father figure eng

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INDOXXI
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Subtitles by explosiveskull

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(EXHALES)

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Well, good news.

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I found your car keys.

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(CHUCKLES)
That's where I left them.

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You know, you have the
prostate of an 18-year-old.

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Nice! I'd rather have
his dick,

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but you get what you get.

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Next time,
buy me dinner first.

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(ALL LAUGHING)

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That's a good one.

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I like that joke.

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I hadn't heard that before.

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ETHAN: Come on.
Why do I have to go?

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KATHERINE: Because

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it's his weekend
and you're not missing

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your grandmother's wedding.

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ETHAN: It's no fun there.

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Last time he made me watch

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an entire Super Bowl
from 1979.

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Who watches a 30-year-old
football game?

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He's always angry
or pissed off...

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KATHERINE: Don't say that
about your father.

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ETHAN: It's not my fault
he's an asshole.

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KATHERINE: We're not
having this discussion.

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Go get your bag.

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(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

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(DOOR SLAMS)

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TERRY BRADSHAW: (ON TV)
Pick Enterprise.

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We'll pick you up.

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MALE NARRATOR:
In New York City,

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the dedicated detectives
who investigate

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these vicious felonies
are members of

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an elite squad known as
the Special Victims Unit.

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These are their stories.

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- (DRAMATIC BANG ON TV)
- (MOUTHING)

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(BOTH LAUGHING)

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PETER: Hello.

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HELEN: Ah, there you are.

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Hello.

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- Hey, Peter.
- Sweetheart.

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Mom, you look radiant.

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- Thank you.
- Hi, Sheila.

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These are for Mom's bunions.

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If you want her
on her feet in two hours,

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you'll make sure
she wears those.

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HELEN: Thank you, darling.
That was sweet.

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You know, Peter,

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if ever you start questioning
your sexuality,

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I'd love to introduce you
to my son, Jason.

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- He's got a tight little butt.
- HELEN: Ooh.

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I'll be downstairs
if you need me.

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- Thank you, Sheila.
- HELEN: Wow.

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- Good to know.
- (DOOR CLOSES)

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Good for Jason.

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(CHUCKLING) Where's Ethan?

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Uh, he's here somewhere.
Happy as a clam.

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Oh, don't be discouraged.

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You're a great dad.

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Just love him

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and be there for him.

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And maybe loosen up a little.

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I'm loose.

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I mean...

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I'm loose, whatevs.

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Have you seen
your brother yet?

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Hmm? Oh, you invited him?

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(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

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Life is so crazy, man.

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One minute, you're napping
in Maui, unemployed,

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uneducated,
30 bucks to your name,

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the next minute, some guy's
walking up to you,

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asking if he can
put your picture

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on a barbeque sauce bottle.

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And the next minute

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they're giving you three cents
for every bottle they sell.

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And the next minute

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they're selling 30 million
of these bad boys.

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BOTH: And then
the next minute...

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You're wearing
a white leather jacket

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and white high-tops
to your mom's wedding.

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Pete! (CHUCKLING)

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(PETER GRUNTING)

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It is so good to see you.

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I haven't seen this guy
in two years.

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Four. Actually.

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- Has it been that long?
- Mmm-hmm.

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Shut the front door.
Are you messing with me?

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He loves messing with me.

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- Are you messing with me?
- I'm not.

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God, you got to
come over to Hawaii.

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When are you gonna visit?

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- Yeah...
- Hey, Kaylani! Come here!

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I want you to meet someone
really special to me.

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Someone I've been
sleeping with exclusively

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for the past six months.

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Wow, six whole months?

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That's what I'm saying.

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It's really special.

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Aloha, Peter.

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Hi.

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Oh, okay.

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(KAYLANI INHALES DEEPLY)

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(KYLE INHALES DEEPLY)

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I can feel
your brother inside you.

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I am inside you.

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You are?

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- Yeah.
- Hmm.

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We're twins.

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That's called a Honi.

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That is a sacred
Hawaiian greeting

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that you just got.

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Yeah.

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Is that right?

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So,

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how psyched are you for Mom
finding true love again?

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It's awesome.

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God, I just wish Dad could've
been here to see this.

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- (SIGHS)
- ETHAN: Yo, Uncle Kyle!

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Yeah?

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You got to see this.

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What's your boy's name?

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It's Ethan.

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You gotta meet Ethan.
He is the best kid. Come on!

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OFFICIANT:
Do you take this man

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to be your lawfully
wedded husband?

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Do you take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife?

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I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

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MAN: Beautiful!

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OFFICIANT:
You may kiss the bride.

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(GUESTS CHEERING)

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(GLASSES CLINKING)

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KYLE: Clink, clink, clink!

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It's so nice to be here today.

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There's a saying
in Hawaii that goes

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a little something
like this...

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(SPEAKING HAWAIIAN)

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That translates
very simply as,

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"Life is alive once more
inside of me

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"from my love of you."

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And, Gene,

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my mother's life
is so alive right now

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with you inside her.

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- So, I want to raise a toast.
- Hey now.

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- (GUESTS LAUGHING)
- To mean Gene

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and the greatest mom on Earth.

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Cheers!
Hey, l'chaim, everybody!

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HELEN: Thank you, darling.

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KYLE: Cheers!

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- That went good.
- (INAUDIBLE)

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What?

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What?

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Yes.

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- No way!
- I'm serious.

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Oh, wait, wait, wait.
One more thing to say.

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Wait, everybody hold on.

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Forget about that 70-inch TV
we gave you

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because we've got
another wedding gift.

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You're finally gonna
be a grandmother!

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- (GASPS) Oh!
- Yeah.

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Yes!

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I mean, a grandmother again!

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I'm sorry, Pete.

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(GUESTS CHEERING)

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KYLE: My life is so perfect!

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MALE NARRATOR: (ON TV)
...an elite squad

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known as
the Special Victims Unit.

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These are their stories.

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(DRAMATIC BANG)

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I told you, Detective,
I can press charges.

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Out of respect for...

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Shh. Let's cut to
the chase, Nigel.

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May I call you Nigel?

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You see, Nigel,

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I know that men have needs.

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But when a wife
can't fill those needs,

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men have to look elsewhere.

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Yes.

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What the fuck?

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I need to talk
to both of you guys.

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- What?
- Okay.

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Mom, I need to talk to you.

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- Oh, okay.
- Thanks.

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- Boom!
- KYLE: What a beauty.

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Boy, she is
such a good actress.

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Hot.

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No, no, not her.

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Boom.

189
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- BENSON: Now!
- Mmm-hmm?

190
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Foot fetish. (CHUCKLES)

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I like this guy.

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PETER: No, no, not that.

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Don't you see the resemblance?

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KYLE: The resemblance to who?

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Our father!

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He's alive!

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KYLE: To our father?

198
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Are you on acid
right now, Pete?

199
00:09:24,512 --> 00:09:27,279
No, Kyle,
look at his birthmark.

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KYLE: Yeah, I'm looking.

201
00:09:29,783 --> 00:09:31,449
Mom, can you tell him
this isn't our father.

202
00:09:31,451 --> 00:09:33,019
He isn't your father.

203
00:09:33,021 --> 00:09:34,853
Mom, I've been
looking at his picture

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every day since I was
four years old.

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That birth mark
is unmistakable!

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GENE: Honey,
is everything okay?

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00:09:40,260 --> 00:09:41,660
Well, Pete is, uh,

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lost touch with reality.

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The man in the photos
I gave you

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wasn't actually your father.

211
00:09:48,202 --> 00:09:49,269
Okay, what?

212
00:09:49,271 --> 00:09:50,472
What?

213
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:53,238
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

214
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:56,242
Okay, he was a friend of mine
from college.

215
00:09:56,244 --> 00:09:58,511
He was an English
exchange student.

216
00:09:58,513 --> 00:10:00,078
He went back after graduation.

217
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,415
I just thought
you'd never see him.

218
00:10:02,417 --> 00:10:03,549
He's not my dad?

219
00:10:03,551 --> 00:10:05,184
He was studying
to be a Botanist,

220
00:10:05,186 --> 00:10:06,352
for crying out loud.

221
00:10:06,354 --> 00:10:07,852
He's an orphan,

222
00:10:07,854 --> 00:10:09,689
and then he got colon cancer.

223
00:10:09,691 --> 00:10:10,892
HELEN: No.

224
00:10:11,426 --> 00:10:13,192
(SIGHS)

225
00:10:13,194 --> 00:10:15,928
I made up all those stories
about your father.

226
00:10:15,930 --> 00:10:19,332
That he was an orphan,
that he came from England.

227
00:10:19,334 --> 00:10:21,570
That he died of colon cancer.

228
00:10:22,069 --> 00:10:23,135
Wow.

229
00:10:23,137 --> 00:10:24,770
HELEN: The truth is,

230
00:10:24,772 --> 00:10:29,375
and I probably should've
told you a long time ago...

231
00:10:29,377 --> 00:10:30,979
I think you should have.

232
00:10:32,814 --> 00:10:35,917
I wasn't sure
who your father was.

233
00:10:38,820 --> 00:10:40,254
How does that work?

234
00:10:41,254 --> 00:10:43,389
Yeah, how does that work?

235
00:10:43,391 --> 00:10:44,991
Well,

236
00:10:44,993 --> 00:10:46,791
you've got to understand...

237
00:10:46,793 --> 00:10:49,862
It was the '70s.
It was the crazy '70s.

238
00:10:49,864 --> 00:10:52,098
It was disco era.

239
00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:54,000
I was a young girl
living in New York.

240
00:10:54,002 --> 00:10:56,168
And if you went partying
in places

241
00:10:56,170 --> 00:10:58,704
like Studio 54...

242
00:10:58,706 --> 00:11:02,574
And, you know, everybody
was high and fucking

243
00:11:02,576 --> 00:11:05,343
and monogamy wasn't
exactly a priority.

244
00:11:05,345 --> 00:11:08,814
I mean, you just go in there
and the mood, it would...

245
00:11:08,816 --> 00:11:10,782
♪ Baby tonight
Hot stuff ♪

246
00:11:10,784 --> 00:11:11,983
Remember that?

247
00:11:11,985 --> 00:11:13,386
And then,
you know, you just...

248
00:11:13,388 --> 00:11:15,187
- PETER: We get it.
- All these great people

249
00:11:15,189 --> 00:11:17,122
in exactly the same situation
you were,

250
00:11:17,124 --> 00:11:19,157
feeling exactly the same thing
you were in.

251
00:11:19,159 --> 00:11:21,059
You would dance with them,
you know,

252
00:11:21,061 --> 00:11:22,694
and then you go and you just,

253
00:11:22,696 --> 00:11:24,896
you know,
you'd sleep with them.

254
00:11:24,898 --> 00:11:28,166
It's true. The priority
was smoking weed and fucking.

255
00:11:28,168 --> 00:11:29,234
Well, sure, yeah.

256
00:11:29,236 --> 00:11:30,770
KYLE: Studio 54?

257
00:11:30,772 --> 00:11:32,804
- How awesome is that?
- Yeah.

258
00:11:32,806 --> 00:11:34,305
- (CHUCKLES)
- PETER: Awesome?

259
00:11:34,307 --> 00:11:36,008
You think this is awesome?

260
00:11:36,010 --> 00:11:38,044
KYLE:
Well, it's not not awesome.

261
00:11:38,046 --> 00:11:41,112
It helps to explain
my zest for love making.

262
00:11:41,114 --> 00:11:43,284
I've always wondered
where I got that from.

263
00:11:45,753 --> 00:11:47,352
Now we know.

264
00:11:47,354 --> 00:11:50,723
I spent my whole life trying
to honor my father's memory.

265
00:11:50,725 --> 00:11:52,091
And you have.

266
00:11:52,093 --> 00:11:53,492
What memory?

267
00:11:53,494 --> 00:11:56,062
I stare at assholes
all day long

268
00:11:56,064 --> 00:11:59,365
because of a fictional man's
colon cancer.

269
00:11:59,367 --> 00:12:02,133
Pete, could you pivot
into plastic surgery

270
00:12:02,135 --> 00:12:04,503
or something
less butt-related.

271
00:12:04,505 --> 00:12:07,005
I mean, you're really smart,
I don't see why not.

272
00:12:07,007 --> 00:12:09,507
Kyle, how are you
not freaking out right now?

273
00:12:09,509 --> 00:12:10,843
Okay, that's not fair!

274
00:12:10,845 --> 00:12:12,111
You can't tell people
how to freak out.

275
00:12:12,113 --> 00:12:13,812
Now I want everybody
to calm down, all right?

276
00:12:13,814 --> 00:12:15,747
I am so sorry, you guys,

277
00:12:15,749 --> 00:12:17,149
but the light is
going quickly.

278
00:12:17,151 --> 00:12:18,851
It's the last chance
for family photos.

279
00:12:18,853 --> 00:12:20,354
Not a good time, Annie!

280
00:12:21,556 --> 00:12:22,987
It's a perfect time, Annie.

281
00:12:22,989 --> 00:12:24,223
Okay, just get
a little bit tighter

282
00:12:24,225 --> 00:12:25,657
and we'll get
a nice family shot.

283
00:12:25,659 --> 00:12:27,959
Oh, you guys look so good.
Hold on.

284
00:12:27,961 --> 00:12:29,562
- This looks perfect.
- (CAMERA CLICKS)

285
00:12:29,564 --> 00:12:30,865
Oh, so good!

286
00:12:31,932 --> 00:12:33,832
That is going to be
a good one.

287
00:12:33,834 --> 00:12:34,967
You can't leave just yet.

288
00:12:34,969 --> 00:12:36,635
We need Mom and her sons.

289
00:12:36,637 --> 00:12:38,337
Oh, good idea.

290
00:12:38,339 --> 00:12:40,141
Okay. Come back up here.

291
00:12:41,341 --> 00:12:44,275
I'm gonna need you guys
looking forward,

292
00:12:44,277 --> 00:12:45,777
big smiles.

293
00:12:45,779 --> 00:12:46,911
Perfect, Kyle.

294
00:12:46,913 --> 00:12:48,613
Oh, my God, Dr. Reynolds...

295
00:12:48,615 --> 00:12:51,415
This means he's out there.

296
00:12:51,417 --> 00:12:53,418
He's out there somewhere.

297
00:12:53,420 --> 00:12:54,953
Not now, Peter.

298
00:12:54,955 --> 00:12:57,155
Dr. Reynolds, if I can get you
looking at the camera.

299
00:12:57,157 --> 00:13:00,059
He's been out there
this whole time.

300
00:13:00,061 --> 00:13:02,493
That is true. I mean,
who do you think it was?

301
00:13:02,495 --> 00:13:03,896
As we got older, surely...

302
00:13:03,898 --> 00:13:05,296
Was there someone that we
started to remind you of?

303
00:13:05,298 --> 00:13:07,098
Just stop it.
Will you just please stop it.

304
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:10,435
None of the men I was with
would have made a good father.

305
00:13:10,437 --> 00:13:12,070
I was trying to protect you.

306
00:13:12,072 --> 00:13:13,771
Protect yourself more like it.

307
00:13:13,773 --> 00:13:15,940
Hey, wait a minute.

308
00:13:15,942 --> 00:13:19,211
I need a name.
I think you owe me a name.

309
00:13:19,213 --> 00:13:20,279
I think you...

310
00:13:20,281 --> 00:13:22,147
ANNIE: Hey, Reynolds!

311
00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:23,884
Camera! Now!

312
00:13:25,152 --> 00:13:27,352
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- Perfect.

313
00:13:27,354 --> 00:13:29,487
We got it.

314
00:13:29,489 --> 00:13:30,955
Fucking thank you.

315
00:13:30,957 --> 00:13:33,260
I can't talk
about this now, Peter.

316
00:13:34,595 --> 00:13:37,829
Okay, she... Mom has spoken.

317
00:13:37,831 --> 00:13:40,631
Pete, you're spinning
out of control literally.

318
00:13:40,633 --> 00:13:41,934
Just calm down.

319
00:13:41,936 --> 00:13:43,301
Stop telling me to calm down!

320
00:13:43,303 --> 00:13:44,535
Okay?

321
00:13:44,537 --> 00:13:46,972
I just need to know this!

322
00:13:46,974 --> 00:13:49,507
Just give me something.

323
00:13:49,509 --> 00:13:50,778
Please.

324
00:13:51,778 --> 00:13:53,280
Terry Bradshaw.

325
00:13:56,417 --> 00:13:58,617
Four-time Super Bowl champion,
Terry Bradshaw?

326
00:13:58,619 --> 00:14:00,151
Yeah.

327
00:14:00,153 --> 00:14:02,521
The Enterprise Rent-A-Car
spokesman, Terry Bradshaw?

328
00:14:02,523 --> 00:14:04,990
Fox sports TV commentator,
Terry Bradshaw?

329
00:14:04,992 --> 00:14:06,758
Yep. Terry Bradshaw.

330
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:08,359
No, no, no.

331
00:14:08,361 --> 00:14:10,429
(STAMMERS) That's insane!

332
00:14:10,431 --> 00:14:12,564
We started dating

333
00:14:12,566 --> 00:14:13,931
the fall of '74,

334
00:14:13,933 --> 00:14:15,501
just after he gave up

335
00:14:15,503 --> 00:14:19,040
his starting position
to Joe Gilliam.

336
00:14:21,242 --> 00:14:23,809
There's no way she would know
who Joe Gilliam was.

337
00:14:23,811 --> 00:14:24,943
Pete!

338
00:14:24,945 --> 00:14:26,277
Wait, Mom, this is...

339
00:14:26,279 --> 00:14:28,079
Do you realize
how incredible this is?

340
00:14:28,081 --> 00:14:30,015
This is the guy
you loved growing up!

341
00:14:30,017 --> 00:14:32,418
Gene, he had every poster
on the wall!

342
00:14:32,420 --> 00:14:35,353
- I know...
- Can I get a smile now?

343
00:14:35,355 --> 00:14:36,955
Now, will you relax?

344
00:14:36,957 --> 00:14:39,424
- I love Terry Bradshaw.
- I know!

345
00:14:39,426 --> 00:14:40,793
PETER: He's the greatest!

346
00:14:40,795 --> 00:14:41,993
- KYLE: Yeah.
- Yup.

347
00:14:41,995 --> 00:14:44,029
Which raises
the inevitable question,

348
00:14:44,031 --> 00:14:46,799
why did you not

349
00:14:46,801 --> 00:14:48,633
tell us

350
00:14:48,635 --> 00:14:51,805
that the coolest man on Earth
was our father?

351
00:14:53,340 --> 00:14:55,640
Well, he wasn't

352
00:14:55,642 --> 00:14:57,912
the man you saw on TV.

353
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:01,950
He was violent.

354
00:15:02,984 --> 00:15:04,516
He hit you?

355
00:15:04,518 --> 00:15:05,753
No.

356
00:15:06,921 --> 00:15:08,786
But as a football player

357
00:15:08,788 --> 00:15:12,491
he was frequently violent.

358
00:15:12,493 --> 00:15:13,791
As a football player?

359
00:15:13,793 --> 00:15:15,496
Yeah, on Sundays.

360
00:15:16,397 --> 00:15:17,965
Sometimes Monday nights.

361
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,032
Oh, on game days

362
00:15:21,034 --> 00:15:22,300
he was violent... I got it.

363
00:15:22,302 --> 00:15:24,102
Yeah, because
that was his job.

364
00:15:24,104 --> 00:15:25,938
That's what he did
for a living!

365
00:15:25,940 --> 00:15:27,640
(CHUCKLES)

366
00:15:27,642 --> 00:15:29,341
Oh, my God!

367
00:15:29,343 --> 00:15:32,111
Do you have any idea what
my life might have been like

368
00:15:32,113 --> 00:15:34,445
with Terry Bradshaw
in the picture?

369
00:15:34,447 --> 00:15:36,782
I might even be
in the NFL right now!

370
00:15:36,784 --> 00:15:38,183
- Oh, come on!
- Well, we don't know!

371
00:15:38,185 --> 00:15:39,551
You didn't even make
our middle school team.

372
00:15:39,553 --> 00:15:41,786
That's because
I didn't have Terry Bradshaw

373
00:15:41,788 --> 00:15:43,088
teaching me the fundamentals.

374
00:15:43,090 --> 00:15:46,424
Oh, Peter, please,
just please...

375
00:15:46,426 --> 00:15:50,762
My life is basically
crap right now,

376
00:15:50,764 --> 00:15:53,467
and it's your fault.

377
00:15:54,435 --> 00:15:55,936
That's not fair.

378
00:15:56,503 --> 00:15:59,170
Pete. Hey!

379
00:15:59,172 --> 00:16:01,441
Mom, let me talk to him.

380
00:16:02,575 --> 00:16:04,709
KYLE: Hey, Pete!

381
00:16:04,711 --> 00:16:06,011
Pete, come here for a second.

382
00:16:06,013 --> 00:16:08,112
Hey, Pete,
where are you going?

383
00:16:08,114 --> 00:16:10,415
Come on, you got to apologize.

384
00:16:10,417 --> 00:16:11,516
Apologize for what?

385
00:16:11,518 --> 00:16:14,419
Well, you're being
really tough on Mom.

386
00:16:14,421 --> 00:16:17,455
Hey, what are you doing?
No! You're not driving.

387
00:16:17,457 --> 00:16:20,593
Look, maybe I blew
my stack at Mom.

388
00:16:20,595 --> 00:16:22,194
It's just...

389
00:16:22,196 --> 00:16:24,262
She kept Dad from us.

390
00:16:24,264 --> 00:16:25,497
I know.

391
00:16:25,499 --> 00:16:26,799
What the hell?

392
00:16:26,801 --> 00:16:30,870
You know how many times
I just wanted to know him?

393
00:16:30,872 --> 00:16:34,205
I just wanted him
there to ask about

394
00:16:34,207 --> 00:16:37,944
Ethan, about Katherine,
about...

395
00:16:37,946 --> 00:16:40,612
About everything, you know?

396
00:16:40,614 --> 00:16:42,314
Yeah, I know how much
you wanted that.

397
00:16:42,316 --> 00:16:46,220
Yeah, I don't think you do,
man. I just... Well...

398
00:16:51,158 --> 00:16:53,791
I can talk to him.

399
00:16:53,793 --> 00:16:55,295
- Yeah.
- It's Terry Bradshaw.

400
00:16:58,031 --> 00:16:59,400
I'm gonna go find him.

401
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,567
I'm gonna find Dad.

402
00:17:01,569 --> 00:17:03,068
Great! Let's do it.

403
00:17:03,070 --> 00:17:04,869
- Oh, no. You can't come.
- Oh, I'm coming.

404
00:17:04,871 --> 00:17:06,003
You never gave
a shit about Dad.

405
00:17:06,005 --> 00:17:07,873
He's my father, too!

406
00:17:07,875 --> 00:17:09,907
I don't take
my orders from you.

407
00:17:09,909 --> 00:17:11,342
I take them from the universe.

408
00:17:11,344 --> 00:17:14,046
And the universe wants us
to go together.

409
00:17:14,048 --> 00:17:15,414
You're not coming.

410
00:17:15,416 --> 00:17:16,915
Wait, hold on,
wait, who was that?

411
00:17:16,917 --> 00:17:19,050
Hello, yes?

412
00:17:19,052 --> 00:17:20,720
It's the universe?

413
00:17:20,722 --> 00:17:22,221
Yeah.

414
00:17:22,223 --> 00:17:25,257
You want me
to go with my brother?

415
00:17:25,259 --> 00:17:27,792
Pete doesn't want me to go.

416
00:17:27,794 --> 00:17:30,228
- Fuck him?
- (CHUCKLES)

417
00:17:30,230 --> 00:17:32,163
I know.
You said it with a wink.

418
00:17:32,165 --> 00:17:34,866
Okay. I love you, too.

419
00:17:34,868 --> 00:17:37,069
That was the universe.

420
00:17:37,071 --> 00:17:38,273
Now where does he live?

421
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:40,241
Miami.

422
00:17:40,942 --> 00:17:42,273
Done. Miami.

423
00:17:42,275 --> 00:17:44,608
That's where we meet him.

424
00:17:44,610 --> 00:17:47,780
- We're going to Miami.
- God damn it. Yes!

425
00:17:47,782 --> 00:17:49,080
- Come on!
- KYLE: Fine.

426
00:17:49,082 --> 00:17:52,387
You can come,
but don't be annoying.

427
00:17:56,223 --> 00:17:58,890
Let me look at you. Kiss.

428
00:17:58,892 --> 00:18:01,092
(KAYLANI CHUCKLES)

429
00:18:01,094 --> 00:18:03,328
KYLE: Okay, what's our plan?

430
00:18:03,330 --> 00:18:06,030
Um, we're still in good shape.

431
00:18:06,032 --> 00:18:08,032
Mr. Bradshaw will be

432
00:18:08,034 --> 00:18:09,635
at the grand opening

433
00:18:09,637 --> 00:18:12,636
of North Miami Beach
Bradshaw Motors.

434
00:18:12,638 --> 00:18:14,405
- Yeah.
- This afternoon.

