Friend-Lord Anon

>Be Inquisitor Anon
>Sent to investigate newly discovered planet
>Due to ongoing wars everywhere, only sent with 3 squads of space marines and a few hundred thousand Imperial Guard
>Scan planet to find intelligent life
>Take a squad of Spess mehrines down with you to confront the leader of what appears to be the biggest country
>It's night as your shuttle lands in Canterlot Castle gardens
>Scores of strange four legged creatures surround your shuttle
>They seem nervous at the sight of the alien craft
>They're armed with spears.
>You smile cruelly
>Looks like mankind is about to gain another planet
>After a few minutes, two larger four legged creatures arrive, wearing crowns
>Time for your grand appearance
>Shuttle doors open
>Two Marines step out, towering over the assembled xenos
>You yourself step out, looking pimping in your inquisition getup
>The xenos look terrified, and several of the guards back off as two more space marines step out behind you
>The largest crowned one, the white one, speaks to you
>"Welcome to our planet. My name is Princess Celestia. My sister tells me your craft came from beyond her stars..."
>BLASPHEMY
HER stars?
>The "Princess" stops at your outburst
>You gesture to the stars
Every light in the night sky belongs to the God-Emperor of Man. Every planet, every asteroid, every speck of dust in the cosmos is the birth right of mankind
You welcome us to YOUR planet? You insolent wretch! This isn't your planet, it never was. It's always belonged to us, we've just never visited it before
You are PARASITES. COCKROACHES. Filthy XENOS, living on borrowed land
Well now, the masters have returned.
Heed my words, "Princess". We will take what we want from our planet, and you will stay out of our way.
Or you will die.
>The xeno looks stunned at your outburst
>Then her brow furrows, and she opens her mouth to respond...
>"We had hoped to welcome you in peace, for our two races to work together, but sadly your intentions are evil"
>"It is with great sorrow I must lay down an ultimatum. Leave OUR planet. Never return, or face the full might of our wrath"
>Her wrath? How scary. You had no interest in subjugating her race, but if she continues like this, you must just have to
>"If your supposed "God-Emperor" is so great, then he come here and ask us himself. Why isn't he? Is he scared? Weak?"
>There is nothing
>NOTHING
>That rustles your jimmies more that someone talking smack about your Emperor
>Your anger boils over into a cold, seething rage
Your majesty
>You are deadly calm, your voice level
If one of your subjects wanted to squash an insect, would you yourself go to them and do it?
Your planet, your people, they are less than that to the Emperor. We are infinitely your betters, and you would do well to remember that
>You turn before the bitch has a chance to respond, and return to your shuttle, the Space Marines following you
>You leave the surface and return to your ship, preparing to destroy these vile creatures

>Be Celestia
>2 days since the aliens came
>You didn't show it, but you were terrified of them
>The 4 silent things in bulky armour holding weapons unlike anything you'd ever seen
>The casual cruelty and superiority of the one that spoke with you
>All of Equestria is on high alert in response to his threats, but so far, nothing has happened
>Your sister joins you as you prepare to lower the sun
>"Greetings sister"
Hello Luna. Are they still there?
>"I can feel them. They wait, though I know not what for"
>This news makes you uneasy
Let us hope they move away soon
>You do your duties and the two of you stand for a while, gazing up at the stars in silence
>"Sister, if that creature spoke the truth, if the heavens truly do belong to them... we have no hope of beating them"
I know Lu. I know
>You say sadly as you turn to head back into the warmth of your chambers
>After a moment your sister turns to join you
>As the two of you walk in, the stars twinkle on
>Then, suddenly, the stars begin to fall

>Be Anon again
>You sit on the bridge of your ship, sipping on a glass of Amsec
>You watch as transports drop towards the planet's surface, carrying a small expeditionary force of about 50,000 Imperial Guard
>Bright lines arc gracefully down where Space Marine drop pods descend, all aimed at the castle where you met that uppity xeno
>You smile, happy in the knowledge that you are doing the Emperor's bidding
>You decide you'll finish your drink, then board a shuttle
>That should give enough time for the Marines to route the army, and show the "Princess" the might of man
>15 minutes later, your shuttle touches down in the courtyard, the exact spot you landed 2 days ago
>You are met by a pair of Marines who salute
>"The xenos are holding out in what we think is their throne room"
>"We thought we'd wait for you before making the final push"
Excellent work. Casualties?
>The marines briskly lead you toward the room
>"None. Their weapons had no effect. Though they seemed to have psykers, they were unlike anything we've seen before."
>Strange. That would require some... research
>"We haven't inflicted many casualties, the xenos routed quickly."
>A shame, you wanted them to suffer
>You pass through ornate corridors, the beautiful architecture marred with scorch marks, and the occasional blood, though you don't see any xeno corpses
>You arrive at a set of double doors, a dozen marines prepared to breech
>At your arrival, they take up positions, and a psyker steps forward
>He crumples the doors with his mind, and the marines rush into the room
>You hold your hands behind your back, and stroll inside
>The marines have fanned out, bolters aimed at a pair of thrones
>The princesses from earlier sit on them, regal and dignified in the face of your attack
>With a smile, you saunter toward them, stopping just behind the line of heavily armoured men
Well, well. Hello again
>"Taunt us not, vile beast. We know your purpose. Be done with it," the black one speaks up
>You laugh, wanting to draw this out
You call me a beast, but I'm not the one backed into a corner like a trapped animal
>The pair of pony princesses remain silent
Well, before I end your wretched lives, I think I'll tell you what will happen to your plane
First, we'll destroy your cities. Then your towns, then your villages. We'll burn the forests, sow salt on the plains so that nothing may grow there
Once your people are gone, we will begin our real purpose. We will remove every speck of valuable material from this planet, mine it to a shell
And then the people will come
Billions upon untold billions of them
Your world will be a hive, unrecognisable to what you know
All for the glory of the Emperor
>You can't read the xenos faces, but their facade seems to be crumbling slightly under your words
>"We may not live to see what you speak of..."
>The white xeno lowers her head
>"But neither will you"
>At her words, the horn on her head lights up, and a beam of bright light shoots toward you
>Before you can react, one of the psykers has raised a shield
>As the intense beam hits the shield, the room is filled with a bright light, and you're filled with dread as reality itself shudders
>You get the sensation that something has just entered the room
>The marines become alert, ready for attack from a daemon
>But none comes
>After a few moments, you relax
>"Sorry princess. Looks like I will see it after all"
>You raise your bolt pistol at the trembling xeno...
>...and pull your trigger
>The bolt races toward Celestia, shattering the shield she raises to defend herself
>The black princess screams as the bolt races forward
>And then it vanishes
>There's no flash of light, no sound
>It simply... ceases to exist
>The xenos look as surprised as you are by this
>You try to pull the trigger again, but find yourself unable to move
>A gentle glow appears in front of you, and expands from a single point
>As it grows, it become brighter, until it almost unbearable to watch it
>It grows to the size of a large human, and stops
>The bright light fades, revealing an ethereal human figure, radiating a gentle,warm light
>As you look at this figure, you are overcome with a sense of awe and wonder, and a peaceful feeling
>Surely it can't be...
...Emperor?
>Around you, the marines fall to their knees in reverence, and you join them, prostrated before your God
>"Child of man"
>He speaks in a voice as eternal as time itself, wise beyond your comprehension
>It takes you a moment to realise he's talking to YOU
>You raise your head, but keep your eyes averted out of respect
Yes, my Emperor?
>There's a terrible silence before the being speaks again
>"You have failed me... you have failed mankind."
>You... you failed you Emperor
>A terrible dread creeps over you
>"Even through my rest, I felt the immaterium shudder"
>"It awoke me, finally freeing me from my slumber"
>"I was going to raise you above all others, yet when I arrive, I that you are not the one who did this"
>The being turns to the stunned xenos, who are trembling before His majesty
>"You have my thanks. I am sorry about the actions that have taken place here in my name"
>Why is your Emperor thanking these... these ANIMALS?
>After a moment, the white one speaks up
>"Please, as we speak, your armies are killing, invading our lands, they're..."
>The Emperor calms her with a gentle motion, and her frantic voice stops
>"They attack no longer."
>She closes her eyes, clearly relieved
>Once more, your God turns to you
>"When you arrived, these creatures offered humanity their friendship. Why was it rejected?"
>You clam up, terrified of what a wrathful God may do to you
Your majesty, this planet is rich in resources... We needed to secure it so the Emper... so YOUR army can continue its...
>You tail off as you feel a strong emotion coming from your Emperor. Sorrow
>"It fills me with sadness to know what is being done in my name."
>"The universe is a chaotic place, filled with evil"
>"To fight that evil, we must be hard, unflinching. But if we ourselves become that which we seek to destroy..."
>The Emperor leaves the sentence hanging, letting you mull it over
>While you reflect on his words, he turns back to the leader of the xenos
>"When you first met humanity, you extended an offer of friendship. It is my hope that that offer still stands."
>"However, if you desire it, we will leave you in peace, you will never hear from us again"
>The princess thinks on the God-Emperors words for a moment, before speaking...
>"We would be honoured to welcome you to our planet"
>She bows to him, and the God does likewise
>"Though your people have attacked us, we desire only to become allies. We may both benefit from a friend"
>A wave of satisfaction emanates from the Emperor
>"You are truly wise, my regal pony, you and your kind a beacon of light in a galaxy filled with darkness"
>"If it pleases you, I would like to leave some representatives here, so that we may continue to strengthen our relationship
>The xeno nods at his words and adds her own:
>"I feel there is much we could learn from mankind. I would like to send a representative of my own to experience your ways of life"
>The emperor is clearly delighted
>"Well then Princess Celestia, there is much for us to discuss"
>She smiles at him
>"Would you like to take tea with me? We can settle on the details"
>The God Emperor responds
>"It would be my pleasure. Unfortunately, this body is composed of pure energy, and as such, I won't be able to drink anything, though I can still enjoy your company"
>You'd swear the princess blushes
>Is... is the God-Emperor of Man hitting on a xeno?!
>As the white princess stands and leaves, the ghostly figure of your God tells her that he'll be through in a moment
>He turns back to you
>"Inquisitor. I have decided in the light of recent events to give you a new title after all."
>Oh... ok, this was better than you though it would be
>"There is no title that adequately fits your new role, so I shall create a new one for you alone"
>Holy shit, your GOD is creating a title just for you!
>"Anon, you no longer bear the title of Inquisitor..."
>Your chest swells with pride
>"...as of now, you are official the Imperium of Man's first ever..."
>You fight back a tear
>"... Friend-Lord."
>... wat.
>You's swear you hear one of the Space Marines snickering
>"You made a mistake here, attacking a peaceful race who only desired friendship, but you are young, and can change."
>"You will stay here, live amongst the ponies. Learn their ways that we may never have a repeat of what happened here today"
>Friend Lord
>"You will be the first of your kind, a shining example to the rest of mankind"
>Fucking really?
>"Captain..."
>The captain of the marines snaps to attention
>"... Take the Friend-Lord's bolter pistol, he will need it no longer"
>The marine takes the gun from your hands, you're too shocked to even resist
>So now you have to live here with these filthy xenos?
>"I expect regular updates on the things you've learned young one. I want you to send your findings in letters, to me personally."
>"I will eagerly read them, and they will be distributed all across the Empire."
>"Marines, come. We have a tea party to attend."
>The physical manifestation of your immortal God-Emperor leaves the room with an escort of hulking, armoured soldiers to take tea with a princess
>What the fuck is going on?
>A voice pipes up
>The black princess finally speaks, forgotten amongst all the goings on
>"Well "Friend-Lord", seems things didn't quite go quite as you expected" she says, with a smirk
>You narrow your eyes
Shut up xeno
>You run after your God. Maybe you could transfer to the Administratum.

