Anon's Paranormal Predicament [Complete]

>Be Anon.
>Someone is watching you.
>No, not the group of girls at that table.
>"They want to know why you're alone."
>"Why would they want to know that? He's not alone."
>"You're never alone as long as you have us, Anonymous."
>"But they can't see that, you idiot. As far as they're concerned, there's nobody here."
>"Who are you calling idiot? I'm not the one who launched a firework off his head."
"Oh my god can you shut up?"
>"Never use the Lord's name in vain, Anon."
>It was four months ago today.
>The Friendship Games turned to shit.
>Portals to another world opened up all around the school.
>You were in the bathroom at the time, so when one of those damned things opened up right underneath you, there was nobody around to help pull you out.
>For five minutes, you dangled on the edge of another dimension with your pants around your ankles.
>Eventually, the portal closed. It closed around you.
>Something...happened to you that day. Changed inside you.
>Since then...you've been able to see and hear impossible things.
>"If you hate us so much, you should just kill yourself."
>Things nobody thought were real.
"At least if I'm alive, I get to sleep for 8 hours and escape you assholes."
>You see dead people.
>"Oh don't be so dramatic."
>"You know you love us."
"I would say I wish you were dead, but that'd be inappropriate."
>One of the girls from that table walks over to you.
>"Here's your chance, Anon! You're finally losing your virginity!"
"I am not a virgin!"
>The girl stops dead in her tracks, shooting you a look of concern and confusion.
"W-wait, that wasn't directed at you. That was...um..."
>"You blew it."
"Shut the fuck up, Harry."
>She smiles nervously and walks away.
>"Looks like its the tissues for you tonight."
>"You need to work on your lady skills."
"I hate you all."

>You smash your head into your food tray, tossing up French fries that pass right through your ethereal friends.
>And you use "friends" as loosely as a hooker in an African mosh pit.
>"You should go talk to her. She seemed nice."
>"You need grand babies somehow."
>"Not everything is about sex, John."
>"It's not like we can get it up anyway."
"You people are why I'm always alone."
>"Don't go blaming is for your lack of social skills."
"I can't talk to anyone with you chatting in my ear the whole time!"
>"Did you have any friends before you met us?"
"That's not the point."
>"No, maybe he's onto something."
"My last nerve?"
>"Please, if you had nerves you wouldn't put up with us. No, maybe we've been going about this the wrong way."
>"Yeah! You think we're hurting your social life, but what if we can help?"
>You raise an eyebrow.
>"Yeah. We know lots about friends."
>"I had at least two."
>"I had a pretty big friend list on Steam when I died."
>"On what?"
>"It's some Canadian quilt making forum."
"So let me get this straight. You lot want to be my...wingmen?"
>"Winglady. Check your privilege."
>"Shut up, Clarissa. You got raped to death for a reason."
"This is fucking insane."
>You.
>Repairing your social life through the advice of ghosts.
>This has to be the most retarded thing ever.
>"Come on. You've got nothing to lose."
>"Well, except his life."
"How encouraging."
>"Oh don't be a bitch. Just go over there. We'll talk you through it."
>Well...
>Shit, its not like you have much of a reputation to ruin.
>It would be nice to have some living company for once.
>You sigh and wipe the food from your forehead.
>Defeated, you rise from your chair and make steel yourself for what comes next.
>Social interaction.

>"Now when you get there, open up with your name. Chicks love that."
"Saying me name?"
>"Yeah. It makes you seem assertive."
>You shrug and walk across the room to the table of colorful females.
>The one who approached you earlier, the orange one with the cowboy hat, sets her apple down as you near.
"Hi. I'm Anon."
>"Say your full name."
"Anonymous Incognito."
>"All of it."
"The third."
>The lass in the hat gives you another concerned look and replies after a short silence.
>>"Ah'm Applejack."
>"You got a name! That's step one!"
>"Now ask her for her number."
>"He's not going on a date, idiot. He's making friends. Tell her her eyes are pretty."
>This seems out of place, but its not like you were getting anywhere with friends even before you could see ghosts.
>Might as well...
"I...I think you have really pretty eyes."
>>"Thank you?"
>>"Oh my, I do think he has an eye for you, darling."
>Some white girl goggles next to her, bringing a blush to the cowgirl's cheeks.
>"Tell her you have a cool car."
"I don't have a car though."
>Wait, fuck! Did you say that out loud?
>>"That's mighty interestin'," she says in a tone that brings you to believe she's not really all that interested.
>"You blew it. Abort mission."
>"No, he can still salvage this. Ask her of the carpet matches the drapes."
>"Do you even know what that means?"
>"Duh. It's interior design stuff. Chicks love that shit."
"Do..."
>This feels wrong.
>"Say it, pussy."
>You swallow hard.
>Come on. What's the worst that can happen?
"Do the carpets match the drapes?"

>"I didn't know she didn't like interior design."
>"I didn't know apples could be so hard."
>"Hows the eye, Anon?"
"Fuck you."
>"Don't be a baby. It's only one black eye. Try getting hit by a bus."
"Fuck you."
>"At least I didn't die a virgin."
>"Wait, so we WERE getting him laid? Shit man, I have the best pickup line."
>Want to know the worst part?
>Not even suicide would help you now.

>"Bro go back over there. I have a line that's sure to land you some poon."
"No. I'm done taking advice from you."
>"Some poontang."
"John."
>"Poonarini."
"Stop it."
>"Your loss, man."
>"Frankly I'm disgusted you think about women like that. They're not objects for your sexual desires."
>"Really? Coming from the person used as an object of sexual desire until it broke?"
>"Simply an example of how corrupt our society is."
>The bell rings loudly, turning the chattering of your deceased compatriots into background noise.
>Praise the Lord.
>You toss your tray of untouched mystery meat into the trash and shuffle on to the next class.
>Let's see. Fourth class on Tuesday is...oh fuck, History.
>You forgot to do the reading for that.
>"Everything ok, Anon? You look like you've just seen a ghost."
>"That joke stopped being funny after the sixth time you used it."
>"And I have eternity to use it again and again."
>God would be merciful to put you in a coma.
>You make your way to History and take your rightful place closest to the window in the middle row.
>Not too close to the front to be seen, not too far in the back that the teacher picks on you.
>>"Mr. Anonymous, do you have the homework?"
>"Tell him your dog ate it."
"No, Mr. Doodle. I left it at home."
>"Faggot."

>>"This is the third time this week you haven't had the homework. If you're so determined to not be a part of class, perhaps I should simply send you to the principal's office."
"But you sent me there last week!"
>>"Raise your voice again, young man, and I'll send you every week."
>"What an asshole."
>"Respect your elders, Anon. They rule the nation for a reason."
>"I know a good bus company of you ever want to give Mr. Doodle here a ride."
"Oh my god shut up!"
>>"Mr. Anonymous!"
"Not you, you old fart!"
>The whole class goes silent.
>Even the ghosts are quiet.
>Why is everybody so...wait.
>You said that out loud again, didn't you?
>>"Anonymous," says Mr. Doodle, red in the face like a fat man finishing 26th in the Boston Marathon, "To the principal's office. I will see you after to school to discuss your behavior."
>You know, he's being surprisingly calm about this.
>Hanging your head in shame, you collect your items and leave the room.
>Celestia won't be too excited about your visit this time.
>Well, that's not to say she's ever actually excited.
>Why would a principal be excited about seeing a troublemaking student?
>"Dude you fucked it."
>"You should have kept quiet. The quiet ones last the longest."
>"I don't know why you didn't do your homework on the first place. I reminded you at least three times last night."
>"Maybe because you're not his mom?"
>"Well of you meatheads didn't spend al your time tormenting the poor boy, I wouldn't need to act like one."
>"You tried to get him to start a Powerful Women in Politics movement. Do you know how many wedgies he would have gotten?"
>"That's hardly the point."
"Hey, how high do you think I have to be to reach terminal velocity before I hit the ground?"
>"Why do you ask?"
"Just curious."

>The secretary in the office sighs as you enter.
>She gestures to the door as you pass with a fluid motion that almost breaks your back it's so heavy with condescension.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been here before."
>You give the big door three knocks and wait.
>After a minute, it creaks open to reveal Celestia at her desk.
>>"Well, Anonymous, I'm beginning to debate if I should charge you for these visits or not. I would certainly make a killing, as you say."
"Nobody says that anymore."
>>"Just sit down. I can only presume you've spoken out of turn again."
"You know me so well."
>>"Just catch up on any work you have and you can leave after this period."
>Pretty generous.
>You nod and rummage around in your backpack for anything to do.
>History...nah. Chemistry...nah. English...nah. Calculus...nah.
>Well shit.
>"You know, she is being awful nice to give you the opportunity to work instead of scolding you like you deserve. You should thank her."
>Just ignore the dead people, Anon.
>"Thank her."
>Maybe you should actually do the history.
>"Anon."
>She's not stopping.
>"She is literally right there. What, are you to privileged to talk to a strong woman like her?"
"Thank you," you say aggressively, catching the principal off guard.
>>"Excuse me?"
>Fuck.
>"Apologize for your tone and tell her she's very generous for letting you work."
>You think some kids Han out and do drugs after school. You should see of you can OD there.
"I'm sor--"
>"And do it nicely."
"I'm sorry for my tone. I was out of line just now. It really is very generous of you to let me do my work."
>"Because she's a strong woman."
"Because you're a strong woman."
>Celestia seems taken aback by your response.
>>"Well...that's alright. Just make sure it doesn't happen again."
>With that, she returns to whatever paper is on her desk.

