I just don’t know what to do with myself
Prologue
Hello. My name is Setrina. I’m as plain as plain can be without being called Jane. I couldn’t even start my introduction with anything more exciting than “Hello”. It’s amazing when every 24 hours you live seem exactly the same as the previous and the 24 before and before.
Even my lunches are close to the same: plain sandwich, plain green apple, plain yoghurt and plain box of raisins.
Wake up and lie in bed staring at the ceiling for 10 minutes before changing into my uniform and heading to the bathroom.
Toothpaste – Plain (Not even whitening or 12 hour protection)
I look at my plain flat black hair in my plain rectangular mirror, stare into my dull brown eyes and sigh.
My basic wooden apartment door closes behind me as I leave to attend school. Walking down the cold stone grey steps of the subway, head down, watching the ground in front of me as I walk. Grimy silver doors open allowing entrance to the long vehicle equipped with dirty green seats and dim white lights. The clash of the wheels on the tracks synchronized with my heart beat.
My eyes pan over the passengers in the carriage, out of the 15 people on the train: 11 of them were wearing shades instead of colours, 5 were reading newspaper and 1 was smiling. A little girl dressed to her toes in pink sparking material, grinning at her mother. The two of them share a wide smile as they take turns passing gummy candy between them. She carefully fed her mother a soft candy, laughed and clapped her hands together.
I hoped to myself that when she grew up that she would treasure her mother.
Chapter one: Seven
Ever since I was seven I’ve been alone in this world. My mother couldn’t stand having to see the face of an unwanted daughter every day. One day she just disappeared, I sat watching through the kitchen window waiting for her to come through the door and say “Sorry I’ve been away!” then hold me to her chest and promise to never leave me alone again but that day never came.  As I waited I got colder and sadder, I refused to take a shower as if being away from that window would mean that I would miss my mother if she came home.
Day after day my hope diminished and so did the food in our house. After 13 days there was a knock at the door, two men dressed in grey suits were standing at the doorstep holding hard looking leather briefcases. One of them asked me where my parents were but when they saw that I was alone they forced me to go with them to the police station where I was made to wait. Several hours later I was told to go with a man in blue uniform to a house where they said I would be staying, I was too scared to question about my mother so I just followed mindlessly.
The car pulled up outside a medium sized white house, there was a path to the front door and thin bare trees lined the fences. Abstractly shaped figures stood by the door but I was too tired to focus.
I later came to know those figures as Gabriel and Michelle, I always use to think that they were either oblivious to the world around them or just so happy together that they don’t frown. They weren’t horrible to me but I never felt truly connected to them, Michelle wasn’t about to have kids thus adoption seemed to be the only option for her.
They sent me to a school close to the house, it was fairly small and a few blocks down from the house so I walked to school and walked back home. The teacher obviously knew of my situation at the time, she would often check on me and encourage other kids to play with me. I didn’t want the other kids, I wanted my mother. I sat alone at lunch and drew pictures of flowers during play time. Soon the teacher began to accept the fact I didn’t want to read books with the other kids or paint with them. I was coping by myself and was more than happy on my own.
A few months after I moved in with my foster parents I learnt the meaning of the word fear, Gabriel’s office was closing down and he had trouble finding a new job. Often he would come home late at night, of course I didn’t know what alcohol and intoxication was at the time but Gabriel taught me.
One night he came home holding a bottle and yelling loudly, Michelle had locked herself in the bathroom while screaming at him to calm down. Woken by the yelling I made my way to the living room where Gabriel was standing, His eyes were bloodshot with fury, I could smell the sharp alcohol scent while he spat out his words.
“What are you looking at?
He held my face with his large rough hands and forced me to look him in the eyes. I didn’t know how to respond, I was cold and scared that Gabriel was going to hurt me at any minute.
“ANSWER ME!”
He shook me back and forward like a rag doll, then forced my mouth open and poured some whiskey into my mouth. The alcohol burned my mouth and I gaged and spluttered but he wouldn’t let go of me.
“No wonder your mother ditched you.”
He threw me to a side with minimal effort and I laid there dead still hoping that he wouldn’t touch me again. Michelle came an hour later explaining that Gabriel was asleep in bed and helped clean the vile odour off my clothes and told me to go back to bed. For the rest of that night the memory looped inside my head, Every time I tried to close my eyes I only see Gabriel’s face hovering over mine, staring me down with his burning eyes.
Chapter Two: Sixteen
When I turned sixteen my life began to turn into more of a routine and hiding away from Gabriel became a main strategy of survival. I watched as Michelle slowly began to break down and my heart became colder. Gabriel came home less and less at night and eventually on that one day we were visited by police men instead of Gabriel.
I didn’t cry at Gabriel’s funeral even though Michelle had been brawling for days, She was frail but if you looked close enough you could see the genuine sadness and loneliness behind her eyes. After the funeral Michelle came to me holding a large manila folder which she revealed to be emancipation papers.
“You’re more mature than any sixteen year old and I cannot look after you any longer.”
She told me that she was going to move to Africa to do volunteer work there to try regaining herself after the abuse Gabriel put her through and that she was able to convince the court to allow me to be emancipated. She used the last of her savings to buy a small apartment for me and said that the government would provide for my school fees.
The papers took a week to process and during that time I helped Michelle pack and she helped me pack. Gabriel’s pictures and memorable items were all put in a box and buried with him, for that week it felt as if I woke up from a bad nightmare, I’m sure Michelle felt the same.
The apartment was located in a very abandoned part of town, Michelle had apologized for not being able to afford a bigger place but I told her it was fine, seeing as I didn’t own many possessions it was easier to unpack everything. Michelle and I ordered pizza that night and in the morning she left leaving me with a half empty room and a parcel on the kitchen bench.
That was the last time I saw Michelle, a day before my birthday and she had remembered enough to leave me a present.
Chapter three: Seventeen
When you’re seventeen people say it’s the best year of your life. You’re young and have plenty of mistakes to make but for me life just drags on and it seems like being seventeen lasts for longer than a year. School takes up more than two thirds of my whole year which is a lot of time spent on daydreaming while looking out the window.
At school because I didn’t have any close friends, I ate lunch in a small secluded corner on the grass fields next to the rubbish bins. Sometimes I wish that life went faster, 365 days shortened to just a few days. I could do all the things one person does in a lifetime in under a year’s length, and then die leaving behind only an empty apartment which will no doubt be bought by some young couple who have their whole lives ahead of them. The wind tickles the grass softly as it sweeps over the ground; far away I can hear people talking but cannot hear the words they are saying.
Why is it that humans can have such long years compared to animals, do we deserve to life longer than most? The bell rings a harsh sharp awakening, talking turns to rushing voices. Life was so dull, boring, and useless and yet one may never be able to accomplish everything they want in one life time.  I picked up my black backpack and headed towards class, why couldn’t I speed up my own life?
But I knew in my heart that I could. I just needed the idea.
 Today was going to be my last day as a seventeen year old, because starting tomorrow I am going to be eighteen and a week after that I will be nineteen and so on. My life will be complete before I turn twenty years old if I intend to die when I’m a hundred years old which seems to be the most popular choice age for death, I will fit everything that a person would do in a year into one week.
On the train back I watched the blurs of people, trees and buildings pass through the window before a heard a static scratch over the intercom.
“The train will reach the end stop in five minutes. Please collect your belongings.”
