strawberry1

>name(s): strawberry / lex / voided
>age: 21
>status: uni student
>myers-brigg: INFP
>enneagram type: 4 www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-4  (this is most accurate personality indicator that i am aware of currently)

i had a lot more written here, but honestly i am trying to think about the best way to write this stuff.. truth be told a lot of my childhood memory has faded or is extremely blurry, but there are some things that are extremely clear in my memory. i want to write about these things, so this is where I am going to be doing that..
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>beginning
i am not really sure what i am doing with this but i figured i should just go full in, stream of consciousness has always been what i am best at... and for anyone who bothered reading this on my old pastebin, this one is a more updated version... that is all...

i guess i will start in the beginning. i was born to two parents, they married pretty young (my mom was 16 and dad was 17) and loved each other a lot (from what i have heard, at least..), but then my dad ended up passing away... i was only four months old, so i guess i really never knew him.. i do know that he loved me, but i guess it has always been weird for me since i never really knew him. sometimes, shamefully, i am thankful that he died when i was a baby, and not when i was older, because i know that the pain would be a very different pain.. i think that this pain is more like a hole in your heart that, no matter what you try to do, you can never fill, you always feel like something is missing.. and while sometimes there are things that make it feel full, eventually it fades and i am back to feeling empty. but it is okay because i am used to these feelings, and i am continuously trying to accept the fact that i did not grow up with a father and that i will never have a father. i think one of the things that hurts the most is seeing other happy families, which also makes me mad at myself because i should not be upset that other people are living a good life (especially younger people).

i guess what hurts the most is knowing that you will never be able to reverse time and re-live your childhood in a better way.. i can see all these young people seemingly enjoying their youth with their families and i know i will never get that. i guess this is also why i want to be a teacher and also a mom. although those are scary things themselves, such big responsibilities and i don't want to mess up my children.. but as much as it does scare me to take on these responsibilities, i feel like it is something that i want more than anything.
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>mom
honestly, my relationship with my mom was never great.. (although i will be the first one to admit that it has benefited greatly since i was able to move out when i turned 18). my mom and i simply are fundamentally different people. she is one of the most selfish, narcissistic people i believe i may have ever met. now, this isn't to say that i don't love her, because honestly i do... but i think that this is what people talk about when they say "unconditional love". it doesn't seem to matter what happens between me and my mom, or what she does in general, i will always love her. she is my mom. but also this is not always a positive thing, because i can never seem to actually cut her off.. and she can be an extremely toxic person. when i was younger, she would always put me on diets (like in elementary/middle school) when i was honestly fine.. the thing was, she had an eating disorder (she, many years later, did admit to this) and so many of her feelings she would project onto me. she would lock cabinets, accuse me of eating multiple lunches (even called the school to make sure i didn't eat a school lunch and my packed lunch). she would make me count my calories on an app and keep a notebook with all the food i ate.. but she also didn't buy healthy foods. my breakfast would be one strawberry pop-tart, and my dinner might consist of half a can of spaghetti-os and one piece of toast. she always told me i could eat most whatever i wanted, but just in small portions. and we didn't have a lot of money, so there was a lot of canned foods.. which is fine, i am not rich now either.. but she made it seem like we could never afford fresh foods or veggies when i know she got food stamps.. yet, she was also able to afford getting her nails, hair, and tan done.. she would tell me that, even though i could excel in school (i always did well there.. i compensated not feeling smart at home for feeling smart in the classroom, and i let my school-work distract me from everything at home.), i would never make it in the "real world" (whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean). she would tell me how she knew i had no friends, or how the friends i had must not like being around me because i was the way i was.