>The rest of the hour, deeming catching up on your work to be pretty important, you sit in silence and plow through it all.
>Calculus is pretty hard, but Harry helps you out with it. He says that everything is simple algorithms and that everything leads back to the number 3.
>As for History, Clarissa tries to help you out with that.
>By help, you of course mean spent 20 minutes giving a speech about how all throughout human history, men have poisoned society by keeping the voices of women silent.
>While that has nothing to do with factories in 1800s America, you humor her by at least pretending to listen.
>John is the least productive and merely tells you all the things he would do to your middleaged principal if he still had a body.
>”I just hope she doesn’t have blue waffle.”
>”What’s that?”
>”Dude it’s sick. Anon, you don’t mind if I use your computer, right?”
>”You can’t use a computer, you fucking idiot.”
>”Oh, right. Well I’m sure some skanks in this place have to have one. C’mon, let’s go look.”
>To be honest, you appreciate John’s company the most.
>Sure he’s annoying, pigheaded, always thinks with his ethereal cock, and has had all of 4 good ideas since you met him, but he’s easy to tune out.
>He’s like a loud fan that goes on in the background. It’s distracting at first, but once you get used to the noise, you can just put up with it.
>The other 2 have a special talent for getting in your way and making their presences known.
>The ringing of the bell makes you jump, dropping your papers onto the floor.
>>”I believe that’s all the time we have today, Anonymous.”
“Shame. I was really beginning to enjoy your silence.”
>>”Would you like to spend next block with me as well?” she asks, unamused.
>”Why not? She could be a good influence.”
“No, sorry.”

>The principle sighs and sits up straight, placing her hands on the desk in front of her like teachers always do when they’re about to interrogate you.
>>”Is everything alright, Anonymous?”
“Of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be?”
>>”I know the Friendship Games were a little hectic, but that’s no justification for your downward spiral.”
“What do you mean?”
>>”You used to be so quiet. A well-behaved model student, as the teachers described you. Now you’re rowdy, you never do your work, and you’re in my office at least twice a week.”
“That’s hardly my fault.”
>>”Then whose fault is it?”
>Shit. You didn’t think that answer through.
>You can’t really blame ghosts for all your problems.
>In fact, given the nature of your own personal demons, they would probably throw you in the nuthouse.
>There’s only one option left.
>Play the angsty teen and hope they let you off on suspicion of late puberty.
>”You better not say what I think you’re about to say, young man.”
>She knows you so well.
“It’s all these teachers. They just hate me because I’m not normal.”
>>”And how are you not normal?”
“Because I don’t fit in with the establishment.”
>>”The establishment?”
>”This is a bad idea.”
“Yeah. And don’t pretend like you care. I can see through that concern on your face. You’re annoyed, aren’t you? You hate me too. Nobody cares. I’m better off alone.”
>”Anon, stop.”
>How was that?
>The principal is silent.
>Not angsty enough.
“Like Sauske.”
>”You’ve done it now.”
>Just perfect.
>She’s getting up to give you a detention slip for being so rude.
>After that, you’ll be passed off as a typical high school kid and let go.
>Why’s she getting so close to you?
>Why are her arms enveloping you?
>Is this what they call a hug?
>You don’t like it.
>Bad touch.
>>”Oh, Anonymous, I had no idea what you were going through. I promise that people do care about you.”

>”I warned you.”
>Just then, you can hear the muffled tip-tap of ghostly feet on the floor.
>”That was the worst thing I’ve ever seen.”
>”Wasn’t it though?”
>”I don’t think I’ll ever look at waffles the same way again. Or the color blue.”
>”Yeah, that was pretty WOW SHIT! Anon is scoring!”
>”No he’s not, you meathead. He’s receiving the loving attention of a woman who will surely mold him into an upstanding member of the matriarchy.”
>”No, look, her tits are like touching him. That’s practically first base. Anon, make the move.”
>”Use your charisma points.”
“That’s good to know. I’ve seen the error of my ways. You can let go now.”
>>”No. I’ve clearly failed you as an adult. I promised to be there for my students and I let you fall behind, only to be swept up in this world of darkness. I promise to do whatever I can to help you.”
“Really, that’s fine.”
>>”I’ll assign you a friendship officer.”
“A what?”
>”Is that like a hooker?”
>>”A friendship officer. I’ll just go in and change your classes so you share with them.”
“Change my classes?”
>>”They’ll teach you the magic of friendship in a way I failed to do.”
“You tried to teach me?”
>>”I promise, you’ll find the light.”
“Really, this isn’t necessary. I don’t even like Sauske.”
>Celestia lets go of you and moves over to the computer.
>After a minute of surfing, typing, and clicking, she turns back to you with a smile wider than her face, yet somehow not so jarring as to be considered anything other than motherly.
>>”All done. Your new life starts tomorrow.”
>New life.
>Great. More life is all you need.
>You once heard this guy died by getting a hive of wasps upset. They stung him to death.
>You should look into beekeeping.

>"Accept your fate. She's clearly made the best decision for you."
>"Yeah, you are kind of a loner. And when I say loner, I'm being generous."
>"You're so lonely, you make rocks look like social butterflies."
>"Adolf Hitler had more friends than you after he shot himself. Hey, did you know he was a feminist?"
>"He doesn't represent us, you testosterone-fueled scum!"
>"Dude fuck that. This bitch thinks she can just rape your schedule like that? Fight her, bro."
>"How dare you tell him to hit a woman."
>"Equal rights equal lefts, bitch."
>You hang your head in defeat.
>Nobody has ever won in an argument against Principal Celestia.
>It's better to keep what little dignity you have left and deal with it.
>>"Keep your chin up, honey. I'm sure you'll see this is for the best."
>"She doesn't even make me hard anymore."
>"You're disgusting."
>"Wait how did you get hard?"
"Yes, Principal Celestia."
>"Thank her for her time."
"Shut up."
>The principal's eyes widen at your words.
>Anon, you are one stupid motherfucker.
>Salvage the situation.
>You put on the biggest fake smile you can and wave your hands around like a girl.
>"Like a what?"
"Oh my god, shut uuuuup! Thanks for the help, Principal Celestia! I'll come by later and tell you how classes went, alright?"
>>"Oh. Well, ok. Have a good day then, Anonymous."
>It'd be an even better day if you found a sturdy rafter and some rope.
>With that, you leave.
>The secretary outside Celestia's office hands you a new copy of your schedule.
>Your last block of the day is no longer Chemistry, but Humanities.
>What kind of stupid faggot takes a Humanities course?
>Actually...there's no science on this.
>Are you still getting your science credits?
>Motherfucker if you have to retake Chemistry for that credit you're going to shoot this place up.
>"Humanities? What kind of stupid faggot takes a Humanities course?"
>That's what you said!


>You briefly debate going back to talk to Celestia about this development, but the bell for class decides to ring just then.
>Even at top speed, and the trail of nerds and books leading to class is an indicator of this, you're still late to class.
>"Dude worth it."
>Upon turning the door handle, you realize it is locked.
>God, you hate it when teachers do this.
>You're forced to knock, interrupting the students within and making you the center of attention.
>This is clearly a torture tactic.
>Some preppy purple lady opens up the door.
>Her poofy hair and flowery dress give you an awful feeling of what this class will be like.
>>"How can I help you?" she asks in a cheery voice.
>You hold up your new schedule in front of her face.
>Her resultant gasp at first has you thinking she's horrified, much like yourself, but when she yanks it out of your hand, you can see she's smiling.
>>"Oh my! Class, we have our Friendship Trainee!"
>The hell is this slut saying?
>...
>Wait, did she just narc on you?
>>"What's a Friendship Trainee?" you hear echo throughout the class.
>>"It's when the staff deems a student so terribly lonely and 'Friendship Challenged,' that they're assigned a Friendship Officer to show them how to make friends!"
>She practically yanks you into class, yapping the whole time.
>>"It says here your Friendship Officer is Sunset Shimmer. Isn't that wonderful? You can go take your seat next to her. We were just about to start discussing privilege in modern society."
>"I like this class already."
>Alright, normally you're just joking about suicide.
>As you take your seat next to a casualty of the Condiment Wars, you begin to seriously debate it.