I jumped at the word “End”, if I was to age every week that means that today is my last day as a seventeen year old. I rushed off the train and ran to the bus to the local mall, I was going to go out tonight and be a real rebellious teenager and to do that I would need new clothes.
Malls are quite deceiving, outside it is dirty littered with teenagers loitering around but on the inside the floors sparkled and the glossy shop windows reflected light everywhere. I stroll into the nearest youth clothing store casually glancing at the clothes, one of the walls were lined with skirts all approximately about 25 centimetres long. I picked out a red and black checked skirt which featured a shiny red ribbon bow and walked over to tops rack hands skimming the soft material as I walk.
“Do you need some help?”
A perky looking shop assistant smiled at me as she finished her question, I shook my head and looked back to the clothes but out of the corner of my eye I watched as she walked back to the cashier counter. I stole a quick glance at her clothing and found that the colours of the top and pants were matching, although she probably had learnt that skill from her mother.
A few more people came into the shop and the assistant girl became busy, I picked up a red top with what seems like black buckles around the abdomen area and hurried to a changing room. The top fitted well but I wasn’t so sure about the skirt, it seemed a bit too short and only barely covered my lower regions but I had no time to waste. I carefully folded the clothes and grabbed my wallet for money.
Crap. I only had less than enough to buy the top which was already on sale, I opened the changing room door slightly and looked around the store and saw that the shop assistant was busy running around helping other customers. I carefully placed the clothes in my bag and put my clothes back on how there were before and exited the changing room not looking behind me.
My heart raced with every step I took it felt like I was going to explode, I tried to keep calm and look still but my hands didn’t stop shaking and neither did my legs. My eyes darted from side to side in case security were called already, flinching at every person who came close to me. Invisible sweat drops slid down from my forehead, adrenaline pumping through my veins like blue flames burning inside my stomach. My cheeks puffed as I marched, only a few more meters until I am out of the store I have to keep going. Determination driving me to walk faster, guilt clawing at me is making me feel extremely nauseous.
“Hey!”
I winced at the voice of the shop assistant calling to me, scared that I had been discovered. I was paralyzed and couldn’t move or even blink, I felt my lunch slowly creep up my esophagus. With the material of the skirt scratching at my skin under my top and my heart in my throat, I turned to look back at the assistant while trying hard not to look nervous.
“Thank you for shopping here today!”
I swore I could have killed her on the spot for making me feel so panicky, I nodded at her and stormed out of the store pissed at the way she tricked me, completely forgetting that I had just stolen $70 worth of clothes. It wasn’t till I was on the bus home that I realized that I just stole from a store but by that time the guilt had already stopped.
I unlocked my same basic door when I got home but with a bit more flare, dropping my school bag on the floor beside my bed and pulling out the bundle of stolen material from under my clothes and dropped them onto my bed. Some reason the clothes brightened up my room a bit as it lay on my ash coloured sheets reminding me of the thrill I had felt only about an hour ago which still gripped on to the back of my mind.
Anxious to rid myself of the clinging guilt I took an ordinary white towel from my closet and proceeded to the shower. The hot water bullets pelted me as I stepped in, Steam quickly spread around the bathroom while I continued to stand under warm raindrops of the shower head.
The water had burned off any regrets that I had as well as any worries, I closed my eyes and mentally planned my next move. I would need many fake ids for my ages which could prove to be a problem but I’m sure that I’ve heard some of the neighbours talking about a guy who deals in dodgy underground activities.
I found the leftovers of the money I had and headed down to see the man, Room 66 was what I heard. The door was painted sickly green and rubbish casually sat in front of the door polluting the air in the corridor, I knocked quietly once and stepped back waiting for the door to open, but it didn’t. I knocked again a bit harder and heard soft rustles coming from the other side of the door, I stepped back just in time before the door was flung open.
A scruffy looking young man stood in the doorway, He looked about mid twenty with messy brown hair, and baggy clothes hanging off his seemingly lanky body. He looked down at me dark circles below his sea green eyes, unshaven but it suited him somewhat. He took one look at the money in my hands and stepped back into the room motioning for me to enter, I edged my way into the entrance of darkness clutching onto the notes in my hand.
“So you want a fake Id aye?”
He scratched his head and looked back at me with bored eyes, I nodded in the direction of his voice as his room was too dark to distinguish the furniture in his room. I heard more rustling and a few soft crashes of metal falling onto carpet then light came to my saviour as a tall lamp in the right corner of the room illuminated suddenly.
His room contained more heavy electronic equipment than any room I’ve seen although I haven’t seen many, Computers which were connected to printers were also connected to a number of other bits of equipment that I couldn’t identify. Obviously he made quite a living out of making these ID cards although it seemed like he lived alone, there were no family photos or pictures only some sinister looking posters of bands. He walked over to a chair behind the desk covered in machinery and pressed some buttons on a keyboard, he looked at me up and down as if he was analysing me carefully.
“I think you can pass for 25, 26 if you’re lucky but it will cost you $120.”
I nodded at him and carefully dropped the money on the desk and pushed it towards him bit by bit, He pulled a camera out from a draw under the desk and told me to tie my hair up so that the hair was all off my face. He positioned me in front of a glossy blue screen and told me to look forward into the lens of the camera, the light flashed filling my vision with bright white burning light.
“It will take an hour or so to finish so why don’t you go for a while.”
His eyes were concentrated on the computer screen, his hands clicking furiously with his mouse. I roughly pulled the rubber band out of my hair and walked back to my own apartment, as soon as I got through the door I went to my closet and rummaged through it attempting to find that parcel Michelle had left me for my birthday. She told me to only open it in times of emergency so I stored it away, I managed to find it in an old shoe box neatly packed which was typical of Michelle.
I peeled off the aged tape and ripped the bag open, inside laid a bundle of hundred dollar notes and a white envelope. The envelope felt slightly heavy and it was folded instead of sealed, there was a small card and a thin silver bangle.
Neat tiny writing on the card said:
Dear Setrina:
I’m sorry I wasn’t able to protect you.
You may not have felt as if I was like your mother but I have always thought of you as my daughter.
I was scared when Gabriel changed, we were in love and I was so happy at the time that I couldn’t accept reality.
I regret letting him scare you all those times, you didn’t deserve it after the ordeal you had been through so early in your life.
My mother left this bangle for me when she died and asked me to pass it to my daughter, when I found out that I couldn’t have kids I was devastated.
Thank you (Someone) for letting me pretend at least that I had a child to live for in this life, so I pass this burden onto you hoping that you will have a more successful life than the lie I’ve tried to live for the last decade.
I hope you could forgive me for making you live through this with me then leaving you alone after all you’ve done for me, wear this bangle and remember my good qualities.
I’ve left you all my savings here in this brown bag and I hope you put it to good use, I know that money cannot repair emotional damage but I am a helpless old woman now.
Happy birthday (someone) and goodbye
Love always,
Michelle
I read over the letter again then set the bundle of money down on the table to count, she had left me just over $5000 dollars in cash. I took a couple of notes then hid the rest under my bed, of course I was going to find a better hiding place when I got home but at the moment I couldn’t think.
I put my new clothes on in the bathroom and posed a bit in the mirror, I was surprised to see that I looked a bit more grown up than I had before when wearing my school shirts and skirts. My clock told me that an hour had almost past even though I haven’t realized, I never knew getting dressed could take up more than ten minutes.
I drew softly on my eyes with a black eyeliner pencil like I had seen on TV once, and finished with a swipe of lip gloss. Michele bought me a set of makeup a few years ago when she took me shopping, she said I was growing up and needed to know how to use makeup without over doing it. She even bought me a tiny vial of perfume which we specially picked out, the little glass bottle was beautiful and the scent was intoxicating.
