BeaToday at 12:53 AM
Do I want you to be happy? My answer to that is complicated. It doesn't feel right that your happiness should be uninterrupted after what you did to me, but I also feel that that's the anger talking, you deserve to be happy, and it's none of my business anyways. If you asked me for a single yes or no answer, I would still say yes. When I said I'm happy for you the other day, that wasn't a lie. That's the feeling I wanted to focus on and act on, regardless of what the other feelings were telling me.

I was happy in our relationship. I had gripes sometimes but they never stood up to the overall happiness. I would make plans to talk about them, and then when I actually had your ear they'd seem so small and insignificant that they didn't matter at all. That's the truth.

After the breakup, it took me a while to realize how badly I was treated in the last month or so. You expressed to me that one of the reasons for the breakup was that you felt bad for that very treatment, and I thought that meant you might understand how hurt and angry I felt after the fact. And yet it feels I'm the one defending my character here, even though you've never given me a good reason for why I had to go through that. I've tried to ask, with certainly no success.

When I spoke to danger that night I wasn't myself, I was overcome by anger and was busy recontextualizing a lot of things from the past to justify my anger. Danger helped me see the bullshit I was telling myself and helped me cool down. I'm genuinely sorry that you became a part of that exchange, it was meant to be words shared in confidence with a friend I knew could help me. I would never try to make danger pick sides or anything like that, either. She's always been very good about offering a neutral perspective. I go to her specifically because she doesn't take my side.
As for this, my only goal with you has been to clear the air. I never felt I had the right to cause problems for you after the breakup because our relationship was now a thing of the past. I wanted to forgive and be friends because ultimately I knew anger and betrayal aren't feelings worth making decisions on.

Finally, we've known each other for probably six years now. I don't think that the side of you I'm angry at is the whole you, and I haven't made a conclusion that you're a bad person or anything like that. I know you better than that. I just need time to contextualize and forgive. Maybe you can't forgive me for the way I try to cope with these overwhelming feelings of hurt, betrayal, and anger; I accept that. I said some things I deeply regret and I can't take that back now. I just hope you consider what led me to this point in the end.

Sorry for so much text. But that should tell you everything about how I'm feeling and why I've done what I've done

You can block me if you want, or whatever. I won't say anything during D&D so don't worry about that