435
00:18:14,407 --> 00:18:16,575
Okay, well, that's where
we're gonna meet him.

436
00:18:16,577 --> 00:18:17,842
Yup.

437
00:18:17,844 --> 00:18:19,511
By the way, thank you
for letting me upgrade us.

438
00:18:19,513 --> 00:18:21,446
I think you're gonna
love first class.

439
00:18:21,448 --> 00:18:23,182
I think it's kind of
a waste of money.

440
00:18:23,184 --> 00:18:24,482
Not when it's my money.

441
00:18:24,484 --> 00:18:27,086
Look, Pete,
money is never wasted

442
00:18:27,088 --> 00:18:29,620
when it's spent on
the ones you love.

443
00:18:29,622 --> 00:18:31,155
Like a brother.

444
00:18:31,157 --> 00:18:33,526
Or a jet ski.

445
00:18:33,528 --> 00:18:35,596
Or a party boat.

446
00:18:36,798 --> 00:18:38,864
Push play. Can I see that?

447
00:18:38,866 --> 00:18:41,599
TERRY: I hate to run.
But not running is worse.

448
00:18:41,601 --> 00:18:44,136
So, if I've got to run, it's
going to be in the most...

449
00:18:44,138 --> 00:18:46,605
KYLE: (CHUCKLING)
Look at that Adonis.

450
00:18:46,607 --> 00:18:47,806
That's our dad.

451
00:18:47,808 --> 00:18:49,875
I can't believe it.

452
00:18:49,877 --> 00:18:51,009
FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Mr. Reynolds...

453
00:18:51,011 --> 00:18:52,644
Oh, and Mr. Reynolds.

454
00:18:52,646 --> 00:18:54,379
- Are you guys married?
- PETER: No.

455
00:18:54,381 --> 00:18:56,182
We're just watching some
footage on our father.

456
00:18:56,184 --> 00:18:57,616
We're on our way
to meet him

457
00:18:57,618 --> 00:18:58,916
for the very first time.

458
00:18:58,918 --> 00:19:02,154
So, we're a little nervous
and a whole lot excited.

459
00:19:02,156 --> 00:19:04,223
(GASPS) Aren't you
just the sweetest thing.

460
00:19:04,225 --> 00:19:05,657
If you think I'm sweet,

461
00:19:05,659 --> 00:19:07,425
let me introduce you
to big bro here.

462
00:19:07,427 --> 00:19:09,360
He is like a ripe
honeydew melon.

463
00:19:09,362 --> 00:19:10,863
Ooh. A honeydew, huh?

464
00:19:10,865 --> 00:19:12,098
I love honeydews.

465
00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:13,898
Yeah, they're really yummy.

466
00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:15,500
They're delicious.

467
00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:18,069
There is this thing, though,
you should know about fruit.

468
00:19:18,071 --> 00:19:20,438
A lot of melons in particular.
The skin

469
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,008
is a breeding ground
for bacteria,

470
00:19:23,010 --> 00:19:24,309
E.coli and stuff.

471
00:19:24,311 --> 00:19:26,344
It's just something
to be aware of, you know.

472
00:19:26,346 --> 00:19:28,413
Something to keep in mind

473
00:19:28,415 --> 00:19:31,649
in your fruit-related
endeavors moving forward.

474
00:19:31,651 --> 00:19:32,951
He's a doctor.

475
00:19:32,953 --> 00:19:35,087
Always saving lives.

476
00:19:35,089 --> 00:19:36,387
Oh, a doctor.

477
00:19:36,389 --> 00:19:39,390
Dr. Reynolds. (GIGGLES)

478
00:19:39,392 --> 00:19:40,492
- I'll be careful.
- Yes.

479
00:19:40,494 --> 00:19:42,726
You're welcome. Be careful.

480
00:19:42,728 --> 00:19:44,197
(CHUCKLES)

481
00:19:44,697 --> 00:19:46,030
God!

482
00:19:46,032 --> 00:19:47,599
What are you doing?

483
00:19:47,601 --> 00:19:48,466
What?

484
00:19:48,468 --> 00:19:49,967
You guys had some chemistry.

485
00:19:49,969 --> 00:19:52,504
I was trying to facilitate it.

486
00:19:52,506 --> 00:19:55,139
I think it's called
being a wingman.

487
00:19:55,141 --> 00:19:58,344
I don't need a wingman.
All right?

488
00:19:58,346 --> 00:20:00,544
I'm not on this trip
to get laid.

489
00:20:00,546 --> 00:20:01,879
Come on.

490
00:20:01,881 --> 00:20:04,549
There was a little electricity
there between you two.

491
00:20:04,551 --> 00:20:05,517
Did you notice

492
00:20:05,519 --> 00:20:07,485
a little chemistry there
between them?

493
00:20:07,487 --> 00:20:10,454
I bet she's a real cock tease.

494
00:20:10,456 --> 00:20:12,156
Yeah, right. Stop projecting.

495
00:20:12,158 --> 00:20:13,692
Listen,

496
00:20:13,694 --> 00:20:16,794
how many women have you
been with since the divorce?

497
00:20:16,796 --> 00:20:17,798
Ten?

498
00:20:18,666 --> 00:20:20,130
Yup. Ten.

499
00:20:20,132 --> 00:20:22,033
And it's been a year?

500
00:20:22,035 --> 00:20:24,936
- Three.
- Ten in three years?

501
00:20:24,938 --> 00:20:26,139
Yeah.

502
00:20:27,207 --> 00:20:28,642
(SIGHS)

503
00:20:30,010 --> 00:20:32,778
I'm really sorry.
I had no idea.

504
00:20:32,780 --> 00:20:35,446
I'm being sarcastic.

505
00:20:35,448 --> 00:20:38,416
I haven't had sex with anyone
since Katherine.

506
00:20:38,418 --> 00:20:42,287
I haven't had sex with anyone
besides Katherine.

507
00:20:42,289 --> 00:20:43,888
We got married in college.

508
00:20:43,890 --> 00:20:44,990
Remember?

509
00:20:44,992 --> 00:20:46,293
What?

510
00:20:55,601 --> 00:20:58,303
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to
Miami International Airport.

511
00:20:58,305 --> 00:21:00,873
Peter, Peter, Peter,
is it like a physical thing?

512
00:21:00,875 --> 00:21:03,174
- PETER: What?
- KYLE: Is it like a blood flow?

513
00:21:03,176 --> 00:21:04,742
PETER: God, no!

514
00:21:04,744 --> 00:21:06,912
No, my penis is fine!

515
00:21:06,914 --> 00:21:08,046
Well, what is the deal?

516
00:21:08,048 --> 00:21:09,280
Ever since the divorce,

517
00:21:09,282 --> 00:21:10,648
I've been a little
depressed, okay?

518
00:21:10,650 --> 00:21:12,817
That makes sense.
And it just...

519
00:21:12,819 --> 00:21:13,918
Don't patronize me, okay?

520
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:15,553
You wouldn't know
anything about that.

521
00:21:15,555 --> 00:21:17,321
Of course I do.
You don't think I know

522
00:21:17,323 --> 00:21:18,691
what it's like
to be depressed?

523
00:21:18,693 --> 00:21:21,326
The saddest
I've ever seen you is like...

524
00:21:21,328 --> 00:21:23,694
I've never seen you sad!

525
00:21:23,696 --> 00:21:24,995
You can't get into
a contest...

526
00:21:24,997 --> 00:21:26,330
That is actually sad.

527
00:21:26,332 --> 00:21:27,165
...on who's more sad
than the other guy.

528
00:21:27,167 --> 00:21:28,267
That's weird!

529
00:21:28,269 --> 00:21:30,569
No. It's weird
that you keep...

530
00:21:30,571 --> 00:21:32,671
Dr. Reynolds, good luck
meeting your father.

531
00:21:32,673 --> 00:21:35,340
Thanks. Good luck
with your uniform.

532
00:21:35,342 --> 00:21:36,811
(FLIGHT ATTENDANTS GIGGLING)

533
00:21:38,646 --> 00:21:41,078
No, I'm not going to let you
do that anymore.

534
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:42,380
Do what?

535
00:21:42,382 --> 00:21:44,549
Just deliberately
self-sabotage. Okay?

536
00:21:44,551 --> 00:21:46,751
The top mission
is still bonding with Dad.

537
00:21:46,753 --> 00:21:48,686
Sub-mission
is getting you laid.

538
00:21:48,688 --> 00:21:51,757
Mission below that is gonna be
having stone crabs.

539
00:21:51,759 --> 00:21:54,262
Mission below that,
swimming with dolphins.

540
00:22:01,267 --> 00:22:02,767
PETER: Hey, when we
get to the dealership,

541
00:22:02,769 --> 00:22:04,603
you have to do
all the talking.

542
00:22:04,605 --> 00:22:07,238
KYLE: You cannot be nervous,
Peter. He's a regular guy,

543
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,241
just like us.

544
00:22:09,243 --> 00:22:10,841
TERRY: There you go.

545
00:22:10,843 --> 00:22:12,010
Thank you.

546
00:22:12,012 --> 00:22:13,811
Don't forget to buy a car.

547
00:22:13,813 --> 00:22:15,313
Just kidding. (CHUCKLES)

548
00:22:15,315 --> 00:22:16,915
Hey, fellas, how you doing?

549
00:22:16,917 --> 00:22:18,582
Hi, Terry Bradshaw.

550
00:22:18,584 --> 00:22:20,388
- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

551
00:22:28,329 --> 00:22:29,730
Is he okay?

552
00:22:31,197 --> 00:22:33,464
Aw! Bless his heart.

553
00:22:33,466 --> 00:22:35,300
You're one of my special fans,
aren't you?

554
00:22:35,302 --> 00:22:36,702
Hey, bub.

555
00:22:36,704 --> 00:22:38,536
How you doing? God bless you.

556
00:22:38,538 --> 00:22:40,105
Oh, no. He's not special.

557
00:22:40,107 --> 00:22:42,007
No, no. I am special, Pete.

558
00:22:42,009 --> 00:22:43,844
We're both special.

559
00:22:48,982 --> 00:22:50,415
Do I know you?

560
00:22:50,417 --> 00:22:52,717
Oh, I don't think so.
I'd remember.

561
00:22:52,719 --> 00:22:55,020
TERRY: Really? Are you sure?

562
00:22:55,022 --> 00:22:57,655
You really do look familiar.

563
00:22:57,657 --> 00:22:59,157
- Show him.
- PETER: Yeah.

564
00:22:59,159 --> 00:23:00,791
Well, um...

565
00:23:00,793 --> 00:23:04,029
Do you remember a woman
named Helen Baxter?

566
00:23:04,031 --> 00:23:05,866
Helen Baxter?

567
00:23:06,966 --> 00:23:08,934
Helen Baxter...

568
00:23:08,936 --> 00:23:10,771
Oh, my God.

569
00:23:13,674 --> 00:23:14,742
Wow.

570
00:23:15,341 --> 00:23:16,841
God.

571
00:23:16,843 --> 00:23:19,944
Well, talk about
a blast from the past.

572
00:23:19,946 --> 00:23:21,314
(BOTH GASP)

573
00:23:23,216 --> 00:23:25,783
This woman was something else.

574
00:23:25,785 --> 00:23:27,953
She had the tightest ass
you've ever seen.

575
00:23:27,955 --> 00:23:29,320
I mean, awesome.

576
00:23:29,322 --> 00:23:31,559
Yeah, but Helen was
much more than that.

577
00:23:32,193 --> 00:23:34,059
She had a mouth.

578
00:23:34,061 --> 00:23:35,327
Oh!

579
00:23:35,329 --> 00:23:37,863
And a tongue. Oh!

580
00:23:37,865 --> 00:23:40,331
(CHUCKLING)
And I'm telling you,

581
00:23:40,333 --> 00:23:42,733
it damn near cost us
the Super Bowl.

582
00:23:42,735 --> 00:23:46,738
Well, Mom was
a Browns fan so...

583
00:23:46,740 --> 00:23:48,807
Did you say
that Helen is your mother?

584
00:23:48,809 --> 00:23:50,140
Yeah.

585
00:23:50,142 --> 00:23:52,778
Well, technically, I said it,
sir, because we're...

586
00:23:52,780 --> 00:23:55,446
We're both her sons.
We're twins.

587
00:23:55,448 --> 00:23:57,317
You're Helen Baxter's son?

588
00:23:58,051 --> 00:24:00,117
We're both her boys, yes.

589
00:24:00,119 --> 00:24:01,353
That is...

590
00:24:01,355 --> 00:24:03,955
That is what
we are saying. Yes.

591
00:24:03,957 --> 00:24:05,292
How is she?

592
00:24:06,694 --> 00:24:08,894
- Well, she's great.
- Yeah.

593
00:24:08,896 --> 00:24:11,061
You know, uh,
she just got married.

594
00:24:11,063 --> 00:24:14,867
And she's a lot different
than how you remember her.

595
00:24:14,869 --> 00:24:15,966
That's for sure.

596
00:24:15,968 --> 00:24:18,169
KYLE: Just a little.

597
00:24:18,171 --> 00:24:19,539
Oh, my...

598
00:24:21,975 --> 00:24:23,343
KYLE: Say it.

599
00:24:24,244 --> 00:24:25,780
Say it.

600
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:29,549
You're my son, aren't you?

601
00:24:31,217 --> 00:24:32,983
I... I think so.

602
00:24:32,985 --> 00:24:34,886
Well, technically,
we both are because,

603
00:24:34,888 --> 00:24:36,988
like I was saying earlier,
we're twins.

604
00:24:36,990 --> 00:24:39,023
We're both her sons.

605
00:24:39,025 --> 00:24:41,326
You're my son.

606
00:24:41,328 --> 00:24:42,596
Yes.

607
00:24:43,163 --> 00:24:44,365
(GASPS)

608
00:24:47,667 --> 00:24:49,634
Come here. Come here.

609
00:24:49,636 --> 00:24:53,007
Oh, this is just amazing.

610
00:24:54,507 --> 00:24:56,609
Oh, my God.

611
00:24:59,847 --> 00:25:02,513
I had no idea
that she was even pregnant.

612
00:25:02,515 --> 00:25:04,014
You gotta believe me.
Helen never...

613
00:25:04,016 --> 00:25:05,117
She never said a word.

614
00:25:05,119 --> 00:25:07,152
We know. Don't worry about it.

615
00:25:07,154 --> 00:25:08,685
I mean, I can't believe this.

616
00:25:08,687 --> 00:25:10,989
I mean, you guys have been
out there the whole time.

617
00:25:10,991 --> 00:25:12,824
- It's really emotional.
- I know, yeah.

618
00:25:12,826 --> 00:25:16,027
I already have a son.
His name is Trent.

619
00:25:16,029 --> 00:25:18,029
But he's kind of a nob.
Do you know what I'm saying?

620
00:25:18,031 --> 00:25:19,430
So is my son.

621
00:25:19,432 --> 00:25:21,666
Oh, man.
Do you have any plans?

622
00:25:21,668 --> 00:25:23,001
You guys got anything to do?

623
00:25:23,003 --> 00:25:24,202
No.

624
00:25:24,204 --> 00:25:25,671
Look, why don't you come over
to the house,

625
00:25:25,673 --> 00:25:27,204
and we'll have
some food and drinks.

626
00:25:27,206 --> 00:25:28,639
- What do you say?
- That would be incredible.

627
00:25:28,641 --> 00:25:30,075
- Great. Yeah.
- Okay?

628
00:25:30,077 --> 00:25:31,108
Uh... (STAMMERING)

629
00:25:31,110 --> 00:25:33,011
Pete, why don't you
ride with me.

630
00:25:33,013 --> 00:25:35,981
And, Donald... Donald,
you can just follow, okay?

631
00:25:35,983 --> 00:25:37,348
Okay. It's Kyle.

632
00:25:37,350 --> 00:25:38,482
Is this your car?

633
00:25:38,484 --> 00:25:41,086
Yeah. This is a '75 Stingray.

634
00:25:41,088 --> 00:25:42,587
It's my favorite car!
Literally!

635
00:25:42,589 --> 00:25:44,322
You like it? Really?

636
00:25:44,324 --> 00:25:46,457
Here. You drive.

637
00:25:46,459 --> 00:25:48,026
Donald,
see if you can keep up.

638
00:25:48,028 --> 00:25:50,529
- It's still Kyle.
- Come on. Let's go.

639
00:25:50,531 --> 00:25:52,966
You like this, huh? (LAUGHS)

640
00:26:04,711 --> 00:26:07,311
This is amazing, Mr. Bradshaw!

641
00:26:07,313 --> 00:26:08,445
Please.

642
00:26:08,447 --> 00:26:10,815
Just call me Terry, okay?

643
00:26:10,817 --> 00:26:12,850
PETER: All right!
Well then Terry it is!

644
00:26:12,852 --> 00:26:14,051
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- Whoo!

645
00:26:14,053 --> 00:26:16,553
KYLE: Okay,
take it easy, lead foot.

646
00:26:16,555 --> 00:26:18,691
I'm in a Ford Focus here.

647
00:26:19,525 --> 00:26:21,795
Damn it, slow it down!

648
00:26:36,042 --> 00:26:37,943
(TERRY LAUGHS)

649
00:26:37,945 --> 00:26:39,944
TERRY: Hey, hey, I'm home!

650
00:26:39,946 --> 00:26:41,646
Did you pick up the
fresh garlic I needed?

651
00:26:41,648 --> 00:26:43,080
The fresh garlic.

652
00:26:43,082 --> 00:26:44,782
No, I didn't get
the fresh garlic.

653
00:26:44,784 --> 00:26:46,283
Got something better, though.

654
00:26:46,285 --> 00:26:47,586
Oh, what did you pick up?

655
00:26:47,588 --> 00:26:50,355
I picked up a son. (CHUCKLES)

656
00:26:50,357 --> 00:26:51,990
Pete. Say hi, Pete.

657
00:26:51,992 --> 00:26:53,058
Hi.

658
00:26:53,060 --> 00:26:54,158
How are you?

659
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:55,562
(CHUCKLES) Pete.

660
00:26:57,563 --> 00:26:59,598
This is a joke. Right?

661
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:01,265
No, no, this is not a joke.

662
00:27:01,267 --> 00:27:04,235
His mother and I used to have
unprotected sex all the time.

663
00:27:04,237 --> 00:27:05,404
Don't worry, Pete. All right?

664
00:27:05,406 --> 00:27:07,571
She knows
all about my crazy past.

665
00:27:07,573 --> 00:27:09,507
I'm Peter Reynolds.
So glad to meet you.

666
00:27:09,509 --> 00:27:12,009
It's nice to meet you, Peter.

667
00:27:12,011 --> 00:27:14,812
Sweetie, could I have a word
with you in the kitchen?

668
00:27:14,814 --> 00:27:16,714
- Me? Okay.
- Yeah.

669
00:27:16,716 --> 00:27:18,950
Hey, Pete,
make yourself at home.

670
00:27:18,952 --> 00:27:21,485
My home is
your home now. (CHUCKLES)

671
00:27:21,487 --> 00:27:22,986
My home is your home now.

672
00:27:22,988 --> 00:27:24,321
- Can you believe I said that?
- Yeah, I heard that.

673
00:27:24,323 --> 00:27:25,824
I think we need to,
kind of, just talk.

674
00:27:25,826 --> 00:27:27,658
TERRY: What?
What do you wanna talk...

675
00:27:27,660 --> 00:27:30,028
Listen, sweetie,
this is insane, okay?

676
00:27:30,030 --> 00:27:32,963
You can't just invite somebody
into our home.

677
00:27:32,965 --> 00:27:34,464
I mean, he could be, like,

678
00:27:34,466 --> 00:27:36,067
a con artist
looking for money.

679
00:27:36,069 --> 00:27:38,136
- Money? You're serious?
- Yes. Did you think about...

680
00:27:38,138 --> 00:27:39,404
- Yes.
- No way.

681
00:27:39,406 --> 00:27:40,704
Pete!

682
00:27:40,706 --> 00:27:42,174
Do you need money?

683
00:27:42,176 --> 00:27:44,509
Are you here to rob us?

684
00:27:44,511 --> 00:27:46,344
Oh, no, I'm good.

685
00:27:46,346 --> 00:27:47,848
I'm a physician actually.

686
00:27:49,116 --> 00:27:50,616
Did you hear that?

687
00:27:50,618 --> 00:27:53,284
My boy is a doctor. (LAUGHS)

688
00:27:53,286 --> 00:27:56,021
You're a doctor, son.
Proud of you!

689
00:27:56,023 --> 00:27:57,088
Thanks!

690
00:27:57,090 --> 00:27:58,690
TERRY: I've got
a doctor in my family.

691
00:27:58,692 --> 00:28:01,228
Go deep, Pete! Deep, deep!

692
00:28:03,363 --> 00:28:05,163
- (GRUNTS)
- (TERRY WHOOPS)

693
00:28:05,165 --> 00:28:06,831
Nice grab, Pete!

694
00:28:06,833 --> 00:28:09,033
Atta boy! Great catch, son.

695
00:28:09,035 --> 00:28:11,104
Way to go, babe.

696
00:28:12,638 --> 00:28:15,005
I gotta tell you, Pete.

697
00:28:15,007 --> 00:28:18,209
Had a bit of a colon cancer
scare a few years back.

698
00:28:18,211 --> 00:28:19,376
- Really?
- Yeah.

699
00:28:19,378 --> 00:28:22,446
Thank God I had a good GI doc.

700
00:28:22,448 --> 00:28:25,983
I know you guys, you know,
you catch a lot of guff.

701
00:28:25,985 --> 00:28:28,720
But, man,
it's a noble profession.

702
00:28:28,722 --> 00:28:30,324
Noble as heck.

703
00:28:32,024 --> 00:28:33,893
Really appreciate
you're saying that.

704
00:28:34,526 --> 00:28:36,828
Really do.

705
00:28:36,830 --> 00:28:38,229
Be cool, man.

706
00:28:38,231 --> 00:28:40,530
You know, when I first came
into the league,

707
00:28:40,532 --> 00:28:42,500
I was a bit of a hot head.

708
00:28:42,502 --> 00:28:45,369
I mean, it didn't take so much
as a slight breeze,

709
00:28:45,371 --> 00:28:47,472
and God, I'd go off.

710
00:28:47,474 --> 00:28:49,440
Hey, say hello to this guy.

711
00:28:49,442 --> 00:28:52,176
Mr. Powder Keg.
Horrible temper.

712
00:28:52,178 --> 00:28:53,310
Shut the fuck up.

713
00:28:53,312 --> 00:28:54,646
TERRY: Your mother, boy,

714
00:28:54,648 --> 00:28:57,982
she had this amazing
patience about her.

715
00:28:57,984 --> 00:29:01,353
She had this way of channeling
all my anger

716
00:29:01,355 --> 00:29:02,953
into things that were good.

717
00:29:02,955 --> 00:29:05,792
Not only on the field,
but, you know, off the field.

718
00:29:06,459 --> 00:29:07,959
God!

719
00:29:07,961 --> 00:29:11,494
That woman
just drove me crazy sometimes.

720
00:29:11,496 --> 00:29:13,598
That sounds like Mom.

721
00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:15,299
I know one thing.

722
00:29:15,301 --> 00:29:18,403
I wouldn't have made it
through a single season

723
00:29:18,405 --> 00:29:20,437
had it not been for your mom.

724
00:29:20,439 --> 00:29:22,240
That's the truth.

725
00:29:22,242 --> 00:29:24,242
God, I loved that woman.

726
00:29:24,244 --> 00:29:25,777
I really did.

727
00:29:25,779 --> 00:29:27,214
Wow. That's...

728
00:29:28,881 --> 00:29:30,783
That's beautiful.

729
00:29:31,584 --> 00:29:32,951
Hey, Terry.

730
00:29:32,953 --> 00:29:34,551
Hey, you want to see
someone who can catch,

731
00:29:34,553 --> 00:29:36,087
hit me on a bomb.

732
00:29:36,089 --> 00:29:37,725
Go, go.

733
00:29:43,897 --> 00:29:44,995
- Oh!
- (KYLE GROANS)

734
00:29:44,997 --> 00:29:46,297
(TERRY AND PETER GASP)

735
00:29:46,299 --> 00:29:47,835
KYLE: God! (GROANS)

736
00:29:50,471 --> 00:29:52,337
Sorry, son.

737
00:29:52,339 --> 00:29:54,438
Old habits die hard.

738
00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:56,507
Rod Hamilton.

739
00:29:56,509 --> 00:29:57,974
Big fan.

740
00:29:57,976 --> 00:29:59,876
I played 10 years
with that guy.

741
00:29:59,878 --> 00:30:01,146
He missed me so much,

742
00:30:01,148 --> 00:30:02,946
the bastard
moved in next door.

743
00:30:02,948 --> 00:30:05,916
- (LAUGHS)
- Hey! You still got it, Rod!

744
00:30:05,918 --> 00:30:07,388
He caught the ball.

745
00:30:09,488 --> 00:30:10,655
I love it.

746
00:30:10,657 --> 00:30:12,991
He's still on the juice, baby.

747
00:30:12,993 --> 00:30:15,827
He's still on the juice.