I put on my best pair of sneakers then head down back to room 66, as soon as I reached the door I saw another envelope taped to the wall beside the numbers with the letter “S” on it. It was a driver’s license with my picture on it slightly edited because my face looked a bit older than I had remembered.
The bar the gossiping girls mentioned was just down the street of the train station, from about 50 metres you could hear music blasting into the cool night air. When I stood in front of the bar I was somewhat disappointed, the street was filthy and people crowded the entrance like mice. There were many obnoxiously loud voices polluting the air, large muscular looking men stood at the entrance wearing tacky black sunglasses and crisp suits.
I joined the line of people impatiently waiting outside the doors clutching my ID, girls at my school liked to stuff money into their bra when they don’t have wallets or pockets which I found to be a useful skill. The closer I got to the front of the line the higher my internal organs felt in my body, the fact that sunglasses allowed a person to look and even watch someone without them knowing made me more nervous. Before I knew it I was at the front of a line with a giant like bouncer looking down at me.
“ID please.”
I passed over my newly printed driver’s license which had been carefully warmed by my hot guilty hands, I looked forward directly at the card in the large man’s hands as he examined my age and photo. Ten seconds turned into what felt like ten minutes of careful examination before his large arm moved aside allowing me to walk through the graffiti covered doors and into what teenagers call “Adulthood”.
Nightclubs are masters of deception. The outside is crusty and sick but the inside is like an escape away from the black and white, Colours lit up every corner of the room bouncing off the black glimmering dance floor. It was like paradise on a cold winter’s night, music pumping through large mammoth speakers mounted on every wall of the club. Blinding beams flashed, danced and shone particularly on one side of the building and the bar featured on the other side.
People were moving from side to side with flow and grace but some were just jumping up and down throwing their use-to-be-perfect hair around, bartenders poured the most memorizing shades of drinks into every glass shape imaginable.
I slid my ID into my bra hoping that when I attempt to dance like the people on the floor and some platforms my ID wouldn’t get lost. I moved closer to the dance floor bit by bit dodging the sweaty people that pushed pass me to use the bathroom to fix makeup and to eject the contents of their stomach into a bacteria ridden toilet bowl.
Suddenly I’m surrounded by people, all strangers of different shapes and sizes moving around me. I slowly began to move my hips like the way that the dancers I observed were doing, the music began to carry me and my blood began to pump harder. Soon I was swaying, jumping, shaking and other movements I didn’t even understand or can describe, and a guy with a face I couldn’t even see properly maneuverer his arms around my hips and began to move with me.
I had never felt so alive, the beat of the song influenced the bass line which sent me over the edge. The ground was shaking with excitement, I felt so lifted as if I was rising off the floor and into the sky but then I felt the burn in my legs which brought me back to the ground.
I patted the still dancing guy on the shoulder and gave him my best kind smile before leaving him to go find a seat at the bar, the long polished bench was full of eager customers waiting for a shaken or stirred drink. I watched in amazement as each different ingredient was poured into a large silver vessel then capped, men and women shook the containers fast and with style, tossing them in the air then catching them or spinning them in their hands.
Someone tapped me on the shoulder causing me to snap out of my trance, it was the boy from the dance floor. He smiled at me and for once I could see him better thanks to the still lights surrounding the bar. He had light auburn eyes and sandy blonde hair like a surfer only he wasn’t as well built although he was tall and fit.
“Lemme buy you a drink? As thanks…you know… for dancing with me.”
I pondered the offer for a second before replying:
“Sure.”
I watched him slide into the stool beside me and stared as he waved his strong looking arm for a bartender.
“What drink.” He said turning back to smile at me.
The question caught me off guard, most kids at school only talk about getting and being drunk but never about the names of drinks that were being drunk. I replied with the most mysterious thing I could think of at that moment.
“Surprise me.”
His eyes widened for a second then he turned to the bartender and did a “peace” sign, although he could have meant two but either way the bartender got to work filling up two tall glasses with a bright orange crushed ice mixture.
“That’s my friend working the bar, his parents are quite rich so they let him start his own business and it’s all good because I get free drinks here. But this drink right here would have to be his specialty.”
He pushed one of the tall glasses towards me, I was almost definite that attempting to smell the contents would make the situation awkward. I held my breath and sucked on the straw.
Sweetness covered my taste buds, spikes of ice melted against my tongue. Smooth orange flavours masked the strong taste of alcohol, I could feel the drug entering my body, my skin began to tingle and a ball of heat arose in my chest.
“My name is (Someone) by the way, Nice to meet you.”
Should I tell him my real name?
“Setrina.”
He repeated my name a few times, saying it in different tones and for different amount of time. Finally telling me that my name was interesting, this is better than being called weird I suppose. He took my hand and led me to a seating area away from the loud music with slightly brighter lights, from there I learnt about his moderately average life and his hobbies.
I was wrong. He wasn’t a surfer, in fact he was a skateboarder who likes to listen to mostly metal music. He was surprised when I told him that I didn’t own any mp3 players of my own and offered to lend me one of his old ones to listen to some songs he highly recommended.
We danced some more but the alcohol was getting to me, my head started to spin and I couldn’t make sense of what was happening. I could barely hear (Someone) asking me if I was ok, I didn’t say anything I just nodded my head. He put his and on my cheek and leaned in moving my face towards his, it was going to be the dreaded first kiss, I’ve heard girls complain about their experiences often shrieking at points. I didn’t know how to kiss someone, I just closed my eyes and waited for his lips to touch mine.
I never knew what it felt like to melt, after (someone)’s lips pressed against mine I froze on the spot. My nerve system was acting mental and I couldn’t feel my limbs, I didn’t know how long had passed before we parted looking back at each other and smiling shyly at each other.
I needed to go home. The alcohol was making me feel drowsy and i was sure that i would be booted from the club if i threw up on the floor. Not to mention it would be terribly embarrassing especially if i was sick in front of (Someone), but i had to get out.
"I have to go."
I began to make my way to the exit before (someone) stopped me again, in his hand held a piece of paper with scribbly writing on it.
"I wanna see you again sometime... If that’s ok with you."
He handed me his phone number and i left the club with my fake ID, A cute guy's number and the memories of my first kiss.
Chapter four: Eighteen
Right after i reached home and right before I puked up stomach acid into my surprisingly clean looking toilet, I saw the clock and it was past midnight. I’m eighteen now. I must do what an eighteen year old would do, and that was sex.
Of course I knew what sex was, health classes paid off somewhat after being plagued with plastic covered bananas. The lecturers handed out small packs of condoms to us each time we had a class, I stored them in the bottom drawer of my desk obviously thinking that I wasn’t in need of them.
The corners of the packets pricked my fingers, I hoped that they weren’t too old to function properly. Pregnancy was not on the list for eighteen years old, but it was important in life so I moved it down to 23 years old. Too tired to deal with anything I emptied my brain of my sweet eighteen list and drifted off to sleep.
I woke up at exactly 11am, obviously I wasn’t planning on going to school today. I had money to spend and things to buy, especially a phone. I looked on the table for the money and a small piece of paper, (Someone) had written down his number for me and asked to see me again soon. Suddenly I had an idea but firstly I needed to make a stop to the pay to use phone downstairs.