>>"Hi there," whispers the one of orange skin. "I'm Sunset Shimmer."
"That's amazing."
>>"I've never had a Friendship Trainee before. I think we can learn a lot from each other."
"Stellar."
>>"So I guess we share all the same classes now. I can copy my notes from them for you if you want."
"Sure thing, kiddo."
>>"Wow, this is so exciting. I'm sort of new to this friendship thing too, so it might just be a learning experience for us both."
"Alrighty then."
>>"Speaking of, why did Celestia sign you up as a Trainee anyway?"
"Spectacular."
>>"What?"
"Okay, sport."
>>"Anon?"
"Very interesting."
>>"Are you even listening to me?"
"You betcha."
>>"Oh. Alright, well let me give you a quick run-down of our classes then."
"That's just swell."
>Sunrise Glimmer drones on about something or other to your right.
>To your left, a group of girls chortle as they pass secret notes around like fucking second graders.
>Up front is Cherry girl giving a speech about privilege and all that jazz.
>Behind you, the three ghostateers argue, and quite loudly, about ghost privilege, computers, and beach parties.
>Lastly, on the inside, you can feel a perfect storm brewing.
>It is the amalgamation of your crushing boredom in this class, your burning rage at your current situation, and the spaghetti you've spilled throughout the day trying to get your dick wet.
>With any luck, this weather will sink the boat that is your heart.
>Remember, kids, death is always an option.

>>"Anonymous."
>That voice was not the voice of Sunny Glee.
>You snap to attention to see Ms. Cheryl Deen in front of your desk.
>She's still wearing that wide smile she had on when you came into class.
>The wrinkles around the corners of her mouth, which seem to be the only on her whole face, reveal that she has smiled way too much for someone her age.
>She's hiding something, clearly. Nobody smiles that much because they're happy.
>She probably got covered in period blood at her high school prom and has been covering her crippling depression underneath that smile ever since.
"Yes?"
>>"Glad to see you're still paying attention. Why don't you share with the class your personal experiences with privilege?"
"With what?"
>>"You know, being a green skinned, straight, upper class male. You clearly carry a ton of privilege with you. Share your experiences with the class."
>Hol' up.
>You're going to have to process that for a minute.
>>"Anonymous?"
>Green skinned, straight, upper class male.
>>"Shall we add mute privilege to that list?"
"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in being fucking poor, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the school's pantry, and I have all of one suit to my name."
>For just a fraction of a second, you see that smile of hers waver.
>You rise out of your chair, now towering over the miniature woman.
>Sun Ray grabs your arm, but you yank it away from her.
"How dare you assume my life is so god damn easy. Just because my skin is green, just because I wear a suit, just because I have a penis between my legs. You think I'm some member of the Emeraldinati? You think I go home to my 60 bedroom mansion after every day? You think I bang three chicks before I go to bed because my male lust is just too fucking powerful?"
>>"Anonymous, no!"
"Anonymous YES! Take your privilege shit and shove it up your tight virgin ass, cherry bitch!"

>The teacher's following words are incomprehensible.
>Lost in stutters and sobs, she sounds more like a partially drowned howler monkey trying to attract a mate.
>The purple woman lowers to the ground slowly, curling up into a ball.
"And furthermore,"
>"Anon you literally have to stop right now. You're oppressing her."
>"Nah fuck that, bro! Lay it in!"
"Who the fuck are you to talk about privilege anyway? Look at you with your stable job and steady income. Pretty generous income too, I should say. Yeah, I've seen what Celestia pays you. Canterlot High has the highest paid teachers in the whole god damn state. How dare you assume I'm living la vita loca when you're the one buying gucci purses to fill the whole in your heart of glass."
>You can feel your face heat up as your words come out faster and louder.
>The muscles in your arms tense up, pulling your hands into fists.
>Your entire body shakes as you unload into the crying teacher.
>>"Anonymous, you're bullying her!"
"Don't you fucking start on bullying! This school could use a little more bullying! You're all soft and wiggly like cheese sticks or warm twizzlers! How about you face some REAL adversity for once instead of whining about your fantasy microaggressions it in your little safe space?"
>"In a what?"
>"The fuck is a safe space?"
>"That sounds retarded."
"That sounds retarded!"
>"Anon, calm down. You're literally giving these girls PTSD right now."
"No, you calm down, you floating whore! I'm tired of you always yapping about this stupid feminist shit in my ear all the fucking time!"
>"Excuse you?"
"And while we're at it, fuck you too, John! I don't want to hear about that time you plowed your cousin's girlfriend's twin! That's not even an accomplishment!"
>"You said you loved that story!"
"And Harry! I...you're ugly!"
>"Mom always said I was beautiful in my own way..."
>Out of air, all you can do now is breathe.

>The storm begins to clear.
>As the heavy winds calm and the sideways rain becomes but a mist, you regain conscious control of yourself.
>There's a crispness to the air.
>Suddenly, the entire world makes itself known to you.
>You are a cutely aware of your breathing, of your shaking fists, and your hot face.
>More than that, you can practically feel the silence in the rest of the room.
>o fuk
>"Wow Anon, way to ruin the party."
>You just verbally raped a room of liberal arts students.
>To top it off, everybody thinks--and rightfully so--that you're insane.
>"Like, I've seen some dicks before--I mean not real dicks because that'd be gay, I mean dicks like when a person is a jerk--but you take the cake."
>"I'm deleting you from my Steam."
>"I literally can't even right now. I literally can't."
>>"A-anon?"
"I can explain."
>>"Somebody call the nurse! I think she's developing PTSD!" you hear a shrill voice call out.
>You gave someone PTSD?
>Alright, you have to admit that's pretty cool.
>Suddenly, you feel a hand on your shoulder, causing you to jump away in surprise.
>You whip around to see Sunday Gathers with a look of concern painted on her face.
>>"Anon, what was all that for?"
>You're at a loss of words.
>How can you explain this? Any of this?
>Either you've just suddenly snapped and gone insane or you were insane all along and everything spilled out now.
>At least that's how the school would view it.
>Hello required therapy.
>For once, you actually look to the ghosts for help.
>As usual, they find new and innovative ways to make your life suck.
>This time it is the silent treatment.
>>"Anon?"
>You must look like the biggest freak in the world right now.
>Some suited up green dork with eyes wide at his own destruction.
>It's the end of the road, Anon.
>Game over, man.
>If you're going out...might as well go with a bang.
>Not an actual bang like a gun. You're saving that bad boy for later.

You muster up all the courage you can, and on the calmest voice you can manage, speak.
"I see dead people."
>>"What?"
"Spirits. Spectres. Ghosts. They call to me."
>Think about what you just said.
"I mean talk to me. They're not asking me to kill myself. Not that I haven't considered--"
>THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST SAID.
"Not that I would ever consider doing that. I love the rivers. I love the big blue sky. I love the oceans. I love the whole world and all its sites and sounds."
>"Wow you are just digging your own grave."
>"I've heard politicians come up with better lies."
>"Helen Keller is a better speaker than you."
>"Hey where's her ghost anyway?"
>"Probably wandering the underworld blind, deaf, and dumb, so all that look at her will know that is Helen, the fool who thought she could speak like a normal girl."
>"Dude what the fuck?"
>>"Did this start after the Friendship Games?"
"Yes, actually."
>Sunflower sighs in relief, almost falling over.
>A symphony of understanding "oh"s comes from your other classmates.
"What is this wizardry?"
>>"I thought there was something actually wrong for a minute."
"The fuck are you talking about? Something is incredibly wrong here."
>>"No, its just magic. The Friendship Games were full of it."
"Magic doesn't exist though."
>"Are you fucking kidding me?"
>>"It does, trust me. You're experiencing the side effects of exposure to it right now."

>Sunset holds out her hand to you.
>>"Come on. I think we can explain this whole mess to Principal Celestia."
>You raise an eyebrow at her gesture.
"I just probably traumatized someone. Shouldn't you be little less forgiving?"
>>"Oh, she gets like this at least once a week."
"Why?"
>>"Humanities is intense."
>Ok, ok hold on.
>You need to take everything that just happened and process the fuck out of it.
>Friendship, Humanities, privilege, yelling, PTSD, cold shoulders, and forgiveness.
>You're clearly missing something here, because in no normal world would any of this not only happen, but be considered anywhere near appropriate.
>You should be in a straight jacket right now. Instead, you're being offered a hand.
>"Hand holding is like first base bro. Take it."
>And now the peanut gallery speaks again.
>>"Anon? Is something wrong?"
"Yes, yes there is. I just...how can you be ok with what just did? Nobody should be ok with that. There's just no excuse."
>"Look at my little man learning he needs to control his man feelings. I'm so proud of you."
>>"I used to be a bully. About a year ago, I became a demon and almost took over the world. Two months later, the school was overthrown by three magical seaponies from another world. In the Friendship Games, I saw the Earth version of one of my best friends turn into a power hungry demigod that almost destroyed reality. A little burst of anger is nothing."
>Well...alright, that's cool and all, but you still deserve some kind of punishment, don't you?
>You did a bad thing.
>Getting off Scott free just seems wrong.
>This school is fucked.
>These people are fucked.
>Everything about this situation is fucked.