748
00:30:15,829 --> 00:30:18,232
(LAUGHTER)

749
00:30:19,832 --> 00:30:20,965
To Rod.

750
00:30:20,967 --> 00:30:22,867
PETER: Just demolished you.

751
00:30:22,869 --> 00:30:24,534
You son of a bitch.

752
00:30:24,536 --> 00:30:26,738
You need some Advil.

753
00:30:26,740 --> 00:30:27,938
Hey, Rod.

754
00:30:27,940 --> 00:30:30,774
Does the name
Helen Baxter ring a bell?

755
00:30:30,776 --> 00:30:31,975
Ring a bell?

756
00:30:31,977 --> 00:30:33,944
It does more than ring a bell.

757
00:30:33,946 --> 00:30:35,914
I think I just
came in my pants.

758
00:30:35,916 --> 00:30:37,748
- No, Rod...
- ROD: Damn, man.

759
00:30:37,750 --> 00:30:39,050
That woman could fuck.

760
00:30:39,052 --> 00:30:40,617
TERRY: Oh, Rod,
you really might...

761
00:30:40,619 --> 00:30:41,886
ROD: Look, the woman

762
00:30:41,888 --> 00:30:44,388
was like a dick whisperer.

763
00:30:44,390 --> 00:30:47,524
Like, she'd get all up inside
the head of the dick

764
00:30:47,526 --> 00:30:49,394
and know exactly
what it wanted.

765
00:30:49,396 --> 00:30:51,962
Yeah, she'd get
all up in that shaft,

766
00:30:51,964 --> 00:30:53,463
and then in them balls

767
00:30:53,465 --> 00:30:55,465
and in the tip.

768
00:30:55,467 --> 00:30:58,436
Ooh. I'm getting hard
just thinking about it.

769
00:30:58,438 --> 00:31:01,473
So, what makes you think
about Helen Baxter?

770
00:31:01,475 --> 00:31:03,209
- She's our mom.
- Yeah.

771
00:31:04,477 --> 00:31:05,976
I don't know no Helen Baxter.

772
00:31:05,978 --> 00:31:07,377
Sounds like you did.

773
00:31:07,379 --> 00:31:09,181
All we did was cuddle.

774
00:31:09,183 --> 00:31:10,514
Word.

775
00:31:10,516 --> 00:31:14,018
(STAMMERS) It's okay, Rod,
you didn't know.

776
00:31:14,020 --> 00:31:16,788
It's a little awkward,
but, yeah, she's our mom.

777
00:31:16,790 --> 00:31:19,890
Hey, Rod, turns out,

778
00:31:19,892 --> 00:31:21,192
I'm their father.

779
00:31:21,194 --> 00:31:22,426
- KYLE: That's right.
- How about that?

780
00:31:22,428 --> 00:31:24,229
These are my boys.
How about that?

781
00:31:24,231 --> 00:31:26,397
- Whoa! (CHUCKLES)
- TERRY: Yeah!

782
00:31:26,399 --> 00:31:27,831
Congratulations.

783
00:31:27,833 --> 00:31:29,501
Thank you. Cheers.

784
00:31:29,503 --> 00:31:33,002
Evidently, I knocked Helen up
sometime after Super Bowl IX.

785
00:31:33,004 --> 00:31:34,271
Yeah, we were reading,

786
00:31:34,273 --> 00:31:35,940
that's when you went off
to Australia

787
00:31:35,942 --> 00:31:38,076
to record the country
and western album.

788
00:31:38,078 --> 00:31:41,646
Cowboys and Kangaroos,
I believe was the name.

789
00:31:41,648 --> 00:31:42,914
That shit was awful,
wasn't it?

790
00:31:42,916 --> 00:31:44,182
You realize what that means...

791
00:31:44,184 --> 00:31:45,049
What?

792
00:31:45,051 --> 00:31:46,983
We were conceived
in Australia.

793
00:31:46,985 --> 00:31:48,819
- KYLE: Yeah.
- PETER: We're Aussies.

794
00:31:48,821 --> 00:31:49,921
Out in the outback.

795
00:31:49,923 --> 00:31:51,391
TERRY: No, Pete.

796
00:31:52,492 --> 00:31:54,526
You know,
now that I think of it,

797
00:31:54,528 --> 00:31:56,961
Helen didn't make that trip.

798
00:31:56,963 --> 00:31:58,863
We got in this big fight

799
00:31:58,865 --> 00:32:01,566
'cause she didn't
have a passport.

800
00:32:01,568 --> 00:32:02,634
God, I was such a jerk to her.

801
00:32:02,636 --> 00:32:04,234
ROD: Wait, wait.

802
00:32:04,236 --> 00:32:07,271
Isn't that when she started
dating the Wall Street guy?

803
00:32:07,273 --> 00:32:08,673
Yeah, that skinny,
white dude,

804
00:32:08,675 --> 00:32:10,508
he used to throw around
his money and coke.

805
00:32:10,510 --> 00:32:11,876
Roland.

806
00:32:11,878 --> 00:32:14,578
Yeah, yeah, Roland.
Roland Hunt, asshole.

807
00:32:14,580 --> 00:32:15,847
- Nobody liked him.
- No.

808
00:32:15,849 --> 00:32:17,050
Yeah.

809
00:32:18,551 --> 00:32:20,219
What? No.

810
00:32:21,588 --> 00:32:23,287
Terry.

811
00:32:23,289 --> 00:32:24,688
Come on.

812
00:32:24,690 --> 00:32:25,857
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.

813
00:32:25,859 --> 00:32:27,060
Look at him.

814
00:32:29,696 --> 00:32:32,396
He actually looks like Roland.

815
00:32:32,398 --> 00:32:34,231
No, I don't.

816
00:32:34,233 --> 00:32:37,337
You know, you do.
You do, Pete.

817
00:32:38,838 --> 00:32:40,739
The, uh, eyes?

818
00:32:40,741 --> 00:32:41,806
The nose?

819
00:32:41,808 --> 00:32:42,941
ROD: The peanut head.

820
00:32:42,943 --> 00:32:44,541
TERRY: The long, skinny neck.

821
00:32:44,543 --> 00:32:45,710
ROD: The mouth?

822
00:32:45,712 --> 00:32:47,377
TERRY: Yeah. The mouth.

823
00:32:47,379 --> 00:32:48,745
No, he's right.

824
00:32:48,747 --> 00:32:51,081
You just said Roland was an
asshole, nobody liked him.

825
00:32:51,083 --> 00:32:52,716
Why would Mom sleep with him?

826
00:32:52,718 --> 00:32:54,985
Charity fuck? I don't know.

827
00:32:54,987 --> 00:32:57,588
No, no.
We already figured this out.

828
00:32:57,590 --> 00:32:59,056
Terry is our dad.

829
00:32:59,058 --> 00:33:01,128
You're our dad, right?

830
00:33:07,201 --> 00:33:09,099
Uh... No.

831
00:33:09,101 --> 00:33:10,201
TERRY: Gosh, fellas.

832
00:33:10,203 --> 00:33:11,469
I don't know what to say.

833
00:33:11,471 --> 00:33:13,937
I'm so sorry
I'm not your dad. Really.

834
00:33:13,939 --> 00:33:15,240
- That's all right.
- Yeah.

835
00:33:15,242 --> 00:33:17,541
- It's not your fault.
- Donald. Thanks.

836
00:33:17,543 --> 00:33:18,742
It's still Kyle.

837
00:33:18,744 --> 00:33:20,611
Was that fun, throwing
the ball on the beach?

838
00:33:20,613 --> 00:33:21,678
So fun.

839
00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:22,745
You guys are good, good hands.

840
00:33:22,747 --> 00:33:24,182
I thought it was a blast.

841
00:33:24,184 --> 00:33:26,550
I love you, Terry.

842
00:33:26,552 --> 00:33:28,286
Yeah. Okay.

843
00:33:28,288 --> 00:33:29,720
KYLE: We'll see you
down the road.

844
00:33:29,722 --> 00:33:31,956
All right, man. All right.
Y'all be good, hear?

845
00:33:31,958 --> 00:33:33,457
You take care, Mr. Bradshaw.

846
00:33:33,459 --> 00:33:34,591
I will.

847
00:33:34,593 --> 00:33:36,661
Hey, tell your mom I said hi.
All right?

848
00:33:36,663 --> 00:33:38,128
Yeah.

849
00:33:38,130 --> 00:33:40,333
All right. See you guys!

850
00:33:51,476 --> 00:33:54,578
Hey, maybe you'll get along
even better with Roland.

851
00:33:54,580 --> 00:33:58,015
Aren't you bummed out
Terry Bradshaw's not our dad?

852
00:33:58,017 --> 00:33:59,916
How fucking cool
would that be?

853
00:33:59,918 --> 00:34:01,152
KYLE: Listen,

854
00:34:01,154 --> 00:34:04,254
the universe
is saying look 'em up.

855
00:34:04,256 --> 00:34:06,691
And the universe has
a tendency to point you

856
00:34:06,693 --> 00:34:09,128
in the right direction
if you listen to it.

857
00:34:15,435 --> 00:34:17,469
(KYLE SIGHS)

858
00:34:17,471 --> 00:34:19,536
PETER:
I found a Roland Hunt,

859
00:34:19,538 --> 00:34:23,407
investment banker,
in Beacon, New York.

860
00:34:23,409 --> 00:34:25,009
Two hours north of Manhattan.

861
00:34:25,011 --> 00:34:28,047
KYLE: All right, looks like
we're going to New York.

862
00:35:03,715 --> 00:35:04,949
Make it quick!

863
00:35:04,951 --> 00:35:06,851
I'm pulling out in 30 seconds.

864
00:35:06,853 --> 00:35:08,451
Time me.

865
00:35:08,453 --> 00:35:10,954
I want to get to Roland's
office by noon.

866
00:35:10,956 --> 00:35:14,060
Twelve. 13. 14.

867
00:35:17,397 --> 00:35:18,665
- (URINATING)
- (EXHALES)

868
00:35:21,067 --> 00:35:22,333
MAN: Alex, stop it.

869
00:35:22,335 --> 00:35:24,469
Stop it, Alex.
Get back here right now.

870
00:35:24,471 --> 00:35:26,270
No! It stinks!

871
00:35:26,272 --> 00:35:27,771
(KYLE LAUGHING)

872
00:35:27,773 --> 00:35:29,639
You got a jail break there.

873
00:35:29,641 --> 00:35:30,775
MAN: Sorry, man.

874
00:35:30,777 --> 00:35:32,110
I'd come out if I could.

875
00:35:32,112 --> 00:35:33,878
Just let me know
if he's bothering you.

876
00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:35,179
He's doing good.

877
00:35:35,181 --> 00:35:36,880
I actually got
a bun in the oven, too.

878
00:35:36,882 --> 00:35:38,148
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

879
00:35:38,150 --> 00:35:40,150
Whoa. I got a call.
Alex, excuse me.

880
00:35:40,152 --> 00:35:41,386
Kapono, talk to me.

881
00:35:41,388 --> 00:35:43,954
(KAPONO CHATTERING ON PHONE)

882
00:35:43,956 --> 00:35:46,393
What? No, no,
you're breaking up.

883
00:35:48,427 --> 00:35:50,994
They're going another way?

884
00:35:50,996 --> 00:35:52,963
What does that mean?

885
00:35:52,965 --> 00:35:54,368
(URINE SLOSHING)

886
00:35:55,368 --> 00:35:57,768
Hey! Whoa, whoa! Hey! Whoa!

887
00:35:57,770 --> 00:35:59,036
I've got flip-flops on!

888
00:35:59,038 --> 00:36:00,103
MAN: Is he peeing on you?

889
00:36:00,105 --> 00:36:01,373
Yeah, has he done this before?

890
00:36:01,375 --> 00:36:03,007
MAN: Unfortunately, yes.
It's a real problem.

891
00:36:03,009 --> 00:36:04,375
Sir, this is crazy,

892
00:36:04,377 --> 00:36:05,576
but you're going to
have to pee on my kid.

893
00:36:05,578 --> 00:36:06,643
You want me
to pee on your kid?

894
00:36:06,645 --> 00:36:07,712
MAN: Please, dad to dad.

895
00:36:07,714 --> 00:36:08,779
He needs to
learn consequences.

896
00:36:08,781 --> 00:36:10,213
I'm not going to...

897
00:36:10,215 --> 00:36:12,717
Do you hear that, Alex?
Is that what you want?

898
00:36:12,719 --> 00:36:14,121
Stop!

899
00:36:14,686 --> 00:36:16,056
There! Yeah.

900
00:36:16,956 --> 00:36:18,158
Chaos theory.

901
00:36:19,792 --> 00:36:21,525
He started it.

902
00:36:21,527 --> 00:36:24,497
I swear. This is justified.

903
00:36:28,435 --> 00:36:30,237
Hey. That kid had it coming.

904
00:36:44,784 --> 00:36:46,420
How much did Ethan cost?

905
00:36:47,420 --> 00:36:49,253
Well, we didn't buy him.

906
00:36:49,255 --> 00:36:51,524
To raise him. I know
you guys didn't buy him.

907
00:36:52,259 --> 00:36:54,558
Um, well...

908
00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:55,927
Four more years
of private school,

909
00:36:55,929 --> 00:37:00,331
four years of college,
tutors, summer camp.

910
00:37:00,333 --> 00:37:03,735
Every single Apple product
that ever comes out.

911
00:37:03,737 --> 00:37:07,038
Uh, once all said and done,
we're probably pushing a mil.

912
00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:09,907
A million dollars?

913
00:37:09,909 --> 00:37:11,342
To raise a kid?

914
00:37:11,344 --> 00:37:13,447
What do you care?
You're loaded.

915
00:37:13,846 --> 00:37:15,378
Besides,

916
00:37:15,380 --> 00:37:18,983
"Money's never wasted
on the ones you love." Right?

917
00:37:18,985 --> 00:37:24,688
No, I know. I was just worried
about you and Ethan.

918
00:37:24,690 --> 00:37:27,824
Good thing Roland's
a financial wizard, right?

919
00:37:27,826 --> 00:37:29,559
PETER: I thought
we were going to his office.

920
00:37:29,561 --> 00:37:31,228
This is all residential.

921
00:37:31,230 --> 00:37:32,697
KYLE: Maybe
he works from home.

922
00:37:32,699 --> 00:37:35,335
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Destination is on your right.

923
00:37:40,373 --> 00:37:41,675
(DOORBELL RINGING)

924
00:37:59,292 --> 00:38:00,623
Why are you copying me?

925
00:38:00,625 --> 00:38:01,925
- I just did that.
- I'm not copying you.

926
00:38:01,927 --> 00:38:03,126
I did all of those things.

927
00:38:03,128 --> 00:38:05,165
You weren't
touching this thing.

928
00:38:05,831 --> 00:38:07,764
This is cold.

929
00:38:07,766 --> 00:38:09,701
So?

930
00:38:09,703 --> 00:38:13,172
I don't think anyone's
been here for hours.

931
00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:15,840
Door knob tell you that?

932
00:38:15,842 --> 00:38:17,007
These are painted shut.

933
00:38:17,009 --> 00:38:19,376
PETER: So, what?
Kyle, where are you going?

934
00:38:19,378 --> 00:38:21,177
Come on! Kyle.

935
00:38:21,179 --> 00:38:22,447
This is locked.

936
00:38:22,449 --> 00:38:24,315
Of course it's locked.
He's not home.

937
00:38:24,317 --> 00:38:25,949
Come on. What are you doing?

938
00:38:25,951 --> 00:38:27,183
You hear those vibrations?

939
00:38:27,185 --> 00:38:28,386
You're hearing vibrations?

940
00:38:28,388 --> 00:38:29,922
'Cause I'm getting
a weird vibe.

941
00:38:32,125 --> 00:38:34,625
Oh. Oh, God.

942
00:38:34,627 --> 00:38:37,295
Looks like you picked the
wrong house, motherfuckers.

943
00:38:37,297 --> 00:38:38,563
Pete, don't do anything funny.

944
00:38:38,565 --> 00:38:39,963
Why would you
put that in his head?

945
00:38:39,965 --> 00:38:41,099
KYLE: No karate.

946
00:38:41,101 --> 00:38:42,800
Fucking no karate.

947
00:38:42,802 --> 00:38:44,668
I haven't done karate
in 30 years.

948
00:38:44,670 --> 00:38:46,369
He's got a gun.
And that beats karate.

949
00:38:46,371 --> 00:38:47,640
Shut the fuck up.

950
00:38:50,043 --> 00:38:53,444
What the fuck kind of B & E
guys are you two assholes?

951
00:38:53,446 --> 00:38:55,079
We're not robbers.

952
00:38:55,081 --> 00:38:57,614
We're just looking for a guy
named Roland Hunt. That's it.

953
00:38:57,616 --> 00:38:59,083
What do you want with him?

954
00:38:59,085 --> 00:39:02,219
He dated our mom,
Helen Baxter, in the '70s.

955
00:39:02,221 --> 00:39:04,822
Oh, shit!

956
00:39:04,824 --> 00:39:08,826
You guys are
Lenny Baxter's kids?

957
00:39:08,828 --> 00:39:10,194
You called her Lenny?

958
00:39:10,196 --> 00:39:12,230
You're Roland Hunt?

959
00:39:12,232 --> 00:39:16,032
I can't believe I almost shot
one of Lenny Baxter's kids!

960
00:39:16,034 --> 00:39:17,201
That is hilarious.

961
00:39:17,203 --> 00:39:18,634
And gave this one
a heart attack.

962
00:39:18,636 --> 00:39:20,538
Yeah.
Almost took you both out.

963
00:39:20,540 --> 00:39:23,407
- Two for one.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

964
00:39:23,409 --> 00:39:24,608
I mean, I guess
you probably don't think

965
00:39:24,610 --> 00:39:25,809
it's that funny, but...

966
00:39:25,811 --> 00:39:28,045
Oh, fuck, yeah,
I'm sorry about the gun.

967
00:39:28,047 --> 00:39:29,246
Listen, I only got this

968
00:39:29,248 --> 00:39:30,614
because we got
a lot of break-ins

969
00:39:30,616 --> 00:39:32,416
in the neighborhood.
Got it for protection.

970
00:39:32,418 --> 00:39:33,884
Better safe than sorry.

971
00:39:33,886 --> 00:39:35,786
Honestly, I don't even like
holding the thing.

972
00:39:35,788 --> 00:39:36,920
Here, you take it.

973
00:39:36,922 --> 00:39:39,590
- No, no, no.
- Come on in the house, boys.

974
00:39:39,592 --> 00:39:41,491
KYLE: I thought
you were gonna flip him.

975
00:39:41,493 --> 00:39:43,495
You're dangerous.

976
00:39:45,531 --> 00:39:47,967
Mom! We got company!

977
00:39:48,701 --> 00:39:50,237
Mom!

978
00:39:51,605 --> 00:39:53,436
Mom!

979
00:39:53,438 --> 00:39:54,971
Could that be Grandma?

980
00:39:54,973 --> 00:39:56,107
MRS. HUNT: Hello!

981
00:39:56,109 --> 00:39:57,308
KYLE: Hi!

982
00:39:57,310 --> 00:39:59,242
Roland!
They got a fucking gun!

983
00:39:59,244 --> 00:40:01,579
- No.
- Don't hold it like that.

984
00:40:01,581 --> 00:40:02,880
Drop the fucking gun,
motherfucker.

985
00:40:02,882 --> 00:40:05,081
Fuck! It's just the gun
you handed me,

986
00:40:05,083 --> 00:40:06,483
like, a minute ago.

987
00:40:06,485 --> 00:40:08,886
Oh, right. Yes. God damn it.
So sorry. Shit!

988
00:40:08,888 --> 00:40:11,221
I don't know
what's going on with me.

989
00:40:11,223 --> 00:40:12,288
It's tense with
all the break-ins

990
00:40:12,290 --> 00:40:13,357
in the neighborhood.

991
00:40:13,359 --> 00:40:15,058
I'm really sorry.

992
00:40:15,060 --> 00:40:16,360
Putting this down.

993
00:40:16,362 --> 00:40:17,695
You should've seen
your faces, though.

994
00:40:17,697 --> 00:40:19,496
You looked like
you shit yourselves.

995
00:40:19,498 --> 00:40:21,498
They looked scared as shit.

996
00:40:21,500 --> 00:40:23,433
- Right?
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

997
00:40:23,435 --> 00:40:24,869
Come on and say hi to Mom.

998
00:40:24,871 --> 00:40:27,103
You're holding it in
such a threatening way.

999
00:40:27,105 --> 00:40:28,438
You can't do that.

1000
00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:29,940
Hey, Mom, it's okay.

1001
00:40:29,942 --> 00:40:32,009
These are Lenny Baxter's kids.
You remember Lenny?

1002
00:40:32,011 --> 00:40:33,013
Oh, Lenny.

1003
00:40:33,779 --> 00:40:35,545
What a sweet man!

1004
00:40:35,547 --> 00:40:37,949
So, what are you doing here?

1005
00:40:37,951 --> 00:40:39,916
Is everything okay
with your mom?

1006
00:40:39,918 --> 00:40:41,719
Everything's good.
We're on a quest.

1007
00:40:41,721 --> 00:40:44,355
And I'll just
cut right to the chase.

1008
00:40:44,357 --> 00:40:46,690
Did you know Lenny

1009
00:40:46,692 --> 00:40:50,460
between April and May of 1975?

1010
00:40:50,462 --> 00:40:52,396
Know her, like,
in a biblical sense.

1011
00:40:52,398 --> 00:40:53,463
Sorry.

1012
00:40:53,465 --> 00:40:54,965
No, she's heard it all.

1013
00:40:54,967 --> 00:40:56,500
Okay.

1014
00:40:56,502 --> 00:40:59,036
Yeah. '75, that sounds
about right. Yeah.

1015
00:40:59,038 --> 00:41:00,639
Why do you ask?

1016
00:41:03,641 --> 00:41:05,678
We think we're your sons.

1017
00:41:06,911 --> 00:41:08,512
Your boys.

1018
00:41:08,514 --> 00:41:10,279
Me and Pete.

1019
00:41:10,281 --> 00:41:12,017
You're our dad.

1020
00:41:16,755 --> 00:41:17,757
(SIGHS)

1021
00:41:20,826 --> 00:41:21,828
Hi.

1022
00:41:39,578 --> 00:41:40,947
(KYLE INHALES DEEPLY)

1023
00:41:50,623 --> 00:41:54,561
Will you just excuse me
for a minute?

1024
00:42:01,034 --> 00:42:02,331
That was one of
the most powerful things

1025
00:42:02,333 --> 00:42:03,433
I've ever seen.

1026
00:42:03,435 --> 00:42:06,003
He just inhaled us.

1027
00:42:06,005 --> 00:42:07,070
Yeah.

1028
00:42:07,072 --> 00:42:08,338
Did you smell him?

1029
00:42:08,340 --> 00:42:09,639
- You smelled him?
- Yes!

1030
00:42:09,641 --> 00:42:10,940
What did he smell like?

1031
00:42:10,942 --> 00:42:13,076
He smelled like

1032
00:42:13,078 --> 00:42:14,311
- home.
- Home?

1033
00:42:14,313 --> 00:42:16,380
- ROLAND: Fuck this! No!
- (OBJECTS SHATTERING)

1034
00:42:16,382 --> 00:42:17,681
There is no fucking way

1035
00:42:17,683 --> 00:42:19,717
those two jackasses
are my kids!

1036
00:42:19,719 --> 00:42:21,451
They don't even
fucking look like me!

1037
00:42:21,453 --> 00:42:22,686
MRS. HUNT:
The one with the beard

1038
00:42:22,688 --> 00:42:24,221
has your beautiful eyes.

1039
00:42:24,223 --> 00:42:25,489
ROLAND: Big fucking deal.

1040
00:42:25,491 --> 00:42:26,824
Fuck 'em! They look like

1041
00:42:26,826 --> 00:42:28,092
a couple of total
fucking dickheads!

1042
00:42:28,094 --> 00:42:32,029
Oh... We are not
descended from that.

1043
00:42:32,031 --> 00:42:33,500
That's not our dad.

1044
00:42:37,002 --> 00:42:39,704
Would you boys like
anything to drink?

1045
00:42:39,706 --> 00:42:42,538
I would love a Hinano beer.

1046
00:42:42,540 --> 00:42:44,507
I'll see if we have one.

1047
00:42:44,509 --> 00:42:46,009
It's an awesome Tahitian beer.

1048
00:42:46,011 --> 00:42:47,945
She is so adorable.

1049
00:42:47,947 --> 00:42:49,112
I'm out of here.

1050
00:42:49,114 --> 00:42:51,114
If he is our father,
I don't want to know.

1051
00:42:51,116 --> 00:42:52,516
Come on, Pete.

1052
00:42:52,518 --> 00:42:56,253
He's in shock, all right?
I'm getting good energy here.

1053
00:42:56,255 --> 00:42:57,688
Based on what?

1054
00:42:57,690 --> 00:43:01,257
We are all out of Mojumbo.

1055
00:43:01,259 --> 00:43:02,759
But

1056
00:43:02,761 --> 00:43:06,865
Roland has something
that he'd like to say to you.

