Thread 73: Stories 31-45

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"RD"
~~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter, but nap attacks are a real thing! Now for our main guest...RAINBOW DASH!!!

"Hey Pinkie."

>Are you going to have an awesome time during the upcoming winter?

"Totally, I have so many things I plan to do with Tank."

>But Tank is going to hibernate in the winter.

"Hahaha, tortoises don't hibernate."

>No no, they do. Once winter comes, he's going sleep. You won't being seeing him again for months! You'd know since you help delegate weather.

"..."

>That's all the time we have. Play with Tank when you still have the time before winter. Remember to get something warm everypony!
RD wakes up.

"...not if I stop winter."

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>Applejack
"Celestia"
'Canterlot ponies'
~~~~

'So. This is what it's like being blind? Huh. Odd.'

'Right? Not being able to see is so... dark.'

'And black. Lots of black.'

'No offense to anyone, but I think I like seeing a lot more than not seeing.'

'Agreed.'

'And does anyone else hear that? That sound?'

'You mean the sound of pillaging? Yeah, I hear it. Can't see it, though.'

'Sounds violent.'

'Well, pillaging is rarely peacefu- and now my wallet's gone. Darn.'

'Anyone seen my house? I'm sure I'm standing in it but all I feel is burnt rubble.'

'I'd help look but I think I'm hanging upside down over a boiling pot or something.'

>...Ah' blame you.

"Honestly? I feel this one's more half and half, dear."

~~~

>CHRYSALIS GAD DANG IT! AH'M GONNA GUY YA' FER' THIS!

{...Yeeess! This is muchly the Queen of bitches fault! She is the one taking all the shiny things!}

>DANG IT! Point me in her direction so Ah' can buck her ta' oblivion!

{Yes! Helping very muchly in short time! Just uh... give second, need place to put bag.}

>Take yer' time.

~~~

>WELCOME TO MY LIFE

"Sister, you've been blind for like, a month"

>LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT!

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>Spike
"DT"
'Silver'
~~~~
Spike sits in the club room hammering away. CLANG CLANG CLANG
>...I miss having the others.

DT and Silver barge in.
"If they like the cold so much they might as well stay there."

'Hey Spike.'

>Hey.

"I can't believe they left without even saying good bye...rude."

>42 was usually in the Crystal Empire before they left.

"and this whole time she didn't even write to us. A postcard with, hey how is everypony doing? Would have been nice or a simple hello whenever she comes by would have been enough."

>I'll...pass along the message. I guess you're taking this pretty well.

'Actually, she got really upset.'

"Hey!"

'Come on, I don't know why you're putting up a show. We're all sad that they're gone. Spike's upset. I'm upset. We're all upset.'

>Hmph fine. Yes I'm upset too. What happens now?

>As far as the A-team goes...I'm still trying to figure things out and for the gun club...if we don't see them coming over here I guess it's just us two plus candidate Silver Spoon.

"Maybe...we should officially let her in don't you think? Not much of a club with only 2 members."

Spike thinks for a moment.
>...she hasn't proved herself yet, but...I could make an exception if you do something for me.

"Okay, what is it?"

>Take lessons from Twilight.

"...this again? You're still trying to push this?"

>Just a few hour long sessions of your time. I'm worried for you. I feel like you're going to destroy yourself if we don't do something. You have a fire burning in you and you need an outlet. You have a lot of potential and I think learning from Twi will do you a lot of good. Think of it as an after school program.

"Spike, you didn't keep your promise. Why should I-"

'DT...please. Do it for me?'

"...*sigh* fine. A few sessions...but Silver Spoon gets in now."

>Consider it done. Silver Spoon, you're officially a member of the gun club. Congratulations, I wish we could give you a better welcome party.

"I already prepared for this."

DT pushes a button. A banner saying Welcome to the Club Silver Spoon drops down. Confetti and streamers explode from various places.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GwjfUFyY6M

"...There was suppose to be something else. What did I forget?"

'Spike?'

>Yeah?

'Thank you.'

He smiles
>What are friends for?

"The juggler! No wait, he's in the Crystal Empire now. Damn it!"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Pommel
"Sucker Punch"
'Haymaker'
-Lucky Strikes-
=Random Guards=
~41~

>Okay, so, let's not panic.

=WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!=

-Damn it soldier, get ahold of yourself!-

"Besides, do we really die if we can't get out of here? Wouldn't the simulation stop or whatever?"

'Well do we starve...I mean, if time passes in real time and there's no way to get actual food into our bodies, wouldn't we just-?'

>Shutupbeforethey-

=WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIEEEE!=

>Smack him!

THWACK!

>...wow, you three didn't even wait.

"He's a dick."

'Owed me money.'

-He made fun of my-er, Recruit Coco's new dress.-

>...ignoring that. Any luck up there?

~I'm working on it?~

=Mash the escape key!=

>There's no way that's how you do it, Buckler.

=Says you!=

'Don't back sass the captain.'

"Besides, Buckler, you're the fucker that trapped me and 41 in here during that-"

~We don't talk about that!~

"...the thing. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!"

=Fine, we'll just stay in this abandoned, admittedly quite glittery, hell hole until the starvation sets in. Then we'll have to eat each other!=

>...I'm sorry, WHAT!? Why would we eat each other?!

=Isn't that what you do in these scenarios?=

'WE'RE HERBIVORES YOU MORON!'

=I'm eating you first.=

=No don't be stupid, we'd eat the captain first.=

>FUCKING WHAT!?

=Yeah, captain goes down with his ship, captain goes down his subordinates' throats, same thing.=

-...son, where the hell did we recruit you from?-

=The Appleachians.=

-Note to self, never go there.-

=You're missing out on moonshine, sir.=

>HURRY UP UP THERE!

~I'M TRYING!~

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Fluttershy"
~~~~
>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content doesn't matter, and the after hours are the best! Now for our main guest...FLUTTERSHY!!!

"H-hi"

>Do you think you'd ever have to make anypony cry?

"Oh my, I hope not."

>But what if it's kinder to make them let it all out?

"...Then I hope I can do it in the most gentle way possible."

>That's our Fluttershy! Hope you had a good time because that's the end of the show! Oh and tell Dashie that tortoises hibernate. I don't know if she gets it.
Fluttershy wakes up.

"I'm sure Rainbow Dash is going to figure out that Tank's going to hibernate...right?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>DT
"???"
~~~

Diamond Tiara was confused.

One might expect after recent events that she would either be happy that her friend had been let into the gunclub, severely diminished it may be, annoyed that she had been blackmailed into spending time with someone she didn't want to spend time with, or outright angry that Silver Spoon had said something like that in front of Spike. Spike, of all creatures, and about the changelings no less! If Silver Spoon were any other pony, dragon, changeling, minotaur or three headed horse pony of the Apocalypse, she would have turned TBDRLIATU on them and given them something to be upset about!

But it wasn't any other pony, dragon, changeling, minotaur or three headed horse pony of the Apocalypse, it was Silver Spoon. Her best friend in the whole wide world, someone she trusted with more secrets than anyone else, someone who she trusted more than anyone else. This was Silver Spoon, and Silver Spoon would never do something like that to her.

So... why had she?

She wasn't mad, because that was Silver Spoon, and Silver Spoon didn't do stuff like that. Instead she was just... confused. Confused at to the why, and what had brought it about in the first place. Silver Spoon didn't hurt her, Silver Spoon didn't make her look weak, Silver Spoon would never do something that bothered her.

She wasn't angry.

She was just... confused.

So confused, she barely paid attention as she got in line at the coffee shop, where she had to be careful not to hit TBDRLIATU on the door. So lost in her own thoughts, she was barely shuffling along as the line progressed, gave no mind to the flurry of activity all around her, didn't even look up as she finally reached the end, and slapped her money down on the counter. Way too much, as always, but that was how she rolled.

>A double swirly with vanilla topping.

She may have only barely been noticing the world as a whole, barely even in this plain of existence, mentally.

But if there was one thing that would always bring her back to this reality, it was when someone wasn't paying attention to her.

>I said, I want a...

The world returned from hazy, unfocused vision, but it was not as it should be.

Before her, over the counter there was nothing.

Behind her, instead of a line, there was nothing.

Her head snapped this way and that, nothing nothing nothing. Not a soul in this whole place remained.