>"That's right, Anon. The only way for you to grow as a person is to accept punishment for your misdoings. I'm so proud of you."
>"Don't listen to that walking onahole. The life you've led up to this point has been a noble one. Your total lack of punishment is a reward for that."
>"Noble? He's not noble. He's refused my help at every turn."
>"Because you breathe down his neck like an obsessive mother."
>"I am not obsessive!"
>"Or a mother! You died before those rapists could pop one out of you!"
>"You take that back!"
>"I bet you're just forcing all of this on Anon because you never had a child of your own to indoctrinate into your sick little cult."
>"Why are you so mean to me? What did I ever do to you, you filthy male?"
>"Two words, motherfucker! Sex Robots! Do you know how close we were to that? To this breakthrough in science? Imagine it--a world where a gamer can just snap his fingers and get his dick sucked without ever having to socialize, without ever having to step outside, without ever having to spill his spaghetti! But then you and your feminist freaks had to get in the way of it!"
>"W...what?"
>"Do you know how blue balled I was?"
>"Harry, sex bots were still decades down the line by the time you died. It's literally not even an issue right now."
>"You want to know why I died? Because I read about one of your feminist rallies. I got all dressed up and went out to crash one, and the second I set foot outside, WHAMO! Nailed by that fucking bus!"
>"Are you kidding me?"
>"You killed me, you bitch! You and your cause!"
>"Where did you read about this rally?"
>"On 4chan!"
"Harry really?"
>>"Harry?"
"One of my ghosts."
>>"Oh, what are they talking about?"
"Anal sex."
>>"O-oh. How...interesting."

>"You seriously trusted that snake pit of misogyny?"
>"Why shouldn't I? They never lied to me before."
>"Harry, let me fill you in on something. I was a level 27 Arch Feminist when I died. If there were anti-sexbot rallies, I would have heard about them. I literally never caught wind of anything like that. 4chan lied to you."
>"W-what? That's impossible. I...I died for a noble cause."
>"You died going to crash an imaginary protest for home sexbots."
>"Bro that's pretty pathetic."
>Even you feel that one.
>It seems to be taking Harry a while to work this out.
>"You mean...I died for nothing?"
>"I mean, it still would have been for nothing even if the rallies were real, but yes. You technically died all for nothing."
>It's almost enough to bring a tear to your eye.
>Almost.
>Actually, nah. Let him be miserable.
>The sadder he is, the happier you are.
>Payback is a bitch, you transparent cunt.
>If only the other two were equally as miserable.
>Then you could kill yourself with a happy face instead of the tearful grimace you're sure you'll be wearing.
>>"So, shall we go see Celestia now? I'm sure you want to get this resolved as fast as possible."
"I don't know. This still seems all too simple."
>>"If it makes you feel any better, she'll probably make you do physical labor afterwards."
"Define physical labor."
>>"Well, after I tried to take over the world, I had to rebuild the front of the school all by myself. I had to buy the supplies too. After my friend almost destroyed reality, she had to make a set of stained glass windows depicting the events."
"Didn't you say there was another group of girls that tried to take over the school?"
>>"Celestia put them on a train for some summer camp. I actually haven't heard from them since."
"Are they ok?"
>>"Of course, silly. What kind of person do you think the principal is?"
>...You know, maybe getting off scott free isn't so bad.

>As Sunset leads you through the hallways, because you've never taken a walk to the principal's office before, she takes it upon herself to tell you the full story of her years as a bully.
>>"And then on my way home from school, when I was passing through the park, I would always find this one kid reading. I didn't appreciate literature back then, so I'd take a rock and throw it into the tree."
>Wow, you sympathize with that kid.
>Same thing used to happen to you a few years ago.
>School would get out and you didn't really want to go home so you would take to the park to read for an hour or two.
>It was a good system until some birds started shitting on you.
>Had to find a new tree every fucking day.
"Is that it?"
>>"Well, I was always lucky enough to get near a bird. I would laugh as this tiny white dot traveled down the tree and hit him. It was really awful."
>Eh, nadatte?
"Which park?"
>>"One of those memorial parks.
"Down by 49th?"
>>"Yeah! How'd you know?"
"Call it a hunch."
>Not to self: load gun with 2 bullets before school.
>Eventually, you arrive at the spot. She opens the door for you and allows you in.
>The office is much busier than when you left it.
>There are several teachers running around with papers falling out of their hands, a few police officers on their talkies, and a group of kids.
>6 very tall, very wide, and very injured blue kids, and a girl not much bigger than yourself.
>Must have gotten in a fight, you figure.
>"Girl power! Yeah, you show those guys!"
>"Did girl power save you from getting split open?"
>"Shut up!"
>"Like a hot dog when you leave it in the mike for too long."
>You're about to go take a seat when Sunset hollers over to you.
>You look and see her next to Celestia's open door.
>>"I told her it was urgent."
>Whatever. School is almost over anyway.
>The sooner you get this over with, the better.
>You just hope you don't have to pay for anything.
>Or go to camp.

>As you enter Celestia's office, you feel...awkward.
>Her eyes seem to bore through you.
>They strip you down even past your clothes, past your flesh, and into your soft gooey innards.
>A cold sweat starts, and you move to take a chair.
>Once again, your peaceful seat-taking is interrupted.
>>"If you're still feeling uncomfortable around adults, Anonymous, perhaps you should take a seat with me. You know, like a bonding experience."
>She pats her lap for emphasis.
>"Bro you're getting laid tonight!"
>"Dying was worth it if I get to watch some action."
>"You both disgust me."
"Actually," you say in a shaky voice, "I was just invited to the teacher barbecue. I'm fine around adults. Honest."
>>"There's a teacher barbecue? I wasn't informed of that."
"It's uh...very exclusive. Very exclusive barbecue. Only three teachers are allowed in so far."
>>"Which ones?"
>Shit. Do you even know that many teachers?
>You know their faces, just not their names.
"The...black one."
>>"Ebony black or charcoal black?"
"Charcoal."
>>"Sombra, you dog."
"And uh...the...the uh...hey, Sunset, didn't you have something to talk about?"
>>"Right!" she says cheerfully.
>>"Oh? Go ahead then."
>>"Well, Principal Celestia, Anon's behavior as of late stems from an incident occurring at the end of the Friendship Games."
>Celestia buries her head in her hands.
>>"I was hoping I'd never have to hear about that again."
>>"Yeah, I know what you mean."
>You wonder if you could slip out unnoticed.
>>"So what is it? Is he transforming into a demon too?"
>You're right here, people. Come on.
>>"Not quite. He sees dead people."
>>"What?"

"I see dead people."
>>"He sees dead people?"
>>"He sees dead people."
>"You see dead people?"
>"We are dead people, you fucking idiot."
>"Oh yeah."
>The principal looks at you with a troubled, uncomfortable glare like that of a paraplegic daughter who was just told by her father that her dreams of becoming a ballerina will never come true.
>You never meant to break anyone's dreams, let alone a paraplegic 30-year old woman.
>>"So your low grades, trouble with teachers, and erratic behavior has all been the result of speaking with the deceased?"
"Well, I'd say it's a little more complicated than that, but yes."
>>"So you're not a broken boy in need of care and attention in order to break free of the anti-social shell you've trapped yourself in?"
>What?
"Yes?"
>>"And there IS no teacher barbecue?"
"I mean there might be, but fuck if I know."
>>"So you've basically lied to me this whole time."
"I wouldn't call it lying."
>>"What would you call it then?"
"...Lying."
>Sunset pats your shoulder reassuringly.
>>"See? I told you she wouldn't be upset."
>>"Thank you for informing me of this, Ms. Shimmer."
>Did it just get cold in here?
>>"I'll take all this into account when I'm reviewing the case tonight."
>Case?
>>"Now, if you would please leave. I need to deal with a few rowdy students."
>Hold on, why does it feel like you're going to get shanked in your anus tonight?
>You exit her room and the main office.
>>"And as for you, Ms. Innominate, I'll be informing your parents of another fight," you here shouted out behind you.
>>"See? That wasn't so bad, was it?" Sunset asks when you're a safe distance from any authority figures.
"No, it wasn't bad. It was awful."
>She actually laughs.
"Hey, if you had to be shot in one place, where would it be?"
>>"Oh, Anon, you're such a kidder."
"The really funny thing is you think I'm joking."
>She's almost on her knees now she's laughing so hard.
>Maybe she'll run out of oxygen and die right there.