1057
00:43:07,766 --> 00:43:09,266
(QUIETLY) I'm sorry.

1058
00:43:09,268 --> 00:43:11,737
MRS. HUNT:
I don't think they heard you.

1059
00:43:13,072 --> 00:43:16,607
I'm sorry!

1060
00:43:16,609 --> 00:43:18,007
Well, three time's the charm.

1061
00:43:18,009 --> 00:43:21,545
Oh, this is just
such a blessing.

1062
00:43:21,547 --> 00:43:23,882
I'm finally a grandma.

1063
00:43:24,917 --> 00:43:27,052
Well, I'm gonna go finish up.

1064
00:43:29,755 --> 00:43:31,691
Well, listen.
It's a pleasure. Really.

1065
00:43:33,226 --> 00:43:35,962
Something I want to show
you guys. Come here.

1066
00:43:36,696 --> 00:43:38,228
Go ahead, guys.

1067
00:43:38,230 --> 00:43:39,732
After you.

1068
00:43:40,665 --> 00:43:42,733
(WHISPERS) Are you happy?

1069
00:43:42,735 --> 00:43:44,300
He's gonna kill us down here.

1070
00:43:44,302 --> 00:43:45,536
He's not going to kill us.

1071
00:43:45,538 --> 00:43:47,371
Yes, he is.

1072
00:43:47,373 --> 00:43:49,306
Is there a light down here?

1073
00:43:49,308 --> 00:43:50,574
ROLAND: No, that bulb's out.

1074
00:43:50,576 --> 00:43:52,275
You can use
your phone, I guess.

1075
00:43:52,277 --> 00:43:53,511
KYLE: Did you bring the gun?

1076
00:43:53,513 --> 00:43:55,045
PETER: No,
I did not bring the gun.

1077
00:43:55,047 --> 00:43:56,779
- KYLE: Damn it.
- PETER: I left it upstairs.

1078
00:43:56,781 --> 00:43:58,215
ROLAND: Take a left
at the bottom of the stairs.

1079
00:43:58,217 --> 00:43:59,748
PETER: Oh, my God.

1080
00:43:59,750 --> 00:44:01,251
Why are there mannequins?

1081
00:44:01,253 --> 00:44:02,956
KYLE: Pete, I'm scared.

1082
00:44:04,690 --> 00:44:07,123
PETER: How are
the vibes now, Kyle?

1083
00:44:07,125 --> 00:44:08,227
KYLE: Not good.

1084
00:44:10,563 --> 00:44:12,029
There we go.

1085
00:44:12,031 --> 00:44:13,065
Now...

1086
00:44:14,567 --> 00:44:16,833
I think this is it.

1087
00:44:16,835 --> 00:44:18,605
Pete, you want to
do the honors?

1088
00:44:23,442 --> 00:44:24,808
(SCREAMS)

1089
00:44:24,810 --> 00:44:26,012
ROLAND: Oh, shit!

1090
00:44:28,147 --> 00:44:31,014
That is the wrong box.

1091
00:44:31,016 --> 00:44:32,018
Sorry.

1092
00:44:32,451 --> 00:44:33,652
Uh...

1093
00:44:34,353 --> 00:44:36,255
Gotta be this one.

1094
00:44:37,656 --> 00:44:39,255
Okay.

1095
00:44:39,257 --> 00:44:41,525
I'll do it for you.

1096
00:44:41,527 --> 00:44:43,061
No rodents.

1097
00:44:44,163 --> 00:44:45,164
Go ahead.

1098
00:44:48,034 --> 00:44:49,235
Is that Mom?

1099
00:44:49,668 --> 00:44:50,936
What?

1100
00:44:52,105 --> 00:44:53,337
Oh, my God.

1101
00:44:53,339 --> 00:44:55,239
Look at you guys.

1102
00:44:55,241 --> 00:44:57,373
You look incredible.

1103
00:44:57,375 --> 00:44:59,108
Yeah, she looks really happy.

1104
00:44:59,110 --> 00:45:01,013
She was

1105
00:45:01,712 --> 00:45:03,917
just an amazing woman.

1106
00:45:04,516 --> 00:45:06,317
Okay.

1107
00:45:06,319 --> 00:45:10,487
You don't have to tell us
what an amazing lay she was,

1108
00:45:10,489 --> 00:45:11,922
and how suckable

1109
00:45:11,924 --> 00:45:14,358
her candied nipples are...

1110
00:45:14,360 --> 00:45:15,759
What the hell is the matter...

1111
00:45:15,761 --> 00:45:17,895
This is your mom
we're talking about. Jesus.

1112
00:45:17,897 --> 00:45:20,096
Pete! That's not appropriate!

1113
00:45:20,098 --> 00:45:21,232
Sorry, Roland.

1114
00:45:21,234 --> 00:45:22,866
ROLAND: Whatever, anyway.

1115
00:45:22,868 --> 00:45:25,735
(SIGHS) My point being,

1116
00:45:25,737 --> 00:45:28,808
she's the only woman
I ever truly loved.

1117
00:45:30,074 --> 00:45:31,775
Oh, man.

1118
00:45:31,777 --> 00:45:34,543
I think that's why I got
a little kind of

1119
00:45:34,545 --> 00:45:36,313
bent out of shape
upstairs there

1120
00:45:36,315 --> 00:45:39,016
when you guys dropped
the bombshell on me,

1121
00:45:39,018 --> 00:45:42,686
and, honestly,
I was just kind of

1122
00:45:42,688 --> 00:45:45,625
regretting
what might have been.

1123
00:45:46,292 --> 00:45:47,791
Hmm.

1124
00:45:47,793 --> 00:45:50,628
I mean, I'm not
exactly living the dream here.

1125
00:45:50,630 --> 00:45:52,098
PETER: Sometimes, um...

1126
00:45:54,667 --> 00:45:56,967
You just...

1127
00:45:56,969 --> 00:45:58,934
Sometimes
you just find yourself

1128
00:45:58,936 --> 00:46:01,674
not where you want to be.

1129
00:46:04,310 --> 00:46:05,576
Yeah. I'm sorry.

1130
00:46:05,578 --> 00:46:07,179
Thanks, Pete.

1131
00:46:09,949 --> 00:46:12,181
Well, I got a work thing,
guys. I gotta go. Sorry.

1132
00:46:12,183 --> 00:46:15,018
What, you got like a little
Wall Street deal going on?

1133
00:46:15,020 --> 00:46:16,686
ROLAND: No. I'll tell you
what I've learned.

1134
00:46:16,688 --> 00:46:18,989
You've got to diversify.

1135
00:46:18,991 --> 00:46:20,556
And I don't care
if you're making

1136
00:46:20,558 --> 00:46:21,958
10 grand a year or 10 million.

1137
00:46:21,960 --> 00:46:23,860
You don't want it
all coming from one place.

1138
00:46:23,862 --> 00:46:25,561
That's how guys get burned.

1139
00:46:25,563 --> 00:46:27,163
Really?

1140
00:46:27,165 --> 00:46:29,368
PETER: Oh, yeah. Don't want
all your eggs in one basket.

1141
00:46:31,235 --> 00:46:32,404
Come on.

1142
00:46:34,607 --> 00:46:35,773
ROLAND: Lately,
I've been doing

1143
00:46:35,775 --> 00:46:37,074
a lot of work with creditors.

1144
00:46:37,076 --> 00:46:39,976
Helping them to
reacquire merchandise

1145
00:46:39,978 --> 00:46:43,012
when the debtor can no longer
afford the payments.

1146
00:46:43,014 --> 00:46:44,614
KYLE: Oh, like a repo man.

1147
00:46:44,616 --> 00:46:45,750
ROLAND: Yeah, exactly.

1148
00:46:45,752 --> 00:46:46,983
Of course now, I gotta call

1149
00:46:46,985 --> 00:46:48,251
a fucking cab
just to do this job.

1150
00:46:48,253 --> 00:46:50,453
KYLE: We can
give you a ride, right?

1151
00:46:50,455 --> 00:46:52,422
ROLAND: Oh, no, I couldn't
impose on you guys.

1152
00:46:52,424 --> 00:46:53,757
PETER: Oh, come on.

1153
00:46:53,759 --> 00:46:55,726
Besides, it can be dangerous,
repo work.

1154
00:46:55,728 --> 00:46:56,960
You know, people don't like

1155
00:46:56,962 --> 00:46:58,596
having their stuff
taken from them.

1156
00:46:58,598 --> 00:47:00,429
Hey, people don't like having
their anuses probed either,

1157
00:47:00,431 --> 00:47:03,969
but that's how I've made
a living the last 12 years.

1158
00:47:05,337 --> 00:47:07,471
As a doctor.

1159
00:47:07,473 --> 00:47:08,570
Oh. (CHUCKLES)

1160
00:47:08,572 --> 00:47:11,810
Come on. Let us help you.

1161
00:47:12,511 --> 00:47:14,777
So, what happens

1162
00:47:14,779 --> 00:47:17,380
if they show up
while you're doing this?

1163
00:47:17,382 --> 00:47:18,681
Well...

1164
00:47:18,683 --> 00:47:21,485
Hope for the best, prepare
for the worst, you know?

1165
00:47:21,487 --> 00:47:22,985
If he does show up,

1166
00:47:22,987 --> 00:47:25,688
you can expect to hear
some top-shelf bullshit.

1167
00:47:25,690 --> 00:47:27,157
Is that right?

1168
00:47:27,159 --> 00:47:29,793
"Repossessed? I've never even
missed a payment!

1169
00:47:29,795 --> 00:47:32,061
"Got to be a computer error."

1170
00:47:32,063 --> 00:47:34,063
That is classic bullshit.

1171
00:47:34,065 --> 00:47:36,766
ROLAND: They're late
on their child support,

1172
00:47:36,768 --> 00:47:38,569
they'll even deny
they have kids.

1173
00:47:38,571 --> 00:47:39,668
PETER: What?

1174
00:47:39,670 --> 00:47:42,273
God! Just sick.

1175
00:47:42,275 --> 00:47:44,141
(ENGINE REVVING)

1176
00:47:44,143 --> 00:47:46,775
Got to love that sound,
huh, Pete?

1177
00:47:46,777 --> 00:47:48,078
- There you go.
- Oh, wow!

1178
00:47:48,080 --> 00:47:49,512
Plus, there's only
going to be room for

1179
00:47:49,514 --> 00:47:50,746
- two of us, so who draws...
- KYLE: Shotgun!

1180
00:47:50,748 --> 00:47:52,081
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.

1181
00:47:52,083 --> 00:47:53,683
ROLAND: No, no. No worries.

1182
00:47:53,685 --> 00:47:55,851
We're within
our legal rights here.

1183
00:47:55,853 --> 00:47:58,454
Just doing our jobs.

1184
00:47:58,456 --> 00:48:00,023
What the fuck you doing
to my property?

1185
00:48:00,025 --> 00:48:01,224
Your car's being repossessed.

1186
00:48:01,226 --> 00:48:03,059
I'd advise you
to just stand back

1187
00:48:03,061 --> 00:48:04,261
and let us do our jobs.

1188
00:48:04,263 --> 00:48:06,163
You're going to
repossess my car?

1189
00:48:06,165 --> 00:48:09,099
I've never missed
a single payment.

1190
00:48:09,101 --> 00:48:10,666
Guys, this has got to be
some kind of computer error.

1191
00:48:10,668 --> 00:48:12,636
Check your little computer
things, and you'll find out.

1192
00:48:12,638 --> 00:48:13,902
Two for two.

1193
00:48:13,904 --> 00:48:15,773
PETER: My God!

1194
00:48:15,775 --> 00:48:17,541
Word on the street is
you even missed

1195
00:48:17,543 --> 00:48:18,909
your child support payments.

1196
00:48:18,911 --> 00:48:20,143
Come on, man.

1197
00:48:20,145 --> 00:48:21,777
Hey, genius,
I don't have any kids.

1198
00:48:21,779 --> 00:48:23,779
I'm sorry. Paying your bills,

1199
00:48:23,781 --> 00:48:25,815
very basic adult
responsibility.

1200
00:48:25,817 --> 00:48:27,918
- Yup. Well said, Pete.
- Thank you.

1201
00:48:27,920 --> 00:48:29,686
This is insanity.
I'm calling the police.

1202
00:48:29,688 --> 00:48:31,054
Well, feel free,

1203
00:48:31,056 --> 00:48:32,088
but it is going to be
pretty embarrassing

1204
00:48:32,090 --> 00:48:34,391
when I show them
the paperwork.

1205
00:48:34,393 --> 00:48:35,858
I left it in the car.

1206
00:48:35,860 --> 00:48:37,061
Kyle, can I have the keys?

1207
00:48:37,063 --> 00:48:38,427
And I'll run down there
and get it.

1208
00:48:38,429 --> 00:48:39,529
PETER: Give him the keys.

1209
00:48:39,531 --> 00:48:41,030
Thank you.

1210
00:48:41,032 --> 00:48:43,666
And make sure they don't
escape in the old Ferrari.

1211
00:48:43,668 --> 00:48:44,933
Make sure I don't
steal my own car.

1212
00:48:44,935 --> 00:48:46,302
We got this. We got this.

1213
00:48:46,304 --> 00:48:47,637
- Yeah, Pete's got this.
- Deadbeat asshole.

1214
00:48:47,639 --> 00:48:49,306
Are you fucking kidding me?

1215
00:48:49,308 --> 00:48:52,509
Let me tell you something,
McEnroe,

1216
00:48:52,511 --> 00:48:54,344
you're not too big to fail.

1217
00:48:54,346 --> 00:48:55,712
That's right.

1218
00:48:55,714 --> 00:48:57,114
You failed today.

1219
00:48:57,116 --> 00:48:59,882
Because we're taking
your Ferrari.

1220
00:48:59,884 --> 00:49:02,520
You just double faulted.

1221
00:49:02,522 --> 00:49:06,023
And the bank broke your serve.

1222
00:49:06,025 --> 00:49:07,324
- You know what, buddy?
- What?

1223
00:49:07,326 --> 00:49:10,927
Life isn't about
just accumulating stuff.

1224
00:49:10,929 --> 00:49:12,563
All right?

1225
00:49:12,565 --> 00:49:15,799
The fast cars
and the big house in Hawaii

1226
00:49:15,801 --> 00:49:17,099
and the white clothes

1227
00:49:17,101 --> 00:49:18,235
and the model girlfriend.

1228
00:49:18,237 --> 00:49:19,770
This is freaking New York!

1229
00:49:19,772 --> 00:49:21,770
This is my wife. Hello.

1230
00:49:21,772 --> 00:49:23,338
You think I'm a model?

1231
00:49:23,340 --> 00:49:26,043
Well, he doesn't think you're
a model, you're 5'2".

1232
00:49:26,045 --> 00:49:27,277
Yeah, she's got
a wedding ring.

1233
00:49:27,279 --> 00:49:29,112
I didn't see the wedding ring.

1234
00:49:29,114 --> 00:49:31,081
Oh, my God. You know what?

1235
00:49:31,083 --> 00:49:33,683
This ain't worth it.
Fine, you guys are right.

1236
00:49:33,685 --> 00:49:34,750
I'll just cut you a check.

1237
00:49:34,752 --> 00:49:36,520
Could we just
end this, please?

1238
00:49:36,522 --> 00:49:38,288
Do me a favor,
go get the check book.

1239
00:49:38,290 --> 00:49:39,889
It's in the closet.
My side of the bed, please?

1240
00:49:39,891 --> 00:49:41,092
- Okay.
- Thank you.

1241
00:49:41,661 --> 00:49:43,259
All good.

1242
00:49:43,261 --> 00:49:44,694
ROLAND: Yeah, it's me.
That Ferrari didn't work out.

1243
00:49:44,696 --> 00:49:48,498
You know anybody who can move
a Chevy Malibu?

1244
00:49:48,500 --> 00:49:50,136
All right, call me back.

1245
00:49:54,839 --> 00:49:56,975
You gotta be kidding me.

1246
00:50:02,848 --> 00:50:04,483
Damn it, Lenny.

1247
00:50:05,516 --> 00:50:07,518
Where's Roland?

1248
00:50:07,520 --> 00:50:08,451
He's coming.

1249
00:50:08,453 --> 00:50:09,786
- WOMAN: Honey!
- MAN: Yeah?

1250
00:50:09,788 --> 00:50:10,987
I've got the check book.

1251
00:50:10,989 --> 00:50:12,391
- Great.
- (PETER AND KYLE YELP)

1252
00:50:13,692 --> 00:50:14,991
Come on, let's go!

1253
00:50:14,993 --> 00:50:16,192
Give me the gun.
Don't point it at me!

1254
00:50:16,194 --> 00:50:17,494
- We're taking the Ferrari!
- Pete!

1255
00:50:17,496 --> 00:50:18,628
Do it for Dad!

1256
00:50:18,630 --> 00:50:19,728
Come on!

1257
00:50:19,730 --> 00:50:21,630
Babe, give me the gun!

1258
00:50:21,632 --> 00:50:23,368
- Shit!
- Go, go, go!

1259
00:50:24,136 --> 00:50:25,936
Let go of the fucking gun!

1260
00:50:25,938 --> 00:50:27,306
Stop!

1261
00:50:29,741 --> 00:50:30,907
Roland, we got it!

1262
00:50:30,909 --> 00:50:33,476
We got the car!

1263
00:50:33,478 --> 00:50:34,645
(GROANS)

1264
00:50:34,647 --> 00:50:35,648
Stop!

1265
00:50:37,616 --> 00:50:38,949
MAN: Oh, shit.

1266
00:50:38,951 --> 00:50:40,016
God!

1267
00:50:40,018 --> 00:50:41,116
What was that?

1268
00:50:41,118 --> 00:50:43,121
I think it was a person.

1269
00:50:43,989 --> 00:50:45,121
Roland!

1270
00:50:45,123 --> 00:50:46,590
Oh, my God, you killed Dad!

1271
00:50:46,592 --> 00:50:47,824
- Roland!
- Dad!

1272
00:50:47,826 --> 00:50:49,328
Dial 911!

1273
00:50:52,764 --> 00:50:54,665
So, I guess Dad's a bad guy.

1274
00:50:54,667 --> 00:50:56,134
Oh, yeah.

1275
00:50:58,069 --> 00:51:00,704
I understand
how Luke Skywalker felt now.

1276
00:51:00,706 --> 00:51:03,172
Yeah, seriously.

1277
00:51:03,174 --> 00:51:05,377
She's really beautiful.

1278
00:51:06,377 --> 00:51:08,878
KYLE: She looks great here.

1279
00:51:08,880 --> 00:51:10,146
Glowing.

1280
00:51:10,148 --> 00:51:12,583
Roland even looks good.
Who's this?

1281
00:51:12,585 --> 00:51:16,088
Who's this guy
with the scratched out face?

1282
00:51:18,857 --> 00:51:20,456
Excuse me, Doc.

1283
00:51:20,458 --> 00:51:22,692
Doc, any word?

1284
00:51:22,694 --> 00:51:25,929
Well, the good news is that
he's in stable condition.

1285
00:51:25,931 --> 00:51:27,096
- Great!
- Okay. All right.

1286
00:51:27,098 --> 00:51:28,364
The bad news, however,

1287
00:51:28,366 --> 00:51:30,366
is that his blood
is AB positive.

1288
00:51:30,368 --> 00:51:31,800
What? That doesn't sound...

1289
00:51:31,802 --> 00:51:33,003
No, no, it's just that

1290
00:51:33,005 --> 00:51:35,172
the blood you gave
is O negative.

1291
00:51:35,174 --> 00:51:38,541
Negative? Mine is?

1292
00:51:38,543 --> 00:51:41,043
It means that, uh,

1293
00:51:41,045 --> 00:51:43,112
he can't be our father.

1294
00:51:43,114 --> 00:51:44,880
Genetically.

1295
00:51:44,882 --> 00:51:47,986
DOCTOR: You can go in
and see him if you like.

1296
00:51:48,819 --> 00:51:50,121
Thank you.

1297
00:51:54,427 --> 00:51:58,226
You're awake.
How you doing there, champ?

1298
00:51:58,228 --> 00:52:00,096
Mmm, feeling no pain.

1299
00:52:00,098 --> 00:52:01,299
Yeah.

1300
00:52:02,067 --> 00:52:04,101
Sorry we ran over you.

1301
00:52:04,103 --> 00:52:06,637
And sorry
you're going to jail.

1302
00:52:06,639 --> 00:52:08,605
Be good to get off
the hamster wheel.

1303
00:52:08,607 --> 00:52:09,706
KYLE: I hear ya.

1304
00:52:09,708 --> 00:52:11,210
PETER: Hey, Roland,
let me ask you something.

1305
00:52:12,810 --> 00:52:15,177
When did you know

1306
00:52:15,179 --> 00:52:16,514
that we weren't yours?

1307
00:52:17,583 --> 00:52:18,782
I don't know,

1308
00:52:18,784 --> 00:52:20,817
like, two minutes ago
when the doc told me.

1309
00:52:20,819 --> 00:52:22,152
PETER: Unbelievable.

1310
00:52:22,154 --> 00:52:23,353
So, as far as you knew,

1311
00:52:23,355 --> 00:52:25,621
you were intentionally duping

1312
00:52:25,623 --> 00:52:28,692
your own sons into
committing a felony?

1313
00:52:28,694 --> 00:52:30,027
Yeah. So? Whatever.

1314
00:52:30,029 --> 00:52:32,429
Don't be such
a fucking pussy about it.

1315
00:52:32,431 --> 00:52:36,264
My dad was an asshole, too.
He ran out, he was a crook.

1316
00:52:36,266 --> 00:52:37,933
Life sucks. Life is hard.

1317
00:52:37,935 --> 00:52:39,069
Get over it.

1318
00:52:39,071 --> 00:52:41,971
Life is hard, Pete.

1319
00:52:41,973 --> 00:52:44,907
Wait a minute. You know what?

1320
00:52:44,909 --> 00:52:48,677
Fuck! I should've known
you guys weren't mine.

1321
00:52:48,679 --> 00:52:49,980
'75 you said, right?

1322
00:52:49,982 --> 00:52:51,547
Spring of '75?

1323
00:52:51,549 --> 00:52:52,849
Right.

1324
00:52:52,851 --> 00:52:55,351
I started dating Lenny in '74.

1325
00:52:55,353 --> 00:52:56,853
By the spring of '75,

1326
00:52:56,855 --> 00:52:59,590
I was doing
my first stint in the joint.

1327
00:52:59,592 --> 00:53:01,791
I got busted dealing coke
in this nightclub

1328
00:53:01,793 --> 00:53:04,194
by some fucking disco-permed,

1329
00:53:04,196 --> 00:53:06,195
roller-skating,
motherfucking narc.

1330
00:53:06,197 --> 00:53:07,400
KYLE: Wait.

1331
00:53:09,368 --> 00:53:10,599
You mean this guy.

1332
00:53:10,601 --> 00:53:12,402
ROLAND: Yeah. That's the guy.

1333
00:53:12,404 --> 00:53:14,471
I don't know what pissed me
off more, he put me in jail

1334
00:53:14,473 --> 00:53:16,438
or he started
schtupping your mom

1335
00:53:16,440 --> 00:53:18,208
the second I was behind bars.

1336
00:53:18,210 --> 00:53:20,710
This guy was schtupping
our mother?

1337
00:53:20,712 --> 00:53:22,415
Hey. (SIGHS)

1338
00:53:23,281 --> 00:53:26,016
That guy is your fucking dad.

1339
00:53:26,018 --> 00:53:29,085
I should've known. You look
like a couple of junior narcs.

1340
00:53:29,087 --> 00:53:31,320
Well, do you have a name?

1341
00:53:31,322 --> 00:53:33,023
Give me 1,000 bucks
and I'll tell you.

1342
00:53:33,025 --> 00:53:34,791
- Fuck you! Come on, Kyle.
- Pete...

1343
00:53:34,793 --> 00:53:36,626
Okay, nice meeting you.

1344
00:53:36,628 --> 00:53:37,763
Roland...

1345
00:53:41,967 --> 00:53:44,400
Would you take $400?

1346
00:53:44,402 --> 00:53:46,335
- Sparkly P?
- KYLE: Yup.

1347
00:53:46,337 --> 00:53:51,340
You just paid Roland
$1,000 for the name Sparkly P!

1348
00:53:51,342 --> 00:53:52,942
You got conned, Kyle!

1349
00:53:52,944 --> 00:53:55,712
I paid him $680
and I had $1,000.

1350
00:53:55,714 --> 00:53:58,047
I conned him. Yeah!

1351
00:53:58,049 --> 00:54:00,583
And now I think we're ready
to make a little inquiry

1352
00:54:00,585 --> 00:54:02,853
into this Sparkly P character.

1353
00:54:02,855 --> 00:54:05,355
Yeah? Where? The white pages?

1354
00:54:05,357 --> 00:54:07,458
Huh? The glitter store?

1355
00:54:07,460 --> 00:54:10,226
Do you realize
how insane you sound?

1356
00:54:10,228 --> 00:54:12,329
We're going home!