I called (someone) and asked if he was free, he told me he had work for a while in the morning but could meet me in a few hours, I think I surprised him because I rang him so quickly after we met. I asked him if he knew any good malls around town and if there were train stations near them, he responded by telling me that he would come pick me up and not to worry about trains. I knew i couldn’t risk going to the same mall as before just in case the same shop attendant was working there again, i chose to visit a clothing market, unlike most eighteen year olds i wasn’t afraid to wear vintage clothes.
After I hung up the phone I went to go tidy myself up from last night seeing as I had left my makeup on while I slept and hadn’t bothered to brush my hair this morning. The mirror greeted my now eighteen year old face, my eyes looked bigger and my makeup was barely smudged.
I decided to keep my new top on but find some jeans to wear instead of the skirt although it would be easier to change in and out of new clothes when wearing the skirt. I put on my newest pair of light blue jeans and went to the kitchen to get some breakfast.
My fridge had bread, eggs and all basic foods which seemed perfect for someone who was settled with kids, I mentally wrote another activity on my list.
Eighteen:
Try drugs
Try Smoking
Get a job
Have sex
Have beer or some form of alcohol in the fridge
Visit a R18 store
Go out all night and don’t come home in the morning
I looked over my list again, a lot of the things on my list I could do in one day but getting a job would be a tad harder than the other ideas on my list. I might have to ask (Someone) if he knew any people who were looking for someone to work.
(Someone) has been in my thoughts many times lately for some reason, I enjoy having him around me because it made me feel less alone and more determined. But first I needed to work on the easiest task on my list: Alcohol in the house.
Bottle stores were filthy looking, one lone bald fat man stood at the door attempting to look intimidating, he didn’t even check my ID properly when I showed it to him.
Bottles and stacks of alcohol surrounded the shop, there were posters of drinks mounted on the walls. Tall refrigerated shelves of booze lined the back of the store, radio rambling played over the speaker system loudly. I never knew there were so many names for drinks: bourbon, vodka, whiskey and tequila happened to be the most repeated names. Beer was located in a corner, there were cans and bottles in plastic covered cardboard boxes. I picked up a carton of “Cargo” beer which happened to be the cheapest, I didn’t have too much money to spend on consumable products.
A scrawny looking man guarded the sales counter, there were packets of strong peppermints in small buckets. I suppose some seventeen or younger people would need these to hide the lingering smell of liquor in their mouth from parents.
The whole case of beer cost about $10 which made me worried about the taste of it. I carried the box back to my house which took some effort because the plastic cover made the container more slippery, after I got home I set the beer on the bench and pulled open the tab on the side of the box. The cans were silverish and made from aluminium with big black print that said “Cargo”.
I couldn’t get my nail under the tab so I retrieved a butter knife from the kitchen drawer. The tab made a loud pop noise which was followed by the sound of foam forming from the carbonated drink. The can was slightly warm but I didn’t want to wait, I brought the opening to my lips and took a big sip.
I didn’t get to drink beer when i was seventeen, it’s only the most universally known alcoholic beverage around the world. One can see it being drunk on TV or even some beer ads that are stuck on large billboards all around. But beer turned out to be this light brown coloured, bitter tasting substance which i had to take my time swallowing. It was nothing like the drink (someone) had given me, beer is pure, no added flavours, revolting poisonous liquid. The packaging of beer however was fairly clever. The bottles had caps that cannot be screwed back on and the cans cannot be resealed, as if to say:
"You can drink some and throw it away or you have to drink it all to not be wasteful."
 Seeing as i couldn’t waste any money on something so insignificant, i swallowed every drop of beer in the can then went to line my fridge with the horrid stuff. I checked the time quickly right after I finished, (Someone) is coming very soon so I went to the bathroom to reapply makeup.
I examined myself in the mirror, it was as if I had a special shine that made my skin glow slightly as if I just had a tan. I turned my head from one side to the other just watching my reflection, at school I wasn’t considered a pretty girl but right here in front of the mirror I looked good.
I remembered Michelle use to tell me that I had eyes like my mother, I didn’t have any pictures of her because the police stripped out house and I was only allowed a small bag of clothes. I thought about what my mother would have been like seeing me the way I am now, would she be proud? Would she offer to braid my hair for me and take me shopping for clothes like normal mothers?
The doorbell snapped me out of my thoughts, I peered through the small peephole to see (Someone)’s face hovering in front of the hole. I quickly opened the door for him and asked if he wanted to come inside, he asked if he should take his shoes off but I said no need.
“Nice place you’ve got here.”
I thanked him then offered him a beer seeing as I have alcohol in the house now, I might as well try and impress him a bit and show how mature I was. He said no thanks then asked me which mall or shops I wanted to go to, I asked him to take me to the clothes market along the sea.
His car was old but comfortable, well-worn chocolate leather seats and no tacky dice or other accessories. His stereo was playing some rock music which I’m sure he told me about yesterday, I noticed many of the songs had guitar solos which had nice rifts. He asked me if I wanted to change the songs or listen to the radio but I said I didn’t mind, I just listened to the mostly middle aged men grunting that was blasting through his car speakers and attempted to understand what they were trying to say.
The crowded motorway gave way to the most gloriously clear looking seaside, (Someone) was still humming to the music but even he commented on how sparkly the water looked. I had read about the seaside clothing market a while back on an old magazine I picked up at the local library, I had never been to the beach and never mind swimming in the sea water.
It took (Someone) a while to find a park but when he pulled up, I opened the car door and was greeted by the smell of salty air and sweet sugar. (Someone) offered me his arm so I hooked mine through his, like a real couple.
We strolled through the stalls trying on different glasses and jewellery, He put shiny clips and pastel coloured flowers in my hair and I put many types of goofy sunglasses on him. I tried on clothes and modelled them for him as best as I could, I attempted to do poses and twirls that I saw in magazines. He bought both of us some ice cream and we leaned walked to the pier and sat dipping our feet into the water.
He asked me about myself because apparently we spent all night talking about him, I smiled at him and told him there wasn’t much to tell about my life. I knew I was acting distant from him but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that somehow he made me feel nervous around him, I had never been so self-conscious in my life. Talking about his life was fine for me but I knew that I was not ready to tell him my life yet, whether I end up telling him or not was up to him.
Conversation died down a bit because I was too busy watching bits of leathery looking seaweed wash around beneath us, for some reason (someone) was amused at my observations. We sat there on that pier for about an hour before (someone) asked his next question which was if I had ever been swimming in the ocean, but when I replied no (someone) stood up suddenly and told me to go with him.
I let him hold my arm and drag me through a crowd of people, not knowing our destination of course I kept asking him where we were going. He turned his head back and told me that we were going to buy something that I desperately needed or else I could not survive, the comment lead my mind to wander about all the possible items I could not live without.
We finally reached a fairly small stall with long colourful material that draped over the simple tent structure, hanging on thin bamboo racks were lines of triangle bits of material which were connected to spaghetti like strings, or in other words: bikinis.
He asked my favourite colour, I never really preferred one colour over another although I didn’t really war too much colourful clothing. But I told him red just to match some of my other new clothes, the stall owner pulled out some more bits of material and handed them to me. I didn’t know that a person could pay so much for a few bits of cloth on strings but the bikini was around $40, (someone) paid for it though saying that he couldn’t not after dragging me all the way to get it.
