Meh...

I hate talking about stuff like this, but I figured people should know just in case my behaviour lately has been... off.  I hate talking about shit like this because I don't want to come across as a woe-is-me pity party, but... here goes nothing.

First and foremost, I've been sick for a few days.  Nothing major, but enough to mentally and physically exhaust me.  I'm getting better, but I still need to make sure I'm prioritizing my health over streaming so I can deliver the best product to you guys that I can.

With that out of the way... I feel kind of isolated right now.  I rambled a ton during today's (October 19th) stream and a lot of it was stuff I've had on my mind for quite a while.  I guess writing it down helps me cope a little, and helps me form my thoughts.  A lot of people I consider close to me within the Twitch and PSR communities don't feel as close as they used to.  I feel a bit like a burden to them; most times I have to be the first to reach out to them, and it always feels like I'm just wasting their time.  I feel... alone, I guess.  Alone because of communication, and alone because of "success".

Now, I put quotations around "success" because it's not quite the word I want to use, but it's what I'm going to use anyway.  By "success", I mean lots of my friends are doing quite well in speedrunning, and I'm absolutely thrilled for them!  But somewhere along the lines, I've fallen behind.  Whether it's luck, skill, all or none, I can't seem to hit that "success" anymore.  A lot of it has to do with my run mentality, which I NEED to absolutely change if I want to survive doing this.  But I think some of it too has to do with the camaraderie between my friends.  I don't feel like I'm a part of that anymore.  And because of my personality, if I don't have that camaraderie, I struggle.  I'm typically very outgoing, but man, do I rely on others to feel that way.  I never realized just how much I needed other people to feel good about myself, and not in a "Oh, you're so amazing senpai" way, just a "Hey, how's it going?" way.

Honestly, I feel like shit.  And I'm truly sorry if I've done something wrong to any of you lately.