1357
00:54:12,331 --> 00:54:13,862
KYLE: You're just
gonna give up?

1358
00:54:13,864 --> 00:54:15,498
We almost got killed!

1359
00:54:15,500 --> 00:54:18,467
We? Roland almost got killed.
What are you talking about?

1360
00:54:18,469 --> 00:54:20,670
We just had one of the best
adventures of our lives.

1361
00:54:20,672 --> 00:54:21,804
No, we didn't.

1362
00:54:21,806 --> 00:54:22,973
What happened to

1363
00:54:22,975 --> 00:54:25,275
Mr. "I won't rest
until we find our dad"?

1364
00:54:25,277 --> 00:54:27,476
The universe
doesn't like quitters, Pete.

1365
00:54:27,478 --> 00:54:29,978
You know what?
Fuck the universe!

1366
00:54:29,980 --> 00:54:31,648
The universe sucks!

1367
00:54:31,650 --> 00:54:33,083
Don't say that.

1368
00:54:33,085 --> 00:54:35,284
You realize this whole time
it's been telling us it's time

1369
00:54:35,286 --> 00:54:38,087
to shut down Operation
Who's Your Daddy?

1370
00:54:38,089 --> 00:54:39,790
That's a good name
for it, Pete.

1371
00:54:39,792 --> 00:54:43,626
That's a good name
for the quest.

1372
00:54:43,628 --> 00:54:47,529
But before we close the book
on Operation Who's Your Daddy,

1373
00:54:47,531 --> 00:54:48,831
let me say one thing, Pete...

1374
00:54:48,833 --> 00:54:51,902
It's too late.
Kyle, book is closed.

1375
00:54:51,904 --> 00:54:53,136
- That's it?
- Yup. That's it.

1376
00:54:53,138 --> 00:54:55,005
- You don't want to hear it?
- No!

1377
00:54:55,007 --> 00:54:57,940
I got us on the 10:00 p.m.
flight out of JFK.

1378
00:54:57,942 --> 00:54:59,411
That is what we're doing.

1379
00:55:00,578 --> 00:55:01,811
KYLE: Look at this poor guy.

1380
00:55:01,813 --> 00:55:04,212
No one will even give him
the time of day.

1381
00:55:04,214 --> 00:55:05,447
Well, we're not stopping.

1382
00:55:05,449 --> 00:55:06,583
We're not picking up
a hitchhiker.

1383
00:55:06,585 --> 00:55:08,585
What do you think
is gonna happen?

1384
00:55:08,587 --> 00:55:12,188
You think he's gonna just
murder you, rob you, rape you?

1385
00:55:12,190 --> 00:55:13,523
Yeah. All three.

1386
00:55:13,525 --> 00:55:15,791
Okay, all of the above.
Look at him.

1387
00:55:15,793 --> 00:55:17,561
I am looking at him.

1388
00:55:17,563 --> 00:55:19,663
You know somebody
your whole life,

1389
00:55:19,665 --> 00:55:21,598
and then you wake up
and you realize

1390
00:55:21,600 --> 00:55:23,699
you've been
lying next to a racist.

1391
00:55:23,701 --> 00:55:25,534
What?
It's not 'cause he's black.

1392
00:55:25,536 --> 00:55:27,103
It's 'cause he's a stranger

1393
00:55:27,105 --> 00:55:28,538
and a hitchhiker

1394
00:55:28,540 --> 00:55:30,974
and could very easily
be a serial killer.

1395
00:55:30,976 --> 00:55:34,677
There are
no black serial killers, Pete.

1396
00:55:34,679 --> 00:55:35,846
That's a fact.

1397
00:55:35,848 --> 00:55:37,480
PETER: Just don't make
eye contact, please?

1398
00:55:37,482 --> 00:55:39,382
Because then
I'll have to pull over,

1399
00:55:39,384 --> 00:55:40,951
and it'll be awkward

1400
00:55:40,953 --> 00:55:43,286
and we'll have to give him
a ride and all that. Just...

1401
00:55:43,288 --> 00:55:45,788
You're looking
in his direction.

1402
00:55:45,790 --> 00:55:46,956
I'm not looking.

1403
00:55:46,958 --> 00:55:48,558
PETER: You're totally
turning your head.

1404
00:55:48,560 --> 00:55:50,192
- My eyes are wandering.
- PETER: I'm watching you.

1405
00:55:50,194 --> 00:55:51,694
Look this way.

1406
00:55:51,696 --> 00:55:53,429
- KYLE: Pete, I'm not looking.
- Look out the left.

1407
00:55:53,431 --> 00:55:54,563
You're totally
looking right at him.

1408
00:55:54,565 --> 00:55:55,833
KYLE: My peripheral vision.

1409
00:55:56,868 --> 00:55:58,936
Oh, God damn it!

1410
00:55:58,938 --> 00:56:00,402
What? I didn't look at him!

1411
00:56:00,404 --> 00:56:02,640
- Ah, he got me.
- KYLE: What?

1412
00:56:03,875 --> 00:56:06,541
(GRUNTS) I blew it.
That one's on me.

1413
00:56:06,543 --> 00:56:08,011
- KYLE: You made eye contact?
- PETER: Yeah.

1414
00:56:08,013 --> 00:56:09,212
Shit.

1415
00:56:09,214 --> 00:56:10,445
We're still not
picking him up,

1416
00:56:10,447 --> 00:56:11,980
so let him down easy.

1417
00:56:11,982 --> 00:56:13,215
Hey, how you doing?

1418
00:56:13,217 --> 00:56:15,217
You stopped. Thank you.

1419
00:56:15,219 --> 00:56:16,853
Thank you. Thank you both.

1420
00:56:16,855 --> 00:56:18,322
- You're welcome.
- Thank you so much.

1421
00:56:18,324 --> 00:56:19,456
Even if you don't
give me ride,

1422
00:56:19,458 --> 00:56:21,558
thank you just for stopping.

1423
00:56:21,560 --> 00:56:22,858
I was beginning to think

1424
00:56:22,860 --> 00:56:24,360
black was the new
invisible out here.

1425
00:56:24,362 --> 00:56:26,262
You know what I mean?
The gesture means a lot.

1426
00:56:26,264 --> 00:56:27,663
Where are you headed?

1427
00:56:27,665 --> 00:56:29,433
North. Worcester, Mass.

1428
00:56:29,435 --> 00:56:31,668
Just trying to get to my kid's
birthday tomorrow.

1429
00:56:31,670 --> 00:56:33,936
We're really sorry.
We're going south.

1430
00:56:33,938 --> 00:56:36,304
We're going to JFK, so...

1431
00:56:36,306 --> 00:56:37,440
How about this?

1432
00:56:37,442 --> 00:56:38,842
There's a train station,

1433
00:56:38,844 --> 00:56:40,976
it's like two miles south.
You take me there?

1434
00:56:40,978 --> 00:56:42,110
Now, I don't see why...

1435
00:56:42,112 --> 00:56:43,346
Are you fucking crazy?

1436
00:56:43,348 --> 00:56:45,482
I'm gonna have to ask you...

1437
00:56:45,484 --> 00:56:47,016
We got a Nervous Nelly here.

1438
00:56:47,018 --> 00:56:49,652
So I know this is gonna sound
like a funny question,

1439
00:56:49,654 --> 00:56:51,656
but are you a serial killer?

1440
00:56:53,357 --> 00:56:54,724
No. No.

1441
00:56:54,726 --> 00:56:56,626
I get it. There's a lot of
nuts out there.

1442
00:56:56,628 --> 00:56:58,994
I am a stranger,
I am a hitchhiker...

1443
00:56:58,996 --> 00:57:00,329
Satisfied?

1444
00:57:00,331 --> 00:57:04,366
...but I swear to you,
I am not a serial killer.

1445
00:57:04,368 --> 00:57:06,436
- Hmm...
- Well, did you notice how you

1446
00:57:06,438 --> 00:57:07,637
emphasized the word "serial,"

1447
00:57:07,639 --> 00:57:10,005
which makes it sound like

1448
00:57:10,007 --> 00:57:13,842
you're a killer,
just not a serial one.

1449
00:57:13,844 --> 00:57:14,978
Oh, man, okay.

1450
00:57:14,980 --> 00:57:17,145
Now that was
totally unintentional.

1451
00:57:17,147 --> 00:57:18,413
I promise you that.

1452
00:57:18,415 --> 00:57:19,882
Didn't mean that.

1453
00:57:19,884 --> 00:57:21,650
But you're still not saying,
"I'm not a killer."

1454
00:57:21,652 --> 00:57:25,323
It seems like that's what
a non-killer would say.

1455
00:57:26,023 --> 00:57:28,358
I'm an idiot, man. Idiot!

1456
00:57:28,360 --> 00:57:29,958
I've been
a non-killer too long

1457
00:57:29,960 --> 00:57:31,594
to not know
the non-killer rules.

1458
00:57:31,596 --> 00:57:33,395
You know what I mean?

1459
00:57:33,397 --> 00:57:35,563
How about this?
We'll give you a ride...

1460
00:57:35,565 --> 00:57:36,965
Are you fucking crazy?

1461
00:57:36,967 --> 00:57:38,067
Let me finish, Pete.

1462
00:57:38,069 --> 00:57:40,402
We can give you
a ride to the station,

1463
00:57:40,404 --> 00:57:41,637
but, and this is
a pretty big but,

1464
00:57:41,639 --> 00:57:43,340
only if we can tie you up.

1465
00:57:43,342 --> 00:57:44,974
That way you can't rape

1466
00:57:44,976 --> 00:57:48,614
or kill or murder
Mr. Paranoia here.

1467
00:57:54,118 --> 00:57:55,321
Uh...

1468
00:57:58,089 --> 00:57:59,322
KYLE: You okay?

1469
00:57:59,324 --> 00:58:00,456
Those aren't too tight,
are they?

1470
00:58:00,458 --> 00:58:02,458
Almost kill you.
Can't kill you.

1471
00:58:02,460 --> 00:58:04,360
(CHUCKLING)

1472
00:58:04,362 --> 00:58:05,862
KYLE: Don't even joke around

1473
00:58:05,864 --> 00:58:07,029
with our driver.

1474
00:58:07,031 --> 00:58:08,197
Sorry to interrupt.

1475
00:58:08,199 --> 00:58:09,699
I'm still not getting
a phone signal here.

1476
00:58:09,701 --> 00:58:11,733
Are you sure there's
a train station this way?

1477
00:58:11,735 --> 00:58:14,137
100%. I grew up one town over.

1478
00:58:14,139 --> 00:58:16,739
I used to play ice hockey
at the rink across the street.

1479
00:58:16,741 --> 00:58:18,907
Just make a left up there.

1480
00:58:18,909 --> 00:58:20,946
PETER: I don't see
street signs.

1481
00:58:22,346 --> 00:58:24,114
We are fucked.

1482
00:58:24,116 --> 00:58:25,415
Fucked!

1483
00:58:25,417 --> 00:58:26,782
We're gonna miss our flight.

1484
00:58:26,784 --> 00:58:28,016
- Take it easy, Pete.
- Do you realize that?

1485
00:58:28,018 --> 00:58:29,619
Okay, then we'll catch
another one.

1486
00:58:29,621 --> 00:58:31,253
Okay? It's not a big deal.

1487
00:58:31,255 --> 00:58:35,391
Classic Kyle! Nothing's ever
a big deal. Must be nice.

1488
00:58:35,393 --> 00:58:39,496
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I am sensing
a very disturbing vibe here.

1489
00:58:39,498 --> 00:58:41,663
Pete, are you mad at your
brother about something?

1490
00:58:41,665 --> 00:58:44,634
Yes! I'm mad!
And it's probably obvious.

1491
00:58:44,636 --> 00:58:48,103
There's like a rage pulsing
through his entire body.

1492
00:58:48,105 --> 00:58:49,971
Classic Pete right here.

1493
00:58:49,973 --> 00:58:52,507
Luckily, I'm sort of
the Pete whisperer.

1494
00:58:52,509 --> 00:58:55,378
I always know
how to calm this guy down.

1495
00:58:55,380 --> 00:58:56,512
- Ah...
- HITCHHIKER: Good.

1496
00:58:56,514 --> 00:58:58,447
Let me turn on a little music

1497
00:58:58,449 --> 00:59:01,384
and just lullaby you
into just relaxing.

1498
00:59:01,386 --> 00:59:02,884
- PETER: Wow.
- KYLE: There.

1499
00:59:02,886 --> 00:59:07,090
A, please don't patronize me
and B, no music, okay?

1500
00:59:07,092 --> 00:59:08,625
I just need
to focus right now.

1501
00:59:08,627 --> 00:59:11,161
Well, I think music
will help you guys relax.

1502
00:59:11,163 --> 00:59:12,728
- (SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
- Makes a great point.

1503
00:59:12,730 --> 00:59:14,431
You can't focus
if you're too tense, Pete.

1504
00:59:14,433 --> 00:59:15,833
I just need it quiet, okay?

1505
00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:17,603
(MUSIC STOPS)

1506
00:59:18,402 --> 00:59:19,469
(MUSIC PLAYING)

1507
00:59:19,471 --> 00:59:20,570
(MUSIC STOPS)

1508
00:59:20,572 --> 00:59:22,204
What are you, 10?

1509
00:59:22,206 --> 00:59:23,739
Can't you just
listen to music?

1510
00:59:23,741 --> 00:59:26,875
No! I don't want
to listen to music.

1511
00:59:26,877 --> 00:59:28,080
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- (MUSIC STOPS)

1512
00:59:29,112 --> 00:59:30,313
(MUSIC PLAYING)

1513
00:59:30,315 --> 00:59:31,650
(VOLUME INCREASES)

1514
00:59:32,482 --> 00:59:33,949
(TIRES SCREECH)

1515
00:59:33,951 --> 00:59:36,421
Enough with the
fucking radio, Kyle!

1516
00:59:37,388 --> 00:59:38,790
(KEYS CLINKING)

1517
00:59:39,456 --> 00:59:40,824
Oh, that was...

1518
00:59:40,826 --> 00:59:43,291
That was brilliant.
Go get 'em, you idiot.

1519
00:59:43,293 --> 00:59:44,626
I'm not gonna go get 'em.

1520
00:59:44,628 --> 00:59:46,262
Untie me, I'll go get 'em.

1521
00:59:46,264 --> 00:59:47,764
We're not gonna get the keys

1522
00:59:47,766 --> 00:59:50,233
until you tell me what
your problem is with me.

1523
00:59:50,235 --> 00:59:51,467
We're going to be here a while

1524
00:59:51,469 --> 00:59:53,203
because I have a million
problems with you.

1525
00:59:53,205 --> 00:59:55,572
- Like what?
- Yeah. Elaborate, Pete.

1526
00:59:55,574 --> 01:00:00,309
All you've ever done is rub
your amazing life in my face.

1527
01:00:00,311 --> 01:00:02,645
Your trophies and your friends

1528
01:00:02,647 --> 01:00:05,415
and your black Amex
and your sunsets.

1529
01:00:05,417 --> 01:00:07,516
Sorry for sending you sunsets.

1530
01:00:07,518 --> 01:00:09,117
I love sunsets.

1531
01:00:09,119 --> 01:00:10,152
Growing up was literally

1532
01:00:10,154 --> 01:00:11,520
like watching
The Kyle Reynolds Show

1533
01:00:11,522 --> 01:00:13,155
24 hours a day.

1534
01:00:13,157 --> 01:00:14,357
Girls just liked you more.

1535
01:00:14,359 --> 01:00:16,259
Pete, I thought you liked
hearing about my hook-ups

1536
01:00:16,261 --> 01:00:19,228
the same way I liked hearing
about your hook-ups.

1537
01:00:19,230 --> 01:00:20,596
What hook-ups?

1538
01:00:20,598 --> 01:00:21,931
The girl you went out with
in ninth grade.

1539
01:00:21,933 --> 01:00:23,866
Remember her, with the
glasses and the bad skin?

1540
01:00:23,868 --> 01:00:25,168
- Pamela Hartley.
- Yes!

1541
01:00:25,170 --> 01:00:27,003
Yeah, she only dated me
to get to you.

1542
01:00:27,005 --> 01:00:29,038
And guess what? The second
her skin cleared up,

1543
01:00:29,040 --> 01:00:30,038
he banged her.

1544
01:00:30,040 --> 01:00:32,041
Not cool, Kyle.
I'm Team Peter.

1545
01:00:32,043 --> 01:00:33,442
You even had
the balls to come home

1546
01:00:33,444 --> 01:00:34,476
and brag about
how you nailed her

1547
01:00:34,478 --> 01:00:35,710
in the back of a Papa John's.

1548
01:00:35,712 --> 01:00:36,913
That girl that
I messed around with

1549
01:00:36,915 --> 01:00:38,581
at Papa John's
didn't even wear glasses.

1550
01:00:38,583 --> 01:00:40,315
Mistaken identity.
Back on Team Kyle.

1551
01:00:40,317 --> 01:00:41,483
PETER: Guess what?

1552
01:00:41,485 --> 01:00:43,119
Junior year, she got contacts

1553
01:00:43,121 --> 01:00:44,887
and her skin cleared up
and you banged her

1554
01:00:44,889 --> 01:00:47,857
right after having a sausage
lover's pizza, apparently.

1555
01:00:47,859 --> 01:00:49,625
"This chick loves
sausage, Pete."

1556
01:00:49,627 --> 01:00:50,893
I don't remember that.

1557
01:00:50,895 --> 01:00:52,795
If I have to hear
about your goddamn

1558
01:00:52,797 --> 01:00:55,197
barbeque sauce fortune
one more time.

1559
01:00:55,199 --> 01:00:58,233
The picture on the bottles
could be literally anybody!

1560
01:00:58,235 --> 01:01:01,203
And you've lucked out
your entire life.

1561
01:01:01,205 --> 01:01:02,237
The way you've lived,

1562
01:01:02,239 --> 01:01:03,706
you should be broke
and homeless,

1563
01:01:03,708 --> 01:01:06,141
not chillaxing on a beach

1564
01:01:06,143 --> 01:01:08,777
with your perfect girlfriend
and your perfect house

1565
01:01:08,779 --> 01:01:10,547
and your soon-to-be
perfect family!

1566
01:01:10,549 --> 01:01:11,848
Fuck you!

1567
01:01:11,850 --> 01:01:14,050
Stop blaming me
for everything.

1568
01:01:14,052 --> 01:01:17,219
You know, just because you
think your life sucks. Okay?

1569
01:01:17,221 --> 01:01:18,554
Take some responsibility

1570
01:01:18,556 --> 01:01:20,088
for some of the
decisions you made.

1571
01:01:20,090 --> 01:01:21,857
You decide to
go ahead and marry

1572
01:01:21,859 --> 01:01:23,393
the first girl
you ever mess around with,

1573
01:01:23,395 --> 01:01:25,962
and then, big shocker,
it doesn't work out?

1574
01:01:25,964 --> 01:01:28,498
You decide to look at
assholes for a living.

1575
01:01:28,500 --> 01:01:30,032
That's my fault?

1576
01:01:30,034 --> 01:01:32,701
Spent your whole life
trying to impress a dead guy.

1577
01:01:32,703 --> 01:01:35,538
It's not my fault.
It's your fault.

1578
01:01:35,540 --> 01:01:37,040
In fact, maybe if you tried

1579
01:01:37,042 --> 01:01:38,741
to be like me
a little bit more,

1580
01:01:38,743 --> 01:01:40,775
you wouldn't be
such a miserable dick!

1581
01:01:40,777 --> 01:01:42,580
And your son
wouldn't hate you!

1582
01:01:44,348 --> 01:01:45,447
(GROANS)

1583
01:01:45,449 --> 01:01:47,949
God damn it.

1584
01:01:47,951 --> 01:01:51,020
(GROANS) God damn it!
You broke my glasses.

1585
01:01:51,022 --> 01:01:52,188
Fuck!

1586
01:01:52,190 --> 01:01:53,588
Guys, use your words.

1587
01:01:53,590 --> 01:01:55,157
Fuck you, Kyle!

1588
01:01:55,159 --> 01:01:56,326
I hate conflict.

1589
01:01:56,328 --> 01:01:57,960
PETER: Fuck you!

1590
01:01:57,962 --> 01:01:59,195
Asshole!

1591
01:01:59,197 --> 01:02:03,232
Hey, guys, my Negro
spider senses is tingling.

1592
01:02:03,234 --> 01:02:04,800
(BELL DINGING)

1593
01:02:04,802 --> 01:02:08,038
I think we may be
on a choo-choo track.

1594
01:02:08,040 --> 01:02:10,172
PETER: While you were lying on
a beach in Maui, I was home,

1595
01:02:10,174 --> 01:02:11,474
taking care of Mom!

1596
01:02:11,476 --> 01:02:13,175
I don't like this.

1597
01:02:13,177 --> 01:02:15,244
Yup, that is definitely
a choo-choo train.

1598
01:02:15,246 --> 01:02:16,980
Mom is an independent
vibrant sexual woman!

1599
01:02:16,982 --> 01:02:18,081
Okay.

1600
01:02:18,083 --> 01:02:20,550
KYLE: Stop taking care
of people!

1601
01:02:20,552 --> 01:02:22,384
It's not the soul train, guys.

1602
01:02:22,386 --> 01:02:25,387
You want to stop fighting
and look out the window...

1603
01:02:25,389 --> 01:02:28,525
Motherfuckers, we're on the
motherfucking railroad tracks!

1604
01:02:28,527 --> 01:02:30,659
- There's a train coming!
- (TRAIN HONKING)

1605
01:02:30,661 --> 01:02:33,262
There is a train!

1606
01:02:33,264 --> 01:02:34,762
Get me off the tracks!

1607
01:02:34,764 --> 01:02:36,232
Train. Pete, get out!

1608
01:02:36,234 --> 01:02:37,703
Help! Now!

1609
01:02:38,837 --> 01:02:40,339
- Get out!
- (HONKING INTENSIFIES)

1610
01:02:41,572 --> 01:02:42,773
My seatbelt!

1611
01:02:49,114 --> 01:02:50,349
Kyle!

1612
01:02:59,424 --> 01:03:00,692
Kyle!

1613
01:03:01,293 --> 01:03:02,628
(SOBBING)

1614
01:03:11,969 --> 01:03:13,371
(CONTINUES SOBBING)

1615
01:03:24,683 --> 01:03:25,884
KYLE: Pete!

1616
01:03:28,185 --> 01:03:29,286
Pete!

1617
01:03:32,491 --> 01:03:33,859
PETER: Kyle!

1618
01:03:35,293 --> 01:03:36,795
Pete!

1619
01:03:38,163 --> 01:03:40,496
Kyle!

1620
01:03:40,498 --> 01:03:41,766
Pete!

1621
01:03:43,368 --> 01:03:45,670
Yes!

1622
01:03:53,744 --> 01:03:55,147
Yeah!

1623
01:04:22,607 --> 01:04:23,809
(PETER GROANS)

1624
01:04:28,513 --> 01:04:30,012
KYLE: No. They're literally

1625
01:04:30,014 --> 01:04:32,315
replacing me
with a monkey or a seal,

1626
01:04:32,317 --> 01:04:33,549
some kind of animal.

1627
01:04:33,551 --> 01:04:35,884
Because apparently animals
don't get residuals.

1628
01:04:35,886 --> 01:04:38,823
A monkey can't do your job.

1629
01:04:41,192 --> 01:04:43,391
How much do you have left?

1630
01:04:43,393 --> 01:04:45,462
Not as much as I owe.

1631
01:04:45,464 --> 01:04:47,764
Yeah, I'll probably
have a repo man

1632
01:04:47,766 --> 01:04:50,965
showing up at my house
in a few weeks.

1633
01:04:50,967 --> 01:04:53,038
Take my Ferraris back.

1634
01:04:53,804 --> 01:04:55,804
Ferraris, plural?

1635
01:04:55,806 --> 01:04:57,109
Three.

1636
01:04:58,442 --> 01:05:02,177
- You are incorrigible.
- (CHUCKLING)

1637
01:05:02,179 --> 01:05:05,880
I'm just an idiot, Pete.
You said so yourself.

1638
01:05:05,882 --> 01:05:08,217
You're not an idiot, Kyle.

1639
01:05:08,219 --> 01:05:10,422
You're not, you're just...

1640
01:05:10,855 --> 01:05:11,954
What?

1641
01:05:11,956 --> 01:05:13,989
You're overly optimistic.

1642
01:05:13,991 --> 01:05:15,123
That's all.

1643
01:05:15,125 --> 01:05:17,995
That's a nice way to put it.

1644
01:05:18,795 --> 01:05:19,929
Well, I don't know.

1645
01:05:19,931 --> 01:05:22,199
Who am I kidding?

1646
01:05:23,268 --> 01:05:24,699
I honestly started thinking

1647
01:05:24,701 --> 01:05:26,001
that Kaylani and our kid

1648
01:05:26,003 --> 01:05:27,770
would be better off
without me.

1649
01:05:27,772 --> 01:05:30,105
Maybe I ought to
just bail now.