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>You've been on this wretched planet for a whole day.
>After the Emperor's revival, all human aggression against this planet ended
>You're the only person here, apart from 4 space marines who make up your personal guard
>And the Emperor himself
>If you count the physical projection of the Emperor's will as a person
>You were given a huge bedroom, and were quietly amazed by the luxury of it
>Not bad for a group of backward xenos
>Not that you would ever tell THEM that
>The xeno guards were treated you with caution, and slight hostility as they led you in
>They'd left pretty quickly, obviously intimidated by the Space Marines presence
>You'd been sat on your bed since then, just waiting
>Praying that this nightmare would end soon
>It hadn't
>There was a thumping on your door
Enter
>A marine walked in
>"His Imperial Majesty requests your presence for dinner, Friend-Lord"
>Is he taking the piss? It's impossible to tell behind that mask
Very well, I shall be down shorty
>You glumly watch the soldier leave
>Maybe if you just pretend to get along with the xenos at the dinner, the Emperor will decide you don't need to stay here after all
>You could do it
>You could pretend to like the filthy xenos for an evening
>With a heavy sign, you get up
>Do they have amsec here?
>That would actually be a huge help right now...
>A few minutes later, you leave your rooms and, flanked by a pair of marines, head off for dinner
>You enter a grand room, with a long wooden table in the middle, covered in a wide variety of foods
>You could barely contain your disgust at the xenos sitting around the table
>The two Princesses from earlier are sat at the head of their table
>The Emperor was sat next to the white one, and by the look of the empty space, you were going to be sat next to the black one
>Damn
>As you approach, the Emperor gestures to you to sit in the empty chair
>"Hello there, friend-lord" the black one greets you, smirking slightly
>Play it cool anon, show them how friendly you can be
Why hello there, your... majesty. My, your... your hair is good
>She looked at you uncertainly for a second
>Almost had it, need to turn up the charm
It is truly an honour to be invited to dinner with, uh, you, and...
>Shit, what was the other one's name?
... Celestro
>Whew, that was close
>You cooly take a seat, confident in your plan. So far so good
>"Oh, not at all, myself and CELESTIA..."
>Fuck, you were close, but not quite there
>"...are the ones who get the pleasure of your company"
>Wow, if she wasn't an inferior, base creature, you'd almost think that was sarcasm
>You spare a glance at the emperor, who's busy telling Celestia about how he once beat a greater daemon lord to death with his bare hands
>You force a smile at him as he glances over, and turn to your plate
>The food looks delicious, and as you taste it, your palate is overwhelmed by the unfamiliar flavours
>The "food" you normally eat is basically a nutritional paste
Wow, this is amazing for a group of...
>You pause. The black princess is looking at you
...little... chefs.
>She just stares at you for a moment, before grinning
>"If you say so, friend-lord"
>Maybe this isn't going so well after all