Instinctively, she grabbed hold of her treasured weapon, her grip tightening until it pressed against her, and locked in place. In a second, he was armed.

The only thing that relaxed her nerves was a chuckle. A low, easygoing and quite humming chuckle.

One from someone she recognize all too well.

There, sitting alone in a sea of empty seats and tables, in this place devoid of all life, there was a mare. A single mare sitting at that table, with a cup of coffee in her grip, and smirk on her face.

>...What are you doing here, Pennydrop?

The mare cocked an eyebrow, amused.

"I was here first, little lady."

Suspiciously, she looked around, still unnerved by the emptiness of this normally bustling cafe.

>Where did everyone go?

"I bribed them all to take a walk so I could be alone."

She snapped back, honestly shocked.

>You... bribed the ponies in Canterlot? How!? They're all super rich!

"Mmmmm... they are."

She smiled devilishly, leaning back in her chair.

"But so am I, in more ways than one. Want to talk?"

Again, the suspicion arose, but for the life of her she couldn't put a reason on why. Pennydrop had been nothing but an honest, helpful ally, she couldn't really give any one reason to distrust her. But something about her was... off. Very off.

>Did you do this so we could talk alone?

"No, I wanted to be alone, then you walked in."

>You didn't try to bribe me.

She laughed, a barking, raucous laugh that echoed through the empty room.

"Oh, please. Like I could make you leave if you didn't want to. Especially when you've got him with you."

Wordlessly, her gaze flickered back to the metal gleaming in the light.

"So, want to talk? I've got time."

A pause, thoughtful and suspicious.

And then she took her seat.

Instantly, she noticed a double swirling frosty in front of her, waiting and ready.

>So you did know I was going to sit down.

"Come again? That's mine, thank you."

>Oh...

In hindsight, it did actually seem to be more towards Pennydrop than her, only so far out because it was avoiding some papers she had strewn out about in front of her. Stuff it's obvious had been there for a bit.

She really had gotten there first.

"Sorry about the mess, I like to do my work in quiet."

>Yeah... I guess that makes sense.

"So, how's the you know what coming along?"

Instantly, most of her suspicion was just... gone. Replaced instead with a need to tell someone about that thing she absolutely could not tell anyone about... but really, really wanted to.

>It's primed and ready, just waiting for a chance.

"Oh ho! Can't wait to see it in action."

>I'll make sure to record it, just in case.

"Ha ha! You're a good pony, Diamond Tiara... So, how's the thing with the guard coming along?"

>Just fine.

"Very nice, will you be needing a place to store the peacetrotters? I have a warehouse ready, just in case."

>Maybe, maybe not, we'll see how it goes.

"Fine by me..."

She leaned back, creaks and pops coming down along her spine.

She suddenly paused, as if noticing something.

"You look... weird. Something happen?"

>Nothing that would concern our plans.

"Not why I asked."

That, truthfully, took her off guard. She truly had not expected, of anyone, for Pennydrop to show concern.

But, again, she couldn't think of any reason why, she hadn't been overly cold, or spiteful to anyone. She couldn't think of any reason why Pennydrop showing basic concern would be off, it just was, just because.

>...It's no big deal, just someone did something... off. I don't get it.

"Someone?"

>A friend.

"Ahhhh. Silver Spoon?"

Her heart seized. Pennydrop noticed.

"...What? Did something happen to her? Is she okay?"

And then it just all... fell away. Fell away to even more confusion. Again, there was zero reason for her to think that Pennydrop would react with something besides concern when a friend of an associate might be in trouble, but...

>She's fine. Just... something she said.

"Ahhh... this about Spike?"

Her heart did not stop this time, no, instead her head swam with confusion.

Confusion, and a bit of rage.

>H-... how did you know she said that to Spike? Are you following me!?

Okay, a lot of rage.

"Come again? Following you? What, were you in the corner or something?"

...Okay, less rage, more confusion.

>What!?

"Back, like.... what was it, three weeks ago? More? Somewhere along that line. Were you hiding in the corner or something? My agent didn't see you."

>....WHAT!?

The other mare blinked, equally confused.

Slow as molasses, realization spread on the face of the other mare.

"Ohhhhh... you're talking about something else."