1650
01:05:30,107 --> 01:05:33,442
For their sake because then,
maybe, Kaylani

1651
01:05:33,444 --> 01:05:36,445
could tell the kid a cool
story the way Mom did.

1652
01:05:36,447 --> 01:05:41,583
"Yeah, your dad was base
jumping into a volcano

1653
01:05:41,585 --> 01:05:43,853
"and the lava got him."

1654
01:05:43,855 --> 01:05:47,058
Or I was a brilliant doctor,
like you.

1655
01:05:48,560 --> 01:05:52,464
You have the kindest heart of
anyone I have ever met.

1656
01:05:55,632 --> 01:05:59,034
And a little while ago,
I thought I lost you forever,

1657
01:05:59,036 --> 01:06:03,507
and it was the worst feeling
I've ever felt.

1658
01:06:05,109 --> 01:06:07,846
No one's better off
without you, Kyle.

1659
01:06:08,746 --> 01:06:11,313
You're gonna be a great dad.

1660
01:06:11,315 --> 01:06:15,420
You know how you were always
asking Mom about Dad?

1661
01:06:16,920 --> 01:06:20,255
I wasn't that curious.

1662
01:06:20,257 --> 01:06:22,526
I think because I had you.

1663
01:06:23,261 --> 01:06:24,527
What?

1664
01:06:24,529 --> 01:06:27,697
Yeah, I had a lot of friends
and girlfriends

1665
01:06:27,699 --> 01:06:29,098
and people that love me

1666
01:06:29,100 --> 01:06:30,866
because I'm, kind of,
you know,

1667
01:06:30,868 --> 01:06:32,902
bon vivant, a raconteur,

1668
01:06:32,904 --> 01:06:35,103
or whatever you want to say.

1669
01:06:35,105 --> 01:06:37,973
But you never thought
I was any of those things,

1670
01:06:37,975 --> 01:06:40,076
but you were still there.

1671
01:06:40,078 --> 01:06:41,476
Getting on me.

1672
01:06:41,478 --> 01:06:44,012
"Hey! Don't jump off the roof
into the pool.

1673
01:06:44,014 --> 01:06:45,480
"You'll break your neck.

1674
01:06:45,482 --> 01:06:48,085
"Here, let me show you
how to tie your tie."

1675
01:06:49,018 --> 01:06:50,819
Always kind of thought

1676
01:06:50,821 --> 01:06:53,525
that was the type of stuff
our dad would've been saying.

1677
01:06:56,793 --> 01:06:58,895
I'm sorry about your glasses.

1678
01:06:58,897 --> 01:07:00,061
Don't be.

1679
01:07:00,063 --> 01:07:01,963
I don't need them.

1680
01:07:01,965 --> 01:07:03,165
What do you mean?

1681
01:07:03,167 --> 01:07:05,867
I don't need glasses.

1682
01:07:05,869 --> 01:07:08,005
I have 20/20 vision.

1683
01:07:08,639 --> 01:07:09,871
What?

1684
01:07:09,873 --> 01:07:11,239
Yeah, I just had this image

1685
01:07:11,241 --> 01:07:13,007
of who I thought I should be

1686
01:07:13,009 --> 01:07:15,844
and glasses fit the bill.

1687
01:07:15,846 --> 01:07:17,145
There you go.

1688
01:07:17,147 --> 01:07:20,148
That's why you're brilliant.

1689
01:07:20,150 --> 01:07:22,884
Why did I wear glasses
for 20 years?

1690
01:07:22,886 --> 01:07:25,020
KYLE: Because you're an idiot.

1691
01:07:25,022 --> 01:07:26,855
I'm a fucking idiot.

1692
01:07:26,857 --> 01:07:29,592
I'm a big dumb idiot.

1693
01:07:29,594 --> 01:07:32,228
Boom! That's right.

1694
01:07:32,230 --> 01:07:34,197
"Oh, my God! I'm still alive!"

1695
01:07:34,199 --> 01:07:36,764
And that's basically
how it all went.

1696
01:07:36,766 --> 01:07:39,869
It's crazy. This is one night
we're talking about.

1697
01:07:39,871 --> 01:07:40,869
Yeah.

1698
01:07:40,871 --> 01:07:41,936
Yeah.

1699
01:07:41,938 --> 01:07:43,405
I guess we missed our flight.

1700
01:07:43,407 --> 01:07:45,875
You want to check
and see when the next one is?

1701
01:07:45,877 --> 01:07:47,112
Nope.

1702
01:07:49,047 --> 01:07:50,712
I feel

1703
01:07:50,714 --> 01:07:53,014
very confident
that the universe

1704
01:07:53,016 --> 01:07:56,284
is telling us to proceed

1705
01:07:56,286 --> 01:07:58,152
with Operation
Who's Your Daddy.

1706
01:07:58,154 --> 01:07:59,887
Are you messing with me?

1707
01:07:59,889 --> 01:08:01,324
We started
this goddamn mission

1708
01:08:01,326 --> 01:08:02,592
to find our father together,

1709
01:08:02,594 --> 01:08:04,592
and we are gonna
finish it together.

1710
01:08:04,594 --> 01:08:05,927
Come hell or high water.

1711
01:08:05,929 --> 01:08:08,198
God damn it,
that's the spirit!

1712
01:08:10,034 --> 01:08:12,099
Let's do this!

1713
01:08:12,101 --> 01:08:13,268
PETER: We're going in!

1714
01:08:13,270 --> 01:08:14,636
KYLE: We're going in!

1715
01:08:14,638 --> 01:08:17,238
PETER: This is happening!

1716
01:08:17,240 --> 01:08:19,241
PETER: Thank you
for driving all the way

1717
01:08:19,243 --> 01:08:20,775
out here with the new rental.

1718
01:08:20,777 --> 01:08:22,310
Appreciate it.

1719
01:08:22,312 --> 01:08:24,279
OFFICER 1: Okay, guys,
I think these might be yours?

1720
01:08:24,281 --> 01:08:25,980
Yes, sir. Thank you.

1721
01:08:25,982 --> 01:08:27,449
All right.

1722
01:08:27,451 --> 01:08:29,051
That's gonna be one big
fucking insurance mess.

1723
01:08:29,053 --> 01:08:31,219
But we got everything we need,

1724
01:08:31,221 --> 01:08:32,654
so you're free to go.

1725
01:08:32,656 --> 01:08:33,922
Thanks a lot, officers.

1726
01:08:33,924 --> 01:08:35,056
It's no problem.

1727
01:08:35,058 --> 01:08:37,193
Really appreciate it.

1728
01:08:37,195 --> 01:08:40,061
What now?
How do we find Sparkly P?

1729
01:08:40,063 --> 01:08:41,530
- Leg work.
- Yes.

1730
01:08:41,532 --> 01:08:44,535
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you just say "Sparkly P"?

1731
01:08:45,602 --> 01:08:46,702
Yeah.

1732
01:08:46,704 --> 01:08:48,637
- The police officer...
- From the '70s?

1733
01:08:48,639 --> 01:08:49,704
Yeah.

1734
01:08:49,706 --> 01:08:50,805
You've heard of him?

1735
01:08:50,807 --> 01:08:52,140
Are you kidding me?

1736
01:08:52,142 --> 01:08:54,042
There's not a cop in the
whole state who hasn't.

1737
01:08:54,044 --> 01:08:55,277
OFFICER 2: Yeah.

1738
01:08:55,279 --> 01:08:58,680
Patrick O'Callaghan
aka Sparkly P.

1739
01:08:58,682 --> 01:09:01,117
Had one of the biggest
coke busts in history.

1740
01:09:01,119 --> 01:09:02,318
We spent like two weeks

1741
01:09:02,320 --> 01:09:03,752
studying him
back in the academy.

1742
01:09:03,754 --> 01:09:05,054
The guy's a legend.

1743
01:09:05,056 --> 01:09:07,989
Holy shit, Pete.
We could be Irish.

1744
01:09:07,991 --> 01:09:09,292
Yes!

1745
01:09:09,294 --> 01:09:11,927
I'm Irish, too,
on my sister's side.

1746
01:09:11,929 --> 01:09:13,565
You know where to find him?

1747
01:09:16,700 --> 01:09:20,168
So, I just talked to my buddy
in the force

1748
01:09:20,170 --> 01:09:24,140
and apparently
Mr. Patrick O'Callaghan

1749
01:09:24,142 --> 01:09:27,476
retired the NYPD back in '86.

1750
01:09:27,478 --> 01:09:30,112
This right here
is his last known address.

1751
01:09:30,114 --> 01:09:31,313
If anyone comes asking,

1752
01:09:31,315 --> 01:09:33,116
I didn't tell you shit.

1753
01:09:33,118 --> 01:09:35,253
I'm trusting you with this.

1754
01:09:35,852 --> 01:09:38,153
Don't fuck me.

1755
01:09:38,155 --> 01:09:40,258
Not gonna fuck you.

1756
01:09:47,132 --> 01:09:48,333
What?

1757
01:09:50,834 --> 01:09:52,067
What?

1758
01:09:52,069 --> 01:09:54,002
- Guess where he lives?
- Where?

1759
01:09:54,004 --> 01:09:55,805
You're not gonna believe this.

1760
01:09:55,807 --> 01:09:57,575
Worcester, Mass.

1761
01:09:58,610 --> 01:09:59,808
Worcester, Mass!

1762
01:09:59,810 --> 01:10:01,245
You've been leading us
there the whole time!

1763
01:10:03,646 --> 01:10:07,149
KYLE: It's the universe, Pete.
The universe is magic!

1764
01:10:07,151 --> 01:10:09,016
HITCHHIKER: I'm magic.
I'm a magic man.

1765
01:10:09,018 --> 01:10:13,223
PETER: All right. Okay.
I guess we're all going home.

1766
01:10:15,293 --> 01:10:16,628
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

1767
01:10:20,565 --> 01:10:21,732
Well,

1768
01:10:23,433 --> 01:10:26,002
thanks for letting me keep
a little souvenir.

1769
01:10:26,004 --> 01:10:27,403
Sure.

1770
01:10:27,405 --> 01:10:30,206
This has been magnificent.
Thank you, guys.

1771
01:10:30,208 --> 01:10:32,207
I appreciate your assistance.

1772
01:10:32,209 --> 01:10:34,279
Have a good night.

1773
01:10:35,178 --> 01:10:36,413
KYLE: Hey!

1774
01:10:37,048 --> 01:10:38,180
Yeah?

1775
01:10:38,182 --> 01:10:39,916
We don't even know your name.

1776
01:10:39,918 --> 01:10:41,583
Oh, Kyle,

1777
01:10:41,585 --> 01:10:44,556
you've known it
the whole time.

1778
01:10:46,190 --> 01:10:48,189
That's beautiful.

1779
01:10:48,191 --> 01:10:49,757
I think he's messing with us.

1780
01:10:49,759 --> 01:10:50,960
No, he's not.

1781
01:10:50,962 --> 01:10:52,927
- Yeah, yeah.
- No.

1782
01:10:52,929 --> 01:10:54,499
He was messing with us.

1783
01:11:12,749 --> 01:11:14,015
PETER: Ding!

1784
01:11:14,017 --> 01:11:16,452
KYLE: May we get a room?

1785
01:11:16,454 --> 01:11:19,521
Your cheapest room, please.

1786
01:11:19,523 --> 01:11:22,526
(VERY QUIETLY) Well, every
room in here is cheap, so...

1787
01:11:24,695 --> 01:11:25,860
Sorry?

1788
01:11:25,862 --> 01:11:27,831
(VERY QUIETLY) Every room
in here is really cheap.

1789
01:11:30,767 --> 01:11:32,736
Okay. Here you go.

1790
01:11:33,905 --> 01:11:35,770
We're gonna nab one from ya.

1791
01:11:35,772 --> 01:11:39,107
(VERY QUIETLY)
So, just the one room?

1792
01:11:39,109 --> 01:11:40,311
Mmm-hmm.

1793
01:11:41,078 --> 01:11:42,577
One night?

1794
01:11:42,579 --> 01:11:43,714
Yeah.

1795
01:11:44,147 --> 01:11:45,350
Two beds.

1796
01:11:47,651 --> 01:11:49,717
Oh. Um...

1797
01:11:49,719 --> 01:11:52,854
Can we still get food
and drinks at the bar?

1798
01:11:52,856 --> 01:11:55,090
(VERY QUIETLY)
Right back there behind you.

1799
01:11:55,092 --> 01:11:57,391
Food for about another

1800
01:11:57,393 --> 01:12:00,697
10 minutes,
and drinks till 2:00.

1801
01:12:01,665 --> 01:12:02,930
Till, sorry?

1802
01:12:02,932 --> 01:12:04,666
Till 2:00.

1803
01:12:04,668 --> 01:12:06,801
You're going to have to
speak up, Biz Markie,

1804
01:12:06,803 --> 01:12:08,403
'cause I can't hear you.

1805
01:12:08,405 --> 01:12:09,871
(VERY QUIETLY)
For 10 more minutes,

1806
01:12:09,873 --> 01:12:11,442
and drinks until 2:00.

1807
01:12:16,614 --> 01:12:17,848
Okay.

1808
01:12:20,551 --> 01:12:23,284
Hey, do you remember

1809
01:12:23,286 --> 01:12:25,854
when Mom tried to
teach us about sex?

1810
01:12:25,856 --> 01:12:28,090
Yeah. (LAUGHING)

1811
01:12:28,092 --> 01:12:29,424
You had already Papa John'd

1812
01:12:29,426 --> 01:12:31,894
half the girls at school
at that point.

1813
01:12:31,896 --> 01:12:33,996
Turns out, we probably
should have listened to her.

1814
01:12:33,998 --> 01:12:35,296
Amen.

1815
01:12:35,298 --> 01:12:37,433
It's like we passed up
basketball tips

1816
01:12:37,435 --> 01:12:39,400
from Michael Jordan,
as it turns out.

1817
01:12:39,402 --> 01:12:40,969
We really did.

1818
01:12:40,971 --> 01:12:41,973
(BOTH LAUGHING)

1819
01:12:43,440 --> 01:12:46,311
I'm gonna hit the head.
Excuse me.

1820
01:13:06,495 --> 01:13:08,766
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

1821
01:13:10,700 --> 01:13:13,001
Hi, excuse me.
I couldn't help but notice

1822
01:13:13,003 --> 01:13:14,936
that you're

1823
01:13:14,938 --> 01:13:16,104
crying.

1824
01:13:16,106 --> 01:13:19,274
No. I'm fine.

1825
01:13:19,276 --> 01:13:20,743
I often have
that effect on women.

1826
01:13:20,745 --> 01:13:23,011
Just not usually this fast.

1827
01:13:23,013 --> 01:13:24,345
Sorry. I'll leave you alone.

1828
01:13:24,347 --> 01:13:26,716
No. You know what,
please don't.

1829
01:13:26,718 --> 01:13:28,315
Just sit.

1830
01:13:28,317 --> 01:13:29,520
Buy me a drink.

1831
01:13:32,088 --> 01:13:33,755
All right.

1832
01:13:33,757 --> 01:13:35,157
Another...

1833
01:13:35,159 --> 01:13:36,292
Scotch on the rocks.

1834
01:13:36,294 --> 01:13:37,560
Oh, nice.

1835
01:13:37,562 --> 01:13:39,497
- Make that two.
- BARMAN: Right up.

1836
01:13:42,365 --> 01:13:43,967
Thank you.

1837
01:13:47,303 --> 01:13:48,505
So,

1838
01:13:49,472 --> 01:13:50,807
want to talk about it?

1839
01:13:52,610 --> 01:13:53,611
No.

1840
01:13:56,579 --> 01:13:58,315
No sob stories.

1841
01:14:00,884 --> 01:14:02,251
I like that rule.

1842
01:14:02,253 --> 01:14:04,318
Cheers.

1843
01:14:04,320 --> 01:14:05,453
No sob stories.

1844
01:14:05,455 --> 01:14:06,723
All right.

1845
01:14:07,857 --> 01:14:09,958
WOMAN: Do you
want to talk about

1846
01:14:09,960 --> 01:14:11,426
that?

1847
01:14:11,428 --> 01:14:12,864
- This?
- Mmm-hmm.

1848
01:14:14,831 --> 01:14:16,467
Uh... Well...

1849
01:14:19,169 --> 01:14:20,969
I can't.

1850
01:14:20,971 --> 01:14:22,373
Why?

1851
01:14:23,673 --> 01:14:25,776
Because I'm a secret agent.

1852
01:14:27,209 --> 01:14:30,013
I don't think you were
supposed to tell me that part.

1853
01:14:31,115 --> 01:14:32,413
- Well...
- (LAUGHS)

1854
01:14:32,415 --> 01:14:35,150
Why don't you
let me worry about

1855
01:14:35,152 --> 01:14:38,586
how secret agent-ing works,

1856
01:14:38,588 --> 01:14:40,055
seeing as how I am
the secret agent.

1857
01:14:40,057 --> 01:14:41,523
WOMAN: You're right.

1858
01:14:41,525 --> 01:14:43,257
You should see the other guy.

1859
01:14:43,259 --> 01:14:44,493
Sorry to interrupt, Peter.

1860
01:14:44,495 --> 01:14:45,661
I just got an urgent call
from the client.

1861
01:14:45,663 --> 01:14:46,828
I'm gonna have to go in.

1862
01:14:46,830 --> 01:14:49,096
Apparently old Gary Peterson

1863
01:14:49,098 --> 01:14:51,699
really shat the bed
on the LBJ proposal.

1864
01:14:51,701 --> 01:14:53,702
Guy's just useless.

1865
01:14:53,704 --> 01:14:56,404
He's been screwing up
since the beginning.

1866
01:14:56,406 --> 01:14:57,706
Anyway,
I'm gonna go in the office,

1867
01:14:57,708 --> 01:14:58,939
I'm probably going
to spend the night,

1868
01:14:58,941 --> 01:14:59,975
and I will see you
tomorrow, okay?

1869
01:14:59,977 --> 01:15:01,109
Are you sure?

1870
01:15:01,111 --> 01:15:02,579
I'm gonna see you tomorrow.

1871
01:15:04,114 --> 01:15:05,616
All right.

1872
01:15:07,183 --> 01:15:08,984
Was that the other guy?

1873
01:15:08,986 --> 01:15:10,586
He looks like shit.

1874
01:15:10,588 --> 01:15:12,720
That guy's actually
my partner.

1875
01:15:12,722 --> 01:15:14,523
He's another secret agent.

1876
01:15:14,525 --> 01:15:16,692
See, you keep saying "secret,"

1877
01:15:16,694 --> 01:15:19,293
but then you keep
telling me about it.

1878
01:15:19,295 --> 01:15:22,064
I am failing at this job.

1879
01:15:22,066 --> 01:15:23,732
I will tell you this...

1880
01:15:23,734 --> 01:15:25,833
I'm also a secret agent.

1881
01:15:25,835 --> 01:15:27,301
No!

1882
01:15:27,303 --> 01:15:28,738
Sent here to kill you.

1883
01:15:28,740 --> 01:15:29,604
What?

1884
01:15:29,606 --> 01:15:32,006
That drink, it's poison.

1885
01:15:32,008 --> 01:15:33,442
Wait, what?

1886
01:15:33,444 --> 01:15:34,810
Sorry.

1887
01:15:34,812 --> 01:15:37,011
You surreptitiously
poisoned me?

1888
01:15:37,013 --> 01:15:38,680
Surreptitiously.

1889
01:15:38,682 --> 01:15:42,520
You're so good.
I had no idea this is poison.

1890
01:15:44,155 --> 01:15:47,523
Yeah! That's, like,
almost all poison.

1891
01:15:47,525 --> 01:15:49,224
No, taste mine.
You'll taste the difference.

1892
01:15:49,226 --> 01:15:50,795
- Little bit.
- Yeah.

1893
01:15:51,829 --> 01:15:52,927
BOTH: Mmm.

1894
01:15:52,929 --> 01:15:53,862
Poison.

1895
01:15:53,864 --> 01:15:55,064
There is a little
difference, yeah.

1896
01:15:55,066 --> 01:15:56,431
- Yeah.
- I do taste that.

1897
01:15:56,433 --> 01:16:00,836
So, I'm sorry to tell you,
but two hours left to live.

1898
01:16:00,838 --> 01:16:04,273
Well, guess I'd better
make these two hours count.

1899
01:16:04,275 --> 01:16:05,407
Yeah, you better.

1900
01:16:05,409 --> 01:16:06,975
Yeah.

1901
01:16:06,977 --> 01:16:08,710
My name is Sarah.

1902
01:16:08,712 --> 01:16:11,616
Code name Babydoll.

1903
01:16:12,615 --> 01:16:14,949
Well, Sarah, my name's Peter.

1904
01:16:14,951 --> 01:16:16,853
Code name...

1905
01:16:19,222 --> 01:16:21,288
Pinky Pants.

1906
01:16:21,290 --> 01:16:22,424
I've heard about you.

1907
01:16:22,426 --> 01:16:24,059
Yeah, I'm legendary.

1908
01:16:24,061 --> 01:16:25,594
Well,

1909
01:16:25,596 --> 01:16:27,831
here's to your last two hours.

1910
01:16:34,237 --> 01:16:37,704
Hi. Hey! Can you see me?

1911
01:16:37,706 --> 01:16:40,042
- Aloha.
- Aloha.

1912
01:16:40,044 --> 01:16:42,176
Are you ready
for naked Facetime?

1913
01:16:42,178 --> 01:16:43,244
Yeah.

1914
01:16:43,246 --> 01:16:44,613
I'm wearing your favorite bra.

1915
01:16:44,615 --> 01:16:45,948
KYLE: Oh, my gosh.

1916
01:16:45,950 --> 01:16:48,449
Wait, why aren't you naked?

1917
01:16:48,451 --> 01:16:50,952
- Um...
- Where are you?

1918
01:16:50,954 --> 01:16:52,953
I'm actually in the car.
I'm just kind of settling in.

1919
01:16:52,955 --> 01:16:55,256
I'm trying to give Pete
a little privacy

1920
01:16:55,258 --> 01:16:56,658
because he met a girl.

1921
01:16:56,660 --> 01:16:57,862
- (KNOCKING)
- Oh.

1922
01:16:59,996 --> 01:17:00,998
Hey.

1923
01:17:02,531 --> 01:17:04,600
Got some
room service out here.

1924
01:17:04,602 --> 01:17:05,900
Yeah, bet you don't deliver

1925
01:17:05,902 --> 01:17:07,435
out to the parking lot
too much,

1926
01:17:07,437 --> 01:17:10,238
but I'm just trying to give
my brother some privacy.

1927
01:17:10,240 --> 01:17:13,375
Here, wave to Kaylani.
That's the room service guy.

1928
01:17:13,377 --> 01:17:14,643
Hi, room service dude.

1929
01:17:14,645 --> 01:17:15,879
Okay. Thank you.

1930
01:17:17,114 --> 01:17:18,846
Okay.

1931
01:17:18,848 --> 01:17:21,015
I might get some
breakfast later.

1932
01:17:21,017 --> 01:17:22,520
No problem.

1933
01:17:24,855 --> 01:17:26,491
KAYLANI: How's your trip been?

1934
01:17:31,661 --> 01:17:33,095
Hey, honey,

1935
01:17:33,097 --> 01:17:34,662
there's something
I need to tell you.

1936
01:17:34,664 --> 01:17:36,030
KAYLANI: Is everything okay?

1937
01:17:36,032 --> 01:17:38,233
No, everything's going great
with the trip.

1938
01:17:38,235 --> 01:17:39,400
(STAMMERING)

1939
01:17:39,402 --> 01:17:41,071
It's kind of a recent setback.

1940
01:17:42,572 --> 01:17:44,038
What's up?

1941
01:17:44,040 --> 01:17:47,110
I think it's gonna be
good, actually.

1942
01:17:57,420 --> 01:17:58,519
There's so many buttons.

1943
01:17:58,521 --> 01:17:59,586
- Here...
- Help.

1944
01:17:59,588 --> 01:18:00,988
I'll help and go
from the bottom.

1945
01:18:00,990 --> 01:18:02,690
- Here we go.
- Help.

1946
01:18:02,692 --> 01:18:05,029
Oh, God. That's really
slowing me down.

1947
01:18:14,405 --> 01:18:16,637
Oh, my God. You have buttons.

1948
01:18:16,639 --> 01:18:19,507
Listen, there's something
you should know.

1949
01:18:19,509 --> 01:18:21,510
- (SIGHS)
- What?

1950
01:18:21,512 --> 01:18:23,077
I don't manscape.

1951
01:18:23,079 --> 01:18:25,180
Well, what are we
working with?

1952
01:18:25,182 --> 01:18:27,015
Well, here you go.

1953
01:18:27,017 --> 01:18:28,152
Oh, no.

1954
01:18:30,521 --> 01:18:32,354
It is what it is.

1955
01:18:32,356 --> 01:18:33,657
Works for me.

1956
01:18:34,557 --> 01:18:36,192
(BOTH MOANING)

1957
01:18:50,206 --> 01:18:51,642
Ahoy!

1958
01:18:58,714 --> 01:19:00,114
Good morning.