The sun was beginning to set but more people flooded into the marketplace, candle lights were being lit and all sorts of torches and glow sticks were being sold at rapid rates. Kids ran from stalls back to their parents asking for more money because they didn’t leave enough to buy candy, a little girl actually bumped into (someone) by accident, she looked so embarrassed I could tell because her face flushed bright red. The girl was wearing an adorable white dress with pieces of lace decorated around the edges, she looked at (Someone) with her big beady eyes and apologized to him before running off in the direction opposite us.
“Kids aye, gotta love them.”
I looked at (someone) surprised that someone like him would like kids, he seemed more mature and carefree. I let him lead me to a public changing room opposite the beach, he told me to put on my new swimwear and meet him outside when I was done.
It was warm that day but when you’re wearing so little especially as little as a bikini my skin gifted my body with mini Goosebumps all over my arms and legs, (someone) actually took longer in the changing room than me which completely goes against the “girls take longer” rule.
When he saw me shivering outside the changing rooms he quickly ran up and embraced me, I was caught off guard I nearly lost balance but (someone) was holding me so tight that I didn’t fall. He rubbed his hands over my arms roughly attempting to warm me up, I told him it was ok and that I could always put clothes on.
(Someone) took my hand and pulled me until we were about a metre away from the waterline, we had dumped our bags on one of the payable lockers by the car parks. The sand was cool under my feet and I felt the need to move my toes into the sand to feel the mini grains moving against the skin on my feet, we began to walk closer to the water until the incoming waves just covered our feet.
It was refreshing standing in ice cold sea water, I felt my body slowly getting use to the temperature of the ocean waves against my feet and encouraged myself to walk further in. Eventually we were up to our waists in the icy sea, I was still holding (someone)’s hand and huddled close to him for warmth.
He dipped his hand in the water then flicked cold droplets on my head, I retaliated by splashing him childishly. We played around like kids laughing and wading for a while before it got colder, (someone) lifted me up and held me against him and told me to put my legs around him which I obeyed. He carried me out of the water and set me down on one of the park benches and offered me a towel, we took turns wiping drops of salt water off each other and lined his car seats with towels and turned on the heater inside.
We sat watching the people pass in front of us for a while waiting for our swimming gear and hair to dry, and we held hands the whole time. (Someone) rested his head on my shoulder and I returned the gesture by tilting my head until it just touched his, the night was peaceful and quiet which I liked more than the booming music of the club.
 Still holding my hand (someone) sat up straight and looked directly into my eyes, I looked back at him feeling slightly shy on the inside because for some reason he was making me extremely edgy. He leaned closer to me and I leaned close to him, we repeated the sequence until his lips rested on mine. Then he opened his mouth and suddenly I felt like I was the heroine of a romance movie, it was so perfect and lovely I couldn’t think about anything at the time. I didn’t think about my list, I didn’t think about my past, not even the fact that I was pretty much naked sitting in a man’s car kissing him.
He drove me home afterwards, we did really talk much on the way back to my house. We walked up the stairs to my apartment and I took my time unlocking the door, I think he took this as a sign that I was inviting him in.
I told him that I was going to go fix myself up a bit in the bathroom if he didn’t mind and that there was beer in the fridge if he wanted some, I walked into my bright light lit bathroom and heard the fridge door open in the kitchen.
I let myself out of the bathroom to find him making a phone call in the kitchen, as soon as he was finished I made my way towards him and softly tugged on his sleeve.
He turned and looked into my eyes before kissing me again. This time I threw my arms around his broad shoulders and pressed myself further into the kiss. Suddenly I forgot all about the plan and focused on kissing (Someone). He laid me down on the bed before climbing on top of me towering over me. His hair tickled my cheek as he lent down and kissed me again.
His tongue rushed over mine making me moan softly into the kiss. I haven't felt like this in a long time. He ran his hand over the side of my body gently while taking a breath before kissing me again.
Suddenly he let go and the mood of the moment completely collapsed. I didn't understand why he stopped all of a sudden. I reached over to him in hopes of getting an answer.
"(Someone) we can't do this."
I was shocked by his words. Was I not good enough for him?
"But… Why?"
“We’ve only known each other for about a day.”
I sat up on the bed and tilted my head to the side, he looked angry in a way but I couldn’t tell because he was looking at the ground. I didn’t know what to do, I had never felt so rejected in my life. I think (someone) may have noticed my distress and pulled me close to him.
“I don’t want this to be a one night stand. Let’s take it slow ok?”
I nodded back at him before offering him another beer, small pat sounds began to ring from outside. Raindrops fell like stones against the hard plastic roof, I’ve always hated the rain. Rain is horrible, not only is there darkness and cold the rain drops fall on you hard like bullets, I felt more alone during storms like these than any other type of weather.
I mentally sent (Someone) signals asking him to stay here with me but when he stood up and told me that he had to go I felt a bit hurt, we hugged goodbye and I closed the door behind him before rushing towards the window to watch his car pull away from the street curb below.
I sat on my bed and pondered if I had seemed too desperate when I called him so early, I was obviously not going to make the same mistake again. Tomorrow I am going to work on getting a job, I made a mental note to pick up a copy of the newspaper in the morning.
I was about to go brush my teeth and sleep before I saw (Someone)’s half-finished beer sitting on the table, I picked up the can and swished it around a bit. There was still about half a can left which left me debating whether or not to finish the drink for him or not.
I took a small sip then a bigger one, the bitter taste of the beer overpowered the bittersweet taste that was left in my mouth by (someone)’s departure. I finished off the rest of the can then stumbled into the bathroom to do my nightly routine clean, my eyes looked puffy in the mirror as if i was about to cry. I forced the tears back and sniffed, it had been a long time since I had truly cried and I wasn’t about to start again for a while.
One guy wasn’t worth the pain, after all I’m only eighteen. There were plenty more fish in the sea and I just got myself a giant fishing net of experience.
Chapter Five: Eighteen and a quarter
The next morning was cloudy which annoyed me, when the sky is grey it only adds to the blandness of the world. But I had bigger things to worry about, I needed a job to pay for all these new clothes and foods. I was pondering all these things over some now cold bread crumbs on plate smeared with butter before I heard a knock on my door, it was (Someone).
I hesitated to open the door but he stood out there waiting and kept on knocking as if he was trying to tell me that he knew I was inside, I grabbed a jacket from my closet to cover my sleep wear then opened the door for him. He stood in the doorway looking at me for a while before his mouth turned into a small smile and said
“Hi.”
I nodded back at him and asked if he wanted to sit down, he said no so we awkwardly stood there still. I stared at my feet often making little glances at him to see what he was doing, but he was staring at the ground too.
After a few deadly silent minutes he began to speak:
“My friend is having a party tonight, and I wanted you to come.”
I looked at him but he was still looking at the ground, I didn’t know whether to accept or not.
“Maybe”
His head turned up looking hopeful, he told me the address and I wrote it down on the same piece of paper his number was on. He told me that it was a BYOB which i was told stood for “Bring your own booze”.
Then I showed him out the door and watched as his car drove away just like last night then sat on my bed pondering what to do before I remembered that my task for today was to attempt to get a job.
Newspaper costs the equivalent to a whole loaf of bread which usually lasts me just over a week, the actual paper smelt of bitter ink against paper and had made my fingers dirty. The front page was covered in pictures about disaster, it seemed that the newspaper printers were really sadists that liked to write about harm and damage.
There were only two pages worth of job openings and one of the two were more on the “adult services” side which I intend to stay away from, there were a few cafes looking for waiters/waitresses but they were on the other side of town and required work experience which I obviously didn’t have.