>The meal passes by without any further incident
>Only joking, you make a complete arse out of yourself the whole time
>You're not really used to this whole socialising thing
>Being an inquisitor, your conversations basically revolved around asking a lot of questions, and then hurting people until they told you the answer
>You were fairly certain you couldn't do that here.
>Wait a minute! That was it! You COULD do it here!
>The questioning that is, not the torturing. Small talk was all about asking questions!
>You turn to the black princess
What is your name?
>She looks over to you, surprised at the abruptness of your query
>Or maybe she's just surprised you're taking an interest
>"My name is Princess Luna, but you may call me Luna if you so desire. What is your name, human?"
>You freeze
I'm asking the questions here, and I want you to think real hard about you answer to the next one...
>She looks almost amused at your response, maybe you were better at this than you thought
>You lean in, bringing your face right up to hers, staring into her eyes
...Do you love the Emperor?
>She snorts at your question, and looks over at him
>"He seems like a lively sort, yes. I don't know I'd choose that word though. What about you, do you love the Emperor?"
>What BLASPHEMY is this? HOW COULDN'T YOU?
All mankind loves the Emperor, only heretics and filthy xen... I mean, non-humans don't
>"So you're saying you love the Emperor?"
Yes, I love the Emperor
>She grins at you
>"It's nice that your kind are so accepting"
>You decide that's enough of an attempt at small talk, and quietly seethe as a waiter clears the table for the next course
>As their conversation dies down, Celestia and the Emperor look over to you
>"Friend-Lord Anon" Your God says "I've been watching you throughout the evening to see how well you've been fulfilling your new role"
>...well shit. You'd expected this, but hadn't done a great job of showing what a great social person you could be
>"I must say anon, I'm disappointed in you."
>You felt ashamed to have let your God Emperor down
>"Especially for the incident with the waiter"
>You weren't to blame for that! The filthy animal had TOUCHED you!
>Well, brushed against you, but it's all the same
>"I'd hoped you would do a better job with your new role as Friend-Lord..."
>Was he going to fire you? Maybe you could lose your job! Silver-lining ahoy!
>"...Now you'll just have to spend twice as long here!"
>You resist the urge to sob
>Celestia speaks now
>"Now Anon, thinking about the meal, is there anything you've learned today?"
>Wait, what?
Uhh, no? Was there supposed to be a lesson in all this?
>"Think about it... you're not very social, but you spent the whole meal trying as hard as possible to be friendly..."
>You shake your head slowly at Celestia's words
Don't... don't try new things?
>The Emperor sighs
>"No Anon, think about it. You were trying hard, but what were you trying hard to be?
>Where in the name of the Emperor are they going with this?
I shouldn't try to be friendly?
>Luna pipes up
>"Do you think maybe you tried too hard?"
I... guess?
>Just go with it anon
So in future, I should, ummm, not try hard at things I'm uh, thing I'm not good at?
>"Or maybe you should just be yourself? Not try to be things you're not and they'll come naturally over time as you grow as a person?"
>You frown
I... that seems a bit of a stretch...
>Celestia opens her mouth to argue, but pauses when a parade of xenos bring out dessert
>"We'll continue this after dessert"
>Ok, that gave you some time to think of a way to salvage this
>"Think about it while we eat, ok Anon?"
>This dessert was perfect
>There was no other way to put it, you'd never eaten something half as delicious
>You'd been thinking hard, and you'd come up with a great way to not look like an idiot for not having some kind of personal insight from a dinner party
>As everyone finished their desserts, you clear your throat
I've been thinking about it, and I think I HAVE learned something here
I was trying to be someone I wasn't, and even if it had worked, my new... friends... wouldn't like me, just the person I was pretending to be
>You sit back smugly
>Judging by the smiles around the table, you hit the nail on the head
>"Very good anon! I hadn't thought of it like that"
>Say one thing for Friend-Lord Anon, say he's a great bullshitter
>"I knew you had it you! They don't make idiots inquisitors!"
>Your God turned to Luna
>"You know, only the very best rise through the ranks as Anon did."
>"Out of trillions of people, he's one of a few with the drive, the brains, the muscle, and I dare say the balls to make it"
>The princess turn to you, looking impressed. You're overjoyed to hear those words, but as you go to thank him, he does something that makes your blood freeze
>He winks once, wiggles his eyebrows and flicks his eyes back and forth between you and Luna
>Oh shit, what is he doing
>"I bet he has one or two scars to show off, and more than a few exciting stories to tell!"
>You think you might be going into shock
>Luna's eyebrows are raised, and she's looking at you with interest, while Celestia wears a warm smile
>Luna locks eyes with you
>"Care to tell us of your adventures, Friend-Lord?"
>Behind the princesses, the God-Emperor of Man, who you have dedicated your life to, whose name you have spread throughout the galaxy, nods eagerly
Well...
>You suppose you could tell one story...

...and so they've sacrificed this virgin, all dressed up in ceremonial robes, and turn to their leader.
They're all asking where the Dark One is, why he hasn't arrived, and they all stop to listen to their leader, in HIS ceremonial robes
Only, he just sort of makes a sort of high-pitched groaning. They pull his hood back, and it's only the bloody virgin!
>Your audience bursts out laughing
So then they turn to the body on the altar, and they're like "Shit"
Long story short, THAT is why you make sure your human sacrifice dresses differently from your cult leader
>Luna and Celestia are both heartily laughing, and even your God is chuckling, looking surprised at how well you told your story
The best part is that they were so embarrassed, they just let the real sacrifice go!
>The Emperor laughs
>"And I bet she just went running off to the Arbitrators?"
Yep. That was a fun weekend
>As the laughter dies down, Celestia speaks up
>"Speaking of wardrobe malfunctions, there was once, long ago, a griffon king who decided he wanted to declare war on us for some petty land dispute or another"
>"We assembled our armies and for the first time in centuries, Equestria knew war"
>"The king, king Manoah, wanted to lead the charge personally, so he got himself kitted out in the finest armour his smiths could make, and took his position at the front of the army"
>"They'd lined up along a cliff, ready to swoop down and charge our forces"
>"He jumped over the edge, and just plummeted to his death"
>"Turns out the blacksmith had forgotten to leave a gap for his wings, and the good King was too drunk from the night before to notice"
>It's your turn to laugh
>You had no idea what a griffon was, but it was a funny story
>Typical of a xeno though, no wonder they hasn't progressed past steam power yet
>The God Emperor of Man then pipes up with a story of his own, and you all swap tales for a while
>Eventually, the conversation dies down, and you excuse yourself for bed

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>You awake from a great nights sleep feeling well rested for the first time in a long time
>You had some VERY heretical dreams last night, but soon forget them as you're brought breakfast by a xeno
>You wonder if it's safe to eat, and whether you trust the xeno
>Your brain says no, but your gut says yes as you dig in to another delicious meal
>You rise, ready to face another day with the xenos
>The sooner you can get off this planet, the better
>You open your chamber doors to find a pair of marine guards
Where are the other Marines?
>"His Imperial Majesty suggested that on our time off we train with the Equstrians"
>Space marines training with little xenos? That sounds entertaining
Where do the train?
>After a short walk, you arrive at a small courtyard, where a squad of xenos are training
>And by training, you mean being shown up by a pair of off-duty marines
>At one end of the courtyard, a group of ponies shoot little bolts out of their horns at a free-standing target
>They cheer as one of them hits it, singing it slightly
>"Beat THAT, tin man"
>A marine impassively steps forward, and raises his meltagun at the taget
>There's a hiss, followed shorty by a roaring blast
>The xenos all dive for cover, most of them directly behind the legs of the marine that just shot
>They slowly peek their heads around his legs, to see the target completely gone, the thick stone wall behind dribbling molten rock from a deep hole
>You smile to yourself at the superiority of man
>Your smug satisfaction is interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat behind you
>You couldn't even enjoy one moment around here, could you?
>You turn to see a grey, horned xeno standing behind you in full armour
>"Your troops are very gifted magic users. I'm glad we're getting the chance to be friends."
>The filthy thing reaches out to you with one of its legs, a mockery of a human handshake
>"My name is Captain Steel Hoof, pleased to meet you, Friend-Lord"
May I ask you a question, captain?
>"Of course sir" the animal replies cheerily
When did I ask you for your opinion on anything?
>The soldier's smile falters
And put your leg down, you look like an idiot
>God you hate xenos
>"I... I'm sorry sir... I was just..."
Just annoying me? You still are.
>"I... you're hurting my feelings sir, please don't be nasty..."
Oh, hurting your feelings am I? Why don't you run along and write about it in your diary?
>At that, you turn and leave. You've already wasted enough time talking to an inferior creature
>Out of these xenos, the princess were bearable. The rest made you wish for an exterminatus on this backwater hellhole
>You spend some time wandering around the gardens, trying to avoid the aliens looking at you with there creepy giant eyes
>"Friend-Lord!"
>You turn, trying to think of another witty way to tell a xeno to fuck off
>It's the Emperor
>"Anon! What's this about you upsetting some of these ponies?"
>"I was about to... I was discussing a trade agreement with Celestia, when one of her guards bursts in crying!"
>The God-Emperor of man is about to tell you off for making a xeno cry
>You're not sure what is going on in your life any more
>"You should know better than to hurt someone's feelings, how would you feel if you'd been in his place?"
I wouldn't have harassed a superior being, your majesty
>He turns to one of your guards
>"Was Anon being harassed?"
>"No your imperial majesty, he was simply trying to start a conversation with the Friend-Lord"
>Fucking Space Marine
>"Anon, you must know what it's like to be upset, just apologise"
>You actually don't think you've ever been upset
Actually, I don't think I've ever been upset
>It seems like in between fighting evil mega-demons and rooting out heresy you weren't too bothered about what people said to you
>Your emperor narrows his eyes
>"Ok anon, I'll let you handle this yourself... I don't want to keep Celestia waiting, and I promised her I would deal with this"
>"But don't come crying to me when this all blows up in your face"
>With that, he briskly walks off
>You can't believe one of your guards dropped you straight in the shit like that. You turn to him
Thanks, fucker
>"My pleasure, Friend-Lord"