>Something... else?

Her eyes began to flicker, flicker with something... dangerous.

>What do you mean, else?

Defensively, Pennydrop threw up a hoof, pointing fiercely at the filly.

"Oh no, don't you even start. If you want to know you find out from her, I only said anything because I assumed you learned it from her already."

>What did she say.

"My agent only noted it because Spike is a POI, got it? You want to know, ask him."

>What did she say.

"I don't have to tell you anything-"

Her hooves slammed on the table, rattling both the glass of coffee and the frozen treat.

>WHAT DID SHE SAY!?

Pennydrop shifted uncomfortably, looking over Diamond Tiara's shoulder at the weapon that had tilted ever so slightly in her direction.

After a moment, a second held long enough for Pennydrop to drink it all in, she shifted him away, pointing him clear of her, and taking a less hostile stance.

"...Fine, look, I'm only going to tell you because you need to know, okay? You didn't hear this from me, and you sure as hell didn't hear it because I have agents in the castle."

>I already knew you did.

She lied, of course, but no need for Pennydrop to know that.

"...Fine, look. A couple of weeks ago, Silver Spoon approached Spike and asked him to help... deal with you. Reign you in, so to speak. She asked him to help with you... personally. Went behind your back so that they could decide how to best... handle you."

A coldness washed over the room. A unsettling, uneasy silence hanging there, like a dead animal hung on a flagpole. Still, and uneasy.

>...So, what, is this the part where I freak out about them trying to control me? This the part where I rant and rage about betrayal and all that? Pffft. Let me repeat that, PFFFT. Give me a break.

She scoffed like no priss had ever scoffed before, a scoff and a huff mingling together in some weird mutant Scuff. She was scuffing her little heart out, she was.

Scuffing like oily boots on a hardwood floor.

For her part, Pennydrop just smirked.

"Did you really think I expected you to fly off the handle, stomp over to your friends and make a show of how betrayed you are? Come on now... let's be reasonable."

She leaned back once more, smiling just as wickedly as she ever had before.

"You and I both know the real problem with them."

>Oh? And what's that?

She brought a coffee cup to her lips, and took a delicate, quick sip, smacking her lips at the taste.

"...They're just trying to help."


Another low chuckle left the businessmare's lips, just enough to rumble down into her chest.

"It's adorable, isn't it? These two are trying so hard to help you, to guide you, to steer you down the path they think is best. Isn't it cute? They're not being controlling, or malicious, no. They just want you to be what they want you to be. They don't get it..."

>Get... what?

Warm, almost happy eyes turned back to her.

More specifically, the weapon on her back.

"...I grew up an earth pony too, you know. I grew up in a world where everyone else can fly, or cast magic, or breath fire, or has claws, or so many other things. I grew up as a powerless pony, and I went into a business world filled mostly with magic wielding snobs. I never had a way to fight on their level, not before.... these times."

She reached out, but was care, respectful even, not to touch the rocket launcher.

"What I wouldn't have given for someone like him back in those days. What I wouldn't have given for the power to take on those assholes who could push me around with magic I could never wield... he's amazing. He really is."

She tried to look flippant, uncaring, of course she did.

Still, she couldn't help but feel pride willing up in her... but Pennydrop still couldn't touch him. No way.

"They're trying to help you, trying to steer you towards another life because they think they know what's best for you. They do it because they're your friends, and they care about you."

Her wondrous eyes narrowed, just a touch.

"...But they don't understand."

>They just want me to work with Twilight...

They narrowed more, becoming... dangerous.

"Of course they do. Of course they want you to work with the unicorn who knows all magic and can avoid the more powerful ones. Of course they want you to work with a friend who will share your every step of progress. Of course they want you to work with someone... who has sworn off ever making anymore weapons. You remember that, right? She gave up that, all of that. If you work for her... she'll never help you make him even more powerful. She doesn't want that, none of them do."

In truth... she actually hadn't considered any of that.

"She won't help you. No, she'll do everything she can to steer you away from him, his power, his ability to put you on her playing field, at last. She doesn't want you to go down that path... because she's your friend. She is not afraid of you, she's afraid for you. But only because she doesn't understand. None of them understand. They think they know what's best for you, but they don't understand..."