1959
01:19:00,116 --> 01:19:01,483
Good morning.

1960
01:19:01,485 --> 01:19:03,251
Yes. Yes.

1961
01:19:03,253 --> 01:19:06,057
Any news to report?

1962
01:19:06,656 --> 01:19:07,857
Um...

1963
01:19:09,459 --> 01:19:10,994
(CHUCKLING)

1964
01:19:12,395 --> 01:19:14,496
You are incorrigible.

1965
01:19:14,498 --> 01:19:15,997
Where is she?

1966
01:19:15,999 --> 01:19:19,000
I don't know actually.
I woke up and she was gone.

1967
01:19:19,002 --> 01:19:22,871
You experienced
a pure one-night stand.

1968
01:19:22,873 --> 01:19:24,204
Do you know how rare that is?

1969
01:19:24,206 --> 01:19:25,707
You were visited by
an angel last night.

1970
01:19:25,709 --> 01:19:27,076
Plain and simple.

1971
01:19:27,078 --> 01:19:30,114
Well, she did,
she did leave a note.

1972
01:19:31,949 --> 01:19:35,652
"Thanks for a really
fun night. I needed it."

1973
01:19:37,120 --> 01:19:38,854
"I needed it!"

1974
01:19:38,856 --> 01:19:41,325
Guess who gave it to her?
This guy!

1975
01:19:43,861 --> 01:19:46,694
KYLE: I just like
seeing you giddy.

1976
01:19:46,696 --> 01:19:48,596
You're just gleeful.

1977
01:19:48,598 --> 01:19:51,466
This is the Pete
I've been trying to get.

1978
01:19:51,468 --> 01:19:52,734
Come on, Worcester!

1979
01:19:52,736 --> 01:19:54,138
Come on.

1980
01:19:57,607 --> 01:19:59,207
Okay.

1981
01:19:59,209 --> 01:20:00,574
AUTOMATED VOICE: You have
arrived at your destination.

1982
01:20:00,576 --> 01:20:02,112
KYLE: This is it.

1983
01:20:05,414 --> 01:20:07,916
Sparkly P likes to party.

1984
01:20:07,918 --> 01:20:09,420
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

1985
01:20:13,690 --> 01:20:15,390
(EXHALING DEEPLY)

1986
01:20:15,392 --> 01:20:17,128
Breathe.

1987
01:20:18,896 --> 01:20:20,894
What is going on?

1988
01:20:20,896 --> 01:20:22,396
LIAM: Dad gets Clemens to come

1989
01:20:22,398 --> 01:20:24,733
and pitch batting practice
for us at the park.

1990
01:20:24,735 --> 01:20:26,033
Fucker beaned me,

1991
01:20:26,035 --> 01:20:27,935
like, twice but still
greatest day of my life.

1992
01:20:27,937 --> 01:20:29,637
Hey, fellas. Welcome.

1993
01:20:29,639 --> 01:20:30,771
PETER: Thank you.

1994
01:20:30,773 --> 01:20:32,439
There's beer, liquor.

1995
01:20:32,441 --> 01:20:34,042
There's food in the back.

1996
01:20:34,044 --> 01:20:35,443
Make yourselves at home.

1997
01:20:35,445 --> 01:20:36,845
(LIAM GRUNTS)

1998
01:20:36,847 --> 01:20:40,448
Hey, I am so fuckin' happy
you're my brother.

1999
01:20:40,450 --> 01:20:42,117
I love you so much.

2000
01:20:42,119 --> 01:20:44,286
LIAM: I love you too, bro.
You know.

2001
01:20:44,288 --> 01:20:48,122
Okay. Sorry to interrupt.
Do you know if Paddy's here?

2002
01:20:48,124 --> 01:20:50,558
Oh, yeah. Dad's inside.

2003
01:20:50,560 --> 01:20:54,798
Come on. He's in the study.
I'll take you over. Come on.

2004
01:20:57,668 --> 01:20:59,837
Oh, Dad's over there, guys.

2005
01:21:13,984 --> 01:21:16,217
So, how do you guys
know my dad?

2006
01:21:16,219 --> 01:21:18,720
Liam, Sean needs your help
changing the keg.

2007
01:21:18,722 --> 01:21:20,488
Oh, for fuck's sakes.

2008
01:21:20,490 --> 01:21:23,091
Sorry, fellas,
my brother's a moron.

2009
01:21:23,093 --> 01:21:24,458
Hey. Watch your mouth.

2010
01:21:24,460 --> 01:21:26,161
That's my boyfriend
you're talking about.

2011
01:21:26,163 --> 01:21:27,729
My fuckin' 10-year-old
cousin can change a keg.

2012
01:21:27,731 --> 01:21:29,032
Are you kidding me?

2013
01:21:34,170 --> 01:21:35,905
Oh, man.

2014
01:21:37,139 --> 01:21:40,108
I'm sorry we're too late.

2015
01:21:40,110 --> 01:21:42,346
I would have really
loved to get to know you.

2016
01:21:43,946 --> 01:21:46,613
He seems like a good man.

2017
01:21:46,615 --> 01:21:49,786
Raised a good family.

2018
01:21:52,522 --> 01:21:54,758
Did he just die?

2019
01:21:56,293 --> 01:21:58,292
Presumably, yeah.

2020
01:21:58,294 --> 01:22:01,662
KYLE: Do you think he died
in the line of duty?

2021
01:22:01,664 --> 01:22:04,399
PRIEST: Paddy O'Callaghan

2022
01:22:04,401 --> 01:22:07,435
was many things
to many people.

2023
01:22:07,437 --> 01:22:10,404
There was no role
he treasured more

2024
01:22:10,406 --> 01:22:12,274
than being a father.

2025
01:22:12,276 --> 01:22:13,808
And I know there's no one

2026
01:22:13,810 --> 01:22:15,877
he would rather hear
from right now

2027
01:22:15,879 --> 01:22:18,713
than his dear sweet daughter.

2028
01:22:18,715 --> 01:22:21,350
Are you okay to talk, hon?

2029
01:22:21,352 --> 01:22:22,787
Thank you, Father.

2030
01:22:26,656 --> 01:22:28,088
My father and I

2031
01:22:28,090 --> 01:22:30,324
didn't always get along.

2032
01:22:30,326 --> 01:22:33,193
He was a cop
who saw the worst in people.

2033
01:22:33,195 --> 01:22:36,096
That's the girl
from last night.

2034
01:22:36,098 --> 01:22:37,498
SARAH: He practically
arrested this...

2035
01:22:37,500 --> 01:22:38,569
No.

2036
01:22:39,969 --> 01:22:41,301
PETER: That's Babydoll.

2037
01:22:41,303 --> 01:22:42,470
I saw...

2038
01:22:42,472 --> 01:22:44,305
Oh, my God.

2039
01:22:44,307 --> 01:22:46,975
We've all slept with
the wrong woman.

2040
01:22:46,977 --> 01:22:48,542
Yeah, but it's our sister.

2041
01:22:48,544 --> 01:22:52,380
No, I know. But I've slept
with some squirrelly women.

2042
01:22:52,382 --> 01:22:54,181
Super squirrelly.

2043
01:22:54,183 --> 01:22:56,484
PETER: It doesn't matter
how squirrelly they are,

2044
01:22:56,486 --> 01:22:57,920
they're not our sister.

2045
01:22:57,922 --> 01:23:00,121
No, listen to me.
It didn't happen, okay?

2046
01:23:00,123 --> 01:23:02,056
It didn't happen.
Just erase it.

2047
01:23:02,058 --> 01:23:04,326
It didn't happen!

2048
01:23:04,328 --> 01:23:07,362
Is that why it was so good?

2049
01:23:07,364 --> 01:23:09,331
I'm a monster.

2050
01:23:09,333 --> 01:23:11,300
I love you, Pop.

2051
01:23:11,302 --> 01:23:14,002
I'm gonna miss you so much.

2052
01:23:14,004 --> 01:23:15,603
- We have to go.
- No!

2053
01:23:15,605 --> 01:23:17,773
Stop. Peter. Peter, stop.

2054
01:23:17,775 --> 01:23:18,974
Peter!

2055
01:23:18,976 --> 01:23:20,041
Peter!

2056
01:23:20,043 --> 01:23:21,143
LIAM: The fuck!

2057
01:23:21,145 --> 01:23:22,976
KELLY: What the fuck! Sean!

2058
01:23:22,978 --> 01:23:25,281
It wasn't fucking me.

2059
01:23:26,383 --> 01:23:27,415
Did he get you?

2060
01:23:27,417 --> 01:23:29,649
Don't touch! Oh, my...
Get your...

2061
01:23:29,651 --> 01:23:31,051
Hey, douchebag!

2062
01:23:31,053 --> 01:23:33,787
- Where's the apology?
- Whoa. Hey. I'm sorry.

2063
01:23:33,789 --> 01:23:35,857
- Where's the apology?
- Jesus!

2064
01:23:35,859 --> 01:23:37,792
What were you talkin' about?

2065
01:23:37,794 --> 01:23:38,926
Just let us go.

2066
01:23:38,928 --> 01:23:40,194
Why are you not apologizing?

2067
01:23:40,196 --> 01:23:42,663
Hey, stop. Come here. Stop it.

2068
01:23:42,665 --> 01:23:43,898
Contact, bro?

2069
01:23:43,900 --> 01:23:45,832
Contact in O'Callaghan's yard?

2070
01:23:45,834 --> 01:23:47,034
Okay, just stop! Hold it!

2071
01:23:47,036 --> 01:23:48,168
LIAM: In my yard?

2072
01:23:48,170 --> 01:23:49,537
Hey! We just want an apology!

2073
01:23:49,539 --> 01:23:51,305
Come on,
just say you're sorry.

2074
01:23:51,307 --> 01:23:53,007
- I'd really rather not.
- Peter, come on!

2075
01:23:53,009 --> 01:23:54,442
Summer's over,
you ready for the fall?

2076
01:23:54,444 --> 01:23:55,877
Don't be prideful.
Come on, just...

2077
01:23:55,879 --> 01:23:57,511
I'm not being prideful.

2078
01:23:57,513 --> 01:23:59,881
It's hard to apologize when I
just got shoved off a porch.

2079
01:23:59,883 --> 01:24:01,415
Charged up!

2080
01:24:01,417 --> 01:24:03,518
I saw you spill the drink on
the girl. She's soaked.

2081
01:24:03,520 --> 01:24:05,052
That's true,
and I am sorry about that.

2082
01:24:05,054 --> 01:24:06,988
Okay, but don't tell me,
tell them! Just say it.

2083
01:24:06,990 --> 01:24:08,488
- Fine!
- SEAN: Fuck you guys!

2084
01:24:08,490 --> 01:24:09,560
I'm sorry!

2085
01:24:11,962 --> 01:24:13,360
To who?

2086
01:24:13,362 --> 01:24:15,997
To the douchebag's girlfriend.

2087
01:24:15,999 --> 01:24:18,466
(PEOPLE MURMURING)

2088
01:24:18,468 --> 01:24:20,104
Close enough.

2089
01:24:22,204 --> 01:24:24,005
- It's too late.
- KYLE: What?

2090
01:24:24,007 --> 01:24:26,507
Look, you can't
move the goalpost.

2091
01:24:26,509 --> 01:24:27,574
They moved.

2092
01:24:27,576 --> 01:24:28,743
He just apologized.

2093
01:24:28,745 --> 01:24:30,511
That's more than I've ever
gotten from him.

2094
01:24:30,513 --> 01:24:33,014
Come on, you're lucky we're
not demanding an apology!

2095
01:24:33,016 --> 01:24:34,215
He wants an apology.

2096
01:24:34,217 --> 01:24:36,216
- Here's an apology, bro.
- (KYLE GROANS)

2097
01:24:36,218 --> 01:24:38,588
- That's an O'Callaghan sorry.
- CROWD: Whoa!

2098
01:24:43,692 --> 01:24:45,326
I got his ankle, Pete!

2099
01:24:45,328 --> 01:24:46,696
I got him in a foot lock.

2100
01:24:49,700 --> 01:24:51,065
I'm gonna sprain his ankle.

2101
01:24:51,067 --> 01:24:53,134
Hey, hey! What are
you boys doing? Get up!

2102
01:24:53,136 --> 01:24:55,673
What the hell's going on,
boys? Huh?

2103
01:24:56,906 --> 01:24:58,107
Whoa!

2104
01:24:58,741 --> 01:25:00,408
Paddy!

2105
01:25:00,410 --> 01:25:01,475
He's alive!

2106
01:25:01,477 --> 01:25:03,144
LIAM: It's not Paddy,
you idiot.

2107
01:25:03,146 --> 01:25:04,345
That's our Uncle Kevin.

2108
01:25:04,347 --> 01:25:05,947
He's Paddy's twin brother.

2109
01:25:05,949 --> 01:25:08,114
My brother's
lying dead in there.

2110
01:25:08,116 --> 01:25:09,551
Show a little respect.

2111
01:25:09,553 --> 01:25:10,955
- For Christ's sake.
- Peter?

2112
01:25:11,655 --> 01:25:12,921
Hey.

2113
01:25:12,923 --> 01:25:14,988
What are you doing here?

2114
01:25:14,990 --> 01:25:16,957
Wait a minute,
you know this d-bag?

2115
01:25:16,959 --> 01:25:18,359
Yeah.

2116
01:25:18,361 --> 01:25:19,726
KELLY: Wait, is this the guy
from last night?

2117
01:25:19,728 --> 01:25:21,061
What guy from last night?

2118
01:25:21,063 --> 01:25:22,195
Is he why
you didn't come home?

2119
01:25:22,197 --> 01:25:23,864
Did you fuck our sister?

2120
01:25:23,866 --> 01:25:25,667
- Oh, God.
- Language.

2121
01:25:25,669 --> 01:25:27,568
Did you eff our sister?

2122
01:25:27,570 --> 01:25:28,636
That's better.

2123
01:25:28,638 --> 01:25:31,271
Stop it, you guys.
I'm a grown woman!

2124
01:25:31,273 --> 01:25:32,707
Easy. She's right, boys. Easy.

2125
01:25:32,709 --> 01:25:34,676
Come on.
We're acting like animals.

2126
01:25:34,678 --> 01:25:36,845
I'm pretty sure that your
sister's had sex before,

2127
01:25:36,847 --> 01:25:39,713
and I can tell you that Peter
is a considerate lover.

2128
01:25:39,715 --> 01:25:41,248
- Oh, God!
- KYLE: I'll vouch for that.

2129
01:25:41,250 --> 01:25:43,317
LIAM: You come to my home.

2130
01:25:43,319 --> 01:25:47,156
To my father's wake the day
after fucking my sister?

2131
01:25:48,157 --> 01:25:49,823
I'm going to break your dick.

2132
01:25:49,825 --> 01:25:51,859
- (ALL SHOUTING)
- Liam, hold off.

2133
01:25:51,861 --> 01:25:54,229
I know I was saying
relax a couple of seconds ago.

2134
01:25:54,231 --> 01:25:55,863
But if someone
came over to my house

2135
01:25:55,865 --> 01:25:57,230
and effed my grieving sister,

2136
01:25:57,232 --> 01:25:59,100
I'm pretty sure
that I'd want to

2137
01:25:59,102 --> 01:26:00,600
just rip him
limb to limb, okay?

2138
01:26:00,602 --> 01:26:02,703
I'd want to
just mutilate his ass.

2139
01:26:02,705 --> 01:26:03,838
What?

2140
01:26:03,840 --> 01:26:05,139
Deservedly.

2141
01:26:05,141 --> 01:26:06,440
But guess what?

2142
01:26:06,442 --> 01:26:07,574
What?

2143
01:26:07,576 --> 01:26:10,612
Someone did just eff
my grieving sister.

2144
01:26:10,614 --> 01:26:12,180
- Yeah.
- What?

2145
01:26:12,182 --> 01:26:13,881
Peter, do the honors.
Chime in.

2146
01:26:13,883 --> 01:26:15,082
- No!
- Chime in.

2147
01:26:15,084 --> 01:26:17,452
I don't think
we should do the honors.

2148
01:26:17,454 --> 01:26:21,725
Liam, Sean, darling Sarah...

2149
01:26:23,093 --> 01:26:25,993
Paddy's our father.
You're our brothers.

2150
01:26:25,995 --> 01:26:27,496
You're our sister.

2151
01:26:27,498 --> 01:26:28,563
What?

2152
01:26:28,565 --> 01:26:30,264
What the fuck
are you talking about?

2153
01:26:30,266 --> 01:26:32,332
What the hell is going on?

2154
01:26:32,334 --> 01:26:34,235
Our mom's name
is Helen Baxter.

2155
01:26:34,237 --> 01:26:36,106
Did Paddy ever mention her?

2156
01:26:37,406 --> 01:26:39,543
- You're Helen's boys?
- PETER: Yes!

2157
01:26:40,075 --> 01:26:41,274
The twins?

2158
01:26:41,276 --> 01:26:43,244
- (SARAH GROANS)
- (ALL GASPING)

2159
01:26:43,246 --> 01:26:45,148
You don't pick your family.

2160
01:26:45,848 --> 01:26:47,081
Oh, God!

2161
01:26:47,083 --> 01:26:48,149
SEAN: I'm gonna
fucking kill you!

2162
01:26:48,151 --> 01:26:49,216
I'm going to fucking kill you!

2163
01:26:49,218 --> 01:26:50,283
Seanie! Seanie!

2164
01:26:50,285 --> 01:26:52,720
Stop it!
You two stay right here.

2165
01:26:52,722 --> 01:26:54,088
What is happening?

2166
01:26:54,090 --> 01:26:56,024
All right, everybody whose
last name isn't O'Callaghan,

2167
01:26:56,026 --> 01:26:57,358
get in the house.

2168
01:26:57,360 --> 01:26:59,429
- Oh, God. (GROANS)
- KEVIN: Come on, move.

2169
01:27:00,562 --> 01:27:01,764
Oh, God!

2170
01:27:02,598 --> 01:27:04,767
Oh, fuck!

2171
01:27:07,036 --> 01:27:09,037
KEVIN: All right, settle in.

2172
01:27:09,039 --> 01:27:10,538
I'll try to clear
this up for you.

2173
01:27:10,540 --> 01:27:11,471
Good.

2174
01:27:11,473 --> 01:27:13,507
Paddy could not
be their father.

2175
01:27:13,509 --> 01:27:15,342
How do you know that, Kevin?

2176
01:27:15,344 --> 01:27:17,445
Because Paddy and their mother
never had sex.

2177
01:27:17,447 --> 01:27:19,213
What?

2178
01:27:19,215 --> 01:27:21,382
I mean, you can't
know that for sure.

2179
01:27:21,384 --> 01:27:23,685
Paddy thought he was
gonna marry your mother.

2180
01:27:23,687 --> 01:27:25,720
And despite
the sexual climate,

2181
01:27:25,722 --> 01:27:28,823
for him, that meant saving it
for their wedding night.

2182
01:27:28,825 --> 01:27:30,690
Yeah, like Sarah's
saving her muff.

2183
01:27:30,692 --> 01:27:33,027
Shut the fuck up, Liam.
You're no angel.

2184
01:27:33,029 --> 01:27:34,394
Shut up, you two.

2185
01:27:34,396 --> 01:27:37,665
My brother Paddy
took this very seriously.

2186
01:27:37,667 --> 01:27:40,103
If you don't believe me,
ask your mother.

2187
01:27:40,837 --> 01:27:41,969
Not now,

2188
01:27:41,971 --> 01:27:43,171
you moron!

2189
01:27:43,173 --> 01:27:44,605
You said go ask Ma.

2190
01:27:44,607 --> 01:27:45,473
Sit down.

2191
01:27:45,475 --> 01:27:47,410
Jesus Christ! Sit down.

2192
01:27:47,977 --> 01:27:49,976
So what happened?

2193
01:27:49,978 --> 01:27:51,246
Well, what happened was,

2194
01:27:51,248 --> 01:27:53,247
a guy by the name
of Walter Tinkler.

2195
01:27:53,249 --> 01:27:55,515
A veterinarian student
from down in New York.

2196
01:27:55,517 --> 01:27:57,318
Dr. Tinkler? We know him!

2197
01:27:57,320 --> 01:27:59,287
The guy who killed
Chairman Meow.

2198
01:27:59,289 --> 01:28:00,954
PETER: He didn't
kill Chairman Meow.

2199
01:28:00,956 --> 01:28:04,324
Well, was Chairman Meow alive
when we dropped him off?

2200
01:28:04,326 --> 01:28:06,260
Was he dead
when we picked him up?

2201
01:28:06,262 --> 01:28:07,996
In my book, that's murder.

2202
01:28:07,998 --> 01:28:09,433
KEVIN: Hey. Hey.

2203
01:28:10,266 --> 01:28:12,266
It was just a fuckin' cat.

2204
01:28:12,268 --> 01:28:16,637
We both loved Chairman Meow.

2205
01:28:16,639 --> 01:28:20,640
I can't believe Tinkler's been
in our lives this whole time.

2206
01:28:20,642 --> 01:28:22,842
You see, this Tinkler guy
and your mother

2207
01:28:22,844 --> 01:28:25,179
had this on-again
off-again relationship

2208
01:28:25,181 --> 01:28:27,014
apparently since high school.

2209
01:28:27,016 --> 01:28:28,482
Paddy was always worried

2210
01:28:28,484 --> 01:28:30,818
that she'd wind up
going back to him.

2211
01:28:30,820 --> 01:28:33,653
Ultimately, she did.

2212
01:28:33,655 --> 01:28:35,555
But she did tell my brother
she'd always have

2213
01:28:35,557 --> 01:28:37,792
a warm spot
in the heart for him.

2214
01:28:37,794 --> 01:28:39,560
She let him down soft.

2215
01:28:39,562 --> 01:28:42,663
But this Tinkler guy
was the love of her life,

2216
01:28:42,665 --> 01:28:44,666
and that she was
going to marry him.

2217
01:28:44,668 --> 01:28:47,135
Mom got married?

2218
01:28:47,137 --> 01:28:48,335
To Tinkler?

2219
01:28:48,337 --> 01:28:49,836
Last I heard,

2220
01:28:49,838 --> 01:28:52,607
she had twins and moved back
to Ohio to raise 'em.

2221
01:28:52,609 --> 01:28:53,841
What?

2222
01:28:53,843 --> 01:28:56,310
So, if their mom hadn't broken
our dad's heart,

2223
01:28:56,312 --> 01:28:58,348
then the three of us

2224
01:28:58,981 --> 01:29:00,448
never been born?

2225
01:29:00,450 --> 01:29:02,686
That's one way
of looking at it.

2226
01:29:03,319 --> 01:29:05,222
Sorry, fellas,

2227
01:29:05,821 --> 01:29:07,257
you made me.

2228
01:29:08,892 --> 01:29:10,327
You gave me life.

2229
01:29:12,594 --> 01:29:15,831
That's not good logic.

2230
01:29:17,267 --> 01:29:21,234
That's all I got.
I'm stuck with this.

2231
01:29:21,236 --> 01:29:22,569
Enjoy your fuckin' life.

2232
01:29:22,571 --> 01:29:24,407
Thanks, Uncle Kevin.

2233
01:29:26,877 --> 01:29:28,443
And you two

2234
01:29:28,445 --> 01:29:31,112
are off the hook. Officially.

2235
01:29:31,114 --> 01:29:32,445
PETER: Yeah.

2236
01:29:32,447 --> 01:29:33,848
You were sweatin' it there
for a second.

2237
01:29:33,850 --> 01:29:35,382
- SARAH: Yeah.
- I was, too. I know I said

2238
01:29:35,384 --> 01:29:37,118
it wasn't a big deal
effing your sister.

2239
01:29:37,120 --> 01:29:38,452
It's a big deal.

2240
01:29:38,454 --> 01:29:40,654
- It's a big deal.
- KYLE: It's criminal.

2241
01:29:40,656 --> 01:29:42,359
- Oh, my God.
- (ALL CHUCKLING)

2242
01:29:43,159 --> 01:29:44,492
Oh, my God!

2243
01:29:44,494 --> 01:29:46,797
Looks like we're going home.

2244
01:29:55,137 --> 01:29:56,606
(INAUDIBLE)

2245
01:30:02,178 --> 01:30:03,513
(HORN HONKING)

2246
01:30:06,915 --> 01:30:08,317
What was that?

2247
01:30:09,584 --> 01:30:12,119
- You honked.
- (CHUCKLES)

2248
01:30:12,121 --> 01:30:13,522
You asshole.

2249
01:30:24,433 --> 01:30:26,067
(DINGS)

2250
01:30:26,069 --> 01:30:28,272
- Hello!
- Hello!

2251
01:30:29,204 --> 01:30:30,773
I just did...

2252
01:30:31,340 --> 01:30:32,540
Hello?

2253
01:30:32,542 --> 01:30:34,308
Yup. Heard you the first time.

2254
01:30:34,310 --> 01:30:35,877
KYLE: Sorry.

2255
01:30:35,879 --> 01:30:36,877
How can I help you?

2256
01:30:36,879 --> 01:30:38,813
PETER: We really need to
see Dr. Tinkler.