>The rest of your day passes fairly uneventfully, until, toward the evening, you see the dark princess heading towards you
>What was her name again? Luma?
>Shit, there goes your hopes for a bit of peace and quiet
>"Friend-Lord Anon, we would speak with you"
Oh, ok.
>You try not to sound too disappointed
>"We have thought on your conduct last night, and decided to let you know the truth about how we feel..."
Right
>You hope this isn't going to take too long, you still wanted to explore that maze before dinner
>"You are a boring, dullard. We only laughed at your stories because we pitied you."
>Was it a maze or a labyrinth? You were never sure of the difference
>"You are repulsive in fact, and if you thought we were looking at you last night, you must have been mistaken, because we weren't"
>Were they mutually exclusive? Could you have a labyrinthine maze? Or a... mazey labyrinth?
>Haha, you suppose you could call that an aMAZEing labyrinth
>You're wrenched from reflected on how funny you are when you notice Luma staring at you
Sorry, what was the question?
>"I said that I never want to spend time with you, or visit your dre... see you again. And then I asked how that made you feel."
>Oh shit. Princess Luma doesn't like you. In fact, it sounds like she hates you!
>This is perfect!
>How can you be humanity's representative if the xeno's princess doesn't like you!
>Just, act like you're upset, this is too good an opportunity to miss
Wow, Luma, wow... that's a lot to take in. I guess, I dunno, I guess it makes me feel really, really upset
>"Oh it does, does it?"
Yeah, you know, it's like a bad feeling in my... heart? I guess, maybe the upper chest. Somewhere in that area
>You're not sure what feeling "upset" is like, so you're clutching at straws, but she seems to be buying it
>"Well then anon, I'm glad you feel that way..." she says with a knowing grin
>"AH-HAH!" a voice cries out from behind you
>You sigh inwardly, and turn around...
>The God-Emperor of Man is leaning out from behind a thin tree
>Holy shit, Creed himself would have been impressed with that
>Though Creed would probably have managed to fit two armour divisions, a platoon of soldiers and several titans behind the same tree
>"Now you know how it feels to be upset!"
>Ugh, you should have known it was too good to be true
>"Well Anon, there's someone I want you to meet"
>He points behind you, and you see Celestia walking towards you, one of her wings wrapped around an upset looking xeno
>Is that the one from earlier? Shit, what was its name?
>Celestia looks at you sternly
>"Anon, I hope you've leaned an important lesson here"
>Oh, not this bullshit again
Oh, yeah, definitely
>"Then I think you have something to say to the good captain?"
Uh, yeah, of course.
>The captain steps forward, sniffling pitifully
>Emperor, how you hate xenos
>This would be a little easier if you remembered its name
>Why were you so bad at remembering them?
Well Captain... captain. I want to tell you that I've learnt an important lesson today, let me tell you. All about friendship, so uh, thanks.
>You realise your mistake too late. They were all expecting you to apologise!
Thanks for helping me learn such a valuable lesson that is, and I'm sorry about whatever it was I said that upset you.
>Nailed it
>"I...I'm sorry I annoyed you earlier... I just wanted to be nice to you and you were so... sooooo meeeean"
>The xeno looked like it was about to cry again
>Your God, the being whose cause you've spent your life fighting for turns to you
>"Why don't you hug the captain to show him you're sorry"
>...
>Motherfucker
>Your eye twitches
Hug it... him?
>Your Emperor crosses his arms and nods sternly
>Suck it up anon, just put your arms around it
>You lean down, your arms stiffly extended
>Your faces twists into a look of disgust as the filthy xeno sniffs loudly
>You quickly smile
>By which you mean force your face to show teeth
>Almost touching the xeno now
>You take a deep breath and put your arms around it
>You hold that pose for about a second before pulling away and taking a quick step back
>You TOUCHED it, eugh
>You have no idea where it's been
>At least it's not making those pathetic sniffling noises any more
>"I'm proud of you anon!"
>Well, you did it for the Emperor, and he seems pleased with it
I uh, I think we've all learned a really valuable lesson today
>You need to get away before anyone asks for details about the supposed lessen you've learned
I need to use the bathroom
>You bow to your Emperor, before rushing off back to your chambers
>"Wait Anon!"
>Princess Luma is trotting after you
>"I just wanted to say, I'm really impressed, it takes a big man to apologise"
Ok
>You haven't stopped walking, you need to get to your shower to wash the xeno taint off of you
>"And everything I said earlier, none of it was true at all. Apart from the stuff about looking at you, that was obviously... that didn't happen"
Yeah, alright
>You remember a thought you had earlier
Actually, can I ask you a question?
>"Of course Anon"
Do you know what the difference is between a maze and a labryinth?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>After showering that vile creature's taint off yourself, you get out of your shower and dry yourself
>You're not sure whether you should burn your clothes, but you dismiss the notion
>You don't have a particularly big wardrobe here, just the personal belongs you'd originally brought with you on the ship
>You change into clean clothes and leave your en suite
>There's not a lot to do in here, but it's preferable to spending more time with the xenos
>Maybe you can spend the evening in your room without being disturbed
>KNOCK KNOCK
>Brilliant.
>You get up and open the door
>It's princess Luma again, and this time, she has another xeno with her
>"Hello again Friend-Lord"
>You sign inwardly
Hello.
>You all stand in silence for a few moments
Well, it was nice chatting.
>You go to close the door, but Luma pushes past, laughing
>"I told you he was funny"
>The two of them come into your room, the other xeno levitating a box in with it
>You swing the door shut behind them and follow them to the centre of your room
>The unicorn sets down its box, and turns to face you as the Princess speaks
>"The Emperor mentioned that you were short of clothes, and my sister and I thought it wouldn't do to have someone of your..."
>Her eyes flick up and down you
>"...stature... ahem, someone of your importance short on clothes. So without further ado, Friend-Lord Anon, I'd like to introduce you to..."
>The other xeno steps forward, and flicks its head
>Its purple hair bounces as it does so
>"... Rarity"
>The new xeno speaks
>"It truly an honour to be making garments for somepony as distinguished as yourself"
>You furrow your brow
You're making them yourself?
>It looks taken aback by this question
>"Why of course! Is there a problem?"
No, no. Just surprised is all
>"Surprised? Whatever for?"
Well, it's just that up until now, I thought you had a caste system.
The rulers have both horns and wings, the guards all had EITHER horns and wings and the castle servants primarily had neither
Obviously that's not the case, since you've got a horn, but you're a seamstress.
>You didn't get to the rank of inquisitor being at least a little observant
>The two xenos look at you in silence, shock on their faces
>After a few long moments, Rarity clears her throat
>"Yes, well... lets not waste a moment more on chit cha. To work!"
>As she says this, her box opens, string, cloth and thread all flying out
>She starts organising things on a nearby table
>"If you'd just like to take your clothes off and stand in the middle of the room, I'll be with you in a moment"
>Uh, what?
My clothes?
>"Yes, I won't be able to take accurate measurements with them on, and you'll be able to tell me which fabrics are comfortable for you"
>"I've never made clothes for an actual alien before!"
>You open your mouth to argue, but before you can, Luma cuts you off
>"You heard the mare, anon... get undressed"

