Jump 401: Austin Powers

Jump #401: Austin Powers
>Two of Pentacles (Change): Shifting the importance of projects and priorities to keep everything on track.
>Age: 16
>Identity: Evil Son
Please for the love of God don't call me Scotty Evil.
>Hello Agent! (900)
Well, if the son of an evil genius is good for anything, it should be exposition.
>Mojo (800)
It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.
>Modern Standards (700)
Ah, and the golden rule enforced. Treat people as you wish to be treated, and they'll treat you decently too. Maybe this was Scott's problem, what with being an ass to everyone. Also he was in his mid-twenties and hanging out in arcades. The hell, man.
>One MILLION Dollars! (600)
Huh, actually, this should make certain negotiations a lot easier.
>Genre Savvy (Free, Evil Son)
Maybe this will help avoid any further misunderstandings, like the one Valentine had with me last jump.
>Why Don't You Just Shoot Him? (450, Evil Son)
"It's no hassle!" "Crux, you just don't get it." "It's a legitimate question! I don't know these things, that's why I asked."
>The Only Competent One (150, Evil Son)
I can only wonder how a perk that makes me more gritty and likely to succeed would have worked in the DC/Marvel comic jumps...
>Film Library (Free, Evil Son)
"What are your plans tonight?" "Oh, figured I'd stay in- hey, you've been on ice. You ever hear of the Terminator?" "Termiwhat now?" "Please tell me you aren't busy tonight, we'll watch them both back to back. You're gonna LOVE this."
>Problem Solver (100, Evil Son)
I happen to have a hand cannon that I would happily have fit this role. Fortunately I can also rig it with blanks. Each of which spits out a little "bang!" flag. And the last of which spits out a little "click!" flag. You better believe I'm going to find a chance to use it.
>Prophet's Profits (0, Evil Son)
A notebook that will ensure I can build up from scratch if needed, for every jump? This is actually pretty handy.

Ah, the Path of Heaven... ofttimes, if you choose to walk it, you find the ideal path to follow. Because, you see, sometimes it is necessary to replace a main character and take their role for yourself. Though as an Evil Son replacing the one that should be in that place... well, I'm not heartless. Scott Evil becomes Scott Powers, who just got a full-ride scholarship to Berkeley for veterinary medicine, and woke up with a winning lottery ticket after his celebratory hangover. And a couple of memory charms seal the deal properly.

Because, c'mon, this movie deserves a better class of evil, and I'm gonna give-

>"CRUX!"

-right. If you'll excuse me, a woman who is not my mother but thinks she is wants to show me off to my allegedly evil, allegedly genius... alleged father.

>"Hello, Crux."
"...Hi."
>"I'm your father. Doctor Evil."
"Do... what... daddy-o?"
>"Aw, did you hear that? He called me daddy!"
"...What?"
>"Can I have a hug?"
"A hug?"
>"Hug. Come on."
"What."
>"Let's go. Pronto."
"What are you doing."
>"I'm with it. I'm hip."
"Please stop dancing."
>"Look."
"I swear I'll hug you if you stop dancing."
>"Promise?"
"...I won't call it a grave, it's the future I chose."

I mean, I'm pretty much not going to derail the events that would otherwise unwind, since a series of hilarious misunderstandings still causes Mini-Me to come into existence. He and I had a level of quiet animosity going, since I kept trying to bribe him with chocolate. Drugged chocolate. The effects of this varied wildly, especially considering at one point he went missing for a week and was found in the presidential suite of the Bellagio surrounded by women. (His assassination attempts on me were reduced in frequency from a few times a week to just a couple times a month.)

Can't say as I was a fan of the musical interludes though.

Mini-Me still defected later, though. Doctor Evil broke out of jail, and found that I'd taken to shaving my head. The "whoa!" that he kept exclaiming every time I walked into the room was rather amusing, I have to admit, but at least I know how to give an evil laugh. I'm a natural, apparently.

And of course, in the end, the whole showdown happened between Austin Powers and Doctor Evil for the last time. I decided to go full ham after the reconcilation happened, because... you know what, it's just the thing to do. It probably didn't hurt that by that point I'd started growing out a goatee, for maximum potential evilness (any possible resemblance to Kane is purely coincidental).

"So... he's my granddad. And... Austin Powers... is my uncle."
>"That's right."
"Seriously? First I'm not evil enough, and now he's gone good."
>"Listen, Crux, you can spend your whole life trying to win your parent's acceptance-"
"No, no, this is good actually."
>"It is?"
"Well, yeah! Because you've got tons of birthdays to make up for."
>"I do?"
"I mean, I just started on this whole evil thing, but it seems... tacky, you know?"
>"Tacky?!"
"And expensive."
>"True."
"Going to stick with the evil thing, though. I'm going to Hollywood so I can become a producer- nah, that's too evil. Maybe get into politics?"

Aaand exit stage left, leaving the stage on a high note.

On a related note, I did in fact get into politics, and was elected California's youngest governor. Doctor Evil was not quite certain how to feel about that.

>>since a series of hilarious misunderstandings still causes Mini-Me to come into existence
>I'm choosing to believe he traveled back in time from the future, to grab a petri dish and clone himself in the past so he won't disappear in the present.
>Which would also explain why he hates you right off the bat.

Being the most hilarious solution, this is probably the right one. Especially since I sat down and watched the Terminator movies with Doctor Evil and we laughed about how improbable it was that Skynet could use time travel to make sure it gets created.

Yeah. Yeah, that's karma, with its fangs firmly latched upon my buttock.