>As the two of you are walking, the bell for the end of school rings.
>Doors on both sides of you open up, and the hallways are soon flooded with children.
>You and Sunset collect your bags from Cherry Pie's room and head off.
>For some reason she's still following you.
>You hope she's not trying to follow you home or anything stalkery like that.
>Well, you know, it could also be because there's only one exit in the entire school, but whatever.
>>"Hey, Anon."
"Huh?"
>>"Since I'm your Friendship Officer and all, would you be interested in hanging out with my friends and I today?"
"No."
>>"Aw, come on."
"Can't. I'm busy."
>>"Doing?"
"Debating suicide."
>The girl frowns and slumps her shoulders.
>>"You don't have to make up lame excuses like that."
>You shrug and pick up the pace, separating from her.
>"You shouldn't have been so rude. That's the kind of oppressive tone that torments young women like her daily."
"Oh shut the fuck up."
>"I'm with the kid on this one. Shut up."
"I am not a kid."
>"Who's in high school, again?"
"At least I'm not a manchild who rotted away in his mom's basement until some stupid fucking imaginary cause got him shambling outside only for a random ass bus to ruin its good paint job with my cholesterol-filled blood."
>"Bruh."
>"You don't even have to say that shit."
"Yeah well you assholes don't have to fucking talk all the time but that doesn't stop you."
>"I know you love it when we talk to you."
>"How would you live without us?"
"Happily."
>The conversation continues on like this for the remaining 10 minutes it takes you to get home.
>It's nothing too grand.
>Just an old house your dad bought when he was young and stupid.
>You open the door and are immediately hit with a wall of wet yet dry air and the odor of stale pizza and old socks.
"Pops, I'm home," you shout, dropping your back onto the mangy carpet.

>You enter the living room to find your father crying, staining his wife beater with his tears.
>In one hand, he holds a bottle of beer. In the other, a beautiful revolver.
>You sit down next to him and pick up another gun that happened to be lying on the table.
>Pressing it against your temple, you lean back into the couch and sigh.
>>"How was school, sport?" your father asks in a shaky voice.
"Same old. You decide yet?"
>>"No. You?"
"No."
>>"You'll get it one day."
>"You know, there are much more productive ways you could spend your days than sitting here with your filthy, alcoholic, man spreading father. Remember that essay for Chemistry you're supposed to write?"
"I don't have Chemistry anymore, you dumb bitch."
>Right then, your father starts balling even harder.
>>"Jean! He's doin' it again! God, I wish you was still here. This boy wouldn't be talkin' to no ghosts if I had you."
"This has nothing to do with mom bailing on us."
>>"Jean! Jean, come back to me!"
>"Poor guy."
>"Serves him right, if you ask me."
>"What the hell did he do to you?"
>"Nothing. He's clearly not an ally though. Any man who's not an ally to the cause shouldn't be here."
>Here they go again.
>This is your average Tuesday afternoon.
>You know, even if you kill yourself, it's no guarantee you'll get away from them.
>Hell, you might even be stuck with them for the rest of eternity.
>Maybe god just hates you and decided to put you in that bathroom to curse you with these pests.
>You need to find a way to get on his good side.
>How did people do it in the old days?
>You could give up masturbation, you suppose.
>...
>Nah, fuck that.
>You're not much into sacrificing either.
>Maybe you could kill a few godless heathens.
>You know a whole school full of those.

"Hold this," you say, handing your gun over to your father.
>He sets down his beer, takes your gun, and presses it to the other side of his head.
>You head over to your backpack and pull out your schedule.
>Sunset's information should be on here somewhere.
>Ah ha. Email, phone, home address, P.O. box, the works.
>"Wow. That's actually really invasive and dangerous."
>"What if some horrible person decided to stalk her and murder her and her friends?"
"I'll be sure to do that."
>Pulling out your phone, you dial her cell and wait for her to pick up.
>>"Hello?"
"Sunset. It's me, Anon."
>>"Oh, hey there! How's the suicide going?"
"Still working on it. Actually, I wanted to know if you were still up for hanging out."
>>"Really?"
"Yeah. I always wanted to smoke on the stairs behind the mall."
>>"What?"
"Isn't that what teenagers do?"
>>"No, you silly. My friends and I usually just go to the mall."
"Oh. So do you want to do that?"
>>"Sure. Sounds fun."
"Cool cool. I'll be over in a few minutes."
>>"Alright. See yo--wait, how do you know where I live?"
>You hang up and collect your gun from your father.
>He fills the hand back up with a bottle right quick as you tuck the firearm into the back of your pants.
>>"What are you up to?"
"Just visiting a friend. We're going to have a blast."
>>"Be home by 11, ok?"
"Sure thing, pop."
>>"And stay away from those drugs."
"Always do."
>>"And if I'm not breathin' when you get home, you just put a blanket on me."
"Sure thing."
>>"I love you, son."
"Love you too, pops."
>With that, you're off.

>You arrive at Sunset's house in a bit.
>It's...a fairly generously sized house.
>You're not going to say filthy rich, but she's definitely in the "let me talk about middle class problems because I know what real struggle is" income range.
>Judging from the position of the sun, the north north west breeze, and the time on your watch, it took you ten minutes to get here.
>It would have been sooner, but you had to take a detour three blocks back.
>There was a cop at the end of the street and you didn't really want to explain what a seemingly schizophrenic kid was doing with a loaded gun brushing gently against his asshole.
>You knock on her door. Almost instantly, it is ripped open and reveals Sunset all gussied up and ready to go out.
>>"Hey, Anon! I'm so glad you decided to spend some time out with friends."
>"Friend is chick for 'open my legs after dinner' bro."
>"Or maybe she just wants to show Anon the light of female companionship."
>"Nah, she wants the D."
>"Or maybe--"
>"Anon."
>"Don't interrupt me."
>"Give her the D."
"Friends. Right. Well, shall we get going?"
>>"Sure thing. Let me just grab my keys and we can go."
>She disappears for a second, and after a bit of shuffling, comes back to you with keys in hand.
>You're escorted to the back of her house where a driveway armed with a two very expensive looking cars sit.

>>"What are you feeling like today?"
"Unstable."
>>"So BMW?"
"Sure."
>Motherfucking Sunset gets to choose between BMW and a Cobra and you get to wear the same worn out sneakers on your half hour walk to school every fucking day.
>God totally hates you.
>Just chill, God. You're about to get a sacrifice.
>You climb into the vehicle, and faster than you can say where did you come from where did you go where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe, you're speeding down the road.
"You might want to slow down. There's a cop three blocks down."
>>"Oh, thanks."
>Shit, man. You're jot trying to get wrapped around a tree.
>If you're dying, it's by your own hand.
>And of she's dying, it will also he by your hand.
>No tree shall steal your glory.
>"Women drivers."
>"Hey, I've seen a lot of great female drivers."
>"Let me guess. Online?"
>"No!"
>"Harry."
>"Yes..."
>"Well I don't know what you two are talking about. I'm a great driver."
>"How many tickets did you have before you died?"
>"Tickets are such an outdated way of judging one's driving ability."
>"So like 10?"
>"I don't have to answer you."
>"20?"
>"We're done here."
>"Damn girl."
>You could just grab the wheel and pull it right now.
>Lots of trees nearby but its technically your win.
>Would god forgive you for that?
>Do car crashers go to heaven?
>>"So what made you want to hang out today?"
>You know babies go to heaven. Maybe you can lie about your age.
>>"Anon?"
>Hell would probably just be more of this.
>>"Earth to Anon?"
"No, Hell."
>>"What?"
"Oh, nothing. What did you want?"

>>"I was wondering why you wanted to hang out."
>Because you wanted to murder her?
>Because you're looking for redemption in some sick way?
>"Are we going the happy route or the romance route?"
>Would killing her make you happy?
"Happy route."
>>"What?"
>"Alright. Tell her you thought getting to know her would he more fun than writing an essay."
"I thought getting to know you would be more fun than writing an essay."
>>"Aw. You're too sweet."
>"Wait, I mixed up my menus. That was romance."
"You fucking idiot!"
>The car swerves in tandem with your voice.
>>"What the hell, Anon?"
"I-I mean..."
>"You fucked it now. Revert to save!"
>"No going back! Grab her tits!"
>"Thank her for spending her valuable time with you!"
"I mean...yeah, like how friends call each other 'bitch' or 'nigger'."
>>"I've never heard that before."
"Or kike. Not that you are a kike. I mean you're pretty rich, but like not kike rich."
>"I have no body, yet this physically hurt me to hear."
>>"Are the ghost making you say this?"
"Yes."
>>"Well you tell them to cut it out. I don't like talk like that and I certainly won't have it in my car."
"You hear that? You guys keep it down!"
>"That's dirty."
>"I thought we were bros."