I still don't see why you need to be here
>"Well, I thought it might make you more comfortable to have a friendly face here while Rarity works"
>She was wrong
Does the Emperor know you're doing this?
>"Actually, it was his idea"
>BIG surprise
Really? How... kind of him.
>The other xeno is busy measuring you, levitating pieces of cloth against you and asking how they feel, whether they're comfortable and so on
Why are you asking me whether how they feel? Can't you just touch them to find out?
>"I've never made clothes for an alien before, I'm just making sure the fabric is going to be fine for you"
>Huh, that made sense. Hold on a second...
>Did this xeno just call YOU an alien?
ALIEN?!
>It jumps at your outburst
>"I, uh, beg forgiveness Friend-Lord, I meant no offense... what should I call you? Is it "Your lordship"?"
>Luma laughs
>"You don't have t..."
Your eminence. You should call me your eminence
>"Well, I apologise most sincerely, your eminence" she says with a bow
>You like this one, what was her name? Rarity?
>You make a special effort to remember her name, and shoot Luma a smug look
>"Well, I think I have all the information I need, your eminence. I'll take my leave, and begin my work on a few ideas"
>As she speaks, the tools of her trade are levitated back to her box
>She stands, and stands in front of you, a smile on her face
Yes, well, I look forward to seeing your work.
>You all stand in silence for a few moments
>"Is there something you're forgetting to say to Rarity, anon?
Oh. I dress to the left.
>They look at you blankly
>"Aren't you going to thank her?"
>Ah, you couldn't believe you'd forgotten
Oh yes, my mistake
>You head over to a chest at the bottom of your bed, and take out a small bag
>You reach inside and pull out a few throne gelt and hand them over to Rarity
There you are, sorry about that little misunderstanding
>You give her a wink
>She looks at the coins in her hoof
>"Oh I can't accept this!"
Oh, I'm sure I can get the Emperor to pay you in shells or whatever you use for currency...
>"No, I mean I can't accept payment for this!"
>"Anon, Rarity is doing this out of the goodness of her heart"
>Huh, strange
You sure you don't want the gelt then?
>The white unicorn's eye twitches, and her smile pulls a little tighter
>You shrug
Well, if you insist on doing it for nothing, I can't exactly say no, can I?
>You give Rarity a smile and reach out to take your gelt back from her
>She doesn't hand it over though, she's standing completely rigid
Uh, ok then. I'm not sure now if you're keeping it or not, so uh, just put it on the side on your way out if you want
>She opens her mouth
>"Thank me anon."
Huh?
>"Anon, you should thank Rarity. She's going through all this effort to make you clothes, the least you can do is show her you appreciate it."
But she hasn't actually made them yet, what if they turn out really bad?
>Rarity swivels her head slowly to face you, though she still has the same wild stare
I'm not saying they will, just that I won't know until I see them
>You're really digging a hole for yourself here
>On the one hand, if you upset enough of the xenos, your Emperor might see that you're the wrong person for this job
>On the other hand, you are being a absolute prick
>And you don't want to annoy Rarity too much
>She's only the third xeno you've met that you can actually stand
Ok, Rarity, I'm sorry, it was a mistake. I'm actually really excited to see what you make me
>She's not buying it, time to take a gamble
I've heard all about your, uh, ensembles, and I knew that no one else would be suitable to make one for the Friend-Lord
>Ok, that seems to be working
>Rarity takes a deep breath and turns to you, smiling
>"Oh no, the pleasure's all mine your eminence"
I'm sorry I offended you, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
>"Well, there was one thing your Emperor asked me to make him, but I'm not sure I heard him right..."
>You brace yourself
Oh, what was it?
>"He asked for a pair of trousers, but he made a... somewhat odd specification"
>Oh, for fuck's sake...
>"He asked if I could make them without a crotch"
Yep, yeah, you heard him right. Anyway, time to go!
>You shepherd her toward the door
>"Also, anon, what's PVC?"
Oh wow. Nice meeting you Rarity
>You close the door on her and sigh
>"Just you and me now, eh Anon?"
>You forgot Luma was still in here
>You turn to see her lounging on your bed, and try hard to get a particularly heretical thought out of your mind
>Unfortunately... it's quite persistent
>"Well anon, after that little exchange, would you say you'd learnt anything important?"
>Learnt anything?
>Luma is lying on your bed, her... rear end toward you
>She's facing away, but she's brought her head round to look at you
...learnt anything?
>"Yes, an important lesson about friendship..."
>She pouts
>"Can you REALLY not think anything?"
>Your eyes flick to her behind again
>You've just learnt that you've spent your whole life worshipping the wrong thing
>Damn, you're getting heretical, surrounded by all these xenos
Uh, I learnt that you should always thank people when they refuse a tip
>The princess laughs
>"VERY good, anon"
>She slowly climbs off your bed, and saunters toward the door
>As she walks past you, she brushes her flank against you
>HNGH
>You admire her plump rear as she heads to the door, and you'd even swear she's putting a little extra sway into her hips as she goes
>She's no hurry, and you get a nice long look before she gets to the door and turns
>"I'll see you at dinner... your eminence"
>And with that she leaves
>These was a time when you would have considered what just happened to be completely heretical
>Now that you've actually MET the emperor though, you get the feeling he would completely approve
>All you know for certain is that you need a VERY cold shower.
>As you head into your en suite, you missed the sizeable damp patch on your bed...

>After you've showered, and purged any unclean thoughts from your mind, you wonder what you should do now
>Maybe you could find the Emperor, and beg him to give you your old job back
>Slaughtering xenos was a lot easier than having to interact with them
>You open your chamber doors to find the Emperor, and stop
>Normally, there were two Marines guarding your door
>To the left of the door, a hulking super-soldier in power armour
>To the right, a potted plant with an upside down bucket on it
>The bucket has been painted blue
>It has a smiley face drawn on the front of it
What the hell is this.
>The other guard remains still
>"What's what, Friend-Lord?"
>You kick the plant over, and it falls to the floor with a clatter as the bucket bounces off and rolls away
>"Oh... that. The Emperor had need of one of us. He suggested we make a decoy so my brother's absence wouldn't be noticed"
Wouldn't be noticed?
>You look at the plant, now lying on the floor. You feel a bit guilty for kicking it over
Where did His Imperial Majesty take your brother?
>"Well..."
>Great.
>"He didn't want my brother to go with him. Instead, He sent him to the kitchen"
>Ok. You knew if you went the castle kitchens, there was going to be some kind of... incident
>Every time something like this had happened, there'd big a whole mess and people expected to learn life lessons
>No thanks
Very well. As you were, marine
>You head back into your room, the door slamming shut behind you

>After a few minutes of silence, the marine, ever so carefully tip toes over to the potter plant and stands it back up
>He picks the bucket off the floor, brushes it down and gently sets it back on the plant
>"He didn't mean it brother..." he whispers, before resuming his silent vigil