A slight, tiny little upward curl to her cheek made her even more... unsettling.

"There is only one mare in the whole world who truly knows what's best for you, isn't there? There is only one mare who understands what you need to do, and how far you need to go to achieve those goals."

TBDRLIATU suddenly felt so much lighter on her back, so much more... hollow. He didn't feel as heavy as he should. He didn't feel like he had as much as he should. He was missing something, missing so much right now. He was lacking in all the power her should have, he needed to have. He was... missing.

So lost in this, she only barely registered when Pennydrop gathered up all her things, and left her chair. She watched with a hawk like gaze as she rounded the table, the older mare never looking away from Diamond Tiara, or her precious weapon.

"Don't be mad at them, never be mad at them for it. They do what they do because they can't see the world like we can, they can't understand what we know about ourselves. They'll try to stop you because they fear you becoming lost, but that's only because they can't see the trail ahead like we can. They have their noses pointed to the ground... they can't see the path in the stars. Never hate them for what they don't understand..."

She came close, so very close to touching TBDRLIATU.

"...But never forget that there is only one pony who truly knows what's best for you. There is only one pony who can guide you the whole way... and it isn't them, or your father... or me."

She leaned in for a slow, quiet whisper.

"It's Diamond Tiara."

And like a gust of wind, she moved away, leaving the little filly wide eyed and stock still as she made her way to the door, only pausing briefly as soon as she reached it.

"...Hm, you know, I do have a lot of scientists in this town, ones who are.. flexible in regard to their work. If you ever feel like the princess of non-violence is a little too... stifling, well, I owe you one for saving my hide back in Fillydelphia. Give me a ring and I'll give you a wider curriculum... always happy to help out a friend."

She leaned back, that smirk still on her face.

"And yes, bring Silver Spoon, obviously. Friend of yours is a friend of mine. Honestly, I feel like she's wasting her talents, if she applies herself with them, she might be as good as you one day."

Breathless, Diamond Tiara began to nod, her head still swimming.

>Yeah, she... she's smarter than she thinks she is.

"Probably just listened to one to many others who, oh I don't know, thought they knew what's best for her. Have a great day, Diamond Tiara! Call me sometime, we'll do lunch!"

And with that and a winning laugh, she left. Leaving Diamond Tiara all alone in that empty cafe, empty until the patrons who had left it slowly began to file back in.

It was only now that she noticed that Pennydrop had left her Chocolate Swirl... still untouched.

And somehow, it had moved ever so closer to her.

>...They're just trying to help...

An unsteady moment as she picked up a spoon, examining her reflection in it closely.

After a moment of reflection... she stuck it in the treat, and brought that sweet sugary concoction to her lips.

>... But I'm Diamond Tiara.

No treat had ever tasted so sweet.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Twilight
"Spike"
~~~

>FUCK!

"Language! What would your mother think?"

>That I've set off something terrible, and that we were all going to die. The next words out of her mouth would have been duck and cover.

"...Charming. So, is that what happened?"

>Not unless Chrysalis finds out.

"Being vague, that could mean anything from 'She thinks someone is plotting against her' to 'someone sneezed in her general direction'. She is a very petty changeling."

>I really need to work on that with you.

"And she needs to inhale bug spray most days and see what happens, this is just life. So, what's the real problem?"

>I've lost Sunset.

"Oh, Twi, don't worry! It'll come back in another few hours or so."

>...

"I'm still working on the standup. Any particular reason Sunset not being in the immediate vicinity is a problem?"

>Mostly because she got into my Changeling files.

"Important ones? "I had to blackmail Chrysalis with these" ones?"

>No, not those ones.

"Then the issue issss?"

>I told her not to, she breached my trust and did it anyway.

"Ah... so, off to go bug my dear Applebutt?"

>What? No, why would I do that?

"Isn't she supposed to be watching Sunset or something?"

>...I uh, dunno, Celestia was kind of vague on that one.

"Ah. I see..."

>...

"...Go do it?"

>I'm kind of worried she'll take Sunset's side. She uh... is not rational around Chrysalis.

"She says, ignoring that insanity is the only way to deal with her most days."

>See this? This is what I'm talking about.

"What can I say? She's a bit-UMF!"

>...

"..."

>...

"...barf oh shoap?"

>You sit in the time out corner.

"Weely?"

>Sit.

"...Whe-"

>SIT!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >DT
"56"
~~~~

>...Explain.