>>"Are they usually like this?"
"Annoying?"
>>"Well, yes, but I meant so vapidly racist and intrusive. I mean, if I didn't know about your little 'problem', I'd be incredibly offended."
>Did just just call this your "problem"?
>It is, but, like, she's not allowed to call it that.
>>"Speaking of, who are they?"
"Who?"
>>"Yeah. What are their names? Who did they used to be? Do they ever talk to you about that stuff?"
>"Did I ever tell you about that time I downed 3 kegs and banged my cousin's girlfriend's twin? Total score bro."
"Oh, sometimes."
>>"What's it like?"
"Do they teach you about disabilities in your Humanities class?"
>>"All the time."
"Ever learn about schizophrenia?"
>>"Briefly."
"Well, it's basically some jacked up shit. You hear voices and it gets harder and harder to distinguish reality from your own person nightmare."
>>"What do your voices say?"
"Burn the children. Gas the kikes. Kill yourself. Typical things."
>>"Oh my gosh, that's awful."
"You don't know the half of it."
>She puts her hand gently on your shoulder, caressing it.
>Her eyes pull from the road and gaze deep into yours.
>>"I just want you to know I'm here for you. If it ever gets to be too much, this personal battle with those terrible specters, you can talk to me."
>The connection between you two is real. You can feel it.
>It's like her very soul has crawled out of her eyes and into you.
>The way the light dances in her eyes is mesmerizing.
>A loud, droning beeping sound vibrates in your ears as if your heart was caught in your throat.
>Your face begins to feel hot.
>Your knees are weak.
>Your arms are heavy.
>There's about to be vomit on your nice jacket.
>Sure ain't spaghetti.
>Is this what those crazy kids call love?
>Hey, wait just a minute. You've felt all this before when you went tubing with your dad and got caught on a branch overlooking some big waterfall.
>This isn't love. This is fear.

>Why are you afraid?
>Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the light in her eyes isn't her soul, but headlights.
>And that long droning beep, it isn't that of your heart. Hearts don't beep. That's a car horn!
>You whip your head around, and with crystal clear vision, determine that is a very large truck heading straight for you.
"Sunset, the lane!"
>You grab the steering wheel and jerk it towards you, pulling the car back into its proper place on the road.
>>"Oh jeez, good catch!"
"Keep your fucking eyes on the road! You almost killed us!"
>>"My bad. I'll own up to that one."
>Christ on a crutch who the fuck is driving this thing?
>Some retarded, half dead chimpanzee?
>"Watch your language, young man. She's probably just as scared as you are."
>"Bruh."
>Harry puts his ethereal hand on your other shoulder, sending a shiver down your body.
>"I know exactly how you feel."
>All your experiences with reassuring body contact thus far have all ended spectacularly horribly, so you pull away from him.
>You're going to have to become a hermit or something.
>>"Looks like we're here anyway."
>Fuck you.
>No, actually, legitimately fuck you.
>Sunset pulls into some parking space 20 fucking miles away from the mall and shuts her car off.
>>"Now we just go inside and walk around for a few hours."
>You couldn't come up with a less entertaining activity if you tried.
>This is what teens do these days?
>You wonder if there's some junkies in the back of the parking lot you could score some lorazepam off of.
>>"Shall we?"
>Kill yourself.
"Can't wait."
>You two climb out of the car and get on your way.

>"I've never been inside a mall before."
>"I scored some of my best poonarini in malls."
>"Was it good?"
>"Nah, not really. Actually one bitch stole my wallet."
>"That sucks."
>"I felt used."
>>"So what kind of stores do you like to visit? I'm a fan of the fashion wing."
>"You know, that feeling of 'being used' is what millions of women across the nation feel like after being raped."
>>"Oh my gosh, you have to come see this one store."
>"Bitch only thousands get raped."
>>"It's like my favorite in the whole mall. You'd love it."
>"One in four college girls get raped, shitlord."
>If ever there was a time to pray for the sweet release of death, it would be now.
>You would totally forgive god for the last few months if he just struck you with lightning.
>Or maybe dropped a tree on you.
>Is there a river nearby? Can you drown yourself?
>How would that even work?
>Maybe if you kill Sunset, you can use her body as some sort of weight to pull you down.
>No, wait, the dead float.
>Okay, so you drag her in with you alive.
>She can't weigh more than 130 lbs. You could definitely overpower her.
>>"Anon?" Sunset's voice, weak and trembling, cuts through your thoughts.
>Shit, can she read minds?
>She's onto you.
>You're totally not going to drown Sunset. That was just a joke.
>>"Anon!"
>The woman clings to your arm like an ant when it starts crawling on that sticky part of the picnic blanket and you want to pull it off but it bites down and just won't fucking move.
"What, woman? Can't you see I'm busy?"
>>"Look," she shouts, pointing off in some direction.
>You follow her finger and spot a very large, dark blue man with his pants about three inches past what would be considered acceptable in the work place.
>>"Ey mang, pass the bitch and yo cash."
>Hol' up.
>Are you getting mugged?
>In the parking lot of the fucking Canterlot Mall?

>>"Nigga I saaaaaid pass yo bitch and yo cash."
>Is this real life?
>>"Don't let him take me, Anon!"
>>"Bitch is dis nigga deaf o' some shit?"
>The man pulls a knife out of his pocket and takes a few steps forward.
>You squint and look up to the sky.
>God, really?
>You send a fucking mugger down to earth?
>Of all the things. Of all the plagues, natural disasters, and thousands of other shitty killy things, you send a fucking mugger?
>Something slips off your arm, but you're too busy cursing god to care.
>God is an asshole.
>You hear that, you all powerful piece of shit?
>Alpha and omega more like alpha and go fuck yourself.
>>"Anon! Anon, help!"
>"Uh, bro? You gonna do something?"
>Jesus died like a bitch.
>Eh? How do you like that?
>Your son pissed blood as a bunch of jews hammered him to a cross.
>"Anon?"
>"Holy shit! No, I literally can't even watch this! Anon, you have to do something!"
>Can everybody shut the fuck up? You're in the middle of something.
>Let's see. Died like a bitch...pissed blood...
>Did you already use alpha and omega?
>>"Ain't no point in callin' out, bitch. He fuckin' dead in the head o' some shit."
>>"Anon! Oh god, please!"
>>"Yo, bois, get yo asses ova' here! I got's a good one!"
>>"Sheit fo' real?"
>"This is kind of hot."
"Holy shit will everyone shut the fuck up?"
>In the span of a few seconds, you rip the gun out of your pants, take aim at the blue man, and pump four rounds into his chest.
"Fuck it's not like I'm trying to curse god or anything."

>>"Craig's a dead nigga!"
>>"Dis nigga crazy!"
>>"Erry'body run!"
>You march up the scene of the crime, where a declothed Sunset lays underneath a lifeless rapist.
>With your foot, you nudge him off of her and roll him onto his back.
>Sunset grabs her items and scampers a few feet away.
"Can't I get just a little fucking privacy? Huh? Is that too much to ask?"
>One shot goes into his head.
"Like what the fuck is your problem?"
>You pull the trigger a few more times, making a sort of smiley face on him.
>You could have sworn you heard some other voices.
>You look up and find two other people of red and olive persuasion running as fast as they can.
>You have two bullets left. Can you make it?
>Only one way to find out.
>Pointing your gun towards them, you aim as carefully as you can.
>Steady...steady...fire.
>Shit. Missed that one.
>Anon you fuck.
>Come on. For real this time. Aim...and...fire!
>Ah ha!
>The red one falls down, but it doesn't look like he's dead.
>He does manage to get up and limp away, so you're assuming you got him in the leg or something.
>Whatever. Still counts.
>You sigh and put the gun into the back of your pants again.
>Turning around, you see Sunset frantically trying to clothe herself.
>Her panties are torn, but it doesn't look like there's any real damage to the rest of her.
>"Anon, you're a true hero."
>Eventually, Sunset is all gussied up.
>Without any warning, she lunges for you and and pulls you into a hug even tighter than the one Celestia gave you.
>Bad touch. Bad touch.
>You're about to pull away, but you can feel something on your neck.
>It's wet, but not the uncomfortable kind of wet like when your friends dump water on you.
>It's kind of warm and tingly.
>>"A-anon thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much."
>What is this wizardry?
>>"I-I don't know what would have happened if you weren't...i-if you didn't...oh, god, thank you, Anon!"
>What? All you did was kill a man.
>...
>Aw fuck! Those bullets were for you!