>Just wait them out anon
>They'll lose interest in you eventually
KNOCK KNOCK
>You freeze
>Maybe you could pretend to be out?
>Just bite the bullet, lets get this over with
Come in
>The door swings open slowly
>There's a xeno stood in the open, a huge smile plastered across its face
>It's the most offensively garish thing you've ever seen, everything about it was pink, and its hair was an unkempt mess
>"Heeeeeeeeeeeey Friend-Lord Anonnie"
>You desperately search for a way out
>The xeno blocks the only door
>The windows lead to a 4 storey drop to the cobbles below. You would plunge to a messy death if you tried to leave that way
>You put them down as an option
Hello.... you. I was just about to go, actually, so... bad timing there.
>"Nah-uh" the xeno says with a shake of its head. It slowly inhales a deep breath
>"MYNAMEISPINKIEPIEI'MHERETOWELCOMEYOUTOEQUESTRIAANDITHOUGHTWELLPINKIE,HOWCANIWELCOMEANEWPONYBUTHENITHOUGHT..."
>You wither under her relentless onslaught
>You've spent years reducing people to husks, visiting unthinkable pains on them for the good of the Empire
>You wouldn't wish this creature on even the Chaos Gods themselves
>She's still going... how has she not asphyxiated yet?
>As if on queue, she pauses to take a deep breath, and finishes in a normal voice
>"...so cupcakes it was!"
>You blink in confusion
>"I wasn't sure what kind of cupcakes humans eat, so I asked the Emperor! And he was so nice, he even got Marnie to help me"
>"So, Friend-Lord, I present to you, your very first friend-cupcake"
>What the hell is this xeno blathering about?
>"Come on in Marnie!"
>She steps aside, and in lumbers a space marine
>He's wearing an apron over his power armour, a chef's hat parked on his helmet, slight askew
>In his massive hands, he holds a tray with a single cupcake on it
>You stare in silence at the battle hardened warrior
>Then burst into laughter
Did that xeno call you Marnie?
>The xeno giggles along with you
Oh, if the other inquisitors could you see you now!
>You're not sure how good an idea it is to laugh so hard at a space marine, but you seriously can't help yourself
If you wanted, I'm sure you could transfer to the kitchens permanently!
>"See Marnie?" Pinkie says triumphantly "I told you you were a great cook!"
Wait, YOU MADE THAT?
>You gesture at the delicate pink cupcake
>Pinkie nods eagerly
>"Marnie made the all by himself! Acutally, that's his sixth one! The first one he squished."
>"Then he burned the second. The third came out fine, but he forgot to put the sugar in"
>You are crying with laughter at this point
>You don't even care if you murders you at this point
>"But his fourth was great, and it looked so yummy I thought "Hey, we should check if this is good enough for our newest friend!"
>"So I ate it, and it was so good I ate the fifth and that was even better so I can't even IMAGINE how super-super-scrummy your will be!"
>It hurts! You can't stop laughing!
>The xeno stands there with a smile on her face on her face, while "Marnie" stands as still as a statue
>After a few minutes of waiting for you to calm down, you manage to get your laughter under control
Yeah, I'm not sure if I want to eat that
>You have no interest in eating something made by a space marine. They're soldiers, not chefs
>"Awww, don't be a party-pooper, Marnie worked super hard on that!"
I'm pretty full from lunch, so uh... why don't you take it to the Emperor, eh "Marnie"?
>Your smile vanishes as the hulking man leans down to your level, the front of his helmet level with your face
>"Eat. The. Cupcake."
>You gulp, and reach out for the sugary treat
>ohshitohsihtohshit
>The xeno seems oblivious to the tension in the air as you reach out for the cake
>The marine straightens up once you've taken it, and stands stock still
>You slowly bring the cupcake to your mouth, never taking your eyes off "Marnie"
>You take a bite
>To your surprise, it doesn't taste like one of Nurgle's farts
>It tastes alright
>Pretty good, but nothing special. The icing is a bit too thick for your taste
>6/10
This is the best cupcake I've ever eaten
>You lie through your teeth, it's worked well for you so far
>The pink xeno lets out an excited squeal
>"Hooray! He loved it! I can't wait to tell everyone! They're all so excited to mee..."
>She suddenly clamps a hoof over her mouth
What was that last bit?
>The marine pipes in
>"You really liked it? I thought Pinkie was just being nice"
Oh yeah, definitely, it's perfect
>"See? I told you he'd love it, and that he'd support your new hobby!"
>New hobby! You suppress a snicker
>Shit, hold it together, you really don't want this guy to hate you
>"I'd best return to my post"
>"Awwwwww"
>The xeno looks upset by this
>"Well, next time you want to bake some super yummy, double scrummy treaties, I want to be the first to taste them!"
>The marine is about to leave, but you don't want this to end on a bad note
>You really want the super soldiers to be on your side
>If there's one thing that you've learned recently, it's that there's one incredibly easy way to win people over
>You clear your throat
Actually, there's one thing I'd like to say before you leave...
It was wrong of me to laugh at you earlier, and I'd like to say I'm sorry
I shouldn't judge people for their hobbies...
>The marine is literally impossible to read as he stands there in full armour, still wearing his apron and hat
... especially if that person is an 8 foot super-soldier
>The xeno gives you a huge smile
>"Awwwww... that was nice of you! You'll make a great Friend-Lord!"
>With that, the xeno bounces towards the door and leaves
>You watch her go, then turn to the marine
>He still hasn't moved from his earlier position
>You decide to...
>"WHOOPS!"
>You jump at the voice behind you, and spin around, preparing to defend yourself
>"I forgot to say bye to you guys! Bye Marnie, bye Nonnie-non-non!"
>Again, she hops off through the only exit
>...
>This changes everything
>You'd thought that only the horned xenos could access the warp, but it seemed this one had just used it to teleport back into the room
>The door closes behind her for the second time, and you spend a tense few moments waiting for her to reappear
>When she doesn't, you turn your attention back to the marine
>You wonder if your little speech had any affect on him
>As if reading you mind, he turns to leave, muttering a single word
>"Faggot"
>He leaves the room, and you hope you called you that in an endearing way
>Why in the Emperor's name has this happened to you?
>Maybe you should pay your God a visit, and ask him precisely what was going on
>With a new resolve, you leave your chambers, knowing full well you're probably just putting yourself in the firing line for more inane drama...

>You stalk the palace, searching for your Emperor
>You spot Princess Luma and steel your resolve
Princess!
>She turns to see you and smiles
>"Why, is there something I can do for you anon?"
I'm looking for the Emperor. I need to speak with him urgently
>"Oh, I think he's with Celestia, in her chambers"
>You turn and briskly walk off
>"They may not appreciate being interrupted!"
>She shouts after you, but you don't care
>Your need to talk with your Emperor
>You make your way to Celestia's tower through the gardens
>As you walk you're aware of a presence behind you
>You glance over your shoulder and see something hovering behind you out the corner of your eye
>Another damn xeno no doubt, but you don't have time to give it a verbal beatdown as you march towards your God
>Something seems off to you though as you walk on
>With the pace you're making, the tower should be a lot closer now
>But you haven't been getting any nearer
>You stop walking, and look at your feet
>You're hovering a foot off the ground
Oh, what the fuck now?
>You twist in the air to try and find whatever's doing this
>As you turn, you come face to face with a xeno
>It's not like anything you've ever seen before, a strange mish-mash of animal parts
>It's lounging in the air, sporting a pair of sunglasses and a Hawaiian Shirt
>It raises a martini glass filled with a blue liquid and takes a sip
>"Going somewhere, Friend-Lord?"
>You clench your jaw as this thing hovers around you, coiling and twisting like a serpent
>"Off to see your Emperor?"
>You begin to grind your teeth
>"I think he's busy giving Celestia some much needed... shall we say stimulation?"
>The thing grins at you
>It coils around you, and unstretches itself, spinning you around in the air
>"How do you think it makes ME feel when everyone rushes off to be with Celestia, Luna, Twilight or even the God-Emperor of Man?"
>The creature places a finger on your head and you stop spinning
>Wait, did he say Luna? Shit, you thought it was Luma
>"How about me and you team up, eh? Oh, it will be marvellous! We can be best pals!"
>He clicks his fingers and a pair of matching shirts appear, emblazoned with "#1 Human" and "#1 Draconequs"
>You're seething at this point, you're not even sure if you could form a coherent sentence
>He begins popping things into existence
>"We can go on bike rides together! Or enter a three-legged race! Or be wingmen for one another!"
>You've progressed past anger now, and are experiencing a new emotion unknown by any human, even by the members of that loud, yellow Space Marine chapter
>You give this filthy creature The Look
>"OH, Anon! Won't you say yes, and make me the happiest dracon..."
>The xeno tails off uncertainly
>You've fought untold numbers of enemies, from hordes of human cultists to daemons from the very warp itself
>You've gazed into the unknowable and known it, fought the unfightable and beaten it
>You are an inquisitor of the Imperium of Man
>You bear no scars, physical, and you are reasonably sane
>All you have to show for your trials is The Look
>It's the look of a man who's fought a thousand enemies each a thousand times more terrible than you, and walked away in one piece
>It's the look of a man who will never falter in his job, who will never stop or rest until his purpose is done
>In short, it's the look of a man you REALLY do not want to be in the way of...
>The draonequs falters under the same gaze that has sent lesser daemons fleeing to the safety of the warp
Down.
>It gently levitates you to the ground without a moments hesitation
Now
>You take a deep breath
Fuck off.
>With that, the creature disappears instantly, without fanfare
>It's simply gone, leaving you to gather your wits, and resume your journey