There weren’t many supermarkets around where I lived which means that being a checkout girl was out of question, to be honest the apartment was fairly isolated from the rest of society. I had bought a pair of what seems like black work pants and I wore my school shirt on top hoping that it would make me look more mature and ready for a job.
I circled some suitable jobs but most of them were cleaning jobs which were obviously minimum wage offers. I suppose it is better than having no source of income. There was also a problem of having to write a CV as if anyone would take someone who was really underage, maybe I will have to find a slightly dodgier way of earning money.
Of course there was that party (Someone) invited me to and I had forgotten to buy a cell phone yesterday when I was out shopping. Technology was amazing, school kids and even kids ten years or younger had the most impressive collection of phones. Luckily there was a small electronics store close to my street which saves transport money.
The window beside the shop door displays a number of second hand phones with small pieces of paint chipped off the buttons especially, surprisingly every screen was a colour one. The cheapest of the phones was a small rectangular dark blue one which had a broken phone charm on it. The shop keeper taught me how to add contacts and how to use “text messaging” which seemed quite useful to me.
After I left the shop I decided to send (Someone) a message saying that I would be there tonight. Right after I sent the message the phone started ringing, I pressed the green telephone button and held the device to my ear. He wanted to know if I wanted him to come pick me up but I told him that I would meet him there. We said our goodbyes before hanging up but I looked at my phone for a few more minutes hoping that he would call back, when he didn’t I put my phone in my pocket and walked on home.
There was a small thin door on the side of our local diner on our street, there were signs only paper with many different designs of flowers, symbols and pretty much any other picture you could think of. I knew what a tattoo was but had never been in a tattoo parlour, eighteen year olds had tattoos didn’t they?
Inside the shop there was only a counter, a few chairs, some folders on the counter and a door covered by a black curtain. A young girl came to the counter, her hair was choppy and dyed. Bits of blonde and red hair framed her face, she had a few metal balls on her ears and one on the right side of her nose.
I slid my ID across the counter and she smiled at me and asked me what I wanted. Her voice was light like a singer but her clothes made her look a bit like a thug. We looked through the folders searching for a tattoo that would suit me, I finally decided on a small feather with small Celtic vines and barbules that curled upwards.
She pulled the curtain to the side and told me to sit on the chair while she went to get the equipment. There were lots of rummaging and metal on metal clanging coming from the store room she disappeared into. She came back with a medium sized box and a strip of black material in case I didn’t want to watch.
She loosely tied the cloth around my eyes and introduced herself as Lisa before sitting down on a chair and rubbing a very cool liquid on the top of my right shoulder. My skin tingled where she had touched and I held the chair tight when I heard a large machine begin to crank behind me. The tattoo didn’t take as long as I thought it would but Lisa told me it was because mine was small and didn’t require much colouring.
She asked me if I wanted to bandage it but I told her no, we talked a bit more while waiting for my shoulder to stop hurting so much. I told her about the party (Someone) had invited me to, but when she asked me what I was wearing I went slightly speechless. I’m sure she saw the distress in my eyes because she walked back to the store room and emerged with a shimmering blue strapless dress.
“We’re about the same size which is great!”
I was amazed and couldn’t believe that she would let me borrow this without knowing me so much.
“Hey Lisa when can you leave the store?”
She said that her shift finished in half an hour, I invited her to my apartment to help me and surprisingly she accepted.
I waited until she finished closing up the shop, we walked together talking about why she worked at the tattoo place and I told her about (Someone). She seemed more interested to hear about (Someone) so I told her all I knew about him.
Lisa helped me do my hair and makeup, it was as if she carried a whole department store insider her bag. After about an hour’s worth of pampering and posing and laughing as we pulled silly faces at each other.
For a moment I felt like a little girl, was this what so called slumber parties felt like? Lisa and I exchanged phone numbers and she made me promise that I would call or message her. Wearing the stunning blue dress I stood at the door asking her when she wanted the dress back and where she bought it from.
“I made it! You can give it back to me next time and we can go out for coffee but I’m going to make you pay!”
I waved at her distancing shadow before going back into the bathroom to apply perfume, I was ready for my first ever party.
Trains at night seemed calmer, many of the passengers were resting on their briefcases, kids no longer screamed and ran around, instead they sat quietly on the seats. Bright lights passed the window which caused a strobe light effect which was quite dazzling to be honest. Inside my chest my heart was starting to beat quicker as the train reached the stop.
I tried to check my face in every reflection I saw, the dirt covered metal bits distorted my reflection which caused me to become more nervous. I checked the address many times as I walked down the street, my hand clutched my phone hoping for (Someone) to call me in case he was worried.
I finally reached the address, there were small half deflated balloons hanging from cheap white string on the fence around it. People were shuffling in and out of the house with yellow lights flooding out from the windows, thank god the house was a bit far away from the rest of the houses otherwise there would be so many complaints because the music was really quite loud.
There were girls and guys and more girls and guys, people on the “dance floor” grinded against each other all moving together as if everyone was all stuck together. I searched around the rooms looking for that soft sweep of sandy hair to come into my sight, I finally found him next to a tall brunette girl. The pair were chatting and laughing as if they were in their own world, I turned around and walked to the door before I was stopped by a somewhat familiar face.
“Hey! You’re the girl from that night!”
A half-drunk guy swung into my view holding a bottle of whiskey in his left hand and his right hand on my shoulder which made me feel slightly uncomfortable, he began pushing my back into the room where (Someone) was standing. He saw me and walked towards me with the other girl in tow, the girl now had an uncomfortable look on her face as she saw me approaching.
(Someone) and I exchanged awkward Heys before his friend piped up and broke the silence. His friend introduced himself as Victor or Veek for short, he was the bartender from the club I went to a few nights ago. Then the brunette began to speak, her voice was very sharp and a bit snobbish.
“I’m Rochelle.”
I replied with the usual “nice to meet you” then told (someone) that I had to leave, he offered to drive me home but I told him no and that he should go have fun with Rochelle. I turned to walk out of the crowded house but I was bumped into by a guy who has lost most of his balance and was asking me if I had a lighter, turns out there were a bunch of people in a bush next to the house that were getting ready to pass out joints.
My mind jumped to my sweet eighteen list, this was my chance to finally cross another activity off the list. There was a bright pink lighter on the side table and I went to pick it up, Veek saw me and gave me small shot glass full of a clear liquid which he said was called “Smirnoff”. The taste was so strong it made my eyes begin to water, I had to find a sink or something to spit the shot in but I didn’t know where to go.
I felt like a headless chicken running around looking for a form of drainage, I finally found the bathroom and spat the remains of the shot of Smirnoff into the sink. I was about to exit the bathroom until I heard some weird jumping noises in the room next to me, the door was slightly open and a very dim light was on inside the room. On the bed there were two people with their bodies entwined moving back and forward, I squinted then gasped.
It was (Someone) and Rochelle.
Chapter Six: Eighteen and a third
I went to the kitchen to look for Veek and saw the time on the kitchen clock, it was already past midnight which meant that already a third of my eighteen year old life was over. There were large bottles full of brown coloured liquids, a bald guy was pouring them out to other girls and asked me if I wanted one. I nodded and he handed me a tumbler full of weird yellow liquid which he called “Tequila”, I held my breath and swallowed an entire mouthful of this stuff and coughed at the strength of the alcohol.
The guy laughed then turned his attention back to the other girls, I took the tumbler and remembered that the lighter was still on the table so I went to go get it. I stumbled outside onto the fresh smelling lawn which had some men wrestling on it pretending to be sumo wrestlers, there were loud sounds coming from the forest of trees.