2257
01:30:38,815 --> 01:30:40,881
- Kind of a family emergency.
- Yeah.

2258
01:30:40,883 --> 01:30:42,315
Well, I'm sorry.
He's with a patient

2259
01:30:42,317 --> 01:30:44,219
and doesn't
want to be disturbed.

2260
01:30:44,221 --> 01:30:45,385
Well, I'm sorry.
We didn't want to

2261
01:30:45,387 --> 01:30:46,787
grow up without a father.

2262
01:30:46,789 --> 01:30:47,688
Yeah.

2263
01:30:47,690 --> 01:30:48,989
Could you please disturb him?

2264
01:30:48,991 --> 01:30:51,958
Okay, I can't really
speak to your experience.

2265
01:30:51,960 --> 01:30:54,362
Although, I did get kicked out
of a threesome in college

2266
01:30:54,364 --> 01:30:55,697
and that was very traumatic.

2267
01:30:55,699 --> 01:30:57,666
- No.
- ALI: Yeah.

2268
01:30:57,668 --> 01:30:59,600
- They just kicked you out?
- ALI: Yes.

2269
01:30:59,602 --> 01:31:00,902
They went like this...

2270
01:31:00,904 --> 01:31:02,369
(CLICKING TONGUE)

2271
01:31:02,371 --> 01:31:04,171
In flagrante
and then you're gone?

2272
01:31:04,173 --> 01:31:05,239
They said I was
underperforming.

2273
01:31:05,241 --> 01:31:06,440
I thought I was doing great.

2274
01:31:06,442 --> 01:31:08,442
Can we just stay focused here?

2275
01:31:08,444 --> 01:31:09,810
This is super important.

2276
01:31:09,812 --> 01:31:13,079
We have to see
the doctor stat,

2277
01:31:13,081 --> 01:31:14,381
which is a medical term.

2278
01:31:14,383 --> 01:31:16,484
(SIGHS) Okay,
he has an opening...

2279
01:31:16,486 --> 01:31:17,618
Ooh! Thursday.

2280
01:31:17,620 --> 01:31:19,119
- I'll pencil you in.
- (DINGS)

2281
01:31:19,121 --> 01:31:20,554
- PETER: No!
- KYLE: Now!

2282
01:31:20,556 --> 01:31:22,790
- Pencil us in now!
- Right now! This is urgent.

2283
01:31:22,792 --> 01:31:23,858
Please!

2284
01:31:23,860 --> 01:31:25,827
Ali, could you bring me
Butterball's

2285
01:31:25,829 --> 01:31:27,796
immunization records, please?

2286
01:31:27,798 --> 01:31:28,863
Hello.

2287
01:31:28,865 --> 01:31:29,866
(KYLE EXHALES)

2288
01:31:34,303 --> 01:31:35,705
Peter.

2289
01:31:37,406 --> 01:31:38,842
Kyle.

2290
01:31:39,909 --> 01:31:41,078
Walter.

2291
01:31:41,977 --> 01:31:43,346
Dad.

2292
01:31:44,347 --> 01:31:45,682
(GASPS)

2293
01:31:46,715 --> 01:31:48,515
- What the... Come on.
- Get him.

2294
01:31:48,517 --> 01:31:50,551
You gotta get down here
right away. They're here.

2295
01:31:50,553 --> 01:31:52,586
Walter, what are you doing?
We're your sons.

2296
01:31:52,588 --> 01:31:54,087
WALTER: Well,
you gotta get down here.

2297
01:31:54,089 --> 01:31:55,323
Walter is your father?

2298
01:31:55,325 --> 01:31:57,056
You said
you never wanted children!

2299
01:31:57,058 --> 01:31:59,394
I didn't. I don't.
Ali, it's complicated.

2300
01:31:59,396 --> 01:32:00,927
You know what's complicated?

2301
01:32:00,929 --> 01:32:02,162
Dating a man who went to
high school with my mother.

2302
01:32:02,164 --> 01:32:03,530
You should just open the door.

2303
01:32:03,532 --> 01:32:05,099
Second door, sucker.

2304
01:32:05,101 --> 01:32:06,399
Pete, I'm in.

2305
01:32:06,401 --> 01:32:07,568
Now you're gonna talk.

2306
01:32:07,570 --> 01:32:09,369
Kyle, please. Guys, calm down.

2307
01:32:09,371 --> 01:32:10,671
Your mother, I think,

2308
01:32:10,673 --> 01:32:12,140
really should
have this conversation.

2309
01:32:12,142 --> 01:32:14,908
Well, that hasn't worked
for the last 40 years.

2310
01:32:14,910 --> 01:32:17,344
Look. We're not trying
to shake you down,

2311
01:32:17,346 --> 01:32:18,815
Dad, we just wanna...

2312
01:32:21,683 --> 01:32:23,551
You sick son of a bitch.

2313
01:32:23,553 --> 01:32:25,786
Is this how you butchered
Chairman Meow?

2314
01:32:25,788 --> 01:32:27,587
Nobody butchered
Chairman Meow.

2315
01:32:27,589 --> 01:32:29,457
It's called putting him down.

2316
01:32:29,459 --> 01:32:31,059
It's called death.

2317
01:32:31,061 --> 01:32:32,993
Death. Yes.

2318
01:32:32,995 --> 01:32:35,529
It comes to us all.
Even the kitties.

2319
01:32:35,531 --> 01:32:37,230
Enough, all right.

2320
01:32:37,232 --> 01:32:41,301
We know you're our father.
Why can't you just say it?

2321
01:32:41,303 --> 01:32:43,103
We just want some answers.

2322
01:32:43,105 --> 01:32:44,305
KYLE: Ooh. Looky here.

2323
01:32:44,307 --> 01:32:45,573
Is this what you do?

2324
01:32:45,575 --> 01:32:47,507
You just shoot the cats
in the head?

2325
01:32:47,509 --> 01:32:50,444
It's a tranquilizer gun.
Every vet has one.

2326
01:32:50,446 --> 01:32:51,712
Not on my watch.

2327
01:32:51,714 --> 01:32:52,980
You're not going
to put him down.

2328
01:32:52,982 --> 01:32:55,116
- This has to stop.
- We're just snipping him.

2329
01:32:55,118 --> 01:32:56,686
This cat lives...

2330
01:32:59,355 --> 01:33:00,653
Pete, you gotta see this.

2331
01:33:00,655 --> 01:33:02,357
Kyle, stay focused.

2332
01:33:02,359 --> 01:33:04,127
Oh, my God. Those are huge.

2333
01:33:05,093 --> 01:33:07,094
Those are big balls.

2334
01:33:07,096 --> 01:33:08,128
Unnerving.

2335
01:33:08,130 --> 01:33:09,829
KYLE: Gotta tip your hat
to the little guy.

2336
01:33:09,831 --> 01:33:11,632
You're a doctor,
is that normal?

2337
01:33:11,634 --> 01:33:15,034
No. Yeah. But for a gorilla.

2338
01:33:15,036 --> 01:33:17,570
KYLE: That's beautiful.
Well done.

2339
01:33:17,572 --> 01:33:19,305
Wow! That's...

2340
01:33:19,307 --> 01:33:20,509
He's gone!

2341
01:33:21,477 --> 01:33:22,913
We got a runner!

2342
01:33:23,980 --> 01:33:25,613
Run, Walter, run!

2343
01:33:25,615 --> 01:33:28,482
Where are you going?
We know where you live.

2344
01:33:28,484 --> 01:33:30,784
- (TRANQUILIZER GUN FIRES)
- (GROANING)

2345
01:33:30,786 --> 01:33:33,119
Whoa! You shot Dad.

2346
01:33:33,121 --> 01:33:35,459
Because this ends now.

2347
01:33:40,663 --> 01:33:42,697
PETER: Walter!

2348
01:33:42,699 --> 01:33:44,265
Is he all right?
Pete, you're a doctor, look.

2349
01:33:44,267 --> 01:33:46,367
- I know. I think he's okay.
- Sweetheart, come through.

2350
01:33:46,369 --> 01:33:47,701
Give him some water.

2351
01:33:47,703 --> 01:33:48,868
PETER: Yeah, it's gonna
be okay. Right?

2352
01:33:48,870 --> 01:33:50,337
KYLE: Give me your eyes.
It's me, Kyle.

2353
01:33:50,339 --> 01:33:51,738
Why did you run?

2354
01:33:51,740 --> 01:33:53,341
You see how it feels?
It doesn't feel good.

2355
01:33:53,343 --> 01:33:54,609
Hey, come on.

2356
01:33:54,611 --> 01:33:56,476
What the fuck
did you do to Walter?

2357
01:33:56,478 --> 01:33:57,677
Mom, what are you doing here?

2358
01:33:57,679 --> 01:33:59,581
Yeah, what are you doing here?

2359
01:33:59,583 --> 01:34:01,280
You just called me!
Are you kidding?

2360
01:34:01,282 --> 01:34:02,916
I'm sorry. I got shot

2361
01:34:02,918 --> 01:34:06,354
by a tranquilizer dart
and I'm a little woozy.

2362
01:34:06,356 --> 01:34:08,021
(STAMMERING) It was a whole...

2363
01:34:08,023 --> 01:34:10,257
We shot him because
he was trying to escape.

2364
01:34:10,259 --> 01:34:11,626
PETER: What the hell, Mom?

2365
01:34:11,628 --> 01:34:13,627
I mean, our Dad was here
the whole time,

2366
01:34:13,629 --> 01:34:15,429
you sent us on
this wild-goose chase.

2367
01:34:15,431 --> 01:34:16,896
Okay. This family has issues.

2368
01:34:16,898 --> 01:34:18,733
I didn't think you'd go, okay?

2369
01:34:18,735 --> 01:34:20,868
Although, I thought
it might be a nice idea

2370
01:34:20,870 --> 01:34:22,769
for you guys to go on
a road trip together

2371
01:34:22,771 --> 01:34:24,537
since you can't stay
in the same room

2372
01:34:24,539 --> 01:34:26,174
together for two minutes.

2373
01:34:26,176 --> 01:34:27,875
We can and we did.

2374
01:34:27,877 --> 01:34:29,777
Yeah, we drove halfway
around the country

2375
01:34:29,779 --> 01:34:32,613
looking for a guy
who lives next door to us.

2376
01:34:32,615 --> 01:34:34,381
By the way,
kind of a bumpy ride.

2377
01:34:34,383 --> 01:34:35,783
He didn't live next door.

2378
01:34:35,785 --> 01:34:37,018
He actually lived
three or four houses down.

2379
01:34:37,020 --> 01:34:38,286
No, it's definitely
our street.

2380
01:34:38,288 --> 01:34:39,586
Over. But I know
what you mean.

2381
01:34:39,588 --> 01:34:40,421
No, it wasn't.
It was the next street.

2382
01:34:40,423 --> 01:34:41,488
It was.

2383
01:34:41,490 --> 01:34:42,622
Stop it!

2384
01:34:42,624 --> 01:34:43,991
Stop it!

2385
01:34:43,993 --> 01:34:46,659
Just take a big
deep breath, okay?

2386
01:34:46,661 --> 01:34:48,764
Please. Sit down.

2387
01:34:49,231 --> 01:34:50,600
Sit down.

2388
01:34:51,234 --> 01:34:52,433
(HELEN SIGHS)

2389
01:34:52,435 --> 01:34:54,771
There's something
I have to say.

2390
01:34:59,008 --> 01:35:01,077
It was, um... (CLEARS THROAT)

2391
01:35:02,378 --> 01:35:03,978
(SIGHS)

2392
01:35:03,980 --> 01:35:09,649
Okay. It was December 1975,
three days before Christmas.

2393
01:35:09,651 --> 01:35:11,952
That's... That's our birthday.

2394
01:35:11,954 --> 01:35:13,121
Yeah.

2395
01:35:13,123 --> 01:35:14,889
HELEN: I was doing
community outreach,

2396
01:35:14,891 --> 01:35:20,060
working with women who were
in pretty bad situations.

2397
01:35:20,062 --> 01:35:22,529
What kind of bad situations?

2398
01:35:22,531 --> 01:35:23,730
Really bad, Kyle.

2399
01:35:23,732 --> 01:35:25,099
ALI: Drugs,

2400
01:35:25,101 --> 01:35:26,199
abuse,

2401
01:35:26,201 --> 01:35:27,868
destructive
May-December relationships

2402
01:35:27,870 --> 01:35:29,369
they can't pry themselves
away from?

2403
01:35:29,371 --> 01:35:32,672
Ali, don't bring your
own drum to the concert.

2404
01:35:32,674 --> 01:35:34,574
Let Helen talk.

2405
01:35:34,576 --> 01:35:36,109
(SCOFFS)

2406
01:35:36,111 --> 01:35:38,612
There was one
young girl in particular

2407
01:35:38,614 --> 01:35:40,514
that I got very close to.

2408
01:35:40,516 --> 01:35:45,319
There was something
incredibly special about her.

2409
01:35:45,321 --> 01:35:47,921
She was six months pregnant.

2410
01:35:47,923 --> 01:35:50,724
She went into labor early.

2411
01:35:50,726 --> 01:35:53,027
It was dangerously early.

2412
01:35:53,029 --> 01:35:59,399
And she had a very, very long
and hard delivery.

2413
01:35:59,401 --> 01:36:01,970
But, at the end,

2414
01:36:01,972 --> 01:36:08,044
she produced two
beautiful baby boys.

2415
01:36:13,917 --> 01:36:15,819
Your birth mother.

2416
01:36:22,758 --> 01:36:24,360
Your mother

2417
01:36:26,594 --> 01:36:28,263
didn't survive.

2418
01:36:35,004 --> 01:36:37,637
Oh, my God.
This just got really sad.

2419
01:36:37,639 --> 01:36:39,306
So, with no family on record,

2420
01:36:39,308 --> 01:36:42,042
the hospital was required
to call social services.

2421
01:36:42,044 --> 01:36:45,011
But Helen didn't want to
put you into that system

2422
01:36:45,013 --> 01:36:46,380
and maybe get split up.

2423
01:36:46,382 --> 01:36:50,253
She loved you from
the moment she saw you.

2424
01:36:51,587 --> 01:36:54,720
So, I started
the process of adoption.

2425
01:36:54,722 --> 01:36:56,756
WALTER: Despite my objections.

2426
01:36:56,758 --> 01:36:58,626
See, as much as I loved Helen,

2427
01:36:58,628 --> 01:37:00,260
I couldn't imagine sacrificing

2428
01:37:00,262 --> 01:37:03,163
my future for two tiny
strangers. You know?

2429
01:37:03,165 --> 01:37:07,167
Kids were
never part of my plan.

2430
01:37:07,169 --> 01:37:09,503
I'm better with animals,
I guess.

2431
01:37:09,505 --> 01:37:14,241
Helen, on the other hand,
could imagine nothing else.

2432
01:37:14,243 --> 01:37:19,682
And I brought you here
to Westerville to raise you.

2433
01:37:35,831 --> 01:37:38,232
What was her name?

2434
01:37:38,234 --> 01:37:40,003
Our birth mother.

2435
01:37:41,637 --> 01:37:43,238
Jenny.

2436
01:37:46,875 --> 01:37:48,277
Jenny who?

2437
01:37:48,910 --> 01:37:51,311
I don't know.

2438
01:37:51,313 --> 01:37:53,747
The reason why young girls
came to us

2439
01:37:53,749 --> 01:37:57,417
was because
we didn't ask questions.

2440
01:37:57,419 --> 01:38:01,387
We weren't certain
that that was her real name.

2441
01:38:01,389 --> 01:38:03,258
What about our dad?

2442
01:38:04,927 --> 01:38:06,860
We never knew.

2443
01:38:06,862 --> 01:38:09,595
She wouldn't talk about it.

2444
01:38:09,597 --> 01:38:14,837
She just wanted to start a
new life for the three of you.

2445
01:38:27,616 --> 01:38:28,817
(SIGHS)

2446
01:38:37,093 --> 01:38:39,395
I need to get some air.

2447
01:38:45,167 --> 01:38:47,236
- I'll talk to him.
- Yeah.

2448
01:38:54,776 --> 01:38:56,011
Hey.

2449
01:38:56,846 --> 01:38:58,147
Talk to me.

2450
01:38:59,847 --> 01:39:02,582
What's going through
your head?

2451
01:39:02,584 --> 01:39:05,551
Biological mother
dies at childbirth?

2452
01:39:05,553 --> 01:39:07,854
Which I guess is another way
of saying we killed her.

2453
01:39:07,856 --> 01:39:09,355
No.

2454
01:39:09,357 --> 01:39:10,824
At a certain point, I just
gotta say, you're right.

2455
01:39:10,826 --> 01:39:12,560
The universe is an asshole.

2456
01:39:12,562 --> 01:39:14,894
I think we're
a couple of born losers

2457
01:39:14,896 --> 01:39:18,131
fulfilling our
born loser identity.

2458
01:39:18,133 --> 01:39:21,201
I mean, you don't think
that's an asshole move?

2459
01:39:21,203 --> 01:39:23,540
- Fuck the universe!
- (SIGHS)

2460
01:39:24,472 --> 01:39:25,706
What do you call that?

2461
01:39:25,708 --> 01:39:28,775
I'll grant you,
the universe is a little wily,

2462
01:39:28,777 --> 01:39:31,311
a little unpredictable.

2463
01:39:31,313 --> 01:39:33,413
But it's pretty
fucking amazing

2464
01:39:33,415 --> 01:39:37,020
when you consider
it also gave us Mom.

2465
01:39:38,454 --> 01:39:43,192
And Mom gave up
everything for us.

2466
01:39:44,360 --> 01:39:47,394
Where would we be
right now without Mom?

2467
01:39:47,396 --> 01:39:50,997
And I hate to even
contemplate this.

2468
01:39:50,999 --> 01:39:54,304
We might be
running around out there,

2469
01:39:55,871 --> 01:40:00,576
not even aware
that each other exists.

2470
01:40:04,946 --> 01:40:06,512
We're not losers.

2471
01:40:06,514 --> 01:40:09,716
We're survivors. Okay?

2472
01:40:09,718 --> 01:40:12,388
And that's because of Mom.

2473
01:40:14,022 --> 01:40:15,521
And because of Mom,

2474
01:40:15,523 --> 01:40:18,628
we can survive anything
the universe throws at us.

2475
01:40:20,797 --> 01:40:22,264
I like that.

2476
01:40:23,031 --> 01:40:25,299
All right. Good.

2477
01:40:25,301 --> 01:40:26,936
Survivors.

2478
01:40:28,004 --> 01:40:29,369
That's good.

2479
01:40:29,371 --> 01:40:33,541
But the universe is on
probation with me, Pete.

2480
01:40:33,543 --> 01:40:35,245
Fair enough.

2481
01:40:43,018 --> 01:40:44,551
(SIGHS)

2482
01:40:44,553 --> 01:40:48,555
I should've told you as soon
as you could understand,

2483
01:40:48,557 --> 01:40:51,524
but I didn't,

2484
01:40:51,526 --> 01:40:55,695
and it just got
harder and harder.

2485
01:40:55,697 --> 01:40:57,467
I was so afraid.

2486
01:40:57,932 --> 01:40:59,201
Of what?

2487
01:41:00,002 --> 01:41:02,237
Of hurting you.

2488
01:41:04,440 --> 01:41:05,942
Losing you.

2489
01:41:09,645 --> 01:41:12,511
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

2490
01:41:12,513 --> 01:41:13,583
No.

2491
01:41:23,424 --> 01:41:25,594
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT
OVER PA)

2492
01:41:28,062 --> 01:41:29,331
So... (SIGHS)

2493
01:41:31,333 --> 01:41:33,033
I got hit by a train.

2494
01:41:33,035 --> 01:41:35,705
- You got hit by a train.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

2495
01:41:38,807 --> 01:41:40,239
I'm gonna miss you.

2496
01:41:40,241 --> 01:41:42,244
I'm gonna miss you.

2497
01:41:43,478 --> 01:41:48,215
Well, you get after that
fantastic girl of yours

2498
01:41:48,217 --> 01:41:49,984
and give her Honi for me.

2499
01:41:49,986 --> 01:41:51,786
Fuck that!
I'm gonna give you a Honi.

2500
01:41:51,788 --> 01:41:53,153
I don't need a Honi. I'm good.

2501
01:41:53,155 --> 01:41:54,087
You do need a Honi.
We all need Honis.

2502
01:41:54,089 --> 01:41:55,723
- Hey...
- Peter.

2503
01:41:55,725 --> 01:41:57,992
- I'm giving you a Honi.
- All right.

2504
01:41:57,994 --> 01:41:59,696
You know what they say,

2505
01:42:00,629 --> 01:42:01,994
a Honi a day...

2506
01:42:01,996 --> 01:42:03,398
(PETER CHUCKLING)

2507
01:42:29,557 --> 01:42:30,824
PETER: Blue, 32!

2508
01:42:30,826 --> 01:42:32,395
Hut! Hut!

2509
01:42:33,663 --> 01:42:34,763
In the end zone.

2510
01:42:36,197 --> 01:42:38,698
- (ETHAN WHOOPING)
- Yeah! It's a catch!

2511
01:42:38,700 --> 01:42:39,733
ETHAN: Great throw, Dad.

2512
01:42:39,735 --> 01:42:41,702
Damn, you could've
been in the NFL.

2513
01:42:41,704 --> 01:42:43,636
- Eh. Probably.
- Hey, you ready for this?

2514
01:42:43,638 --> 01:42:46,008
Probably could've been.
Yeah. Hit me. Hit me.

2515
01:42:49,544 --> 01:42:51,211
Oh, shit!

2516
01:42:51,213 --> 01:42:53,113
Boom! You like that?

2517
01:42:53,115 --> 01:42:55,218
Oh, my God. Nice hit.

2518
01:42:56,384 --> 01:42:57,753
- Come here, you.
- (SQUEALS)

2519
01:42:59,254 --> 01:43:00,854
ETHAN: Oh, gross, guys.

2520
01:43:00,856 --> 01:43:02,357
Come on. Really?

2521
01:43:05,960 --> 01:43:08,061
Life is such a crazy ride.

2522
01:43:08,063 --> 01:43:11,864
One minute you're on this epic
quest with your brother.

2523
01:43:11,866 --> 01:43:15,335
The next minute you're getting
replaced by a monkey,

2524
01:43:15,337 --> 01:43:16,503
about to lose it all.

2525
01:43:16,505 --> 01:43:17,771
PETER: And the next minute,

2526
01:43:17,773 --> 01:43:19,805
you think
your brother's been killed

2527
01:43:19,807 --> 01:43:21,375
by a speeding locomotive.

2528
01:43:21,377 --> 01:43:23,176
And the next minute you think

2529
01:43:23,178 --> 01:43:25,746
your brother's having sex
with his sister.

2530
01:43:25,748 --> 01:43:27,982
But the next minute
you're very happy

2531
01:43:27,984 --> 01:43:29,882
to find out that
she can't be your sister

2532
01:43:29,884 --> 01:43:33,220
because her father didn't
believe in premarital sex.

2533
01:43:33,222 --> 01:43:34,520
I'm not sure
they're quite ready

2534
01:43:34,522 --> 01:43:36,422
to hear about
all your adventures.

2535
01:43:36,424 --> 01:43:37,924
You're gonna have to
educate those girls

2536
01:43:37,926 --> 01:43:39,292
about premarital sex

2537
01:43:39,294 --> 01:43:41,561
because we come from
a long line of people

2538
01:43:41,563 --> 01:43:43,796
with a zest for love making.

2539
01:43:43,798 --> 01:43:45,966
Never hold back on love.

2540
01:43:45,968 --> 01:43:47,768
You hear that? Never.

2541
01:43:47,770 --> 01:43:49,936
But let's not get distracted.
Now, where were we?

2542
01:43:49,938 --> 01:43:53,506
Yes, one minute, Dad's getting
replaced by a monkey...

2543
01:43:53,508 --> 01:43:55,408
PETER: Yeah,
but the next minute,

2544
01:43:55,410 --> 01:43:57,510
you're inventing an app
with your brother

2545
01:43:57,512 --> 01:44:01,314
that sends people optimistic
messages from the universe.

2546
01:44:01,316 --> 01:44:03,884
And then the next minute,
you're making $3.99

2547
01:44:03,886 --> 01:44:06,787
- every time it's downloaded.
- Every single time.

2548
01:44:06,789 --> 01:44:07,854
And the next minute,

2549
01:44:07,856 --> 01:44:09,389
it's been downloaded
a million times.

2550
01:44:09,391 --> 01:44:11,160
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- A million times.

2551
01:44:13,161 --> 01:44:15,996
Hi, it's me. The Universe.

2552
01:44:15,998 --> 01:44:19,198
Remember, life is not a race.

2553
01:44:19,200 --> 01:44:21,635
It's the journey that counts.

2554
01:44:21,637 --> 01:44:22,737
Okay?

2555
01:44:23,338 --> 01:44:24,673
I love you.

2556
01:44:26,542 --> 01:44:29,245
By the way,
the Illuminati is real.

2557
01:44:30,845 --> 01:44:35,845
Subtitles by explosiveskull