>You push the crying woman off yourself and whip out your gun.
>Placing it to your temple, you pull the trigger and hear nothing but a click.
>Click, click, click, click.
"Fuck!"
>In a fit, you throw the gun down on the ground and stomp on it.
>Slippery little bugger comes right out from under your foot.
>You topple over and land hard on your ass.
>Luckily there's no loaded gun there anymore, so your anal cherry is safe.
>For now.
>"Wow, good thing that was empty, huh?"
>"Yeah, you could have killed yourself."
>"That would have been awful."
>"Instead of an hero, Anon, you became A hero."
"I hate all of you."
>Sunset bends over and gently runs her hand across your head.
>>"It's ok, Anon. I'm here for you."
"I tried to drown you."
>>"I know its just the ghosts making you say that. You don't have to worry around me, though."
"No, seriously. I've been trying to murder you for the last several hours."
>>"Oh, you poor thing."
>Is this real life?

>Do muggers count as godless heathens?
>Are you chill with god now?
>As if to answer your question, the heavens split open and rain literal rain down upon you.
>There's even some lightning, which you're 100% sure struck someone, a few miles away, as if to taunt you.
>Of course. You had to get the one mugger that goes to church.
>Went to church.
>He's dead.
"Hey, Sunset, what do you think the legal ramifications of murder are?"
>>"I think they're pretty bad."
"What about a double homicide?"
>>"Can't be much worse than murder, I'd say."
"Do you go to church?"
>>"No, I don't follow Earth religions. Why do you ask?"
"No reason."
>You slap Sunset's hand away and stand up, grabbing your gun along the way.
>As you stuff it into your now drenched pants, Sunset puts her soon to be shrunken leather jacket on.
"You seem to have bounced back pretty fast from all that."
>>"It was just almost rape."
"And that's good?"
>>"Well would you rather be killed or almost killed?"
"Killed."
>>"'Almost' is almost always better than the real deal. I've been through some bad stuff. I've done even worse. Being raped...that isn't something I think I could come back from. If it's just 'almost rape' though, I'll be fine."
"You're crazy. You're actually seriously crazy. That really means something if I'm the one saying it."
>She shrugs and pats around on the pavement like some stupid Zebrican doing a rain dance or something equally retarded.
>Eventually, you hear the distinct jingle of keys, and she stands up.
>>"I'm sorry, Anon, but I don't think I'm up for the mall today."
"So you're going to drove home?"
>>"Well, yeah."
>If she's that bad of a driver on a sunny day, she must be spectacularly awful in the rain.
>Can somebody say crash city?
"Mind if I join you?"
>>"Well I do have to get you home somehow, don't I?"
>You nod, and the both of you head back to her BMW.
>"So you're just going to leave that there?"
>"Anon?"

>"Yo, bro, you just killed someone. You ain't gonna clean that up?"
>"What of it gets smelly?"
>"That's fucked."
>"Serves him right if you ask me. Anon, I commend you on your efforts today. One more rapist off the street."
>You're actually a little excited as you get into Sunset's car.
>If she makes the same mistake of looking at you as she did earlier, it's bye bye world for you.
>>"Hey, Anon," she says, interrupting your fantasy.
"Huh?"
>>"Don't worry."
"About?"
>>"About back there. I used to be a pretty bad person, so...I know what its like being in a bad place like this."
>Is she still talking about murder?
>You forgot about that like 5 minutes ago.
>>"I'm not going to tattle on you. Your secret is safe with me."
>Well, the dead are the best keepers of secrets.
"Thanks. That means a lot."
>Just humor her. You're both about to die anyway.
>She smile and starts up the car.
>The engine roars to life.
>You survey the area. There's so many great places to crash.
>There's a guardrail over there. Oh, oh! A ditch right behind you!
>She puts the car in reverse, her foot on the pedal, and...and!
>And pulls out slowly.
"What are you doing?"
>>"Driving. Duh."
"But...safely?"
>>"I always drove carefully in the rain. It's really dangerous to speed when you can't see, Anon."
>You've made a terrible mistake.

>The drive home is painfully long and painfully uneventful.
>So painful in fact, that at a few points, you were sure you had actually died.
>>"And then I broke up with him."
"Riveting."
>>"Well, that's pretty much my story. What about you? Ever used to be a bully?"
"I'm so interested."
>>"Well, it wasn't THAT good of a story. It was nice to share though."
"I'm still listening."
>>"You know, apart from almost getting raped, this was a pretty good day. You're such a good listener, Anon."
"Yeah, keep going."
>You die a little more inside every time she slowly passes by some hefty looking tree or a feel ditch with water flowing into it.
>Actually, come to think of it, there's a lot of ditches in this area. What's up with that?
>>"Anon?"
>Fuck, is this bitch still talking?
>Maybe you should tune in now.
>>"I'm really glad I met you."
>Clearly you've missed something important.
>"Well? Answer her."
"Thank you?"
>Hey...wait a minute, this is almost like that romance route Harry was going on about before. With the menus and shit!
>Maybe if you play your cards right, you can get her to look away from the road!
>Say something romantic.
"I think you have really pretty..."
>Pretty what? She's fucking ugly as sin.
>>"Anon?"
>Remember your training, Anon. The ghosts prepared you for this.
>What did Harry try to get you to say with the cowgirl?
"You have really pretty eyes."
>NAILED IT.
>TIME TO CRASH.
>>"Aw, thank you."
"Now look at me."
>She giggles.
>>"I'm glad you like them, but I'm busy driving right now. I can't loom at you."
>WHAT?
>MOTHER FUCKER LITERALLY ONE HOUR AGO.
>ONE FUCKING HOUR AGO.
>LANE.
>TRUCK.
>LOOKING AWAY FROM ROAD.
>>"I'll look at you plenty when we park though."
>Fuck this. You can kill yourself faster with a dull razor and a ball of twine.
"Just take me home."
>>"O-oh. Ok..."

>It's looking pretty bad out right now.
>Now, it'd normally be dark out by now considering it's 8 o'clock, but this is some advanced darkness.
>It's blacker than gangrene out there.
>It's ten times darker than medium grey.
>That's pretty fucking black.
>The only light that you can see comes from street lamps, of which your street has many, and the headlights on Sunset's car.
>All the houses are equally dead. From the ferocity of this storm, you reckon the power is out.
>Boy, what you'd give to be tied to the tippy top of the tallest tree right now.
>This is all Sunset's fault. You're not quite sure how, but you know it is.
>Even the shit that you did yourself.
>All her.
>Fucking cunt.
>"You know, I once heard a song about rain."
"Shut the fuck up."
>>"I didn't say anything."
"Not you."
>>"Oh, ok."
"Well, you too, but you're not who I meant."
>"How did it go?"
>"Say goodbye to the rain of the past! We don't have to be wet anymooore!"
>"Hey, I know that one!"
>"Rain is an open doooor!"
>"Rain is an open dooo-ooo-ooor!"
"That's not the fucking song!"
>"Wow. Who shit on your coco puffs?"
>"That was me."
>"You can't shit, dumbass."
>"Well what did I do to his coco puffs then?"
>You're not crying.
>You're totally not crying.
>Just roll down the window...
>Wow, your face sure is wet from all this rain. And only this rain.

>>"Jeez, roll up the window. You're going to get the leather all wet."
"Sorry, I can't hear you over all this rain."
>Yeah, you sure stuck it to her.
>As you lean against the door, about to stick your head out the window, you feel something smack into your chin.
>Jerking back, you spot the glass slowly resurfacing.
>You glare angrily at Sunset who currently has her finger on the master controls.
>On her face is the biggest, smuggest shit-eating grin you've ever had the displeasure of seeing.
>If some mad scientist took all the best smug anime girls he could find, threw them in a blender with some Chemical X, and put it on puree, his creation would pale in comparison to her.
>Smug bitch.
>You pull your elbow back and slam it into the window with all the force you can muster.
>The glass shatters. Huge shards fall into your lap and even more onto the river of a road outside.
>>"Anon!"
"What was that? I couldn't hear you over all the rain inside the car. You should really roll the window up."
>>"Y-you!"
"Seats might get wet."
>"Bro! You don't trash a car like that! The hell is wrong with you? Aw shit man, the leather!"
>"You shitlord! How dare you mess up this poor girl's car! And to think I was so proud of you earlier."
>"Fuck the girl! Think about this poor car!"
>"I bet you'd like to fuck the girl, wouldn't you?"
>"I mean, yeah, but what's that have to do with anything?"
>"You men are all the same."
>"There are no men like me."
>"Shut up, Harry. You're not involved."
>"Yes, ma'am."
"You're such a fucking beta."
>>"What's up with you right now?" Sunset asks angrily.
"Not you, the ghosts."
>>"No, fuck the ghosts. What is up with your attitude right now? I am totally not digging the new you."
"New me? NEW me? You didn't even fucking KNOW me until I got stuffed into your stupid fucking Humanities class!"
>"Hey, I may be a beta, but at least I'm not IN beta."
"Shut up, Harry. You're not involved."
>"Yes sir."