>You reach the entrance to Celestia's personal tower, and breeze past the guards
>One or two of them begin to protest at your being in a private area, but their words stop as soon as they see your expression
>You are most certainly not happy
>Maybe you've finally gone insane, because what you're about to do is VERY heretical
>You have no idea where you're going, you're just walking around, looking for Celestia's chambers
>Eventually, you come across a door that's being guarded by a pair of xenos
>You walk towards them, and they cross their spears, barring the door
>"The Princess gave specific instructions that she was not to be disturbed"
>You push the spears aside and open the door
>They open to reveal a spiral staircase climbing up the interior of the tower
>You power up the stairs, planning what you're going to say to your God when you get to the top
>You burst into the Princess's room
>It's an opulent affair, ornate gold leafing detailing beautiful murals on the walls, the domed ceiling painted with a breathtaking rendition of the sky
>The marble floor was littered with thick rugs and comfortable pillows
>You failed to notice most of this however, as your attention was focused on your God-Emperor and the Xeno Princess
>They look at you, both shocked at your abrupt appearance
>The Emperor froze in the middle of his action
Oh, don't let me disturb you
>You angrily continue
Please, go ahead and finish your game of chess
>You can't believe this
>While you've been running around getting harassed by xenos, he's sitting up in this tower lounging around with Celestia
>He speaks to you
>"Anon, I think we need to talk"
>Well, you're fucked either way, may as well go down swinging
You're damn right we need to talk
>Celestia stands
>"I shall leave the two of you to it. I will see you at dinner at 7?"
>The Emperor nods
>"We'll see you there"
>WE? He's making your decisions for you
>Your anger flairs up again
>Celestia leaves, and after a moment, the God-Emperor of Man rises and walks toward a balcony set on the side of the tower
>You follow him wordlessly onto a small balcony with a few chairs set around a table
>He sits and gestures for you to do the same
>You shake your head
>You don't want to sit, you want to yell and scream at him, not sit with him
>He speaks to you calmly
>"Anon. What do you want from this? If you're looking to vent, go ahead and yell at me."
>"If you really do want to talk, then please do take a seat. I'm not going anywhere"
>You stand there for a moment, your anger dying down a bit
>After a minute of standing in silence, you feel clam enough to sit down
>"So Anon. What was on your mind?"
>What's on your mind?
For years, I've worshipped you. I've been taught that mankind is above all else, and the you are above all mankind
I've spent my WHOLE LIFE wiping out anything that challenged that, from aliens to daemons to people that asked too many questions
Not ONCE have I flinched in my duty not ONCE have I ever considered that was I was doing was wrong
I lost friends and family to war, to corruption. Plague, murder and a million other terrible things
And all along, I drew strength from the knowledge that I was making the galaxy a better place for humanity
>You pause for a moment to get your thoughts in order
And then my GOD, the being I have worshipped my entire life appears before me
And says "Oh yes, actually, you've been doing it wrong all along"
Then you expect me to live amongst the things I've fought against for years
The things I've been taught from birth are inferior?
I've been taught all along that xenos are a corrupting influence, and you know what? They are.
I've been having unpure thoughts, wondering if these things are really so below us
>You snort
Look at me now! Arguing with the God-Emperor himself!
You should be striking me down for all this! Slaying me for my blasphemy!
But you've been egging me on the whole time
And even that I'd be fine with
But the worst thing all this
The worst thing about these heretical thoughts and impulses...
It's that I'm not even sure they're wrong anymore
I don't know what's right
And now I'm wondering
All my life, the things I've been doing, are they right?
All the people I did this for, have I really been helping?
I just
I just want to KNOW what's right
>With that, you end your outburst
>The Emperor has been listening to you intently, and now turns to look over the horizon as he thinks of a response
>A gentle breeze blows the cool evening air across the pair of you as you sit, looking out across the scenery
>A train lazily glides along the plain far below, and several settlements are dotted around
>You can see a great forest stretching into the distance, some kind of overgrown structure breaking the uniformity of the canopy
>After what feels like an eternity, the God-Emperor of Man turns to look at you
>Now that your anger has faded, you feel afraid
>"I'm proud of you Anon"
>...what? What was he talking about
>He lets out a deep sigh
>"I'm old, Anon. Older than you can possibly imagine."
>"My whole life, I've sought to guide mankind, to help it grow"
>"But that doesn't mean I'm not human myself"
>"And humans make mistakes"
>"You're afraid because you don't know what's right, but you want to help people"
>He pauses for a moment
>"It's up to you to decide what is right"
>"It may seem scary, but question all that you've been taught"
>"Deciding what is right or wrong falls upon you"
>"I would call you a friend, Anon. And as such, I will always be here to offer my advice"
>"But the choices you make will be your own"
>You ponder over his words, trying to make sense of it all
>Your whole world has been thrown upside down
>"I can't imagine how much this must be for you to take in, so I'm going to make you an offer:"
>"If you decide you want things to go back to the way they were before, there will be a shuttle ready to leave at 7 tonight."
>"Board this shuttle, Anon, and you will be made a Grandmaster of the Inquisition, and return to all you know"
>"At the same time, I will be taking dinner with the ponies, a dinner which you are invited to"
>"Join me, and you will affirm your position in a world free of chains, but full of responsibility"
>"The choice is yours anon."
>The choice is yours. The notion simultaneously terrifies and excites you
>You've spent your whole life being told what to do, what to think
>You're not sure you can just leave that
>As you sit thinking, there's a scraping noise as someone pulls out the chair beside you
>You turn, to see the xeno that stopped you earlier
>Now that you've calmed down, you feel bad for how you treated it
>Using The Look was probably overkill
>The creature places a glass tumbler in front of you, and fill it with a generous helping of amsec
>It then does the same for the Emperor and itself
>The three of you sip your drinks in silence, each lost in your own thoughts
>Eventually, the Emperor stands and walks off, leaving an empty glass behind
>You admire the view, the natural splendour a soothing balm for your troubled mind
>Eventually, the dragon-thing leans over to refill your glass, before standing and leaving too
>You are alone with your thoughts now
>You are torn between the life you had, and the one that you COULD have
>With choice comes responsibility for you actions, and some of the things you've seen, some of the things you've DONE...
>...you're not sure you could live with the burden of that responsibility
>As more time passes, the sun lowers, weighing heavy in the sky
>You watch it turn from yellow to pink to red is get lower and lower
>By the time it disappears beyond the horizon, you've made your decision

>Soon you stand before a door
>You put your hand on it, ready to push it open, but pause.
>Behind this door lies your future
>You push the door open

>"Anon!"
>Princess Luna smiles at you as you step into the room
>"So nice of you to join us!"
>As you take your place at the table, your God smiles at you
>"I'm glad you made it anon"
>You nod
Me too, your majesty
...Me too


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Weeks later, half way across the galaxy:

>The heavily armoured hulk addresses his men, crammed into the drop pod as it hurtles toward a planet
>"MARINES! WE'RE DROPPING INTO THE MOUTH OF HELL TODAY!"
>The grizzled captain roars
>The Space Marines sit in the drop pod, performing last minute checks on their weapons
>"IT'S A REAL MESS PLANETSIDE. ORKS HAVE BEEN FIGHTING NECRONS FOR MONTHS FOR CONTROL OF THE SECTOR"
>"A WEEK AGO, THE ELDAR THOUGHT THEY'D JOIN IN"
>"2 DAYS AGO THE 'NIDS CRASHED INTO THE PLANET"
>"AND NOW A DAEMON'S SHOWN UP TOO"
>"LOOKS LIKE THE WHOLE GALAXY IS HAVING A PARTY. GUESS THEY FORGOT TO INVITE US!"
>"PRIMARY OBJECTIVE IS THAT DAEMON. BUT YOU KNOW THE DRILL MARINES. IF IT ISN'T HUMAN, IT DIES. ANY QUESTIONS?"
>There's silence in the pod for a moment, before one marine raises his hand
>"YES SOLDIER?"
>"What about her?" the marine asks, pointing to a purple unicorn, who was taking notes with a wide smile
>"OH, I ALMOST FORGOT. THIS IS TWILIGHT SPARKLE. SHE'S HERE AS PART OF A CULTURAL EXCHANGE"
>The marines wave to her, and she looks up from her notes to smile at them
>There's a chorus of hello's as the marine's introduce themselves and welcome her
>"Hello everyone, I'm excited to see all of this firsthoof, and I'm sure we'll all be great friends!"
>"SHE'S AN HONORARY HUMAN, SO DON'T SHOOT HER"
>"OK MARINES, BRACE FOR LANDING!"
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>"... and now you can actually SEE all your trophies"
>The unicorn points a hoof toward a shelf filled with the skulls of various giant, terrifying creatures
>The gathered genetic super soldiers all clap at the new armoury layout
>A voice speaks up from the back
>"It's good having the ammo all in one place, now we won't have to look for it on the floor, under everything else"
>The marines all agree, and congratulate Twilight again
>"It just shows what you can do with little organisation" she says with a satisfied smile
>"THIS IS AMAZING TWILIGHT! HECK, I MIGHT SEE IF WE CAN GET YOU PERMANENTLY ATTACHED TO THE COMPANY!"
>Twilight turns to the captain
>"Sorry, but I'm only here for another week. I can't wait to see all my friends again"
>The marines all murmur their disappointment
>"Don't worry though, I'll make sure to write to you all!"
>The battle-hardened soldiers perk up at that
>A voice pipes up from the back
>"Can you tell us about check-lists again?"
>Twilight grins
>"Well, if you wanted, I could show you all"
>"ALRIGHT MARINES, FALL IN! ARE YOU MAGGOTS READY FOR A PRACTICAL DEMONSTRATION?"
>"YESSIR" comes the unified response as the marines line up in front of Twilight
>Twilight rubs her hooves together. She loved teaching people things.
>Though she missed them, she wished her friends were as interested in check-lists and organising things as these Space Marines were

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>"TWILIGHT! CAN YOU CHECK MINE?"
>Twilight walks over to the captain while the rest of the Space Marine squad scribble away
>She levitates her sheet of paper up to her, and looks over it
>"Hmmmmm... Not bad for a first try at a checklist. Just a few teensy pointers though"
>"I see you've put "destroy the enemies of man" down twice. Why exactly is that?"
>"MAN WILL ALWAYS HAVE ENEMIES THAT NEED TO BE DESTROYED!"
>"Yeah, but you only need one box for it. If you think about it, either they're all destroyed and you can tick it off, or they aren't"
>The captain mulls this over for a moment
>"THAT MAKES SENSE, I'LL CHANGE THAT ON MY NEXT TRY"
>"You've also put "Praise the Emperor", which is good. You'll probably need a bit of time off after all that destruction!"
>"ACTUALLY, THE BEST WAY TO PRAISE THE EMPEROR IS TO DESTROY HIS ENEMIES!"
>"... ok. You see, the real problem here captain with your check list is that, well. It's only really got one thing on it."
>"SORRY TWILIGHT, BUT I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT HAS THREE"
>"Two of them are exactly the same, and one is just a different way of saying it"
>"... OH, YES"
>"Why not put something like... "make lunch". Oh, how about "polish armour"?"
>"THOSE ARE BOTH GOOD SUGGESTIONS"
>Twilight smiles
>"One last thing, I like the way that instead of boxes, you've drawn little stars, and... is that a hedgehog?"
>"OH, THAT'S A BURNING ORK. AND ALSO, THOSE AREN'T STARS, THEY'RE SKULLS"
>"See, that's very creative of you!"
>Twilight levitates the paper back to the captain
>"Why don't you try to add more things this time? Do you remember what I told you earlier?"
>"IF YOU CAN'T THINK OF 10 THINGS TO PUT ON A CHECK-LIST, YOU AREN'T THINKING HARD ENOUGH"
>Twilight smiles
>"That's right captain, well remembered"
>Her smile grows at the sound of two dozens pencils scratching away
>These genetically enhanced super-soldiers were certainly hard working, and deep down...
>She was happy to be helping them

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>"I can't believe the marines have librarians!"
>Twilight can barely contain her excitement as the bald, gaunt man led her through a series of twisting passages
>"We are responsible for maintaining our chapter's history"
>"I'm so excited to see your library!"
>"I would not get our hopes up, young one. Ours is one of the smallest chapter libraries"
>Twilight looks slight disappointed
>"Oh... I'm sure it'll still be amazing though! What's the fiction section like? I know I should probably focus on the non-fiction, but I'd love to..."
>Twilight glances up at the impassive human, and stops
>"Sorry, I'm getting a bit carried away. What other duties do the librarians have?"
>"We also serve our order by order by bending the powers of the warp to aid us in battle"
>"Oh, the warp? I've heard some of my new friends talking about it. That's where your magic comes from?"
>The Librarian nods
>"Correct. It's a dimension of pure psychic energy which we channel to alter reality, though it's not without its dangers."
>"Dangers?" the unicorn asks
>"To use our powers is to risk all: there are evil daemons in the warp that stand ready to capture the minds of those who delve into their realm, turning the unlucky psyker into a daemonhost"
>Twilight stares at him in silence for a moment
>"So every time you use your magic, there's a chance you turn into a daemon?"
>"... sometimes we just go insane. Or it rains blood."
>The pony rolls her eyes
>"Ok, after I've seen this library, lets see if you can learn REAL magic"
>The two of them walk in silence for a few minutes, before reaching a set of double doors
>"This is it" the librarian says, as he opens the doors
>Twilight enters the room
>After a few moments, her face slowly stretches into a manic smile
>Before her lies a an immense room, rows and rows of shelves stretching into the distance, each one crammed with uncountable numbers of scrolls and books
>With a thud, the overwhelmed bookworm passes out

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>"I'm going to miss all of you"
>Twilight had become good friends with the marines, and though she missed her home, she had realised she was sad to leave
>"AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO MISS YOU VERY MUCH. THERE'S SOMETHING WE WANT YOU TO HAVE"
>The assembled marines step aside, revealing a colossal skull twice as big as Twilight
>"Awwwww, you guys! Is that the skull of the Daemon from our first drop?"
>"YES, AND LOOK"
>A closer inspection shows that the skull had something written on it
>"We'll miss you Twilight, and want you to know you're always welcome here. All the best in your future, may the Emperor watch over you..."
>Twilight read aloud. Underneath the message were engraved the names of all the friends she'd made here.
>She sniffled back a tear
>"I'm sorry, I wish I'd given you something now!"
>"BUT TWILIGHT, YOU DID GIVE US SOMETHING"
>The captain points to a wall, covered in a dusty shroud
>One of the marines removes the shroud, to reveal lines of text running down the wall
>"THIS OUR CHAPTER'S NEW, DAILY TO-DO CHECK-LIST!"
>Twilight stares at it wordlessly, skimming up from the bottom, reading out some of the entries
>""Clean armour", "Battle practice"... this is perfect!"
>"WE'VE PUT THE MOST IMPORTANT ONES TO THE TOP"
>Twilights eyes skip to the very top
>"Praise the Emperor"
>And directly below that... "Write to Twilight"
>Twilight breaks into a huge smile and pulls the captain into a hug, which he happily returns
>"WE'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU TWILIGHT"
>The marines all move into a big group hug around the crying mare

>After a long farewell, Twilight sits on a ship, heading to her next destination
>The marines had been great, and she was looking forward to making friends at her new destination...
>"Ordos Xenos, here I come!"

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