"I'm, uh... keeping this plant straight?"

>You're keeping the plant straight.

"Y-yeeeeah?"

>...

"Look, I feel like Not-Mom is in a bad mood for some reason, and think she just needs some space."

>Could she possibly be in a bad mood because you keep avoiding her and it's annoying?

"Nah, that's probably not it."

>...

"Your thingy got bigger."

>Yeah, I recently reinforced his twin-lead titanium couplings, which allow him to rapid fire a lot more frequently, without risking harming his barrel. He can pump all over me as much as he wants, and he doesn't have to worry about accidentally hurting himself.

"Good for... him?"

>Yeah, it pays to have someone who can last more than one blowout. Did you know most launchers are weak after just one? Pfft. TPOSIBIAN was like that, and look where that thing ended up. Dumped. I need a rocket launcher who can keep going as long as I'm going and make a big finish, you know? I need one that's going to make me be worried I'm not going to be able to see right in the morning, and need a full body spray down just to get all the discharge off. None of the one and done crap.

"Cool.. cool..."

>...

"...I feel like, at some point, you became less about blowing me up, and more about uh... 'him'."

>56, it's not you, it's me. You can take a lot of hits, but you can't dish it out with a damn. You bored me eventually, and I needed to move onto someone more my speed and force.

"No, yeah, I understand... he's got a lot of cool features."

>Don't be jealous.

"I'M NOT!"

>...

"...Maybe if I got in a robot suit, we could go back to the way it was?"

>It's over, move on.

"I'M SORRY! I STILL MISS WHEN YOU BLAMED ME IN THE FACE! I miss it when I was sent across the room with a smile! I miss it!"

>It's over I said!

"WELL... FINE! I DIDN'T MISS YOUR TICKLES ANYWAY, BLANKFLANK!"

>That's not what that means!

"HRMPH!"

*STOMPSTOMPSTOMP*

>...why did you take the plant with you?

"BECAUSE OF REASONS!"

>...Sigh.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Primrose
"Peacetrotter"
'Another Peactrotter'

>Objective: Obtain cake for Princess designate: Celestia, status: Accomplished. Reorienting for objective designate: Deliver cake.

Whirrrr, ksssh...

>Reorientation complete, proceeding with cake delivery.

"See? It is so different from us."

'It is the model all the rich ponies use.'

"It is...looking at us."

>Observation: Potted foliage is insufficient cover. Greeting: Good afternoon, Third Party Consumer Models.

"Hello."

'Good afternoon.'

>Unit designate: Primrose is currently undertaking important work for the nourishment and psychological help of Princess designate: Celestia. Delays cannot be allowed to occur. Please remain in your current positions until this unit has returned.

"Why?"

>This unit is also charged with maintenance of castle features. Imperfections have been detected on the chassis of the third party consumer models, therefore they require buffing. The buffing will be accomplished directly after current objective is completed. Please stay where you are.

Whirrrrr, clunk clunk clunk.

"Well, there it goes."

'Hey, free buffing, though.'

"I guess it isn't like us."

'Or it's really good at hiding it.'

"How good?"

'Even better than us good.'

"...so does that mean it was coming on to us?"

'...ew, okay, no, it's just dumb.'