>>"Is Harry one of your ghosts? Do you like him better than me or something? Are you being such a massive dick to prove something to him?"
"No, I like you both the same. That is to say, not at all."
>>"After everything I've done for you?"
"And just what have you done for me? Huh? You've done literally nothing for me in the entire eight hours I've known you."
>>"Yeah, well--"
"Oh wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. I DO know you! YOU used to throw rocks and get me shit on!"
>>"That was you?"
>That was you?
>Of course that was fucking you!
>How many fair green-skinned boys in tailored suits does she know?
"They shit on me every day! Every fucking day! Do you know how many shirts I had to throw away?"
>>"I was different back then!"
>"Can everybody be quiet? My favorite song is playing."
>"You like Huey Lewis and the News?"
"I had to throw away the book my mother gave me for my 10th birthday! The last one I had before she left!"
>You can feel something welling up inside of you.
>It's hot, but not nice hot like an erection. It's sort of uncomfortable and it hurts your chest.
>It reminds you of your outburst in class today, except this is more...
>The best word you can use to describe it is "explosive".
>>"And that's my fault your mother left?"
"No, but I'm sure as fuck going to blame you for it!"
>"Anon, bro, chill."
>"Yeah, you're starting to scare me."
>>"Do you know how retarded that sounds?"
"Do you know how retarded you sound?"
>>"What?"
>Time to cash in on all those theater lessons.
>Your impersonation game is on point.
"Hurr de durr, I'm Sunset Shimmer! Look at how rich I am!"
>>"That...I don't sound anything like that."
"You know what, I really want to be a tumor today! Hey, Anon, you having fun? Here! Have some fucking cancer!"
>>"I am not cancer!"
"You're right. Cancer is better!"

>"We're getting to the best part."
>"Hey wait, I know this song too. The song's so catchy though so I don't really listen to the lyrics."
>"Well you should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity and the importance of trends. It's also a personal statement about the band itself."
>"Dude that's gay."
>"No homo?"
>"Oh alright, cool."
"Hey, Sunset!"
>You lunge for her and grab hold of the wheel.
>She struggles and slaps you.
>That really stings.
>As if that weren't enough, she gets her salon-style nails in there and really starts scratching you.
"Ow, stop that!"
>>"You stop!"
"You first!"
>Wait, you have something for this. Right near your crotch. It's long and hard and can penetrate right through her defenses.
>You grab one of the shards of glass on your lap and stab it into to her hand.
>She screams and reels back in her seat, letting go of the wheel.
>This is your chance.
>You grab the thing once more, and with all your might, turn that motherfucker.
>The car swerves.
>It almost tips, but god doesn't love you enough for that, so it kind of just skids along the road for a bit.
>Sunset starts struggling again, trying to regain control of the vehicle.
>You guys are all over the place now.
>"Yeah! Get her!"
>"Punch her in the eye!"
>"You go, girl! Put him in his place!"
>"Clarissa, what the fuck?"
>"What? You have to play for the home team."
>"Home team?"
>This must look like the saddest drunk driver in the world from the outside.
>"Wait, are you a lesbian?"
>>"Let go!"
"You let go!"
>>"No, we're not doing this again!"
>"You didn't know?"
>"No, not really."
>"I thought it was kind of obvious."
>Sunset rips the glass shard out of her hand and goes nuts.
>Her arms flail like those of a retarded chimp that got peas mixed in with its mashed potatoes.
>It cuts against your flesh, sending waves of pain throughout your arms and chest.
>Bitch chill.

>You know, there actually is something funny in this whole messed up situation.
>Literally all she has to do is hit the brakes.
>If the lit dashboard is to be trusted, she has her foot firmly planted on the gas pedal.
>Women drivers, everybody.
"Stop stabbing me!"
>>"No!"
"Bitch don't make me say it again!"
>"I thought the hair was a dead giveaway."
>"I mean yeah, but, like, I didn't want to say anything."
>"Afraid you would offend me?"
"Shut up back there!"
>>"You're so fucking crazy!"
>Alright, where is this god damn seat belt?
>You pull away from her to try and undo it, but that doesn't really work.
>She's on you like white on rice.
>Or...orange on an orange.
>Or a crazy woman on a psychotic serial murderer.
>One of those things.
>Your back is against the door now and you're really trying to undo this seat belt.
>Rain slaps against the back of your head from the open window.
"Fuck off!"
>Almost...
>Oh, she actually helps you out.
>Sunset decides right then to stop being a cunt and cuts the seat belt for you.
>Perfect, now you can really lay into her.
>Just have to adjust your seat and fall out the window.
>What was that last part?
>You, the wet little man you are, slip right out of the car and fall onto the pavement with what you imagine would be a thump if you could hear anything other then the oppressive rain all around you.
>You roll along the ground for a bit, acquiring all manners of scrapes and abrasions along the way.
>That really hurts.
>All of you hurts.
>You'd scream, and in fact try to, but all that escapes your lips is a throaty groan.
>Let's just lay in the rain for a little bit.
>Yeah, that's a good idea.
>"Anon?"
>Just...sit in the rain.
>Let everything wash away in the bright light of night time.
>"You might want to get up."
>Oh, is it morning already?
>Time for another day of school.
>"Bro!"
>"Oh god, it's the truck all over again!"
>Hey, that's not the sun. You recognize those headlights.

>John jumps in front of you, arms raised.
>"I got you, bro!"
>No, John, you'll be hit.
>Why is he doing this? Why is he helping you?
>"I'm here for you too, Anon!"
>Harry gets in the way too.
>"We're not leaving you behind!"
>Why are they defending you? After all the awful things you said to them.
>After all the times you wished they were dead.
>Well, more dead than the usual dead.
>Could it be...
>"You know you're both intangible, right?"
>Oh yeah. They're morons.
>Welp, better hightail it out of here.
>Can you move your arms?
>Er, does gentle flapping qualify as movement?
>How about you, legs?
>Ayyy, knew you could count on those.
>Your beautiful lower extremities respond to your emergency call and begin to move.
>"I told you squats would come in handy one day."
>Get up! Get up!
>No way you're dying. Not like this.
>You've contemplated suicide every day for a while now.
>You've prayed to god to send down meteors to strike you.
>Not once did you ever plan on being murdered.
>No, that's the one way you will not go.
>You'll be bitten by snakes.
>You'll be crushed by trees.
>You'll even visit Zebrica and walk 15 miles every day for water that will only make you shit yourself to death.
>Laying down so some high school bitch to murder you is one thing you will not do!
>Now get out of there, and--oh, looks like you've been distracted with your inner speech this whole time.
>Hello, Sunset.
>What beautiful night.
>Your legs come out from under you as the grill slams into them.
>It's sort of cartoonish actually.
>You sort of slide over the top of the car and slam into the windshield.
>It shatters against your back, but the impact is not so forceful enough to break through it.
>Instead, you're thrown over the top of the car as it drives away.
>It feels...sort of like you're flying.
>It's nice, actually.
>You like this feeling.
>You're free.
>Free to fly anywhere you want. Free to go somewhere--somewhere fun, somewhere bright.
>Including the pavement.

>That time you heard a thud.
>Every time you blink, more and more of your world disappears.
>Chunks of it break away and fall into darkness.
>The last thing you see is Sunset Shimmer's taillights as she speeds down the road.
>Welp, guess she won.
>Oh well. You had a good run.
>Time to close your eyes for good.
>Wait, what was that? That sound just now?
>That loud horn? Those screeching tires? That crunching metal?
>"Women drivers, everybody."
>HA! YOU WIN!
>EAT SHIT, YOU GODLESS HEATHEN!
>Now you can die happy.
>In the next blink, the world seems to be back to normal.
>Hell, better than normal.
>You don't feel any pain.
>For that matter, you can't even feel the rain slapping against your supple, easily-bruised skin.
>What is this wizardry?
>"Welcome to the land of the dead," you hear a familiar voice say.
"Oh no."
>You know that voice.
>You know it better than you know the back of your own hand.
>You know your hand pretty damn well considering you would focus on it a lot to try and drown out the constant chatting of your personal demons.
"Please no."
>"Anon! You stupid sack of shit! Look what you did to that poor girl!"
"Anything but this."
>"Mi casa es su casa. Since we're dead, everywhere is mi casa."
"God, you prick! I thought we had a deal!"
>Suddenly, something vibrates through you.
>It shakes you to your very core.
>It makes itself known in every fiber of your non-existent being.
>>"My son died like a bitch, eh?"
"What?!"
>"Is that Big G?"
>"What up, bro? Love your work! This whole universe thing rocks!"
>"Why did you invent males?"
"Are you shitting me?"
>>"Choose your words more carefully next time."
"You asshole! Get out here so I can show you what for!"
>"Anon, isn't this great?"
>"Now we get to spend all of eternity together."
>"I can show you all my privilege books."
"God! God, show yourself! You fucker!"
>This is your life now.
>Er, unlife.
>Want to know the worst part?
>Not even suicide can help you now.