my way down to Kira in H.R. and I knock on her door and I say, "Kira, Kiiiiiraaaaaaaa! I gotta talk to you about Pepe!" And when I open the door, what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office. There is no Kira in H.R. Rhythm, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Rhythm: Okay Jax, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they have been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude. We are gonna lose our jobs.
Jax: Well calm down, 'cause here's one thing that's not gonna happen.
Rhythm: What?
Jax: We're not gonna get fired.
Rhythm: We're not?
Jax: 'Cause we've already been fired.
Rhythm: We've lost our jobs?
Jax: Yeah. About three days ago, a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you, one for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.
Rhythm: Jax, if we've lost our jobs that means we've lost our health insurance. Which means all of this was for nothing! Goddammit dude, I am having a panic attack. I'm actually having a panic attack.
Jax: Will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?
Rhythm: I am, bro.
Jax: All right, well fine. You know what, Marshall, give this guy a cigarette. He's freakin' out.
Rhythm: Huh? Who?
Jax: Marshall. He's the guy who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Rhythm: Marshall? Who the hell is Marshall?
Jax: You don't see Ma- oh, shit. Where the hell did he...?
Rhythm: You've lost your mind. You've lost your goddamn mind, Jax!