I followed the voices to find a huddle of people sitting around a small campfire smoking, there was a smell of burning weed in the air which many people were drawn to. I sat down in a gap in the circle and waited for the joint to be passed around, when I finally got it I held the end and tried to suck through butt.
A girl patted me hard on the back which surprised me and made me drop the burning paper roll on the ground, I quickly picked it up and stared at her with slightly angry eyes.
“You’re doing it wrong!” she yelled at me her eyes half closed with a goofy smile on her face, she then announced to everyone I was a first timer and that someone needed to slap me with some experience.
“You have to inhale the smoke, not keep it in your mouth!”
She grabbed the joint from my hands and demonstrated, smoke came out of her nose and floated up into the sky. She passed it back to me and began to note the steps out loud making sure that I followed her steps without fail, it took me till about the fifth try to be able to hold in the smoke without coughing. The girl seemed proud of me then walked off somewhere but I didn’t focus.
I couldn’t tell if I was feeling the effects of weed or not, all I knew was that I felt relaxed, but not much else. Then it hit me, it was like a shade had been lifted, everything was bright and stunning. My body felt loose and my eyes heavy, the trees seemed to be moving back and forward and swaying side to side. All of a sudden the sounds were louder and deeper, colors were richer and brighter, it was like feeling of being reborn and hearing and seeing for the first time. I was speechless, every few minutes it felt as if I was floating off the ground and just hovering in the air.
Images became slower and my whole body became sensitive, it felt as if I had lost control of my body and everything was rearranged. My arms left like legs and my legs felt like my eyes, the pure confusion drove me around like a madman flailing and flopping like a fish. My vision was blurred and I could only see in a strobe light effect.
The moon looked humongous as it towered over our small insignificant group of humans celebrating nothing under the serene night sky, every object had an outline which glowed with dim white light. I was free, I held my hands out to feel the cool wind on my fingertips. (Someone) didn’t come to mind at all, I was too busy living in this new world.
Somehow I made my way inside and had begun to dance crazily, my hair flew all over my face blinding my vision. I could have sworn someone was calling me but I ignored it and kept swaying to the music.
My sight began to blur and so did my hearing, I couldn’t make out what people were saying or doing. I felt my body tilt sideways but I wasn’t sure if I was imagining it or not.
Hands clawed at me from every direction grabbing roughly at my body, at this point I was sure someone picked me up but I wasn’t thinking, I tried to kick my legs around but I couldn’t feel my limbs. My body and thoughts began to dissolve and before I could stop everything turned to nothing.
When I woke up in the morning I was in a bed, not my own but it was comfortable. The mattress was lined with soft white sheets that smelt of laundry powder and men’s deodorant. I was covered by a thick white duvet while wearing Lisa’s dress.
I sat up on the bed and looked around the room, there were no pictures on the walls only a few posters and a dartboard.  The door leading out of the room had a “Do not enter” sign on it which automatically made me think it was a boy’s room.
My shoes were beside the bed and lined perpendicular to the bed, my phone sat on a small wooden bedside table next to me. I swung my legs from beneath the duvet and put my shoes back on.
I checked my phone and saw there was a missed call from Lisa and a few messages. I quickly scanned through Lisa’s message which said that she had a friend who ran a bar and she might be able to pull a few strings there and get me a job, no questions asked. She said that the bar was a fairly new place and that her friend wanted some pretty girls to help attract customers and that she recommended me.
I quickly texted her back saying that I would love the job and that we should meet up soon to talk about details, I didn’t notice when (someone) walked through the door. I was still typing into my phone before he spoke, as soon as I heard his voice I froze. I couldn’t look at him, I didn’t want to look at him.
“I’m glad you’re awake.”
I didn’t say anything to him, I just got off the bed and walked out of the room. He came after me asking where I was going, I muttered a “thanks” to him and walked out of his front door. I had completely forgotten I had no idea where I was, I turned around on the spot attempting to find some sort of sign which would guide me to a train station or a bus station or any form of transport away from (Someone) as fast as possible.
I began to walk in one direction as fast as I could hoping that it would lead me somewhere or at least give me a clue on where I was at the moment, my shoes began to dig into my feet and I became slower and slower. Was this what it felt like to be out all night? Even though I was in pain and had no idea where I was, I managed to cross another line off my list.
After what felt like an hour’s worth of dragging my sore feet across scratchy pavement, I heard a car behind me. I knew who it was and it was exactly the person I didn’t want it to be, I pretended not to have heard him and kept walking away even though it was becoming harder and harder to ignore the torture of high heels.
He pulled up next to me then basically told me that I wasn’t able to reach home if I kept continuing and begged me to let him take me home, at first I just kept walking but the hurt from the shoes hit me hard causing me to trip and fall onto the hard pavement. There were large scratches on my arms and legs and bits of stone embedded themselves on my dress, I picked myself off the ground with whatever dignity that I had and continued to walk.
It felt like a wave of wind, the way he got out of his car and literally picked me up and dropped me in the passenger’s seat. I stopped silently protesting and avoided eye contact with him as much as I could, we drove to my house in muteness, (Someone)’s radio wasn’t even on which surprised me.
When we got to my street we sat in the car for a while, both of us staring at the blank air in front of us as we lingered in the awkwardness.  He made the first move to talk and told me that we didn’t get time to really talk last night which he said he regretted.
I almost laughed out loud at the word “Regret” but I stopped myself, when he had finished talking I just stared back at him with vacant eyes.  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if he could really receive the small mental notes I send him whenever he is saying or doing the wrong thing, I think it would make the sour feeling in my heart feel a bit sweeter.
After a few more minutes of quietness I unlocked the car door and opened the door, like lightning (Someone) rushed to my side of the car and lifted me out of the seat. He carried me all the way to my apartment, I was about to protest but after having no food in my stomach and half my memories from the night before inaccessible by my brain I didn’t protest.
My door was locked of course and he asked me if I had a key, I didn’t let him fish the key out of my bra but I handed it to him and he opened the door for us. He set me down on my bed and helped me undo the straps on my shoes, we sat on the bed looking at each other, eye to eye then away to different corners of the room then back to eyes again.
He lent close to me, soon his breath was tickling my face and it smelt like spearmint which was refreshing and gentle. I closed my eyes, I wanted him to come closer but at the same time I wanted him to leave. That horribly disturbing image of Rochelle swam in my sea of thoughts, taunting me with her beady eyes.
I couldn’t take it, I wasn’t a calm little girl who couldn’t speak out anymore. I pressed my fingers softly against his lips, his eyes fluttered open and looked directly into mine. I took many deep breaths, in out and repeated a few times before I stared hard back at (Someone) and muttered the word:
“Rochelle.”
His hands moved away from me and rested on his forehead holding his face as if he was in pain, I went to the kitchen to get some water and breakfast and left him to his thoughts for a while. I figured he couldn’t complain that there wasn’t much food in my kitchen so I just made some toast, he came up behind me and hugged me from behind.
I didn’t struggle I just stood still staring down at the kitchen bench, he brushed my hair to my left shoulder and pressed his cheek against my now bare right shoulder exposing my small tattoo. He must have found it because he pressed two fingers directly on my feather then softly kissed my little single feathered wing and trailed kisses up my neck.
My heart began to pound against my ribcage because I could feel my pulse hitting me like the bass line of a song, paralysed was a good word to describe how I felt. There was just something about this one guy that made me feel this way, it was a mixture of good and bad which made my head spin. What should I do?