i also remember, in 7th grade, she caught me cutting my legs with razor blades.. instead of doing what any sane parent would do and try to help me, she used this as a way to threaten me to "behave better". she would threaten to send me away, would tell me that the place she sent me off to wouldn't allow me to come back until i was "fixed". she would also threaten to tell my nana (which is one of the only people in my family that i am very close to) that i cut myself, if i didn't behave and listen to whatever she said. she basically made me feel like i was nothing. and, of course, we have had many conversations about all of this (mainly since i have been older), and she has apologized time and time again, crying hysterically to me about how much she regrets everything she put me and my younger brothers through.. (because now i think she really does realize how fucked up so much of this was). but, at the same time, she still has a lot of toxic behaviors and honestly i try to just talk to her as little as possible.. okay i think i have talked about this enough so i won't go any further here.
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>my brothers
i have 2, they are both younger than me (one is 17, the other is 11). we all have different dads and we did grow up together (somewhat- mostly during childhood). when my mom and her 3rd ex-husband got their divorce, she lost custody of both of my brothers (this was around the time i was 14). and of course, i was stuck with her since my dad had passed away. this was unfortunate because my brothers were some of the only ones who were able to keep me sane in this hellscape we were all living in, but at the same time i was glad that they were able to get out. after this, we all kind of grew up and grew apart.. i mean we still talk to each other today (although i rarely get to talk to my 11 year old brother), but we lost so many valuable years while i was stuck, alone with my mother in our apartment (amongst the other places we moved).. i just really miss them both a lot and all the years we lost.
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>mental health.
i think that my childhood (and life in general) has shaped me. i know these these things have affected me, as much as id like to pretend they don't... and i don't self diagnose + i've also never been to a therapist or anything so im honestly not sure exactly what is wrong, but i know that something is..

i have had one newer friend suggest that i might want to look into "cyclothymia". honestly, everything i have read and watched on it sounds exactly like me. it is kind of frightening. at the same time, it sounds much better than other things i have read about online... i think one of the biggest things keeping me from going to seek treatment is my denial of having anything wrong. obviously im not sure if i have cyclothymia but it said that a big reason a lot of people go undiagnosed is because people are usually able to cope in some way and therefore manage it, even if it is painful.. it also mentioned alcohol and drug problems, which is a whole separate topic in themselves but i am really craving alcohol right now typing this.. i dont believe im an alcoholic or anything but i think that i definitely use it as a cope, which i know isn't smart or really good for me but when i have the access and i am able to get it... its so good. i just want to drink enough to be able to lay down and relax and have everything blur away into darkness... is that too much to ask?

i also want to mention, while im on the topic of mental health, HSP (highly sensitive person). i dont know a ton about it honestly, but i have looked into it a few times now and i feel like i might be one.. i don't know if its a disorder moreso than it is just who you are as a person. i think that childhood trauma can play a role in being a HSP and if thats the case then maybe it isn't all my fault... i cry so easily and get so upset and even angry... i feel so out of control sometimes and like an overgrown child.. usually i am pretty okay at not letting it impact others as i just self-isolate (but there are many times where unfortunately i did't do that and i let my feelings bring down others around me.. which makes me so sad because they certainly don't deserve that).

overall, writing things like this i believe helps me to get my thoughts out of my head and to be able to untangle them. these last few days ive been really low and so i am trying to do anything i can to help, which has mostly consisted of listening to music, writing, and drawing (really badly). i really want to actively "do" things, which is why watching tv or anime has not really been something i feel like i can do right now... it just requires too much concentration.. i dont know if that makes sense... but just being able to create things and write things down is helping keep me more calm and poised..
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+ i also still don't know if i want to put this pastebin back on public.. i want to share my life and stories with others and talk about life with anons but at the same time i don't want people to use this as a way to belittle who i am or make me feel even worse about how pathetic i feel... but honestly deep down i have to believe that people are more good than bad. i hope that, if you have taken the time out of your life to read these weird thoughts i have posted here, that you are a good person. and i would like to talk to you more about stuff, it doesn't just need to be all about me or my life. i would like to hear about who you are and your life, what you have went through and how it has shaped you to be the person you are today. if you would like to chat more, feel free to add my discord @ strawberry#0001



running life topics...
>birth (1999)
>death of father (1999)
>separation from step dad #1 + family (2008?)
>seizures (late 2000's)
>separation from both brothers + step dad #2 + family (2013-2014?)
>move in with nana at 16 (6 months) (2015)
>move in with nana at 18 (2017)
>go to uni (2017)
>coronachan + being stuck at nanas (march-may 2020)
>going back to uni (summer 2020)
...