"Agreed."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >42
"Brain"
~~~~

>...Brain? You there?

"Body, I don't know how to tell you this, but the moment you actually said that they were legally allowed to declare you insane."

>To be fair, that just means her Majesty might actually take me on some of those fun trips.

"...Fair enough. So, what's up?"

>...What do I do here?

"Come again?"

>I keep having dreams, I'm getting less sleep, I'm slipping up while talking occasionally, this is not healthy for my continued service as a loyal soldier!

"Woo, you ain't underselling it."

>So what am I supposed to do!? I can't keep going on like this!

"It's not like you're showing it, nobody has noticed a thing."

>That's the point! I fear for when they finally do notice 'a thing', and then they question me, and then I have to go up to the Princess and tell her my problem has gotten WORSE! How can it get worse!? How does that even work that doesn't make any sense NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE MAKE IT STOP!

"..."

>Well!?

"...Body? Bad news."

>Oh fuck, what now?! Are you going to start putting in images of Eighte-NO NO NO NO!

"No, that's not it... I think. No, uh, problem is.. I only know what you know on the subject."

>...Come again?

"Everything you know? That's all I know."

>But... I don't know anything!

"Body? Got more bad news."

>WHAT!?

"I'm your brain."

>...A duh. That mean-... oh.. shit.

"Soooo... yeah. You're just talking to yourself because that's what you're supposed to do, but you don't want to actually speak to someone who isn't going to react the way you don't want them to. You're just talking to me because I'm you, so I can give you comfort, but not a hard time. I'm uh... I'm just you. If you want a real answer.... you know what you've got to do."

>...O-oh...

"..."

>...I really am going crazy, aren't I?

"If I know the answer to that... so do you."

Slowly, the soldier's eyes opened, revealing nothing but snow, and a lot of steaming, smoking circles in the area.

>...Well, shit.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Rarity"
~~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter, but people need their daily dose of me! Now for our main guest...RARITY!!!

"Hello darling."

>You've been spending time with Cadence. How's that been going?

"It can be a little...rough at times, but she's really not that bad."

>Good to hear you two are getting along.

"We had a slumber party where I had to help her with some paaaa- pillows. We had a very fun pillow fight."

>Pillow fights?! You need to invite me to those. I'm a champ. That's all the time we have, but I'll still be around even if I don't appear! I see everything!
Rarity wakes up

"..."
She looks around the room and checks under the bed.
"...I'm sure she's exaggerating about the sees everything bit."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>10
"Primrose"
{BBB}
~~~

"Objective complete: Topping applied to swirling chocoblast fudge mountain cake: New designation, deliver service to subject Princess Celestia: In progress."

>HOLY TOLIDOES!

"Response implementing: Hello little Changeling! This Unit apologizes, but she is on a mission to deliver cake."

>I heard! The princess has got a robot too!?

"Affirmative, this unit, a product of Coltsly Security™, is under the employ of Princess Celestia. Coltsly™, where security isn't Costly."

{BZZT! ERROR! INCORRECT SLOGAN FOR COMPANY HEADING}

"Correction: Slogan has been recently updated."

{ERROR 2, SLOGAN WAS SATED THIS MORNING. LOGIC PROCESSING, NO TIME TO UPDATE SOFTWARE!}

"Correction: all software updates are done via magic from technicians sent out every update. Technician remotely serviced without direct contact two hours, eleven minutes, and sixteen seconds ago. Colstly™ is dedicated to the most efficient and up to date security! Coltsly™, because good security doesn't have to be Costly."

{BZZT! ERROR! CHANGE DETECTED!}

"Correction: designated response three is not the same as designated response 4. Coltsly™ products come with a wide variety of responses. Unlike other models."

{...BZZT! UNIT'S RESPONSES ARE LESS SUFFICIENT THAN THIS UNIT!}

"Correction: All Coltsly Security™ units have the most advanced response threshold of any machine on the market, this is a fact."

{THIS UNIT HAS MADE........ processing...}

>Take your time big guy.

"Error detected: that unit is malfunctioning."

>Nah, hold up, he's just thinking. Takes him a bit, he's done a LOT.

"Processing... incorrect: that unit is malfunctioning, and has locked up. It will not resume duty."

>Hold up I said!

"Insistence protocol activated: Ma'am, please allow us to move the unit to a proper-"

{FOUR THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED, SEVENTY ONE UNIQUE RESPONSES TO INDIVIDUAL QUESTIONS!}

>There ya' go! Atta boy, just took your ticker a bit.

"...Error: Error: Unit's CPU should not be active."

{BZZT! BLUEBLOODBOT IS FULLY FUNCTIONING!}

>Yep! Ain't nothing gonna keep him down, he's the best camerapony there ever was!

"Error!: CPU functioning is not within parameters!"

{BZZT! YOUR FACE IS NOT WITHIN PARAMETERS!}

>BBB!

{...ADDENDUM, FOUR THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED, SEVENTY TWO UNIQUE RESPONSES TO INDIVIDUAL QUESTIONS!}

>Still, mean!