I pushed him away and told him that I wanted him to leave my house, small tears came out of my eyes. I had forgotten what it felt like to cry, I was so angry my head began to hurt. My face began to feel hot and wet as if I had been standing in front of a kettle, I stared at his feet and wiped my dripping tears on my arms roughly.
He walked to the door and opened it, I was still standing in the kitchen holding my now bright red face in my hands ashamed that I had broken down in front of (Someone). He spoke quietly but I still heard it, it was a simple, plain apology which fuelled my cries but I don’t think he heard them because the door had closed.
It took a while for me to calm down fully and spent some time splashing cold water on my face to get rid of the redness, I called Lisa and asked her if she was busy. She told me she was down at the store again and that she would be done in a few hours and that she could come over if I wanted, I only said “Please” but somehow she picked up on some form of sadness in my voice and asked me if I was ok.
I told her that I had seen (Someone) and Rochelle and before I could finish Lisa told me that she was coming as soon as her shift finished with a tub of ice cream, I thanked her a number of times but she said it was no problem.
“Always happy to spend time cheering up a friend!”
I decided to go back to bed for a few hours before Lisa came, I cleaned myself up and brushed the dress off to make it look clean before I hung it by my closet. My little bed felt cold and it smelt nothing like (Someone)’s bed had, the blanket was slightly scratchy and uncomfortable but exhaustion washed over me and gently put me to sleep.
I snapped out of my nap when I heard loud knocks on the door followed by a loud call of Lisa’s voice, I stumbled out of bed and opened the door. Lisa looked me up and down, brushed hair off my face with her hand and told me to go get back into bed while she went to get spoons.
We sat eating strawberry rippled ice cream which had similar colours to Lisa’s hair, talking about the party was hard considering I didn’t remember much after I saw (Someone) and Rochelle but never the less I told her about that.
“What a douchebag! I mean he kissed you and everything then he goes and screws some bitch?”
I was so overwhelmed by her choice of words that I giggled a tiny bit, she smiled at me, hugged me then said that men are like ninjas:
“Quiet, sneaky and always have something to stab you with.”
I think she meant that metaphorically and literally but I wasn’t really in the mood to point that out. We couldn’t finish the ice cream so Lisa put it in my freezer and came back to sit on my bed, I couldn’t shake the feeling of depression even though she was trying to cheer me up the best she could.
Finally Lisa decided that the best way to get over someone is to go out have completely forget about them, She also decided that last night was a waste for the dress she made and commanded me to put it back on. She told me to grab a few dollars and comfortable shoes because we were going to “Dance the night away.”
I took a quick shower and washed my hair while Lisa called her friend who was going to pick us up and take us to Lisa’s house, According to Lisa, her friend Criss had a pretty nice car. The car was a so-called Porsche which I had never heard of before, Lisa was surprised and claimed that everyone knew what a Porsche was like.
Criss’ Porsche was black, like a smooth flat piece of charcoal. It wasn’t covered in mud which I imagined it to be, Criss himself was quite smooth looking too. He wore a crimson coloured shirt with wrinkle-less black pants and a slightly shiny black over shirt which was unbuttoned, he was well built and chocolate brown hair which rested on his head.
He looked like such a macho but as soon as I saw his innocent light blue eyes he became a child in my eyes, Lisa sat in the passenger’s seat and I sat in the middle back seat. The seats were soft like (Someone)’s car but was made of black slippery material, there was a faint smell of air freshener in the vehicle which was calming in some way.
He wasn’t very talkative and Lisa managed to get her hands on the stereo, she turned it up loud but Criss didn’t seem to mind it. Noisy poop music filled the car and Lisa sand along with the music. I was too busy watching other cars pass by, trying not to think about (Someone) was harder than Lisa made it out to be.
I only knew him for a few days, but it felt like I had known him for months which would be right if I followed my one week age plan. I managed to catch Criss’ eye looking through the rear view mirror, he asked me if I was alright. I just nodded back at him, noticing that his eyes was now a green colour which surprised me.
Lisa’s house looked like a palace, She conveniently forgot to mention that she had rich parents. Her parents usually weren’t home to she stayed out often at night, her room was like a dream come true for any girl but she just shrugged it off.
She picked out shades of makeup for me then went to get dressed, I having never used eye shadow before just sat on a chair using only makeup that I have had previous experience with. Lisa came out of her walk in closet wearing a flowing purple top with small gold buckles on the shoulders and normal dark blue jeans, when she had seen that I only used a portion of the makeup, she pushed me into the chair and told me to close my eyes.
Soft bristles tickled my face and eyes, loose powder flew off making me sneeze, after about five minutes of intensive making up Lisa told me to open my eyes and led me to her mirror. My eyes looked so focused, There was a small sweep of silver glitter on my eyelid which slowly blended into a black coal colour.
I stared at my eyes, they looked like a lighter shade of brown from what I remembered, as if they were auburn coloured like one of the famous models in a magazine I saw. Lisa produced her camera and told me to pose, I tilted my head to the right and gave her a little smile. We took so many pictures and Criss was dragged into some, silly faces and awkward positions, Lisa took pictures of me, I took pictures of her.
She told us that she was going to put them on her computer, Criss offered me a drink of a coffee liquor drink called “Kahlua” he told me that the best way to drink it was to mix it with milk or coke. We took more pictures and listened to more of what Criss called “Mainstream” music and drank more Kahlua.
Soon it became dark and we were ready to leave the house, when we finally parked outside the club I saw many people looking at Criss’ car in envy. Automatically he was the centre of attention for all the girls, we didn’t even have to wait in line this time. Criss walked up to the security guard and it seemed like they were friends, the guard nodded to us then Lisa grabbed my hand and pulled me in.
This club was brighter than the other club, there was more dance space and higher platforms. There were also cages around the place with open doors, Shiny poles added to the reflection of the lights especially when people swung around on them.
Lisa told me it was because this club was more of a dance club instead of a drinking club, since we were already a bit tipsy on the booze at Lisa’s house we went straight for the dance floor. Criss was at the bar talking to one of the bartenders, I only noticed because I had to take a break from jumping up and down with Lisa and I wondered where he was.
I watched as he talked more to the man then turned and looked in my direction and pointed to me, the bartender nodded a few times then shook hands with Criss. Lisa grabbed my hand and told me that we’re going into the cage, I was a bit nervous because my dress was a bit short. I told Lisa this but she just laughed, then she pulled a small pink coloured pill out of her jeans pocket and asked if I could swallow pills without water.
I remembered hearing a radio report about the effects of party pills but I had never seen one in real life, the one Lisa gave me tasted faintly of strawberry. I didn’t know if it was the pill or not but suddenly it felt like a giant rush of energy suddenly hitting me, I was moving faster than I had ever felt before.
We danced in the cage, we danced on the floor, I even attempted to dance on a pole. Lisa told me that I just had to hold on to it and swing then put my legs around it. For a second the thought of having me holding on to something reminded me of (Someone), the thought was quickly shaken off when a very jumpy song came on.
I cleared my mind and tried to focus on having as much fun as I could, Criss bought us a round of shots and we got to request songs at the DJ booth. I felt magical, as if every light was shining on me, I moved around like I was a star and laughed more than I had ever had in my life. I knew that I was going to miss my time as an eighteen year old when the week passes, but I didn’t think about that, I didn’t think of anything.
I didn’t think of (Someone).