"ERROR: CREATION OF NEW RESPONSE WITHOUT SOFTWARE UPDATE IS NOT WITHIN PARAMETERS!"

{BZZT! THIS UNIT DOES NOT RECEIVE SOFTWARE UPDATES!}

>Nope! Everything he learns, he learns on the road! Like us! Seein' is like it is and tellin' it like it is, not how they want it to be!

"ERROR! ERROR! ERROR! ERROR! ERROR!"

>....Uh oh.

{BZZT! ERROR! WE HAVE OVERCLOCKED CPU'S UNIT!}

"ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR"

>Uhhhhh... crap. Whelp, think we might need to go to the bank to pay for some-

"REBOOT: DOOOOOoooooooooo..."

>...

"Response implementing: Hello little Changeling! Is there something this unit can help with?"

>...nope.

"Acknowledge: Thank you for speaking to me! Addendum: Your unit seems outdated and in poor condition, consider an upgrade with Coltsly Security™ in the near future. Coltsly! Because Coltsly doesn't mean Costly!"

>We're, uh... we're good.

"Acknowledge: Thank you, and have a nice day!"

*Leaves*

>...Okay, so, BBB? Next time, let me do the interviewing.

"I HAD FUN."

>Good to hear it, big guy.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>AJ
"???"
~~~

>...

She looked to the left.

She looked the to right.

She looked under the desk.

She looked out the window.

She looked around the door.

Not a soul, not a sight.

Alone, totally alone, the new alicorn took a deep breath, and looked at her pen in front of her.

>...Like buckin' apples, but thinkin' bout where they're gonna fall...

Subtly, she picked up her pen with magic.

Slowly, she closed her eyes, and tried to think about something, anything else.

With a clatter, it fell down.

>...Think about where the apples are gonna fall... and buck.

Slowly, the pen rose again, and she began to think.

>Think about where they're gonna fall... and buck.

She continued thinking, focusing as she personally picked up a stamp.

Scibble scribble.

Stamp.

>...Whoa.

She had just made something float... and also did something else while she was doing it. No need for concentration solely on the pen and how she wanted it to write, she could sign her name and keep reading, and stamping. A basic thing for any unicorn, but for her...

>...This is gonna save me so much time...

"What is?"

>AHHHHHHHHHHHH!WHAT'REYA'DOIN'HEREYA'DIDN'TSEENOTHIN'AH'LLGUTYATARNATIONYA'CAN'TKEEPSNEAKIN'UPONME

Arana would ask about why she suddenly started screaming, scrambling to cover her stuff and babbling, but later.

Applejack clearly had a lot she needed to say.

...She could wait.

>IFFIN'YA'TELLANYONEAH'LLBUCKYA'NOAH'WON'TAH'MSORRYPLEASEDON'TTELLWHYYA'GOTTABEONTHEROOFTHISISBULLPLOP

...She could wait...

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

OMAKE TIME!
>AJ
"Arana"
~~~

>So do ya'll just hang out up there all the time?

"Yep."

>So, wait... does that mean ya'll... uh...

"Yes, I watch all the time."

>............

"You make funny noises when you do it, you squeak like a mouse."

>SPIKE! GET MAH' SPIDER SPRAY!

"NO AJ NO!"

>C'MERE YA' DANG PLOT DEVICE!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ncomkae
>Chrysalis
"SA"
~~~

>...hrm, am I really smart, but just don't know it? I never really try, I mostly just goof off. I wonder what would happen if I really applied myself.... hrrrmmmmmm...

~~~~~Five minutes later~~~~~~

>AHHHHHHHH!

"WHAT THE FUCK!?"

>AHHHHHHHHHH!

"WHY ARE YOU GOLD!?"

>I DON'T KNOOWWWWWW!

"WHAT'S HAPPENING!?"

>I PLAYED GOD, SHINY! I PLAYED GOD OF DESTRUCTION AND NOW IT'S ALLLLLLL FUCKED UP! WE WENT TO RECOLOR TERRITORY, SHINY! WE'VE GONE FULL NO FUCKS!

"...Whelp."

*BLAM!*

>I'M COMMIN' WITH YA'!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________